Marius

day 28 Yesterday evening was a complete disaster. I thought to watch YouTube for 45min as I thought I could rest for a couple of minutes but stayed chatting, and mindlessly surfing the web until 5.30am the next morning. Was late to a seminar and skipped the whole morning at uni laying in bed trying to rest from the night. I don't know if I should count this as a relapse but it surely feels like it. It just seems that the stress in my life is surmounting my ability to solve my issues. Cant sleep still and haven't worked out for a couple of days now. Sadly this means that means that I'm not truly changing my life for the better but rather hope for some magical moment to arrive where everything appears to be clear but in the end won't come. I have to get my shit together. Will work on one assignment I haven't finished since Sunday. It's not that much work honestly but I cant focus and feel constantly distracted. I really have to regain a sharp unyielding vision for my future and then only include decisions in my life that will lead me towards this goal. I think I actually have a clear idea of where I wanna be but it is too unrealistic. Might have to include another dopamine detox this Saturday. I feel depressed and lead my superficial thoughts. When will this end? I once was a really focused and concentrated individual with good memory but now it seems like all those good qualities have disappeared. I need help and I have to be the person to help me. I might have to practice self care more. Also there is still no solution to my apartment situation. I don't know. This semester was supposed to be different from the ones before but I feel like being exactly the same. Furthermore the pain and resentment for how I fucked up my life has mostly vanished and I don't really care anymore about what happens to me. I totally understand religious people whose belief in an afterlife is their coping mechanism for how fucked up their life is. Small but steady steps. I just have to stay vigilant and keep doing what was successful in the past. Thanks for all of you who read me ranting about myself. 😄

try it

Is there a way to ask the support to delete your account?

Did your day 1 turn out to be your day 1?

Do you like to think about your future? Because if your future is important to you, you should remind yourself why you do certain things and not others. Think 2nd and 3rd order consequences. Also why tempt yourself if you can't control it: Ban websites which are harmful to your health. Set up a schedule for your week and each day should include a little reserved time spot where you reflect on the planned day vs. how it turned out. If there are differences you should ponder on why it happened that way and how you can set up a day where you will be more successful adhering to your schedule. If temptation is the main reason really consider altering your environment until it is devoid of potential triggers and only rule back on those when you feel competent enough to endure them without relapse.

What do you mean by social gratification? Isn't real life competition enough? 😄 Do you really think that spending more hours in front of screens will help you heal from this addiction? It's is generally a good idea to be active for cardiovascular as well as mental health reasons, regardless of the sex. Unsaturated fats are essential though. You can not survive without alpha-linolenic acid (an omega-3 fatty acid) and linoleic acid (an omega-6 fatty acid). So keep them in your meals. Maybe stop cooking them though. Saturated fats are in general considered to be contributing more to arteriosclerosis than unsaturated ones. Posture is definitely a problem for me, too.

I will most likely celebrate Christmas with my family of mother, father, brother. My aunt and uncle will come, too. When I stay in my parents' home my room is directly adjacent to my brother's and he likes to play video games for most of his free time. He can deal with everything in his real life and I believe he might have some trouble staying away from them but ultimately I don't consider him to be an addict. Me on the other hand will have some trouble not to become excited by how much he enjoys the games. I will just hear it through the wall. I don't think that talking to him about it will make any difference in this as enjoying his games is really important to him. Then there is my mother who will watch TV for long times of the day and my father, too. All of these activities are some sort of the ones that always lead me down a path of instant gratification addiction. I like to stay away from them. I could spent most of my time alone in my room but I will still hear the laughter and chatting from my brother's room. I could go to the basement where there is little light and work from there but it's a bit depressing tbh. The living room only allows to sit there where you have direct view and sound of the TV. I'm not completely sure how to circumvent me being tempted all day to fall back into old habits. Any ideas?

Seems about right. There is that saying that one thing that distinguishes really successful people from not to successful people is their ability to just not do certain things throughout the day. I once had the idea to think before using my phone and realize the application path that I have to follow in order to reach the specific aim I use my phone for. not sure if that helps. also try to envision whether the thing you are about to do really is necessary or if you could spend your time doing something else that is more healthy for you. For me it really seems to be cutting out every little bit of instant gratification activity I have in my life. My days are really tedious and kinda boring atm but I think that is necessary before I can find enjoyment in little things again.

Congrats from me, too. 🤯

day 25 I stood up a little too late today, so I arrived at uni only for the first two lectures to be over. Also stayed up late yesterday to finish a chapter in a textbook... I attended classes today and after that I went to my home where I continued to work on my geriatrics assignment. I think I have read about 80% of the sources that are important and now I have to write it down. Had planned to work out at 7pm today but was still reading through my sources. I played some piano today and worked on my Spanish. I'll have to eat something now and it feels like it's already too late to keep working on the geriatrics even though it doesn't feel like I accomplished much today. I might be a bit depressed mainly because I have to spend so much time on things that don't bring me instant enjoyment. It becomes better though I have the feeling. Really really slowly though. Gotta keep staying strong. I think I might have to cut the piano out as well in the moment as I don't play on planned times but just as I enjoy my day. I also feel really worked up atm and could use some release which is mainly my fucked up head and sleep-deprivation talking. I should stick more strictly to my schedule as it is the shield "against the waves of emotion" as Cam pointed out. I might just feel a bit empty atm but I think it's mostly withdrawal. Thanks for sticking here with me, it's good to see others on the ride as well. 😄 Sports will begin tomorrow I hope. Gotta calm down, eat something and spend some more time with a good book before I try to sleep.

day24 cont. I've been working on my geriatrics assignment and it turns out to be so much information stored everywhere on the web that it's hard to get a sufficient understanding. We are only allowed to use 15 references in total but should definitely include primary literature as well. This sucks. I'm also not sure on how to cite correctly from guidelines as they provide really good sentences that I would actually like to quote directly. Also those sentences in the guidelines include literature references that are consistent inside the guideline but I'm not sure if I should add those blank numbers in my assignments where they might be confusing or just uninformative. not sure. I'll ride home again from the library and will continue with the assignment after eating some food. This assignment is due on Friday so there is actually enough time still. Nevertheless I'll have a practical test on Tuesday and I'm not prepared for that as well. Gotta keep going. It sucks that my job has to include computers so much as they remind my of dark times and tempt me. I'll buy a used smaller laptop, so sitting in front of it should be different and create more beautiful memories. Hoping for the best. Didn't waste much time today, even though I stood up late again as I couldn't sleep much last night. I hate this club... No new apartments in sight also, so I'll have to endure atm. Bed time is about right though. I'll keep it up. Tomorrow will be Monday which means that beginning tomorrow I will stick to a body-weight training program that should keep me busy and healthy for a year. It will be hard but fruitful.

day 24 I succeeded in the dopamine detox yesterday, went out to buy groceries and cleaned the house. Gotta have to work on a project today for the whole day which sucks but should be a a good exercise in willpower. will do that now. talk here later

What was the problem? couldn't you sleep at night?

day 22 So it's day 22 and I have not completed my assignments which are due next week. Tomorrow will be a dopamine detox as outlined by Andrew Kirby with the difficulty level set to "Beginner". Everything else I don't believe to suceed in currently. I stood up late today being halfway asleep as always. I think I made have some trouble breathing through my throat and will have that checked by an ENT physician. Drove to uni and watched the lectures I should have attended earlier and then worked on freecodecamp. I still feel too passive but it's at least halfway productive. After that we went to a seminar where our lecturer was late again, so we thought to actually do the seminar ourselves. Then he arrived and we went on to finish our script. We then talked about doctoral theses, then everyone left and I talked to fellow student afterwards about doctoral theses and drove back home where I am now. Currently working on freecodecamp and I have a rough time not to open a tab and binge watch some YouTube or series. This is mainly because it is a habit I have cultivated over quite a long time. I can live without it. I might be sad but I will know that acting like I do while bring me closer to true contentedness. I will proud of myself if I manage to act productively. My life is not over but has just begone.

day 21 I will force myself to abstain from instant gratification. The last few days saw steady decline in what I made my mind up to achieve when I didn't think with current duties in mind and what I'm doing. I use too much time doing things that I like but won't get me closer to my goals. This is gonna be rough. The hardest thing I have ever done in life but it is absolute necessary. No more gaming/streaming/youtube even music. i'm done being passive and watching someone else's content instead of using time to create things myself. I really hate doing the things I have to do to accomplish a better mindset which is why i fail so hard currently. Gotta hate myself for some time until it becomes better. Can't really find replacements I like atm. So it's gonna be the rough way. Scheduling -> executing. basta. No ifs and buts. I will really hate these days. But I can do that: with enough willpower I will be productive and slash through the veil of addiction. Staying conscious and vigilant whilst relentlessly doing things I currently hate will be bring me to happiness. Sometimes you have to act crazy to become sane. Self-hate is sometimes self-love and self-love is sometimes self-hate. gotta keep writing here. Short summary of last two days: couldnt sleep, watched youtube/documentaries until late at night. I just didnt care about what that did to my health. Skipped classes and was late to all compulsory classes, everything else I didn't attend but spend the time on the internet escaping reality or so tired from what I did the night before. Continuing like this will lead to certain self-abandonment. I will have become the eye of the storm unfazed in the face of danger/terror and stress.

Thanks for the suggestion, as a medical student my take on the matter is: I'm vegetarian with leaning to vegan. That means that there are vital components left out of my diet definitely but eating the correct things will serve me well with everything except B12. Iron shouldn't be an issue as I make sure to include enough pulses in my diet. For magnesium, the other Bs and K there should be plenty supply in my diet even though I have to agree that I should eat more varied. D on the other hand is in short supply in the winter months in non-tropical countries where Germany fits in well, so I'm replacing that, too. I tried melatonin for a couple of days but I'm really convinced that it 1) acts as a placebo for me and 2) creates dependence over time. So I won't take those anymore. I add Zinc as well as studies have shown that it has some preventive effect against the common flu. That leaves me with B12, Zinc and D. Everything else should come with proper diet, so no need to take supplements. Nevertheless thanks for the suggestion. Reminded me to eat more varied. day 19 So for today I left my bed a bit late but got to my seminar in time. Also attended the lecture and all other courses and added a little study time in the library halfway through. I'm back home again and I need to cook but have little energy left for that and also feel a bit depressed now. It's mostly social interactions again I'm sure and this stands as a big issue still for me. Had some diarrhea again today but I'm sure it came from the leftover food in the fridge that wasn't good anymore. Late yesterday evening I made up a plan how to reach my goals concerning coding skills. Would like to continue with that today but I need to cook food unless I want to starve. Just no energy for that though. Might need to watch some documentary while peeling the potatoes 😄 I feel bad. Spending time watching anything feels like dipping into old habits and reminds me of the feelings I had watching series/movies/porn/game streams without end. It's not healthy for me. For all that, watching anything remains quite soothing for me.

I recommend the StayFocused app for Android. From my personal experience I can say: Yes, wrecking yourself is definitely half of what makes muscles grow. THE BIGGER PART THOUGH IS PROPER NUTRITION! I can't stress that enough. You can work out as frequently and hard as you'd like to. Building muscles only happens when you eat on a caloric surplus. If that doesn't ring a bell for you, look up the term! Furthermore include enough protein in your diet. From my research (looking up different studies on the web) though everything above 1.6g protein/kg * [your desired body weight in kg] / day is a waste of money and time. You can't be completely lean whilst bulking also. Your body needs to sense excess energy which is way harder to achieve if you don't pack a bit of fat. Likewise eat frequently! Several smaller meals throughout the day keep your body in an anabolic state. To finish, your muscles will repair and grow at no time better than when you are asleep. So make sure you are well rested throughout the night.

Bravo! Imo this is the essence of what is the underlying problem with many of us. I made some really good ways to deal with electronics in general when I tried to abandon my addictive habits but I'm not implementing them well. That's why I'm failing for sure. Also not planning ahead enough. Forcing yourself to limit your screen time to achieving life goals effectively with technology and to cut out all entertainment linked to it really leads for me into dopamine withdrawal which shows how much this is the underlying problem. I think we spent so much time in front of screens that we really unlearnt how to live successfully and happily without them. I don't like to demonize technology as I firmly believe that humankind wouldn't be where we are today without it. Nonetheless developing a healthy and stable relationship to it becomes increasingly difficult as websites and apps become optimized more and more to squeeze out the last remaining drop of dopamine they can release in us whilst using the app/website. This more or less demands from us to set up shields so these interactions don't cost us our lives.

Actually it's rather cold and stricken by the worst COVID19 wave which we have been witnessing so far for a couple of weeks now. R has fallen under 1, so the end is in sight. The Christmas markets popping up everywhere just now can be really lovely though. Come here some when between May and June; imho the best time to be in Germany.

Inspiring, keep doing.

day 18 Couldn't sleep at night. Was laying awake during the night and thinking I don't know about what. I only managed to crawl out of bed at around 11am when most of the classes where already over and I thought I could just watch everything on my laptop which I did after baking some bread and just eating in general. Afterwards was time for a seminar online which I attended. Didn't spend much time on uni and working my big goals though today as I was really tired and felt like a needed a distraction. I tried to listen to sleepy music to help me sleep but I still felt to nervous and unfulfilled to fall asleep. Gotta try again today. It's 9.30pm at the moment and I'm working on my coding again. I feel very tired at the moment and can't focus. Was mostly listening to music and then podcasts the last few hours. I feel really unproductive at the moment but also I'm not really motivated much by anything besides spending time listening to people talking about anything except my life. Full-on escapism mode. I know that escaping gaming content is not the remedy for my solution but to cut out all those big chunkgs of ineffective time use I have in my days. It's just that sleeping is hard. I will phone three doctors tomorrow as I believe I need help with some issues. It just feels that nothing really matters at the moment. much like depression. It's just that I can't think clearly or plan ahead if my nights are not working at all. Wanna have a switch to turn of my brain when it becomes dark. Just being content, relaxed and secure would help so much at night. I feel that I might have to completely re-learn many things as my mind is really forgetful. The bread turned out ok though 😄 I'll keep trying.

Maybe try to get your hands on a textbook for therapists, just saying. If you have no better options left, why not try self-therapy.

You are doing great, keep going! Best wishes from Germany

That seems really sad. Are there no therapists in your area, or what's the problem?