Pierce

@destoroyah That's some deep stuff man, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It's really inspiring that you pulled through all of that and are that much stronger for it. I've been going down the rabbit hole myself lately (though I don't think nearly at the same intensity as you). It sounds like you're experience has made you a wiser person overall, and I hope the same for myself. @Csaba_Bekesi It's true, perfection can't be achieved. I'd just be happy if I could have a bit more excellence in my life. I haven't heard of death meditation, but it's piqued my interest. I have been trying to think of myself as already dead, and therefore using that as my motivation behind letting go of petty misgivings and jealousies I have of the people around me. Hey, and it sounds like you're reading is paying off. If you can't remember which author a quote is from because you've learned so many recently, that's a good problem to have. 175 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Days w/o YouTube, 3 Days Meditated I'm done with my fist batch of tests as of today. It was sad how poorly prepared I was for three out of five of them, and the other two I was still pretty subpar. I think that's one of the main reasons why I've been down lately. It's hard for a person to be satisfied with life if he can't meet some of the minimum standards he sets for himself. That is of course unless he lets go of the ego and desire. I've been trying to work on those two principles, but I often forget. I am of the void, and when I remember that all of the trivial cares fade away. They can't harm the void. I know that I am the only one that can rebuild my life. In the words of Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday, "We're in hell right now gentlemen. Believe me. And we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time." I envision it like Bruce Wayne in the Pit in The Dark Knight Rises. Got beat down to the ground again, got my hope snuffed out for a moment as I saw my dreams being destroyed, but the world doesn't know me if it thinks I'm going to take it. I'll climb out, without the rope, so that the fear of death will be with me as I go up. I climb my way out slowly, but steadily, and in the end I'll be the slow knife that makes the surest cut. I'll rebuild myself. The old is dead, and the new is to come back stronger. I may not be able to become Batman, but I'll try to get as close as I can. That'll do.

@destoroyah As my attorney, I'll take your advice very seriously. I also see a lot of existentialism in your speech. I bet there's an interesting story around how that came to be. 173 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube, 1 Days Meditated The walls fell and the monsters breached through. It's the fate of weekends and of choosing to sleep in because my body protests springing out of bed. The path of weakness. When I reach 90 days of being free from an emotional dependency to this device in front of me, I'll know I'll be getting somewhere as a free man. I never saw it before until I tried to quit, how much control these screens have over us. And now because of that I have so much studying to do, and so little time. I remember reading Seneca's On the Shortness of Life a year ago, and writing in my notes that I needed to follow his teaching of clinging to each second of life and wringing it of all its value, with the intensity of a dying man (which I am, but all to often forget). I piddle away my time on trivialities, and then wonder where it's went and why I am under prepared for the tasks at hand later. I hate that feeling. Hate is a strong word, but I use it correctly. I hate the feeling of being under prepared because I chose the easy way out rather than the hard work I needed. I feel that there are two being within. One that is lazy and hedonistic, and another that represents all that is virtuous to me. An animalistic self and a higher self. Don't get me wrong, the former is essential: he keeps me alive. It is the latter, though, that is improving and bringing me ever closer to the results I want. The feeling of being in alignment with that higher self is beyond comparison. It is the purpose of my life to live as him all the time. For he has the power and the ambition to make the world a better place, whereas I am conflicted and self-serving in my current state. Let's see how in sync with him I can be tomorrow. The path of strength.

I think you have same superpower I do: knowing how stand back up and charge the enemy again after getting your ass beat. It's grit, and grit is enough. "As long as you can still grab a breath, you fight. You breathe... keep breathing." -Hugh Glass, The Revenant

Your style of writing reminds me of William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, and I mean that as the highest compliment. Here's an excerpt from it: "Yes yes yes yes yes." Two men put him on the train. They wore mismatched coats, bulging behind over their right hip pockets. Their necks were shaved to a hairline, as though the recent and simultaneous barbers had had a chalk-line like Cash's. "Is it the pistols you're laughing at?" I said. "Why do you laugh?" I said. "Is it because you hate the sound of laughing?" Please let me know if you ever write a stream of consciousness novel so I can preorder a copy of it for myself and all of my friends. Also, it's good that you too are strengthened by the eternal nothingness. Make the best use of the molecules that happen to be called "You" right now, before they disperse and one day become "something else". And forget all of the haters from your past; you have some incredible insights specifically because you chose to be different from them. That makes you one cool dude in my book. *Cue Legend of Zelda chest opening music* +1 Follower!

172 Days w/o Gaming, 5 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated I felt much better today. There were times I was laughing with joy, because I know that I'm pulling my life back together. Part of my stress has been my poor performance in school in the past, and I'm slowly starting to do much better. I can see rays of hope. I even chose to skip going out dancing with some of my friends tonight so that I could instead catch up on my sleep and get some studying done early tomorrow. The regrets of the past are fading away as I see a brighter future come into focus. One thing I can work on is my meditation habit. I tried today and fell asleep. That's why sleep is such a priority right now. In fact, that's what I'm looking forward to doing shortly.

@destoroyah That they are. I think you're right: it's time we take them out of storage and mount them on the parapets. That should scare off the vermin that keep on trying to knock down my gate and break my streak. 171 Days w/o Gaming, 4 Days w/o YouTube, 1 Day Meditated In the vein of trying to build greater positivity, I will post about some positive things that happened today. I was able to meditate for the first time in a long time. I arrived at my Anatomy lecture a half hour early and meditated in the back. Even 20 minutes is still a very difficult goal at this point, but I know it'll get stronger with time. I also had lunch with a few friends, which happened spontaneously, and studied with one of them later. The most positive thing that happened today is surprisingly paradoxical: I told my dad that I was depressed. I'd talked to a few of my friends about it in the past, and even hinted at it occasionally with my parents, but today I talked about it outright. The reason why this is a positive thing is that it has spurred me on to take action. It really upset him, and I that serves as an even greater impetus for change. One of my favorite resources is Actualized.org, and I watched a lecture on depression there. I have to agree with the speaker: the key to being happy is being satisfied in the present moment. This means letting go of all the times I screwed up with my grades and with friends in the past, and let go of my fears for the future. It means rebuilding my life one brick at a time, and giving intense focus and care to each one. That's something I can think positively about. That's something that gives me hope. “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” – Thomas Jefferson

I've lost count of the number of times you have posted encouragement and wisdom in my journal. I'm very grateful for that. You have been a pillar in this community, and the main consolation from your leaving is that it will allow you to have more time to be a pillar to others in real life. I wish you best in your future endeavors my friend.

@hycniejsy It's a very liberating feeling when you can use your laptop and not worry about getting sidetracked. Of course that's still a rare feeling for me right now, but one day! ONE DAY I'LL GET THERE! 170 Days w/o Gaming, 3 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated I focus on the negative so often in this journal that I want to state I few things I'm grateful for. First of all, I'm grateful for having this chance to turn my life around. I never would have thought I could have gone this long without gaming. If I can do this, I know I can reach my other goals, no matter how intimidating they are. Aside from that, I've been really enjoying my classes. I wish I could say more about them, but I'm exhausted right now. Maybe some other time. Once again my main task now that I'm not wasting copious amounts, is utilizing that time better. Sure, I'm getting school work done, but I'm still behind since I'm not working efficiently enough. I'm hoping to fix that, and actually launch off my meditation streak, tomorrow (for that matter, when does tomorrow ever come? I wish it came sooner because I have an awful lot of important things that I've said will happen then).

@hycniejsy Absolutely right. I have chosen reading as my replacement hobby, as I have many years worth of books in a list I have made. If I ever have more time than that, I have a guitar that is growing dust on it. 169 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated I'm now done with my tests for this week, and have next week to prepare. The test I had today was in the evening and so I had all day to study for it. I found studying much more pleasant than I had in the past. When my computer is associated in my mind as an educational resource, rather than as an entertainment device, the process of learning becomes much more pleasurable. I'm hoping that this is the start of a new chapter in my academic career. I could definitely use that right now. As for meditation, it's unfortunate that I chose to sleep in today. I have better hopes for tomorrow.

@WorkInProgress You're right. I'll need to be on the lookout for when those times. Per your recommendation I plan on waking up early tomorrow to give me time to meditate and get a head start on my studying. It was excellent advice, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out. I think I'll also follow suit in tracking my meditation habit, since I want to make a commitment to it, just as I see you are. 168 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated I wanted to wait until I was back on track before posting. I was dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil, and wanted to have a little success to bring to the table before continuing on the journey. There's been a lot of doubt on the way I'm going coming from all sides. It took all weekend, but I've overcome it and am back to myself again.

@hycniejsy That would be good advice for some, but not for me. It would be the equivalent of setting a time limit for playing video games, and how that would end for most of the population of this site. I still do watch some videos on other sites for self-help material, but the internet is too accessible an entertainment source for anything else. I will never have the freedom I seek if I can't learn how to control myself. 164 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube There was an irony in what cast me down yesterday (and by momentum today as well). It was nearing the time I needed to go to bed, but I had been listening to the Tokyo Ghoul soundtrack throughout the day and wanted to see what it was all about. It started with the trailer, which turned into an episode, which turned into seven more. Here's the irony: the show is about a man trapped between the half of himself that is dependent on a vile addiction (cannibalism) and the half of him that wants to live in compassion and freedom. There's a ghoul in me as well. He leaves me alone most of the time, but hounds me when I'm weak. He can't be satiated, and only wants more once I give it a taste. The only way to beat him is to starve him into submission, and then to redirect his desperation into energy that I need for hard work. There's a Buddhist teaching that the best way to overcome the pain of a fire is to sit in the heart of the inferno. When one embraces his inner ghoul as a part of him, avoiding judgement while still seeing its dangers, he can become whole. It's in that complete self-honesty that one has the power to change.

I can tell from how hard you fight for your goals that you are going to succeed in the detox. It's the intensely persistent person that succeeds, and your intensity shows that you have the heart of a warrior. Your signature says it all: "Fall seven times, stand up eight."

Thinking of my goals has been a tremendous help. I have Rudyard Kipling's poem "If" as my wallpaper on my computer, which serves as a standard I'm trying to meet. Today reminded me of the middle two stanzas, "If you can dream—and not make dreams your master; If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’" 162 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube I've done a lot of things half-assed throughout my life, but this will not be one of them. I'm starting my streak over. It was just one bad day where I was weak, but one bad day can have major repercussions. I'm trying to pursue excellence when I've grown accustomed to mediocrity in so many areas. In the words of Vince Lombardi, "Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence." I am very grateful for all of the brilliant people that are around me at my school, because their talent beats the snot out of my mediocrity. It gives me an example of how much harder I have to work if I want to achieve my goals. Last month I said that I wanted to work on learning how to be happy, and I've had a lot of success. I was content with being on my own today, just doing homework or running errands. I was content because I was in alignment with myself, I was being authentic. I let go of all of my regrets from the past, and gently eased away my anxieties for the future, and in that moment I was present. I'm excited about tomorrow, and I'm excited about this new streak, because each streak has the chance of being the last one I'll ever need.

Hey Alan, I'm glad you're with us! Gymnastics sounds like a great replacement for LoL. The benefits physically and socially that will come from that will make it much easier to quit, since they're competing with an activity that doesn't really have any real-work benefits (gaming). The only other thing I would recommend is having an activity that you can do when you can't go to the gym or hang out with other people. For me, it's reading. There are lots of other ideas out there, but few are coming to mind at the moment. I'm looking forward to hearing about what benefits this journey brings to your life. Edit: After reading your introduction it looks like you've chosen reading more books as well. If you ever choose to post what you're reading here I'd enjoy hearing about it. I can also give some good recommendations if you let me know of any fiction/non-fiction genres you're interested in.

@WorkInProgress That's excellent advice! Waking up earlier means going to bed earlier, which scares me a bit, but for the most part I'm not doing anything important after dinner each night so it's worth a try. Things are a little bit crazy right now, but I hope to try it out by next weekend. @ajaski708 Thanks, I can always use the encouragement. It's all about identifying when you're mind is trying to weasel it's way out of the hard path and in finding good replacement activities. If I can do this, I wholeheartedly believe you can. You got this! 160 Days w/o Gaming, 17 Days w/o YouTube I'm catching up for yesterday as well, but I want to talk about today first so I can get the negatives out of the way. I did get distracted and watch quite a few videos today. I tried to fight it this morning, just sitting there reading (I recently started Absalom, Absalom by Faulkner). This worked for a time, until I started studying. I have such high expectations for weekends, and I know I can put them to good use once I get momentum, but I felt very worn out today. I would get on, start watching videos, then get off. I'm very tempted to reset my YouTube streak. The only reason I'm not was that I was fighting against it all day, and also resetting now might promote relapse more than seeing what happens tomorrow would. If this continues tomorrow, I'll reset it. If it doesn't, I'll consider this as just a bad day and move on. I know it comes from being a bit sleep deprived and from feeling overwhelmed with school work even though I'm only two weeks in. It seems that there's always something my mind tries to make me miserable about. Before it was the feeling of isolation. Now that I have dealt with that it is the fear of another semester of poor performance at school. Reading my own words I can see that I'm in a negative paradigm rather than a positive one, but it's difficult to change that when I don't know what to do differently, or more accurately: have trouble implementing what I do know. What keeps me going is hope for the future and a strong sense of purpose. Without them I would be royally screwed, haha. I laugh, but I genuinely do think better times are coming tomorrow. Yesterday I didn't get much work either, but I got to go out dancing with some of my friends for the first time in a long time. I was pretty rusty, but it was good to out there on the floor again. There's nothing like having a beautiful woman in your arms and putting a smile on her face. My stress melted right away while I was out there. So, what's the way forward? Enjoying each and every moment of life, embracing the challenge, and seeking greater portions of wisdom. It's the wisdom of hard work that I wish to learn in this part of my life.

As always, thanks Cam. And I think you're right, there definitely has been a lot of lost self-trust and self-esteem over the past few months. I'm going to get it all back and go further. To quote someone I deeply admire, the physicist Richard Feynman, "The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool." 158 Days w/o Gaming, 15 Days w/o YouTube Two positives and a negative to report for today. To get the bad news out of the way first: I'm still not getting even near the amount of studying I need to get done if I want to succeed this semester. It's not as if I'm distracted, as I once was, I just am not being very productive as I work. I try to study, but do it very slowly. I know more effective techniques, but for some reason my weaselly mind convinces me to use the less painful ones. I only study well when there is flow (which is rare) or if there is urgency. Urgency is hard to simulate, though. I hope for better results tomorrow. A positive is that I've been working on acting more authentically and have been succeeding. I've felt more comfortable in my own skin: happier, more outgoing, and more prone to speak my mind and act independently of the opinions of others. As for the other positive: I'm becoming more and more convinced that dissolving the ego is something worth pursuing. It would mean making daily meditation non-negotiable, which is far from what I have made it since it's been hard to find a good time for it (when I wake up isn't an option and I'm drained of willpower by the time it's night). The adventure of life never ceases to amaze.

157 Days w/o Gaming, 14 Days w/o YouTube I'm still extremely tired. School was pretty routine, and I know there's a lot of work I want to get done tomorrow and over the weekend. Good things happened today, though. The writings been on the wall for a while that I've had trust issues with friends. It took a great deal of trust just to admit that to a friend today. I told her that the lack of trust comes from a fear of them leaving, just as so many have before. I gave her my word, "I'm ready to stop being afraid and start trusting again." It's the hardest path, but it's the path of healing. I'm not going to be a victim, and I'm not going to be a coward. I choose to open myself to the world, and let that be my strength.

@Csaba_Bekesi Thanks for the insights! Any physical exhaustion would likely come from lack of sleep, though I've only been getting an hour less than I'm used to. It's more likely to be emotional, dealing with fear of another semester of pretty mediocre work, and of being isolated from my friends. You're right in pointing out that these factors are related to my detox. It's my hope that the time and freedom I gain will help me make more time for both studying and meeting with friends. It's also my hope that I'll have more mental resilience to deal with both as I detox. I'll keep your thoughts in mind. 156 Days w/o Gaming, 13 Days w/o YouTube I'm at the point where I am already a bit lost in Calculus, and feel behind in my studying for all of my other classes. It's scary this is happening so soon in the semester. I've thought of some ways to combat both of these problems, but rather that detail the nuts and bolts here I'd rather talk about something more abstract: a working definition of flow. Flow is both one of the most rapturous and most productive states a human being can be in. It is highly elusive, because our ego is constantly trying to steal our attention from the present moment. Why do we allow it to do so? Well it's easier for one thing, and it proves a quicker hit of pleasure. Flow takes practice to develop, and we often don't have much control when it kicks in. It's like someone who is inexperienced at making fires striking away at the flint; he/she doesn't know when the sparks will finally fly. It is much easier to go to a source that will give a guaranteed small amount of pleasure, and will provide sedation from the troubles of life. Our troubles pause, but so do our goals, and our lives continue to pass us by. Flow is when we feel most alive. That's the feeling I'm willing to give up so much for. I almost relapsed today, but I remembered how much I wanted to achieve that state. Like Odin, I would give one of my eyes, and possibly more. I can say that in words, but my goal is to say it louder in my actions. Tomorrow I hunt for Flow, and will keep in mind, "Res dura rem facilem est et res facilis rem durum est." (The hard thing is the easy thing and the easy thing is the hard thing, if my Latin is right)

155 Days w/o Gaming, 12 Days w/o YouTube It's tiring work, but it's worth it. There's just not enough time in a day. Or maybe there is, but I get very tired when I try to use all of it. There's so much to do. Trying to do it all makes us stronger, but it also shows us that there's always more. I follow the right road carefully, with a left road mentality. The right road to ambition never ends, but with the left road of inner peace one must realize that he has already arrived.

@Csaba_Bekesi I really appreciate your encouragement. The last semester I had completely quit video games, but found the same negative effects in my life as if they were still a part of it. YouTube can be just as destructive as any other addiction, as much so as gaming, and quitting it will be one less layer of the onion of our vices. I'm tempted to take a peek at your journal some time to see how this finding has positively impacted your life. 154 Days w/o Gaming, 11 Days w/o YouTube As I distance myself from past vices, I find that I have more time and discipline to not only focus on school work, but also on self-development. Getting distracted on the internet is still very much a threat, but it's more a game of when I will do the work than if I will do the work. My main goal right now is to make that when a shorter and shorter time. Beyond that I see I'm faced with a fork in the road. I have a good, albeit somewhat blurry, outline for my life (which I understand is subject to change as I grow older, and certainly will), but my overall attitude within its parameters is still up in the air. The left path in the fork is that of dissipating the ego: reaching a state of being fully present in the moment and detached from daily troubles and desires. The right path is that of ambition and trying to sprint towards my goals. In both I seek to achieve self-mastery and making the world a better place, but I'm having trouble knowing which is better to do that. I am tempted to try to find a way to do both, and while in some ways that does seem possible, in so many others it does not. I personally want to lean much more to the left, but society has taught me all my life how to successfully leverage the right. I'll need to ponder this further.

153 Days w/o Gaming, 10 Days w/o YouTube I was busy yesterday running errands. It was good to get so much done that I had been putting off. Today I mainly caught up on sleep and did some school work. I'm hoping to get the lion's share of the rest of my school work done tomorrow since it's a holiday. It's nice that I've done fairly decently with my weekend so far, and tomorrow I'll have a chance to really set my next week up for success.

@WorkInProgress Thanks! 151 Days w/o Gaming, 8 Days w/o YouTube My Fridays are scheduled to be laid back, which is nice. I helped a friend learn how to train with weights, got lunch with a different friend, volunteered at the hospital, and hung out with my parents in the evening. The main thing I want to focus on here was my discussion with that friend. I haven't sat down and talked with him since the beginning of late semester because of how busy he was, but picked right back up as if we had never left off. He's been having a lot of problems in his social life as well. I gave him some advice, and received some valuable advice in return. He pointed out that my feelings of isolation are coming from a lack of conforming with society, namely my fellow college students. It also comes from the fact that I usually care much more than others are willing to reciprocate. We both agreed that there is a certain wisdom to no longer caring, namely, no longer caring about what other people think. Living authentically is by far the best thing one could do. It still stings that I can't go out and do fun activities with my friends. My lack of a car limits me to taking the bus to campus and back home. Last night and tonight they went out and invited me, but I had no way to get there. This is something I wish didn't bother me, but it does. In the Stoic manner I try not to cling to things I don't have much control over, especially those that are ultimately not long-lasting pursuits. It's not easy. Then again, the easy way is the hard way and the hard way is the easy way.

150 Days w/o Gaming, 7 Days w/o YouTube The quiz went ok, and classes are continuing on well. Having this weekend will be nice, though. Anyway, my trek for trying to find an internal locus of happiness continues. I met with a very wise friend for lunch, and admitted to him that I had been depressed lately due the feeling of lack of connection with friends. As a fellow introvert, he said he could relate. His advice was to continue on my journey of self-discovery, and to lessen the attachment to the thought that being around others will make me happy. More and more I'm seeing from different sources that being a loner is a bad thing. Society can be very bleak, and sometimes it is good to take a retreat to look within and rediscover purpose.There needs to be healing within before I can work on healing the what is around me. I can turn loneliness into solitude. I can turn a time of suffering into a time of gaining strength. And Strength is worth struggling for.

@Cam Adair Very true, and indeed it did. 149 Days w/o Gaming, 6 Days w/o YouTube I have a Calculus quiz to study for, but I want to post this much. Building toughness does seem to be the best way to be happy in any situation. I'm trying to build that in general, and especially with social interactions. I'm trying to foster a few core friendships, rather than worrying about the larger social groups I was once a part of. I'm also trying to pare down on going out and doing social activities. At this point in time grades and internal well-being are the priorities. They are both at a critical junction that must end in success. I don't want to think about the alternative, because it would not be pretty. Success in both of these areas, though, will bring about incredible results. The choice is simple.

148 Days w/o Gaming, 5 Days w/o YouTube It's been a tiring day, but it's been good to have put in a full day's work. In the words of Rudyard Kipling, it's the feeling that one gets from, "If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run." It's all about momentum, and I just need to keep it up. The main thing I'm concerned about is morale, because I haven't gotten to have quality time with friends since well before the break. There's a Salsa night at a restaurant tomorrow night that some of my friends are planning on going to, and I'm thinking of going to it to as well to blow off steam, but it's really late at night and would sap a lot of energy out of me for the next day (and beyond in sleep debt). There are a lot of trade-offs on the line here, between productivity and social activity. With that said, I only want to go if I can get far enough ahead in my work tomorrow, so the point may be moot. Overall, I'm at a good point. I've been able to meet with a few of my friends, I'm enjoying all of my classes, all of my professors are fantastic, and I'm steadily going towards my goals in all areas of my life. The only thing wrong is that I'm not especially happy. I have a hunch that this feeling is largely coming from imbalances in my sleep schedule, since I've had to wake up very early each morning to catch the bus and get to my classes on time. I also think it has to do with what I was talking about above: lack of (or at least perceived lack of) quality social interactions with my friends. Maybe the body is just addicted to misery; it always tries to find something to be unhappy about. Deep down I wish I could find the power to be happy as I am, as both the Buddhists and the Stoics teach. I've done it before. I've been able to pull myself out of every rut I've been in. I know I can do it this time as well. It's just hard without video games to self-medicate with. I'll sleep on it and try to deep and connect with that internal well of joy tomorrow. I've had few problems that sleep didn't cure.