Sarma

DAY 69 - Relapse I relapsed yesterday. I haven't played much, like 2 hours. Everything else is going normal. Just I added gaming back. Feels pretty weird. I'm gonna keep writting here, but I'll count days with gaming So. DAY 1 WITH GAMING I don't have much to say except, I don't know right now. I'll keep you guys updated with my thoughts in the next few days. I'm probably gonna go detox again, but for now my mind is keeping me at it.

Day 65 - Wonderful day Went for a morning run. Felt good all day. Later I watched the new doc about travis scott. Quite interesting. I recommend you to watch it even if you're not a Travis Scott fan. I wanted to do some blogging work today, but the site I'm learning from is down for some reason. At work I had a blast with these 2 new guys. Really vibed with them. I even invited them to a party I'm making next week. Super happy I'm meeting new people. I didn't know how much my world would expand after quitting games. I'm loving it. I don't want to be sad anymore. I dont have time to be. The book I've been reading, 'How to win friends and influence people', has been mind opening. Learned a lot of things about social interactions. I'm cherishing every moment I have. I have a vision, and hopefully I'll make it happen by New Year. Live life to the fullest NOW guys, save yourself from pain and sadness. Have a wonderful day!

Day 64 - Sleep This week has been really tough sleep wise. I couldn't go to work today, needed some extra sleep. Ended up sleeping from 1pm-7pm. And I'm still sleepy. I did do my obligations mostly. I barely dragged myself to the psychiatrist. I did the test and I should be getting results the next time I go. I also informed them that I didn't sleep enough so they will take that into consideration. The whole day today has been a complete blur. I'm just writting the journal to fullfil my obligations. I don't know how I'm going to manage my time in the future. I have kickbox every monday wednesday and friday at 8 pm. There is no way I can get enough sleep each night If I'm working the morning shift. There's no way I'm gonna stop kickboxing though. One solution might be to work the night shift. I can manage it. But it's really unhealthy, maybe even more than getting less sleep. I think I'm gonna go with how it is right now. Atleast for a month. People are saying there should be different kickboxing plans starting september. So, I might actually get training at 4 pm for an example instead of 8 pm. Nothing much else to say. Just been sticking to my habits as much as I can. Trying to learn something everyday. Have a wonderful day guys !

Day 62 - Super productive I had a mix up with my psychiatrist appointment. I'm actually going on thursday, so yeah cancelled work for nothing :(. That didn't stop me from having a very productive day. In the morning I got myself to go for a run. I don't know how. It was amazing, my mood was great for the rest of the day. Pretty much did everything I planned. Bought a new purse, worked on some blogging, went out with friends and read 20 pages of a book. Reading has really empowered me I think. I woke up today excited to learn something new. I guess that's what gave me the energy to run in the morning. I've gotten to know myself better today. Atleast socially. Finally accepting that I'm an introvert. I'll face it. I hate small talk and I hate talking to bland personalities. Those two things bring no benefit to me. I'm now just like, if you're uninteresting don't waste my time. Let me fullfil my social needs and be done with it. Finally got to work on my blogging. I might be opening up a blog soon on wordpress. Or I'll just continue here along with my daily journals. Whatever the case It should be much more interesting than what I post here. I've started to like the idea of blogging. I was sceptical, but it has some nice benefits. I checked out this TED talk "Start with why" today. Most of you probably have seen it. It inspired me to ask myself better questions and to give better answers. Now I know what my path is and I feel more comfortable on it. He also has a book of the same name, which I will read after finishing my current book. I'll update you guys on the blog next time. For now, goodnight! Have a great day!

Day 61 - Really good day A friend from work came back from vacation. We were working together and we had a blast. I planned out my day today and did everything I wanted to. Got a haircut, read 10 pages of a book and went to kickboxing(wanted to work on blogging but only If i had time, which i didnt). It isn't anything too special, I'm just glad I didn't waste my time today. My mood has been stabilising recently. When I'm sad I'm not completely down and when I'm happy im not insanely happy. My dopamine feels in order. I hope that's true. What made my day today was kickboxing. Everytime I go I'm not motivated, but when I finish I'm glad I went. It really de-stresses me and gets my mood up. I'm not trying to be insanely good or something. I'm just trying to learn a new skill, which is always interesting. I remember when I was a kid... I was quite curious about evrything, I wanted to learn. I feel like that's coming back. It's what really makes me happy. A constant influx of knowledge. I'm going to take a psychiatric test tomorrow, to see what my strengths and weaknesses are. I hope I'll know myself better after taking it. Should be interesting. Never give up guys, there's a better life out there. Have a wonderful day!

Good luck in the future ?. If you have a craving be sure to check in again. And also if you have any other issue as well. Bye!

I'm not gonna try and stop you. If you've felt fine all this time, then I don't see a point in continuing either.

2 MONTHS !!!!! I wouldn't have ever imagined that I would last this long without games. I've been gaming for 14 years. And although I'm developing slow, it's been amazing what I've learned. Yes, I'm pretty lazy still. I let entire weekends pass by browsing the internet. But for all those lazy days, I've had some pretty amazing ones as well. Let's get the 90 days!! I've decided to start reading. I just bought a book called How to win friends and influence people. I've gotten the book recommended so many times that I just have to read it. It's gonna be tough to get me to read it everyday. But hey I write this journal pretty consistently and I've started to enjoy it. I hope with reading I can improve my self a lot quicker. I haven't made huge changes in my habits, but it's the little things that count. And currently those little habit changes are keeping me going. I get it. Habits are tough to change. And I'm not going to stress over a whole day I spent watching youtube. I'll give myself that space, and move on. What I definitely need to get out of the way is watching gaming videos. When it's sunday I just go and watch gaming for a few hours. I don't want to game, just want to do something that's familiar, you know? Hopefully, I'll stop as the detox gets to 90 days. But, overall I've been pretty lazy recently, need to refocus or I'll relapse.

Day 59 - Enjoying company Hanged out with friends today. Really enjoyed it. Haven't went out in a while, felt kind of isolated. We just talked about what's been going on, nothing too special. My sex drive is really high again, since I had a wet dream last night. So, I really want to interact with people. Tomorrow is a concert, so I might go. They're playing music that I kinda listen to. I should be able to fit in and meet new people. I'll also probably be going alone, since none of my friends want to go. Should help with my confidence. On tuesday I'm going out with this girl I know, just as friends though. Overall, starting to open up to girls more. Not much else to talk about, just forcing myself to do stuff. I've been getting heavy cravings, but the more I outlast the more confident I feel. I bought the gq challenge a while a go so I might start doing it again, since it will give me goals to work towards. It has some really discomforting challenges. I get sad sometimes about the future. Will I ever feel joy like when I was gaming? Is it all worth it? I don't know but I can't turn back now. I fucked myself up enough. Have a wonderful day!

Day 58 - Getting to know myself better I've realized something today about my personality. Over the years intentionally or unintentionally I've made myself an outcast. I like being different and I don't want anything to do with the mainstream. For an example. My music taste involves unpopular songs or just not mainstream. When my friends are doing something, i usually just dont want to do it. It's too, unoriginal. Like with me not going to university. Even now at work, I feel like I resonate more with my coworkers. When it comes to video games also, I would usually just not play what my friends played. I didn't want to connect with them in anyway. I'm just completely against what society has to offer. I've felt like an outcast for so long, that I grew comfortable with it. My psychiatrist says it has to do with not having love and affection from my dad. Mom was always there, but dad didn't seem to care much. I nevet thought of it that way, but my subconscious thinks different I guess. I like how things are. I want to embrace myself. I WANT to be an outcast. First, I'll need to find more friends I resonate with. I plan on doing this by going to trap parties. I think that's where I'll find like minded people. Second, I need to let loose a bit, embrace your awkwardness. For an example I could get a tattoo. Third, seek a skill that feels unusual, something that people won't like me doing. This one looks kind of stupid, but I want to try it out. It can be something dumb like, exp. Making rap music. Something that'll make people jealous. You could say I'm entering a rebellious phase. I like it, sounds fun ?. So TL;DR I want to let my ego out. Have a nice day people!!

Day 57 - Nostalgia and stress For the past 2 days I've been getting some above average cravings. What I've realized is that my biggest triggers are unplanned days and fear of failure. If I'm not working and don't plan to go out, it usually just turns into a sad, empty day. It's crucial that I plan and do everything i set out for each day. Or I'm going to relapse. Another craving problem which is even more problematic is fear of failure. When I sit down and decide I'm gonna do something, this overwhelming fear strikes me. I feel like I can't do it, like i failed already. It all comes back to confidence. These new tasks are going to be tough. I need to get through them if I want to grow. Or I'll live thinking what If forever. Fear paralizes me and wants me to go back to my comfort zone, gaming. I'm scared of trying to do difficult tasks. I feel like I can't outrun my cravings. I'm working on it. I'll figure it out. This weekend I'll force my self to learn some blogging skills. I need confidence. I also want to walk up and start conversations with random girls. I'll force my self to do some during the weekend. At the end of the day... I should be happy I got through another day of the detox. It isn't much, but atleast I didn't give up. Tomorrow's a new day and a new challenge. Everything's in arms reach, all I gotta do is fight for it everyday. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!

Day 56 - Life is hard Today my psychiatrist informed me, I have an adjusment disorder. Basically I adapt to new situations a lot longer than other people. Because of it I have symptomps that are all over the place. Symptomps like depression, anxiety and so on. I'm glad I'm not sick at least. I'm just going to need some time to adjust, that's it. What I mean by life is hard is... I don't have pleasure right now. I need to find something that'll consistently find me pleasure. Right now, it feels like I'm going through a brick wall everyday. I'm having doubts about my decisions again, but fuck it. I'm gonna go through a brick wall everyday, if it's needed. I'm having some cravings, not because I want to game, but because that lifestyle is easier. All I ever wanted was to live a stress less life. But I guess that isn't possible, atleast for now. Right now, what keeps me going is going out with friends and work. My mind is a mess right now. I'll try and not think about it, and just stick to my habits. Have a nice day!

Day 53 - Good mood still, more confidence Damn, I feel like the shit. What I need to remember is, not let this mood get to my head. I don't want to become lazy. I just gotta be rational and hold my head up. Yesterday I was with my family after getting of work. It was my nephew's birthday. It was nice. I got him a watergun, but he got so much gifts that he couldn't even get excited about it hahah. I talked with my sister's husband about girls. I realized I don't show women that I'm into them. I need to show some affection in the future. I'm a pretty passive person. I need to open up more, be direct with people. Today I didn't plan to do anything really. My friend called our group to go for some coffee. And in the end only I accepted the invitation. We had a nice conversation. Talked about girls and philosophized a bit. He talked to me about his previous relationships with women. It's interesting. Now, i got a lot more insight into women. We also ended up having this deep conversation about death and birth, and god. We shared some theories. It was quite interesting. I'm glad I went out. Probably would've stayed home and watched youtube all day otherwise. Going to my second kickbox class tomorrow. Pretty excited. I'm gonna fit in some copywritting in tomorrow. Need to get some work done. I'm excited for tomorrow, whatever it holds! Just want to improve everyday. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY ???.

Day 51 - Amazing mood and this girl Yesterday and today was fucking amazing. I thought I would have an uninteresting time at the festival. But it turned out amazing. So this girl who is a friend of a friend came to the festival. We didn't expect her, she just happened to find us. We didn't like the music on the main stage, so me and her went to listen to some punk rock. I'm not a big punk rock fan. But this girl is crazy, she made listening to it so enjoyable. She was so energetic. Later on we went to the trap music stage and had an amazing time there as well. I don't remember when was the last time I had this much fun. I knew this girl from before, but damn she's a lot more interesting than I thought. Later, we sat down and talked for probably about an hour. I usually find it hard to find a topic to talk about. But it was quite easy actually. The conversation flowed like water. She really made my day. I could listen to her all day. I spent the whole day today thinking about her. I just couldn't get her out of my head. Now, I don't know what I should do with these thoughts and emotions. Do I have these feelings because of high sex drive? Is it because I haven't been interested in a relationship before, and that's why this feels special? Do I trully like this chick? Or is it a current emotion. I don't know. Hell, i don't even know if she's interested in me. Sadly I won't be able to explore these feelings more since she's out of town for the next 2 weeks. The upside is we exchanged phone numbers and we both agreed it'd be nice to hang out again. I'm excited but I don't want to give these thoughts too much attention. I haven't been in situations like this, so I'm not gonna think of it as unique, but as like a first try with women. Be sure to leave your opinions in the comments. How have your experiences in these first steps with women been? What should think of as real and over exaggerated feelings? That's all for today, really couldn't think of anything else. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY??

Day 50 - First kickbox training, psychiatrist meeting and sex drive Yesterday I went to my first day of kickboxing. I'm so proud of myself! I barely managed to get myself to go, but when I got there it was a lot easier. It was great. I learned some of the basics and I got some good exercise in. I met some new people, and yeah overall quite happy. As expected my cravings have reduced ever since I slept more and had some exercise. Although, my sex drive has been pretty high. I've been watching porn the past couple of days, not jerking off, just watching. I ain't getting any sex, so I just want to watch so I get fired up. Like literally every girl that's decently good looking I want to have sex with. Obviosly this should be a positive. What's also good, is that I don't want purely sex. I actually want to get to know the girl before anything happens. It's really exciting. I'm more confident around women, I want to be around people more and just overall feel like a fucking human, you know? Tonight, I'm going out with friends to this festival called Beer Fest. Maybe some of you know what it is. Anyways, I want to meet some new women there. Need to work on my conversations, because it ain't that good. The goal is just to get some interesting conversations with women. There's also this girl from my friend group I want to know better. She isn't coming tonight, but she will tomorrow. I'm gonna work on her a bit, see how it goes. I finally saw my psychiatrist. We didn't have any deep talk. She basically got to know me better. What I did find out though is that I'm not sick. YAY ! She also said there's no need to do a physical evaluation for any underlying problems. SO YAY! I'm gonna go see her again next week. She figured we should talk about my difficulties connecting with people and my transition to adult hood. I guess my problems aren't no where near what I thought they were. I have a hard time fitting in and finding myself, that's basically what she's saying. I'M SO RELIEVED. I feel 10 times lighter. Life is fucking scary, but also good at the same time. There's no stopping now, I'm healthy and that's all that matters. I will go atleast a few more times to my psychiatrist and over time we will work on my issues. I will ultimately become the man I should be. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY .

Day 48 - Really want to relapse Over the past couple of days I've had growing cravings. Today was tough especially, because I didn't sleep much. Was working the morning shift at work. These are the first serious cravings I've had since starting the detox. I guess I need to refocus. I can only imagine it's going to get worse. So for tomorrow I'm going to the gym for my first kickbox training. That should get my mind off gaming and activate me physically. Hoepfully that'll be enough to help with these cravings. In Thursday I'm going to the psychiatrist, fucking finally. Other than that, I've had slight depersonalization the past couple of days. Although I've accepted it more, I don't judge the feeling. Grateful for change! Have a wonderful day guys!

Day 47 - Perspective I read an interesting article here, and i recommend you do to. It helped me get a different perspective on life. "The big picture" I should stop worrying about what will happen, because in the end it doesn't matter. Nothing does. So you either try and be happy, fullfill your human needs. Or you live trying to find that purpose, chasing short highs, and being miserable in the end. Some things just aren't in our control, and that's fine. Knowing that nothing matters... It's liberating. You are free to do what you want. Just do what you want, simple. Thinking too much will only lead to misery. So fuck that, I'm gonna live life and enjoy it. Have a wonderful day!

Day 46 - Half way through, thoughts and changes 45 days already, crazy. These days I feel have been the best but also some of the worst times I've experienced in a while. Other than quitting gaming and porn, Ive been going through a lot changes in other parts of my life. My thoughts have changed a lot as well. I want more social interactions, relationships, career development, physical exercise. Even though I haven't truly achieved any of these, I will definitely slowly improve upon these areas. What has really helped me so far is writing here consistently. Just keeping yourself accountable to write your thoughts everyday and reading other peoples journals reminds me I'm not alone. If I stopped now, I'd know I let you all down, and possibly demotivate you from pursuing the detox longer. So, no matter what, I need to complete this detox. It has to be done. I'm gonna talk about an outing i had with friends the other day. Yesterday I decided I wasn't gonna go to work. I wanted to hang out with friends. I have been working all week and needed some friendly interactions. I felt distant when we were hanging out. I realised that me and my friends have nothing in common anymore. They're all going to university and know what they'll be doing the next 4 or 5 years. They we're all... comfortable. It's sad because I felt like I was the only grown up there. I was surrounded by these people who have comfortable lives and are set for life, probably. I love each and every one of them, but now I feel like I should see other people. I was so down in fact that I needed to pull one of my good friends to the side, because I was crying inside. He knows what I'm growing through, and we had a good talk. He encourages me to pursue new relationships, but also to balance with my current friend group. I agreed. We also talked about other things I've been feeling, with work and life for the future. I'm happy we talked, I feel a lot better now. You just need someone to talk to sometimes, so he/she can remind you you're not alone. I'm glad I have friends like him I can talk to. We are taking different paths in life and it makes me sad that I can't connect with them anymore. I need to meet new people. People who can inspire me, and who I can inspire to do better. I need to meet people who genuinely want to explore the world, and not just live the standard life. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but overtime I'll find an answer for this as well as other questions. As I said, these are some of the best, but also worst moments of my life. It's a constant work in progress. We don't know what life has in stored for us, but that's what makes it beautiful. Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful day!

Day 44 - New people and taking it slow Today I met a guy at work. He's about my age. He's '98, I'm' 00. After a bit of time we both chilled out and had a nice time working together. I figured he is a shy type of person like me, so I guess that's why we hit it off so well. He even said he felt comfortable to speak with me openly. He said he felt like he knew me well. That made me actually really happy. I always felt like I'd come off cold to people. But, apparently no, some people actually feel ok when they meet me at first. At the beginning of work he said he didn't like the work, and was gonna work somewhere else. But I guess he grew comfortable with me and said he's gonna work next week as well. So, the point I'm trying to make here is that I'm happy I met someone who I can connect with in a friendly manner. I just felt before like there isn't anyone who's gonna stick around to know me better. This gives me confidence for future friendships. Through conversations with this guy, I found out that I need to expand my social vocabulary a bit. For an example the topic of music came up and I just couldn't get the words out. I guess I'm scared of being judged for what I listen to, so I subconsciously chose not to say much/anything. Sadly, it"s a habit I developed when I was a kid, because I was super shy. I'm just gonna have to work on it. He also talked a lot about his previous girlfriends and current one. Those stories gave me a lot of confidence, maybe this women thing isn't that difficult? He even said it himself: 'I don't know why these girls pick a guy like me.' I figured he was similar to me personality wise, so yeah gave me a lot of confidence when it comes to girls. It"s really amazing to meet new people. I want to meet new and interesting people like this guy was, more. Taking it slow: I'm trying not to stress much. I've just been chilling and going to work everyday. I'm not trying to add any extra stress. Do I want to kickbox, exercise? Yes. I'll get there, It's not the time for it yet. Do I want to write copy? Yes, but I'm not ready, yet. Do I want to go out with friends and meet new people? Yes, but I just can't right now because of work and that's fine. Not everything is in my control and It never will be. So I'll let things slide, just a little everyday. I'm signing off, talk more tomorrow. Have a wonderful day and good night!

Day 42 - Confidence and smoking cigars For the past couple of days I've been smoking cigars and I've enjoyed it quite a lot. I'm gonna stick with it for now. As I said before it's different from cigarettes and it really lightens me up. I'm not quite sure if it's ok to start smoking during my detox, but I'm enjoying it so I'll stick with it. I've been able to relax more as well and my thoughts are more direct. I don't know if this is good or bad in my current situation What do you guys think? I need to start building my confidence in one way or the other. I need to prove to myself that I am good enough and that I do have potential. It's just about realizing it. I have an issue with wanting everything now. I can visualize success, but If I don't get it fast I feel like a failure. But I guess it's a learning process to enjoy the journey not the goal. I've been kind of moody yesterday and today. I want to do so much, but also relax at the same time. Been pretty lazy, but I want to justify it by having to work everyday. I want to go to the gym, but I get so tired from work that I just want to relax. Can't wait for september to start going on the copy course. Hopefully it will give me some much needed structure and a mentally engaging activity to my day. Back to the topic of cigars. Since I started smoking I feel like I enjoy things the way they are instead of trying to change them. Present in the moment. Again, not sure if this is a good thing. It's not like I don't want anything anymore. It's just that I am present, you know? I guess you could say I'm enjoying life as it is . Have a wonderful day and good night !

I haven't played games for over 40 days and I'd say it's worth the effort. Don't get discouraged by being 30 years old. You can become good at any aspect of your life in a minimum of 2 years. So think of it like this, you can have your ideal life by the age of 35. If you haven't already I recommend you buy respawn. It will help you set yourself up against huge mental struggles during the detox. Good luck, my friend!

6 days good job!!!! You should definitely find new habits to pursue. If you stay at home constantly without being engaged in an activity you'll constantly think about games and eventually give in to the temptation. Keep your brain occupied with different activities each day and you'll save your self from a lot of mental struggle.

Day 41 - Mental health and new interests My mental health has been more stable since i started working. I made an appointment with my psychiatrist for next thursday. I'm starting to think I'm just over exaggarating my feelings. Maybe these are normal and healthy thoughts for someone who's going through a lot of change. I feel like I'm overthinking stuff, that's for sure. What I'm sad about right now is that I'm not working on my copy. Yes, I'm doing a course in september, but I also want to work on it alone, to get that extra edge. I can learn it, but I don't know how to apply it and judge if its even good. I feel like I need to learn to deal with things on my own, and that's why I want to try and learn copy on my own. You'll always learn more from a teacher, but let's say I didnt have money to buy this course. How would I learn then? That's my issue I want to be self-sufficient. I feel like it's a valuable life lesson that everyone requires. Maybe I'm just overthinking again. I can have a better route than most people yet I try and make it harder or myself. I've started to gain interest more towards new habits. New habits dont scare me as much as before. I'm planning on going to the gym this week and to start kickboxing next week. I feel really motivated to do it. Also, this week I plan on going out and meeting new people in a nightclub or something. Most of my friends never want to go out. So, fuck it I'll go alone and force myself to meet new people. I'm really happy with these thoughts. I want to push myself to action. It's invigorating. Let me know your thoughts about my overthinking issues and my mental health overall. Also, do you think that I'm forcing myself too much, trying to learn copywritting alone? I hope you have a wonderful day, stay woke!

Some are more lucky than others. Unfortunately it can happen to anyone in a blink of an eye. Death reminds us that life is precious, so don't waste it.

Day 39 - Laziness and a possibly new habit Hello guys. Today's been pretty uneventful. I sadly didn't make an agenda for today because I was still in vacation mode. I pretty much spent half the day thinking I'm mentally ill, bla bla bla, you've heard it before. I felt very disconnected and I just wanted something I can relate to. What I did was binge watch a bunch of youtube videos about video games. Do I want to play now? Yeah a little. Honestly I'm not mad, I was feeling pretty down, and just for a moment I wanted to feel at home. During my lazy day a positive thing that occured to me is that I DON'T want to waste time like this anymore. I want to have a full day of stuff to do, preferably out of the house. So yeah I'm excited to go kickboxing next week and start working again. I'm really happy I'm thinking in a different way, I don't want to waste my time like this anymore. When it was around 9 pm I decided I was too bored and that I was losing it. I went out and decided I was going to get some cigars. I always wanted to try them but never got myself to do it before. What attracts me to cigars, is that they're a form of art. They're carefully hand made to be the best tasting. On the contrary cigarettes are factory made and contain a ton of unknown chemicals. Honestly I was expecting to be dissapointed, I thought it was going to be like a cigarette. The cigar felt amazing. The flavor you get in your mouth from the smoke is to die for. It's no where near like a cigarette. It felt like it activated my taste buds more. I felt this satisfaction in my whole head. I ended up smoking the whole cigar for 40 mins or so. And I enjoyed every second. I was really enjoying life in that moment, it was perfect. I don't know if I'm gonna become a cigar smoker, but damn it's beautiful. Hey, If anything, it would be nice if I could use cigars for some stability in my life right now. I hate uncertainty, and maybe that little certainty in a cigar everyday is gonna help me. I don't know, I'll keep you guys updated how it goes. Going to sleep now. Have a wonderful night and never give up.