kortheo

Do you want to be a sysadmin? It's a very cool job indeed. Consider that you might have to work shifts and be available for emergencies. I already am a sysadmin Indeed, it has its pros and cons.

Day 153 To be honest I don't feel like writing this today. But it's actually because I want to get my resume written, so I'd prefer to focus on that. Which is a good thing! I had a great day yesterday. I got started on my resume, but also took some time to appreciate the beautiful weather, and spent a decent chunk of time actually focusing on giving back to friends, which is a nice change of pace. I mailed a care package to a friend who's in a bad place right now, and sent an email to another friend with some information on an author I think she would like. I haven't been the best about sticking to all my habits lately. It's easy to feel like they aren't relevant anymore. But maybe it's because they don't challenge me enough. Maybe I need to mix them up (e.g. the same bodyweight routine I've done for months is no longer challenging or interesting). Nonetheless, I'd like to think I'm just shifting my focus to things that matter more to me right now. I found a resume guide for sysadmin resumes, so I'm going to go read that! Have a great day everyone! Don't play games! I'm watching you.

Day 152 Last night I met up with Cam for our first real session. We talked about a lot of things - career, goals, location, 'thinking bigger', mental obstacles holding me back, perspective, awareness, embodiment, peeling back layers of problems, living in line with your values, "conscious" living, productivity, and - perhaps most importantly - how to get started. i am naturally skeptical, as many gamers are. I still have certain reservations about what this path may bring - but actually, not as many as expected. I will be asking a lot of questions along the way, to be sure. But at a high level I think what I will gain from working with Cam is a shift in mindset. Ultimately if I'm not getting what I want out of life, I don't think that what's holding me back is a matter of intelligence or really even skill - it's limited beliefs about what I'm capable of and what I'm 'allowed' to do, all of which work to keep me where I am. Cam certainly seems to have a more adaptive mindset w/r/t these things, and the ability to teach them. So that's largely what I'm here for. But also guidance and accountability. Today I'm going to update my resume. I guess I should get started. Have a good day, everyone.

Day 151 @Tom This is an interesting question, and I don't know that I know the answer. I suspect on some level that it's just because working on yourself can be hard. It requires admitting to yourself that you're not all that you want to be, which for some people might feel like weakness. Or, even if you admit it to yourself, you might not feel comfortable admitting it to others, because it requires a certain amount of vulnerability. I'm going to write a short entry today. My RSI symptoms are acting up; too much computer time for me, so I'm going to be kind to myself and not overdo it today. I have my first formal session with Cam later today. Looking forward to it. This has been a crazy week and I have a lot spinning in my head. It's raining here, which is refreshing. I have some sort of mild cold virus. I kind of wish I had stayed in bed this morning and sipped tea and read a book. But this is 'Murica, where we go to work. I'm grateful for the camaraderie that I feel in my trivia group. Last night I felt like I knew the most people in the group out of anyone, and I got a lot of social interaction. That is pretty rare for me. Have a great day everyone!

Day 150 Because humans like round numbers, this day feels like a milestone. Sort of, anyway. Last night was relaxing. I spent 3 hours reading various books, made myself salad and fruit for dinner, and just generally allowed myself to relax a bit. I felt grounded. I emphasized eating fruit/vegetables last night because I realized that I haven't been getting enough of them. Now that nearly all the food I eat I prepare myself, I'm much more aware of what I'm actually eating, which is a nice change. I'm hoping that more fruit/veg will lead to better intake of micronutrients and that will lead to better cognitive performance - I've felt a little mentally foggy lately. I'm currently working through this book for anxiety, and it's helping me a lot. It breaks down the anatomy of anxiety in helpful ways. For example, anxiety is a combination of overestimating risk of something bad happening and overestimating the severity of that bad thing if it were to happen. This leads to people feeling like something bad will happen, and that they won't be able to handle the bad thing because it will be so severe - making you feel helpless. Challenging each step of this equation is helpful to dismantling anxiety. I'm grateful for this community because of all the people here committed to bettering themselves. By contrast I'm realizing I have relatively few people in my real life with that mindset. Have a great day, everyone.

Day 149 I have decided to start working with Cam on a one-on-one basis. It's convenient since he just moved to the same area. Also, the timing is just right. At first I was resistant to the idea, because it smacked of "life coaching", which Cam agreed sounds rather silly, or just has a bad reputation. But whatever it is, it became clear after a couple of conversations with him how he would be able to help me clarify my goals and work through some negative or counter-productive mindsets that I have. I know I'm on the right path and would probably get to where I need to go eventually, but I'm pretty sure this will help me get there faster. We have an arrangement to work together for the next 3 months. I'm actively working to make the best of this time to invest in myself. Cam has demonstrated that he's effective at helping me thus far quit gaming, and he's given me reason to believe he can help me with other areas of my life, too. I'm grateful for the opportunity to pick his brain and get a very different perspective than the one I currently have. I'm sure future posts will contain elements of this process as I go along and think on a lot of things that I'm currently dealing with. Have a great day everyone!

Brain dogs! I make a sufficient number of typos in my posts that I wonder if my writing skills are atrophying. Haha. I think I just used to proof-read more in the past.

I have had tinnitus for years. In fact, I think I've had it since I was a kid. I don't notice it unless I'm in a quiet room. But, my tinnitus hasn't changed following this concert. I've been to an audiologist (in the past) and mentioned it and they kind of just shrug their shoulders and say there's not much to do about it. I had my hearing tested a couple years ago and it was normal though.

Day 148 @Tom - Thanks for the post, that really resonated with me and gives me some things to think about. After a few days chock full of spending time with friends, today is my clean-the-apartment and alone time day. Well needed. My perspective is beginning to broaden with respect to where I want to go next in life and what I want to accomplish. Accordingly, I am going to try to review my goals soon. Some of the goals I set for myself - like reading 36 books this year - are fine, but they may not directly advance my goals. As an example, reading for the sake of reading probably isn't that valuable in this context; I could use that time more constructively. Days 1-90 were really about quitting games. Days 91-180 are about evaluating and improving my life, I'm finding. Have a great day everyone!

Day 147 Reflecting on my post and responses from yesterday have made me more aware of my general level of comfort and feeling of safety in various situations. I think too frequently I tolerate being in situations I'm uncomfortable with or feel somewhat unsafe / anxious in, instead of advocating for my right to feel comfortable and safe. Instead of getting in a car with someone who just smoked weed, I could have instead said "You know what, I'm not comfortable with that, I think I'll just drive myself." That requires assertiveness and the willingness to confront people. Which are things I'm working on, but definitely worth it. But this also extends to situations just with myself. I'll put off getting maintenance done on my car and then as a result feel slightly anxious driving it, worrying that something might go wrong with it. There's no reason why I have to accept feeling that way; I could just get maintenance done on the schedule needed and avoid that discomfort. Yesterday, I spent the whole day with an old friend I haven't seen for a while. I felt really calm and comfortable and relaxed in the situation with her, without any fear of judgment from her. This was such a contrast to the experiences with other friends the night before that I'm going to try to pay more attention to this in the future. I'm encountering a general theme in my life of paying attention to how I feel about people and spending my time with or without them accordingly. Or, even if I enjoy their company, I might not trust them to drive me places, haha. So I can have different limits with different people on how I choose to engage with them. It feels weird thinking about this, and part of my brain makes me feel like this is rude of me somehow? But the rational part of me thinks it's a healthy mindset shift. I've been really starting to feel like moving down to San Diego lately (I live about 1 hour north of it currently). Now that I've been social for a few months here, and exploring my current area more and what it offers, I'm starting to feel I don't have the life I want here, but that I could have that in San Diego. I would have to find a new job down there, but that would be okay with me. I have never lived in a large urban area, and I think I'm ready for that experience. More people, more opportunities more stuff to do. I want to feel connected to that experience of being in a place where stuff happens.... if that makes any sense haha. Rather than just on the edges or in the suburbs. On the plus side, I also noticed a shift in socializing lately. For a long time it took a certain amount of effort to find social things to do and go to them and interact with new people. But something flipped where now I crave social interaction, people reach out to me to do things, and it just seems a whole lot easier to do social things on a regular basis. It's great.

Yeah. Thanks for the responses guys. I guess, not having used drugs very much, it's hard for me to gauge how much his smoking actually affected his driving. For the most part he seemed to be driving normally - the bigger issue was him looking at his phone, actually - so without that perspective it was hard for me to say how much of a risk it actually was? Maybe next time I'll drive myself. I guess, in situations like these, when I'm the only person who seems to have a problem with it, I can't tell if I'm crazy or it's just so normalized for the other person. But it's good to have someone to ground me and reflect back to me which of my anxieties are excessive and which are rational. Thanks. Yeah. Next time I'll just wear the damn earplugs. That was just silliness on my part. Even if people were to judge or think me weird, which is pretty unlikely, I think it would probably be better to just own my feelings and perspectives about taking precautions rather than allow myself to be swayed by worrying about their opinions of me, which hardly matter anyway. Plus, why am I spending time with people who would actually judge me for that? I don't think they actually would, it's just anxiety talking, but yeah. Yeah, I wondered about that myself. It might have just put me on edge all night. :\

Day 146 I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I used to understand this as simply having anxiety; I didn't really get how life could be any different - it felt like a generic disorder to me, since everyone has anxiety sometimes. But what makes it a disorder is having anxiety in situations when most people wouldn't, and for longer periods of time than most people would. Anxiety is paralyzing, especially when it fills areas of your life where most people don't expect you to be anxious. I mean I basically have anxiety in some form virtually everyday. I'm starting to realize certain things about my anxiety. I'm getting better at noticing it when it's happening... it's hard, because it sometimes feels like being a fish and not being aware of water. Sometimes I'm more anxious overall, sometimes less. When I'm more anxious in general I perceive threat and danger more readily in all areas of life and this makes me more risk averse. I'm realizing I probably structure my life to minimize risk because that's the easiest way to live without anxiety for me. Certain environmental factors seem to increase anxiety for me - I notice a correlation at least with eating crap food, sugar, caffeine, lack of exercise, and porn use. Anyway, lately I've been more on the anxious side, and last night I went to a concert with friends. It was a great concert. But the whole night triggered my anxiety in a number of ways. Here is a preview of my head from last night: The person I carpooled with smokes weed a lot, and he smoked before driving us down there, which made me uncomfortable because I don't like it when drivers have consumed any psychoactive substances (other than caffeine, I suppose).Said carpool driver was also looking at his phone while driving more than I was comfortable with and I the whole trip I had a constant low level anxiety that we were going to crash and die.Before getting to the venue, we drove to pick my friend up at his work. He invited us into his office to hang out briefly while he wrapped up some stuff. We were the only people there. I felt like I was breaking a rule somehow by being there, since I don't work there, even though my friend invited us in. He also offered us soda, which I took and then felt bad about because I'm trying to stop drinking soda.I used the bathroom at the concert. I feel self-conscious admitting this, but crowded bathrooms make me really anxious and I can't use urinals without dividers because I feel so uncomfortable. Said concert was crowded, lacked dividers. I used a stall and felt like my friend would judge me for it if he saw me.My friend/driver asked me if I would mind driving the car back so he could have another beer. In general I feel uncomfortable driving other people's cars (how does the insurance work? It's an unfamiliar car, I'm in an unfamiliar place, It's dark, what if something goes wrong?), especially when I have no foreknowledge that this is expected of me and it's pushed on me all of a sudden. I'm a very strong J in MBTI; I need plans and schedules for things usually. A significant sudden change like this causes me anxiety. I at least was able to be assertive and say "No, I would prefer not to" but without being able to explain why I didn't want to I was worried that I just came off like an ungrateful dick.The opening acts were great and the volume was about the right level for me. But when the main band played and the volume was basically standard concert volume, which I almost always find overwhelmingly loud and sometimes painful to my ears. I always worry about my hearing being damaged, and couldn't stop focusing on how my ears feel and thinking about my cilia dying and things like that. I brought earplugs but I couldn't bring myself to use them because I felt so lame because no one else had earplugs and I again felt like my friends would judge me. Eventually I did put them in for a couple songs which dulled my anxiety and made me ears feel better, but eh. If there was any damage done to my ears it would have already happened. Today my ears feel mostly normal, but in the moment it always feels like I'm about to go deaf or something. Losing or dulling any senses kind of terrifies me.This is by far worse than normal anxiety I experience during an average day, but still, this is my head. The work I'm trying to do is give weight to the fact that this is my experience and that it's valid and I want to work on it. I think the fact that anxiety is being triggered means I'm going out of my comfort zone and getting a chance to work on anxiety - after all, a concert is a pretty extreme environment for me and I rarely go to them, partially because of thoughts like these I'm sure. It's also a sign that other things could be going on in my life that are making me more prone to anxiety. Thanks for reading. Have a good day everyone. Gratitude Acknowledging my emotions.Seeing a friend later today.Waking up on time.Spending time in new places.Giving gifts to friends.

Day 145 Social groups can be really hit or miss at times. Let me explain. The same meetup group can vary drastically week to week, both in people attending and in the quality of the event, or how much fun I'm having at it. I have a trivia event that, with the exception of during the holidays, I've gone to almost every week for the last 3-4 months or so. At this point I think I'm possibly the most consistent member in the group. There are a few others who are there roughly as often as I am, and then others who are there maybe half the time, and then others who show up once a month, and then some who show up once and never again. And new people show up all the time, which is great, because it's a way to constantly meet new people. But this inconsistent nature of the group means that it's not always easy to be social, at least in this context. It takes effort to persist in going to something to meet people and become a core part of the group when the group is always shifting. You always have to be ready to meet someone new. And sometimes you'll go and you won't click with anyone there that night and your team will lose and it won't be all that fun. But if you stop going at that point, you miss the chance that next time you could really click with someone cool, or have a great team and win trivia that night. Don't get me wrong - in general I usually have a good time whenever I go out, and even on the 'bad' nights I can find something to like about the experience. I mean, that's why I keep going. And even if I don't have as much fun as maybe I wanted to, there are almost always little social observations I can learn from. So in this case, the fact that it takes an investment of effort isn't a bad thing, but actually a good thing. The effort I put in is rewarded by social growth and learning. I have a monthly bookclub that I've been to three times. The first time was good, the second time was great, and last night, the third time, it was kind of meh. It was fine, but not nearly as good as the other times, and most of the people who showed up weren't as engaging to me. But, there was one person there who I really clicked with unexpectedly, and she had read one of my favorite books and happened to mention it, and we happened to have a very similar sense of humor, etc. It made the night for me. She also mistakenly recalled the genome sequencing company 23andMe as 22andYou, which is hilarious, because the 23 refers to the number of human chromosomes; 22andYou would imply mental retardation or developmental issues or something, hahah. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, other than to reflect upon my social experiences. But I continue to learn and grow from them, and to improve my social skills. Gratitude Taking things slow sometimes.Giving myself permission to do less.A quiet office.Great weather lately.Food.

Day 144 I've been reflecting a bit on my social life. I've made a lot of social progress since I started here. When I began my 90 day challenge, I was in a relationship that wasn't working for me, and outside of my girlfriend had no active social life. I started going to meetup groups - a board game group, a general social group, going to trivia. I went to a Magic: The Gathering event once. I made my way into a clique of people who were into gaming and general nerdy stuff. I've reconnected with old friends and deepened those friendships. I've seen more of my family. I started going to a fitness bootcamp that was kind of social, yoga, and most recently I had the privilege to meet some of you folks at the SD meetup. So I've had a range of experiences. The general trend that's emerging for me is that the old sorts of groups I would be a part of - gaming groups, MTG, nerdy stuff, board games - don't really work for me anymore. These are often composed of people with negative or fixed mindsets, who have unhealthy habits and aren't focused on improving themselves. These are generalizations of course, but they're my experience, and it makes it harder for me to connect with these people. By contrast, the new groups I'm exploring - groups with the primary purpose of being social and meeting people, groups based on fitness or new experiences or self-improvement - these attract people with good habits and growth mindsets where people want to improve themselves. It's easier for me to be myself in these groups. I used to see the world as limited to the groups that I was currently in - so it didn't even occur to me that I could go to other places where there were other people like me who wanted to better themselves. It didn't connect with me as real until recently. I guess the main takeaway is that it's not enough for me to merely be social - I have to be social in the right way, with the right people. Gratitude Talking with coworkers.Feeling social.Tea.Not giving up.Journaling.

Day 143 I was at a symposium for work today. The topic was security in the water industry, primarily for Southern California utilities. I work at such a utility so it was pretty interesting actually. It covered both physical and cybersecurity, both of which I have some involvement in at work, although obviously more on the cybersecurity side. It was cool to meet peers from other agencies. I was driven down by a coworker and it was good to talk with him. He's in his 50s and is a mentor of sorts for me. We have very different perspectives on life, but there's always mutual respect when we talk. I'm exhausted and I haven't had enough alone time lately to process my thoughts and experiences if I'm honest. That makes it hard to post anything here with much substance about life and happiness or what not. Haha. I strive to make my posts interesting when I can. Today may not be such a day. I'm going to relax and read and maybe head to a coffee shop. Maybe I'll sit outside and enjoy living in a beautiful place. And then I'll go to trivia later tonight. Enjoy your days everyone. Gratitude My fountain pen hobby addiction.Green tea.People giving me life advice.Free lunch.Yoga last night.

Interesting discussion! I'm pretty solidly INTJ, though all types change and develop as they age. In the past few years I've definitely developed my Fi more. I went through a phase of being all about practicality and intelligence as well, but that has shifted a bit into understanding the importance of emotions. These days I tend to find emotional intelligence perhaps more impressive or attractive or interesting than analytical intelligence. In my world, at least, emotional intelligence is harder to come by. I'm also more social than I used to be, although definitely still an introvert. I previously used my introversion as a means of justifying my social isolation to myself as valid. These days I have a better sense of when I actually want to be social vs not, and act accordingly. Most of my closest friends are N types, and many of them are not "normal" with respect to gender, sexuality, etc. The broad generalizations that you sketch are correct, Marchosias, but they are just that - generalizations. I don't know what the initial discussion was about, but I think one of the interesting parts of getting to know yourself better is understanding what parts of the generalizations apply and in what ways you deviate from them.

Day 142 Yesterday I had a very full and productive day at work. I was working with a consultant all day. We got a lot done, and I felt very good about the day. I definitely like my job more when I'm working with other people. I skyped with a friend last night and I was able to give her some helpful life advice, I think. She's in a bit of a rough patch. She's currently doing a PhD program but thinking of dropping out because she's unhappy and stressed all the time. I'm trying to get her to consider getting a normal job, because she's never really had one. I think she has mindsets that limit her - she rationalizes away attempts to even consider alternatives. I think she'll get where she needs to be eventually. I feel pretty far removed from gaming at this point. I don't think about it much anymore, and it doesn't weigh on my mind. I don't miss it. I think the social activities I have mostly replaced it with have more value to me, so I wouldn't trade them back. There are occasional times when I'm emotionally down that I may crave it briefly, but they don't ever translate into me actually thinking about gaming. Having deleted all my accounts, it feels impossible to go back. Gratitude Quiet cat outside my window this morning.Staying calm.Granny smith apples.Yoga.Giving gifts to friends.

That ocean pic is pretty sweet.

Yeah, I think the only thing making it not-keto is that the fat content is too low to meet your total caloric needs. Mostly just protein and veggies.

Hey thanks man! I'm so glad that you got value out of it. I intended the dance video to be silly and thinking back on it I'm a bit self-conscious haha, but it was totally worth it, and felt great to just not care in the moment. I look forward to reading your Challenge journal!

Lately one of my habits has been Sunday meal prep. So usually I'll do two big meals per week, either both on Sunday or one Sunday and one Wednesday. I'm not doing keto but I do try to avoid sugar or excess carbs when I can. This week I slow-cooked a chuck roast. It was stupid simple and amazingly tasty. Basically threw a roast, onions, beef broth and a can of french onion soup into a slow cooker. Came back 10 hours later to enough fork tender meat for 5 meals. Actual prep time is like 15 minutes ,max. I got this particular recipe from the book The 4 Hour Chef. Incidently most recipes in that book at low carb. To supplement the meat, I just made a simple green salad to go along with it. Anyway, slow cooking has changed my food-life. I'm also eating a lot of eggs and protein shakes right now. In the past few weeks I've made a lot of soups and stews and slow cooked meats.

Day 141 Tired this morning. I allowed myself to skip my morning routine (exercise, meditate) in order to sleep more. I don't feel guilty about it, which is great. I think it's fine to do this once in a while. I went to a Superbowl party yesterday. It was a lot of fun and I met some new people. I helped out with tech support since we had issues with the stream and projector we were using, haha. Something different. No great insights today. Gotta run. Have a great day everyone. Gratitude Pale sunlight at dawn.New friends.Dark, leafy plants.Making lunches for the week.Giving myself permission.

Day 140 Yesterday, the San Diego GameQuitter's Meetup was an amazing time! Very glad that I got to meet all of you and spend a few hours together. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful place, to boot! It was great to meet people who so closely share your own experience, and feel understood by them. I spent the morning cooking. I have a chuck roast slow cooking, and I made eggs with an interesting seasoning combination (salt, pepper, garlic powder, cumin, mint). It was excellent. I skipped my fitness bootcamp today. I think I'll replace it with yoga this week, or possibly this month. I'm beginning to notice what things I can work on that I feel proud about. I feel proud when I learn to cook new recipes and can make things that I find delicious. I also feel proud when I invest in my career by working towards IT certifications. I don't necessarily feel as proud when I read books just for the sake of reading X number of books per year. I may revise my goals so that I can allocate my time towards things that I know are fulfilling or that I feel proud about. Have a great day everyone. Gratitude @Cam Adair - I'm grateful that you arranged the meetup!@Laney - I'm grateful for your blanket so we didn't freeze to death, haha.@MmmWatermelon - I'm grateful for your harmonica, and for getting the group to share their stories.Grateful for the other 2 folks who showed up who I don't believe are on this forum The potential to continue building this community. Hope we have another meetup soon!

Had an awesome time, it was great to meet everybody!

Day 139 It's interesting how sometimes the changes that happen in life are too slow or subtle for you to notice. This is why we must always keep in mind the concept of the slight edge and commit to keep going, not getting discouraged if we happen to feel stagnant now and then. That's not my current problem though - I am actually growing and changing, or having new experiences frequently enough that I can actually see myself growing and changing. And it feels great. I have my habits in place enough that basically every day now feels like what a "perfect" day used to feel like when I was gaming and unhappy. It used to be unusual for me to exercise, meditate, journal, be productive, etc. Now I do that every day. Life is not perfect, but that's okay. But life is exciting because I know I'm moving forward into new territory, and it's territory that is totally unfamiliar to me. I don't know what it will be like. So I'm anticipating that with both nervousness and excitement. Very excited to meet some of you at the San Diego meetup today! Gratitude Conversation I had with a friend last night.Cooking an awesome meal last night.Getting my car maintenance done.SD meetup today!Continuing to grow.