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d.manuk

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Posts posted by d.manuk

  1. Life is great! Been living in Dallas 6 months now. 

    I became Christian 3 weeks ago and it's been the most meaningful change in my life, probably ever. 
    I think religion should be added to the hobby list of things to try when quitting videogames. 

    It feels like I had a giant muscle laying dormant in me that I wasn't using until now and it's been a very transformative change in many aspects of my life. 

    • Like 2
  2. I am in a bad place mentally.

    I moved to Boston 3 years ago, right before Covid. I haven't found anyone I find attractive here and have basically fucked my way through most of the city, nor have I really found anyone I want to be friends with here. My job and gym here are really great, but the social aspect is really poor. I feel alone, and although I could go socialize it would be with most likely people I have little interest in and people I won't stay continue meeting up with long term so there seems to be little point. 

    I plan on moving to Dallas in 8 months when my lease is up, which I feel will be more promising, but that means I have to go through another grey winter (and it's already begun). The darkness is really what affects my mood. I like seeing sunshine flooding my apartment and it makes me happy. Being stuck in a place you don't want to be, and have plans to leave but need to wait, is difficult. 8 months is a long time. 

    In terms of gym, I've been making steady improvements. I've been having some knee and elbow issues. Knee issues my coach says is because of tight quads, elbow issues are supposedly just overuse from doing pullups. I took the weekend and also Monday off from the gym since I feel a bit worn down. I need to figure out how to do stretching/yoga regularly, I can't seem to be able to pick up the habit doing it at home.  

    • Like 1
  3. I've realized that it's really difficult for me to appreciate or enjoy social interactions while they are occurring. However, afterwards, I seem happier for having them and find myself regretting I wasn't able to feel more positively and appreciative as they were occurring.

     

    For example, sometimes when I hang out with my best friend I think to myself oh this isn't very fun and maybe that I want to go home. But afterwards, I find myself realizing that I had enjoyed it and wish I had been able to feel more positively during the experience. Compared to playing video games or other things I'd do alone, the social interactions with others have a more lasting positive impact afterwards rather than the fleeting contentment I have doing activities alone that I will likely not remember.

     

    I'm not sure how to fix this or why this is the case. I think I'm easily put off or made uncomfortable by small things that detract from my experience?

  4. Had such a good shroom trip this morning! 7g at 8am, I was having such a good time alone on the trails, I brought a pillow and blankets and barely encountered anyone else. I timed it perfectly with the weather and was patient this whole year for the right time I do it. The theme of my life this year has been "prepare."

     

    During the trip I was so happy and grateful for how well my life has been going the past few months. Since I decided to start TRT earlier this year, my life has been improving slowly but steadily and going the way I want it to ever since. I'm so happy about the way my mind, body, and finances are coming together.

    The only thing that's really missing is a boyfriend and maybe a close friend or two. This will be something that I'll work on next year since I plan to move to Texas once my lease is up. I've been preparing myself for the move by becoming more attractive by working on each of my physical flaws, and also by getting my finances in order for the move.

     

    I realized how grateful I am about my relationship with my coach at the gym since he's the person I interact with the most in my day-to-day life since I am otherwise a loner. I really respect him and find him very attractive, I decided to get him a gift card with $70 on it so he can buy the new god of war when it comes out on PS5 as a sign of my appreciation for him. He's younger than me but in my head he's my big brother. It would be fun to eat his ass haha

  5. I'm a strong believer that there's something in the undercurrent of consciousness that links us together. I haven't been able to call my great aunt the past few days and have been a little worried. There's been a tugging at my consciousness and I feel like it was her trying to reach out to me. She fell last week and has been in the hospital the past few days. I'm not able to figure out how to contact her but started the process of trying to get her phone number there.

  6. I got back this week from a 2+ week visit to Canada to visit my great aunt. She wasn't in great shape, her health noticeably declined.

    She was in pain 20% of the day, got sick easily, was more forgetful than ever before. It wasn't pleasant to visit her this time, whereas other times it wasn't nearly such a bad experience for me. Everything also seemed to be on the verge of breaking down in Canada, the whole country seemed like a total disaster this time. It was really an unpleasant trip.

    I do think it's possible that my aunt will live another 5 or even 10 years, but I hope that she doesn't. She seems ready to go, her body seems to be breaking down, it will be hard for me to watch her fall apart even more than she already is now. She's in a retirement home and the average lifespan of someone that goes into one is 6months-2 years, though there are obviously exceptions. She's already been there 8 months. I hope she passes away soon to be honest. It would also help me incredibly to receive my inheritance now rather than in 5 years... I really would like to move next year to Texas but it seems iffy if I will be able to afford it. The best memories I had with my great aunt are obviously over and I don't really want to watch/listen to her struggle to live a decent life. She's my only close family member that I have, and this is probably the only experience I'll have having a loved one die aside from maybe a future partner.

  7. I took a new body pic and the responses I got to it made me feel a lot more confident. Ended up having sex with 6 guys in 1 night.

     

    im about to start my first cycle and I’m excited

     

    getting on a plane tomorrow and nervous that my aunts financial advisor won’t let me get $20,000

  8. I went to a work party where a lot of people haven't seen me in person in a year or so. Some of the people commented that I look in shape and muscular.
    I don't really feel that way, I feel fat and skinny at the same time...

  9. I hooked up with a guy I liked today. Out of the hundreds of guys I've slept with since moving to Boston, he's only the second guy I quite liked. I need to stop sleeping with random guys just because they're convenient and available when I'm horny.
     

  10. I’m not a pleasant person and I’m pretty evil compared to most people. I’d probably be a thief and serial killer if video cameras weren’t invented yet. 
     

    I don’t care about anyone but myself and so it’s hard to get close to other people. The number of people I respect and find interesting can be counted on one hand.

  11. By not having an active social life, I feel like I'm wasting my life keeping to myself. The years are passing by and my youth is in its end stages.
    However, I don't have a strong desire to change my way of life.
    I also don't feel ready as I'm not done getting to my desired weight and also don't have a full understanding of my health issues surrounding my diet.

  12. I've gained 15lbs while staying the same 11% bodyfat over the past 2.5 months.
    I'm very happy and I plan on doing a cycle in 2-3 months. I wish I had responsibly done steroids instead of smoking so much weed as a teenager lol.

     

    My goal is to weigh 200lbs by the end of the year while staying at the same bodyfat, so I just need to gain 15 more lbs.

  13. When I was having issues in my relationship a few years ago, I realized I had reverted back into a lot of things that brought me comfort in my childhood. However, this also regressed my mindset back into being younger and more childlike as a way of coping with the trauma.

     

    I'd like to think that I'm at a point now where if I encounter a traumatic situation, I wouldn't revert to that childlike state as hard.

    • Like 2
  14. Goals for this year:


    make a male friend

    get to 195+ lbs and 12% bodyfat

    get more clarity on if I will move next year or not

    have a plan on getting a car by end of next year

    make a youtube video relating to my career

    gain 1 client at my job

  15. I need to decide if I want to be a long term top or bottom. Vers is fine but I tend to like strict roles.

     

    top benefits:

    alpha mindset

    im in charge and always right

    no need to prep body for sex

    Partner is essentially my slave

     

    top negatives:

    have to have a more feminine partner

     

    bottom benefits: 

    a strong person gets to take care of me

    i think I naturally prefer this role

    don’t need to lead and can take it easy

    less embarrassing to be vulnerable in this role

     

    bottom negatives:

    time consuming to prepare body for sex

    hard to find someone respectable to submit to

    age makes you much more vulnerable in a long term relationship if attracting alpha males 

    need to be subservient which affects other aspects of your personality

  16. Today is my last day in Dallas. I want to move here, but it would not be a smart idea to move just yet.


    Reasons I want to move:

    Sunny weather

    Best chance of finding a boyfriend is here in this city if I want to stay being a bottom


    Reasons why not to move:

    I currently make $87k per year and only work about 15 hours a week. This is the main reason for not moving. Unless I can purchase an apartment here, it's not worth moving here because I'd have a worse quality of life.

    Not sure if I want to be a bottom forever

    Scared my job here would be worse if I can't keep my current job
     

  17. Testosterone Replacement Therapy 2 Month Self-Reflection Post

     

    This is ~2 weeks before I do blood work and have my first check in with my docor.

     

    Pros: Makes it easier for me to gain weight and muscle but keep body fat. I've gained 10 lbs but my body fat has stayed the same (12%) and water level% is the same, I'm not bloated. It's not a miracle though and doesn't go super fast. I'm at 180lb now. I think it puts me on roughly the same level as someone with naturally higher than average testosterone like some of the teenagers I see on TikTok getting into fitness... not abnormal. I feel lucky that I have access to this kind of progress finally for the first time in my life after trying so hard in the gym for 10 years and feel like my hard work is finally catching up with this missing ingredient. I should be able to have a fit body soon.

     

    Neutral: The biggest change I've noticed is my music taste. I listen to a lot of music and my music has changed to be more aggressive. I'm just metal and hip hop now whereas before I used to enjoy a larger variety of genres including trance and some pop. I now strongly dislike any song with female vocals or whiny boys. 
    I think I'm becoming more traditionally masculine now, though kind of like a fuckboy. I feel like it's harder for me to be fake nice/polite to people I don't respect or like their appearance. What I used to be able to keep inside is now more likely to seep out. This does not bother me, though it may cause issues for me at some point.

    I'm more repulsed by women than ever before. I'm gay and have always only been attracted to masculinity and this has only been heightened even more to a point where I find it hard to take women seriously as equals.

    I feel like I always need to be working towards a goal now. I used to be able to go for a walk in nature and feel content and one with the spirit etc but now it feels pointless to do so. General everyday things that I used to enjoy (kind of like a woman) now seem pointless. This really just brings me to going to the gym and playing video games since those have an ingrained reward structure.

     

    Cons: The only negative side effect I'd complain about is that my face is flushed red most of the time. I've always had rosy cheeks but now it can look like I have a lightly sunburnt face. Bloodwork will likely show I need to give blood regularly. This side effect started showing up very early, I think even late week 2.

    Also I don't think I'm able to feel happiness as strongly as before. I'm more quietly content now, which is different.

    My libido has not improved at all, which has been disappointing. I'm on 200mg/week EOD + 500iu HCG.

    The residual lumps and swelling after injecting is a little annoying.

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