[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

I lost my job today.  I'm part of a "mass corporate layoff", so to speak. I'm at least getting a severance package, allegedly per the laws here (I don't know, I'm not a lawyer and I can't afford one).  The income from this should keep me afloat for at least 2 months and I am eligible for provincial unemployment "benefits" (i.e., "welfare"); though in my experience the latter isn't even enough to pay rent (let alone other living expenses).  I had a feeling this was coming and here it is.

I got an email yesterday at 4pm to go to this very important meeting (with DO NOT SHARE/FOWARD THIS in the fine print), in less than 24 hours, in "that room" - the big conference one on the 1st floor, away from cubicles, close to the entrance/exit - with no specific project even being mentioned in the email.  I was terrified and started to panic.  I thought I was going to get "fired" with no compensation, I cried and lamented my existence for a while, lying in bed.  I had just payed my credit card bill that day and realized I didn't have enough money to pay for another month of living expenses without cutting or selling off things even with my regular income.  I had some pretty dark thoughts that I won't get into... thankfully I was only partially right.  I am losing my job but with time to hopefully recover and find another one.  This might turn out to be a blessing, you never know.

I hated my job, or what it had become.  It just did not help me fulfill any of my psychological needs, and barely helped me fulfill my physical ones.  It's hard to feel safe, welcome, and valuable when you're finances have been dwindling for months. as you struggle with mental and physical health hurdles and get no raise to keep up with inflation.  I hope that my next job, or rather the people that I work with, will give me a better chance to feel more welcome and valuable.

There's no real lesson for me here.  Although I try to leave political ideology out of my posts here, you probably know I'm more "anti" than "pro" capitalism.  I was already disillusioned about the internal politics/competition and propaganda (shallow corporate "wokeness").  It doesn't matter how "good" of a person your manager and/or HR rep is, if upper management drops a ruling, they have to comply, no matter how arbitrary and unfair it might be.  In the end, all workers (people) are more expendable than the trending corporate stock value.  ~35-40 more people were laid off in the same meeting as me and the company reps expressed similar events happening in other departments and locations across the company.  I'm just guessing but this could be a solid ~5% cut to the workforce worldwide.  I'm lucky, in a sense, some people were in a more precarious position than I was.  Some complained that their temporary residency in this country depended on this job.  A woman, 6 or 7 months pregnant, complained that she was due to give birth just a few days after the "date of termination" she just learned about.  I hope the "severance package" these people receive is adapted in accordance with these needs.  I doubt it though.

Anyways... I'm gonna try to be careful and even though I haven't completely abstained yet, I will do my best to avoid going down the binge-gaming path.  I have some paperwork to do, and I have to go job hunting again soon while I can still afford to live.  Wish me luck fellows.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Psychological Needs

First of all, a little bit on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  It is a motivational theory in psychology; a model - a coherent set of ideas/principles - that attempts to explain what motivates (i.e., compelles) people to act the way they do.  There is more than one theory on this topic, of course, human psychology is a relatively young and nuanced field of study.  One can approach the same problem from many different angles so to speak and so far there doesn't seem to be an all-encompassing one.

Second, the "hierarchical" nature of the theory is more fluid than hierarchies are typically seen as.  You don't have to fully fulfill your basic needs before experiencing motivation to fulfill psychological ones.  However, a deficit in having lower/base needs met does tend to affect our motivation more than a deficit in higher/complex needs.  It's also very likely that one motivation is affected by multiple different types of deficits to varying degrees.  For example, people tackling medical issues often experience an identity/existential crisis of the sort in tandem with the ongoing or anticipated physical pain and suffering.  On the other hand, just because I have several chronic conditions, I can expect some motivation to work on other needs, in between "flare-ups" and "mishaps" at least.

Finally, I chose to use Maslow's theory in a rather arbitrary/instinctive manner; i.e., I didn't thoroughly educate myself on it or any other theory before choosing it.  I'm not an expert at all and I didn't consult one either.  This is 100% my opinion based on a very limited understanding.  I'm just trying to make sense of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior for my practical purposes at this time.  At other times I may find other motivational theories more practical.

So... what are my psychological needs and how does my version of gaming fit (likely inadequately)?

Belonging

It's no secret that I am not part of any club/activity group at the moment, I'm not taking any classes, nor do I go out to social venues hoping to meet new people.  I also work from home 99% of the time, with little to no feedback, after being forced to change teams mid 2023.  At the moment, my only regular social activity is having that 1 friend over every Saturday.  I would probably go insane without that friend.  It hurts when one of us has to cancel.  I think my general mood (frustration and sadness) is well demonstrated by the following song: Lonely Day by System Of A Down.

I always struggled to nurture this sense of belonging.  It feels daunting just to make plans and following through often leaves me feeling exhausted and disatisfied.   What I crave, I suppose, is reliable intimacy and affection, something I shouldn't expect right from the beginning in my culture.  It takes time to build bonds.  It's almost like you have to "just be there" when someone is accidentally vulnerable to prove you won't take advantage of them.  IDK, maybe most people just don't feel the need to be heard and valued as strongly as I do. ... *sigh*... it takes time but it's possible.

Video games... at least the way that I engage with them, don't do that for me.  I mostly play single-player games, sometimes deliberately distracting myself from the loneliness.  Occasionally, I will "bond" with someone over similar feelings we've had playing similar (if not the same) games, I think that's the social aspect I'm afraid to miss out on.  Video games are such a ubiquitous part of our culture now that it's easy to find people who have had similar experiences as you.  You don't even have to ask, people have clothing, accessories, and decorations with video game artwork on them all the time.  Every other hobby I had has been more niche and less relatable.  Not that they are completely unrelatable, for example, I often find ways to compare my experiences playing and watching chess to that of sports.  Still, this is more difficult than just talking about stuff we are both intimately familiar with.  However, to deflate the value of gaming a bit, the modern experiences I share related to gaming are rarely "life-changing" to me, per se, nor has bin the sharing itself.  It's almost like I'm trying to hold on to this quick hack/excuse for any conversation, it's not all the time I spend playing games alone at home that brings me the most joy, it's when I get the chance to casually share my experience that I feel the most joy.

I need to go out more.  I've said this many times but yeah... I need to take the time to cultivate more experiences in other areas so that I can share them.  I need to meet people that I can share my experiences with.  I've already done this at other times in my life, to a lesser degree, in improv and board games.  To truly beat it, I need to persevere through the fear of rejection and abandonment, I need to prove my pessimistic assumptions wrong... I signed up for a casual improv night this week but I need to look into doing more activities.  I should try going to the office sometime this week as well.  It's much easier to strike up a casual conversation there than when I am at home.

Esteem

(To be continued...)

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Journey to the Western Hemisphere (i.e., Self-Reflection): Why Do I Relapse?

Alrighty, so... here's the journal entry I made immediately before my latest relapse:

TW: Not too dark but does glorify instant gratification a bit.  Maybe skip this if you feel vulnerable to temptation now.

Quote

I don't want to quit gaming.  I don't want to live more "neutral" sensations.  At least, not yet.  I want to "play", I want to feel "pleasure".  Is it really possible to stop wanting that?  I really wish there was a way to measure how much I have/am experiencing and how much I need.

Perhaps, with some cognitive effort, I can shift where I draw the line between work/chores and play/hobbies so that it doesn't feel like video games are the only kind of "play" I can experience on my own.  But what is "play"?  It's not like it doesn't require energy/labor, it's the amount of pleasure we get out of it the hedonic output so to speak, that characterizes it.

It ends abruptly there and it wouldn't have been unlike me to say "fuck it" and start indulging.  For those who don't know me, I suffer from borderline personality disorder.  What this means and what I find is reflected here is that I intuitively stray from the "balanced" perspective ("wise mind" in dialectical behavior therapy [i.e., DBT] or the "middle path" in spiritual lingo).  I tend to either shut out my emotions too much (in DBT they call this "rational mind" but I prefer calling it "mechanical/industrial mind") or give in to my emotions too much ("emotional mind" in DBT or what I like to call "impulsive/animal mind").  I think that after neglecting - if not downright chastising - my desire for pleasure too much for 4-5 days, I flipped to the indulgence side, skipping a compromise.  I was on the right path in the second paragraph, questioning my urges, my perspective, assumptions, etc. ... my emotions won overall control in the end but I wasn't too far off from "succeeding".  So, what was missing?

I'm not very skilled at identifying what my needs are and how to fulfill them.  Maslow's Hierarchy of needs comes to mind:

• Basic Needs
  • Physiological
  • Safety
• Psychological Needs
  • Belonging
  • Esteem
• Self-Fulfillment Needs
  • Self-Actualization

One thing is certain to me, as is reflected in the first paragraph of the journal entry I shared: my desire for gratification/validation drastically outweighs the amount I am getting overall.  I guess you could say where I am the most lacking is in psychological fulfillment; i.e., having my psychological needs met.  It's hard to say why. is it that I desire too much?  Is it that I'm not getting the right kind or amount from extrinsic sources?  Is it that I am not intrinsically mustering enough for myself?  Could it be that I am not recognizing and accepting from available sources of gratification/validation?  Could it be, ALL OF THE ABOVE!? ... Probably, yeah...

Ooof that's a lot of tough questions.  I've been sitting here for like >2 hours and a new but very familiar neglected physiological need is arising: Hunger!  I will attend to this need now.  better late than never.  I will digest these thoughts (and my meal) and come back tomorrow.  I want to explore how my gaming fits into all of this, why it isn't enough, and where else I can look.

P.S. Thank you so much for the feedback @Vee and @LevelUp. 🙂 I was having a bad morning but coming here and seeing this support lightened the mood.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Preparing to Try Again

I ended up relapsing (to some degree) on the morrow of my last post.  I don't remember a particular event that triggered me, just reaching the end of my emotional tolerance.  I have a personal journal entry that reflects the state of mind I was in at the moment I gave in and I will see what I can extrapolate from it and what I can learn from it. 

It would've been possible to recover sooner but 2 days later I had a new medical emergency that shook me a bit.  I rushed to my local emergency clinic.  After 8-9 hours of wait time was diagnosed with Bell's palsy - half of my face is paralyzed due to temporary nerve damage.  It was a relief that it wasn't a more serious neurological issue.  Still, I had a special event I wanted to attend that upcoming weekend that I had to sit out of.  The next weekend (the one that just passed), I had to cancel another attendance at a special event because of an eye infection (I am prone to these because of my dry eye syndrome). 

The physical effects are tolerable, from home at least but I can't deny the psychological impact.  At times, I do feel like I am cursed, like a bad genetic role at birth or something, given all my medical issues.  I know I'm not the only one and some people have it worse but yeah, most people don't have as many medical issues as I have at this age.  So, I had a minor emotional meltdown yesterday.  I was so angry and sad.  I happened to have a session with my psychologist and he recommended that I take this week off - he even gave me a signed letter in case I needed to show it to my manager.  So, yeah... I'm taking this week off. 

Still, I can't just sit here and use this an excuse to just play more games.  First of all, I have to do everything in my power to recover from the eye infection, and staring at screens doesn't help.  Second, what can I do to feel less tired and frustrated going forward?  I just want to enjoy life more, you know what I'm saying?  I don't know exactly what I need to change but I have to change something(s) to get out of this depression.  I know gaming the way I do is one of those things I need to change.  I'm not quitting today exactly, I need to think about this more, unpack theories on why I relapse, and what I can maybe do to improve my avoidance of or recovery from another relapse.  I have some ideas... I feel like I am close to a kernel of wisdom I need to learn (or simply remember).  I will try to come back and post about it here tomorrow or the day after.

Anyway, I'm glad I have an account here and made all these journal entries.  I'm glad I had all these replies from some of you folks.  Thank you so much for the support, it's the main reason why I keep coming back from time to time, giving myself another chance.  I have a personal journal entry that reflects the state of mind I was in at the moment I gave in and I will see what I can extrapolate from it and what I can learn from it.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

4 Days In - More Auto-Saves Please

I have been ~96 hours "sober".  I experience cravings multiple times throughout the day.  A combination of triggers: marketing (ads, and "recommended" content), sometimes triggered by routine, and sometimes triggered by discomfort.  I'm experiencing some now because of the former and the latter.

I logged into work this morning (I work from home 99% of the time) and found that most of the products of several hours of work I did last week disappeared.  I was writing/documenting my work extensively on a web "ticket" (JIRA, for those familiar with the platform) and forgot to click "save".  It's freaking 2024 and I still have to explicitly click "save" from time to time.  Usually, I come back the next day, and my "draft" is still available but for whatever reason, this one was completely lost over the weekend.  Whatever...

I was sitting there, failing to find "the point" in putting in so much effort; how I was unlikely to receive any feedback down the line unless something broke; how I didn't even get a raise to match inflation for all my effort last year.  I wanted a distraction, so I turned to YouTube, and find the "recommended videos" list filled to the brim with videos about games I have quit playing recently.  The effort I put into killing enemies, building a base, etc. as pointless as it also is, at least gets fuckin' auto-saved in these modern games.

*sigh* ... I came here to rant instead of giving in.  I can congratulate myself for not giving in completely, not relapsing, at least.  I'll get back to work after lunch.  I think I'm just going to turn in what I have done so far.  It's flawed but it works and I'm at my limits, I need to move on.

[Can’t even go through 1 day.]

Quote

[...] should I distract myself? Have a rest during a craving?

Well... that depends.  Or maybe I should say, distraction has its limits.  Distraction does not force a problem to leave, nor does it prevent it from returning.  People often develop addictions because they feel they have no choice but to distract themselves from recurring distress.  So, in between the peaks at least - the moments closest to "clarity" so to speak - working towards changing what we can and accepting what we cannot change would probably be helpful in the long term.

Also, don't mistake all pleasure-seeking as a "healthy distraction".  It's only reasonable to settle for "neutral" or "mildly satisfying" sensations from time to time on a day-by-day basis.  We don't need to be hyper-stimulated all the time.

But yeah, I came here as a "distraction" while I was experiencing cravings, and diverting my attention toward this post (yours and mine) has helped pass the time and the cravings have settled down a bit.  I know I will experience some again tomorrow and I'm ok with that.  In the meantime, it's getting late, I will rest and hopefully, this will give me a chance to accept and cope with cravings effectively when they return.

Good luck on your path my friend.  Peace out.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Thank you for all the replies folks.  I appreciate how you have accepted the way I feel, even if we don't always agree on the causes.

I haven't quit gaming yet but I'm contemplating it (again).  I tried to quit last weekend but it was an impulsive, ill-prepared, half-assed attempt (I still played a mobile game and didn't plan to cope with stronger cravings).  Still, it's a good sign that I am catching a glimpse of a way out of this cycle.  I think I have the mindfulness to detect and observe (introspection) when I experience cravings but I am still developing the wisdom to cope with them.  This weekend, I had a small breakthrough by accepting the cravings in a non-judgemental manner.  I mustn't judge my feelings, if not so far as my entire being, as "bad".  Aversion to the things we cannot avoid can be just as toxic as clinging to the things we cannot have; 2 sides of the same coin IMO.

I think I caved in at some point because I wasn't able to understand what my subconscious was trying to fulfill; in other words, what were these cravings hoping to achieve, to compensate for?  It's difficult to think logically about this in the middle of it all but in hindsight, I believe I was attempting to compensate for the lack of validation/appreciation in my life.  As I've probably mentioned several times, one of my big problems is that I instinctively rely too heavily on extrinsic sources of validation, which aren't always available (like people) or even effective (like games).  It seems reasonable to assume that appreciating, valuing, and loving my thoughts, actions, and very being more could appease some of these cravings.

It took me a significant amount of effort to conclude as stated above, even in the relatively calm setting I am in now.  It would be irrational to assume I will come to the same conclusion in the middle of an "episode".  I would probably benefit from taking a little bit of time to deliberately practice more gratitude, and kindness towards myself when I can.  Daily gratitude journaling seemed helpful many years ago, perhaps I should try resuming that again.  Then there's loving-kindness meditation and self-affirmations.  Hopefully, over time, I will find it less daunting to accept and appease my cravings, from time to time.

Again, thank you for all the replies folks.  It pleases me that my post got more attention than I was expecting.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Just a Rant

TW: Major Depression and what it might entail

2023 has been a shit year for a lot of people.  I don't believe my circumstances are some of the worst out there.  I don't believe my grievances are worth the most attention.  Still, I feel this urge to express myself, hoping someone can hear me out and validate my pain/suffering before suggesting I feel any differently - as if there was an easy way to instantly achieve that.  It's an emotional need I suspect a lot of people these days - given the atomization of modern living - haven't been getting.  So, thank you in advance if you so much as take the time to read this, let alone those that take the time to tell me "It's ok to feel the way you do".

My last post gives you a glance at the morbid context in my personal life as I entered 2023.  After countless delays with our underfunded & understaffed medical system, it took ~11 months for the surgery to finally happen.  In the post-surgery lab analysis report it was deemed that I didn't even have cancer, a false positive.  I had to pay 300+ CAD for the biopsy that gave me this false positive.  I was advised to choose between radiation and surgery, despite a conflicting secondary analysis of the biopsy, over a false positive.  I took medication for 3 months to rule out a potential fungal infection without any subsequent testing to confirm whether I indeed had cancer or not.  I went through surgery to the face (it was part of my lower lip) over a false positive.  For 11 months, with the ominous burden and that sense of powerlessness over it, I lost nearly all will to work, socialize, take care of myself, or even live (suicidal ideation) over a false positive.  So, pardon me if I didn't react chipperly to the "good news" with no formal apologies, no compensation.

When this period of my life all started, I was working part-time, trying my damn hardest to ramp back up to working full-time after a ~2 year long-term disability (mostly mental health) on top of the pandemic.  No surprise that this cancer hurdle kind of threw a wrench in those wheels of progress if you catch what I'm trying to say.  But here's the thing about neo-liberal capitalism: while you struggle, while you're at a disadvantage, the machine doesn't stop turning, it's not the machine's responsibility to make sure every cog's needs are met.  You are still expected to work work work, and the cost of living keeps going up up up, which makes it harder and harder to not feel down, down, down.  The cost of psychotherapy went up.  The cost of food went up.  The cost of transit services (public or private) went up.  The cost of rent went up.  My wage?  Well, it increased by a massive 0%!  The benefits that barely cover ~10% of my psychotherapy costs?  Those went up a massive 0% too!  My yearly office job bonus?  Oh, I only get 25% of that, before taxes!  According to the Canada Revenu Agency, the cost of living in Ontario went up by ~3.3% in 2023.  In my case, my rent is poised to go up ~6% (this is more than twice over the government "guidelines").  I feel so welcome by this new team that I'm in where no one ever talks to me, where I get little to no feedback on my work.  This team with toxic coworkers who believe women are inferior and that kids need a "good" beating but it's ok because they work full-time.

Did I mention how shitty my holidays were?  How much my mom demands that I feel a certain way?  How I didn't get to spend any quality 1 on 1 time with my cousins, aunts, and uncles?  How my mom doesn't live in my hometown anymore so I don't even get to see my childhood friends during the holidays anymore?

*sigh* It seems crazy to me how I'm expected to be "high functioning" throughout all this.  Of course, I'm nearly completely submerged in gaming.  the way that I game, it's my escape, my drug of choice, if you catch my drift.  It's easier to live another day when you don't think when you're distracted.  That's all I need to do right?  Live another day?  If you want to call it "living"... every day I tell myself "Tomorrow is the day.  Tomorrow I will get up on time.  Go to the office, actually get something done." but that day never comes.  I can "work from home" but just sitting there is agonizing.  I guess that's what they mean when people say they hate their job.  There were always tasks I didn't like but now it's everything.  I don't think quitting and getting another job is the solution either.  While the change may feel good for a while, eventually I will end up feeling the same way.  The problem is that there's no place for half-able, "divergent" people like me.  The possibility of eventual complete disability terrifies me even more.  I can still afford to live like this for a few more months, perhaps a year before I have to start selling off possessions.  Maybe I will have a breakthrough before then, maybe tomorrow, just not today...

If you read this, thank you so much for hearing me out.  If I could, I would hug you (if that's ok with you of course).  I hope you are doing well and if not well... we're in a similar place in our minds, my friend, and it makes sense to that we feel this way.  Good luck going forward.

Peace out.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

I just learned that I have cancer.  It's an oral cancer.  I have a small tumor in my lower lip.  It's rather painful.  They're going to surgically remove it in the coming weeks.  Hopefully it all goes well. 

This isn't the first time I have cancer.  Last time was worst.  Still, it's a freakin' another bitch slap to the face I would've rather avoided.  It's hard to be satisfied with life when you're in pain. 

Anyways... I'm not giving up.  There's still hope.  Wish me luck comerades.

Peace out.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

[...] remembering my personal successes in sport gives me motivation in fulfilling all of my other duties.

That, IMO, highlights one the difference between a healty dose of "escapism" and the not so healthy kind.  Without that last statement, it's hard to determine whether your approach to boxing is wiser than my approach to gaming was.  When you're boxing, as you describe, it does more to you than just help you "forget everything else", it also helps you boost your sense of self-worth (i.e., self-esteem).

I wasn't kidding about going back to bed at noon in my last post; I was tired.  However, it wasn't just the comfort of my bed that was soothing, it was the thought that what I was doing was "right", that I deserved a break, that my wellbeing, and by extention my very being, are valuable to me even if they aren't being comodified.  I believe this element of intrinsic "escape" is far more beneficial than the extrinsic ones.  It's the thoughts and feelings (consious or not) that come to mind during and after our actions that really make the difference.

Trying to cultivate these positive thoughts and feelings (intrinsic rewards) would be a wise thing for me to do.  I'm going to do an act of self-care now along this line.  So  thank you for replying.  This isn't always a given but the line of thought it ended up assissting me down, could be beneficial in the long run.

Keep doing what you're doing comerade.  Peace out.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day -1 — I'm Not Lazy

As the ambiguous nature of "Day -1" and "Day ???" imply, I haven't been "sober" for the past couple of months.  Even with my PC broken, I've spent many hours playing games on my phone.  Consequently, I've been neglecting to do acts of self-care... but how accountable for this am I really?  It's not like I haven't done anything, maybe I'm just not giving myself credit where it's due, and chastising myself where it's unsuitable.

I started reading this book called Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price.  If I understand correctly, the author argues that a significant part of western culture, conditions many of us to priorities productivity over wellbeing (i.e. hustle culture); to the point where many of us harshly shame and excessively scrutinize ourselves and each other for having biological limits.  At the core of every behavorial/cultural pattern, I think it's fair to assume, there is a set of values/beliefs that enable and sustain it.  In this case, the author the following set dubbed "The Laziness Lie":

* Your worth is your productivity.

* You cannot trust your own feelings and limits.

* There is always more you could be doing.

I'm still early in the book but it was explicitely stated that "wasting time" is a basic human need, that we ought to be more compassionate; acknowledging our own and other people's limits.

With that in mind, my relapse over the past couple of months... I can't pin it on one cause but for now at least, I'm not able to be as "productive" as our system enforces.  When I take the time to listen to my body and mental queues, throughout the day I'm anxious and frustrated, and by the end of it I'm tired and lonely.  The pressure to keep up this 40h/week on top of putting in the work to overcome my physical and mental health issues... no wonder I'm having so many urges to "escape".

All that said, that's a bit of pressure of my shoulders.  I'm still valuable, despite my limitations.  What I did do wasn't easy for me and shouldn't be taken for granted.  I did my best and that's enough for me.  I don't need to hide, I don't need to "escape".  What I really need is more time to effectively rest and self-care, and that's ok.  It's noon here and I'm going back to bed now.  Peace!

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day *** — Shame & Accountability

Someone got mad at me in group therapy today.  They didn't go on a rampage or anything like that.  It wasn't even in person.  However, when they said "I think your full of shit!" it was a bit shaking.  Some of the first thoughts in my mind was "Where is this coming from?  What did I do wrong?"

I'm seeing a social worker to try and help with this gaming addiction.  She helped me realise today that I was spending more time trying to understand the person that got angry than I did so for myself (the victim).  That's not to say I didn't do anything that motivated the outburst directed at me, more like the "punishment" didn't fit the "crime" if I did.  Like, if I did cross a boundary, said boundary wasn't pre-established and it wasn't impossible to discuss it calmly.  Anyways, yeah, I think this cognitive reaction (the thoughts I was having) stem from my childhood.  When my dad yelled at me, I didn't have the mindfulness to realize I deserved better.  When my best friend made an apparent suicide attempt, I didn't have the mindfulness to realize the same.  When I was ostracized by my peers for looking different (I had odd dark patches of skin because of chemotherapy)... 

Wow.  It feels good to say that.  "I deserved better"... just wow... I think I need to hear that more often.  I'll need to be careful not to overdo it, take things for granted but yeah... sometimes, I probably deserve less blame/shame in general.

[Gamer’s archetype quiz]

On 1/6/2022 at 3:51 PM, Amphibian220 said:

I want everyone on the forum to give valuable information on what the gamer is least likely of.  We can therefore construct a picture of what we need to be working on!

I definitely appreciate your desire to inspire some kind of team spirit @Amphibian220.  Identifying the behavioral patterns we regret is certainly essential to recovery.  However, I don't mean to condemn your post (I don't think it's "bad") but I can imagine why so few people are jumping in.  First of all, there aren't many active users on this forum; you might have better chances to have deeper conversation on the Discord server.  Second, not everyone is keen to expose themselves on public forum like this.  Third, not everyone is keen to exposing not just themselves but "gamers" as a whole, which would include many of our peers.  Even if many participants are anonymous, there's an underlying element of "judgement", towards our selves and others, that can't always just be brushed under the rug with a playful "come on guys" tone.  Anyways, this would probably be a more successful thread in a private/professional setting (therapy, support groups, family, friends, etc.)

Anyways, I am making a lot of assumptions, perhaps projecting myself on others a little too much, so take it with a grain of salt.  I do believe you have the best of intentions and like I initially said, I do appreciate the "team spirit" aspect I imagine you're going for.  So, I'm going to contribute a bit.

I second the patterns you and @Nico Indigo have mentioned so far.  Another one for me is, as I am likely to neglect sleep and clothing hygiene, I tend to do the same related to food and cooking.  I often procrastinate on doing the dishes and going grocery shopping, in fact, I'm kind of doing that now (even though I'm not gaming).  I will often order fast-food just to "save" (*air quotes*) the time and effort by avoiding shopping and cooking.  I put air quotes their because, in the end, I often just end up wasting that time on instantly gratifying things.  Even if I do dedicate the time towards more constructive/wholesome activities, the poor dietary choices involve have long-term effects of their own.

Whatever people add here, I wouldn't be surprised if we could all summarize it as neglecting someone's needs (physical or emotional), especially our own.  Even if I stop gaming, if I continue to neglect other more important things, my problem isn't really fixed now is it?  Identifying these things like we're going here is an essential step but in many cases, far from the last.  I really envy people who can seemingly just start and maintain a healthy habit.  However, many of us aren't starting from that same place as they are.  Many of us have far more deeply rooted problems.  As much as I know on behavioral level what I could do to perhaps live a "better" life, it's not just uncomfortable to make these changes, it's downright agonizing.  I can't just change the way I behave, I need to change the way I think and feel as well; I need to address the cognitive parts of this whole mess.  And that my friend, is quite the challenge (if it wasn't I wouldn't be here).

If anyone has anything to say about the changes they are trying to achieve in terms of cognition, I'd love to hear more.  You DM me if that'd make you more comfortable.  Personally, one of the things I'm trying to free myself of is that all or nothing mindset.  One of the key sets of emotions behind, for me, is the fear of failure — or more accurately in my case, fear of making mistakes.  I'm afraid of being punished, despite my best effort.  A lot of times when I procrastinate, give up, or push myself too hard, it's often because of 2 things: 1) I can't do a "good" job and 2) not doing a "good" job is "bad".  Whatever the definition of "good" for the task at hand, it's a bunch of expectations I'm afraid or disgusted by the prospect of not meeting; expectations that are often my own might I add.  If my expectations weren't so high, if I allowed myself to make mistakes more often, making changes would be more achievable.  So yeah improving my ability to lower my expectations and wholeheartedly accept perceived mistakes would make a huge difference.  Not sure how I can put this into practice right now but I'll figure something out.

ANYWAYS, good luck on your path and take care.  Peace out.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 8 — Accidentally Hypervigilant

Starting in February 2020, I've been through short-term disability, a failed attempt at gradually returning to work, long-term disability.  2 weeks ago was the beginning of my second attempt at a gradual return to work.  So far, things have been... decent.  As I've expressed in my last post in this thread, my coworkers have been very welcoming and easy going on the tasks delegated to me.  Psychologically however, I haven't always been as stable as I was hoping for.  I'm still prone to make things harder than they need to be.  Don't get me wrong, putting in a extra effort can feel good sometimes; when our efforts yield noticeably better results.  However, there are often times where that extra effort just isn't worth it, or maybe I don't even have the skills (technical, social, emotional, etc.) to make it happen.  I often don't even notice when that's the case until I'm deep into it and regardless, I have a hard-time letting go (i.e., lowering my expectations).

Case and point: Yesterday I did a half-day shift in the afternoon.  I arrived at the office at 12:30pm and so I initially intended to leave around 4:30 to 5pm.  I knew I only had one simple task to do, but I was so determined to make the "best possible solution" that I ended up spending the entire afternoon practically writing an essay about the problem and various solutions.  Figuratively speaking, I was tasked to build a doghouse but I ended up making blueprints for a condo, a cottage, and a mansion.  When I was done I happen to run into the user I was doing this for and after trying to justify the extra complicated solution I was like "The problems I'm preparing to handle are never going to happen, right?"  At that point It was already around 5:30pm, past the time I initially intended to leave.  After all, none of the tasks given to me where urgent.  And yet I jumped on another task (a code review) and ended up extending my stay until 6:30pm.  By the end I was tired, hungry, and frustrated.  I had to cancel plans with a friend and I turned to cheap instant gratification (not video games, just to reassure you, though it did cross my mind).

Luckily, I hand an appointment with my psychologist this morning so I used it to talk about what happened.  We agreed that I had went into a state of hypervigilance; I was really sensitive to details, seeing problems and even threats where their weren't any.  I was seeing "warnings and red flags" in the code, in the tools that we use, in my methodology, and so on... For those who've read The Subtle Art of not Giving a F**K, it's pretty much what Mark Manson would call a feedback loop from hell.  But why does this happen?  What beliefs where driving me and where do those beliefs come from.  Luckily, it's not my first introspection rodeo.  I brought up that the irrational belief (or an academic might say: the cognitive distortion, or schema) was: "I NEED to do this perfectly.  I'm going to be in trouble if I don't."  As I've called it before: The Fear of Failure.  Having this subconscious bias makes sense.  Growing up, I had a dad that yelled a lot, a mom that criticized a lot, and peers that ostracized me a lot.  But when my efforts stood out, when the outcome was beyond expectations, boy did I get some praise then.  Nowadays however, I'm surrounded by professional and respectful colleagues.  When I make mistakes now, in the context of work at least, I'm much more likely to experience constructive feedback more than anything else.  Deeply accepting this reality the way I just described it, especially when I am experience that state of hypervigilance, is easier said than done.  There's emotional regulation tool I learned about from Dialectical Behavior Therapy called Opposite Action, which would probably come in handy.  If I remember correctly, it is ideal for situations when our feelings don't fit the reality before us, which is pretty much exactly what I described above.  I'll need to look into more details on this, their should be more specific advice if I can narrow down my feelings to 1 or 2 specific emotions mentioned in the handouts I have.

ANYWAYS, that's it for me today.  I'm gonna go bowling tomorrow. 😅 Wish me luck!  Peace out and take care folks.

[How many games you have played?]

On 3/19/2022 at 1:14 PM, goodvibes said:

I just lacked having enough tools, information, motivation and/or inspiration to make any changes to do anything about it.  That and my family was enabling my gaming problem by buying me video game consoles and games .. they discouraged me from changing the norm on a regular basis by screaming and beating the crap out of me when I did something wrong. I didn't start making efforts to quit gaming until I quit a career only to start investing a ton of time into games.

Oh, comrade.  I feel for you. 

Don't blame yourself for not having the right knowledge, tools, motivation, etc.  I mean, we live in a society that expects uneducated/unsuccessful parents to pass down the emotional intelligence needed to succeed to their kids.  We expect parents to be able to pass on these skills somehow.  Depending on where you live, parents were deemed generally unqualified to teach our youth how to cope with sexual impulses, yet, we judge that they're somehow qualified to teach kids how to cope with emotional impulses overall?  Psychology experts have been arguing for it for decades but we rarely see emotional intelligence skills taught in school.  Whether you had a chance to acquire and master these tools/skills, like any other set, depends on your luck of the draw in the lottery of birth.  The system, overall, isn't making it easier to acquire and master these tools/skills if you aren't born and raised under the right conditions.  Depending on where you live, one could even argue that the system makes it harder now more than ever to get proper education of any kind as the cost of living keeps increasing, outpacing the increase of your average income.  The lack of access to proper education on the matter isn't the only problem but my point here is this: I strongly believe, the lack of these skills/tools is a systemic problem, not just an individual one.  It's not entirely your fault if you have yet to master the skills you needed to "succeed" in this world.  So like I said at the beginning: don't blame yourself.  Life isn't fair and don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

Traumatic events are undoubtedly at the root of almost every addiction.  I was yelled at and shamed (often inadvertently) by my parents while being ostracized and bullied by my peers at school... clearly my environment wasn't promoting the acquisition and use of a proper emotional tool-belt I'd like to have by now.  Based on what you said about your family, it seems rational to say they didn't help you build that tool-belt either.  Kids like you and me, we barely had a chance, we were practically bound to "self-medicate" one way or another.  I don't know about you but I've been to a lot of addiction meetings and whether it was video-games, exercise, weed, alcohol, gambling, sex, hard-drugs, etc., it's always rooted in someone feeling trapped for a long period of time at some point in their life.  Whether it was a soldier on the battlefield, a minority hiding from oppressive/violent bigots, or a child just crying for some encouragement instead of punishment from their parent(s)... every addict has a story like this.  We were all victimized in ways that create a strong desire for some relief (that need to escape), and that's what video-games felt like they were doing during those times for you and me.  They didn't just feel fun, they felt like one of the most reliable sources of comfort/safety.  At some point in our lives this level of "consumption" felt less destructive than any alternative we had access to.  While the conditions of our life may have objectively changed, unfortunately, that subjective feeling towards it and video games as the most reliable source of comfort didn't.  Now we have to make an extra effort to see things as they are, to see the alternative sources of comfort we have access to, etc.  Anyways, my point here is this: It's tough but you're not alone.  There are people like you out there, that have chance to better understand how you feel, and what you've been through and they wouldn't blame you for it.

Anyways, just to repeat my points: It's not entirely your fault and you're not alone.  You did the best you could think of at every moment in your life.  And you look at you now, you're here, acknowledging what's lacking in your life and trying to do something about it.  That's some awesome self-awareness and tenacity.  You're getting better at this (and by "this", I mean your life).  It's gonna take time, you're gonna fumble and stumble but you'll get back up.  You can be proud of yourself, you're amazing.  👍 Achievement unlocked.  Here, have a flippin' balloon to celebrate --->🎈 Cheers to you mate (or anyone reading this really). ✌️  You got this.

[How many games you have played?]

On 3/19/2022 at 10:33 AM, alle said:

... quitting that particular game is just a struggle.  With that game, I easily wasted thousand of hours. ... Have you played many games for a few hours or did you simply get a game that you played excessively?

Yeah, I understand how some games might be hard to let go.  Personally, this revolves more around franchises or "brands".  Like, a new title from a particular studio/design team or a sequel/re-spin/spinoff of a game I liked comes out. 

So, yeah, as you seem to imply, I think we differ whereas I tended to change games more often.  Sure, I ended up spending hundreds or thousands of hours on one game from time to time (especially sandbox or open world games) but the vast majority of my games were like an impulsive 10-80 hours.  Like, not necessarily as fast as possible but trying to finish the main story/campaign and moving on was a normal approach for me.  I enjoy the surprise of originality/novelty, I don't like "too much" repetition.  I do this in other hobbies as well, like, I really don't enjoy playing the same board game multiple times in a row unless it changes a lot from session to session.  I tend to prefer playing chaotic alignment characters in tabletop RPGs and improv.  Even in my sociopolitical views I tend to favor "radical" changes.

Anyways, this bias towards "novelty/progress/change" has it's disadvantages because it makes it very difficult to develop and maintain new approaches long enough to reap the long-term benefits.  It's like, I depend a lot on short-term extrinsic "rewards" for something to "stick".  My psychologist has mentioned multiple times that I might have a mild case of ADHD but he doesn't have the qualifications to make a full assessment.  I really ought to get that sorted out...

["it's addictive" — the morality of the statement]

During my recent relapse, I was watching a lot of video reviews of the game I was playing.  I don't remember exactly which video said that but I do remember hearing "it's addictive" like its a good thing.  It's clear that when the game has micro-transactions that one is less likely to consider it ethical for the game to be addictive.  It disgusts me a little that someone would praise something because it can likely leads to harmful (and therefor excessive) levels of consumption.  It probably wasn't that person's intention — it's likely they're pretty ignorant — but I can't help but feel like addiction, and by extension people suffering from it, get downplayed here; like it's "no big deal".  Honestly, I wish I could tell this person how serious of a problem addiction can be.  Personally, I don't see how calling something "addictive" ever ought to be framed as anything other than a warning.  Like, I wish it was more obvious to the general public how addiction implies self-destructive behavior.  Maybe then we wouldn't so non-nonchalantly encourage people to engage in addictive behavior.

Do you feel like people and the media downplay/trivialize the impact of addictive substances or content?  How do you feel when people encourage you to engage in addictive behavior?  How do you react in such cases?  What would be more ideal for you?

[How many games you have played?]

Did you mean like games played at the same time (alternating between them)?  Did you mean how many games "completed" or "finished"?  Some of us had been gamers for like decades.  Like, I didn't keep count of course but I personally must've tried at least 500 different games over the course of ~25 years.  I mean, I bought (or received as gifts) 300+ games and then there's all the free browser based and mobile games, games I rented or borrowed, games my friends owned, games in businesses (arcade cabinets and demos) or public places (like the children's hospital, conferences).  So, I'm a bit flabbergasted that your highest option is only 25+. 😅  No disrespect, I don't know how old you are and your addiction is just as valid as mine.  And like, kudos to you for stopping early, if that's the case.  Maybe developing an addiction right off the bat (like with our first few games) is a more modern phenomena.  It feels reasonable to assume that gaming have never been more addicting than it is today, considering the high level of stimulation and how easily accessible games are now.  I mean, I have a marijuana problem as well but at least I can't just download marijuana or go get me some cheap extra addictive browser-based or mobile marijuana. 🤣

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 5 — I'm doing ok

It's Friday and I'm having a good week.  Nothing mind-blowing but little victories here and there.

First of all, I started my gradual return to work last week.  Although I only worked 8 hours this week, I did receive a rather warm welcome, had time to finish a task, document, and submit my work.  I got to meet one of the newer employees and we seem to get along pretty well.  I got to chat with some of my old coworkers and mentors.  Pretty heartwarming really.  On the technical side, I have some catching up to do but I'm making a deliberate effort to acknowledge my limitations and not "over-promise".  I'm trying hard not to try too hard. 😅 One of the most common pitfalls when I try to be productive, as I've mentioned many times in previous post, is that "all or nothing" tendency.  Like, I'm super motivated at first.  However, if things don't go according to plan, the fear of failure (anxiety) starts to pile up and the "prophecy" fulfills itself; the anxiety and shame build-up becomes to hard to handle and I give up.  The saddest part is that none of this pressure comes from my actual peers, most of it comes from me.  I always have the opportunity to express my feelings and opinions or ask for help with the work, I'm often in one of the best positions to determine if the task is too hard or not, but I don't.  So, I'm taking it easy for now.  If gonna take a dozen weeks to ramp up and even more if I feel the need to.  Right now, I'm working less than 20 hours a week and I'm not taking anything with a stressful deadline.  I need to take the time to get acclimated to the changes returning to work implies and that's ok.

After watching a video last Wednesday, I began reflecting on self-acceptance and said to myself "It's ok.  I'm proud of you." I burst into tears.  It's ok to feel the way I do, considering all the circumstances that have led up to the present moment.  I'm proud that I'm trying my best, even if it isn't always enough to get what I want.  I really wish I got that kind of feedback more often growing up, maybe then it would be more intuitive to have these thoughts on my own.  Anyways, I can't change the past but it isn't to late to start manually injecting myself with these thoughts now.  Hopefully, they'll come more naturally in a time of need.  Maybe one day, it won't feel too good to be true, maybe I won't cry.

Peace out folks.  May you feel safe, happy, and live with ease.  May you accept yourself just the way you are now.  Take care. ❤️

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 1 — Wakey Wakey

'sup peeps?

To anyone who's read some my previous posts, it might not come as a surprise that my ~3 weeks of absence correlates with a relapse. Throughout February, I experienced quite a bit of emotional turmoil which triggers cravings for pleasure as an escape mechanism.  On top of the political storm in my area in February, my disability insurance provider (Sunlife — or as I like to call 'em: Sucklife) out of nowhere decided to accelerate my return to work.  I was willing to attempt a gradual return to work but they gave me no say in terms of the schedule.  Based on some third party expert that has never talked to me or my personal therapist, and who happens to live and practice thousands of kilometers away from where I live, who apparently had no idea what treatments I had access to nor did he have any recommendations, they concluded that I should be able to return to work 2 months faster than the period I'm entitled to.  In order to extend this, I would, once again have to jump through hoops, prove to them that I can't keep up with their demands.  This process can take months (and cost hundreds, if not thousands of dollars) within itself... it's a real dick move on their part and I honestly hope there is a hell with a special place for people that enjoy the profits generated from this industry.  Anyways, this all coincided with the release of a game that had it's grips on me since it was first announced to be in development (back in 2019, before the pandemic).  Even if I didn't follow news about it, it's release made it into my youtube recommendations and trended on reddit.  I ended up giving in, buying it, and playing over ~190 hours over a ~2.5 week period.

Why did I give in?  It's tempting to blame it all on external factors mentioned above but that's not quite right.  I'd be a fool to not at least acknowledge they had a strong impact but on the other hand, I personally wasn't prepared to handle the cravings I'll inevitably experience time and time again.  As much as I was aware I had them and that I wasn't supposed to give in, I had become "out of touch" with the deeper motivations (i.e., my personal values) behind all of this.  Basically, I wasn't mindful enough to skillfully fulfill some of my personal values.  The deeper motivations that are particularly at play here are what I like to call "Competence" and "Autonomy" (which typically amount to a sense of "Control" or "Power").  Watching the world around me apparently, and metaphorically, burn while not having much of a choice in my own recovery pace leaves me feeling quite powerless.  What I really wanted when I turned to video games this time, was a sense of "control", not just over the virtual world I get immersed in but also seemingly over my own emotions.  However, as I'm sure you all know, this sense of control I gain from gaming, over my emotions especially, is an illusion.  The emotions are still there, the only difference is that I'm not paying attention to them.  The only real way to gain some control over these emotions is to acknowledge them and handle them with care.  What I need the most right now, I believe, is to change my perspective away from shame and anger, towards compassion and kindness, especially for myself.

Anyways, I'm going to leave this at that.  I'd like to mention that if it wasn't for my therapist, I might not have even considered what my personal values are and how they might be coming into play here.  This, to me, is definite proof that proper psychotherapy can make a difference.  It took me a while to address this wake up call but I'm glad to say I'm up and about now. *tap myself on the back* 😅 Time to smell some of the roses. ❤️🙂

Peace out folks.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day ??? — Fear of Knowledge

CW: Canadian Politics

First of all, let me make this clear: I'm not posting this here to start a heated "conversation" (i.e. "debate").  If you don't agree with me, please don't reply to me here, in this "personal journal" thread.  If you want to quote me in yours, that's fine, I will offer you the same courtesy as I am asking of you now; I will not engage with you directly on your journal (if at all).  Everyone needs to express their feelings about polarizing topics sometimes.  If you feel like I'm judging you personally, keep in mind that I don't know you and thus it definitely wasn't my intention.  Anyways, here goes...

For those that aren't aware, I am Canadian (maudit osti francophone syrop d'érable orignal maudit criss poutine de coliss).  The recent political situation in Canada has been rather unpleasant for many over the past 3+ weeks, although it appears to be coming to an end, at least for the people that weren't directly affected by this.  A rather small and yet very disruptive minority of anti COVID-19 mandates (vaccines, masks, and other limitations) advocates; i.e. the self-proclaimed "Freedom Convoy".  I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of it all so I'm just going to point out that, according to many polls, ~60% (if not more) Canadians did not support this "protest", and that's not to say the rest outright supported it either (~5-10% tend to just answer neutrally) and I side with that 60% here.  In the end, after more than 3 weeks of ongoing disruption with no sign of diplomatic resolution, this assembly was deemed unlawful by our government and law enforcement stepped in to put a stop to it.  Throughout this period, I was often "triggered" to engage in impractical polarizing discourse on social media, sometimes with family members and often times with complete strangers.  I wasn't always kind and compassionate towards the opposition and neither were they towards me.  Judging from the sheer quantity of accusations being made back and forth between people and groups, It was a very polarizing, and distressful by extension, situation for many Canadians.

One of the things that irritates and scares me the most is the sheer baselessness (or "anti-sciency-ness") of these anti-vax, anti-mask, covid-hoax stances at the core of this "protest".  I mean, it's a good thing to be skeptical of scientific studies and such, in fact, that's why peer review processes are downright fundamental to the scientific method.  However, the "skepticism" of these viewpoints can often easily be traced down to simply not understanding the science and/or not trusting reliable sources; i.e. the poor application or the lack thereof "scientific-literacy" and "media-literacy" skills (deliberate or not) seems to be at the base of a conspiracy theorist's thought patterns.  To be fair, this skills aren't easily acquired and I haven't mastered them either.  I don't know what is surely being taught in elementary and high-schools now, but it wasn't in the common curriculum of my youth that I learned about some of the rigorous studies behind the scientific theories I was being taught.  Similarly, it wasn't in the common curriculum of my youth that I learned how to evaluate the reliability of sources (to be fair, I'm probably still not very good at it).  To put it more simply, I didn't come out of high-school with the scientific-literacy and media-literacy skills I have now, I continued to acquire some here and there because I wanted to.  However, what if a set of beliefs you've been upholding (i.e., one of your ideologies) comes into question by inquiring or simply applying these "scientific-literacy" and "media-literacy" skills.  Well, I doubt you'd adamantly want to keep going down that road.

A couple of days ago, I re-watched a 2021 video by PhilosophyTube entitled "Ignorance & Censorship".  Some of the things that stuck with me after watching it were that:

• Your ideology is characterized as much by the beliefs you don't have than the beliefs you do have.  The same can often be said about behavior (it's not just what you do, it's also what you don't do).
• Sometimes people go out of their way to remain ignorant in order to maintain their personal status quo. (Doxastic Anxiety)
  • For example, Abigail Thorn, who isn't a vegan, points out how she's deliberately choosing not to acquire more knowledge about factory farming, and even, up until that point, deliberately chose not to believe that she was doing so (deliberate ignorance of her deliberate ignorance).
• With doxastic anxiety and doxastic courage (deliberately challenging one's own ignorance, I assume) added into the mix, one could argue that there actually are moral ("good") and immoral ("bad") ways to think.
  • For example, Abigail Thorn, talks about how cigarette companies have systematically taken advantage of the doxastic anxiety of smokers via small injections of doubt about cigarettes causing cancer in the public discourse.  Here doxastic anxiety and it's deliberate reinforcement can cause a lot of harm.

You can totally call it confirmation biase on my part because it sure felt good when I made associations between anti-vaxxers and cigarette smokers, the far-right activists that spearheaded this "protest" (that I hadn't mentioned so far) and cigarette companies.  The nonsensical speculatory (and often racist/xenophobic) narratives spouted by far-right advocates (whether they believe what they're saying or not), like the cigarette companies' private and therefor selectively disclosed studies about cancer, reinforces anti-vaxxers, like cigarette smokers of old, to remain ignorant about the harm they might be causing to themselves and others.  That's why this "anti-science" positions scares me.  How far will we let our own ignorance or the ignorance of our friends and family go?  What can we do about this without risking to impede on innovative ideas that ought to be researched and debated?  How do you teach something to people that don't want to learn it?  Anyways, it's a complicated topic and my understanding has been stretched out to become pretty thin but yeah... it's pretty depressing... I'm starting to believe that although it isn't bad to be passively ignorant (I don't know X, I never needed to know X to make the "right" decisions), on the other end however, being actively ignorant can be pretty harmful (I don't know X, and ought to know X in order to make the "right" decisions, but I'm going out of my way to avoid knowing X or even admitting that I don't know X).  Anyways, it's complicated topic that I don't know much about.  But I think it's safe to say, things wouldn't go out of hand so much if we were more willing to admit whenever we don't know  or understand something important.

Anyways, in the end, I relapsed again Saturday.  Right now, it's 2:30pm and I'm still sitting in my underwear in front of the computer, engaging in my own form doxastic anxiety, deliberately choosing not to look into what might benefit me the most in the long-term, what could help me maintain "sobriety".  I'm literally scared of learning more about the potential benefits of making radical changes like fully deleting my steam account or getting rid of my gaming PC.  I don't and I'm not really trying to know if I can succeed at this.  At least, not in the present moment.  The only thing I can say is that at least, unlike the participants of this "Freedom Convoy", I'm not harming anyone but myself with my negligence, for the time being.  Right?

Anyways, peace out comrades.  I hope you have a nice week.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 9 — Insatiable Cravings

I'm tired.  No, I mean literally.  It's ~9pm and I it's becoming hard to focus.  So why am I here?  Well, although I'm tired part of doesn't want the day to be over.  I had loads of fun today and I don't want the fun to stop.

Part of me was trying really hard to convince the rest to play some video games.  It felt insatiable.  For a while, the phrase "I NEED video games" was echoing in my mind.  Luckily, some of the advice I've received in the past popped it's head: Check the facts & keep try to keep it non-judgemental.  I had to force it but the thought started to alternate between "I NEED video games" and "I simply want to play video games", the latter gradually become more often present.  I don't need games.  I mean, I won't die any faster or stop enjoying everything else in life without playing video games.  Actually, I might die slower depending on what I decide to do with my time. 🤣

It's easy to recall why I decided to quit once I've calmed down.  It's mostly because it's too hard to stop playing once I'm started.  Like, I tend to neglect important things far more often when there's gaming involved.  Not to mention the shame I experience as a result.  In the moment, when I'm at my most vulnerable, it can really take deliberate effort for these reasons to come to mind and even if they do, the don't seem to feel as "true".  Maybe I ought to right them down, assert them more often and recognize the extra things I accomplish because I haven't given in to my urges.  For example, I'm about to go to bed at a more reasonable time.  👏

Anyways, I'm glad I have this platform and you comrades.  Coming here to journal was enough of a distraction to let the intense cravings pass.  I'm gonna follow through on what I ended the last paragraph with.  Peace out folks.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 5 — I have cravings but I can endure

This is going to be really short, I just thought that journaling this moment, recognizing and being grateful for my effort, is going to make it more memorable.

I was experiencing strong cravings for the past couple of hours.  I was bored and I didn't want to feel bored, I was craving stimulation, i.e. instant-gratification.  But the cravings were too intense for a simple snack + anime break or wtv, it was an insatiable craving.  So, I sat down with it, took the time to calm down and read-up a little bit on some notes and handouts I have around mindfulness.  I was reading about Adaptive Denial, a short-term distress tolerance strategy for people that suffer from addiction.  I haven't read much about it but it sounds like a "faith-based" where one just stops trying to reasonably justify their abstinence and simply stick with it out of faith that it will succeed.  As a staunch atheist, I'm quite skeptical of "faith-based" systems but I must admit that sometimes it is to my detriment; applying high-levels of scrutiny towards myself can be harmful at times.  It felt soothing for me to realize that I didn't have to prove to myself that this abstinence is the "best" path or that I will definitely succeed.  These cravings, sure, they come around every now and then but they also go away, they don't last forever.  I'm going to be patient, I can stand this... somewhere else... away from my PC. 😆

Peace out!

[I’m always focused on the wrong things in life.]

Hey @CoolMan29,

First of all, welcome to the Game Quitters forum!

A while ago, I made a post in my personal journal about the "5 stages of change" that my Addiction Recovery Program uses to give us a better idea of where we are at.  Just seeing you here, acknowledging that your behavior is causing you problems is a good sign; you're at least on the second step ("Contemplation") on your path of progress.  Improving one's understanding of the problems we face, instead of instinctively grasping at straws*, is a critical step forward; as G.I. Joe would say, "Knowing* is half the battle".

One of the things that really slows me down sometimes can be found in the language that I use to describe my own behavior.  If there's one thing that I learned (in theory at least) in therapy is that introspection should be done without judgement.  That's not to say that not holding ourselves accountable for our actions would be beneficial.  Au contraire, analysing our own behavior and the outcome of which is part of that "Contemplation" step I mentioned above.  However, when we use vague blanket labels like "good" or "bad" tends to leave us feeling like there's little room for progress.  For example, I try to refrain from calling myself an "addict" because, as with many social constructs, there's a lot of negative connotations associated with that I'm just better off not identifying with.  Even if the there weren't any negative connotations, I am so much more than an "addict"; I am a "survivor", a "mentor" to some, and a "friend" to many, and a "human being" (I swear! beep-boop).

Anyways, my point is: try not to be so hard on yourself buddy.  Statements like...

Quote

I’ve been focusing on the wrong things all the time in my life.

Might be wearing you down.  I think it would be fairer towards yourself to simply say "I don't feel satisfied with some of my cognitive-behavioral tendencies, such as prioritizing the short-term gratification I get from games over the long-term benefits I could get from further education."  I know it's a mouthful but it is more accurate and objective.  You have a hypothesis there at least, if not a theory that you've proven to yourself by now, something that you can work with.  If you can afford consulting a psychiatrist or psychotherapist and haven't done so yet, it would give them something more concrete to work with too.  I'm not an expert but what you are describing sounds a lot like executive dysfunction, a group of symptoms which can be caused by a lot of different things (depression, ADHD, brain injuries, etc.)  It would probably beneficial to at least confirm whether this is the case or not and where it comes from if it is.  I'm starting to wonder if I should go for an ADHD test myself (it was proposed a few times by my psychologist but it's not free).

Maybe I'm projecting myself on you too much here.  I recently relapsed for like... well too many times to count... I am getting back up, it's been 6 days now. I think I am getting better at getting back up and preventing from falling again at least.  Still, I tend to feel a lot of shame and the language that I often use probably doesn't help.  Maybe one day I will have cultivated enough self-value to more easily brush off this change but right now I, like you perhaps, seem to depend on external factors a lot.  Anyways, good luck on your path buddy, give yourself a hug for me.

* I should point out that grasping at straws isn't inherently bad and there are limits to how much knowledge we need to proceed, if it's even possible to acquire.  Sometimes, "grasping at straws" is our only option given the circumstances.  However, if, like me, you find yourself grasping at the same straws over and over again despite being left mostly empty handed, it's probably a good occasion to take a step back and contemplate "What's going on?" (queu the He-Man meme animation of the Four Non Blonds song).

[Do successful people play video games?]

I don't know how reliable the article or data is but...

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A survey sent to us by SeekingArrangement.com says that the majority of “successful” men play games. They surveyed almost 14,000 guys that make at least $100,000 (I wouldn’t call $100k yearly wealthy, but okay) and found out that 54 percent of them play games at least once a week. 

https://www.destructoid.com/even-rich-men-make-time-for-videogames/

When you think about it there's also some people that have become successful through gaming or adjacent careers as well.