byrdmath

I gamed this week... and not in moderation, which is the real issue i'm having with it. If it was what would have amounted to like 5 or 6 hours in the past month i wouldn't have even thought twice, and just moved on. but it was like most of 2 days... so... I feel really low. Before the relapse i got really depressive, like hours of crying for "no reason" depressive. it lasted on-and-off all day a few days before i picked up a game. Of course, the gaming numbed it. But now that i'm stepping away, i feel super drained and cruddy. I'm trying to stay engaged with my very demanding work. I should be checking email at night and i'm not. I hide from my email and just game. I feel all over the place. I know i can focus and move forward. Prior to this something was bothering me a lot. I was also focused on my job, and not on my own stuff. All my personal equity projects were going by the wayside. I think i'm just an entrepreneur at heart, and no matter what i'm doing, if i'm working on someone else's project and not my own business part of me will always feel unsettled and unfulfilled. Maybe that's what has to change. Maybe i just start working harder towards that long term goal and i'll feel less heavy about it. I don't know. Right now i just need to focus on the next steps for after a relapse and move on.

It depends on what resources you have at your disposal. Learning the foundations of drawing is helpful. There are online resources, and going to a local class or workshop is helpful. Community colleges have affordable drawing classes at flexible times. Buying a book on drawing could be helpful. I took a lot of art courses in high school, and then went to college for fine art. If you learn all the foundations you can do anything. There's this awesome school that teaches a seriously solid approach to drawing and painting: https://www.wattsatelier.com/ I recommend them for sure. You can also catch some of Jeff Watts videos on youtubes. If you want to do digital drawing/painting http://www.ctrlpaint.com/ is a great website. There's nothing like learning in a studio with a teacher and other students though, cause then you're physically there which adds a lot, and they have critique and you get all the individual attention of a professor. hope this helps, @Bladezz

Aw thanks Remigjus. I guess from reading and watching other fantasy stuff. I also spend time writing down ideas when they come into my mind. Treat yourself like George Lucas and write down all your ideas like they could turn into Star Wars someday. haha. I guess once i do that, i have all these weird ideas sitting around, then i l pick what i want to draw, look up some image references and sketch them. Once i have sketches, then i can pick what i want to work into finished pieces. Here's something else I did a few years ago, if you like the fantasy art...

Here's what i did today, rather than game: The most difficult part of a dangerous quest is knowing what must be done. Ink, Gouache and watercolor in moleskine sketchbook

I have kept busy... drew more today. Haven't used games this week. I had some real downers, though. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Not much more to say than that. here's a link to what i did today rather than game: http://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/1815-byrdmaths-artistic-dexterity-build/#comment-14332

My mood (negative and anxious) didn't change much yesterday but i pushed through all day and made it to the end... I even meditated and exercised to combat the brainfog during work hours. I DID end up drinking a bunch of bourbon at night before going to sleep which was escapist, but at least i spent time reading instead of gaming (the two usually always went together - i know it's not advisable to do what's associated with the other when trying to quit). The drinking is pretty lame considering it's going to take days for it's effects to flush out of my system. I usually get sluggish the day after, and experience pangs for more drank over the following 2 nights. I'll do better next time. It's all good. It's all progress. I'm mindful of my setbacks and i will continue on unabashed! I'm reading about comics this morning before work. The Complete Guide to Self Publishing Comics has some really great tips on every aspect of making comics... page layout, and how to implement thumbnails most effectively, etc... It's great! I recommend it. I also observe that making myself read about processes and subject matter i'm interested in helps to change my mental focus away from the stuff i'm trying to avoid. It's something i have to remember for moments of temptation. I'm going to keep texts on my most inspiring subject matter close at hand through this process.

I love putting up safety nets for myself like you're describing here. I've used open DNS to block so much stuff... both time wasters and pornography. It really is satisfying, and i share that feeling of happiness that comes with making those changes. Keep it up. So great to read other people's victories!

thx 4 da wordz (internet talk) but srsly

Yesterday was probably one of the lowest/most tumultuous moods yet. So bad. I was sort of in-hibernation all morning... but i made myself go out on a dinner date with my wife to our friend's house in the evening.. had a pretty good time. But the morning was bad. I could barely control my emotions. I just sort of let them go through me and allowed myself to process what i was feeling. I hope i don't have many more days like that. I could barely keep it together. I think this might be because i'm in the process of quitting multiple vices at once... I think it's withdraw... how i feel super drastically bad sometimes. It's all going to be worth it. Reading other people's stories of how much their lives have improved over time is really helping. Also making myself get up and move around helps.

Hey... wow. I so relate to your struggle, as many others on these forums can, too. Just keep going. I am proud of you and anyone else who is taking such ownership of their decisions up till now, and choosing how they want to live going forward. It's a challenge, but not insurmountable. Building towards goals in your real life, avoiding these escapes is going to pay of huge for us. I recently quoted this in my recent post where i sort of had a moment of clarity (lots of brain fog lately while trying to quit)... "I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal" - Groucho Marx Working towards these substantial goals in the real world is what's going to allow us to be fed, nurtured, and fulfilled. Here's the quote in context: Anyway, keep up the good work.

Today i was considering the yearning to run from reality and escape into games, and the consequences of indulging in that escape, especially over prolonged periods. It's so interesting that as you spend more and more time ignoring your reality and the things that it's composed of, the less appealing your reality becomes... both because you become comfortable in the habit of not dealing with it all, and because over time your life falls into disrepair which makes it harder to return to. You get focused on the micro goals and rewards of the game, and forget about the tangible and spiritual rewards which time and effort pay... It's so strange that in giving into cravings to neglect your reality you're actually cheating yourself out of the possibilities of traveling to amazing places, experiencing incredible relationships with people, working as an entrepreneur, building your personal equity in the real world... possibly towards cool stuff like early retirement. Living there, building there - in the real world - affords you the opportunity to physically establish awesome stuff and become engaged on a spiritual level which can lead to fulfillment no game can offer. So, just now, I was reading about Groucho Marx - An amazing comedian everyone should check out - and i read this quote of his: "I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal." This is so profound to me. Think about it.

Thanks, hycnijsy. I'd say i spent about 2 hours on the one with the lady holding the little guy, and about an hour/15minutes on the one with the girl smoking.. they just started as sketches. ehhh... not enough. I really need to do it more regularly.

Also i'm in this show this Friday if anyone lives in the Philly area...

Did this before work this morning... Ink and Watercolor sketch Don't smoke around birds. They think it's cool, and the second hand smoke will cause them harm... especially the canaries.

Doing pretty well. I've been kinda brain foggy, but i'm not using games and i'm having some ups. I drew more this week... Working on 2 paintings. I drew something that entertained me this morning. This Friday, June 24th, I'm in an art show in Horsham, PA at the Scatterjoy Center for the Arts (305 Horsham Road) Opening Reception from 5-7:30 pm... if anyone lives around there... For update on what i drew this morning, see my thread under the arts section: http://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/1815-byrdmaths-artistic-dexterity-build/

Thanks so much for this good reminder, WorkInProgress. I will remember this as i move forward.

I met some friends after work on Friday and drank a little too much. Felt gross the next day. This led to feelings of depression, guilt, and anxiety. Forgot to take magnesium since i was in such a fog. That is proven effective for negative thoughts during hangovers. But what the heck!? Why would i get hung over in the first place? FYI, i am definitely not the kind of person that has made a habbit of this. I'm especially going to avoid this, as it's a trigger to wanting to game for sure... I mean, it's not good for you anyway, so i'm avoiding it for lots of reasons. Anyway, I resolve to stay mindful of what i'm eating and drinking during this detox so i can stay feeling healthy and thinking healthy. I cleaned up around the house and cooked for my wife yesterday. I didn't finish any artwork... though i framed one of older my pieces when i remembered i was participating in a small show this week. I also practiced digital painting. Man, that's challenging for me... all the options in digital painting programs make it hard to focus or something. So many tools available. I have to simplify my toolset and rely on my foundation knowledge so i don't get sidetracked by all of it. I noticed yesterday that when i hit those especially hard challenges (like with painting), i especially feel like going back to doing the things that are a quick dopamine fix. Also, I especially feel impatient the days following drinking too much. Don't know why i did it. I could just punch myself in the stomach. I've got to just put it behind me and move forward and stay healthy. No sense kicking myself and feeling down. This morning i didn't go to church with my wife since my stomach was STILL messed up from Friday... though i was able to call and listen (they have this phone thing for people who can't attend). After that, just now i was learning new features in photoshop. But my mind is just in a gray state... Learning feels overwhelming. It's hard to picture things in a positive light, and it's hard to picture accomplishing anything. I'm in the house, i'm feeling kinda anxious, and i don't want to move. I feel like ceasing to exist. Everything seems too hard. This feeling is very familiar. It's been the catalyst for years of therapy and working on myself to deal with moments like these, and i've learned a lot of tools to work through it, but it never gets easy. I can name it for what it is, and label it as irrational , and triumph over it... but it's still a challenge to take the first step, and sometimes I just have to concentrate on one foot moving in front of the other till it passes, or till I resort to popping pills (legally). I don't take an antidepressant because it tends to hurt my creativity which is worse for my depression than anything, and because i've found that keeping a balanced diet, and avoiding certain behaviors is extremely effective. Before i figured this out about myself, it lasted weeks and would happen all the time... now it comes in shorter bursts less often, and i know the wicked cycles gaming enforces has made it worse. Also finding that my depression is linked to a snowball effect that all starts with anxiety has helped me a lot. I can now zero in on other ways to stop that snowball effect when i first notice it - namely a low benzo dosage - which usually happens under 5 times a month, so it's manageable. I wonder if that will start to go away as i detox from gaming. Anyway, I suppose i'll go do manual labor - the house needs vacuuming and stuff... that's one of the best ways I've found to get momentum when i'm in a bad place. Plus, my wife will like it.

I just posted something i did rather than gaming this week on my daily journal, and decided I'd start one here: Here's links to my art on the web: http://sethdraws.com Here's what i did last night rather than game: "Her attendant arrives with news of foul deeds."

It's been hard with the brainfog, but eating well is helping i think, and there are moments of clarity. Trudging through... I have been making myself do more art... did this instead of game last night... "Her attendant brings news of foul deeds"

Definitely. I'm always thinking of the way he talks about being "a professional." I've got to do it. No excuses. Proactive.

At work I had a bit of the ol' brainfog, but i still got a decent amount done. I did take a short nap when i got home. Awoke, went food shopping. Made wife dinner. Went running, took a cold shower, and updated my behance.net & linkedin profiles. I'm probably going to sketch and go to bed. Not much in the way of urges to game today, but super low energy and irritable. Not feeling very creative but i'm going to sketch anyway.

You'll figure out how to face reality. You will quickly give your life and physical reality waaaay more meaning if you follow the program Cam has laid out. It's like, these game developers have laid out all these game worlds where your avatar has a few abilities, and a set range of possible goals. It's easy to plug in and start meeting goals... plus you have built this community which you lead, but the community is all based around a virtual space which has little to nothing to do with the physical world you live in. You're can now take your true self, someone who has infinitely more abilities than your game avatar, and make your own goals based on what's truly important to you. It might take a while to figure all that out, but you're totally capable of it. And once you do, your life will get better and better. I'm in the early stages of quitting "again" too. I think we can make it stick this time, though.

I'm enjoying how you articulate what's going on in your struggles to stay "sober". Your powers of self-observation are strong. I especially can relate to this thought: It's crazy how that just pushes its way into my head all the time, too. Also, It's also interesting how, at around 5 pm each day i'm like - "oh, i'm done with other stuff. Time to go home and game." I barely ever thought about how many hours that is... almost 7 hours. Even with the down time of falling over because of weakness brought on by withdraw symptoms, waiting them out and dong something productive is way better than going back to the lame cycle we were in. Anyway, keep it up. You're encouraging me.

I had a pretty full morning. was busy up until 4:30 pm, around people and everything, and went to my art studio to work on some stuff... bam. It was like hitting a wall. I felt mentally tired and all i could think of is, it would be easier to go home and play my latest game fix. I tried reading and it just bounced off me... even after drinking an iced coffee. I had serious brain fog. So, I sat and thought about the consequences of going home and gaming. I thought of how i would just play till i fell asleep tonight, and would wake up for work tomorrow feeling un-rested and unfulfilled, and angry at myself for not working on the projects that would build my own equity and my own business. So i decided to go out into the lobby (no one is here in the offices i sublease from) and took a nap... just a half hour. I came back into my studio and felt like i could at least read... so that's good. And here i am on the forums. I'm reading all of you (my fellow quitters) experiences. It's helping me regain focus and stimulating my mind a little. I actually feel like reading is making me feel like being creative. It's weird how you forget stuff like that when your addiction keeps you experiencing this kind of stuff over the years. I'm still kind of out-of-it. It's hard to pick which action i'm going to do next. I think i'll just work on the lists, and tighten up my schedule as suggested in "Respawn" some more. Every day has these moments that are such a struggle without gaming.

Hi Byrdmath, Thank you for your support! <3 - You can do this too, everyone can its a matter of choice and sticking with it. Things had become easier once I had the clarity... The bad habits had built up so much over the years, and after reading "The Power of Habit" it really made it apparent that Video gaming was one of the Keystone Habits I needed to break. I was more horrified that I even experienced cravings and its been very interesting to watch my mind untangle itself... even now I still had video game dreams but they have a different tone now. Before I would be getting swarmed (either by zerg units, out-matched/gunned in cs) - Now when I have video game dreams i'm completely kicking ass in them lol. And of course! You can find my deep house / techno moniker here: http://www.facebook.com/claudewolfenstein First Record label release under "Broken Monster Records in Calgary AB: https://www.beatport.com/release/puzzle-ep/1637856 And my psychedelic project can be found here: http://www.soundcloud.com/justjoba https://www.facebook.com/justjobamusic/ Much love! This is great. Listening to all of it, now. It's not predictable, you use a cool sound set. This seems like it would be great to work to. It's not run-of-the-mill either... definitely worth adding to my playlists. Here's mine: http://soundcloud.com/seth-actionmath - Warning, it's inspired by old video game music among other things, though not as nostaligic as it could be since i use emulators, and wave generators, and game music isn't the only element that informs the sound. There's a combination of fully instrumented and mixed songs with vocals (just 2 of those), and little all-synth compositions done in FLstudio.