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notKosmic

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Posts posted by notKosmic

  1. Day 31

    Gratitude is life-changing!

    Part of me is slipping back into old ways again.  The desires are still there simmering under the surface.  

    *Once a man visited a tribe in Papau New Guinea.  The chief of the tribe was a man at peace.  He led his people with kindness and handled matters with wisdom.  The visitor of the tribe asked him how he was able to do it.  The chief sat him down and told him this parable: "There are two dogs in my life, a black one and a white one.  The white one represents the man I want to become, and the black one represents who I once was.  These dogs are always fighting one another.  I used to let them fight too much.  Now, I have found the secret to this struggle.  I merely feed the white one and starve the black one."

    Thankful for:
    1. Starving the bad dog.  I fed him a little today though... grrr...
    2. Feeding the other dog. Building good habits.
    3. Conflicts being resolved... or in process at work.
    4. Hearing my daughters' voices as they play.
    5. Hearing the cry of my son grow louder and stronger.

  2. Day 29

    I was watching some dumb Youtube hands of poker for about 20 minutes.  Need to stop that.  Yikes.  Sucks you right in!

    Thankful for:
    1. seeing old friends.
    2. my wife caring about our future and getting to talk to her about it
    3. Being alive and more aware of things going on
    4. Cold showers!
    5. Want to make it the 90 days!

  3. Day 28

    Four weeks in!  No Hearthstone, Youtube videos on gaming, or streamers watched!  This is a good place to be.  It does get easier and easier as time goes.  I may hit a wall at some point but it is good to be focusing on what matters in life!

  4. Day 27

    Sleep deprivation. 

    I'm looking into pursuing more education in engineering. Time to hit the math books. This path will take more time but will pay dividends in the long term compared to teaching. In not feeling the teaching idea.

  5. Day 24

    A Hearthstone ad came up on my facebook feed.  Your first question would be right... why are you scrolling through Facebook, anyway?  Now, maybe you weren't thinking that at all.  So anyway, I looked at it for a few seconds.  Then, I looked at the comments for a sec.  Then, "hide!"  "Offensive to me"... yup!  So, I shouldn't see more of those anytime soon!

    Good-bye, Hearthstone!  I had more fun playing in-person card games like Magic the Gathering when I was in middle school.  Stop tempting me to relive my "good ole' days."  They weren't that good anyway.  Who is happy in middle school?  No one!

    Oh yeah, somewhere it popped up yesterday that Hearthstone has a patch coming up.  Yup, not gonna play then either.  I will not retry the game when they "balance" it more.  

    Sorry, I had to vent about seeing those triggers!

    Thankful for:
    1. Saying "no" to triggers.
    2. This forum.
    3. Scrolling through Youtube after a hard morning and seeing a Cam video and going here to journal instead.
    4. Those little daily decisions that change you into who you want to be.
    5. Becoming more resilient.

  6. Day 23

    A beautiful morning, cool and clear. 
    Children still sleeping, "Dailies" real.
    Video games sold, forgotten for good,
    I'm livin' real life, as one always should (or "could").

    Thankful for:
    1. Reading Experiment in Criticism this morning.  
    2. My daughters snuggling up to me while I was reading on the couch.
    3. My oldest daughter trying to find words she can read.
    4. Wife sleeping in with little boy in her arms.
    5. Facing the day by winning the morning. 

  7. Day 22

    Thanks , Cam!  

    Today, I'm wondering if I should pursue Special Education or Music Education.  Tough choice.  I want to teach in the school out in our community.  

    Pros for Special Ed.
    *Will always be able to find a job.  There is a huge shortfall of qualified teachers.  And, the US government makes it mandatory to have them and pays for them to be there.
    *Can help some of the people and children that many others sometimes don't want to help.  Each person is worthy of excellence, respect, and love.  I find this the most important reason to do this.
    *I will be able to best provide for my family.  Special Ed. teachers are compensated well for all of the work they do.

    Cons for ""
    *Will take some time to prepare for this.
    *Difficult job, lots of paperwork, much patience needed.

    Pros for Music Ed.
    *Enjoyable!  
    *I love music and get to see children grow as musicians and make music together.

    Cons for ""
    *May not be able to find a job!  Music is cut quite often in school districts with lack of income for other thigns.
    *Not paid as well!
    *May have to build an entire program from nothing.  May have to travel from elementary to middle school and juggle every child in the school.



    Both will need more schooling.  Both will be challenging.  While doing this I will also be working another job too to transition...
    Tough decision.

    Thankful for:
    1. opportunity.
    2. It is possible to do this.
    3. for my family.
    4. wisdom.
    5. Finding more of my purpose.
     

  8. Day 21

    Three weeks in!  Tired start today!  Only got 5-6 hours of sleep and woke up around 5am and couldn't keep sleeping.  I finished reading a book, Run with Horses.  It will definitely be one I go back to and read again throughout my life.  I'm just pretty pumped that I actually finished a book!  I haven't done that for a while.  Don't get me wrong... I would read sometimes... when I felt "motivated."  But, that would only last really a day or two.  I would read 50 or 60 pages into a book and put it down... back to gaming or whatever dumb distraction was in my way.

    My next read that I started this morning is by CS Lewis, An Experiment in Criticism.  One of the masters of writing thinks through the way we read... this should be good!

    Thankful for:
    1. Getting some sleep
    2. The rain bouncing off my roof right now... we don't get much of this in AZ!
    3. Finishing a book and wanting to read another... reading is transformative!  It is an amazing experience!  Nothing online really can come close, right?!
    4. Seeing my wife caring for our newborn... keep falling in love with her more and more.
    5. Growing more resilient.

  9. Day 20

    Great day so far!  I've gotten a lot accomplished, and work is feeling like a complete drag as I pass the time doing tasks until I can go home and "relax" (play video games).  

    Thankful:
    1. Good conversation this morning with Rick about life and personal transformation.
    2. Good walk this morning.
    3. Get to take my daughter to violin lessons.
    4. Church folks giving us tasty dinners since we had a baby.
    5. Funding coming in for community Thanksgiving Dinner and potentially for a holiday meal for the local school district staff.
    6. Life change!

  10. Day 19

    I had a tough but a good day.  I didn't get my "dailies" done in the morning.  I spent the morning installing a new dishwasher and removing our old one since the delivery guy showed up earlier than I expected.  It took an embarrassing amount  of time for me to do that but I saved $100... hah!  I was pretty frustrated a few times there.  But, one of my goals is to start DIY... so did it.  Feeling good now that it is in there and working.

    I'm working on my daily habits tonight.  

    Thankful:
    1. Great men's group tonight at church.  Thankful for that group and how they help one another and others in need.
    2. Thankful for opportunity when others are only seeing doom.
    3. Thankful for my little baby boy getting good sleep today.
    4. For our new dishwasher!
    5. For hitting the "dailies" instead of playing the games.

  11. Day 18

    I'm exhausted!  I got one or two hours of sleep last night tops.   I woke up to feed the baby, and then my mind was racing and I couldn't get back to sleep.

    I did think of another career route that may be helpful.  Pretty stoked about it.  But, tired!  Hoping for more rest tonight!

    Thankful for:
    1. Sleep!
    2. When the baby sleeps.
    3. When mommy sleeps.
    4. When my daughters sleep.
    5. When I get to sleep!

    Resilience: Thanks for the suggestion, Cam!  When I go walking in the mornings, I'm listening to it on Audible.  
    (I am currently reading Running with Horses by Eugene Peterson.  It is about the life of Jeremiah who had a "losing season" for 40 years but continued to mature as a man and remain true to the end.  The title of the book comes from chapter 12 in Jeremiah when he is complaining about all of the stuff going on around him.  God answers him in his prayer by saying, "If men tire you out, how will you run with (or compete with) horses."  This image comes to mind when people or circumstances are tiring me out.  Good book so far.  If you ever want to try a "Christian" author out, I would recommend Eugene Peterson.  He is widely, I mean widely, read.  He quotes literature and various things constantly.  Very good writing.  Helpful.) 



     

  12. Day 17

    I just got off vacation and went back to work today.  Like no other time as right now do I feel the desire to watch some Youtube or play a game.  "Hey, I earned it!"  

    I am choosing to take a nap and work on my good habits instead.  I don't really feel like it, but feelings aren't going to control me and my habits and form my identity anymore.

    In the book Resilience, the author says we usually justify our actions through our feelings:
    Feelings--->Actions--->Identity.  When we aren't feeling "awesome" people usually care a bit about that... they ask, "How are you feeling?"  But, it is the wrong question.  Our feelings shouldn't govern our life and control everything.  They are important, but they aren't everything.

    Instead, Identity---->Actions----->Feelings .  I'm still governed so much by how I feel.  It is easy to live like this and make excuses constantly.  Instead, I want to be a man of integrity, honor, respect, and a leader.  I want to serve my family and community with humility, grace, and excellence.  So, my identity as a man will spur my actions and then my feelings will eventually change as I transform into a different kind of man--not controlled by feelings, formless, void, just ready for the hardest impression to form me into whoever something else wants me to be--but controlled intead by calling, purpose, and identity.  Fully human.