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Pierce

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Posts posted by Pierce

  1. Dang, too bad about the shin splints :/ . I haven't heard of serious swimming injuries being common, so I'm guessing either the person had a preexisting condition or their technique was awful. Technique isn't hard. When I learned how to weight lift I would watch videos and break it down piece by piece. Freestyle is the stroke I recommend if you choose to start swimming. Look up  how to do the kick and practice that. Then the arms. Then breathing patterns, head alignment, flip turns when you get to each side of the wall, etc. Half the fun is improving your skill. You'll not only be in better shape, but if you're ever in a situation where you need to be able to swim well you'll be able to.

  2. If you have injuries in your knees, feet, etc. disregard this paragraph and go to the next one. I highly recommend running. If you use the proper technique the risk of injury is low. Most of the people I know that have injured themselves were from overexerting during sports, so recreational running is low risk. If you have good running shoes, don't heel strike, keep good back posture, have a warm up and cool down walk, etc. you should be be fine. It's helped me stay in shape and it's a great stress reducer.

    If you do have an injury or simply still don't want to risk one, swimming is fantastic. I swam competitively when I was younger and not only did I lose weight and get in better cardiovascular shape, I found that my pullups in gym class went from 0 to 12 after one of my more intense years on the swim team. It has a minimal amount of impact on your joints when compared to running and biking, and works your whole body.

  3. @BigOlBeartic Good job on the imprompteau speaking! That was always my strong point. Going back to what I said before, my challenge for you this semester is to make at least one speech with multiple jokes in it.

    I think I understand what you mean by splitting the challenge up. I go day by day, any smaller than that seems trivial. Right now I'm trying to make it to a week.

    Go a few posts up and you'll see a picture from Parasyte I got from the internet. I copied it with a face swap (I always wanted a Migi of my own). In many ways I saw Parasyte as autobiographical, meaning that minus the science fiction bits the evolution of the protagonist is something I can really relate to. What attracted you to the show?

    @info-gatherer True about those social interactions. I just find those relationships empty, like munching on chips. If I can't talk about deep philosophical subjects, or at least about raw emotions, I'm not motivated to maintain that relationship unless there are extrinsic benefits involved. Again, a theory, but I think we're trying to find others to satisfy us when we're lonely, when we really need to learn to find that satisfaction within ourselves. So in that vein, I sent the emails and even visited one of the clubs yesterday (found it mildly boring). The other club isn't meeting this semester. 

    And you're right, I need to start replacing better. I'm trying to replace fun unhealthy things with boring healthy things (i.e. school work). Reading, writing, drawing, etc. need a higher value put on them.

     

    I felt really tired after all that went on yesterday. Watched anime. Going to get more done tomorrow. I lifted weights tonight and planned what I'm going to do tomorrow. I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it, and am glad I feel pretty content right now. Contentedness leads to healthier behaviors, whereas tiredness and stress lead to negative ones.

  4. @Dannigan You have a very wise and calming presence, like the wind on a serene day. And I agree, @BigOlBeartic has a warming presence, like the sun's rays as it rises and washes the cold of night away.

    As for your thoughts on loneliness... I don't know. My gut feeling disagrees. I'm trying to introspect carefully to see if this is true, but this is how I feel as of now: reaching out just leaves me empty and hungrier. The times when I am happy alone, and when I am happy with others, are when I am happy with myself. Reaching out Sunday just made it evident that my friends were too busy for me. The only good that came from it was that I texted a friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while. Ironically she was dealing with loneliness as well, and likewise struggled with that feeling conflicting with just wanting to be left alone. It's still a theory, but I'm feeling more and more confident that the key to overcoming loneliness is within.

    Day 1

    I didn't post yesterday because I felt like a chump for failing after hyping that new start so much. Today I see how that it really is a non-issue. Every time I try I will believe it will be the time I succeed. I'm not going to be ashamed of that.

    I had my paper to work on with only a small amount already done. I got another small chunk done, and then I just felt worn out. I worked more on my drawing some. Then I tried to find other things to do. Eventually I was just so tired of the fatigue and mental pain and thought that starting over would be worth it if it would just go away. Then I could finally do something with my day. And watching anime after holding off those days before felt amazing. Dopamine coursed through my body as raw power. The problem was I couldn't control it. If I had the ability to focus it I would have worked more on my paper, but instead I kept on watching and watching until finally it was past my bed time and I knew I wasn't going to get anything more done.

    My body woke me up an hour early this morning, as it usually does when it knows I have something I need to get done. I cranked out a bit more on the paper, then went to class. The paper was due tonight so I had time. In class I saw some people had copies of their paper on their desk. I thought it was strange and that they just wanted to turn in a physical copy early. Then I heard my instructor say something about an email, and when I looked it up I saw that earlier in the weekend he said that the schedule was being changed and to bring a finished paper copy to class. "Crap! Crap! CRAP!" I said out loud. He sent the rest of us to the computer lab to print out our papers. I frantically jammed out a conclusion and printed it.

    English has always been a strong suit of mine, and after being on the debate team in high school public speaking is second nature. I gave my presentation fourth and it was by far the best in the class as far as the presentation itself went, and one of the top three in regards to informativeness. So I bet I got a good grade, but that fact that made such a noob mistake and had to do all of this in the 11th hour wasn't cool. It's why there's always a price for relapsing.

    In the evening I went to the art club's exhibition. The paintings were already selected from a previous time, so I knew it wouldn't do me any good to bring mine (it wasn't finished at the time anyway). It was a surreal experience. On the one hand, the art was amazing. High schoolers and college students alike, and even the less talented paintings were out of my scope. I took that as a good thing; gave me a standard to set for myself. I spoke to a couple people, including the faculty advisor, but found it difficult to socialize, especially since I was one of the few people (maybe only person) that came knowing absolutely no one. Overall, it was a pretty good experience. I'm not really interested in joining a club about promoting art, though. I want to draw. This may sound solipsistic, but all artforms I produce are for me. If I can't enjoy it without the praise of anyone else, I don't want to make it. It's unfortunate that the writing club advisor said they weren't able to get enough people for this semester, either.

    So I came home, again, feeling kind of lonely. I chose to finish my drawing and then run. And as I did both I reaffirmed what I have said before: this journey is about coming to terms with the self. If I can't accept myself and enjoy my own company, I'm not worthy of leaving my cage. I have the key after all.

    Attached below is my latest picture. It's of the picture above from Parasyte, but I swapped the protagonsits face with my own. The body turned out great, but since the face required more improvisation to put on a 2d model it has a lot of defomities, especially the eyes and nose. I guess this is a literal representation of the metaphorical idea of acceptance I described above, haha. 

    I'm incredibly tired, but I'm looking forward to reading and posting in other journals tomorrow.

    000073_001_zpslhzpde5n.JPG.e36219fdc385ba6a2297f4d77eaf79e7.JPG

    • Like 1
  5. I know it feels crappy to have spent the time at home instead of doing school work, but that actually sounds like an incredible weekend. You spent time with your family, got to see a baseball game for free (pretty awesome story), and got closer to your father and sister. To top it all off today you got to enjoy music with your gf and a friend.

    • Like 1
  6. I know thee feeling of rising to the occasion because of external deadlines, and then being afraid you won't be able to do it again once the external pressure is gone. It's why we're all on this detox. To regain control over our thoughts, actions, and emotions. It'll take time, but we're getting there.

    Hey, and congrats on less time on the internet!

  7. Day 3

    I'm posting right now to clear my head so that I can complete my last two big tasks for the night. I've been working on a paper for class this afternoon and was feeling lonely since I've been at home for the past two days (and will be tomorrow as well), so after dinner I called two of my friends and texted a few others. The two I called made it clear I was calling at a bad time and they would get back to me tomorrow. The texting wasn't very fruitful either. Journaling is a tool that usually helps in times like these, and I am grateful that I do not want to turn to electronics like I usually do when I want to hide from my loneliness. 

    This is why being an introvert is so confusing. I've revelled at being at home and being able to control my own schedule. On the flip side, it's made me stir crazy. It's funny because there's not anywhere I'd like to go anyway since they would all make the feeling worse. Just processing the feeling and then getting back to what I need to do at home really is the most productive solution here. I guess I just need to be more cognizant of my thoughts. I've been ruminating over negative friendships in the past, and over all the positive one's I've lost. I should enjoy the company of myself, as I am my favorite person to be around (love-hate relationship, though).

    As I've said before, this is my journey. The path is what I need to set my eyes on, my pace my only worry; sometimes to speed up to get to a certain destination in time, sometimes to slow down and rest, but never to stop to walk on a divergent path. I know this is a harsh attitude, but I need it to temper my people-pleasing tendencies: fuck everyone that makes me stumble off my path.

    I feel better now. I'll finish my paper and start working on my art project soon. And overall, it's been a good day. Many productive things done, and I didn't allow my emotions to derail me.

    • Like 2
  8. I can't overstate how much respect I have for you in getting rid of those games from your house before you relapsed. Also, as a vegetarian I can feel your pain about the price of meat-replacing food, and understand that it is significantly harder for you than it is for me. That said, the fact that you are putting a premium on your health is fantastic.

    Reading through your journals I can see that this is a very painful time in your life. It also looks like it's a time of great healing as well, as most detox's are. Finding activities similar to writing in this journal will help act as natural replacements to food and electronics for stress relief. I recommend art and exercise (especially yoga, since you have had a spinal fracture in the past) as two activities that have acted as replacements in my life.

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  9. @JustTom Interesting. I fully believe you are right about habit loops and subconscious affirmations, I've just had trouble applying that information practically. Your last two paragraphs resonated a lot more. Your thoughts on resourcefulness are especially something I can be on board with. I've started reading How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and it illustrates your point well. Carnegie was a poor farmer's son who had to ride a horse just to get to college. It was through his hard work on the debate team, and later the daunting risks and hard work he put into his world famous public speaking courses that made him one of the most important people of the last century.

    The activities that have been helping me in my detox have been exercise and creative pursuits. Exercise let's you get out of your brain and focus on the exertion your body feels during the task at hand. Creative endeavors (such as writing, reading, drawing, music, etc) replace the sense of flow from electronics and allow you to create rather than consume.

    As for meditation, it's something I'm a big proponent of, but struggle to do. It's hard to for me to meditate for more than five minutes. The best I've done has been when I visited a nearby Buddhist meditation center and set in during a couple of those sessions. As you said, though, slowly building habits is the best way to do it so I'm going to focus on exercise, school work, and other activities I find to be fun before tackling meditation again.

    @BigOlBeartic Thanks! I'm looking forward to unveiling my next work tomorrow night. 

    It'd be cool to see what you're working on in Java at some point.

    • Like 1
  10. I'm exhausted right now, so I'll respond to your comments above tomorrow. Thanks for leaving them.

    Day 2

    Today was a tough battle, but I did well. This morning I was getting strong cravings to watch anime. They hit me as I was entering in patient care reports, which are very tedious. These urges hit me throughout the day, and I used weight lifting and running as much needed breaks when they became too distracting. I hypothesize that I've been using electronic entertainment as a form of self-medication for my ADD, which I've struggled with all my life. Instead of facing the pain of focusing on a task I could zip off to somewhere where my imagination could run wild. To further back this up, when I was thinking about the types of animes I wanted to watch one of the main factors I was looking for was how long each series lasted. I wanted a drug that could keep me away from my problems for long periods of time.

    I heard back from the drawing club and they have a student exhibition next Wednesday. I'm thinking of whipping something up so I can enter it. To help replace my anime fix, I'm recreating a drawing from Parastye, attached below. It'll definitely take some new skills to pull it off, but I'm excited about it starting on it tomorrow.

    Parasyte.jpg.b5d01620f186559ddd259f96e122c859.jpg

  11. @JustTom That's my primary goal right now, aside from school. I now find gaming boring and soul-sucking, but in my year of quitting it I found my root addiction that led to gaming is far more toxic in my life. That addiction primarily manifests in watching unproductive videos, but I see it as any time spent in front of a screen that wasn't intentionally set aside for my growth (I say intentionally because I could justify how watching anime and eating popcorn all day are beneficial for growth otherwise). I've used that crutch to hide from life for too long, so I've been systematically trying to root it out. 

    Good luck. I've found it to be hardest thing I've ever tried to do in my life. That said, that rewards you can reap are much higher than the difficulty. I'd be curious to hear what you believe the root of your addiction is, and what's been working for you.

    Day 1

    Last summer there was a day I was lifting weights with a friend at his gym. He loaded weights on the bench press for me as I went through a grueling set of many reps with minimal rest. He would count each rep before I would get to the top, and eventually I asked him why he did that. He said he fully believed I would make the rep, so he counted it as if I already did. That's what I'm doing for today. I'm typing this out in some free time I've eked out in my last ER rotation for the semester (cue confetti and party horns), and I feel confident that tonight will be as positive as the rest of today has been. Also, I know the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting change, but so is the definition of tenacity. In my book tenacity is a virtue, so I'll take being a little crazy as well. I believe that April 14, 2019 I'll have made it one year without electronic entertainment (not counting reading and writing online, which are entertaining for me), and be that much better of a person for it.

    Yesterday I watched a lot of anime and waited until the late night to take my quizzes due that day. I don't consider myself a naturally lazy person, but the addicted version of me is the textbook definition of it. It's partly why I was conspicuous from posting here yesterday. On the flip side, the positives of that day include: doing hill sprints first-thing in the morning, getting a call from a friend I hadn't spoken to in almost a year (the girl I texted last Friday night), and getting an email from my clinical coordinator that he'll extend my patient care report deadline (which was very generous of him). Celebrating that last fact, this afternoon I finally emailed the two clubs I've been wanting to check out. The social interaction will be good for me, and honing my writing and drawing skills will be even better.

    • Like 1
  12. I found the joke the you added in your speech to be funny when reading it, but delivery is key. As for the starting gitters, that's normal in the beginning. It takes much more experience than I have to not get them, but I've found that they hinder you less and less over time. As long as you've hit your stride by the end of your introduction I wouldn't worry about it.

    The last two years I spent at my previous college I felt like there was a glass wall between myself and everyone I interacted with, emotionally. We could talk and interact, but when we tried to reach through the glass and actually connect, I would feel a jarring feeling and not be able to. I get it. What's helped me is to stop caring. When I saw that all friendships are temporary I was able to enjoy the moment with them. I've found that when you put your own self acceptance over what others think of you and do things that you enjoy, the relationships become more organic and enjoyable. It'd be cool to hear more about where you think the source of this feeling of distance comes from. I have a lot to learn myself when it comes to that category.

    Also, when it comes to your possible lesser addiction, quit for a week and see what happens. The level of difficulty it is will show how engrained it is in your life. You might find that quitting will allow you to naturally be more focused. The difficulty in this would be to not deplete your willpower so much that you relapse in other areas of your life as well.  Trying to make too many changes at once is a personal pitfall of mine.

    • Like 2
  13. Flax seed is a great source of omega-3's. I make my own protein shakes and put a liberal amount of it in them. The shakes are also super cheap and healthy since they're home made. Let me know if you're interested in the recipe.

  14. Good luck on the speech! I used to do competitive speech and debate in high school and it was a lot of fun. If I were to give you two pieces of last minute advice, they would be this: 1. Adding a little bit of humor will go a long way. I remember giving a speech for a college english class, and on one of the feedback cards a fellow student admitted my thesis was so against his belief system that he wouldn't have listened if it wasn't for the humor I sprinkled throughout my presentation. 2. Have clear main points (like this numbering system, haha). The clearer your main points are (most people have three, which are their body paragraphs) the easier it will be for your audience to stay engaged and remember what you said. Having solid transitions and making the main point of each body paragraph very obvious are good ways to do this.

    Also, much respect for taking digital logic circuits. I have a friend who took that as an electrical engineering major and he told me how hard it is.

  15. I've had quite a few experiences more embarrassing than the one you had in your class, but the embarrassment passed (pun not intended) by the next day. Happens to all of us.

    I'm surprised you've had so much success redirecting your thoughts. Good job man. Not really a tactic I've put too much effort towards. Glad you held on.

    Hey, and congrats on the tennis! Looks like you've found a good replacement for LoL that feeds your competitive side.

    • Like 1
  16. @Dannigan As a fellow healthcare worker I've seen all to well the effects of a full moon (or maybe it's a superstition limited to Emergency Medicine). For me, though, I've noticed the cycles I go through for a while. I'll be unproductive for a few days, feel really guilty each night until I can't take it anymore, start being productive and feel amazing the next day, get tired and stressed out by life, look to electronics for comfort, relapse, repeat. 

    It's interesting you bring up stress. When I feel stress I have a natural tendency to do something to relieve it immediately or repress it. This is great for crisis situations, but can lead to lazy behavior in everyday life. Psychologist Carl Jung speaks of the "shadow self", a manifestation of our repressed desires. I was thinking today that maybe my compulsive electronic use comes from a desire to play and have fun, but since I am trying to force myself to do work it comes out in a negative manner. If I choose a psotive way to play it would manifest as exercise, drawing, writing, reading, and most importantly socializing. It's a theory, but maybe when I feel a need to go use an electronic device unproductively I should rest for as long as I need to doing something else, even if I don't get anything done all day.

    Also,  to be honest, I still haven't emailed the advisor to the writing club. I'd been putting it off, so this morning I drafted an email for her and the advisor in charge of the drawing club (I just discovered it as well), but became preoccupied. Now I don't want to send them. A small part of this is shyness, but I've done far bolder things before (public speaking, ballroom dancing in front of a crowds of people, convincing patients to let me stick a needle in their arm, etc). I think the main reason is I don't want to start something and then drop it, like I've done with so many other things in my life. I can tell that this would be the first thing to go if I get overwhelmed again. I'm hoping this isn't cowardice disguising itself as the voice of reason, but I'm going to hold off until my life is a bit more stable.

    And thank you for the kind words and empathy. They help a lot.

     

     

    The act of going to school forces productivity, and thus garners endorphins and positive thinking to deal with the task at hand. Class was pretty standard, and after lunch we would be borrowing the nursing program's obstetrics lab. There was no way of tracking who went, so half of my class skipped, but I knew that going would be good for me (and it just felt like the right thing to do). It was good to refresh on how to assist live births in the field, and the nurse who voiced the dummy representing the mother was hilarious (lots of dirty jokes and cussing ensued). When I got home I felt focused. It feels strange to talk about self acceptance and self love as a guy (which I know may seem silly from an outside view), but I believe they are the root of enlightenment. More importantly, they are one of the most important pursuits one can engage in his life. So during this time at school and the car ride home I chose to accept both my flaws and positives. This is not a one time and done action. It was just one further step of many, but it was in the right direction.

    At home I was tired, and a little voice in my mind said I'd feel better if I watched some youtube videos, and then I'd be able to work. So I sidetracked myself for a little bit on there and felt better. Then I pulled out a book to read, but wanted a little more. I took a nap while doing so and when I woke up I saw it was 7pm. This time was exactly when my patient care data would be closed off for last thursday's shift, and I had forgotten to do it. My heart sunk for a moment: I had planned on working on this afternoon, but had forgotten. I pulled myself together and composed an email to my clinical director. I was honest and direct about the issue. The chance he'll reopen it for me is unlikely, but I wanted to try. Worst case scenario is that I'll have to do another 12 hour ER shift. At the time this was a very stressful thought, and I couldn't think straight to do any school work or read so I decided to run to the gym to lift weights. Great choice. Pushing myself physically made my negative thoughts appear as an annoyance that I could flick away. I even bumped into a good acquaintance I hadn't seen in forever on the way home, and had an annimated conversation for over half an hour.

     

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  17. Today I woke up and almost immediately started on my research paper, which is due next week. It was an amazing feeling. I got a full outline done, gathered all my sources, and wrote an introduction in two hours. Then I hit a brick wall. Using the pen and paper strategy I had lasted thus far, but eventually I fell. I feel awful now. Thinking about it further, the feeling isn't so much from the lost time, but from a feeling of hopelessness. Like I can't ever beat this. All my life I've had this addiction, and for the past seven years of fighting it I've had almost no results. What am I doing?

    I know that self-pity doesn't accomplish anything. I just wanted to be real about it.

    • Like 1
  18. I use not dissapointing everyone on GQ as motivation as well, but the truth is the main reason we feel disappointment is from ourselves. From my perspective you got a lot of good things done today, including setting up another layer of defense against gaming, and even posted right after relapse. You're doing great.

    As for interviewing, my dad always taught me to, "keep the line taut". What he meant by this was to apply broadly, and as an added bonus you'll have more confidence in your interviews because you know that this is just one of many options. It's the whole abundance mentality concept.

    • Like 1
  19. @Dannigan I've seen you give advice to a few other guys on dating, and every time it has been very insightful and encouraging. I really appreciate your perspective as a woman, and more importantly, as an intelligent and kind human being.

    You're absolutely right about the solution. I've never really thought about it before, but the main reason I've struggled when it's comes to romance has been because of all of the time I spend in front of a video screen in the past. When I did ballroom dancing at my previous college I met many interesting young women, and had gone on the most dates I'd ever been on in my life from that. So yes, being social is the key, but the place and intent are just as important. Going to a place where I have a common interest and an intent to have fun is much better than going to a bar purely as a dating outlet. The latter doesn't fit my lifestyle very well anyway.

    There's a writing club at my college. I have been waiting until I "had more free time"  to find out more details about it, but that's an excuse. I'll email the advisor tomorrow. It'd be good since I've been neglecting my poetry lately (my drawing too for that matter).

    @info-gatherer You're advice makes a lot of sense. Instead of building more inauthentic "social media style" relationships (and I'm including shallow face to face interactions in that category as well) I should focus on the relationships that flow naturally and are easy and fun to grow. "Being yourself" has been misconstrued a lot because it's bad advice if it means stop growing, but for being authentic it's essential advice. Behaving a certain way to impress women felt crappy anyway, so embracing my nerdiness would probably make me a lot happier anyway.

    It's Central Standard Time here (6 hours earlier than you), but for that advice you'd be welcome to have some cookies here anyway as an after dinner snack.

     

     

    Getting back in the saddle is really hard. I spent the day watching Stargate Atlantis. The one positive from TV (and why I choose it 9/10 over video games as my posion) are the complicated story arcs and character development. Books would be much better for this. On that note, I've been working on ways to gamify life for the past three years to act as a "productivity machine". My current attempt is writing a pen and paper story line that uses productivity to determine narrative outcomes instead of dice rolling. I'm thinking of implementing the Pomodoro (25 minute productivity sessions) as each "dice roll" and then using the five minute break to write down the outcome. Since daily activities can often seem boring and unimportant, this would provide an action based incentive that would transform the mundane to monumentally important. It'd be interesting to see the outcome tomorrow.

    • Like 2
  20. I want to preface by saying that I skimmed through many of your past journal entries just now, so I may very well get details wrong. Feel free to correct me. That said, I can see that we truly are in similar in many places in our lives. 

    First off, I know I'm late in saying this, but it's good to have you back on the forum. I'm the same as you in this regard, and I've noticed we have many other returness as well. On the one hand, it's sad that for so many of us our detoxes weren't enough, but on the other hand it's good to have good people staying on the forum supporting each other and continuing the fight.

    It sounds like you're going back to school after having struggled in the past. Did that myself. I was pre-med and had to switch to a paramedic program just to keep my gpa alive so that one day I could come back. A lot of depressing nights came from this. I also had a really rough experience with a girl around this time, which reminds me of the long-distance girl you've been talking about. Coming from the experience I'll say something that may or may not be helpful in your situation, but I've found has been so for me. You are mentally stronger now than you've ever been before, and therefore these hard times have been invaluable in becoming the man you seek to be. Your dreams are still within your grasp.

    So I want to say I'm proud of you man. For continuing to combat bad habits, for continuing your education, for working on your body and mind, and for refusing to remain isolated even when it's the easiest thing to do. And it's especially cool that you're writing a science fiction novel as you do all of this. I've found that creative endeavors are the best for replacing gaming.

    I don't know if you've ever seen the anime The Wings of Honneamise, but you remind me a lot of the protagonist in it. It's about a young man who's training to become an astronaut, and doing so allows him to develop into the kind of person he wants to be.

    The bridge is yours, Captain.

    • Like 1
  21. I appreciate the empathy a lot @JSmith, and I can see wisdom in what you're saying. We're both young, so time invested in ourselves right now will have the biggest payoff. This also means we have a lot of time to meet the right person by chance as we go about this. We're bound to form healthier relationships as meet people during self improvement, rather than looking at them for the wrong places. 

    I don't know if you've ever studied the Hero's Journey by Joseph Cambell, but he found that we all must go into the cave, our darkest and most feared place, before we grow strong enough to face our next obstacle. Lately I thought the cave was learning how to approach random girls and be charming, like a friend of mine taught me since he had been very successful doing so. For me, though, it always felt wrong, inorganic. Maybe the cave is what I thought before, self-exploration. So I agree with you.

    Also, I've checked Far from Average out before. Pretty good stuff. I especially recommend Actualized.org's videos, if you've never checked them out before, especially the earlier ones.

     

    Today I went to class again, and even though I woke up so tired I felt drunk, I managed to stay awake during class and learn a few things. We quizzed respiratory and metabolic drugs, and in operations we did an exercise using the Emergency Response Guide to identify what harmful substances would be in trailers and train cars depending on their placard. It's pretty scary when you realize that the truck driving next to you is carrying materials that could kill everyone in a large swathe of the highway around you. Good to know, though, if I ever have to respond to such a call.

    Getting back into the homeostasis of life is difficult. The four days I was on a streak I was doing fantastic, and felt fantastic. I want to get back there. Tomorrow is an off day, so I want to take it easy, but also get a lot of good work done. To get back on track. The first step is to become better rested. I felt so tired today that it was hard to find the energy to do anything other than watch tv, and I fell asleep doing that. Maybe I'll cook a new recipe tomorrow. That would be cool.

  22. Summary
    So here are my consolidated thoughts and feelings, looking back on the weekend. First off, video games can’t compare to the joy of hard work and self-improvement. One is like a dementor sucking all your joy from life, and the other is like a refreshing glass of water, bringing life back to you after walking through a scorching desert. That said, it won’t matter if your other habits aren’t more powerful than the video games in front of you. At home I had started building the habits to make productivity more powerful than flash games and TV, but obviously not more powerful than a console packed with games sitting in front of me. By reducing access to gaming, and increasing access and fun by other sources, I tip the odds increasingly in my favor.

    Secondly, I want to talk about dating. I’ve been dreading talking about this subject here because it’s very awkward to disclose how bad I am at it here. I’ve only dated one girl ever, and that was this past year (during the time I wasn’t journaling here), which took a lot of advice from a friend to even get the relationship going. At age 22 I feel less experienced when it comes to dating than most sixteen year olds are. I’ve always been a late bloomer when it comes to social skills, and it doesn’t help that maturity-wise I’ve been like a 50 year old stuck in a 20 year old’s body. I don’t really “get” or enjoy the dating scene as a young adult.

    To add to my second point, I’m conflicted. Part of me, my more primitive (though I don’t necessarily mean that in a negative way) side does want to learn how to engage women that are attractive and interesting. To gain experience in dating, and have someone to exchange perspectives and experiences with in a romantic context. My more cerebral “higher self” side (again, not necessarily better or more valid than the primitive one) wants to focus solely within. To gain improve knowledge and gain insight of the self. To have a relationship within. I’ve been leaner heavily towards the latter consciously, but my biological instincts are always pulling me towards the former. My best compromise for now is to seek self improvement, while not barring a relationship if I find a great girl along the way. Advice is definitely welcomed.

    So I’m back at the beginning of my one year count. But I’m not discouraged. I haven’t quit the journey. I can foresee unbelievably beautiful times ahead. So I look forward to them.

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  23. Today
    I woke up still terribly depressed and upset with myself. I would have paid all of the money in my bank account to turn back time on that last day and do it over again. To have given my friend the power cord to my xbox and my laptop to take with him on the trip. To have read and drawn and spent time with his awesome dog all day. Instead, I had an ER clinical to go to.

    As much as I wanted to skip the clinical, I knew I needed to go, so I did. And once I was there I felt better, just as I knew I would. My depression went away because I fought the thoughts. My warrior’s mentality kicked in. I settled in to helping the nurses, and found out that my a guy from my paramedic class I’d been bonding a lot with lately was on that shift with me. We enjoyed working together all day. And having deep conversation during the lunch break. We had so much fun during the lunch break that two girls our age kept on looking away from their phones at us, and midway through our interaction he let me know. My anxiety kicked in, and even though I had the words to say I was too nervous to use them. Later on when two girls from a local college were in a room in the ER with their hurt friend, I made a point to ramp up the charisma to reinforce that habit. It was a good shift, and I was glad I had went. Sure, I wasn’t being paid, and it was a hassle (like how I had to help stick a catheter so a guy who was semi-conscious from drug use would finally pee), but it was worth it. At the end of shift one of the nurses I worked closely with said that my friend and I had made her work-load go from unbearable to manageable that day, and that she was very grateful for all of our help. It felt good.

    So I went home, ate, started falling asleep on the floor again, and watched some anime from my computer I retrieved from my friend’s house. That last decision is why I’m not counting today, and it’s also a decision I may regret. I needed this laptop to finish patient care data that was due in the middle of my shift, but it may be wise to return it back to my friend’s safekeeping again. I’m faced with Frodo’s decision at Mt Doom.

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  24. Saturday
    The next morning I woke up on the couch to see a controller on the hassock in front of me. My friend had an xbox, which I knew about (I know that with this fact it was crazy to agree to stay here, but hear me out), but I felt confident that I would turn to the things in life that I had been gaining so much joy from: reading, drawing, and working out. Last time I had dog sat for them I played the xbox the while weekend and became horribly bored after a few hours (didn’t stop me from continuing to play it for an absurd amount of time more that time, though). Still, seeing that controller I felt a rush within me. It would be a similar rush to a drug user seeing a needle full of the substance. I felt a giant spike of dopamine at the site, and was excited by it.

    I socialized more with my friend and his wife over waffles, then they left. It was probably a matter of minutes that I had the xbox on. My emotional thinking was that this feeling was not going to go away unless it was released, so I’d play for a little bit and then would be so bored I’d quit. Well, the boring part ended up being true, but the rest was not. I played xbox for the next 12 hours. For lunch I ate tons of chips, which is something I never do as a very health conscious person. And here’s the funny thing: playing xbox was absolutely miserable. Sure, I felt a similar dopamine rush slowly looking through his online library of hundreds of games and thinking of what all I’d play, and waiting for games to download was a thrill as well, but playing them was a chore. For example, I played the critically acclaimed GTA 5 for the first time ever. It sucked. Sure, I could see how all the features were shiny and nice, and how much effort was put in it and all of the other games, but it was all superficial. The character growth was so miniscule compared to real life, the effort to progress in the plot seemed so trite (kill x amount of enemies here, bring this to there). I had more fun watching tv on my laptop that I had given to my friend for safekeeping (aka, to keep me from doing just what I was doing), because at least it had an interesting plot that you didn’t have to grind through gameplay to get to.

    The most fun I had all day was when I finally realized I should take a break and take the dog for a run. That dog is the best running partner I’ve had in my life. We ran for around a mile (I didn’t keep track: I used how much fun we were having as the only measure), and headed back. The feeling of running, spending time with another mammal, and being outside were so much better than what I had been doing. And yet when I came back the xbox was back on. This is why video games are rightfully now classified as an addiction. When I do what I hate, instead of doing what I love and enjoy and want to (and have equally easy access too, like reading or running), I show my true colors as an addict.

    So instead of going to the play I had planned for the night I tried to get some school work done, and ended up continuing with the xbox and tv. I felt dirty, like I was some heroin user. I headed home like this, ate some healthy food, then went to bed.

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