Schwing

Detox day: 73 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 10 Today I left my comfort zone by: Trying to answer as many questions in class as possible and make as much of an active contribution as I couldTalking to a 'friend' about how someone pissed me off today.Goals from yesterday done?: Today goals aren't from yesterday but just represent my general habitsYes I got up on the dotYes took cold showerNope. I watched a movie instead of studying but my teacher told me to watch it for a trip we are doing tomorrow.No hobby activitiesWorkout planning not doneThoughts and Feelings: Got up super early.There was this kid at school today. I was talking about metal to someone else and I said I liked death metal. And then this kid just totally disrespects me and chats a load of shit about death metal. At the time I kept my cool and tried to make him understand (he didn't ofc) but later on I felt angry because I am very passionate about my music.Went all out in running. Felt good.Bioenergetics are working. Lately I have felt more in touch with my physical body and body of emotion (soul, heart etc. whatever you want to call it). Before I was just living in my head because I thought it was the only thing that mattered but now I realise they are all interconnected.Lot of posting today on forum on my part.School trip to bletchley park where they cracked the enigma code. I watched the imitation game movie today. very inspiring.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: runningMental: Studying(4), art, personal dev. videos, emailed dadSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergeticsWhat I am grateful for: MetalCold waterThe annoying kid for helping me exercise my aggression/yieldingMy 'friend' for listening and not being negative to meNice clothesWhat I have learnt from today: Stay chill alwaysI am embracing pain now. Only way to get strongerThere is inspiration EVERYWHERE!Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Wearing clothes that make me look like a total goth on the school trip. Even though I'm not. Should be fun.Goals for tomorrow: Get up at 6:30Don't pussy out of cold shower. You can take it.2 pommodros1 hobby activitySchool trip so only fundamental goals hereI know I look like a douche when i put friend in inverted commas. But I just don't feel comfortable calling someone friend who isn't supportive of me vice versa.

Looking sexy in your profile picture. Just had to say that.

No post yesterday. I came back from climbing with a headache so I went to bed early but fuck me what an eventful day it was! So yesterday I predetermined my comfort zone leaving activity was to wear a tank top to the climbing centre; armpit hair and all. But there's also this german girl who is new there and goes to my school. So I ended up having a really long conversation with her about all sorts of stuff and some quite deep subjects might I add. That was a first for me and it was fanfuckingtastic. Came home very satisfied. She is leaving at the end of this year though and she said she was in year 10. 2 years isn't much of a difference though right? She didn't look 14 though. I'll make that my excuse if I get done for statutory rape! Got to think ahead! I learnt: that girls are better to talk to about some stuff than guys are. guys are always insecure about their ego and wont talk about deeper subjects because they're afraid of looking like an 'idiot'. girls just aren't funny to me- but they laugh at all my jokes even if they are shit. Cold showers are turning me into a masochist. MORE COLD. MORE PAIN. jk but they have increased my willpower significantly.

(ignore this post i'm using it to test a forum bug)

@WorkInProgress I'll check it out

I see you mention this term a lot. Could you tell me what it means? Sorry, I'm sure it's something really obvious.

Detox day: 71 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 8 Today I left my comfort zone by: Emailing my dad. he hasn't replied to my text yet. I feel less scared to contact him now. face my fears and face them again and again and crush them one by one.Goals from yesterday done?: No got up at 7:40 Yes took cold shower4 pommodros doneDid artNope, wont take long thoughI didn't do it because it clashed with something else. next week thoughThoughts and Feelings: Got up super late. Need a way to get my arse out of bed quickTook another cold shower straight off the bat on the cold setting. My nipples felt like they were going to drop off at first but it felt good! I'm not even into BDSM.Did some bioenergetic exercises that I could do without a good amount of space and sending tremors and deep gorilla noises throughout the houseSo school was weird for the first half of today. I was much more wary and chilled and confident. I felt very collected but I was subject to some old behaviour (basically being a nobhead and trying to chat back at people). Probably because of the exercises.I made an effort to sneak some deeper subjects into conversations with people. Even though they weren't that receptive most of the time. However I did have a chat with an old friend who I don't talk to much anymore and he looked like he was making an effort to have a deeper conversation but I felt I wasn't being receptive enough. I should talk to him again.So some little shits were lining the corridor after school and decided they would pick on anyone that walked past. I ended up pushing one back into the wall but I just kept my cool and walked past for the most of it. They are just weak and insecure and I am not weak and insecure enough to play their games. I have no shit on them and I sucked it up well but I felt angry later on. This was a lesson to me today to always keep my cool and act rationally always.Nailed 4 pommodros. well not exactly. I think 4 is my limit for a school night so I should keep practising it to get more productive and procrastinate lessDid some art. I am focusing on building a strong foundation by learning the fundamentals such as anatomy, lighting, form, perspective etc.I have been interested in satanic philosophy in the past. I have had a copy of the satanic bible by anton szandor lavey for 2 years and now his ideas make more sense to me. But I feel he failed as to explaining how to embody and pursue them properly (he only really scratches the surface). I feel I can take on these ideas more without emotional conflict in my self. At first I assumed that it was because they were wrong. But now I know it was because they didn't resonate with other knowledge that I had lacked up until now.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: runningMental: Studying(4), art, personal dev. videos, emailed dadSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergeticsWhat I am grateful for: MetalCold waterFacing my fearsThose cunts in the corridorPeople who want to share deep conversations with mePeople who give a shitThis beautiful music. I should buy the CD already. I am grateful for death metal musicians doing what they love and keeping good music alive even if nobody likes them much. They earn very little money.What I have learnt from today: Stay chillLife is feeling like a big videogame. So many doors have opened up to me recently. FEELS GOODLeaving your comfort zone is essentialGoals for tomorrow: Get up at 6:30Don't pussy out of cold shower. You can take it.4 pommodros1 hobby activityPlan workout daysDo your best in climbing.

Congrats on starting your journal. One thing you will begin to love about this site is the sheer multitude of journeys and experiences being shared. It's truly something special. great to have you on board and I wish you the best of luck in the tough times about to come. Edit: just saw your breakdancing videos. You've got some serious moves. Keep up with it and you will fucking slay. One thing i have learned is that your enjoyment of a hobby will only get you so far in the start and you will have to grind out to get gud for a spell then you will start feeling the passion kick in again. Kind of like in a videogame. Interesting what those wretched things have taught us about life.

Yes I realise the importance of leaving my comfort zone and all pain in my life is just an opportunity to learn and grow in areas I am lacking. I am going to make a rule to leave my comfort zone in at least one new way each day. I'll probably end up doing some pretty crazy shit by the end of it.

Detox day: 70 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 7 Goals from yesterday done?: No got up at 11:00Yes took cold shower6 pommodros doneTexted dad but he didn't reply.Thoughts and Feelings: Got up super late. But I guess it's a Sunday.I made an error in my previous entry. I am teaching the lesson tomorrow.Took a cold shower with cold water right of the bat. Felt like a badass.Tried some bioenergetic exercises this morning but I don't have enough space in my room for some of themI looked out this workout routine that @WorkInProgress showed another guy. I will make it a goal next week in planning it out.Did some studying. Took a long time but I got my target of 6 pommodros of good work.Watched a few more of that Eliott hulse's videos. I should probably buy myself some personal development books. I know of a couple along these lines: the alchemist, and the slight edge. I will look into them.I made a big accomplishment and sent a text to my dad. I felt a physical difficulty in pressing the send button. Facing my fears one by one is what I should do to elimate weakness.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: metal vocalsMental: Studying(6), art, personal dev. videos, readingSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergeticsWhat I am grateful for: MetalCold waterFacing my fearsHigh speed internet@WorkInProgress @Csaba_Bekesi @Fagus for all supporting me recently (sorry if I missed someone out there)What I have learnt from today: I must face my fearsI should follow my heart and do what I want with my life.Don't be caught up in psychological trappings of the mind.Enjoyment of a hobby only gets you so far. You have to be disciplined and slug out the tough times to feel the same enjoyment again. It's a cycle. Pick something you like and keep doing it.Goals for tomorrow: Get up at 6:30Don't pussy out of cold shower. You can take it.4 pommodros1 hobby activityPlan workout daysBe an active participant of teaching lesson

@Fagus that makes a bit more sense now. Like how he talked in the video about how beta are more jumpy and over active (he used the term neurotic I believe) and how there is a middle frequency (alpha) which is balanced. So a meditative is on the other end of the spectrum. And he talks about how on the internet people will toss around buzzwords like alpha and beta and he explains the 'true' characteristics of an 'alpha' male to clear up misconceptions. Really men shouldn't force aggressiveness as it shows their insecurity and just be chill. Alpha and beta are real things- just not as how they are traditionally thought of

@Csaba_Bekesi Always careful of what I see. I find things that resonate with me a lot and I take them on board a lot of the time but, over time, I often ditch a lot of it only keeping small relics of the idea. I am listening to Elliott for now but as my knowledge expands I am sure I will obtain a more developed opinion.

@Fagus @Csaba_Bekesi Bear with me, my understanding is quite limited of the subject. It's more of a way I see things hence I use my own terminology and you don't understand because of this alien terminology. And perhaps I am wrong but this is what I understand: Ok so a way I can word 'energy' in a very brief and abstract sense is someone's nature; how they come across to other people and how they act; their demeanour and being. Your energy is an evolutionary trait with purpose. For example, have you ever looked at someone and thought "Wow this guy is something else..." or "This guy just looks like a shell" or just "I don't really like him". Well that is their energy coming through and your intuition perceiving it. Your brain is linked to your body and psychological aspects of yourself are apparent in your actions, delivery of speech, posture and apparel. This perception of other people's energies isn't a rational deduction you make. You feel when you like someone or when they piss you off- it's a subconscious thing. So that was more of a general explanation of how I see it. To address my point's about male and female energy in a vague sense- male energy is basically about giving and female energy is basically about receiving. As for alpha and beta energy check this out. This guy is where I'm getting my ideas as of late.

Danke schön! It's been bugging me a while and I need to get it off my chest. This will help me beat procrastination.

I really need to keep what I learn close and put it to practice. I have flopped before in the past for not retaining knowledge properly.

Detox day: 69 hehehehe NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 6 Goals from yesterday done?: Woke up at: 7:40 Thoughts and Feelings: No post last night because I had workToday was better moodwise but i still got up later than my target timeI got a lot of shit done todayI am doing an "air cadet leadership course" in july at an RAF college. I filled out my application today. It's going to be tough but a serious opportunity to grow some balls.Tomorrow I have to teach younger cadets at my cadet force some stuff so I decided to give a shit and read up on it which none of my peers do so the kids just end up misbehaving and totally disrespecting you.I watched a LOT of personal dev. videos today all from this guy's one channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLrI-dOLyDbRnPyUeWadsOg The videos are SO good and my perspective has shifted a lot.Cold showers are getting easierI could have done more studying if I didn't watch so many of those videosI have been using kanbanflow which I learnt about through @WorkInProgress. I am using this as my primary way of structuring my working life. whenever i mention studying in my tasks/achievements i give the number of pomodros in bracketsSo in my posts I am referring to spirituality and shit. I do not believe in hocus pocus. The way I see the spirit of man is his emotions and energies and how it drives him and creates his apparel. These are physical firings of neurons and surges of hormones and the working of the subconscious mind. So this is like, posture, charisma, focus, love, character etc. I see mental things as pure logic and rationality based activities.My goal this weekend is to set things straight with my dadTasks and Achievements: Physical: metal vocalsMental: School, studying(2), application for leadership course, cadet force work, personal dev. videosSpiritual: 5 min meditation, cold showerWhat I am grateful for: Metalthat youtube guyyou guyskanbanflowThe suffering of lifeWhat I have learnt from today: A lot. Probably so much that this part of my journal will become and essay. Therefore I will be abstract. I like it how I learned a bit about how our minds and bodies work to influence our psychology and the psychology of others on a rather rational level.I learnt about: masculine and feminine energy, alpha and beta male energy, being neurotic as opposed to chill, the three parts of the mind and not to let the conscious mind control our actions, how the mind is linked to the body, suffering is necessary, there is a reason your life is shit, confront the shit, people treat you like shit because you let them, relationships, life has meaning when you sufferI have solidified my opinion on masturbation. I think sex is a very intimate thing and not just another method of busting a nut. Sex is something where you experience genuine attraction to another individual on a spiritual level. I wont fuck with that by tossing my dick off all the time. I shouldn't make love to material things.About tomorrow: Get up at 8:30Don't pussy out of cold shower. You can take it.6 pomodrosPhone dad

Detox day: 67 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 4 Woke up at: 8:00 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up super late and I didn't take my cold shower. I did taken one when I got back in though. So I have had a cold shower every day since I started. I just need to step up my willpower and get myself up at 6:30 for oneToday at school I was very depressed. For no reason at all really. I feel lonely sometimes perhaps. As the day came to an end my mood improved. Despite my moodiness I have noticed that I don't really give a fuck about peoples opinions of me anymore and I am less paranoid.I went to my school's charity committee meeting today. I don't really care about it and I just sat through the whole thing and didn't say a word. Perhaps I should make more contribution in things I don't really care about so I get into good habits of getting shit do e.Came home and didn't do much studying but I ended up looking at some art tutorials and also some metal vocal tutorials. Perhaps I should stick with them?Tasks and Achievements: ArtCold shower5 min meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalNo social anxietyRunning waterWhat I have learnt from today: I lack structure. Need to create a morning routine quick and find ways of maximising my productivityAbout tomorrow: Get up at 6:30Don't pussy out of cold shower. You can take it.Studying. Be more productive. Structure

@Reloaded No I don't listen to rammstein. I checked them out a while ago and it isn't really my thing. @WorkInProgress Yes I use CAD all the time for my school work. I have solidworks student addition on my PC. I made a bass drum pedal in it for my coursework.

Detox day: 66 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 3 Woke up at: 7:40 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up late but I took a cold showerSchool has been good lately. I haven't been depressed at all really.No homework tonight so I did some art instead.Watched a movie. It was an adaptation of the dead space videogames and I felt a yearning to go and play them. I especially miss kerbal space programming. The physics behind everything was always so cool and the problem solving aspect too. As an aspiring engineer I loved that game. Tasks and Achievements: ArtCold showerRunning5 min meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalBeing me. I don't think I give myself enough credit. I am an interesting person.What I have learnt from today: I would benefit from some sort of morning routineAbout tomorrow: Get up at 6:30Do project workStudying

Detox day: 65 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 2 Woke up at: 7:40 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up late and I didn't take my cold shower. I did taken one when I got back in though. I almost fell over because my muscles locked up lolFelt a bit shitty this morning but everything got better once I got into the swing of things.No homework tonight so I did some art insteadI should read a bit or have a chat with my friend before I go to sleep.Tasks and Achievements: ArtCold showerWhat I am grateful for: MetalPeople enjoying my company. I just need to iniate hanging out with some people.Connecting with awesome people on this site who I would have never found otherwise.People on this site like fucking metaaaaallll. You guys have awesome taste.What I have learnt from today: I need to get back on track with meditation or at least something like a workout routineI have almost finished my sketchbook. My artwork seems to have improved. I am keen on playing around with a charcoal set I got for Christmas. Maybe I will do a sketchbook tour video to keep track of my progress.About tomorrow: Get up at 6:30Do project workStudyingTry and talk to some girls maybe?Here are some pics of what I drew recently (not the best but I'm making progress):

@Csaba_Bekesi Fuck yes mate I have the anaal nathrakh album on CD! Damonacy sounds dope as fuck! never heard of them before. Also bloodshot dawn; I have never given them a proper listen. You might have heard this band they are similar to bloodshot dawn in terms of being quite technical/ melodic Check this out

Oh I love that song! The riffs are just amazing. I used to listen to that album whenever it was raining outside. I'm missing insomnium playing at manchester tonight actually. Getting to gigs is very difficult at my age. It sucks because it's either: In manchester which is miles away, on a sunday night, on a school night (I can't just skive school because I can't get to the train station unless my parents drive me!), down south somewhere or an 18+ show. I don't even have any metalhead friends. I'll have to wait until university before I even get to go to a gig or find another metalhead. Yes I remember looking at a cannibal corpse video a while back and I thought it was terrible and now it is one of my favourite songs! I don't think my taste of music will change much. I like classical music and other genres too. I think I appreciate music for it's complexity and meaning more than anything else. I listen to classical music and brutal death because they push the boundaries. Contrary to popular belief the two genres have a lot in common. The only things I will really grow out of are my band shirts! I don't think I will be a size small for ever. My parents and everyone at school think "it's just a phase". But they don't know shit! I can see myself branching out into different genres of music though. Certainly my passion for good music wont fade. I have been getting into more tame forms of music recently like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOC4wlwzdeM

@Fagus Haha. I would have never have thought to call someone a salamander anyway so that's cool. Fagus my man... you underestimate me but I can understand why you would think I listen to nu metal and metalcore. I began with nu metal and metalcore and that kind of stuff. My first metalcore song that I listened to ever was by bring me the horizon. Insomnium fucking RULES! I've got their winter's gate CD. Never heard of those two death bands you mentioned. Checked them out and these guys sound more melodeath than pure death. Really cool though. My favourite subgenre is death metal. I like melodic death, technical death and brutal death. I like a bit of stuff outside death metal too. My favourite band is The Black Dahlia Murder and other bands I like are: Death, Be'Lakor, Insomnium, Skeletonwitch, Psycroptic, Immolation, Sylosis, Vektor, In Flames, Cannibal Corpse, Fallujah, Suffocation, Gorguts and many more! Right now I'm listening to Rivers Of Nihil. I also like a bit of stuff outside of metal- various offshoots of hardcore like mathcore and posthardcore. bands like, Converge, Hail The Sun, The Fall Of Troy. I'm the only metalhead in my school. But yea metal for me, looking back, was a lot about the escape into the fantasy. If you like melodeath you need to hear this shit. I realised that people have egos and they will push them on other people to feel big. I don't want to or need to be that kind of person.

Detox day: 64 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1 Woke up at: 7:30 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up later than usual but I got shit done just fineMy mood has been stable as of late and my social anxiety is goneMy productivity has dropped and I struggled to get any homework done tonightHad a short conversation with an old steam friend. He doesn't really understand why I quit.Tasks and Achievements: RunningCold showerWhat I am grateful for: MetalWhat I have learnt from today: I need to get back on track. I haven't done german in ages and I have just been goofing off in my free time.About tomorrow: Get up at 6:30Do project workStudyingWhen you get home do some art or something

@Reloaded Day 3 seems like yesterday for me! Thanks for the advice. I have been getting on quite well at school recently @WorkInProgress I run twice a week because school requires me to do sport and I do running. I don't do any in the holidays.