Mhyrion

Day 59 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- @Cam Thanks for the support! I read your comments, I just don't always know what to react -and whether that is necessary-. I think coding can be a great added skill, but I need to make sure I am fully interested and committed before starting learning it. Else I will just give up when it gets tricky again. Money and independence can be good motivators though. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday evening I went from gleefully happy to gloomy and doomy in a matter of minutes. I do like the fact that I have superpowers, these are just not the ones I want. Anyway. I tried to calm myself down, talked to Hitaru to sort my thoughts out and breathed slowly to feel alive and in control. The latter just made me feel empty. I couldn't sleep because of it and now I am awake but very demotivated and tired. In a sense, I feel like I'm just acting out. This is the new happy and productive me. How long will the acting last? When will people notice? And I also am afraid of doing too well, because the higher and better I get, the longer and harder I can potentially fall. If I fall when doing great, wouldn't it just break me? What goes up must come down right? In my head I would go from a soft thump sound to a loud smack sound. Not appealing. In that sense I am afraid to fail but also afraid to do well. That leaves me with void. But we tried void out already, that certainly doesn't work. Not going back to void. I feel confused. I think the reason I am afraid to do well is because I don't know what's waiting for me there. I don't know what is on the higher end of the rollercoaster. It sounds strange, but down is where I am comfy, even though it is very unpleasant. I have in the past years made my comfort zone out of negativity, being happy and productive a whole week in a row is starting to get uncomfortable. Well, I was out of energy anyway. Why can't I just be happy when I am doing good? My mind is treacherous, playing tricks on me. I feel vulnerable. I am having strong cravings for everything that will help my mind escape my thoughts for a moment. Nostalgic for games, hungry for chocolate. But this is not the life I want. So I am going to pick up what I want. I am going to complete my morning routine, after that doing the dishes, because that normally gives me a sense of having achieved something, and after that I go swimming laps. I got this. I think.

Day 58 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 24 days Soda free: 25 days No junk food: 7 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday and today where really busy, and I'm pretty exhausted. Having some quality purr service lying next to me right now, recharging batteries. Yesterday started all wrong. My scheduling was shit, so I skipped through half of my morning routine to get to the academy in time and ready. And then it all was in vain because I needed to use the laser cutter, but it wasn't ready to go and the only one with knowledge how to fix it was absent for the day. That made me feel overwhelmed for a bit. I had set my mind on doing the easy task of guiding the machine and I didn't have a plan for when that failed. I recovered though, I am not entirely sure how, but I have eventually worked for 6.5 hours yesterday. That's a new record since quitting games, so I am quite proud. I didn't know I had it in me. Also I was in luck that nobody had yet made a reservation for the cutter for today, so I could still finish everything before the holiday. I got a bit stressed to complete everything in time, but it worked out fine. I also focused on learning how to be a bit more independent in the woodworking workshop. I learned how the big machine to saw wooden boards with works, so I don't have to ask the next time I need it. I still think it's a bit scary, because it's big and it makes a hellotta noise and well… it can cut your fingers of if you don't know what you are doing. But I will overcome. And I learned how poplar boards look like, so I can distinguish it from other boards. I was thinking about picking up something to challenge my mind a bit more in the evenings. I have once tried to learn how to build websites on freecodecamp. I quit when it got tricky, but I am confident I am capable of learning it. It would serve my professionalism well if I know how to make websites and -even if I don't go and make them myself- what I can ask from a web builder, or even just to be able to quickly adjust templates. Anyhow, I am still thinking on this. I don't have to spend a lot of time per day on it of course, I can do like 20 minutes a day. But I was also thinking of pickup up learning a third language. I have also once started learning Korean, and I loved it. But again, when it got tricky, I quit. But I loved the challenge it was giving me and the language itself I totally love. I think it's really pretty language. This will however, not serve me much in real life. Hubby went to N-Korea last year, but we'll need to save loads of money to go again with the two of us. And then I still don't know what knowing the language would help. I would love to go though. Perhaps I can make this into my long long term goal. I am hereby committed to staying another 7 days junk food free. I have to be honest here, I have made my rules a bit less strict. I don't want to face a dilemma every time I'm at someones home and they offer me a cookie. It just feels very unpolite to not take it. I am okay with taking one cookie at someones home, provided I don't eat more then one. The important thing is I don't buy a whole bag of something sweet and devour it like a beast. I haven't done that the past 7 days, so I count it as a win. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (22.5/24 hours) -complete morning routing, including exercise (3/7 times) -make schedule the day before (4/7) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -laser cutter -the smell of burnt wood -purring service -warmer temperatures

Great idea. Keeping yourself busy is a strong tactic to keep away from gaming and doing so while learning new skills is added bonus! It might also provide a relaxed evening activity to replace Youtube hours.

Day 56 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 22 days Soda free: 23 days No junk food: 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today time went by very quickly. I am on track for study hours, which makes me happy. I started cycling to the train station with my hubby as part of my morning routine. I have muscle pain, but it does give me a lot of energy. And I really like starting the day together in this way, even though I can't really combine cycling with talking well. Mindlessly browsing the internet seems less and less appealing to me, but maybe that's also due to having a good mood. Whatever the case, I like that change. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (10/24 hours) -complete morning routine, including exercise (2/7 times) -make schedule the day before (3/7) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -bike -laptop -Beyond group -music

Day 55 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 21 days Soda free: 22 days No junk food: 4 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday I went to church with my hubby. I have not been there in months. It was a bit of a shock, but it was really nice. The people are so warm and enthusiastic. I received many hugs, which made me feel loved. I also was totally exhausted afterwards and had a bit of a headache, so the rest of the day I didn't do much. I have also forgotten most of the Beyond call, I guess I was just too tired, so I have to listen to it again. Can't hurt. I totally owned today. I stepped out of my comfort zone big time. Twice. I'm fucking fabulous. So, what amazing thing did I do to step out of my comfort zone? For my graduation project I need insight into children from 9 to 12 yo. I don't know nothing about that, so I needed experts. So today I went to 2 different primary schools and asked random strangers who happen to be teachers for help. I don't like asking for help, I certainly don't like asking strangers for help, I don't like meeting new people and I also am normally very anxious to step into new buildings. Oh, and I don't like crowds. I have overcome all that. After I succeeded this morning, I was overjoyed. So happy. I had planned to go to another school this midday, and again, I was so happy when I succeeded. I have not been in such a good mood in… months. Also, it seems like I have estimated the intelligence level of the kids pretty well, so I don't have to make major changes in my text. I also proposed to show the animation in class whenever it's ready, to test how the kids react. The teachers seemed quite font of that idea, which surprised me but also made me even more happy. Anyway, day won. I have tracked my energy-levels for 8 days now and on a scale from 1 to 10 I average a 4.5. I want this to be higher by 2 points at the end of March. I think that is an achievable goal. I need to continuously keep track until then so I know whether I am improving or not. I have also more insight in what gives me energy, I should try and do those things more often and also when I'm low on energy. They are: -talking with hubby, friends, family and accountability partner (basically, be more social) -exercise -fresh air, going outside -music -coffee (a bit of a double edged sword because it also lowers my focus if I don't pay attention to when and how much coffee I drink) I have also avoided things that lower my energy, I want to continue doing that also. Things that lower my energy: -bad moods -junk food -soda and sugary drinks -snoozing, starting the day lazy/unmotivated An average of 6.5 for my energy-levels might however not be enough to support my plan to work up towards studying 40 hours a week. I think around 32 would be more in range if I want to go for good hours and not mediocre hours. I'll have to see how things go. An evaluation at the end of February would be in place. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (4/24 hours) -complete morning routing, including exercise (1/7 times) -make schedule the day before (1/7) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -me -hubby -friends -happiness -sun -bike -hugs

Day 53 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 19 days Soda free: 20 days No junk food: 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today was an pretty good battery recharging day. I've done the household stuff that I needed to, but also took plenty of time to relax. I had a crippling back-pain all day, so it's good I could take it easy. I had to adjust some of my plans to account for it, but whatever. There's not much I can do about it anyway. I was very emotional too, but mostly on the happier side, just very rollercoastery. I repeated my smoothie recipe of last week, tweaked it a bit. Still delicious but a bit less sweet. It's fucking delicious. Right now I'm enjoying the wonderful relaxing effects of wine. I have a lot of social events the coming two days, which is really bad planning from my part. I should not plan social events this time of month. But then again this time of month also comes with being chaotic and rollercoastery, so doing or not doing what would be best for me is more difficult then normal. Sometimes I wonder how wonderfully consistent I could make my life without this cycle thing fucking me over every time. But I also could make it my strength. Like, I should be very creative and decisive the second week, the 3th week I should be more social. Then the 4th week I just want to eat the world and the 1st week I just want to be alone on an island with painkillers and wine. Oh, and clean the fuck out of the island, but hey, can't do that because back pains. But you know, the 2d and 3th week, I should really make it a priority to abuse my superpowers in those weeks. Staying junk food free is a lot easier when it's 2 out of 7 instead of 2 out of eternity. I feel much more motivated this way. I make good decisions at times, yay for me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (19/22 hours) -swimming laps (2/2 times, 59 laps) -read Art of War and summarize (2/4 chapters) -positive affirmation (6/7 times) -work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -cherry stone pillow -wine -hubby -Hitaru -phone

Great job starting your journal!

Welcome Mark! Gratz on the 30 days already, off with a great start!

Good job on starting your journal! I can recommend to -whenever you feel ready- share your journal with your wife. My hubby reads mine and it has really helped him understand what I'm going through.

Day 52 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 18 days Soda free: 19 days Junk food free: 1 day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- @hycniejsy Ah yes, studying is going ok! It's challenging but worthwhile. @Cam Adair I am glad my misery is amusing to you. Funny certainly is not something people call me to be honest, I am rather cold person irl. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, today was interesting. It started off all wrong. I was super tired, not motivated, things I did to get momentum only made me more tired. I went back to bed to sleep for 2 more hours, I just couldn't do anything. I felt miserable and sad. After that I got apathetic. It's silly because I know what to do when I have low energy and a bad mood. I've thought all of that out. Now I have to go from knowing when to do what, to actually doing that. What use is it to know that I should do y when feeling x, when I'm just not doing it. I could have all the self-knowledge of the world, but if I don't act on it, it's pretty damn useless. I need to start acting. I succeeded to do that later that day, and that made me feel a lot better. I also felt like I could reach into my emotions and current state a lot better today then the rest of the week. Whether that is due to practice or just random luck, I prevented a headache with it by listening to my body. I didn't make my study hours, obviously, but I’m happy to still have made 4 hours today. I am still in doubt whether I want to complete the 3 hours left tomorrow, or if that just screws my energy levels up more. It will be nice to be able to say I've reached my goal, but it's only a silly goal, that's not what this is really about. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (19/22 hours) -swimming laps (2/2 times, 59 laps) -read Art of War and summarize (1/4 chapters) -positive affirmation (5/7 times) -work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -cold, fresh air -GQ community -wine

Woo, good going! I'm glad!

Day 51 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 17 days Soda free: 18 days Junk food free: 2 (I should have a triple strikethrough option) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- @fil Wow, I didn't see your amazing picture yet! Anyhow, thanks for your support. I appreciate it! I'm not sure If I understand what you mean. Studying challenge = study 3 hours a day? Or..? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The no junk food thing is starting to get on my nerves. Every time I have no more energy left I'm like Fuck it, I don't have any energy to fuck up any way, might as well buy that chocolate bar and eat it in one go. It's sickening. Literally and figuratively. Like yo, there's more days in a week. Who knows, maybe this fucks over tomorrow real good. There's some hormones at play as well right now, but they are not the boss of me. Just terribly annoying and distracting and my brain really doesn’t get the 'belly is full'-sign during these days. You've just eaten the equivalent of breakfast ánd lunch at 7 am? How about some soup as well? Carrots? Crackers? Maybe a fried egg? Anyway, junk food and overeating are unhealthy, no matter how you look at it. To make the no junk food part easier on myself I hereby commit to no junk food for only 7 days (instead of no junk food forevermore). I can do that. 7 days, no chips, no chocolate, no excessive amounts of cheese, I’m having none of that. I need this body to function well. Today I had a nice chat with Hitaru. I come to much insights talking with him, it's great. We talked about being tired and how to prevent that. Today the discussion with my hubby and the emotions that lingered thereafter where a drain on my energy. When I went home I felt like I was walking like a zombie, I closed my eyes for seconds to take micro naps, I could not do anything anymore. I procrastinated for hours when I got home. I can't even remember what I did, probably something useless like watching YT. Until the moment came I realized I wanted to be like a warrior this week. Would I warrior give up? No. Would she try to still be productive? Yes. Would she try to come up with tactics to win the next similar battle? Yes. (This sounds childish to me, but whatever works works) So, that's what I was going to do. I stopped giving up. I have been productive for another hour. And I came up with a tactic to be more successful in my next battle with tiredness, thanks to Hitaru. I already have several methods that help me give energy, like going for a walk. But I realized that there is a point of no return in my energy-levels. If I enter my lowest energy level, I am not going to be able to go for a walk anymore. It will not help anymore. So I need to make sure I go walking (or whatever) before I get to that state. I'm sure that like anything else, this will take practice. But I'm glad I know how to proceed now. I'm behind on schedule for study hours, which is a bother. I'm not magically going to be able to focus 7 hours tomorrow, so I'm contemplating whether I want to go for the 22 hours per se, or if I value recharging my batteries on Saturday more. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (15/22 hours) -swimming laps (2/2 times, 59 laps) -read Art of War and summarize (1/4 chapters) -positive affirmation (4/7 times) -work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1)

Hey Steve! Still going strong?

Day 51 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 17 days Soda free: 18 days Junk food free: 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just when I was glad I bounced back so quickly from a bad day, my hubby was there to fuck things up. If there´s one person on the whole planet I don't want to hear from he thinks I am going to fail and that the methods I use are inadequate and that I'm am progressing too slowly, it's from him. Seriously unhelpful, extremely negative and it made me quite mad. Like, I wanna punch peoples faces right now, I'm so mad. Being mad is also unhelpful though, so I hope I cool down by writing this and then proceed to be productive. I tried breathing slowly but my head was like I am not going to breathe slowly right now you motherfucker. Okay okay, I guess we're not going to breathe slowly then. So we write. Anyway, the whole point is -I think- that my hubby is disappointed that I am not doing anything with christianity anymore. And that is understandable. We married based on faith, and now I'm questioning it and not making up my mind. But there's a ton of things to take into consideration. I don't want to go back and make the same mistakes again, that's not only rather painful but that will be the end of it for me as well. And if I hear one more prophesy about me being surrounded by children / having children / teaching children, I have a hard time taking anything seriously anymore. I do not, for the life of me, want children. I can tolerate them near me, sometimes they're even cute or funny, but I don't want to be responsible for any child and I certainly don't want a whole group of children around me. Just no. If that's Gods plan for my life, I don't want it. Anyway, my hubby pressuring me and talking me down isn't going to help me to get perspective. It's certainly not going to make me progress any faster. I agreed to go to a worship evening together, not sure if I really want to go but I'll roll with it. Now off to being productive today. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (10.5/22 hours) -swimming laps (1/2 times, 30 laps) -read Art of War and summarize (1/4 chapters) -positive affirmation (3/7 times) -work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -phone -winter -water bottle

Welcome!

Day 49 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 15 days Soda free: 16 days Junk food free: 0 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday evening I tried the breathing exercise again. Had music on, I thought that might be less awkward to start with. But I got totally focused on the music instead of me. -PERHAPS metal was not the best choice either- Oh well, not the desired effect, but I liked it anyway. It's interesting that I find this awkward, while I compliment myself out loud in the mirror ever morning. If I don’t have a problem with my face why would I still have awkwardness over my breath? The mind is an interesting thing. Anyway, today was almost a total waste. Well no, I can learn from failure. Ok, today was a failure but I choose now not to let it go to waste. I woke up tired today, and after my morning routine and dishes, I already felt exhausted. I worked for half an hour or so, decided that I needed to get energy somehow. I ate a banana and went for a walk. Didn't really help. I tried the breathing exercise again, but all that did was focus myself on my body and my body felt like shit today. Ok, focus on your mind, focus on your feelings. I felt frustrated. Frustrated because I can't get done what I want to get done, because I'm low on energy, because my body is hurting. Ok, now calm down. What was the next step? Accept your feelings. (…) Mhyr used Accept. It hurt itself in it's confusion! (…) So today, I ended up in my I-don't-give-a-fuck-imma-create-a-nice-safe-bubble-for-myself-and-ignore-my-commitments-and-duties-to-the-best-of-my-abilities-mode. In all honesty, I give a lot of fucks. Loads. That's why this whole thing is so frustrating to me. And when my hubby comes home after work, I can't stay in my bubble either. And I funnel my negative energy on him. I feel like I did a decent job avoiding that though. And I can safely say this bad day wasn't near as bad as bad days used to be. It still feels stupid, because I've been mentally preparing for a bad day for half a week or more now, and it still feels like a surprise. Anyway, running away from my problems only adds to them. I know this, I just don't feel like that and it's hard to act on knowledge if your feelings are violently against it. What I want to figure out, to make this a learning experience rather than only a failure, is what triggered my bad mood and what activities I can try to do next time to have a less bad day. I think very low energy-levels triggered my bad day, but I'm wondering whether that's all or there are other causes. I'll reflect on that. Thinking of all this, I've now decided that I want to be a warrior (this week and forevermore). Warriors fight till the end, even without a lot of energy left. And if they have little energy, they spend it wisely. I want to be strong and faithful to my commitments. I know I have a fighting spirit within me, I'm just very good at hiding too. Goals this week: -study concentrated (5.5/22 hours) -swimming laps (0/2 times) -read Art of War and summarize (1/4 chapters) -positive affirmation (2/7 times) -work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1) I'm grateful for: -supportive hubby -Hitaru -cat -swimming pool

@Mhyrion, so you did stop after taking one cookie? I did! But mostly because we had lunch right after. If it would've been a bowl with cookies I could grab off what I'd liked, I can't say it would've been only 1 cookie. I normally prevent cookies by just not buying them (strong tactics here :P), but when they are offered by someone else it's a whole different situation.

Day 48 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 14 days Soda free: 15 days Junk food free: 3 day 0 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today was a good, but not so productive day. I've visited the Studio where I had my internship. It was so good! I got a copy of the book with a lot of graphics I worked on, quite happy with that. She even hinted at future work, but we'll see about that. She didn't sound very certain of her plans yet. Anyway, all of that was great, but I also had 4 hours of travel time and came home very tired. I hope I can make up for the lost study hours during the rest of the week. Oh, I also ate a cookie while there, so broke my no junk food commitment again. I just immediately said yes when asked if I wanted a cookie, didn't feel like backing out was really an option after that. I did enjoy it tho I tried focusing on my breath for the first time today, to get calm and focus on my mood. My brain was too sceptical about it. I was like, having a 2 way conversation about it in my head, one part of me willing to try it, another part of me rolling her eyes and sighing. So, didn't really work out for me today, but I will try again tomorrow. Otherwise I have to look up another method to get in touch with my feelings better. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (3.5/22 hours) -swimming laps (0/2 times) -read Art of War and summarize (0/4 chapters) -positive affirmation (1/7 times) -work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -Beyond -trains -the toddler on the train that kept me awake on the journey back -bike

Good job so far! Just keep taking one step at a time!

Day 47 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 13 days Soda free: 14 days Junk food free: 3 day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The weekend has been good till now, pretty productive too. I cleaned my house, did tons of laundry and made the best smoothie thus far. I'm going to be a smoothie expert, ha. I am still very tired though, I hoped to refill my batteries a lot more. On the Beyond call we talked about becoming aware of your feelings and accepting them. The awareness part has certainly been improving, but accepting my moods is more difficult. I know and live by the fact that I have emotions, and that they do not define me. By accepting them, it feels like I let them define me anyway. I also would like to have more stable moods. Some days I go from one extreme to another within a matter of minutes, it's hard to manage for me. It's also annoying for people close to me because it makes me unpredictable. During the call I also realized that a lot of my goals are pretty unspecific. I feel like a lot of the things I want are also connected in one way or another. I want to study for 40 hours a week, right now I do about 20 hours. To work more hours I firstly need the energy to do so. I do not have the energy to study 40 hours a week yet, so I need to find ways to improve that. I've started exercising and have been eating way healthier then I used to. I feel the effects of that, but I realize it's also a progress. I can't go from coach-potato to decent healthy body in a week. So I need to be consistent and build up to that. Secondly, I need emotional control over myself to study more hours. I can't be distracted for an entire day and still study 40 hours a week. To improve this I've started several things to stay more positive, like positive affirmation and a gratitude list. Then there's procrastination, which is a big blockade. I've been working on the organizing part by making a big to-do list for my study and make a to-do list per day. But I'm still pretty clueless how long things take and there's a lot of factors that influence how quickly I can get things done. Momentum I've started on working too, normally by doing something non-study related to feel good about myself and get it of the to-do list. Like, doing the dishes or something silly like that. And then the emotional thing I already wrote about. It's a bit of a cascade, and kind of confused about what's influencing what, what should take priority. I'll figure it out though. I can't expect to make sense of my life within 1.5 month after neglecting it for so long. I'm also finding that the fine line between pushing myself and crashing is a bit blurry. Am I being lazy or would I otherwise push myself too far? I've prevented myself from crashing for almost 2 weeks now, which is amazing, and I really want to continue this way. I am also mentally preparing myself for the slap in my face from hormones that's due this week. It's hard to be consistent with that piled up on everything else. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (0/22 hours) -swimming laps (0/2 times) -read Art of War and summarize (0/4 chapters) -positive affirmation (0/7 times) -work non-specific goals into specific goals (0/1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -Beyond -hubby -shower -smoothie -salad

"Press ESC to start life"

Welcome back!

Day 45 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 11 days Soda free: 12 days Junk food free: 1 day Yesterday I used the last of my energy to drag my ass to the swimming pool. I was very tired but swimming was great. I also didn't have spaghetti legs or any muscle pain today, so I can do more laps next week. When I got home, I was too tired to do anything. Felt like a bit of a waste of my time to watch episodes, but I also felt like I pushed myself far enough. Sleep was sweet. Today I woke up very nostalgic for games. Maybe it´s because I was pretty low on energy. It's interesting to see that I am mostly nostalgic for the time I first started playing. Those where magic times of exploring and learning how the game works. I hardly ever long for what that evolved in: binge gaming and farming. It's good to see the difference. I don't think I can ever get the same sense of exploration and learning again in games. Anyway, low energy normally means low defenses and bad decisions. My brain knows. I haven't crashed yet, but I feel like I should tread carefully. It's good I have this awareness. I was glad I had the laser cutter scheduled for this morning to keep me busy. Watching the laser do it's job is pretty relaxed work and it's nice to see the drawings come to life. I'm not entirely satisfied with the results though, so I have to put in some more work refining some of the drawings and making it work for the laser and with the rest of the parts I already made. I'm starting to get really hyped for Beyond. It's nice to see the intro videos coming in. I feel like, reflecting on what kind of people surround me now, a lot of them are not really inspiring or driven. That needs to change. The people at the academy -at least the ones close to me- are generally low on motivation and drive, it's really dragging me down with them. I don't want that. I am starting to feel motivated to cut my slack as a designer and start creating beautiful things again. Graphic design can become my new grounds of exploration. Great people around me will help with this a lot. I was thinking why things got so out of hand past Wednesday with the junk food. I know that after one cookie, there's no stopping me. So if I prevent the first cookie, I prevent all cookies. Up till now I have focused on awareness; where am I going today and will there be any temptations to prepare for. But I did that quite extensive before I left, so that didn't go wrong. I also wasn't hungry and didn't really pay attention to other people eating the sweets as well. I have to figure out how to do this better the next time, but I feel a bit clueless how to improve on this right now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (20.5/20 hours) -swimming laps (2/2 times, 52 laps) -read Art of War and summarize (3/5 chapters) -positive affirmation (4/7 times) -go to any social event/meeting (1/1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -laser cutter -the smell of burned cardboard -trains -peace and quiet -facebook -coffee

Day 44 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 10 days Soda free: 11 days Junk food free: 4 days. 0 I didn't really accomplish much yesterday, except going to a social event. It was a prophetic midday with church members at someone's home. It was interesting but also extremely exhausting. There were more people then I expected and it took way longer too. I regret going all out on the cookies. I restrained myself for about 2 hours, but that was all I could muster. Actually got sick from eating so much. Felt really stupid about that. Today was quite productive. Talked a lot with other students, had a good time. One of the teachers was also present so also received feedback from him, which was a nice bonus. When I got home I have made my introduction video for Beyond. Never filmed my face before and put it out there. It felt somewhere between exciting and terrifying. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (16.5/20 hours) -swimming laps (2/2 times, 52 laps) -read Art of War and summarize (3/5 chapters) -positive affirmation (3/7 times) -go to any social event/meeting (1/1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -streetlights -sunshine -shower

Day 43 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 9 days Soda free: 10 days Junk food free: 5 days -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Early post, might not have time later today. Went for a swim yesterday. Decided on 24 laps, did 26. My legs felt like spaghetti when I got out of the pool, but I do not have nearly as much muscle pain as the last time. Progress. On a scale from how bad my music taste is to 10, my focus scores a solid Family Force 5 - Business Up Front, Party In The Back (Full Album). So pretty bad. I did work for 2 hours, but not as concentrated as I would've liked and making a lot of silly mistakes. So slow. Some drawings are starting to look pretty decent, others are still pretty shite and many are not yet finished. Need me some focus. Still have till Friday morning to finish what I'm working on, so I should be alright. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goals this week: -study concentrated (12/20 hours) -swimming laps (1/2 times, 26 laps) -read Art of War and summarize (3/5 chapters) -positive affirmation (3/7 times) -go to any social event/meeting (0/1)