Lampshade

Day 39 Yesterday was a decent day. Drank more coffee than I wanted to and got all the equipment tested that I needed. Also had Battlestar Galactica going in the background so it was pretty enjoyable. The downside is that it's pretty obvious how much less I enjoy being myself when I drink coffee. I don't know if I'm caffeine sensitive or what but the experience is so similar to other drugs that it's amazing to me how socially accepted it is. There's about an hour or so of energy, mild euphoria , and impulsiveness. Then a comedown where you crave more. Giving in builds tolerance and addiction. Quitting has withdrawals. It raises anxiety levels. Impairs sleeping. Decision-making is different. Conversations are different. I've been around a lot of drugs and the feeling I get walking into a caffeinated workplace if I haven't had any in a while is the same feeling I get when being the sober person amongst a group of friends. They are all just so obviously high, zipping about and saying silly things. Then everybody crashes and gets all quiet and withdrawn in the afternoon except for the subset who keep going. It'd be hilarious if I wasn't the same. This is turning into a CoffeeQuitters journal. I need to stop complaining about it and ease up. If that's my biggest flaw right now I think I'm doing alright. Brain can't seem to understand that though. Today is similar to yesterday. Going to get in an hour of picking at the paper I'm writing and then spend a bunch of time moving files from one folder to another. I mean *ahem* creating a master folder of positive controls.

The first 3 days or so can be difficult, journelling does help. It was kind of shocking to me how similar the struggles were between people on here and interesting to see what worked/didn't. Anyways, welcome and good luck

Wellbutin was one of the things I was given to try as well. I never got to the point of it becoming effective though because I'm terrified of the side effects and the withdrawal. Hope you make it through okay, tinnitus sounds awful.

Sounds nice. My s.o and I work out together and it's brought us closer + keeps us motivated to be in shape. The sex thing as a guy is hard. Especially since I find it's the guy who ends up having to initiate a disproportionate amount of time.

Keeping busy is the only way I can keep going! Day 38 Mmm steaming cup of coffee. Trying to moderate my intake right now (where have I heard that before). It makes the days more enjoyable, but undeniably increases my anxiety levels an uncomfortable amount. Other than that not much going on today. I want to get an hour of writing in on a paper that I've been neglecting. The rest of my day will be spent testing equipment and moving audio files from one folder to another. The reality of the less-fun side of science. Much as I complain about it, ten years ago pre-university when I was working factories and retail this would've been the best working day ever. Oh and I also want to meditate, practice French, practice bird ID, practice coding, read my novel. Already worked out and walked the dogs. All that and I still feel like I'm not doing all that I want to do.

Day 37 Gee, those number are getting up there I think I'm giving up on quitting coffee. I'm going to try to keep it from becoming a daily habit, but indulge once in a while. My rule will be try not to do two-days in a row, and absolutely not 3-days in a row. So today, I am having no coffee. And the day is less fun 😞 Caught up on some chores, did a good physio-type work out, and about to clean up the office. It got mess-ssayy.

Best of luck 🍀

Day 37 Today was a great day. It had been cold for a while and just today went up to 10c, which is a flippin sauna. Met up with my friend and played some bball. Best game we've had in a long time. Then went down to the beach and had a fun little photo shoot with the wifer. Felt like it was time to start updating my profile photos. The down side is that my province is switching over to the next stage of covid restrictions. We're very well off in terms of the numbers, today was a record day for us and it was only 23 cases, but seeing people is now restricted. Masks have been mandatory for a couple months now so nothing has changed in that regard. We're just now in what we call a single houeshold bubble; you're not supposed to visit people outside your household starting tonight. No change to workplaces though, which seems strange. I think it might be to curb the transmissions from bars and nursing homes since that is where the bulk of the cases are coming from. Doesn't affect me much since I live in the country, work from home, and don't usually go out around town. Edit: omg, I also completed a quest. Forever ago I found an old iPod from 12 years ago. It's not my highschool one, it's the one I got right after, but it's still got a lot of the music I would listen to all day instead of paying attention in class. Lots of Nightwish and staring moodily out the window, black long hair hiding the earbuds from the teacher lol. I don't even have hair anymore. Last month I found a charging cable at a thrift store and finally got around to trying it and it works. 80gb of music from back in the day when you could actually own digital music. I'm gonna enjoy the shit out of this in the coming week. Something about walking down the street in the dark, no chance of notifications or writing reminders on the phone. Just you and your music.

Right there with you man. Amazing to have all this extra time from not gaming and still feeling that way

Having books during the early days was what got me through. What are you into/thinking about?

Day 36 I'm so bored. My cravings for games specifically are still there, but not to an intense amount. I'm mostly craving anything that will take me out of this sober state-of-mind. I'm out of caffeine, cigarettes (I'm not a regular smoker, I had been picking at that pack for 3 months), no games, no alcohol. I don't know if I've ever been this sober in my adult or teenage life. It feels like I'm running and at that point where every moment is a conscious effort to just keep going. A few potential triggers for this feeling: 1.) general boredom with life, specifically workdays. 2.) Finishing the Queen's Gambit and missing that feeling of flow and community that I used to have with gaming. 3.) Trying to apply that energy to my work and realizing it's just not the same. 4.) Getting overwhelmed with the number of things that I feel like I need to do to be happy with where I am at work 5.)trying to figure out how to structure my days so that they all get done. Things that have helped are 1.) getting better at the 'Managing Anxiety' course on headspace. This doesn't make the feeling go away though, and isn't designed to. 2.) showering/tidying up 3.) stretching/exercise 4.)Waking up early. I think 4 is the most interesting. If I wake up at 5:30 I don't feel nearly as overwhelmed with all that I have to do in a day. It's still surprising to me that, despite knowing that, I still try to force myself to sleep in later. It's not even a good sleep because by then the SO and dogs are up and about. I just don't want to deal with the day. Anyways, today I want to start one of my coursera courses for an hour, write for an hour, clean up all my misc. notes and whiteboard (1 hour?), and then spend the remainder working with data and dealing with emails.

Day 35 Started the day off watching some presentations of other grad student projects on the couch. It was super chill and enjoyable but I continued working from the couch and lost energy around 1:30pm. Haven't done much since, (it's now 2:30) and it's looking promising for the rest of the day. Yesterday I had a good work day and I think the main difference was that I was set-up in the office. Also I had a more concrete pan for what I was working on that day. I'm glad I realized this. Easier to just commit to the work rather than trying to simultaneously work and relax. Doing shit with no energy sucks. Another thing I noticed was how much more likely it is for me to forget to do a good habit if I don't do it in the morning before work. I'm on a 33 day meditation streak but almost forgot to because I didn't have time this morning. Lessons learned: work in the office and do the things that you want to be a habit in the morning. Oh, and I was thinking about this yesterday: it's funny to me how much less emotional my posts (and life) are since I quit gaming.

Day 34 4:30 wakeup today, plus had to take the dog out a couple times last night. Suuuper sleepy and planning on napping later on. Wife and I are watching The Queen's Gambit on Netflix. It's pretty good. The main character does this thing where she gets super focused and turns into a killer on the board. It reminds A lot of it reminds me of gaming. The routine of getting pieces just right reminds me of setting the mouse and keyboard just right. Mostly, I miss the level of locked in focus that comes with going against somebody. And the things that you do stemming from that focus. And the confident feeling of being good at something. And the comfort of that confidence. And the feeling of euphoria during the first hour or so of a really good game. And the times of staying up late and managing to ignore the fact that you shouldn't. There's a lot I miss about gaming. It's tough to have to look at parts of your life and see things that matter to you and have to cut them out because of the cost. Competition is a good example. I can run a few races a year, play the occasional bball game when Covid ends (lol), and compete against myself, but we all know it's not the same. I really do wish that I could be one of those people who could game for a few hours a week and be happy with it. It's good to know that I'm not. Today I think I'm going to mostly do some writing/editing. There are also some courses I want to start. Other than that, going to pick at some of the misc. things on the to-do list and try to knock off a couple hours early to read that new book. And nap. edit: took a look at my schedule and I have a webinar, my first counseling appointment, and a community center meeting all later tody. fml.

Been thinking about you, welcome back. A lot of what you write makes it seem pretty obvious that you're ready for a change. Moving from the comfiness of a past life to pursue a more fulfilling one is always difficult. I like how you acknowledge the costs of hanging onto those parts of your previous life; it'll just make the transition harder. I'm excited to hear your thoughts on how life changes over the next 90 days. I think you'll enjoy the mental benefits that come with getting better at resisting cravings/distractions.

That made me smile a bunch. I was on Aelyria for yeeeaaarrs. Play-by-post is great fun

Day 33 Just a quick entry because I slept in and am feeling behind. Got to run into town in a bit to pick up some equipment that I'll have to spend the next few days testing, but more importantly to pick up the next Stormlight Archives book aw yea.

Nothing like getting blue-balled by self-improvement. That was crude and I apologize, only a little though

Good luck! 🍀💪

Day 32 I'm so grateful that I picked up running longer distances this summer because the lessons, feelings, and accomplishments trickle so much into everyday life. It's amazing how often you just gotta keep going (at whatever) when you really don't want to. This message brought to you by another stupid-o'clock, uncaffeinated wakeup. Trying to decide whether to work on the couch or in my office today. Couch is so much comfier but makes it harder to get into business mode. Maybe just a little bit of couch work. It's rainy and cold outside and I have a fire going. Prime coze. Got a bunch of e-mails to write requesting letters of reference. Been procrastinating it because, you know, social stuff. I'm not anticipating any issues from the people I'm asking, just the classic social anxiety. There's a huge range of time I can spend on each one. Most of them know me pretty well so I could probably get away with a couple lines, but the internet recommends putting together whole packets with all the info that they need. That's obviously the choice that does the job better, but takes up a few hours rather than 15-20 mins. I'll probably just hum/haw about it for another couple hours rather than making a decision. We go antiquing often too! I enjoy it, old stuff was made so much better than newer stuff. At least the newer stuff that I can afford. It's interesting too to think about the process that went into making the things, specially if it's handmade. I feel like the average level of individual craftmanship, and the ability/time/patience to apply it, was way higher in the past. Again, at least in terms of things I am exposed to. We went into the Brick the other day and looked at some bookshelves, they felt like they would crumble if I leaned against it, and probably only last 5 years before sagging, despite being like $300. Meanwhile, I've got some 100+ year old pieces that that I'd be afraid to bonk against. I love finding wooden stuff that's literally older than Canada as a Country. Can't even imagine outside of North America.

Day 31 5:30 wake-up today. Was supposed to go for a big hike but my connection to the group flaked out. Sucks cause I'm trying to meet new people and this was a good group that shared my interests. Oh well, hoping there's another one that I'm invited to. Regardless, stayed awake, and plan on waking up at 5:30 this work-week coming up. So tired. Must not sleep. There's a craft sale at my community center I'm going to hit up with the SO. Included in the $2 admission is a coffee. It's gonna be old country folk coffee too, thick and strong. The kind that makes your breath smell like the inside of a cab-dispatchers office. Can't wait.

Lol man if that person existed I kinda feel like we would all just put on our blinders and pretend they didn't. What do you mean by secure vs. unsecure attachment styles? That's a really fun thought experiment. Definitely going to be in my head for a while Day 30 1 month. It seems like both such a short time and such a long time. What's shocking to me is how much different of a person I feel like compared to a month ago. I keep imagining this recent version of myself side-by-side against where I was 30 days ago and the contrast is crazy. Time moves slower. I stand up straighter. I'm better at looking people in the eye. My habits are sticking. I'm still overwhelmed with life but I feel like I at least have a chance to deal with it, or the ability to put in a good effort at least. That's compared to avoiding the feeling and pretending that everything is okay. Fundamentally, I feel like before I was a living-lie, and am now a more honest version of myself. Reading has been the thing that's gotten me through. It's not the most productive hobby, nor the most creative. I'm sure there would be 'better' ways to spend my time. I'm okay with that, though. Most of my work day is spent learning new things, so it's not like I'm stagnating mentally or anything. I guess I'm also doing pretty good with exercise and I count that as a hobby. The lack of creativity is tougher; I would love to get back into writing but I'm not feeling up to the effort right now. Again, since I'm still considering myself in the early days of being a less addicted person, I'm okay with cutting myself some slack and just resting in novels. Maybe someday creative writing will be back in life. I do miss fun imagination, gaming used to give me that. Today we're driving an hour to pick up a tv stand. It was me that said (around 30 days ago) that I wanted a tv again. Now I really don't, but my wife got kinda excited about the idea. The plus is that I could probably use some more braindead time. And I do love having sports on while I do my morning routine. It's just going to slow down that morning routine and risk sucking me in. Also makes it easy to be lazy at night. Gives the opportunity to watch stuff with my S.O., though, which is good. Idk, it's complicated and I'm all over the place with it

Yeah I remember that feeling. Sitting there and thinking to myself 'what am I even doing here'. Have you read Atomic Habits? There's nothing particularly earth-shattering in there but one thing they mention as a way to build good habits is that even if you can't/don't want to do the full habit, just a small session helps solidify it way more than not doing it at all. I imagine it works the same for bad habits, like gaming. Important to remember that you're after a change of trend above all else though. As long as that usage-over-time line continues to decline, you're heading in the right direction. Good luck in the coming days

Just gotta get through those early days. Grind it out, even if it isn't pretty. Got any books to read, or any genre you're interested in? I also found myself just replacing games with YT, reddit, etc. Channeling it into a book, and an audiobook, and basically reading/listening until I couldn't read/listen anymore got me through.

Awesome momentum!

Hey, it's my childhood! 😄 😧 Forward head posture + anterior pelvic tilt? Chiro and this routine daily helped my upper body