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JSmith

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  1. Captain's Log - JSmith | 8.7.2016 | Day 36 I'm tired as hell. But good day overall. Somehow managed to wake up on time despite getting only 3 hours of sleep last night. I would be inclined to think I might have some sort of mild sleeping issue if I knew where it was coming from. It feels different every time. I was also struggling with allergies, actually that might have been the main reason. I'm honestly getting pissed off with that, trying a bunch of over the counter meds that AT BEST only keep my allergies at a reasonable level. Spent 17 bucks on some fancy new nasal spray that does jack all. 17 bucks??? My 30 day Zyrtec is four dollars, and at least that does SOMETHING. Going to the infirmary tomorrow...again. It's probably all the damn grass they're cutting on campus. They care SO much about how the grass looks...STOP THIS MADNESS, YOUR STUDENTS ARE DYING. I'm sorry, that's tiredness speaking. I'm gonna keep this one short. All goals done, moar Solidworks, engineering lab seems adequate, only one who showed up for karate today but I had some fun, uhhhhh going to add a counter to persuade me to keep training. Consecutive karate practices attended without skipping: 4 Perfect so far since August, woop. Still apparently suffering from some sort of super delayed post-breakup stress, embarassingly so :(. I don't get why, ever since I stopped talking to that girl I've just been so OFF, ugh. Probably not helping that I keep watching sappy YT vids of long-distance couples meeting for the first time. They're so cute though. I'm an idiot. Goals for Tomorrow: Too tired for GOALS...I have the next two days off. 1. Go outside. 2. Hit the lab again. Finish yesterday's tutorial, complete another one. 3. Damn, karate again tomorrow. I-I mean, YES. More exercise! Things I'm thankful for: 1. Engineering computer lab (dem Solidworks frame rates) 2. Amazing real life graphics. Got some cool phone pics yesterday but too lazy to retrieve them. Maybe tomorrow. 3. Cool water. The fountain in the gym was warm for some reason D: Can't wait to reread this trainwreck tomorrow.
  2. Captain's Log | 8.6.2016 | Day 35 What a damn productive day. Literally the first major thing I did after waking up was opening Solidworks and starting on the first tutorial. Set my focus timer going for two Pomodoros. Completed the entire lesson after two hours. Six pomodoros straight. Just queued one after the other, was far too into the lesson for taking breaks or stopping. And I have to say the results were pretty awesome to see. The objective was to design and then create a 2D drawing of a pressure plate. I was pretty far into the design phase when I figured I might want to share some pictures with you all, so here's a screenshot of me adding some final touches: Fillets are curved inserts placed in between welded pieces or sharp edges. They are designed to help distribute load bearings against the weld or make the part safer to handle by humans. Very interesting stuff. You can see the fillets I put in previously around the bottom disk of the plate and the six cylinder edges and intersecting ring; I put the final ones around the inside and outside dotted lines. Voila! My first mechanical part design! I feel like an engineer already haha. Oh but it gets better! The second part of the tutorial was on displaying your part on a 2D drawing in all sorts of interesting ways. On the far left you see a top down view of the pressure plate including centerlines and dimensions. "THRU" indicates the middle circle piercing through the entire part, while "6x" just indicates a replication of the cylinder with equal dimensions. Section A-A shows a cross-section of the part through the middle line in the top-down view, which I then zoomed in on the hollow cylinder for DETAIL B. Y'all probably don't care about any of this haha, but I love it. the drawing makes it look so official. Finally I'm doing something more REAL. I've heard in the past that oftentimes engineering in industry is much different than what you learn and do in the classroom. School is a decent place to learn the basic concepts but industry is where the real work happens. Using programs like this. It's nice to have my foot in the water. But it gets even BETTER! The major downside of using the virtual computers for Solidworks is the choppy frames while designing, since the vPC's are low spec. But I learned from a staff member that the computer lab in our engineering building has computers built to the task! I'll be seeing for myself tomorrow...if it's open. Anyways I used that forward momentum to get the rest of my goals completed for the day. Shopping followed directly by laundry, room cleaning, then checking off on four of my to-do list tasks. Took most of the day, but it's all done. Rewarded myself with pizza and a movie. Good job, me haha. Got hit with a wave of nostalgia on the way back to my dorm from shopping. It was over EA's Star Wars: The Old Republic game. Now I am a HUGE Star Wars fan, capable of reciting the Sith Code (not the Jedi Code, because it's whack) and many quotes from various episodes (yes including the new one) by memory, and I loved SWTOR. The technical quality and endgame was complete garbage for an MMO, but I loved just diving into the story driven elements and the SW universe, and being a neutral/dark Jedi haha. What upset me the most was that last time I checked the site (not recently!), they were still releasing new story patches, and I'm missing out on them. I know I'm doing the right thing with the detox; I need to stick through this, especially with school. But I'm still kinda pissed off I can't enjoy the things I love. It's not just "another video game" for me, it's FREAKING STAR WARS. But I digress. Have work all afternoon followed by karate right after so I'll have to keep tomorrow low key. Goals for Tomorrow: 1. Check out the engineering computer lab before work. 2. Solidworks practice, 1 pomodoro 3. A Brief History of Time reading, 1 pomodoro 4. Novel writing, 1 pomodoro 5. Attend karate class. One pomodoro per activity feels like nothing. But it IS actually more than nothing, so good enough. Things I'm thankful for: 1. Domino's delivery. Free medium pizza after one more order. 2. Fast response on the staff member email. He even offered additional personal-made tutorials and training. I can see now why he's the advisor for 3D Print Club. 3. It not raining until right after I got back to the dorm. For once the weather was on my side.
  3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KK_kzrJPS8 I agree.
  4. Captain's Log | 8.5.2016 | Day 34 Today kinda sucked. I mean it did and it didn't. Only 3/6 goals completed today. Made it through the morning, got to work on time. Today we made water balloons for a toss event. But barely anyone showed up so we ended up just "tossing" the balloons at each other. Initially I wanted to back out, since I'm not really a water person, but figured "eh, why not just go with the flow, just try to have fun for once". I really did try, but that water was so damn cold...it was like a mini shock each time I got hit. By the end I was soaked just like my other co-workers, but I wasn't feeling "alive" or anything crazy. I felt like I was mostly just "there". Not my thing. The exhaustion from last night didn't hit me until after lunch. But it hit like a truck. 0 pomodoros done. Was far too tired to do any studying or practice. Watched a movie just to keep my eyes open, since if I napped it would screw up my sleep schedule. Answered another question on Quora, this time related to both aerospace and Elon Musk, which to my surprise blew up. Within minutes it had 240+ views and a few upvotes. Now it's at 364 and 10 upvotes. Fastest response I've ever seen from a post of mine. If you're curious you can read it here: https://www.quora.com/How-did-Elon-Musk-teach-himself-rocket-science-just-by-reading-books/answer/Jeremiah-Smith-9 as well as my other answers (shameless promotion XD). By no means do I want to be a Quora star or anything, I just see space related questions on my feed and if there's one that I so OBVIOUSLY know the answer to without a billion other responses I'll go for it. It's a fun experience. Realizing you actually know enough to answer questions feels great. Unfortunately the site does serve as a type of "mental masturbation" as Cam put it in his video, since sometimes it can really be "AMAZING" life advice overload. Debating whether or not I'll continue using it in the future. Otherwise didn't really do anything else. I did go to karate though. It was a hot mess but at least I showed up. Another kyu (rank) exam coming up in about a month, so I really need to make sure I'm going to every class. In fact, I probably have tonight's class to thank for me not falling asleep at my desk right now. As for tomorrow...well over the week my to-do list has grown quite a bit, and it's also time for laundry, room tidying and supplies shopping (which for me involves a nice walk across campus to Price Chopper, which I don't mind but takes up time). And now I feel as if I need to make up for the missed pomodoros, but I'll let that go, since it just adds stress. I'm also not sure how to organize daily goals anymore. The amount of free time I have every day is different, so I can't just do the same tasks daily and keep bumping the numbers. But I feel like if I do just a little bit of everything I won't make fast enough progress. I'm probably jumping the gun. Gonna use tomorrow to reevaluate things, I'm just too tired right now for problem solving. Goals for Tomorrow: 1. Clean room (it's not MESSY, just a bunch of little things...freaking entropy) 2. Shopping 3. Laundry 4. Complete at least ONE task from the list 5. Solidworks practice, 2 pomodoros Solidworks is most likely the most important thing for me right now, so I'm gonna get started on that at least. Things I'm Thankful for: 1. Music. Definitely keeps me going. 2. No gaming nostalgia today. Too busy thinking about...other stuff. 3. Karate friends who give me car rides back to my dorm. Saves time and I don't have to walk through the forest at night haha.
  5. Would you mind elaborating on some of those standards, if you don't mind? I'm really curious!
  6. Captain's Log - JSmith | 8.4.2016 | Day 33 FOUND SOLIDWORKS!!!!!!! It's available through the virtual computer service on campus. I downloaded VMware Horizons and logged in to the engineering computers, which turn out to have MANY different engineering related programs, including Solidworks 2015 XD. Anyways, gonna try to make this short since I'm only getting 7 hours sleep tonight and I was held up from posting by the aforementioned discovery. Didn't get up at 7:30 unfortunately. I went to bed on time, however was stirred awake by a certain, um, unexpected situation that needed tending to. Needless to say it took away some sleep time, but it didn't matter since I almost immediately figured I wouldn't be getting up at 7:30. For the future I'll try to be more proactive so such situations don't happen again. Otherwise 5/6 on goals for the day. The double Pomodoros went well; I wasn't even really looking to take a break in between, I just wanted to knock em out, and I did. Focus might not have been 100% though, as they were completed during my work shift. Did the best I could tuning out the noise. The Masterclass was...interesting. The meditation session was relaxing, but I can't say I'm totally on board with energy field vibrations or archangels or chakras...or levitating (literally the guide said she saw someone levitate during a meditation session, I kinda lost interest after that). Messed around with Zbrush a little bit after, built a cool looking spaceplane out of cubes. Took my bupropion right around noon with zero side effects, which is a good sign I think. The 7 hour sleep dream is dead. Just had to answer a work call. Who locks themselves out of their room at this hour???? Incoming Freshman, that's who. Goals for Tomorrow: 1. Survive the morning. I actually need to get up early enough to eat before my morning shift, can't afford to snooze this time. 2. A Brief History of Time reading, 2 pomodoros 3. Solidworks practice, 2 pomodoros 4. Novel writing, 1 pomodoro (2 if time permits) 5. Attend karate class. Don't have to kick ass, just show up. 6. Complete journal entry. Things I'm grateful for: 1. No more overnights 2. SOLIDWORKS 3. Good dining hall food today.
  7. From one aspiring Mechanical Engineer to another, I bid you hello! Your story resonated with me in a lot of ways. Especially with the part about feeling at a higher level in games than in the real world. Looking forward to hearing more, and good luck with your Masters (I'm still working on BSE haha).
  8. I'm trying, but it's so hard because I feel like I'm not really accomplishing anything. I still have this hardcore student mentality where I only feel worthwile if I've spent like 5+ hours straight working on something. I know quality is more important than quantity, but it's still there.
  9. Captain's Log - JSmith | 8.3.2016 | Day 32 Another successful and productive day. All goals completed. I can't say I feel super excited at the end of the day with my progress; these days have felt mostly normal. But I am glad just to be building momentum. Just took a look at my work schedule. They've got my shifts planned for the next three weeks. Some morning shifts coming up around early arrivals. This will be an opportunity for me to get used to going to bed and getting up even earlier. 10:30pm and 6:30am is the goal for the semester. I might do the hour shift during my next couple days off or something, since I'm currently at 11:30/7:30. I kinda want this summer job to end already, honestly. I just want to focus on being a student. Ironically, as the break comes to a close my work schedule will intensify. I've already been told I'll be working 8 hour shifts all through move-in weekend, and then classes the following Monday...at least I get paid. Felt like I was coming on to another headache as work started today, but then it vanished. That was a relief. Hopefully my body's getting more used to the bupropion regimen. Wasn't feeling super up to karate tonight, but I still went. And I'm really glad I did. Recieved some excellent tips from sensei on an important kata, and I witnessed another student recieve her black belt. It was super inspiring. Sensei had her stand up and put it on in front of all of us, then promptly reminded us that while making 1st Dan is something to be proud of, it's not a super big deal as it's really just the beginning of your training. Still, I would like that to be me someday. Kinda regretting taking on the additional overnight shift tomorrow. Friday morning is going to be...tough. Still figuring out how I'm going to tackle this, time-wise. Goals for Tomorrow: 1. Up at 7:30. No excuses. 2. Read A Brief History of Time for 40 minutes. 3. Work on novel plot summary for 40 minutes. I'm graduating myself to two Pomodoro sessions. I have plenty of time throughout the day so I believe this is achievable. It doesn't seem like a lot, but the amount of work I get done in a session of 20 focused working minutes is pretty good I think. If I just stare at a book for an hour I'll definitely end up wasting time at some point, usually daydreaming or using my phone. This helps me hunker down. And I'll be better prepared for when I have real studying to do. 4. Watch and participate in tomorrow night's Masterclass in full. It's some odd thing suggested to me by an email blogger, something about clearing lingering emotional traumas and moving on from past events. Resonated with me so I'll give it a shot. Terminology kinda scares me though (violet flame transmutation???). 5. Do something 2D/3D design related for at least 20 minutes. Might tinker around with FreeCAD some more, or give Zbrush a try. My thanks to @paulogallo for the inspiration. Still thinking about ways to get my hands on Solidworks. That's the crown jewel for me. I wonder if there's an open lab somewhere on campus that has it. 6. Complete another journal entry. Things I'm grateful for: 1. A sensei with 45 years of teaching experience. He obviously knows what he's talking about. 2. Self-awareness, and consciousness. I think, therefore I am. 3. Making bank all the way until the first day of classes. Oh no, it looks like I'll have to do something useful with all this pay, since my detox doesn't end until October...poor me.
  10. Hey Reno. How has your experience been in Japan? It's my dream to travel there someday; the culture is so interesting to me, and I've even thought about what it would be like to live there as well. I'll be taking a Japanese class this semester to start getting ready haha.
  11. Thanks for the recommendation! It was very inspiring seeing the progress he made over time. Maybe I should pick it up and try building a lightsaber (<-- Star Wars nerd).
  12. This is all incredible stuff. I REALLY like the sword haha.
  13. Those are some outstanding photos. Especially the 3rd one.
  14. Captain's Log - JSmith | 8.2.2016 | Day 31 Successful day by all measures. Woke up on time, cleaned up the room a little, had a good breakfast, then went right to work on accomplishing my goals for the day. Meeting with the Dean was quick and painless. Hawking's lesson on particle/antiparticle pairs undergoing energy transformations inside black holes was hella confusing but an interesting read. Made progress on my book summary; 15 pages of plot plot plot and I still have so much to flesh out, it's crazy. Writing a novel is crazy, and I haven't even really started. Had the most killer headache after finishing. At first I thought I just needed to eat, but it was far too intense to be just another hunger headache. Had to lay down on the couch for a half hour before counseling. Maybe it's because of the bupropion I took about an hour beforehand. I hadn't taken it in a couple weeks because my sleep schedule was far too crazy and I wasn't up in the mornings when I should have been taking it. Need to maintain this morning's routine so I can get back on regimen. My counselor seemed quite content with all the changes I told him I've been making recently. But it's important that I develop consistency as the school year approaches. Saw this girl at the cash register for our campus store. I've seen her throughout my last semester visits as well. She's so pretty. Finally managed to say a few words to her. Then a supervisor showed up to help with a scanning issue so I refrained from saying more haha. Spent some time after wondering if we would actually be compatible at all. Only one way to find out I guess. Finished my tasks early so I spent most of the evening messing around with some free CAD software. As an aspiring engineer, 2D/3D design is a skill I will definitely need to learn eventually, so why not start now. I hear Solidworks is better but my computer might not be powerful enough for that. Was getting a little frustrated at the tutorials though, since on a couple occasions the program seemed to react differently than what the videos displayed. All in good time. Goals for Tomorrow: 1. Out of bed at 7:30. 2. Read A Brief History of Time for 20 minutes. 3. Work on novel plot summary for 20 minutes. 4. Attend karate class. Oh yes, it's that time. 5. Complete a journal entry. I'll leave it at this. Between work, a staff meeting and karate I don't want to try and up things just yet. Things I'm thankful for: 1. Breakfast in the morning. My favorite meal. 2. Feeling calmer. No super highs, but no super lows either. 3. The girl at the cash register's smile. She probably does that to everyone, but it felt good to receive, even for just a half second.
  15. I agree with this. Very insightful video. Personally I find myself looking at so much self-help I get overwhlemed with all the information and trying to connect the dots into one big "how to live life" mental collection, like I'm chasing some feeling of complete preparation or something. And I definitely feel as if I hear a lot of the same advice nowadays, since I've been reading up on these things for years. I need to just take action and start building momentum towards my goals.
  16. Captain's Log - JSmith | 8.1.2016 | Day 30 30 days. I'm surprised I made it this far, but not really at the same time. Trickling down from playing predictable and clearly toxic money sapping mobile games to nothing didn't exactly trigger my brain into desperate urges, but I was also expecting things to hit the floor every once in a while. Which they haven't really. I've certainly had urges, moments of strong nostalgia, but nothing threatening to push me over the edge. I think the worst that's happened is me occasionally looking over hardware sites trying to think about what kind of pc gaming rig I could ever buy with the money I was saving up from working this summer. I had this perfect list of everything I would buy and how much it would cost, and I would even have plenty of money left for school expenses, so financially speaking, it's totally feasible. I threw the list away, since it was only making me miss gaming even more. I think I'll stay away from those sites for now. Just another activity I've crossed off the list... Today has been a successful day by all accounts. After this post I will have completed all the goals I set forth for myself "yesterday". Surprisingly, I had some trouble sleeping after I finished that first post. I thought journal writing would calm my brain down, but it seemd to have the opposite effect. I was tossing and turning in bed, mainly thinking about my old online girlfriend I haven't "been" with for almost a year and a half (also the only girlfriend I've ever had, if that even counts...). I just contacted her about a week ago, wanting to close off amiably on things after how negatively they ended so long ago, and yet I ended up with all these strange feelings. It was almost as if I wanted things to go back to the way they were, even though I know several reasons why it's a bad idea. I've never even met her for goodness sake. I refuse to do online again, it's just not real enough for me. Eventually I just told her I was leaving, since it seemed impossible to move on from the past and be friends. So no more Skype, or GroupMe. Another thing crossed off...that was a couple days ago. I also deleted my Facebook and Twitter, since I don't even use them. Woke up eventually, got cleaned up for work. Spent four hours stuffing keys in envelopes for college move in day. So riveting. Karate was intense. It felt like my body was lagging behind for not training in four days, but I seemed to manage fine overall. My instructor complimented me on a kata (form) we did in class, said it was one of the best looking kata he had seen me do in a while. Made me feel pretty good. I'm very analytical and tend to be overly-critical about myself, so it's important that I remember moments like these to remind myself that I am making meaningful progress. Karate has basically been that activity that I use to replace gaming; it's a fun way to get physically fit while providing an outlet for that competitive side of me I used to indulge with video games. I have a box of trophies and medals from last year's tournaments. Not to mention the progression system. Immediately read A Brief History of Time upon returning to my room. 20 minutes of focused reading (using Pomodoro, it's just one session haha) and I felt like I covered more than usual for such a short period. Typically I try to get these goals done during work, but downtime is not always predictable, and my focus suffers. It's not a full time job, or super intense, but it can have its moments (like today). Unfortunately I was asked if I could pick up a final overnight shift for Thursday, which I guess was abandoned for some reason. My initial internal reaction was hell no, but it does fit in my schedule and I am getting paid, and I am a nice guy so...screw it. And now I'm here. 4/4 Done! Goals for Tomorrow: 1. Out of bed before or at 7:30. Even if exhausted. 2. Visit the Dean of Students office before my counseling session. Two weeks late on a very important task. 3. Read A Brief History of Time for 20 minutes. 4. Work on my book summary for 20 minutes. I have lots more time tomorrow, this is too easy. 5. Let my Dad know about the move in date for next semester. Actually I just did that. One down already! 6. Complete another journal entry. These goals are super simple, but it's a foundation for which hopefully I can consistently complete and expand upon for making daily progress towards my ambitions, without feeling too overwhelmed. Things I am thankful for: 1. Four extra hours of pay this week. 2. Karate club. A way to get healthy I actually like. 3. I can't remember this one. Oh well, I'm trying here.
  17. That should be a unique enough journal name. Day 29. Yep, starting 29 days behind technically. I haven't played any games since 7/2. In an hour and 15 minutes from writing these words it'll be day 30 so hopefully I don't take too long with this one, although a brief catchup seems appropriate. I was only intending to try one month of no gaming whatsoever; it's been a long time since I played a computer game but I've been still playing mobile games like crazy, wasting a ton of time. Plus that on top of watching gaming videos/streams kept me in the loop, but also fueled my urge to continue playing one day, if I could get my hands on another gaming computer. But enough was enough. It's been 29 days since I dropped everything, just wanting to see what would happen. I've never tried stopping all the way, and it's been an interesting experience so far. I thought maybe a month would be enough time for me to simmer down and maybe figure things out. But that doesn't seem to be the case. One day left and I still get urges to play, and I don't feel much better about where I am in my life currently, or where I should be headed. So screw it. I'm committing to the full 90 day detox. That means 9/30 is now the goal (damn 31 day months making the math difficult, please correct me if I made an error). The fact that it ends one month into next semester makes me a little uneasy, but having it be the last day of September does give it a nice close. Something about first/last days, I don't know, I just like it haha. Never did an online journal before, hmm. I guess I'm doing this because A) I simply need more time. Honestly I was so into gaming in the past there's a part of me that wanted to consider doing it professionally. Getting the gaming computer of my dreams, playing some awesome games, sharing my experiences online through Youtube/Twitch/etc., making people laugh, and eventually making a living, like some people do. But come on, that's a big switch. People have definitely done it, and it's given me some hope that such a lifestyle would be possible, but is that really the kind of life I want to live, or is it the kind of life my brain wants to live? Yes I watched the video. I'm in college right now, chasing this degree, riding on the hopes of some insane dream I conjured up sometime between my first year and now. Sure it hasn't been going all that well but it's still a very good opportunity for me overall. I need to make absolutely sure. I'm also doing this because of B) the accountability factor I suppose. Having something online for others to see may be more motivating for me in the long run. I also am drawn towards C) the community on this site. I don't think I would ever share this much information about my gaming history with people I know. I feel like they would be far too judgemental, and most wouldn't really understand anyways. But this place gives me a good vibe. I feel like I have more in common with everyone here. But enough of all that. Today has been pretty uneventful. I woke up this morning not feeling very driven to do, well, anything to be honest. When I quit all gaming I tried to fill that gap with a few goals I wanted to accomplish on a daily basis: 1. Reading something aerospace related. Small steps everyday to building spaceships, am I right? For now that's A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. (It's ABOUT space...) 2. Working on my book idea. I've always wanted to write a novel. And I've had this really specific plot in my head since I was in middle school, but only worked on it in super short bursts. 3. Consistently practicing my karate. That means going to every class, all four nights a week. That brown belt isn't gonna earn itself. 4. Writing a journal. Daily implies regularly. Not sporadically. If I had stuck to this one, maybe I'd be in a far better place metacognitively. But diving deep is HARD. I didn't do any of those today, well except for the last one (if I can finish before twelve that is). I didn't sleep very well and kinda just lounged around after getting back from overnight duty. Luckily last night was the last time I'll have to do any work past 11pm so hopefully I can get a more balanced schedule going before the semester hits. But that doesn't mean I completely wasted my time. What did I actually do: 1. Spend a considerable amount of time here actually. I poked through a few journals, including reading all of Joe's entries, since his experience was highlighted on the site. Took a quick look at Think and Grow Rich and The Slight Edge. They both seem like great reads, but I can only take things one book at a time. Maybe one of those are more important. I was going to comment on his thread, since everything I'm reading here has pushed me to make this, but I was feeling a little shy. Working on that. 2. Feeling good about the profile pic I chose. That's a Saturn V rocket by the way, in case anyone was dying to know...(I might switch it up with a Space Shuttle pic if it doesn't hold) 3. Did laundry. Sometimes I can procrastinate on things like these, but I knocked it out. 4. Watched a cool Youtube video on Elon Musk's opening of the Tesla Gigafactory. It was so inspiring. Everything that dude does is inspiring. But inspiration is nothing without habit, I know. So maybe this doesn't count. 5. Answered a question on Quora about Space Travel. Quora is awesome, like really. If nobody reading this has heard of it, I seriously recommend it. It's like, Yahoo Answers, but better in EVERY possible way. And being able to finally contribute my opinions and knowledge to topics I care about, after years of just reading, feels pretty good. Go check it out! So perhaps the day was actually somewhat productive. I just wish I had stuck to my daily goals, since I know over time those hours will add up and help me realize success. I might be doing too much at once though. I think I'll try starting off simpler. Goals for tomorrow: 1. Take a shower. Yes, I can have those days, if I don't care enough. 2. Read A Brief History of Time for 20 minutes. 3. Attend Karate class. 4. Complete another journal entry. Things I am thankful for: 1. Clean clothes 2. Being young. I might be in a weird funk now, but at least I know I still have plenty of time to improve. Time is on my side, for now. Better make the most of it. 3. The opportunity of higher education. Not everybody has this privilege. Some people say college doesn't matter all that much in the general sense, but at least I have the option. Thanks again if you actually read through everything. I tend to get really anxious with long posts. Appreciate any and all feedback. Aaaand it's 12:03, so day 30! Happy August 1st everyone haha. (Gotta work on my speed, I haven't even proofread yet...)
  18. Hello Everyone, JSmith here. Bear with me please. I've had my eye on this site for a few weeks now, watched many of the youtube videos but was unsure of whether or not I wanted to get directly involved. My history with gaming at this point is rather long and complicated. I've been playing games since I was 7 or 8. First it was little online game websites with the occasional low key store bought game, then Runescape in middle school, then The Sims, then all of a sudden I gave into the pressure of a friend who wanted me to try this game called World of Warcraft for so long, then...rest is history. I played WoW and other games because it was a metric crap ton of fun, but I also went through a lot of changes in high school, a lot of things happened. I'm pretty sure towards the end I was playing it as both a source of fun and a coping mechanism because I didn't want to deal with all the junk going on in my life. I didn't realize how bad it was until I went to college. I was doomed from the start. I was dismissed after my first year, and spent a year away while trying to get back in. It was complete hell (different story). I still played games while doing basically only what was absolutely required to get the grades I needed; I had no intention of quitting because I still needed them just to get by everyday. I was finally readmitted and returned a year ago thinking that just because I left my gaming computer at home everything would be okay. Not exactly. The problem is when you suddenly cut off that coping mechanism now you have to deal with all the problems you buried deep inside, except you have no idea of how. Fell into depression quickly after returning. Or maybe I was already depressed for quite a while, and just wasn't aware of it. One thing I really struggled with was trying to find a relationship, since I had never really been with anyone, and not for lack of trying. And social anxiety. I am a huge introvert. I tried my best to find other activities. Joined the karate club at school. Signed up with the aerospace organization as well (mechanical engineering major) and even completed a team design project. These activities made me feel good, and the benefits have been outstanding. I also sought out counseling for my depression. But I still struggled with bad habits, including getting heavily into mobile games (Crusaders Quest anyone? More like Addiction Quest. You can spend countless hours AND dollars playing a phone game now, what the hell...) and even turning to roleplaying sites to fill my desire to have a girlfriend, since trying in real life didn't seem to be working at all. But both of those, while offering some instant satisfaction and feel good moments, have also led to immense pain and setbacks. I had to drop a few classes just to keep my gpa high enough to stay, which has delayed my graduation. Now it's nearing the end of the summer. I've been working at a job on campus, mainly to avoid having to go back home (again different story), and I've been trying to figure myself out. I'm not sure what it is I want or am supposed to be doing anymore. I'm confused as to if I really care about games or am just addicted. I know I was addicted in the past, but I even gave away my gaming rig, yet I still struggled in school, and I still miss those days. But I also have never really tried quitting all the way either. At the start of July I decided to let everything go completely; no mobile games, no gaming streams/videos, no roleplaying, and see how I felt in a month. That was 27 days ago...and I still feel like I'm on a fence. But after reading on here and watching the videos, maybe a month is not enough, so I suppose IF I decided to do the full 90-day detox, I'd be on day 27. Anyways, school starts again in about a month and I really want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for me, and not wasting any more time or money. I've tried talking to people, watching many many motivational videos, reading countless blogs/forums, and journaling to figure out what my values are and what I really care about in the world, and what I want to do with my life. But I'm still unsure. I had a dream for something I wanted to do career-wise, but I'm not sure I believe in it enough to go all the way. And now I'm here. This seems like a really awesome and supporting community, perhaps it's what I need. Thanks for reading if you made it this far haha. - JSmith
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