The Journal

[Shell]

Wow, it has been just over 24 hours and I am freaking out already.  The thought of actually deleting my account is unthinkable at this moment.  Yes, I have removed the app and my you tube gaming streams and anything else that might remind me but it is like Cam said happens, I can’t stop thinking of how much energy and effort I have put into building my character and city… that is a shit load of emotional attachment to delete in one hit… it is a whole year of my life that I will be deleting.. it is pretty much all I “accomplished” for the year.  I was well respected in my guild (maybe that’s why my character is so hard to let go of).  I did the hard yards to build that.  How the heck am I going to do this?  I am solidly stuck on step one on my first day.. at least I didn’t log on at all today.

[Shell]

Day 2

Argh, I'm stuck.  I didn't log onto the game again today, which is a positive but still haven't deleted it either.  The thought of doing it makes me feel sick.  

The excitement and motivation that I felt for doing things to improve my life have just disappeared today and I am instead feeling unfocussed, irritated, sad and self absorbed.  I think I may be beating myself up for not being able to delete my game account yet and knowing that I am not fully committed to letting it go if I can't delete that account.. It feels like cutting my safety net.  It has been my safety net to escape my own negative thoughts and in a lot of ways, I think I have been happier during the time I have been heavily playing.  It was such an effective escape for me from negative thoughts and situations.  Last time I gave up the game and expressed a similar thing to someone (the one person I confided in), they said well just go back to doing that if you are happier and that is exactly what I did.  

Then you have the moments of surfacing from the game and seeing yourself in exactly the same spot that you were one, two years ago and know that nothing will change while your mind is buried firmly in the game.  I have always been pretty slow to process my feelings and think I need to give myself time to get my head around this change.  I just worry about the account being there, that it will get too tempting at some stage...

[Amphibian220]

Okay I'm feeling you there, Cameron has a very good video on this called “What to do with gaming nostalgia” see it nontheless.

You shouldn’t look at that stage of your life with shame and regret. That’s not right, because that stage gave you something for lack of a better option, but you have come here with a purpose. If you wouldn’t come on here, you would’ve just continued, but you want a new stage in your life.

Equally, you should not cling to a worn out option. Escaping into games doesn’t work. Its not really like you.

I suggest you work on Cam’s respawn workbook and take notes of his videos. Watch one 10 minute video and take notes of it.

Hopefully you will make a responsible decision in due time.

[Shell]

Day 5

Thanks for your advise Amphibian.  I did have a look at that video that you mentioned and found some helpful thoughts in there.   What you said is very true.. I do want a new stage in my life and playing that game is not going to allow myself the time and space to fully embrace that!

I have had a break for a few days from worrying and thinking about the game and it has been really good actually.  I felt like a needed a break so I could come back with fresh eyes.  I have not logged onto the game but I do still need to delete it.  I do feel like I am getting closer to doing that.  I just felt like I need to look ahead for a bit at what I will be replacing the game with.  Will keep working on this and am sure I will soon feel ready to delete my account entirely!

Feeling positive and hopeful 🙂