Pochatok

Hey! Thanks for stopping by. I definitely hear you on that- my life isn't all that horrible, by any means. I am very much grateful and using my current situation to my best advantage AND ALSO understand deeply that I want to be elsewhere. I think that there can be room to hold both true. Where I am is a necessary step towards my next destination. And it still sucks. I can't wait to grasp that freedom you're describing- I'm glad you get to enjoy it in your own way! Thank you again for sharing, you made me smile 💛

Would love to join- is there a particular place you post? Is it a group or individual thread?

Not feeling well today. Feeling weak and small and unsure. I hate this state of being. I know I'm grand, I'm capable, I am infinite- like all other people around me. In particular, these feelings come from the following: The usual indecisiveness about my future/present: I know where I want to be, but am continuously unsure of how to get there. I am working on my passions, but through such intense mud and pain that it always puts my work in question. Should I surrender and try something else, or is this pain inevitable no matter where I go (historically, the question has been, "duh, yeah") Feeling unsatisfied with my present life simply through the virtue of knowing that it is NOT what I want my life to be. How radically, ambitiously different have I become, huh? How have my needs shifted! But I hope, to some of those, it is simply residue from my friend's visit being stirred up. I want to make the most of my life. I want to escape this prison of 9-5, of isolation within a community that doesn't value the parts of myself I value most, and which I have little value of myself. I want to be resist, I want to rebel- but in the moment, all of that adds up to continuing to work on my committed passions, and trusting that they will lead me towards that future. Perhaps not immediately, and not as easily as others would. But that's where I can try my best. That's where I can create a long-term, sustainable career- in animation and writing. Photography is not a core passion of mine. Nobody will pay me for speaking to strangers on the train, however much I'd love that to happen... But within all of that is a strain of truth I've been evading for too long: I am not treating most of my actions as worthy of their time. I do not treat my current living situation as "enough" to be turned into a movie. I do not believe in the current version of myself to be capable of living in such a way that success and abundance radiates from me nonstop. But that's not true. I can, I must see my current living as enough- otherwise, how can I ever achieve my work? For that, and other reasons, I've finally signed up for counselling- starting January, yay! In the meantime, let's keep making more friends and connections. I will get out of this prison. I will be free- and I already am, if I turn in the right direction.

I thought so too, for the longest time- especially when it came to exercise/large projects. I'd precisely measure quantities- be it reps, time spent in the gym, number of words written. It seemed to work- I got good results. Until breaking points, anyways- where the system would escape the present moment so much that I'd fail to check in on my immediate needs. Cuz those, you cannot plan ahead or measure- sometimes I just need a break in the middle of a session. By not taking care of my immediate self with over-structured planning, I slowly began to miss out on the biggest joys of life- falling in love, taking in my immediate environment, etc. . Of course, it wouldn't have mattered if none of those were in my value system. I live by the path of "least regret"- choosing whatever action I will feel least regretful at the end of the day; making choices with that meant being in the present, for me. And more surprisingly, eliminating strict planning from both calisthenics and long-term projects has led to an improvement in results. I was able to take in more joy, more emotional pleasure in the process. From failing to hold a handstand for 5 seconds to easily going up to 40, from not being able to do any one-armed pull-ups to doing 3-4 w/ both hands... I let go of my structure, and let my gut guide my routine- no amount of research and study would guide me as closely to finding the right exercise routine (b/c really, it simply didn't exist- I made up my own). I am concerned, Yan, not that you're planning too much, but rather that a consequence of such lifestyle is putting yourself deeply into a box that limits both your productive output and the ability to engage w/ the world around you. However, only because so was my experience. Cheers!

Hey! Just stumbling upon your journey, and look forward to following along. Best of luck moving towards a better, fuller living- can't wait to hear more! Po

More on my feelings towards the time spent w/ friend... Frustration for hurting my friend has grown. Regret for not doing better- because I certainly could -has grown. I feel immature in my actions... How did I fail to be compassionate so much? How did I not hear a call for help, for peace in my friend's words? Of course, there are many good reasons for why things have gone that way and not otherwise. And I believe that I did close to my best, but certainly the best I could within the circumstances. It was an incredibly new experience, and I didn't know how to hold myself. Though, I missed some warning bells: my prior experiences of failing to take enough space were ringing hard, but I told myself that it "wouldn't make anything better" and that I want to "challenge myself to keep going". Same logic as in those prior experiences- what a pity. That's one conclusion: take more space. Like, not a minute-long break, but significant distance. As much as I use the anticipation of future regret to keep myself present, what comes out of that is an exhaustion of my capacity to be compassionate and loving. If I don't take the space myself, parts of me drift apart on their own. I don't want to hurt anyone. It's not about me. It's about being a good friend. Distance is a healer. I don't want to hurt anyone else w/ a barely-conscious lack of compassion. I am only able to notice my mistakes in retrospective, but because I fail to act on my gut feelings in the present moment. Damn, am I frustrated, and I'll keep carrying this fire within- it will guide me towards a better place, I think. If I hurt others, I want it to be by choice, and not by a fully preventable, controllable mistake. Compassion is my core value; losing it means losing alignment with myself in so many ways at once. Ouch. Distance is a healer- I am healing now.

An adventurous, change-full week. A dear friend of mine blessed me with a weekend visit. They traveled far to see me, and I am so grateful for their time and resources and presence. It was hard however- I didn't realize how strong my feelings for them were, and how it felt although two tectonic plates beginning to come together. Clashing, shaking, destructive- though with time, I hope, our differences will create a beautiful landscape. Plainly put, we desire each other quantitatively and qualitatively different. And I have the "upper" plank- I feel although I want more than they do. Before, we never hang out for long enough for that to become significant trouble- our contradictions didn't have the space to bump into each other, to blossom. This weekend, I've struggled with rejection AND with communicating my feelings in a way that minimizes the damage of honesty without compromising it. I feel sorry for hurting my friend. I feel frustrated that I am hurt. I feel sorry that I am hurt. There is a lot to learn and takeaway from this experience, and for that I have immense gratitude. Already, I have a better sense of what relationships I want with myself and others. This kind of pain is exciting. And, I am responsible for hurting my friend, and feel nervous about how their healing will affect our relationship. I've enjoyed my time with them, and hope that our clash is indeed a movement towards mountains, rather than mutual crumbling. 🎇

I hear you! It took me years, too, to arrive at a point of relative calm when I am targeted, and while I no longer react with defensiveness, it's hard to respond with anything else. I tend to shut down and lock up in anxiety. We're doing our best. I doubt I will ever reach a point where past wounds don't show up, but I am moving towards a place where I can be more at peace with my trauma and take better care of myself when it shows up. Glad you're moving along with your book!

In a social culture where we're always told that we need to be harder on ourselves and/or more disciplined, I've found that the answer lies in conviction. You need to be obsessed and desperate, not guilt/shame-tripping yourself. The most passionate people are those who just care a ton. As much as I've tried to work with discipline and being hard on myself throughout college, I believe that developing a deeper passion is the sustainable path forward. Discipline and "hardness" work, but at a cost of eating away your mental and physical health. So many people in high-burnout industries tend to struggle with this. Last year, I've attended Game Developer Conference, and the workshop on burnout was filled with the incredibly effortful industry veterans in their 40-60s, all sharing how they didn't realize how out-of-balance their lives where until they got hospitalized/a family member died/etc.. Thank you so much for helping me reflect on this, I appreciate and relate a lot to what you say @MuMuMelon!

Back with another grievance, if nothing else! I want to live more ambitiously. I am back at the state where the force of habit kicks my butt, yet my drive fizzles out towards evening- I simply become complacent, compliant with tiredness. Why not just relax, why be desperate and obsessed? Hope to find some techniques for cultivating positive obsession/desperation in the coming days. Mornings and afternoons have worked wonderfully, yet evenings tend to drag. I don't want that!

Cold turkey works very well with websites, but is a bit more tricky with apps. I tend to uninstall apps, and then block any/all websites from which content can be downloaded. If you're looking for web apps, I also recommend "undistracted", it has done wonders for my social media addiction.

Good luck, wherever this takes you! I absolutely relate- I need to occasionally upgrade my desktop for creative work (which is, though old, a gaming one). Every time I purchase a new part, there is a strong urge to try a game I couldn't run well before or reinstall something older... Or even to just test the capacities of the machine in other ways- it's all an appealing way to "play" with the new tools. Sometimes I manage to stay out of it, sometimes I end up w/ regretful decisions for a couple days. Either way, I trust myself to not become stuck in the same patterns- I am no longer the person I was. You are different, too- I am so glad you've found the courage to make this post. Change can be slow and quiet with addiction, but I am glad you're noticing it.

Post reason: relapse with pornography Why consider a relapse: clear dopamine-led engagement with content. Sometimes I do it out of pure curiosity/as a way to make sense of the world, but today wasn't that. What made me want to pause was a text from a friend: I immediately thought, "this is not what I really want". To remind myself, pornography puts my sexuality in a box, above all things. It's frustrating to be both living in misalignment with my values, and be limiting myself as a person. Pornography is NEVER what I want. Every time I think otherwise, I am misguided. I need to remind myself to pause more often, but this is exactly what I always struggle with: I am too easily reconvinced. But, as can be seen by the long-term commitments to all kinds of things I've been making lately (finishing books, taking on long-term projects, committing to a job, etc.), I am very capable of sticking to a belief. Just need to want to quit more badly- and at the moment, I do not. I want to become my values, fully. What do I need to do to make that happen?

How am I doing on my targets: Nope, TV shows have persisted- Evangelion has been a purposeful watch, and I am also at that point in immersion within the show that it is influencing my outlook on life. I could probably pause it entirely, but I feel like that would consume more effort and time than letting the last episode unravel. Games I quit as intended, though! No clear schedule- bedtime is all over the place, wake time is inconsistent, my dreams are heavy and exciting. Too exciting- I struggle to get out of bed because sleeping feels better than anything else throughout the day. Ouch, scary to admit that. Well, the solution is to minimize dreams- wake up earlier. Journaling about 1hr day, though not very centered. Need to bump up the hours, though the core project has been chosen and is being worked on. Above all, or perhaps underneath everything, is my overall lack of passion. I both feel sleepy and unmotivated. Perhaps I should go on a walk. *goes on a walk* Love walking. Helped a lot. I really want to animate, huh. But not now. After I am done with the essay, or it will never get done. Feeling better. Let's carry on- I feel the heat of passion again!

Tomorrow is here, what do I envision now? Quit all media until next week- no games, no TV shows. Try my best to rebuild my coping mechanisms. Re-purpose my morning/evening routines. I need to stick to a schedule to avoid getting lost, yet now I know the value of space and being in the present moment- what's a good synergy of these? Journal 1hr/day until next week Determine the #1 project and work towards it first thing in the day, for 3-5hrs/day. All other things need to become secondary, again. Specify: I will journal for 20 minutes on why I want to quit all media I will dedicate 20 minutes to creating routines I will generate a series of topics to journal on 3x20mins/day I have determined my top priority project: distill my current research into separate blog entries. ✨Let's do the work

Wait, there's more... Confessions! I have strong impostor syndrome at work: I feel that my character isn't compatible with this position- the way I am asked to interact with people goes against both my preferences and the skills I've developed. I feel as though my uniqueness is an issue, and I am hesitant to change the way I am (because I love it). For context, I find the way I view the world to align strongly with Adlerian beliefs of respect, interdependence, and horizontal relationships. At my workplace, I am asked to relate vertically instead, as I act as a policy enforcer. I also find my offers of respect treated as a liability ("you're too trusting"), and interdependence unavailable, as the relationship between me and the people I work with (students) is more distant and cold than I'd like for a variety of reasons. While I know this will improve over time, right now the growth is slow, and I am not sure how much I want to embrace it, even. I want to change jobs sooner than 8mo. That's twice the time I've spent at the workplace already, though 3 out of those 8 will pass by rather quickly (summer work, breaks, etc.). I don't care "enough" for the job. Yes, I do the minimum of work, and even more than that, but I just don't feel much passion for doing this work. Perhaps, I have not made the effort to care; yet also, it's genuinely not a position where my identity, interests, and existing strengths/skills are of that much use. Yes, I'm learning a lot, but much of it I hope to not utilize outside of work. I am emotionally drained- hence the desire to play video games, watch TV shows. Every other form of media reminds me of how I want to (and can, and should) live a different life, so it's hard to engage. I am tired of feeling tired- I know that I can choose to be passionate and feel passionate, and yet right now it is not a place of desperation from which I tend to operate. In words of Octavia Butler, "humans tend to go to the edge". What do I do now, huh? Having just played 30mins of games (extremely rewarding, which is exactly what I'm craving- a sense of competence, accomplishment, my work rewarded), I feel more ready to admit/notice what are the things I'm lacking in my current life. It seems that I must step up my job and put a bit more effort in. Otherwise, the feeling of incompetence will drive me down into gaming and other escapist ways of feeling accomplished and competent. I also MUST find a hobby that is less addictive yet provides a similar sense of accomplishment when completed- let's get back into art, music, any kind of artistic activity where I can get quick results. Once all of this is set, I hope to feel empowered again to undertake unrewarding tasks that I call "my life's work". Right now, conviction is not enough to pull me into it with passion, but only with discipline. Let's move to tomorrow with these thoughts.

Alright, let's create some "determinations" briefly. First, I want to acknowledge that I'm feeling so incredibly down. And I will seek help, shortly- calling a friend tonight, another one tomorrow. Not sure why this is beyond feeling "stuck" (which I know to be irrational, but I don't think my feelings have caught up yet). Determinations: I am changing jobs in early August 2024 (8mo from now) Completion of the project that I've considered my life's work for the last 1.5mo has become impossible I am undergoing incredible crisis of doing/making: I know that what I am doing now is not worth my time, but I am not sure what is. I am continuing to move forward I have been avoiding my emotional state a lot and have dedicated little time to reflection I am rebuilding my habits, sleep schedule, and other things slowly This week has been tough, for reasons out of my control I will persist, no matter what I am reflecting more frequently here than before I am refusing to give up I have stopped playing games I have been able to abstain from porn consumption for a record amount of time With all of this, where do I go?

To echo @visitor's concerns in a gentle way, I am curious about your prioritization of pre-determined control instead of making choices in the present moment. If this were to happen to me, I'd immediately drop the task to take care of the mushrooms (in my rationale, I'd be avoiding the problem and therefore making it worse, and then dedicating more time to the task of drying as a result). But it seems that for you, having the past be in control of your present is the preferred way of choice-making. How come?

Alright, let's reflect. I feel drawn to do other things, which feels great. The last couple of days I felt drawn to nothing at all; now I find myself actively prioritizing and making choices. Ah, I'm so glad to be alive and feel pain and struggle. -- So, I had a life-changing vacation. Wasn't a vacation truly, as I exerted more effort than I ever have emotionally and interpersonally. And, my purpose wasn't to relax, but to build a meaningful relationship with a very close friend. And there was much building- we moved from platonic to romantic to platonic again, to now something that feels like a "coming of age" couple moment. I don't have a stable term for our relationship, really, but they suggested "companionship". We walk together, sometimes holding hands. I like that. That "vacation" has helped me notice so much of my aspirations for who I want to be with, why I want to live the way I do (and do not), how I want to prioritize my time... And it also reminded me how much healing I have to do, and how unsatisfied I am with my current situation. My job isn't bad- it's light yet plenty of learning. My colleagues are wonderful and embrace me as I am, yet I feel so different from them that developing closer bonds feels both too effort-full and unwanted. And the pains from my past relationships keep rising the anxiety levels even as I feel more and more free to be here and now. With all of this, where do I go now? I know I "should" work 10-14mo here before moving on, but I feel so limited. I want to wake up in physical proximity to people I love. I want my job to feel hard to put down. I want my personality to be the most valued asset in the workplace. I want to contribute to making the world a better place, and like MUCH, much better- the kind of radical work that barely pays and is discouragingly difficult. And these are not dreams- these are things I will actively work towards, now. I am looking for new opportunities. I talk to strangers every day, though so far not one has turned to a friend. I am creating important personal projects that matter to the present, not just the future that may never come. But it's hard to keep going. Especially after that vacation- to know how greatly different I want my life to be, and how little I can access of that vision in the present tense; it's so damn heavy to carry this with me. Yet, I am privileged to be so strong, so capable. I want to keep making the world a better place. But not at the expense of my own wellbeing, of happiness, of healing. This vacation didn't just change the sky which I hope to reach; it changed the air I breathe. And hurts more to ignore the freshness in my lungs than to accept the pain of unfamiliarity with this atmosphere. I want to keep moving forward, whole. Without leaving my happiness ahead, in the distant future. Without putting my pain behind, always encroaching on the present. Without gazing so hard into the present that I forget the color of the sky, and the freshness of the air. -- Yes, I'm so glad to be alive and be hurting and sad and lost 💛

I'm curious as to what your conception of "lost time" is. As I've been reading more of "Time Management For Mortals", which talks in length about our perception of time itself as a commodity that is "spent" on future, I find myself distancing from concept of "lost" time. Cuz honestly, it is up to me in the moment whether time is "lost" or not. I am always doing something with it, it doesn't just sink through. And also, darn it, some things do feel like a "waste", where I certainly could have and should have chosen to act/be differently. For me, the line is drawn on whether I am present and actively making a choice to engage. When playing games, I loose awareness. When cooking without music/podcast/other low-commitment task, I tend to tense up and spiral into dark thoughts. Both of those tendencies are not active choices, and therefore I feel regret. But every time I make a conscious, intentional, honest choice... I cannot consider it "wasted" time, because I simply didn't know better. Humility is a wonderful feeling, do you think so?

Not feeling well about my ambition/care/love levels. Have been playing video games frequently again- about 100 mins over the last 2 days. Hope to expand on this tomorrow morning- a frustrating moment that I want to remember.

Before responding, I just want to say that your words on rest have resonated with me a lot. Having just come back from a 5-day trip with a person I love so, so much. It was a great time, and also a time of ignoring my inner calls to rest. Now I am feeling resentment towards them, and that's so hard to deal with. It feels although I ate too much chocolate (and it all was so good!) and now feel sick just thinking about it. Frustrating place to be in, but I'm learning and hope that the resentment will settle down. Now yes, I have been becoming better at taking care of myself, and asking for help, and not keeping it all inside. I appreciate your support and encouragement, it helps me prioritize this more 💛

You're so kind, I appreciate your empathy and care! I certainly dramatized that experience. It does feel like watching a dam break, but while on the board a ship capable of sailing through those waters. I am certainly not running, but do have a tendency to let the water carry me, rather than choose where I move. Therapy has not been accessible for some time, and I've been managing pretty well on my own, and with the help of friends. I do plan on resuming- last couple of weeks have been peaking my stress levels, and I want to find more sustainable ways of living. I am sorry that you've had similar experiences, and am glad that you've found a way to work through them 💖

My struggle isn't even to "create/crave content", but to sit and just be okay with my thoughts as they are. Today while baking, I've experienced some of the most intense stress in the last ten days-ish, and it was simply from me thinking through things that have been happening- as if I naturally dive into distressing thoughts. For me, always remaining present/active/intentional in some way is key to maintaining a manageable level of stress. Otherwise, it feels like watching a dam break: it's overwhelming and inevitable and there is nothing I can do but run... Not my favorite place to be ✨

Remind this to myself every day! I am someone who prefers to pull through the burnout for the sake of persistence, but it's important to have expectations that match my current state wellbeing! Thank you for sharing this :heart