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Everything posted by Mhyrion

  1. Up and down continued. I had an absolutely dreadful weekend. I ruined a job interview on Friday due to nerves, insecurity and a bad mix of honesty and bluff (too much honesty). I tried to hide from my excruciating feelings of self-doubt and hate with wine and games. Well, I succeeded to hide, but then you have to return to a sober state and you realize how much time you've wasted. I keep returning to the things I know don't work. Today however, I feel surprisingly happy and motivated. I have no clue as to what caused this sudden good mood. I've ID'd my third plant, it is a succulent(yay!) and it's called a Crassula Smithii. It doesn't have any other fancy names unfortunately. It also doesn't look very content either, I hope I can keep it alive. I've replanted all my plants from their original plastic container and investigated further how to water and feed them correctly. There's quite a 'science' behind plant keeping. Since I am in this motivated mood, let's set some goals to keep me from returning to shit that doesn't work. I'll make it a 30 day challenge. Every day goals: -no games -no soda -no alcohol -home cooked meal -outside activity Every weekday goals: -30 minutes of JS/html/css/bootstrap -no junk food 30 day goals: -read book -get overview of expenses -apply for 10 jobs
  2. Heh, me? Lurking? I do not know what you're talking about
  3. I've had a bit of a lapse on basically everything. And of course I can start over again. And again. Aaaaaaand again. But I wonder what really drives me. I didn't even stay game free (like that should be easy by now), feeling so incredibly overwhelmed with some serious self-harm thoughts. Excuses, excuses, although still, playing a game has much less lasting effects compared to the things I was thinking of. I haven't had those thoughts so strongly in quite some time and I still can't handle those when they come. All my emotions seem very strong lately. Yesterday, feeling frustrated, I decided to sit in the sun to relax. But I couldn't enjoy it. At that moment, I really REALLY would've liked to smash my coffee cup in the wall. I honestly didn't know why I felt so angry, I seem to have a very short fuse lately and anything can 'set me off'. (It was somehow enjoyable to feel something else then frustration or sadness though) I feel like a mess and I don't know how to make it better. Living like this is exhausting and unsustainable. I am wondering whether this is progress from feeling nothing, and it is, but then it really isn't at the same time. On a brighter note, I decided to identify my plants. Of the three plants I have, one is indeed a succulent, called a Jade plant. The other is a Creeping Turtle/Creeping Vine, and has semi-succulent leaves, but isn't quite a succulent. But it's easy to keep, and that's the most important thing. The other plant I have yet to identify, but considering the Creeping Turtle, I guess it's not a 'full blood' succulent either. (I am also really hoping it has a sort-of Asian theme to it's name, that would be cool) Nevertheless, I joined a succulent lovers group on fb and I am falling in love with all those beautiful, intriguing plants that are indeed succulents. But let's not get carried away, let's first keep the plants I have alive. I also still enjoy my freeCodeCamp course. It's challenging and my brain likes some strain (I guess). It might also have been a cause of some of my strong emotions, but I am learning not to work while feeling frustrated and that defuses the situation quite profoundly.
  4. It's one of the easiest plants to keep alive https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Succulent_plant Is it called differently in the USA?
  5. Mhyrion

    Relapse :(

    Thanks for sharing and good job figuring out why you relapsed! That means you can work on those specific area's and go forward from there. Going to a new place might be a great chance to find new, close-by friends to fill the social void and exploring that new place could well serve to fill your time. Good luck with your new job!
  6. Up and down and up and down. Really, what point is there in writing about it anymore? Thinking about doing this for another 60+ years makes me go crazy. I decided not to be a rollercoaster, but here I am, being swept away on another wild ride. I do enjoy the ups tremendously, but the downs have been quite severe too and quite unpredictable. It doesn't seem to have a clear cause the past two weeks and that is quite confusing. Normally I could pin point a cause, most of the time my own inconsistency is to blame, but I seem to go down quite reasonless lately. I've had great productive days with relaxing moments in the sun with cat and husband, and still felt myself wondering quite meloncholicly the point of it all in the evening or going bat-shit crazy/frustrated over some other minor thing. Besides being all up and down, life is pretty ok. I have even made some effort to stay socially connected, normally this would've starved out completely in summer. But not this time. I am making great process towards learning JS basics too and I am trying to make the bootstrap navbar work for me right now. 1-0 for navbar thus far, but I'll figure it out soon. The bootstrap grid and systems are starting to do what I want it to, which is a good start. (But the moment I put it inside a navbar it's all broke xD). Right now I am at a point that everytime I work with JS/html/css/bootstrap I learn something new, and that is satisfying. (I am reminding myself however, that it will not stay this 'instant'-rewarding). Furthermore, I've had a great relaxing birthday doing exactly what I wanted and none of the obliged family shit I usually feel bound to do. Went to an orchid/lori/butterfly garden together with my sister, her fiancee and hubby of course and in the evening pizza with wine and cardgames where my brother joined. That's so much better then having granny's over, whining about all your life choices and how you never call her (gee, I wonder why…). And I do love butterflies, beautiful, beautiful creatures. I used to collect them as a kid, although they are much less magnificent when pinned dead on a cushion of course. I am also falling in love with the succulents I got gifted. I already had one succulent and since I kept it alive for months in a row (to put this in perspective: all the former plants died because I forgot they existed until they dropped dead leafs on the table) I decided I was up for more. It's incredibly cozy and it makes me happy.
  7. I am one of those persons who is bored out of her mind after eating the same in a row twice, hehe. So I get to be creative with the healthy choices there are. Also, cats <3 40%! I think that's inspiring! I also think my home looks also so much nicer and clearer now all the stuff is out of sight or indeed gone. Thanks! --- Alllllright, feeling better again. Been working on freecodecamp the past two weeks, don't think I mentioned it here yet. It is both fun and challenging. I like having something more beta on my hands I guess. I am making a tribute page now, I try to put in as many things I learned thus far and learn some other basics as well. I can't get jquery to work on codepen, not sure why. But besides that, I made a beau-ti-ful page thus far. In the end, I hope this will make me a bit more interesting for the job-market.
  8. No soda: 21/22 No junk/to go: 18/22 Exercise: 18/22 --- Having a streak of bad mood days, I'm feeling very fragile. Didn't do much, but also didn't do anything rash or stupid. Most simple things I tried I gave up on or failed at. (I cried yesterday because I failed, after failing many things that day, to peel a mineola. And that was just it. I ruined the mineola I was looking forward to. How am I supposed to do anything with myself when I can't coop with fruits? Geez.) I managed to continue eating healthy, although that is mainly because I didn't go outside much. Exercise is difficult enough to keep up when feeling happy, doing that while feeling like this.. I don't how to motivate myself. I am looking forward to having more data points on my weight so I can see what are monthly fluctuations and what is actually weightloss. I'm grateful for: -having the most patient hubby in the world -having the cat for company during the day -a clean and spacious house
  9. No soda: 17/18 No junk/to go: 15/18 Exercise: 15/18 -- Things achieved this week: -cleaned the entire house thoroughly -painted a room + radiator -created a home office in one the rooms that will no longer be rented, also making our bedroom no longer multi-purpose and crammed -got rejected for two jobs -tidy the garden -went to therapy -scheduled a job application for a supermarket job. Sadly, it will only happen in three weeks, but it's a good back-up plan if they decide to hire me and I haven no prospect on another job by then -having an identity crisis (on going) Things I want to do more: -apply for jobs. Wondering whether applying for jobs in the middle of summer is any good though, considering holidays and such... -get move-ready: organize aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the stuff. What amount of stuff we have collected in 6 years. My, my. -exercise Things I want to do better: -don't binge on junk food (schedule eating better)
  10. @Mettermrck Thanks for the support! I think I am already rewiring. Woo! Thanks for your support! --- No soda: 12/12 No junk/to go: 11/12 Exercise: 10/12 I am starting to notice changes. It might be purely psychological. I am going to enjoy it either way. Last couple of days I have a lot of energy left in the evenings. I don't really know what to do with myself. Today I went out and did some gardening to spend some of the extra energy. I already went for an hour long walk and did a lot of household stuff among other things. I still have energy left. Madness. Also, apples taste super sweet, like wow. I didn't notice apples were so darn sweet up till now. Besides that, I feel less insecure about my body. (Although this is always fluctuating.) Not that there's any change to see yet, but I feel confident knowing I am working on what I don't like (and at least I won't get fluffier living like this). I am keeping track of exactly what I eat right now. It's a bit tedious, but it gives a lot of insight. I also read up on what nutrient does what, but I would like to learn more. Furthermore I made a list of exercises that will improve my upper body strength, especially my back and neck. I felt a bit uncoordinated so I want to complete these sets every day starting tomorrow. I will probably have to experiment a bit as I try things out. As a side goal I want to learn how to do a proper push up, because I learned it's an exercise that will use a lot of muscle groups and that sounds… efficient. Besides that, it kinda looks cool. I guess. I am thinking fit things are cool now. Who am I?
  11. Thanks for the suggestion. I've been thinking about it and looked up the gyms nearby, but the prices are quite high, none are open early in the morning (the time I prefer to exercise), and the real reason: gyms and the people in it are just scary to me. --- No soda: 10/10 No junk/to go: 9/10 (-1 = dinner with friends) Exercise: 8/10 (-2 = sick days) I have reached the part of detoxing unhealthy living where I am quite grumpy, bored and dissatisfied. Honestly, eating healthy bores my brains out of my skull. I need to find my way in this. I tried to make eating a bit more inspiring today with a nice salad, and it did turn out nice. But compared to the high sugar/salt things I am used to… Gah. Pizza cravings. Pizza cravings. Pizza cravings. My body still thinks this is a temporary situation that will be resolved any hour now. Surprise mofo, we gon be eating healthy the rest of our life. Still, I like making salads and yogurt drinks and such. It's a nice way to pass some time in between things and in the evenings. Exercise gives me a nice jolt of proud- and accomplished-feeling afterwards. But it feels like a chore all the way before that and during it. I don't understand how people can go all out on sports. See, maybe if the long term results are in, I might feel more motivated. But it will be a while before anything shows. I looked up some beginner fitness schedules (without machines, that is), and I can't do half of the exercises suggested. That just makes me want to give up here and now. Which will accomplish exactly nothing. I think most of my frustration stems from not understanding my body and how to control it. My body remains a mystery to me that seems hard to unravel. That's what you get for ignoring it for most of your life. If detoxing unhealthy living is anything like detoxing gaming, then the most important things right now are: stay consistent (even if it seems useless as fuck), don't stay inside and alone all day and don't forget to like/love myself.
  12. Last Saturday I had the whole diploma ceremony thing. What should've been a joyful event was overshadowed by a severe headache and ended in tears because of the pain. I stayed in bed the rest of the weekend, everything was too much to handle. Fucking hormones. It's silly, now I have the space to do whatever I want, the thing I feel most important right now is to clean and organize my home. I'm so fucking houswifey (for lack of better words xD).. I feel the clearness of my mind is directly linked to the clearness of my place. Right now it's still a bit chaotic. Besides organizing, I feel a bit lost right now. In a week the exhibition is over and I have no place to go and hang around with peers. I need to fix that or I'll -in all probability- fall into the trap of nothingness. A part time job would be great. I already updated my CV and applied for two supermarket jobs. This week I want to check out other big store chains and my regular employment agency too. Getting ready for a lot of rejections. Woo. Everything goal and system related is a bit fuzzy still. What are my goals? What are the systems? I have been eating healthy for 6 days now, -on exception on dinner with friends, but that's total legit-, and I am quite proud. I will focus on consistency with this. I am not entirely sure whether my idea of healthy is actually healthy, but common sense often goes a long way. No soda, no junk, no to go foods, lots of veg, fruits and water. I hope this will go a long way to getting me more healthy and energized. Exercising is going less smooth. Exercising with a severe headache is not a success, today my back hurts with every step. I also feel like I have no clue what I am doing. This body, muscles, everything, it kinda feels like an alien device to me. I have been happy with my body being able to hold a mouse and keyboard, besides that I have desired little of it. Now I have many small and big goals for it, and I am not sure how to reach it. My back and neck hurt a lot, I still have a bit of a 'gamer' hunch I want to get rid of. I have no stamina to speak of and I want my energy levels up. I want my belly fat reduced and while. I. am. at. it. -and feeling like I can do anything now that I am graduated- I would love to lose two clothing sizes before my sisters wedding (that's in a year..). In any case, consistency has to be there first. I am logging my eating and exercise habits right now, to see where I am now and what I can improve.
  13. New life goals: -get a job -get fit -create more specific life goals and systems to get there --- 04/07/17 Healthy eating: +no soda +no junk/to go ++ made salad Exercise: 5 min. warming up 15 min jumping rope and stretches - 05/07/17 Healthy eating: +no soda -dinner with friends (+++ for (social) happiness though) --4 alcoholic beverages Exercise: 11 min roller skating - 06/07/17 Healthy eating: +no soda +no junk/to go ++resisted ice-cream temptation Exercise: 5 min warming up 5 minute jumping rope with stretches 15 minutes roller skating
  14. @giblets @Tom2 Thanks for the encouragement --- I have managed to complete everything exhibition related in time. Mission accomplished! It's amazing. This whole process has been so rich and insightful to me. I have learned to ask for help and overcame my fear of woodworking machines completely. The amount of stress was insane though. This was mostly due to bad scheduling and not double checking things, causing some last minute mistakes and such. If I ever do a project this big again, that's something be aware of. The exhibition looks very, very pleasing now; I can proudly and confidently present my work next Monday. Last night I slept superb, this morning I took some time to do things in a slow pace. Just sitting with a coffee not doing anything in particular besides waking up. Really missed some quiet like that. Now, the coming days I have to make some final preparations (in a sane pace), pick up healthy eating and sleeping and cleaning up the mess that lies in my wake
  15. I am going insane, so let's write some things of my chest. 3 more days and the worst is over. I encountered some last-minute troubles, I hope I can fix it in time. I am slightly behind schedule due to that. Also because I scheduled for myself if I were a machine. I am not. So I took some time to relax this weekend, try and charge my batteries. It was a partial succes. I really made insane hours last week, next three days I need to keep that up. After that I can take it just a bit easier. Today I am dependent on other people, which is nessesary but very inconvenient at the same time. I hope I don't end up waiting around, but it's out of my control. Meanwhile, I haven't been taken care of my body, and I am feeling the effects of that. I either didn't eat or eat some to-go stuff the past weeks and the times I did cook, I was so tired it was absolute garbage. Needless to say, my belly isn't in a happy place right now. Also my feet are starting to fail, I am dropping things at random because of tiredness and I grated my fingers. Having a normal conversation also seems to be vèry difficult. Oh and there's this high beeeeeeeep tone in my ears at times. I am ignoring all that right now and it feels wrong, wrong, wrong, but I honestly am not going to fail graduation this time.
  16. @Random I heard someone else about that boardgame too. Perhaps worth a try then --- Today didn't go as planned at all, I tried to salvage what I could in terms of productivity, but it was frustrating all the way through. My thoughts where constantly going places, zoning out. The atmosphere at the academy was so tense it made me anxious and I left halfway through the day. I need to find a way to deal with the tenseness of the atmosphere, because I am assuming it will stay with about 100 persons getting close to their graduation deadlines. Perhaps music. I did take a quick look at my exhibition spot today, and it's pretty neat. I can surely make it work, only some minor issues came up. I've been super emotional lately. Right now. It comes and goes. I am certainly not in control. I criedlaughed a big part of Saturday night and talked with hubby. A lot came up -I don't think I made much sense though-. There are a so many things I haven't allowed myself to feel, to do, to be. And things I have allowed myself to do and be that I find repulsive. The strong waves of emotions makes me want to go in hiding, yet I do not have time for it so I face them and fail at that. Is crying and laughing uncontrollably failing? I guess I get to decide that, but I do not know. Two more weeks of madness and I have time to find more clarity. And again, when tired, more game related stuff seems to come up. I am not even bothered anymore having a voice line of a character pop up in my head (sometimes, the timing is even funny..).
  17. Last Saturday I played a gamified boardgame with hubby on my laptop. I noticed the following days that my brain keeps returning attention towards it, so I've come to the conclusion I am not ready for it. Even though I never played digital boardgames and normal boardgames are totally fine, the happy reward sounds and such are apparently too strongly linked to the whole gaming experience. It was worth a try, hubby and I both love playing board games but many are not enjoyable with two players. I could/should perhaps maybe make a goal out of finding boardgame friends sometime instead of trying a digital one...... Besides that, my life is total madness right now. I have not been this productive ever. I have also not been this tired and stressed ever. Although the stress levels are more like waves and if it's a very high wave, I just take a moment. My current state isn't very healthy, but it will soon be over, so it's acceptable to live like this for now. Failing is not an option. Crashing is neither. I am doing things I didn't thought I was (this) able at. Like working while stressed. Being productive even when tired and unfocused. Asking loads of people for help. Making tons of decisions (and not regretting them but just go with em and make them work). Making a schedule and sticking to it like bees to honey. Staying positive and patient when things go wrong. In two and a half weeks I can add: actually finishing a creative project instead of procrastinating on it forever or not taking the time on the finishing touches in the end. Looking forward to that.
  18. Today is day 88 staying game free in a row. Almost everything right now seems to revolve around graduating. Totally dropped the ball on self-care and the household-tasks-ball is also on it's way to the ground. It's unbalanced, but I have a lot of work to do and I want to keep some room for error for last minute madness that surely will occur. (Sleep is for the weak, right?) Staying organized and calm seems to be more difficult lately. I am happy though that past-me is looking out for now-me; I made reservations for the right times and have appointments that serve as deadlines. I also finally mustered up the courage to ask the woodshop worker for help, which will hopely assure some smoother sailing next week and at the very least assured me of the right wood to work with. If I asked earlier instead of being a chicken, it would've been even smoother. Next week I have a lot of craftwork upcoming for my treehouse model, which I am actually looking forward to. I am a bit nervous for installing the exhibition, I have no experience with a couple of things that need taken care of and a couple of silly fears to overcome. (I realized, reflecting, that I am in fact, afraid of handling a drill. Silly me.) Now onwards! Untill I finally hold that sweet sweet diploma in my hands and can sleep in peace.
  19. This week I screwed up a bit. My self-care levels have dropped tremendously while stress levels were super high. This of course will amplify eachother; more stress means self-care is lower on my agenda, less sleep and more junk food means worse handling of stress. Self-care should just stay on a high for me to function well. I slept about 6 hours last night while I know I need at least 8, and my brain just sort of broke halfway through today. I still was productive the rest of the week, but I felt more lacklustre and unfocused while working. While feeling stressed, the need to write has also increased, I am just going to go along with it. While tired, there seem to be some game related music sapping through from memories. It distracted me and I entertained the thought of playing. I also figured I am actually starting to forget game related knowledge, which made me feel panicky untill I decided that was a good sign of progress and also it's totally useless to have this knowledge. It serves me no longer. (This made me wonder if I can actually forget certain things while being exposed to them for so long, especially music. Time will tell) I guess though, the impulse to hide when stressed is still there. It also might imply 90 days is not enough for my brain to be totally rewired. As long a connection between games and easy-way-not-having-to-face-difficulties is still strongly present, how can I trust myself with it? I also read a lot of journals here of people trying moderation and failing (terribly), and I will take that as a stern warning. I also want to fashion my life in a way I don't have time for game related things. I am planning, for one, to get into a lil less fluffy, more fit shape after graduating. I am also looking if starting a creative bussiness is right for me. But it's still hard to think about much more than graduation right now, so I am basically planning to make elaborate plans the moment I graduate. I will have no (imposed) structure after graduation, only the pressing matters of finding (any) job and an apartment. So I better make myself a good plan by then, lack of structure makes me greatly dysfunctional. Anyway, there's no time for hiding, neither do I want to. I am however gonna need to take great care of myself this weekend to get unstressed and get my healthy eat and sleep systems up to par again.
  20. @Cam Adair @hycniejsy Thanks for the support guys! You're awesome! --- 80 days game free! And on my way to becoming a productive and functional member of society Life has turned into a nice combination of super busy, productive weekdays and super relaxed, sunny weekends. One month and the show is on, gotta get so much shit done. It's been satisfactory, although there also have been high stress moments (when I wonder what the hell I am doing and how to proceed). Today I recorded for the voice-over of my animation. It was a bit awkward, but I am so happy I arranged an actress. At the end of the midday I will have another actress over at the audio studio, so I can pick what's best suited for the animation. It's a learning experience, which I enjoy very much. I needed to give more direction then I thought, but I like working together with other people. It's silly. I've been trying so hard to avoid social contact the past years, but I am learning that making a project together with other motivated, creative people is so worthwhile to me. Sure, putting myself out there, asking for help, feels awkward and uncomfortable and I place myself in a dependent position. But if it succeeds, the results are far greater then what I could've done all alone. I want more co-op projects. I hope this is a spark of passion for creative projects to come, because without this drive, I better find myself some other direction in life. It's not like jobs and money are a-plenty in the creative field. A point of frustration is that I still find myself at odds with my tutors. Just support me already! Gah. Honestly, as long as I finish my products and exhibition and have a cohesive story to tell, it's all fine. I might not be their prize student (never was xD), but it's surely enough to let me pass. Sometimes I lose focus on this; it's easy to get frustrated about their cold remarks about something I try my dearest to succeed in and work at full time. But it matters not, as long as I graduate.
  21. Great productivity! Glad to see you back posting (in english ;))
  22. This has been one of the most productive weeks for me in... years. And I do not feel extremely tired or overwhelmed for it. 6 more of those weeks and my study is completed and done with. Instead of taking a break on Wednesday, I promised myself icecream during lunch break. Got some other students to tag along. (Taking initiative for icecream while 27 degrees outside, how to set yourself up for success :))) Icecream was all the break I needed this week, I was very productive and motivated afterwards. I also asked for help again this week, with immediate results in finding a voice-over actress with whom I will have a try-out next week. Today is 10 weeks game-free. 3 more weeks to go to complete the 90 days. I'm considering what I want after it. I like my life without games, but I dislike not having a joined interest with hubby. We tried several things together, always one of us is incredibly bored or uninterested. It's frustrating. Whatever I decide to do, the games I used to play are off limits forever. We'll see. I am way too busy the coming weeks to get into something new anyway. Also complimented another stranger today. Perhaps a new habit? It was spontaneous this time around and gave me a bit of a rush of.. adrenaline? Something. I surprised myself.
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