Pochatok

Look forward to walking along with you on this journey- best of luck, you're ambitious and honest and vulnerable, as always 💛

WAIT WAIT are these your pictures or a well-arranged assortment of works from other artists? Either way, they're gorgeous and I'm very happy you have something so awe-inspiring on your wall!

I'm so glad you have this mindset! It's so important to take care of yourself when it is needed, and you have a very positive outlook on the visit despite not needing much care!

Feeling reflective ✨ I'm feeling both very grateful and very frustrated for the last few days. Grateful because I am learning so much. Frustrated because I'm learning primarily from mistakes. Grateful because it is certainly an improvement from literally yesterday. Frustrated because where I want to be feels (yet) so far. So, I've been attempting to pause more, to live with more courage, to connect more explicitly with others. A person whom I feel strongly connected to has been recently put into an environment that empowers them to live their best life- I feel so, so happy for them, but at the same time... It's hard not to bring comparisons into my own life. Me and this person share many conversations, which feel equally wonderful to us in the moment. Yet, what they hold from those conversations simply feels to be brighter, stronger, than my forgetfulness. I cannot say that I am not trying my best, but lately it has been feeling simply less than what I know to be capable of. A glass ceiling, you know? And yes, I'm slowly pushing that ceiling up, day by day. But there is no breakthrough, and I know, know for sure, that it is possible- that if I were to push in a particular spot, the glass would shatter. But I cannot find that spot, and so I keep coming back to the same poor habits, and keep being inconsistent with my passion projects, and keep losing my awareness and presence. 💗 It felt good to get this out. I have not typed so fiercely in quite some time. All I can say, is I am still frustrated. Today was a relapse with pornography, with picking my face, and with anchoring joy to stress. I want to be free! I want to be free NOW! And so I'll keep pushing the ceiling with gratitude and frustration. 💔

Playing video games for "too long" or just not enjoying it because it is not a restful activity most of the time. The games I pick are "work"/hobby and I should treat them that way. Few feel like reading a book or watching a movie; most feel like intense cognitive focus, and rest is not compatible with that for me. 🙌Time for another structured reflection! 1. Questions from last week Question for next entry: Am I feeling more brave and/or courageous when it comes to doing ambitious projects? Yes, the feeling is there. But I still tend to fall into avoidant behaviour. Today I played video games("for refocusing" was the excuse) and watched tv shows ("for reference"). Those activities are absolutely fine when I am both desiring them and receiving what I expect. But today, in both cases I found myself not enjoying the process and unable to act instantly on that. Lots of stress and frustration built up in just a couple minutes. I love myself, though 💛 it is absolutely understandable I'd act this way, after a couple of weeks of very intense work that put me towards some of the unhealthier coping habits. Question for next entry: How are you balancing difficult social experiences at work with your personal experiences? I have experienced plenty of social interaction after writing this, and now know that my way of meeting people has been (and is) through acts of service. That's how I ignited the connection with my current closest friend, and with all of my others, too. By tying someone's shoes (heh), by sharing unique insights in classroom, by support my coworkers. Now the step lies in finding the right communities for volunteering, but I am feeling a lot less lonely. 🍃 loneliness is simply being unable to sense love and other feelings and emotions already present within me; it's disconnect from myself, not others 🍃 2. Significant Obstacles ✨So lucky to be moving past struggles with courage, and towards struggles with motivation. What a lovely, lovely journey. So lucky to be experiencing so much movement towards my guiding star✨ So, it is organization. Yet again to be making a comeback into daily morning journaling, it seems. And why did I quit..? I forgot the importance of this ritual. That's it! The trouble comes from forgetting the importance of (not) doing something, of leaving out the intention behind it, and therefore erasing its purpose. And the problem is, if something isn't purposeful- I don't do it! Question from last entry: How are you moving towards better organization? What are some obstacles in making this a habit? And, it's a more stable system of self-caretaking. Back on my campus, the myriad of social interactions I'd have throughout the day would be incredibly empowering- I'd receive smiles, compliments, applause even, in amounts that now seem whimsical. And at the same time, I don't need others to receive smiles, compliments, and applause- I just need a mirror and my body. Lucky to have both. Question from last entry: Are you noticing more patterns between self-care and mental health? How have you been stabilizing this relationship? 3. Happiest Accomplishments Meeting people. I've gone to 3 events this week, and at each one I've had some wonderful experiences connecting with strangers. What I've forgotten is how long it takes to develop vivid bonds- being at college for 4 years, you begin to take it for granted that connections can be made immediately. But I am patient, for I already have enough, and every single person I've crossed eyes with is a gift of abundance. Restarting my passions. Yes, it's been a slow journey, but I've been as consistent as I can be, and my passion is growing every day. At this moment, it's hard to clearly pinpoint what is the root of my instability in passion/commitment (besides mental health, broadly), but I know that it will improve. I am only getting started. Sometimes, I can do my best, and things still suck. Question from last entry: Can you see past those "peaks" yet? How does that feel? Today was the day, for both of my current projects, where I actively moved past some previous hiccups. Having prior experience in moving through obstacles of familiar nature makes it so much easier! I feel very lucky to have had failed so many times before, because each of those moments has prepared me for the successes of today. Question from last entry: Have you expanded the intent with which you undertake socially-courageous actions? What's been a highlight? Yes, but I can do more. This week was so, so eventful and I've had plenty of socially-courageous moments. Giving compliments to strangers, having 30min conversations with people I'll never meet again on 🚋, and introducing myself to people who (I hope) will become my friends has been exciting. And I am just getting started. Every reflection, I feel myself becoming more intent and aiming higher. 🍃 most courageous actions need not the most demanding moments; my highest potential for facing fear lies in breaking the everyday routines 🍃 3. Life Reflection Question from last entry: Have you attempted to learn more in [relation to self]? Why (not)? I think there's a lot more I could have done- I really want to read more... It's not my lack of love for self, though, or lack of care. It's the external pressures, hierarchical beliefs, systems of oppression that are carving their way into my head, and it's been a quite particular journey of stress and resilience in letting those thoughts pierce me. Understanding them, the wounds they leave, and how to best heal myself- that's the current source of mental exhaustion. I know I am not lonely or "un-enough", but I've been taught otherwise for a long, long time... Question from last entry: Have you attempted to learn more in [relation to others]? Why (not)? Complex gets better every time I lean closer towards whoever that thought may be targeted towards! All it takes is humbleness and a desire to see people for who they are. Lucky to be skilled with those two. Direct Impact Becoming more purposeful with my job. I can tell students value me and have a lot of love and curiosity for both my person, my words, and my deeds. I hope to continue growing my giving to this community, my coworkers, and the land on which I provide service. Time Sculpting Can I do more? Absolutely. But I am feeling intense passion, and the time/effort will come as long as there's drive in the engine. Relation to Self Still so much to improve. The amount of stress I am undergoing literally as I am writing this is so, so intense. And I don't know why; can't wait to get a therapist. Relation to Others Excited for next week! Will be meeting a ton of people, seeing some old friends. But most of all, I will continue to dedicate time to my friends from school, for I hope to nurture those connections through my whole lifetime 🙂 Thank you for reading! Hope you've found something meaningful while scrolling through ❤️ Po

Been reflecting for nearly an hour- it feels frustrating, but only because my drive to be out there doing awesome things is so strong, and that's awesome! So, I will let that drive guide me, and will post a reflection later in the weekend. @james1 It's interesting how you tie that to your goals- I tend to treat it as a more impulsive/subconscious response. To me, saying "my brain [does something to hurt me]" is a bit antagonizing, and whenever those thoughts appear in my head, I attempt to reframe it as "my brain attempts to help me but [does something to hurt me] in the process/as a result]". Helps me feel a bit more self-compassion and treat whatever may be happening as not as detrimental 💛 @wheatbiscuit Thank you for your compliment on "extraversion and introspection", I've never heard that directed my way before 💛 Disclaimer, I just call my condescending tendency a "complex" because it is, uhh, quite complicated. It often feels like a big knot, and I don't know where to pull to untie it. Lately, remembering how lucky/privileged I am to be so strong/focused/resilient/courageous has been helpful; I remind myself that other people have different journeys from me, and that at one point I was struggling just as much with courage/resilience/etc. . I hope to stick around for a long time too- this is such a wonderful platform for sharing struggle and moving through it! Po

I'm feeling you so much with the "pushes" at work. As a student, I had some idea of what "working a lot" is, but having an actual 9-5 is just such a different type of labor... I've been feeling a lot of frustration lately, struggling to maintain same productivity off-work as I used to outside of class... Though, I think we all are doing our best; so many times I struggle to perceive the greatness of exhaustion and stress work puts me through! Embracing rest (even it when it feels "wrong" or just unwanted) and boredom have been very helpful- thank you for influencing my perspectives on those with your stories 💛

Alright, new guideline: post here at least twice/week in a structured manner + anything my heart desires. Today, my 💛 desires a brief moment of accountability and acknowledgement. My desire for pornography/news/whatever other media is tied directly to my stress levels. Today was a very challenging day, and upon leaving work my mind immediately went to porn. Understandable 😢 I'm also starting to remember how, during my last semester in college (which was also my happies, by far), my porn usage came down significantly. But really, it's about mitigating stress well. My last semester was filled with beautiful relationships and fun experiences, but it was also a time where I simply made an effort to feel good about myself. Today, on the contrary, I was working in an extremely frantic, anxious manner that put me behind on many timelines. There was this (completely imaginary) impetus to work nonstop and at a pace I could not keep up with. Yes, I had deadlines to meet, but meeting them required a slower pace, not an erratic one. So tomorrow, I hope to let myself slow down, approach the day with grace and calm, and just enjoy my day. It will be good, if I let it 🌞 Fighting tendencies towards pornography accessing can only be done in two ways at this point: further recalibrating my values (and living by them), and addressing the needs that trigger this impulsive behavior when they're not met. Best of luck, future me 💖 I know you can do this- you've done this before, and you have the capacity to outdo yourself! Po

Returning to a familiar journal structure 😺 1. Significant Obstacles Last week I struggled with getting my Research and Animation production off the ground. It's such a significant undertaking; there is no way around it- it's just a lot of long-term work. Very horrifying for me, as I love doing things that give immediate results and are completable within an imaginable timeframe. But I know that long-term projects truly resonate with the person I want to be. Question for next entry: Am I feeling more brave and/or courageous when it comes to doing ambitious projects? Another point of struggle was has been a lack of social interaction- though I work at a campus, my coworkers aren't my best friends (yet, I'm very open to the possibility!), and though there's so many students around (I work at a college), I can't engage with them in the same ways given that I am now staff. I didn't realize how isolating this job would be, even though I'm surrounded by people and social activities 24/7. Question for next entry: How are you balancing difficult social experiences at work with your personal experiences? And, let's talk about pornography. It's been an "easy slope"- as soon as I think of giving in, I do. Same has been for many other types of stress relief/distractions like news or social media or random Wikipedia browsing. However, I'm noticing that improvement in limiting impulsivity of those choices has been improving- I am both able to notice the desire before I act on it, and am able to delay (though not prevent) the impulsive choice. 2. Happiest Accomplishments Though I am behind my timeline, I am putting a lot of effort and passion into the long-term projects. I'm getting close to the highest peaks I've experienced before, though there is certainly anxiety for repeating the same failure as before- once I reach those "peaks", it's only downhill- I get overwhelmed by the task, lose myself, and run away. But I know that's not who I am anymore. I have been gifted greater courage, and greater conviction. Question for next entry: Can you see past those "peaks" yet? How does that feel? Another one is the social connections I've been making- simply being more brave. Yesterday, I fistbumped a stranger (although a bit selfishly). I've been smiling towards most people I encounter, and my ability to sit back and listen has been improving a lot. My long-distance friends also have been turning to me more for advice and emotional support, which I very very appreciate. Question for next entry: Have you expanded the intent with which you undertake socially-courageous actions? What's been a highlight? 3. Life Reflection Direct Impact Mostly my job, at the moment, sadly. I've applied to a few volunteer organizations (and hope to do even more), but it's been a slow process. It's always so- doing things that really count takes a lot more time than coming to a park for trash picking on a weekend. I'm patient. And work's been great. I'm making a difference. Time Sculpting Animation has been more results-oriented and mindful of the process than ever, and it's been a challenge to navigate this balance, but I can see myself improving little by little, every single day. Relation to Self I've been hugging myself and saying kind words a lot more frequently, thanks to my friends putting them into my head in the first place. Overall, I am still ignoring my own needs and necessities from time to time, but it's better than ever before. Question for next entry: Have you attempted to learn more in this area? Why (not)? Relation to Others Still struggling with the "I'm different" complex. There are moments when I'm providing guidance or feel more balanced/at peace than others, and my immediate cognitive reaction is "it's because I'm [somehow better] than these people". I'm fortunate to have been going through moments of struggle, and calling those as such, and feeling humble and small... So helpful! Question for next entry: Have you attempted to learn more in this area? Why (not)? That is it for this entry. Hope you've found something meaningful while scrolling through ❤️ Po

Yes, very true! I have been branching out more in the last two weeks, but before then it was a rather isolating experience. At the same time, there is so many other ways I can deal with loneliness and stress without involving porn, either way- and I've attempting to consider that more. Today, I'm doing rock climbing, yay!

There is some wonderful books on boredom (with the word in the title- have you read any?) that argue that is precisely this feeling/experience that has led humanity to cascade into a civilization. Boredom is the ideal soil for peak creativity; that's the space where brightest ideas snap into awareness.

Been struggling with 👆 more than ever now that I have my 1st full-time job. So hard to not feel like I "should" be working beyond what I'm expected to, even though I've committed strongly to putting in only the minimum amount of time into my current passion. And I second uncertainty as a guiding star. Everyday, I make an attempt to commit to a passion I've always desired to realize, but equally struggled to develop and maintain. Most of the time, I feel like I am not moving anywhere, because a future where I am living my dream feels so, so far. But at the same time, I know that I am more than capable, if I forget about the darkness that is "tomorrow" and instead focus on the known and empowering present moment. Po

It's been so long, woah. In those 8 (!!!) months, I've hosted two ambitious artistic projects that I'm immensely proud of, graduated college, and found my 1st job. All been good with gaming addiction. ⏰ So, why am I back? Of course, I miss y'all 💝 It means so much to see many community members continue to post here daily and be so mutually supportive of all aspects of each other's lives. And, I want to resolve my most persistent addiction once and for all: pornography At this point, objectification, sexualization, dehumanization, and violent sexual behavior are so out of touch with who I envision myself to be, that every encounter brings a strong identity crisis. I hope that journaling here on a twice/week basis will help me move through this addiction, and to a brighter vision of myself. 🔖Let's review where I am at in this moment: Pornography makes an appearance 2-4 times/week. This week, though, it's been on a bi-daily basis, which is quite alarming. Given that I've just moved far, far away for my job, I have little social interaction. There has been a lot of stress, much more than usual. I'm developing strong physical symptoms that are frustrating and alarming. Some stress comes from adjusting to a new way of being, some comes from a loosened-up vision of future, and some- from having high expectations I've gone from a place of extreme luxury and comfort (residential college that had a community I belonged at and was loved by) to a place where I am unknown, misunderstood, and other (a very different type of socio/cultural/racial/economical environment, very few strong connections in the area, and no one I've met (so far) in the immediate living environment shares my passions) I believe strongly that I am where I need to be- despite all the difficulties, this is a place where I can feel myself grow in character, skill, ambition, and self-love/compassion every day. It's challenging, but highly rewarding, and every day I wake up feeling like a slightly different person. Given that last point, I am more than ever passionate to quit weaknesses that exemplify my wounds and my long-gone past. I want to be moving, more consistently, towards the person I am becoming 💛 Look forward to being a part of this community, again. Po 💖

Hey, thank you so much for sharing! I've been attempting a similar approach for many months now, so seeing your perspectives on it helps greatly 🙂 It's fascinating how different the "triggers" are for both of us, but how the same grounding and acknowledgement exercises are able to put us back in balance hehe

Woah, been almost three weeks. It has been quite intense- I have not allowed myself to pause enough, simply putting in more and more work into my schedule. The last 5-6 days I've been working nonstop (except for occasional hangouts and food breaks) from 8am to 9pm. I'm actually enjoying it, but also I feel like there are a lot of really important things I'm missing from my life with such a schedule. I hope to journal in a more regular fashion later tonight. Po ❤️

Hey Dr Gamer, welcome to GQ! I'm so sorry that gaming has impacted your life in such significant ways, and also I am so happy you've made it this far and are taking the steps to reshape your life! You've got this! I'm so excited to join you on your journey 🙂

Have you thought of buying a nook? It has helped me tremendously with reducing screen time in this manner. I never read on my phone anymore 🙂

yes- I only play games that don't trigger addiction. I am fortunate enough to have figured out how my addiction works, what triggers me and what is ok. I think there is always a risk of relapse, however, when you're testing the grounds. I had already over 100 days of detox when I decided to tap into video games again, and those 100 days of experience allowed me to just tap in and tap out fairly easily. I only played for maybe 5-10hrs total, and then quit for another 6 months. I kept bringing games in at a very strict and structured manner, really trying to focus on studying them instead of just playing. Eventually, I figured out what games allow me to do that, and which are too addictive. Since then, playing only non-addictive games has allowed me to restructure my perception of all games, and now only the games intentionally designed to be addictive, to keep the player in for hours are those that trigger my brain. Everything else I am able to study quite easily. However, playing any game purely for enjoyment always results in triggers; it's just how my brain works. Hope this helps 🙂

Congrats on already being 111 days in! I'm excited to be following you on your journey, thank you so much for sharing it here 🙂

Yes! That's the path I'm currently pursuing, after coming at a point in life where games are just not interesting to me. Though, some games are still addictive, and therefore frustrating- I plan to simply never play or be involved in the development of such games. I only want to develop games that discourage addiction and encourage connection w/ other people and the real world. I'm happy you have such a possibility lined up for you, good luck on making this decision and exploring its consequences!

Excited to meet a fellow animator here! Good luck on your journey, I am glad you're doing so much tracking of you work.

Congrats!!!

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that 😞 I'm glad you did get the piercings tho, I hope you'll find creating your own earring collection exciting hehe I believe (in) you! When I first started quitting Internet (I used UnDistracted for desktop and "Stay Focused" for phone), I was struggling tremendously and my self-esteem went to record lows. And also, I believed that this was the best I could do for myself then- I'm glad you think so too. I wish you courage and strength on this journey!

What helped me with this was listening to relationship and self-guiding podcasts. Very slowly, they've really changed how I view myself and my relationships to others- "Just Break Up" and "XO Higher Self" were especially validating and affirming. But before that, I've read "Courage to Be Disliked", which fundamentally changed how I viewed my relationship to myself and others. Not sure if you'll like any of these things, but I hope you will find enough curiosity to check them out! They changed my life in many ways.

Hi! Hope you had a weekend filled with some relaxation and reflection. Thank you for coming to my journal page ❤️ 1. Significant Obstacles Kind of is happening now! I stopped worrying about applying all my charisma skills to each conversation. That helps with feeling fully present and loving, acceptful of the people I'm talking to, which is nice. Only having 1-2 hangouts feels much less limiting if I take into account all the other times I interact with folks throughout the week- during lunch breaks, at events, etc. . Simply knowing how important it is. I know that I want to achieve as much as possible, and being sleep deprived fundamentally undercuts that goal. It's still difficult, but I am noticing a lot of progress. I don't think that my anxieties here are irrelevant. Certain relationships do not meet my needs/wants, and therefore I am feeling unsatiated. But, no single relationship fills all of my needs, and remembering that helps them feel whole and complete. Also, jealousy is real and normal, and me experiencing all kinds of thoughts is not an indicator of who I am, but simply of how I am conditioned to function. Yes! Actually,this weekend I felt that I was far too relaxed after a week of rigorous efforts. What really is "taking care of my wellbeing" isn't going shopping or eating nice foods, but being wholly present in the moment and treating myself with love and kindness right there. And getting enough rest, literal rest- sleep, exercise, meditation. I know I can upkeep a schedule like this at no cost to my health; the issue is do I want to? -- This week's obstacles are motivation, honesty, and habits. Motivation: Though I have had enough drive to make it through 15-hr work sessions from Saturday of last week until Friday of this, this weekend I've lost the drive. It seems that simply "doing the thing" is not enough of a motivator. Sure, I will get into the task and will work on it for __ hours, but the efficiency remains low without a stronger underlying sense of value and commitment to the thing itself. Question for next week: What have I attempted to make my motivation more consistent? How has it worked out? Honesty: When it comes to a few of my relationships, or actually most of them, I find myself not communicating certain things. Sure, I don't say some because they're simply odd, but also I am not allowing myself to be more vulnerable. I am afraid of rejection of any sort- it's so much easier to simply try to have a good time rather than take a risk to expand and deepen this relationship, right? Q for next W: How have I challenged myself to be more open and vulnerable within my relationships? Habits: Every time I am experiencing any stress, be it from difficulty focusing to sleep deprivation, I notice unwanted behaviors coming back. Desire to venture into social media and other depths of internet grows, I scratch my body more often, and eat when I am not hungry. This creates a loop of stress: I get more anxious noticing these habits and attempting to control them, which in turn encourages me to resolve to these behaviours even more. Q for next W: What exercises have I attempted to break the cycle of stress accumulation? 1a. Obstacles -> Opportunities Motivation: I am glad I've raised my ceiling of performance by this much. A week ago, I would have supressed the guilt experienced while doing unnecessary activities. Now, I acknowledge and agree with that- I don't need these activities in my life. What I want is to always try my best, and be loving and caring to myself. Honesty: It makes me smile to know that I have the courage to admit that my relationships are not as fullfilling as I would like them to be. I am excited to venture into the unknown and be true to myself even more. Habits: I am glad to be attempting to address this problem more structurally. After all, it is my passionate and consistent work that is bringing all this stress. I would rather be stressed out in this way than live in comfort of escapist safety. I am making new bridges, bringing more of myself in conversation; this can be anything but comfortable. 2. A Critical Mistake Futurized! This week, I have resolved again into a behaviour I've agreed to never dive into. Though at the bottom of my heart I knew this wasn't what I wanted, I struggled to listen to myself. Even after managing to pause and reflect, I still made a "compromise" with that desire, which didn't feel all that great either. At times like this, my future self, who is always listening to themselves deeply, would take the time to reflect on this fully, and examine this desire as an influence of the past on present, and put it in conversation with the needs of the future. 3. Life Reflection Direct Impact Did not do much here, frustratingly. Only made an excuse to not volunteer "because I already do" (which is true, but that's not the point!!!), and didn't find another place to support financially. Next weekend, I will sign up to volunteer off-campus for 3 hours OR I will volunteer with my student organization 🙂 Time Sculpting Artist Lots of reassessments and reflections in this area: I am continuing to work as a composer, but shifted away significantly from doing any visual work. Right now, all the focus is on publishing my research and becoming the best musician I can be. After this term's performance is concluded, and my research- completed, I will come back to doing animation daily, since my Spring project is all about that. Reading Miyazaki's thoughts on value of Higher Education was reaffirming- what I'm doing now is becoming an amazing, unique storyteller. Yes, I want to create, but I will have so much more time for that once I graduate. Now is the time to learn. Relation to Others More obstacles between me and my partner! We've been addressing well all of the smaller things, like spending more time together and arguing with more kindness. But, what to me is the core issues affecting the long-term sustainability of our relationship... remains undealt with. My partner is simply not willing to put in the work in the present moment, and though I understand the difficulty of the process, I get more anxious as we are nearing graduation- will my partner be able to move with me without addressing this issue in time? The best I can do is to continue believing in them and supporting them, and not let these anxieties lead my conversations. I am coming from a place of love, trust, and only then concern. Communal Artistry If counting all of the recitals and gallery shows I've attended, I'm feeling pretty happy! I've also expanded my presence to another online community, though I haven't been much active there. I'm going to participate in an artistic challenge too- next week. My collaboration with another artist is in the process of brewing right now. 4. Commiting to a Habit Next week, I want to make daily meditation (5 minutes) a habit. Specifically, I will complete the meditation either a) before practicing music or b) before a meal. By end of next week, I will incorporate meditation more precisely into my schedule. 5. Questions for Future Self 3 Months How did the gallery opening go? Six Months What do you enjoy most about your new living space (if you have not moved in, what are you most excited about?) Twelve Months I dare you to come up with a date plan for Valentine's. Do something nice! 3 Years What do you think about working in Video Games as a composer now? What has changed about this vision? 5 Years How has my inner climate anxiety (disconnected from world events) changed? Do you feel more at peace, more inclined for action? 10 Years Where do you hope to move to in the next 2 years, or why would you prefer to stay? Alright, this was a blast! So refreshing to complete this. Hope you find something helpful for yourself here 🙂 Po