Sashiku

I certainly hope so.

So... Where do I begin? Things got really really bad with my family and I decided I HAD to get out of there, no matter what. I was at the end of my rope and I felt like I was going to either snap or have a complete meltdown. So, thanks to the support of my family (Aunts and Dad), I signed some papers in August to be put on a waiting list to move into an apartment in Kansas. Not just any place in Kansas, a small town of 7,000 people where my Aunt Works AT the same place I'll be living! It's the housing authority and they take disabled so it was a great opportunity. I hadn't accepted it before because I was scared I guess. Afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself, or maybe that I'd end up making too many mistakes. Anyway, in October I was approved to move in. By the end of October, I was moved all the way from Oklahoma to Kansas and most of my belongings moved with me. (My apartment is much smaller than my apartment at the house was so I had to leave some stuff behind, but I like it a lot, its super cute!) Once I moved here, I kept expecting to hear my mom screaming or my brother breaking things but... silence. I found peace quite quickly after about a week. Peace I haven't known in 15 years. My aunt has always been here for me since moving here. My life completely flipped upside down once I was here, in the best way possible. From being in my room constantly to being invited to events, actually OPENING my windows, talking to people nearly every day, eating the way I wanted and most importantly, seeing myself and my life change before my eyes. Looking back at this Journal, I almost feel disconnected to the person I was back then. Like it was some bad dream or somebody else's life. I think for the first time in a long time, I'm aware of myself. I'm not trying so hard to pretend I don't exist that I start to believe it. Right now I'm enrolled in a class called "Personal and Professional Development" and I feel like I've already noticed some change within me just from the few times I've been. I'm more grateful for the small things and try to see the good side of every situation. Besides, My life now is so much easier than it was back in October. Still though, once moving here and after the initial peace, there was anxiety and a lot of it. I was saying "sorry" after nearly every sentence and I was awkward and always worrying about "What if". What if I can't keep my place clean? What if I ask too much of my Aunt? What if I don't make any friends? What if I can't do this....? Well, after being here a few months, a lot of that has faded, though some still remain. Mostly about keeping my place clean since I'm not very good at that and it's in the rules. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to not only tell you about what's been going on, but also admit that I've fallen completely back into gaming. After my last post, things at home got even worse. To the point where I didn't even want to live anymore. Luckily, I found the courage to move, but while I was trying to keep myself from completely losing it, I turned to gaming once again. After the move, I didn't play for about a month. I was too happy enjoying all of my new freedoms and the peaceful quiet. After that, I started again, but this time, because I missed my friends and also because it was too cold to really see the town. So boredom and loneliness I suppose. Though I did notice a change in my gaming. I gamed before for escapism, but now I seem to be a lot more light hearted with games. I even enjoyed a game I hated previously. In any case, I can clearly see I can never play video games again. When I do, I ignore my responsibilities, spend WAY too much money *I literally have 26$ in my bank due to games this month...* and I forget to take care of myself *meds, brushing hair, etc* I've been trying to figure out what else to do but I just don't know. Small town, new people, etc.I have friends here, but most of them are over 60... maybe all of them. Though I cherish all of them dearly, I want a friendship with somebody who shares my interests, but NOT my love of gaming. Somebody to exercise with, explore with and maybe even go to the library with! xD I'm weird. But mostly I'd like to find somebody here who shares my spiritual beliefs, at least a little more than 90% of the population does. This town is 99% Christian, which is awesome and wonderful but I don't share their beliefs and it can be a little lonely. The only Wiccan in the entire town. But it's not like I can go asking... People would probably be pretty upset with me and I can guarantee I'd lose friendships. I don't want to be ostracised from a town that I love with all my heart and people with amazing hearts and kindness. I just wish I could find one person... On that note, I must say though that I love the methodist church here. They are the most giving people ever. Not only is my PPD class there, but also the free Wednesday meals for THE ENTIRE TOWN and the bell they have the rings is SO lovely that I open my windows to hear it even when it's 13 degrees outside. Anyway, My appologies if that was a bit too much to read. Just so much has changed, it's hard to put it all into a short explanation. In ending, I just want to say that I have decided to quit... forever. I am going to give it my all.

No problem! I'm happy to be back. Life is hard though. I have been through a lot but I'm hoping to turn it all around for the sake of my dreams.

So, a LOT of things have happened! This is going to be a very long post. My apologies for that. So, from October on, a sequence of events happened. I'll tell them as they happen. October was alright. I was doing a bit more than I had been. Then November came and well... Things got worse from there. My family was in constant strife so I was stressed and turned to my good buddy video games to help me lose myself. Then December came... All hell broke loose. My brother was drunk all the time and my mom was angry all the time and I didn't know what to do. Then in January, the inevitable happened. All out war. My brother kept acting like he wanted t hit my mom so I got mad at him and sorta did some things I'm not proud of and he ended up breaking through a door with his skateboard and nicking me in the back of the head with it. I know he was just paying me back for what I did. I just couldn't see the up side to anything so in my room I stayed. Well, February rolls around and I'm getting sicker and sicker. Depression has hold of me now. My friend in Oregon offers me a place to stay for as long as I'll need it. My family may not be physically abusive *That was the first time he hit me and I think it was an accident. It also didn't hurt.* but they're definitely toxic people and they are starting to affect me. So, I decided it's time to leave. I haven't left yet due to family pressure and other responsibilities, but I plan to as soon as I can. So, last month, My doctor discovered my life-long issues with my stomach were caused by Chronic Cholecystitis. I had my gallbladder removed and now I feel about 10 thousand times better. After my wounds healed I started doing a little more but i still didn't want to be near my family due to the stress they cause, so I stayed in my room gaming mostly. But, 5 days ago I began a 15 minute daily exercise and I'm really starting to motivate myself. I am afraid of failing, but I have to do it. I found a goal. Something to work towards. Quitting gaming for me was just to prevent wasting my life. But this? This is for another huge reason. My entire life I've had wanderlust. I wanted to see what was outside of this city, now, outside this state. I saw a sequence of videos last week that answered my question of *what do I want to do with my life* for me. It started out as looking for a funny spider cat video... I ended up finding a guy's video I hadn't seen in years. So, I went and checked out his new videos, which then sent me to his older videos where... he moved to Alaska from Cali. His videos were all over Alaska. From videos with giant mountains to videos with beautiful clear lakes. I envied him so much, but he also inspired me so much. I'm watching one of his videos a day, because it helps fuel the fire. It's not that i want to live in Alaska, the where isn't important. The important thing is that I get out of Oklahoma and see more than I've seen. So, I started exercising. A 35 year old girl with disc degeneration and no physical fitness can't hike a mile. I aim to change how I am into a new me. Same old me with a new attitude and ability. I don't know if I'll fail or succeed, but I have to try. I would rather die now than stay in this boring familiar place. I want to see it all. Now, I know it won't be easy. I'm probably much poorer than most people since I can't seem to find a job here and have no choice but to exist on the measly amount I get for disability. I figure, someone in a small town may hire me. Maybe they won't be so judging and discriminating. Anyway, sorry for the long post. A lot has happened. Things MUST change from here on out or I don't think I'll be ok.

Hello

Hey guys. We haven't moved yet, things kinda got put on the back burner due to money problems, but a lot has changed here. I kinda gave up on quitting gaming for a month. I was really depressed about my lack of focus and motivation that I just pretty much threw all my hard work out the window. There is good news though, I finally got some medicine to help treat my ADHD. I've been taking it only 3 days and I've already cleaned half my house and even painted a bit. I also find that I have no interest in being on the computer at the moment. I am trying my best. I think being able to focus will motivate me a lot. So... I'm starting over. Today is day 1.

Dude, you are awesome and hilarious. Your future will be very interesting. I would love to hear more stories. *read most of your posts and nearly all of them made me smile or giggle.*

Today is going fine. I'm exhausted from pushing myself on yardwork, but I feel better about myself and what i do with my time because of it. Like they say, "No pain no gain." Heh. Things are finally looking up in life in other ways too. We finally got new tires and yesterday we finally bought proper groceries for the first time in months. We've been pretty much starving due to lack of money. Ever since I was stolen from in January we've had to play catch-up and its been hard. I am literally broke for the rest of the month but at least our bills are all taken care of and we have new tires and food! Yay!!! As for not gaming, still going fine. I spent a total of 1 hour gaming yesterday on my handheld. We were in a waiting room for a while yesterday so I played during that time, and a few minutes when relaxing after working outside. As for PC gaming, I don't want to play any of them anymore. At this point in time I can't see myself going back to them. I know, my feelings have changed drastically in the past month. From nearly giving up and then suddenly having no desire for it. I think the stress of no food and no transportation was the cause. Depression has been my downfall for years when it comes to gaming. One day a week or two ago I started thinking about my long-term goals and decided I should really go do the things I need to do to prepare myself for my life-changing move. We most likely won't have good internet out there and I'm actually pretty happy about that. Our whole plan is to be self-sustaining. Not just for the love of it and because we enjoy it, but because we're sinking here in the city. If we live out there we can survive without any assistance. I have reasons for this. #!: I'm a prepper. You never know when we could have another disaster, natural disaster or stock market crash happen and won't be able to get to a store to get food #2: I'm disabled as I said. Disability could run out of money before I die and people in the country are likely to hire you if you work hard, no matter your disability. Even if they don't we'll have our land to live on and by then I will know how to hunt hopefully. #4: I want to live the rest of my life as happily as I can. My life has been hard and its time I took it back and live my dreams to the extent of my ability. Anyway, that's pretty much it. Oh, and we are probably moving to Kansas.

Congrats on 10 days! I get what you mean about *wanting to keep gaming around as a balance* and that *it could offer things you can't find anywhere else.* Those were two of my biggest struggles. Once I realized I could learn the things I found intriguing in video games, I started to see their cons more than their pros. And I love bike riding. Its fun but it gets you and active which is perfect. Keep that up for sure! Congratulations on going to University! I'm sure you'll learn a ton and meet some great people there. I use habitica too. I don't use the gaming aspect either. I mostly just use it for the chore lists and social reminders. Stay focused and think of the good things about the changes you're making and you'll do great. I wish you the best of luck and know we're all cheering you on. Hugs and congrats ~Sashi.

Thanks Cam! Great to be back!

This was my dream too. Hope you will make it. Greetings, Piotr. Thank you! I intend to try. Did you give up on yours?

Thanks for your post. Yes, I have always had a strong love of vegetables and having our own garden my entire life has just been a way of life for my family and I. yes, I like almond milk well enough. LOVE chocolate almond milk. Not a fan of soy or coconut though. May try a few other types when I get the chance. And Indeed. Not interested at all. I think I Just needed that last little shove of motivation to spark my love of gardening all over again. I will try to get a picture of our blackberries and our blackberry Jelly we made.

SO MUCH NEWSSSS!!! I'm back on the bandwagon! Check out my facebook post! You all know I've been barely playing any video games at all. The only one I've been playing is on my handheld 3DS and its a rarity. I've also decided to cut computer usage down. Not only that, but something else is going to change. My diet. It isn't that I don't eat healthy, because I do most of the time. Its that I'm tired of meat. So very tired of it. It makes me feel horrible when I eat it. Its heavy and makes me feel sluggish and even causes me nausea at times. It has been that way for my whole life. I also don't really like meat anyhow. If anything I like the occasional sausage, bacon and burger. But even those are becoming less and less. I find myself desperately craving vegetables when we have none. So, I'm going to try eating a non-meat diet. Heh, don't worry, I'm not going to preach about it. One of the reasons I kept from it so long is that vegetarians and vegans have a bad rep for being pushy about what they eat and I do not want to be associated with pushy people. The reasons for me going nearly vegan are pretty simple. 1: Don't like meat much anyway. 2: I'm lactose intolerant so I can't do dairy anyhow. 3: I feel like I will feel better if I'm eating food I know is good for me. 4: I do think the treatment of animals that are kept in tiny pens for our food needs to stop. Its not fair to the animal. However, this is just another plus in not eating meat. It is not my main focus, however it is a big factor for me as I do love animals. 5: I simply love veggies. ^-^ I figured my texture issues with food might be an issue too. I can't stomach squishy foods. I think the reason is meat fat. I despise the stuff. I think me being served meat growing up and ending up with fat in my mouth always grossed me out. I hope I can get past it for the veggies. Even if I can't I can always juice them or blend them. I mean, I have an awesome manual juicer that'd do the job. Another Idea I had is starting a vlog about all this cool stuff I'm doing lately for fun. I also plan to get outside more and try to practice my skills in the garden and maybe even learn some carpentry or something. Why? Because I hate the city and I at times want so badly to leave it and head for the middle of nowhere. This lack of camping is only making me miss the outdoors more. I read a story about some folks who started a homestead and while that sounds amazing, I know with my limitations I'll have to settle for a small town and a garden. That's fine, as long as I have my own space and my neighbors aren't literally a yard away. ANYWAY! Sorry for talking so long! I'm just getting very motivated now. Peace out. <3 So yes, I'm completely uninterested in games now. We plan to move to a bit of land and grow veggies/herbs and raise rabbits, goats and chickens. So, in other words, I want to learn how to live with my own two hands. "Self reliance and Self Sufficiency" I also want to learn carpentry and mechanical skills so I can do repairs on my own for minor things. So I've decided to focus on skillsets I need to do the things I intend. I would really like to have a homestead, but that's not logical for someone with my vision. Off the Grid living has been a love of mine since my childhood days and I didn't even know what "off the grid" was. I've always loved being in the great outdoors and fantisized about never leaving our campsite, living there permanently. But, with life comes compromise. Just wanted to update you since It's been a little bit now. Many things going on here.

Day.. i have no idea. I've fallen off the band wagon so to speak. BUT, I've still been doing things and going places and doing other things. I'm still improving my life but its been hard to kick gaming all together. I quit gaming because I never get anything else done and I spend WAY too much time on it and never go anywhere with friends. I also didn't exercise enough. I still didn't get much done when I wasn't playing, my ADHD makes it hard to focus and being diagnosed means I can get therapy now. I still want to quit, and I am to the point again where I think I can. Our pool will be open soon and I'm not going to want to be inside. I think being stuck inside makes me want to game more. if I had a way to go places I'd be camping already. But buses don't go to lakes and nobody I know wants to go. So yea, While I may slip up now and then, know that I am still working hard on improving my life and I will get there, sometimes its just hard. Thanks for being my motivation you guys. <3 Note: One last thing. I'm not craving games anymore. No more dreams, no need to play, When I do its from pure boredom or the need to create something. *my tablet is currently not working*

Thanks for the support. I will take your idea into consideration. Thanks!

You are absolutely right. I am going to try finding other ways to be creative. Also, my tablet isn't working so my creativity has been pretty much ignored lately due to no way to draw. I think your idea is a good one. Thank you.

Triggers below. Alright. So I have a problem. There is one particular game I will be sad to quit again. The rest I don't give a flying care about. But this one has been a creative outlet for me for years. Minecraft. I seriously only care about that game. I can create whole cities, towns, ancient civilizations, etc. Its a huge creative outlet for me. I will never be able to find something like that outside of a game. I do have other things I can do, but I suppose getting into them has been difficult. I got "Weird Shadows over Innsmouth" by HP Lovecraft for my birthday and I want to read it but I just feel so overly creative. I DID get a coloring book for my birthday. Its a VERY detailed one that is going to take a long time to fill out. I dunno what is wrong with me. I want to quit but at the same time I feel rather hopeless and don't know what to do. I love my outings with my friends, but those are only once a week. My thyroid has been bad as well so I've been sleeping a lot and been unable to do much. The inability to get up and go fuels my need for things to do which brings me back to one or two games every time. Today I am going to try to read. Also, I am making slow progression on my house. My kitchen looks much better already. Anyway, to sum up this post, I don't really know how to get out of this rut I'm in. My motivation is gone.

You are absolutely right. I will keep going. I want to find another group of people to hang out with next. Its nice to have a group of friends and have events to go to, but I'd like a little variation in my life. A once a month book meeting or maybe a foodie club. hahahaha. I also have goals to get a cellphone and get moved. Thanks for the support, I appreciate you.

Mine have stopped too. Now I mostly get funny dreams that aren't so vivid.

You're welcome but its seriously no big deal. I understand how it is to fight with friends. I recently went through something similar so I can empathize. We're here for you, even if some others may not be. *hugs* Also, I agree. Better little improvement than none at all. Keep it up. <3

Oh, and I just celebrated my birthday on the 12th. It was amazing. Feel free to read about it on my facebook page.

Ok so I have a TON of updates! Get ready to read a long post. My ADHD was very bad this morning so writing this took a lot of time and was pretty frustrating. *Warning, if you're triggered by game names, please don't read this part.* Ok so, Right after the last post I went into depression. I know, its not good news. The lack of money/transport/food + being very sick was weighing on me heavily. I started losing hope in myself and in life in general. My computer was still doing badly so I updated it to windows 10. After that I decided to reset it and remove all my files after backing most of them up. Once I reset it I decided to start gaming again because I didn't know how to deal with all the stress I was feeling. I at first re-installed Fallout 4 as it had been my favorite game. I also installed Goat Simulator and Skyrim. But this time, gaming was way different than it had been. I will get to that later but first, I need to acknowledge some important people and events. *You remember how sick I was right? Remember how I told you guys I had been going to meetings and meeting some people with similar interests as me? Well, about this time one of my friends I made introduced me to another person who turned out to be the one who kept my head above water so to speak. First, he took me to the urgent care. He had worked 12 hours that night but insisted on taking me in when I was unable to sleep due to extreme coughing and breathing problems. Turns out I had a sinus infection that turned into bronchitis that was pretty bad. I got some antibiotics and was sent home. I thanked him over and over. Not long after that I got better and had just a few lingering symptoms. a few days after that I felt completely better. *The second time, he invited me to play Dungeons and Dragons with him and my other friends. I accepted but had no idea what it was asside from some sort of game involving dice and your own made up characters. This intrigued me as it took place in real life and the main reason for me liking games in the first place is the stories. D&D would give me the chance to make my own story for real, instead of playing through someone else's. It turned out to be really great and I enjoy it a lot. We only play once a week on Sunday night and I look forward to it which is odd, since I'm not normally a super social person. I could tell you a half a dozen things about it but I'll keep this short. *Feel free to read the rest. No more triggers.* *The third thing was taking me to the Renaissance fair. I had SO much fun. I am actually going to consider volunteering the year after next. It's funny because I'm obsessed with fantasy and things that don't exist in this reality. So its nice. Once a year I can thrive in a fantasy for 6 weekends and the rest of the year I can deal with reality. It makes reality a bit more tolerable. Anyway, the reason I brought this up is because I felt a true connection to the fair. Like I was meant to be there and meant to be a part of it. This lifted my spirits from the deep darkness I had been in for a while. Being there with a friend made it even better. *The fourth thing was probably the biggest thing of all. So, I might have brought up that our car has been missing for a few months and thus we cannot get groceries, get to doctors, or really do anything. ... My new friend took us to our car to get it towed. We JUST got it back 3 days ago. I'm finally feeling much happier and all of the stress is leaving me. We have food. Its been ages since I've had anything but junk food. *that is literally all we could get. the only store within walking distance is Wallgreens and their food aisle is a joke. I would literally rename their *food aisle* the *the un-sustainable aisle of junkfood* I am not joking. I felt like I was dying from lack of nutrition. I eat a very vitamin rich diet when I have the means to get it, so eating nothing but junk food has affected my system very negatively. If it weren't for my friends, I'm sure I'd be even worse off right now. They took me out to eat several times and tried to keep me healthy. Something odd happened yesterday though. We went out to eat yesterday and I had an anxiety attack. We sat in those booths that I hate. I'm claustrophobic and emetophobic so sitting that close to someone especially when eating is very uncomfortable. I told my family I was very uncomfortable sitting in the booth a few times but tried to deal with it. Finally, i started shaking and breathing hard and got nauseous. I told mom I had to get out and sat in the booth behind them alone the rest of the meal. I also barely ate due to the attack. No idea what caused it. I had been out to eat several times before recently as I mentioned. I did have some stress when people were eating in the car around me though once. Perhaps the stress of things lately is affecting my phobias. Anyway, I want to talk about a couple more things before I post this. Gaming. It was different this time. I would play something and 10 minutes later quit and switch to something else. Or literally open a game and close it moments later. I just lacked the desire to do it. It was very odd to not *want* to play them. At a certain point I actually did enjoy a short gaming session but it didn't last too long and it left me with absolutely no desire to game again. Life is too short to do that all the time and I think I actually understand myself more now than I had a relapse. I know what triggers me, I know why I play, and I know why i don't want to anymore. Before now the answers to those questions were sort of foggy but now I know them. Its funny. My best friend of 15ish years decided to start taking things I vent to her and tell everyone. they were never major things. She kept asking me questions about our friends while I was venting about how hard things have been so I told her I thought a friend was being a jerk lately to our other friend and she told them and they literally griped me out. I told them "I'm just venting, Se kept asking me questions about you while venting so it just came out.* I never knew her to talk behind my back or gossip about me or anything. A few days later she gossiped about me to my other friend and told her complete lies of things I never said. Its like ever since I started making friends, She has had it out for me. Anyway, we're not friends anymore. She told me she didn't want to be anymore so there we have it. Right after that, I met friends who actually cared. Funny how life works some times huh? I didn't even cry about losing that friend. Yea, we had been friends for 15-16 years but my life was too stressful at that time to really be emotional about it. And finally, I never wanted people to help me so much. I've always been a giver and had friends that took a lot but hardly ever gave. I've bought about 30 games on steam for my friends alone and I've offered a room to struggling friends and even money. But this time I met people who give. I don't know how to tell them how much they've changed my life. 3 months and my life completely changes. Thanks to this forum, my new friends, and my own goals. I think I will be okay now. Now that I know the reasons behind my gaming and have friends by my side, I'll be good. You guys will always be my guiding light as well. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, I just feel like I've broken ground and am saying goodbye to the old me right now. Things are definitely changing. I will try to post more often now that I'm not having such a rough time of it. Peace out guys. <3 ~Note, my tablet isn't working on windows 10 so I can't draw. ;n;

Working on it. I do have antibiotics now so WOOT! x3

Went to the Urgent Care because I was so sick. Apparently I have one tough bout of Bronchitis. I got some antibiotics though so I should improve quickly. As for not gaming. Ugh. It has been an entire month of not being able to do anything. I gave in. No major games, just playing a dumb flash game here and there to ease the constant boredom. I intend to quit again once I can get up and do things though. Every time I try to walk I end up nearly falling flat on my face. I have some equilibrium issues caused by ear issues caused by my bronchitis so I am WAY off balance and I can't walk very well. They put a *fall hazard* bracelet on me at the UC.I fell last night and landed on my collar bone. How you ask? I was beside my bed and my knees gave out and I landed on my knee and my collar bone hit the foot of my bed. Oww. :I Had to sleep with a heating pad for 3 hours today for that one. All in all, I am starting to feel better but it's a super slow recovery. I have never been this sick before. The nurse says it seems like I had a bad sinus infection which turned into Bronchitis. I just wanna be better so I can concentrate on recovery again... sigh.

really? Wow. I'm really glad I'm not alone though. And congrats on all you have accomplished! I've had insanely realistic dreams ever since I quit playing. Not even all about gaming. Some were just random events, others were from creepypastas I'd read and others were from movies. Total randomness.