d.manuk

Today I had my first visitor to my apartment. My new tea friend came over and we drank tea. We drank some aged pu'ehr from 1997 and I got tea drunk. I've never been tea drunk before. After he left, I drank more and more tea to try to hold onto that feeling. It reminded me that I don't have a lot of self control and it reminded me a lot of when I used to smoke marijuana. I used to smoke excessively, all day long for weeks and game. The feeling of being tea drunk is similar and for about 30 minutes I wanted to game because I was in that type of drunken state where it's hard to read or draw or do anything, but watching tv and being on the computer is possible. But I watched a concert on my TV instead. I went to a restorative yoga class afterwards and went to eat Korean food with my boyfriend and then went grocery shopping. I called my great aunt and now I am going to study.

I hope you are doing ok

I think there is something wrong with my ears. I feel like I hear 15% less... or like my ears are more sensitive. I'm going to return my earbuds and not listen to music for a while. Hopefully I just have a mild ear infection. Since my last journal entry, I have made $360 from selling stuff and so I'm resetting my goal. Lately, I feel like the world is unfolding in front of me like a flower. But because it is the world unfolding, and not a flower, it is overwhelming. I realized that I have been trying to hide from the world for a long time. Hiding myself from behind headphones whenever I went outside, behind my computer screen, behind my intentional antisocial behavior. Now that the world is becoming clearer, I am realizing how my past behavior is setting me back in some ways, particularly at my job where everyone is mature and also older than me. People used to say that much is dependent on networks and connections, and I didn't realize the importance of what they were saying because I didn't understand how this was true. But now after seeing "the underside" of several businesses I am starting to understand and it's a little scary because I don't have the full set of social skills to navigate as well as I want to in this area. Also, I am still hiding even on gamequitters. I am a boy although people might think I am a girl. I don't think I will post a picture of myself on here yet but I did send Cam a friend request of Facebook. But I did not tell him my username on here. So I still need to work on being myself it seems. I am still working on improving my life a lot but I am in a much better place than I was 136 days ago, even though I didn't realize it back then.

Today is day 134 without playing video games. Start date: 9/6/2016 I only studied for 1 hour today, but I had a good time taking a bath and talking with my boyfriend. I am breathing very well today and I don't have any regrets about making the tough decision to part with Nico. I am trying to be more honest with myself and others and this was an example. Things I want to buy: - A few more work clothes - 2 pairs of shoes, 1 casual and 1 for work - New home clothes - A new coat for spring - Carry on suitcase - New robot vacuum I think I will return my wireless earbuds because I think they give me slight headaches... still deciding. Things I want to work on: Studying Tasting all of the tea samples I recently bought - I am slowly working through them. Eating more salads - I bought some more glass containers for salads to help achieve this goal. Figuring out a better system for my clothes/coats/shoes/work bag - Still working on organizing my closet but it is better than before. Managing my emotions at work when people say things that I think are crazy but they are actually 100% serious instead of exploding (I have ordered a library book regarding this) - I have been very calm and nice at work Read more: Poison Study and Dale Carnegie's How to Make Friends book Spend less time with technology Make $300 more dollars selling stuff I own Shining Heart Goals: Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10 Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 3/10

I feel like I am having bad posture lately. I have been meaning to do back exercises or yoga but I haven't found the time. I have done a lot of cardio and rollerblading recently at night, because I was trying to work through my emotions about my cat and my relationship so at least I wasn't sedentary. My #1 goal right now is to study. Study study study. I feel really dumb and I need to study! Study till I die and then study more. I have a list of things I want to do, and it keeps getting longer because I need to study and other things take a lower priority. I don't feel very tempted to play Maplestory 2 when it comes out. The thought of playing a video game now seems a little weird and foreign to me, I hope I can maintain that feeling. I had decided not to play it a few weeks ago, and since then the desire to play it has been decreasing and decreasing. I got a new TV last week and I was watching Youtube videos about tea while eating breakfast. I was forced to watch some ads for video games and they looked nice and made me interested and I hated that. But I am of course not going to play. I feel a little more secure in my life so I am decreasing my emergency fund and investing it instead. This weekend I went to a spa and had a massage, ate Greek food, and cleaned my apartment a lot. I am able to breathe through my nose quite well right now so I feel happy and healthier. Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAyomcOQ9Oo

I can relate to having video games take over your life so that you no longer socialize. It is a tough process getting back to that place before I started playing video games, but I have recently started making small gains in this area which I would not have been able to do unless I were game free for 130+ days.

I gave away my cat yesterday. It was my idea to adopt him 2 years ago, but I came to realize that my allergies and the other negatives of owning a cat outweighed the positives, even though he is a very good cat and I loved him immensely. I was not his first owner. At times, he was my best friend... and although he wasn't always #1, he was always at least #2. My boyfriend took this news very hard as well but we eventually settled on giving Nico to someone else. We have both come to terms with this decision and are in the process of moving on, although I still cried this morning. I didn't want to live another possible 12 years with not being able to breathe through my nose and being mildly itchy. I gave Nico a lot of love and what I hope were a good 2 years for him, and I hope that the people that took him are more mature than me and will love him even more than I did and for the remainder of his life. He seemed to like the new owners more than us, so I also felt less guilty and sad about the decision. I love you and wish you the best, Nico. Shining Heart Goals: Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10 Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 3/10 The new owners for Nico wanted to think about the decision and come back the next day. I spoke up and told them my feelings that I would prefer if they made the decision the same day, because I did not want to think about Nico leaving me for another day. They agreed that made sense, and then decided to take him.

I'm not in a good position with regards to studying because I am trying to make up for lost time. Instead of studying for my test the past 1.5 years, I was fooling around playing video games and getting high instead of learning in the classes and self studying on my own. Studying would be easier now if I had learned the material while it was being taught instead of just going through the motions in the classes. I do think that I am in a pretty good mindset now though, trying to take my studying seriously. I am going to the New York Philharmonic tonight to see a Mozart and Brahms orchestra. I have never been to a classical music concert before! I have watched a lot of anime recently about classical music and that has sparked an interest. One of the people from the tea meet up I went to last Sunday messaged me on Facebook and we set up a 1:1 tea drinking meet up. I will sneak out of work for an hour or 2, hehe. I did a quick tidy of the apartment yesterday and it wasn't as stressful due to the lower amount of things I own now. It took about an hour. There were a few things of mine I thought to get rid of, but decided to keep because I thought they might bring me joy in the future. I really like my new phone and laptop, as well as the other smaller improvements I've made in my life. Shining Heart Goals: Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10 Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 2/10

I gave a good presentation to my company's leadership today about a project I have been working on for over a year now. It was well-received and I would not have been able to do as well of a job if I were still gaming. I signed up for another tea club meet up next month and am looking forward to it. I feel like the past week has been stressful and the worst of it is now over. I haven't been studying as much as I should have as a result, but I have continued to study a little bit everyday which is what counts I think. Last night after studying, I worked on my short story submission instead of watching anime, which made me feel proud. Shining Heart Goals: Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10 Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 2/10

Today is day 124 without video games, and I have improved my life once again today. I went to a tea meetup and it was better than I thought it would be! I ended up really enjoying it. I have never shared this hobby with other people, and the people at the meetup were just as into the hobby as I was. I even learned some new things. It was quite a positive experience, and I was talkative and social. The people at the meetup seemed to enjoy talking to me. I ate 10 clementines today and they were the best clementines I've had in my entire life. I have made 400$ selling things since my last journal entry, with some more on the way. Shining Heart Goals: - Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 2/10 At the meetup, people mostly initiated conversations with me. In the beginning, I just answered their questions which shut off communication once I finished answering the question. But later on, I opened up a little more and began asking the other people questions about themselves as well, which helped open up communication amongst the group. - Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 2/10 I was honest with my boyfriend that I wanted him to not meet up with his ex. I also said that I wanted him to cut off contact with them in general, since this was not something that was happening at the start of our relationship and I would not have moved forward with him if it had been occurring because it goes against my beliefs. So, I stood up for what I wanted in a calm and non-threatening way and there were no issues.

After watching the movie Lala Land, I got very upset and cried a lot. It was not the kind of movie I would normally watch and I wouldn't say I liked it, but I think it's good that I went to see it. I ending of the movie upset me because it was about regret and 'what could have been.' I don't want to have regrets about the choices I made in life, or end up wishing I had behaved more like myself instead of acting in a way that would cause the least resistance with people. The movie had characters that seemed to express themselves fully and dance and sing, without being embarrassed of who they are and what they want to do. This is something I would like to feel. Although I am not going to sing in the street. But I will continue to strive to show people my true self, my shining heart, without fear or embarrassment. Shining Heart Goals: - Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 1/10 I spoke to one of the interns at my work that I would have normally smiled at, said hi, and then ignored. Today, I turned to her at the start of a staff meeting and asked how her weekend was. She seemed happy that I spoke to her. It was an easy way to start off my goals because she wasn't a random stranger where I'd have no pretext. - Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 1/10 For this goal, instead of trying to emulate an "I don't give a fuck attitude," I will be working towards an "it will be alright" attitude. I cried in front of my boyfriend after watching Lala Land and told him it made me sad. I could have done a better job being open with him about why I was sad, but it was a good first step toward my goal.

I'm currently reading this book too.

I haven't played a video game in 114 days. Also, I now have plans not to play a video game ever again, even if it is Maplestory 2! So I guess this is day 114 out of infinity? I studied for 1.5 hours after work today. I will try to increase my hours and study every day now in order to pass the test in March. I've also asked my bf to be quieter and for more help around the house, so that it is split more like 70/30 than 50/50 until my test is over. I have also decided to enter a flash fiction writing competition, which has a deadline of February. I had a story already written, so I just need to edit it to perfection. I thought this would be a good place to start, because the story needs to be less than 360 words. I am much more open to exercising now that there is a gym in my building -- this means that I do less yoga, but I suppose that is alright. Right now I eat 1 salad per weekday at breakfast. I am considering making it 2 salads a day and have the 2nd one as my mid afternoon snack which is currently beef jerky or a granola bar. My new laptop arrives Monday and I am looking forward to setting up new songs on my new phone. I've started reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie so that I can better control my workplace personality.

I want to learn how to play the flute too Good luck with purging

If you have been reading my journal entries lately, you know that I have been flip flopping back and forth between will I be playing vs not playing Maplestory 2 when it is released at the end of 2017. I've had a tough time deciding that I should not play it. Should I play it? Should I not play it? Pros? Cons? I'll put off my decision? OMG!!! I was telling my boyfriend yesterday I was having trouble committing to a decision and he said that he would not be able to make this kind of decision so far in advance otherwise he'd go crazy. Well, I am the type of person that needs to think it out and make it ahead of time exactly because it will drive me crazy! So I have decided: I'm not going to play Maplestory 2 when it comes out. Even as I type it out, I am making a >________< face. It makes me uncomfortable. The nostalgia, the feelings, the emotions, are all strong when it comes to Maplestory. It was my first MMO. It was so cute!! But if I think about it as if it were a different video game, I wouldn't want to play and I'd say that I want to do other things instead. I have to have faith and hope that the world has something better for me in store than an online game, even if that game is the cuteness machine Maplestory. There has to be something better, something that doesn't feel like there is something missing. Something that doesn't make me feel like I am wasting my life, but something that provides me the same good feelings as Maplestory. I don't think I have found it yet. I want to continue the journey to find the true inner me and I can't have a video game holding me back. I want to get to the final destination! Song of the day: https://youtu.be/iOjTa92ApQM

Right now I do baby kale/slivered almonds/cherry tomatoes/miso carrot ginger dressing with 2 eggs and an endive. I'm trying to find other good combos that take 2 mins to make ????

I studied after work today for 1 hour. I also went to Whole Foods and bought a lot of vegetables; although I usually buy a lot of vegetables, I bought more than usual. I think eating salads for breakfast will be my newest routine because I like it, it suits me very much and I was thinking of easy ways to eat vegetables for breakfast. And it lets me wake up later because I have it prepared ahead of time and eat it at work. I also went swimming for 30 minutes. I don't want to play Maplestory 2 when it comes out, but I am a little scared that I will want to play it. My desire to not play it is at a very low level and I need to work on increasing that determination. I am also a little scared that I may currently want to play it if I had the opportunity to. I don't want the desire to play to be there! I want to be in the place I am now with League of Legends and the other games I used to play, where the desire to play is pretty much eliminated.

I studied for 5 hours today. I was only able to study one 50 page chapter within that time so I am not very proud of my work today. Studying about life insurance is very painful and boring I will take a break for the next half hour and then go to sleep. I exercised today, gave myself and mani + pedi, and made a better egg and salmon omelette than yesterday.

I re-read my journal. It was interesting seeing how I worked through things in subtle ways in my entries. Each post seemed to be a step closer to enlightenment ???? I am leaning even more towards not playing MS2 when it comes out... It seems like it would be a waste. Re-reading my journal also reminded me that soon enough spring and summer will be here and I will have a whole different set of activities available to do. I also was reminded of when I was attacked in the park, which lately I have been thinking about frequently. The incident still brings me a lot of anger and I have noticed I feel a lot more hostile to strangers lately, and sometimes want to get physical with them when they do annoying things. I do not like this and I need to work through this issue because it is not the person I want to be.

If your husband doesn't use the XBox, you should sell it and maybe buy some art supplies instead Have you ever tried gouache?

I studied 7 hours yesterday. I plan to study for at least 6 today, but so far I am having trouble focusing. Also, overall I feel behind in my studying but I am not in a place of no return. I have been reading the posts in the Relapse forum. It is reminding me of some of the reasons why I quit gaming that I had forgotten about: being irritated after playing, low motivation, subtly feeling ashamed of not doing anything... I plan on finishing drinking all of this corn-tasting Korean green tea today. I have not said a word in 2.5 days and my apartment is very quiet and it is relaxing. I made chicken legs for dinner yesterday and I made eggs with salmon for breakfast. I have decided just now that I am going to take a short walk to try to re-focus on studying when I return. I feel like I have been receiving a lot of support lately in my journal, and I appreciate it.

I like that your goals include getting to know your neighbors and pushing yourself to socialize. I am not in that place yet.

Maybe you would be interested in reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo Tidying is a low-medium difficulty action that you can do in your home, and going through a full apartment cleansing can be very positive!

Today is day 109 without video games. I just studied for 3 hours and plan on studying for at least 3 more today. I am aiming for 5 more hours of studying. I drank an expensive Korean green tea today and will have another when I get back. I am currently taking a break and going to exfoliate and then go to the steam room in my building's gym and then back to studying. Stuff I acquired since my last journal post: Pink iPhone 7 for Christmas Bought myself wireless earbuds because I saw the price dropped by $50 which is what I had been waiting for Received $200 massage certificate Bought myself the laptop I was unsure about buying on eBay (it is capable of playing Maplestory 2...) for a good discount, I hope there is nothing wrong with it. Bought a cute case for the new iPhone My boyfriend bought me this new phone in part because he wanted me to stop using the free phone service I had (Freedompop) because it wasn't reliable. So now I will have an extra monthly expense for a phone bill which is not something I am very happy about. This free phone service doesn't work on the iPhone 7. Not paying phone service was a good way to make room in my budget. Just because I bought a laptop that is capable of playing Maplestory 2 does not mean I will play it. But it means I will have the option of doing so... I am leaning towards not playing Maplestory 2 though because of a gaming experience I had last year: A game called Tree of Savior came out, which was also very cute and so I was excited to play. The game play was fun at first, until the grind kicked in, after which I quit. It is a good thing I have 9 months or more to experience not gaming before having to face making the decision of whether or not to play Maplestory 2. I am excited to experience what life will be like once I don't have my free time fully booked with studying.

The conflict I am having in my head is that it makes sense to not play video games I don't like or want to play. But there is a less compelling reason to not play a video game that I want to play. I came into this a little bit differently than others I think, because I kept playing a game that made me mad (League of Legends) and played other games because it was a habit. Either way, I do not feel strongly one way or another about playing or not playing at the moment.