Pierce

Day 1 So far so good. Not too much studying got done; I did, however, finally give away my Steam account, so that won't be a future temptation. Focus is my friend. It's focus that will keep my away from the distractions that form bad habits. Part of the first chapter of Self-Directed Behavior speaks of how all habits have three components: an antecedent, a behavior, and a consequence. In this scenario the antecedent is boredom/pain, the behavior is seeking out a distraction, and the consequence is alleviating said boredom/pain. To change this habit I must change one of the three components. The consequence of this triad results in pretty bad long-term results. That's something worth paying attention to. How I change I change it is a different question, but I hope I'll find more answers as I progress through the book.

Very good points Cam, and I've heard those from a lot of great sources. Many of my good habits have fallen apart this semester, and now that finals week is dying down it's time to put what you suggested and many others into place. In fact, on that note, I want to do this detox right. I made it over 90 days without video games: I haven't played any since I've started this journal last August. That's great, and I'm genuinely pleased with that. With that said, I still have gaming related videos in my life and still procrastinate from doing my work, which has similar affects to gaming without the enjoyment. The stage I'm at is a definite improvement, and I'm in a much better position to quit completely, but I want to see the deed through. This means that I'm going to start my daily count over every time I go on YouTube, to make sure that I do this right, making tomorrow Day 1 again. I plan on success, because I know that the risks are small (just a little bit of pain) and rewards are large: achieving my life-time goals. So what's going to enable me to succeed this time? All of you for one thing, after all you're the reason I'm still off of gaming. It's been embarrassing to come back here and report my failures, and starting over is even more embarrassing. I don't want to let myself down and I don't want to let all of you down either. I use those emotions as motivation to stay the course. Secondly, I plan on being much better about sticking with my schedule on Habitica. Earlier this semester that website in conjunction with Google Calendar had been keeping my life together, but I somehow fell off of that habit and the rest with it (it was definitely a linchpin of many habits). Thirdly, over Winter break I plan on reading and finishing Self-Directed Behavior. Self-Directed Behavior is a book I saw while working at a bookstore during part of my break two summers ago. I saw the price tag of over $100 for a small, novel-sized book and couldn't believe my eyes (they jacked up the price because it was a required text-book for some obscure honors class). As I started reading it, I thought to myself, even though the price of this book is ridiculous compared to that of any other book, the price compared to the wisdom contained within is a steal. I went on Amazon, found a used copy that was two editions earlier and got it for.... $0.99 (this should say something about the textbook industry). Ironically, after all of the work to get it, I still haven't gotten much farther than the first chapter. It has so much useful advice in it that I find it difficult to apply even the beginning points. By breaking it down into chunks I'll have a chance to apply it's knowledge and (hopefully) master it. In hoc singo vinces - In this sign you will conquer.

@WorkInProgress @Tatu92 I appreciate the support guys. Day 16 Yesterday was a disaster, with my unstructured day leading into unproductivity. Today was better, since I had plenty to do with it being finals week, but there's still much I want to get done. My plan is to schedule out my day tomorrow morning so I will have self-imposed deadlines to meet, but I won't make them so strict that I'll burn out and give up. We'll see how it goes.

Day 15 I was competing all day, and it was great. Again, as I said yesterday it was bittersweet, but much more sweet than bitter. I'll miss the friends I'm leaving behind and the unique ballroom experience that I have been a part of for the past year. I'm excited about the new friends and new chapter of my life. I can also cross off my bucket list that I have successfully competed in Viennese Waltz, which is a goal I didn't I would complete in my college career due to the dance's complexity. Reflecting back, this whole chapter of my life has taught me not only that the best things in life come from when we stretch out of our comfort zone, but also that one of our greatest assets is when we reach out and connect with others. Being emotionally independent and resilient is essential, but equally essential is the ability to be proactive in having positive interactions with others, and in learning to trust them. You'll get hurt quite a few times, but more often than not you'll meet people that have something valuable to share with you and you with them. That's why I really appreciate this website being here. I'm glad to just be able to post my struggles with video games and the internet in a place of like-minded individuals. Among you all I believe I can make it; I can quit gaming for good.

Day 14 Tomorrow I have a ballroom competition, and I was practicing most of today with my partners for it. This will be my last competition for a long time, because I will be leaving the ballroom club after it due to some interpersonal conflicts that came up and were unable to resolved. I don't want to detail this complicated story here, but it's a bittersweet pill. Bitter because I'll be leaving many people behind, and I'll be leaving an activity I love. Friendships that don't transcend an activity or belief are to be treated as especially fleeting, but it is sad to see them go. There's a Latin dancing club forming next semester, so it is likely a growing experience that I am moving on from what I am comfortable on to that, but I will miss the ballroom experience almost as much as the people. On the sweet side, I made many "deep" friendships there that will come with me; in fact, this situation has made those friendships stronger. I also was given a chance to grow in both my personal integrity and in my ability to face adversity, and ultimately to be vulnerable with others when I needed support. I bring this up, because the emotional wear and tear has had a similar effect as the wear and tear that school has brought: a weakening of my guard. I medicate through video games, and as I've been able to stay off video games over the past half year I've now been medicating myself with the internet. It's a good way to turn off my brain and not have to deal with my problems. There's a major flaw in that logic: my problems remain; it's the cowards way out. Embracing reality is the problem that I see most people struggle with the most, myself included, but I can't think of a better thing to pursue.

@Cam Adair Will do . @WorkInProgress Agreed, but provisionally. The theoretical gives some of the greatest tools to accomplish goals in the future, once they have been learned of and integrated as Cam said above. Still, you are right in that leaves me wide open to the things that need to get done in the here and now. Day 13 In the here and now I plan on being more consistent in meditation. An insubstantial statement, as in the past, meditation has been one of the first things to go whenever I have had a busy day, but it is something I've been working on. I also have been cutting down my social obligations so that I still am able to keep in touch with people, but now have more time to get work done. Thirdly, I have been increasing my capacity to do tasks that I don't "feel" like doing (slowly, albeit). Fourthly, I've been replacing time in front of a computer screen with time spent reading books. Lastly, I'm excited to get back into a sleep schedule soon (next week is finals), because I've been keeping this journals so short due to doing them while I am half asleep, having chosen to stay up on hour late consistently.

Day 12 I can empathize with those seemingly alien creatures on our planet that live without sense of sound, smell, or sight. Are we not the same within? When it comes to our introspections we must delve into a world where our five sense no longer serve us. There are only thoughts, emotions, and the bubblings of our subconscious in the midst of those two. In this time when I seek out weakness within myself that I may root it our, my inner senses are queued to things that they once missed. Fleeting pleasures do not satisfy, only mask the temporary pain. Why flinch from the pain? I once heard Alan Watts speak of one Buddhist teaching on pain: the best way to overcome the pain of standing near a furnace is to walk inside of it and sit at its hottest point. Embracing the horror defangs it, only to reveal the truest of friends. For pain will not hide hard truths from you, will not coddle you, and will not abandon you. Pain has the wisdom of a teacher, the strength of a fighter, and the allure of a lover. If you embrace the pain of doing hard work, there is a worthy prize for you that few receive. I still falter, but I do not falter blindly. I had two exams and a lab report today, and more to come next week. This has not been my finest semester, but by all that is good there will be a day where I can be proud of my work. I learn, and in learning I believe that I will soon become the person that CAN excel and CAN overcome.

Day 11 I watched YouTube again. In the moments today where I chose to do so, I made a conscious choice to be a coward and avoid my lab report. I chose to be comfortable in weakness, rather than embrace the edifying nature of strength. Conplecto apserum. I embrace adversity. I'm going to knock a large chunk of that report out in the half hour I have before I go to bed. One more thing: I'm starting to find out that I have friends in my life that actually have my back. I'm not used to this. I may write more on this another time, but I take this as all the reason more to fight harder. "The most important thing is this: to be able at any moment - to sacrifice what you are, for what you will become." - Eric Thomas

@Tatu92 Anytime my friend; quotes are my greatest ally, and I hope they serve you well. I'm looking forward to seeing some of your own sometime. @Cam Adair Well said. You're right, I didn't consider it in that light. It goes with the scaffolding technique: progressively setting higher and higher goals, not easing up the tension as your skills improve. From the perspective you have shown, there has been tremendous progress over the past few years. I appreciate the insight a lot, and I'll try to keep that in sight during dark times. Day 10 Speaking of tension, today was one of the tougher days, but I am grateful for it. I messed up, I went on youtube and watched gaming related videos. I would usually advocate starting over at this point, but I don't know if that would necessarily be productive. I quickly got back on track, and didn't let hedonia set in for too long. The root of the problem that triggered my momentary lapse had to do with it being the week before exams, and a lot of emotional turmoil with friends. I have an interesting point on this matter. It's from a post in the Art of Manliness blog, on the subject of Fragility, Resilience, and Antifragility. To be fragile is to break with volatility, but it's opposite is not Resilience, to to be unchanged by volatility, as most would think. The author of the article argues that the opposite of fragility is to grow stronger in the midst of volatility, to be Antifragile. I seek to be antifragile, to actively pursue that which makes me stronger. Conplecto asperum. I embrace adversity.

^ Indeed, and that's not even the most famous quote from the book. Just for you @tirEdOrange : “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” -Dune Day 9 It's best to follow valleys with a peak, as is the nature of life. I am at my weakest on the weekend (weak-end); the lack of structure and disciplined habit exploits my vices (I have some plans for that, so we'll see how that goes next weak-end, or hopefully, strong-end). Now that I have the structure of the week things are picking up again. I have a guess at why whole days plans fall apart at the slightest lapse of discipline: hedonia. That is an apt name for the love of pleasure that overcomes me, and my body craves it like a drug more and more when I when I give it a taste. It is very hard to break from this cycle, because (I hypothesize) my subconscious mind now believes that pleasure is what I really want, deep down. One might ask, why is this good news? It's not. The good news is that hedonia has a sister, euthymia. Euthymia is the greek word for contentedness; to be at peace with one's situation and possessions. If I choose to replace my hedonia with euthymia, or not go to hedonia in the first place, I am at peace with whatever work I must do. The problem is that euthymia is hard to attain, and even harder to remember about in the mental haze we find ourselves in throughout the day. This state is reached by mental grounding: calming oneself, entering into a state of mindfulness (i.e. the rudiments of flow), and must be maintained continually. The siren's call of hedonia will lash out at you, and will gain in strength as you deplete your willpower (though it is my belief that your willpower lasts much longer in this state than if one were to grit his teeth and try to overtly fight against the temptation). I was able to get a few important tasks done today through these techniques. More to come tomorrow. And just for kicks and giggles: "It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion."

Thanks Cam. I don't know about that personally though; I feel that I have more tough days than good ones as far as going towards my dreams, and my journals here will confirm that. What keeps me going is the hope that something will one day "click" and then I'll know how to get my work done. Day 8 We don't sign up for life, and when we're here we aren't given many instructions. I feel so fortunate to have stumbled upon others that have taught me that I don't have to follow society's rules, and that I am free to follow my own heart; the problem is that I am a slave in my body even if my mind is free. I have so many dreams and personal ambitions, and I even know many of the steps on how to get there and develop myself into the person I want to become, but I feel that I don't have the power to do so even if I do have the will. It's not that I don't try, I try every day, but I fail every day as well. The harder I try the harder my mind rebels. Letting go works better, but I still don't get much done. I wish I had the value of discipline instilled in me earlier in life, but one would think that I would be able to develop it now with how much I want it. It makes me wonder, do I just think I want it that bad, but part of me doesn't? I would like to say I would give one of my eyes to have mastery over my mind and body, just as Odin is told to have done for wisdom, but my actions show this is not true. I guess I'll need to keep that visual in perspective when I feel that I'm slipping to see if that helps. The best summary of how I feel is from a quotation from Dune, "Even as she spoke, Jessica laughed inwardly at the pride behind her words. What was it St. Augustine said? she asked herself. "The mind commands the body and it obeys. The mind orders itself and meets resistance." Yes - I am meeting more resistance lately. I could use a quiet retreat by myself." Maybe that's the key: mentally preparing myself before partaking in a task. I do a lot of introspection, but how weak I am at meditation should hint at the fact that a different type of inward retreat is required. This one does not involve great mental exertion, but rather, letting the mind become one with the body to enter a state of flow towards a task. Flow- how I have mixed feelings about you. You are my salvation, and yet I hate you because you constantly elude me. You are the golden snitch that I will catch yet and win this game.

Day 7 I'm exhausted, so I won't say too much, but I'm glad to have made it a week. I've started reading Frank Herbert's Dune which has been a good replacement for the internet. Also, I've been having difficulties sticking to the schedule I make for myself each morning, so I'll see if I can be more steadfast about that tomorrow.

@tirEdOrange I don't think there's been a time where I haven't been encouraged by your posts, and am very grateful for them, as I am with @Cam Adair and @WorkInProgress' and everyone else who has taken the time to post here. Also, I never got to formally congratulate you, but I read your journal and great job in making it all 90 days! I'm excited to see where this new stage in your life takes you. As for my hiatus, I wanted to take some time to make sure I'm actually making progress towards completely getting the roots of gaming out of my system, and that has been taking the form of videos over the past half year. Once again, in the words of Andrew Ryan from Bioshock (I love the irony of quoting games here), "Men choose, slaves obey," and I am tired of being a slave. Also, you are entirely right that simple, mundane hard-work is one of the most important keys to success. Lacking that is probably my greatest character flaw (one of them at least), and I want to gain it at all costs. Thanks again for the kindness, and I will try to take a peak at your video sometime if you are able to send it (on a Sunday so I can keep with my goals, haha). Day 6 I'm going to head out to meet some friends soon, so I'll keep this short for today. I'm actually starting to get the gist of this hard-work thing. It's all about putting it at the fore-front of your mind. Instead of sneaking away to distractions (phones, computers, people, etc) in my free time, I should sneak away to work. Even if I have five minutes, there some studying to be done or other work that can push me towards my goals. If I can consistently apply this, I will be a force of nature, if I do not, this knowledge means little for me. Only my future posts will tell .

Day 5 Finding a balance between scheduled time and unscheduled time can be difficult. Scheduled time is when work gets done, but unscheduled time is when I can recharge and have my most creative ideas. The simple answer is to have large chunks of scheduled time with small breaks of unscheduled time in between. This would be great, but in these large chunks I easily get distracted and end up in a worse position than if the time were unscheduled. I need to work on breaking tasks into smaller chunks, which has been a problem of mine for the past few years. Maybe I can try putting a goal down for each Pomodoro. As for staying off YouTube, easier said than done. I haven't watched any videos, but I've been tempted to quite a few times. It's mainly during those long stretches as I said above. I start off strong, but lose steam surprisingly fast, usually as soon as 15 minutes in. I feel as if I'm training for a 5k, but keep on getting tired after running a few feet in my training. If its this difficult to even train, I can only imagine how prepared I'll be for the race. I'm not discouraged, as getting back up after falling down seems to be my greatest talent (I've had a lot of practice), but I know there's a better way out there; I may even know it already, it's just the implementation that's choppy. Maybe a better metaphor is weight lifting. I've been training my legs a lot, but then get surprised when that effort doesn't help me when I try to bench press a heavy weight. I've been working on lots of skills, but few of my skills have been focusing on concentration. Even my meditation is scattered. It seems that I haven't overcome my childhood ADD. I can't think of what more to do than to keep up my daily meditation schedule and try to practice mindfulness throughout the day. I need to calm down my monkey mind. In the midst of all of that, I am happy. I've set out to live more productively and authentically, and have accumulated a lot of knowledge towards the former while having great gains in the latter. I've been more successful in shutting out the outside voices, allowing me to become my own person.

@Cam Adair You're definitely on to something, thanks. I think I can see the purpose in that: developing discipline and seeing the project through; I hope to try that out soon. Day 4 One thought I had today came from a productivity guru named Sid Savara. He had a post on the horizons of productivity. The first horizon is being stuck in yesterday, meaning that you are always playing catch up. The second horizon is getting the work done for the day, but only for that day. Subsequent horizons involve preparing for the future. I find myself frequently stuck in the first horizon, which he highly warns against, because of my tendency to get distracted and put important work off. At this point just getting to the second horizon would be fantastic. In fact, I have a lot of habits in place that will cover the preparation needed for the distant future, so long as I can do the days work. I've had a love-hate relationship with the Pomodoro technique over the past year, but I do think it works if there is a sense of urgency. By pairing this tactic with Parkinson's Law (the time it takes to complete a task will expand to the time you allot for it), giving realistic, stringent, and self-imposed deadlines I hope to see results. Anyway, I better get some sleep now, as my willpower is getting lower the more tired I get. "Vitanda est improba siren desidia" - One must avoid that wicked temptress, laziness - Horace.

@WorkInProgress Thanks! And I've heard that before about Cortez. I've found that myths frequently prove just as effective as real stories. I don't know what that says about human nature, but there's probably something there. Day 3 Outlook is definitely the key. I was able to better direct my moods today. One thing that is very frustrating, is that I find it difficult to put effort forth in subjects I don't see value in. I know that this is frequently an erroneous view, because we usually find that these subjects are incredibly valuable later in life. For example, I wish I had put forth more effort into my math and science courses in high school, because I can see now that my effort would have paid off two-fold (then and now). It's hard for me to see that in this case, but maybe I simply lack perspective. In Organic Chemistry II we've been learning all kinds of obscure mechanisms for organic molecular reactions. The first semester of this class was very useful, giving me a great overview of the subject, but now the level of detail we're going into I can only see as useful if I wanted to go into research as a chemist. This has led me to not put forth much of any effort in the class all semester, which means I'll likely have to retake it. I like a challenge (even though I dislike the poor work ethic on my part), so if I retake it I'll need to learn how to turn it into a game if I can't find the value in it. It's good to be held accountable by this task, rather than being able to just coast by. I also find it funny that the mind tries to find a new way to distract to distract itself. Instead of videos I now spend a lot of time doing research on whatever subject crosses my mind. I feel like each detox is peeling a layer off of the onion that is the human ego. I know that I want to peel the next few layers off so that I am no longer mindlessly following its whims, and am able to observe what is really going on. The question that I don't have an answer to is whether there is ever a time where the layers run out, but that's a subject for another day. For now I will be content with calming the mind enough to to get work done. I seek out being at flow, in a time where my mind is addicted to stimulation. My hope is that meditation will help. It's good to be alive and growing stronger.

@Tatu92 I appreciate your kind words. The fancy words and quotations are my best attempt at trying to describe the strange nature of reality, and even with them I feel like I'm a blind man trying to describe an elephant by touch. Day 2 It feels so weird starting over again. The pain of still being here when I wanted to kick this habit five years ago comes more from embarrassment and regret than from the actual pain of struggle against the habit itself. The pain is unnecessary though; if I can redirect my thoughts towards inner strength and the future, I have already won. If the enemy is within and the enemy is, in essence, my very own thoughts, I can catch them and convert them to become my ally. The key is in recognizing the down-hill slide in the first place. The question I have now is, can I learn to use this technique for school? If I can redirect my thoughts towards the importance of studying, I'm set. I had my second experience shadowing a doctor today, and my aspirations for that career have only increased. I don't have a background that prepared me well for this path, I don't have the resume experiences, and I don't have the grades, but I know that I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it because I don't see failure as an option. I will prepare myself, get the experiences, and build the right habits to change my grades. I've mentally established Cortes' sinking of the ships. If I cannot muster the courage, discipline, and aptitude to get into medical school, then I can't move on in life; my only choice is to succeed. This is my rite of passage, and I have chosen it because it makes me stronger just for trying. I don't think I would have made quitting my addiction to electronics such a high priority if it weren't for the fact that I have chosen this path. As long as I am growing stronger, I am at peace with my journey. I'm excited to see what new obstacles and learning opportunities tomorrow brings.

@WorkInProgress Thanks for the advice. I agree for the most part, but I believe that if I have very specific protocols I should still be able to keep to my commitment. I do agree that there's a large room for error, but I want to make sustainable goals, and I believe that I have set up the path to do just that. I'll definitely keep your views in mind in case I need a more rigid framework. @Cam Adair Thanks! Also, I recently read Man's Search for Meaning as per your recommendation in your video on life purpose. I received a lot of perspective from his life experiences, and especially liked his advice later in the book to look on life as if you are reliving it. He suggested that in this mode of thinking one should try to predict and avoid the mistakes this time around that you likely made in your previous life. It takes the regret away from life and brings back the adventure. Day 1 "Man looks in the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss." -Hal Holbrook (from Wall Street) I woke up early for the first time all week and really contemplated my life. There's been quite a bit of emotional turmoil recently, but for one of the first times recently I was able to find lasting inner peace during that time. I have life goals, personal attributes, and dreams for the world that I wish to bring about, and they all seem equally far from my grasp; I know I can reach them if I'm willing to stretch just a little bit farther every day. The main event of the day was going out hiking with some of my friends. It was good to see all of them again, and it was good to be around people where I could be myself without fear of rejection. That's a major theme for this specific stage of my life: living authentically. According to the psychoanalytic stages (which I do take with a giant grain of salt) I am in the intimacy vs. isolation stage of my life, meaning that this is the junction as I enter into young adulthood where I find my place among my peers. Having very different goals and interests than most people around me, it's been easy to fall into isolation. This is why I self-medicated with video games in the past. It let me put my problems on hold. The same goes for youtube or any other distraction. This is why it is so vital that I remain authentic and don't fear rejection in my friendships. Today was a great step in that direction. As for my detox: it's been a good start. I've been reading, thinking, and playing guitar instead of wasting time on the internet. Over the past few years I've learned that those activities are what I would like to do most when I have free time, but the problem arises when I am presented with work that I do not want to do. Tomorrow I'll need to do some studying, and that's where the real test arises.

It's been 103 days since I have played video games. Personally, this is not a reason to celebrate, because this barely meets the minimum standard of what I set out to do. I set out to stop using electronics as my crutch from doing hard work. The vast majority of the days since I began this journey I have watched videos on gaming or other distractions instead of doing my school work. My academic performance has still suffered greatly on account of this. To use an analogy, quitting smoking (video games) has proven easy, but it has been hard for me to go even minutes sometimes without the nicotine patch (YouTube). It's been almost a month since my last post, because I wanted to start my detox over when I at least had some momentum going against wasting time on the internet. I see now that my best hope is to jump in head first. Over the past few years I've been scouring the internet and books for advice on productivity and self-discipline. I've found a lot of great wisdom on these subjects, but I still lack self-discipline in so many areas of my life. The best advice I've found so far is from a guy named Byron Davis who says that discipline comes from, "Caring more normal and more than necessary about the result." He believes that the root of lapsed discipline is when we let ourselves off the hook and no longer care on that level. Don't get me wrong, it was hard to not play video games, especially since this last week I was on break, but I was able to care more than normal and more than necessary about keeping my streak going. I need the same kind of attitude towards my habits on the internet. I'll lay out my plans for this detox now. Starting tomorrow I want to go on a 90 day no video (unless it's school related) detox. To replace videos I will read, meditate, or play guitar. Here are my priorities: 1. Detox- no videos of any kind, unless academically related, during the week. On Sundays I can watch self-help videos and look up guitar tutorials. 2. School- classes and volunteer related activities. 3. Health- getting enough sleep, meditating daily, lifting weights, and avoiding sugary food (some of these are more important than school in my book, like sleep, but most of the habits that need to be developed here are less important). 4. Personal learning- self-chosen books, self-help videos, and learning other skills like guitar. 5. Social life- I want to keep in touch with friends, but compared to my first three priorities, this is far less important in this stage in my life. 6. Everything else. I've quit video games for over 90 days twice before, but this is something I've never done. It seems quite daunting, but just by writing it all out I already feel a lot more hopeful. I care more than normal and more than necessary about breaking free from my addiction to electronics.

Day 57 and 58 Been a little while since I've been on here. The tests on Tuesday went ok, and I definitely studied hard for them the past couple of days before, but I still haven't set up the system of studying a week in advance that I've been wanting to do for the longest time. I predict pretty mediocre grades on both, but I'll still be in a decent position in both classes. My cell bio test on Wednesday is a completely different situation. The questions on there were much more specific than I predicted, and I know this is likely an excuse, but I don't remember my teacher putting a lot of weight on those points in class (for example, I knew how RNA Transcription and Translation worked, but I had no idea about many of the support proteins that were involved). I don't know if I'll be able to pass that class my first time around, and it may be the first class I get less than a C in, which is sad because I very much enjoy both it and the professor. School is strange in that way, and I honestly don't understand it. I've been trying to get better at science and math since middle school, trying to build the will to not procrastinate since high school, and have been trying to learn how to buckle down and study since freshman year of college. I know I used the word "try" and not "do", which is my problem, but replacing the two is a lot easier said than done. I was so beaten down by the test that I went out and got a cheese quesadilla with fries and a soda (I usually eat very healthy and drink almost solely water), pulled out my laptop, and watched a gameplay movie of Metal Gear Solid 3 for the rest of the day. It's for this reason that I'm not counting yesterday, though for feeling that beaten down I did still get a few things done like going to the gym and preparing my schedule for today. Today I procrastinated a lot again and ended up working on a lab report during some of my other lectures. It was especially demoralizing when one of my lab partners, a guy I respect immensely, said that he was going to do his own copy of the large-scale group lab report that's due next week, even though it's my job to be the lead writer, because he doesn't completely trust me to get it done. His fears are unfounded, because I can't remember a time where I've let someone down that much, but I let myself down and everyone I want to help in the future all the time when I choose to waste time instead of getting my work done. I would say I want to change my academic performance around with every fiber of my being, but that would be untrue; my motivation is probably more like at a 7 or 8, depending on the day. I CAN honestly say that my will is a 10 for wanting to make my motivation a 10. Yes, I'm aware that motivation is a shallow system, so I'm likely using the wrong word. Whatever word defines the will to take positive action, I want that more than anything else right (intellectually at least, but only my actions will show if I mean this practically). I was thinking earlier today that if there were one thing I would want to be known for, it would be the focus and discipline I apply towards my goals. This, ironically, is far from being a trait I possess. I do, however, have the tenacity to get back up again, over and over, and that is enough. It's what brought me to this site, and it's why I will eventually be able to cleave the cancerous tendrils of video games and laziness completely out of my life. "Men choose, slaves obey" and I choose to become a man who is able to work hard to achieve the worthy pursuits that lie before him. Only death of sudden calamity can prevent me from doing so.

Day 56 Through action I reach the goals I set for myself. Two tests tomorrow and one more on Wednesday, and I feel much more prepared than I was yesterday, but I still have a long way to go. As for habits, I am realizing more and more that the key to building good ones is looking at the big picture. I have a picture of what I want my life to be like 5,10, and 20 years from now, but whether that's where I end up or not, I know the key habits that I need to develop to take me there or whatever better path I find. The key now is be consistent and let my passion guide me back towards the hard path every time the winds of pain and pleasure try to blow me elsewhere.

Day 52-55 I feel so behind with these posts, but in reality it's been a good thing. Thursday night I was just plain tired, but from Friday to this evening I've been at (or in the the car driving to/from) a sea lab, as I detailed in my last post. No wifi means not being able to post on here, but it also means being away from useless distractions. It was really cool to see the invertebrates that we've been studying in class, and actually see their adaptations at work in their home environment. I also got to meet many like-minded people, and gleaned quite a few pearls of wisdom from my professor and others. The man downside of this weekend is that I'm worn out and I have a lot of catch up work to do. I got a little studying done while there, but the next barrage of tests are here. It doesn't feel right to say that tomorrow will be the day where I put my nose to the grindstone, but I think that may be my best choice. I'm not going to post tomorrow that I didn't follow through, because I've given my word now, and if I don't get it done my word is worth little.

Thanks Piotr! Day 51 I suppose one of the main discoveries I've been pondering recently is the role of consciousness in the quality of our life. We usually are at a low level of consciousness where we are running on our daily habits, only occasionally regaining enough lucidity to think about the broader picture of life. I've been hearing from a lot of books I read/videos I watch that the "goal" of life is live at progressively higher levels of consciousness, and I'm slowly finding myself agreeing with that idea. It'll be interesting to see where that path leads. Anyway, as for the more mundane things: I'm still having a lot of trouble sticking with my plans to study. I didn't waste a large chunk of time today, I just kept on getting distracted by small things. The book I'm reading right now, Take the Stairs, talks about how some of the most successful people in the world are able to achieve at the level they do and still have a balanced life because they have periods of hyper focus where they get their work done. I've known this trick for a while, but haven't been able to apply it. I think I'll be forced to apply it tomorrow, because there's a lot I need to get done. Lastly, I found out that the optional field trip to a marine biology lab my Invertebrate Zoology class is going to is this weekend, so I'm really excited about that, but it may also mean more sporadic posts for the next few days.

49 and 50 I was just in bed and almost forgot to do write this again. I won't write long, but suffice it to say, things are starting to look up. I'm validated as a volunteer at the hospital, have a potential doctor to shadow, morale is high, and I've been learning a lot more in personal growth. Lastly, even though I'm at the critical juncture before my next batch of tests, being at this point with the knowledge I have means that I still have time to study and do well on them. This is much better than looking back from the point of no return. I hope to share some of the things I've learned, both from school and from self-help, here tomorrow.

Thanks Cam. It's getting pretty tough in the arena here, but I know you know how it is. Yesterday was borderline for whether I counted it, because I didn't get too much school work done (though I did learn an advanced Rumba routine with some friends) because I kept on getting distracted on youtube. I've known this, but rarely follow it: studying in an uncomfortable place will make me less likely to get distracted. I really need to enforce that advice. As for today, I can best describe it with a conversation I had with my dad tonight. He's looking for his life purpose, and we talk about that a lot. I admitted to him that today I felt like a Pablo Neruda quote: “Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.” I caught a glimpse of myself today and felt ashamed. I love who I am and honestly believe that I will one day accomplish things that will genuinely make the world a better place; I'm not there yet though, and I can't seem to stay on the path to becoming the person will accomplish those things. Sure, I improve in many areas every day, but if I can't make myself do the work I need to I'll stall out in some of the most critical areas, namely (really almost solely) school. I'm not saying this because I'm down. I'm quite content, but that's the problem. I need to be in whatever state it is that gets me to change, whether that is unease or joy, pain or pleasure. My dad talked about how he feels like he's floating in life, and while I don't feel like I'm floating in life, I feel similar in that I'm often floating in my school work instead of actively swimming upstream in it. To use a biology example: we're just like our cell membranes in that we prefer to use passive transport over active transport. What this means is that we'd prefer to float downstream over actively swimming up it. The thing is, downstream leads towards our mediocre old habits, while upstream is where the growth is to be had. I have a picture in my room that exemplifies my point (it's in the attachments below). The warrior in this picture (Conan, if you're familiar with Robert E. Howard's stories) represents the spirit of one who chooses to master himself/herself and swims upstream towards the goal of their desire. I printed this out and put it near where I sleep to remind me to become more like that man. Lets have another go at it tomorrow.