codepants

I'd like to start doing gratefulness in my posts again. So... Something I'm Grateful For My Vitamix. It was actually given to me for free by my lady friend's ex-household because it was broken. Turns out it was a common break and with a screwdriver and a $10 part off eBay it can be easily repaired. So I got a Vitamix for $10 and I've had a few smoothies a week since then. General Update Feeling better since yesterday. I cooled off by watching boatloads of TV, then went out and vented to my girlfriend. I think it was hard because of the shame around being rejected for sex. Not that there's shame in being rejected; I think for me it's more shame in wanting sex and bidding for it (i.e. trying to initiate). I've had a lot of bad experiences around failed bids for intimacy (that I perceive were appropriate and non-abusive) and as a society I think a lot of what we identify as abuse, or a lot of "problem behavior" exhibited by men, is when men bid for sex with women (note: by "bid" I mean initiate, ask for, etc... not bidding with money). So I'm especially sensitive to being rejected. I think, too, it's perfectly legitimate to be frustrated when one is rejected. The problem is that a lot of people conflate frustration with entitlement. "Oh, you're only frustrated because you think you deserve/have earned/are entitled to sex!" No. I'm frustrated because not getting something you want is sometimes frustrating. That doesn't mean I'm entitled to it. Anyway, rant over. I just needed to share with lady friend I was frustrated that I wanted sex and she didn't, and once that was out and she didn't judge me for it, everything else came out too. So... feeling better. Almost caught up with paperwork for work. One of my new clients doesn't have his second appointment till next week, so I'm taking it slow on that one... gonna be a long holiday weekend though, I have two more intakes this week. If they show up. Also, did yoga this morning with lady friend, which was fun. We might try and make it a thing, which would be a cool way to motivate each other to work out. This is getting long, so, all for now.

Right there with you man. Keep on keepin' on. You're not alone.

Things since Thursday have been rough. I forgot that I have a trauma response to my supervisor. I guess the weeks between supervision are long enough for me to forget. Fortunately, he had to cancel our call yesterday and I got what I needed from someone else at the clinic. But we rescheduled for Tuesday, so now I have that to look forward to. Lady friend's cat peed on my bed (we keep it because sometimes we sleep better separately). I am irrationally upset about having a stain on my mattress. I'm just so angry about everything right now and I don't know what to do about it. There's definitely a voice in the back of my head saying, "game, game, game..." but it's small. I know that will just postpone the whatever it is I have to do with this feeling. It's funny, for my therapy on the past two Thursdays, I had touched on the idea of terminating. I wasn't feeling great but I wasn't feeling shit. No suicidal thoughts. Now it's like... fuck this, why am I here?

Woof. Missed yesterday, apparently. It was busy and intense. One 2.25 hour session working with parents and a kid who had things just get really, really out of hand recently. Trying to teach them to communicate with each other so they can at least make it to next week. I'm hopeful things will change for them, but I guess we'll see. Then, game night with high school friends. I always have a good time with them. It was really nice to feel connected with people who make me feel loved for who I am. Did not sleep so well. Lady friend wants to do separate beds for a while; apparently, I have been acting out my dreams and waking her up multiple times a night. I think I'll probably sleep better in a separate bed, too. Today has been okay, but stressful. I'm feeling the stress of paperwork, and still trying to figure out the correct way to document that session yesterday. I have a call set up with my supervisor tomorrow to figure it out, but if you've been reading since the beginning, you know how I feel about my supervisor and how those conversations usually go. Still two assessments pending. Another session later today. Couples therapy with lady friend. And tomorrow, sessions all day. I'll get caught up... on paperwork... on my emotions... with my life... eventually.

Today was a lot of things. Glad I did most of my habits in the AM. Work was crazy. 3 cancellations, which sucks, but still I was busy with documentation or getting organized. Really interesting intake that I hope will return. We will see. Came home and worked on a project for my other job. And now time for bed.

Craigslist or FB marketplace? I got a punching bag and stand, $300 new, for $150 gently used.

Still on the mindfulness and uke trains. I think doing those first thing in the morning really helps. It's really difficult to motivate/convince myself to do them later in the day. Also worked out today. It's 30 degrees outside, so thank you, punching bag. And ordered a yoga mat so I don't have to use my gfs when I stop to do crunches/push-ups/whatever. I think I'm going to try and be much more intentional about how I spend my time. No watching shows just because it's convenient. Even though I typically watch less than 2 hours a day, that's a lot of time I could be doing other things, 730 hours a year. I'm considering doing no TV at all unless it's with someone else (ex. gf wants to watch something together). And maybe when I eat, just eating -- not doing anything else. A form of mindfulness if you will. (when did "just eating and not doing anything else" become something we need to identify as a good habit, I don't know) It still feels like my baseline is dropping. Still keeping an eye it. I still don't "believe in" supplements but the only thing that's changed (that I can think of) is the turmeric. Keeping an eye out for other things though. Ooh... maybe eating salad? I think I've been doing that less lately.

What time do you get up and how much sleep do you get?

Back on the mindfulness train, and the ukulele train. Off the exercise train. It's like musical trains. Definitely feeling more down than usual. I ran out of turmeric on Friday, I doubt that's it but I wanted to document it in case I look back wondering. Headaches, fatigue, stomach hurting... all stuff I'm used to, just not stuff I've felt in a while.

That's from the theory of attachment styles. Basically, secure individuals had parents that were authoritative—loving, caring, not too strict but not too lenient—and learned that they can be themselves and explore the world and still be loved. The other attachment styles (preoccupied, dismissive, and fearful) stem from other parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive, disengaged): if your parents were too strict, you're worried about getting in trouble; too lenient, and you don't feel like you need others; too distant and unloving, and you don't trust yourself OR other people. tl;dr we learned from the way our parents treated us whether the world was safe or scary, and thus we either feel secure in our own skin and happy with ourselves, or afraid all the time and insecure, or we push people away, etc. etc. I was trying to say that nobody has perfect parents so we're all a little f'd up and don't want to work on ourselves unless we're compensating for something. And I'm... half joking? I actually think of reading as a very creative hobby. When you watch TV, you are consuming, pure and simple. When you read TV, your brain fills in what's not described. That's why I generally regret watching a movie of a book before reading the book—I feel like I'm no longer allowed to imagine what the characters look like. Anyway, reading reduces your change of getting Alzheimer's; reduces stress (by a lot - 5 minutes can reduce stress by more than 50%); increases your verbal intelligence; and promotes physical, mental, and emotional development. Sounds pretty productive to me. :)

Today was down, then up. Lady friend was ignoring and not talking to me unless I initiated, and even then, she was terse. Later in the day we talked and things are a little better now, but still hard. Rearranged the office, finally. Repotted the ivy, finally. Spent most of the morning working on stuff for my other job, as planned. It was pretty enjoyable, actually. Nothing like sinking into a coding project for 4 hours. Read some (hooray!), took a nap... gonna get back on the uke train today after falling off yesterday, and maybe the mindfulness train.

Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis so much. Why is instability so tempting? I think if somebody knew how to motivate people to do things that are good for them that somebody would be really rich. 😆 Maybe to be motivated to do those things you need a secure attachment style. Which, like, nobody has. Even people who are ripped are probably just coping with their anxious/insecure attachment style by compensating. I think also, doing unpleasant things and keeping a routine can be skills that are practiced. Like most skills, it's harder to learn as an adult. How many of our parents made us exercise every day? Or do healthy habits besides brushing our teeth? (I'm assuming most people who got addicted to video games were probably escaping something, and that most people escaping something had parents that were not authoritative (authoritative parent => securely attached child)).

lol. Mine too. 😄😒 Hey, thanks. Today was pretty good. 4/4 clients showed up, one was 20 minutes late though. One was really unenthusiastic, I don't know if it was a Friday thing or what. Also, dealt with ANOTHER endlessly talkative care manager... prior auths are so much fun. Did not have time to do mindfulness or uke this morning so still have to fit that in if I can. Lady friend is upset with me, I think. She had been crying when I got back from work and asked to cuddle but didn't want to talk. She wants to watch a movie tonight. I'm down with that. This weekend will be finishing this week's documentation and doing some work for my other job, which I'm pretty excited about. I'm less excited about working all the time, but... at least I'm not playing video games? 😁

I'd rather not state my profession directly, not because I don't trust ya'll, but because sometimes people treat me differently when they find out what I do. I'm in the US. Today was so-so. I moved my therapy to Thursdays so I had therapy today instead of yesterday. It feels sort of like we're floating. I know I'm not happy but I think given everything that's going on, I'm doing okay. I considered terminating for now, but in a week, who knows how things will be going. Also, I don't have a copay, so as long as my therapist can justify it to my insurance company, I don't lose anything but an hour. It is helpful just to vent sometimes. For work, 1 cancel today, and 1 showed but then said they needed to call back, and didn't. Ugh. Acupuncture was acupuncture. I think it's done all it can to my back and neck without posture changes, but if it keeps the pelvic pain syndrome at bay, it's still worth it. And then spent the rest of the day doing documentation. And AN HOUR on the phone with an insurance company getting ONE prior auth. That case manager just says everything that's on her mind. And everything she's doing. Thursdays are check-in with lady friend, and the past few have been rough. For one of her check-in items she actually requested we check-in less. I have been giving her a lot of feedback lately which I know has been hard for her. And a physician finally told her her migraines were likely related to her trauma. I had suggested that in passing a while ago but didn't really feel it was my place to push it. She's pretty devastated since she doesn't want to confront the trauma. I know how hard that can be, and I think it will be really good for her. My major check-in was that I need her to put her emotions not all on me. That was hard for her to hear especially with everything she's going through. But I think it will be better for both of us, and the relationship (if we make it out of this) in the long run. I'm happy to say I've been doing mindfulness and uke in the morning, which has helped with regularity. Reading has still gone by the wayside. I'm thinking about trying to swap it with TV -- i.e. every time I want to watch TV, I read instead. I currently have a "habit" goal of watching < 2 hrs of TV a day, and I've been nailing it. But if I could watch even less... I dunno. It's just so nice to have something on when eating lunch. But I suppose eating lunch without something on is more mindful and might help with the anxiety. Decisions, decisions...

Same old today. New client, old client. I now have three cases of 12-14 year old males who have anger outbursts, female caretakers who usurp their emotions, and emotionally absent (or actually absent) male caretakers. I had a fourth last week that I haven't seen because he ran away from home. I'm going to be a pro at cases like these. This country...

I couldn't help myself.

Today was okay. 4/4 clients showed up, so that's good, but it was spread over 9 hours of being in the office. I did get a lot done in the free hours though. Mostly catching up on documentation. Girlfriend vented and wanted to cuddle on my arriving home. More of the same. In my head I was just repeating, "I need space, I need space, I need space," but I couldn't say it for some reason. Usually I'm good at setting boundaries. Maybe I am really afraid of getting kicked out.

Today was... a lot of things. Net frustration, I think, but I am pretty resilient. Had group supervision. I don't like my supervisor. He just lectures, and I perceive him to be very self-absorbed. But we were talking about race, and I'm the only white male in the group, so I felt like I had to listen, even though I already knew a lot of what was being said. But listening to my supervisor is like trying to pick sunk peas out of broth soup. It's emphatically exhausting. Two hours. 3/3 clients today showed up, so that's good. Bunch of phone calls, mostly for work, and those were okay. I finally called back the chiropractor to tell them to stop calling me, because I really felt like they were a scam and I want my evaluation $$ back. I don't believe all chiropractors are a scam, but this one just gave me such a bad feeling. They wanted $2500 after insurance for me to come in 3x/wk for 3 months to relieve my back pain. I paid $70 at the acupuncturist and it's basically gone. Though, as long as I have anterior pelvic tilt, I think it will keep coming back. I should probably add PT to my habits list... Game night with lady friend was... game night with lady friend. We played a new game she bought because she thought she'd like it, and she really struggled through it. I don't mind people struggling through games, but when she struggles with something, she's so... whiney? Effusively frustrated? In need of, but impossible to support? It just took a lot out of me. And then she wanted to cuddle afterward. Which was fine, I like cuddling. But it's like... I already supported you through learning that game. This has sort of been a thing for us. We've been trying to find common hobbies (besides watching TV) all quarantine, and every time we try a new game, she gets frustrated and usually gives up. I don't know where to draw the line. I'm clearly not happy in the relationship, but... but... (this is sounding familiar) I don't want to move out. I'd be fine continuing to live together. We have the space, and we lose our deposit if we break our lease before April-ish. I just need to sit on it.

@Lampshade Yea, I've been doing pretty good on exercise and, surprisingly, eating leafy greens. It's uke, mindfulness, and reading that I'm having the most trouble with. The thing about uke and mindfulness is they are best when practiced daily. Reading I think you can skip a few days, it's not like you get worse at reading over time (okay, maybe a tiny bit, like your vocabulary might shrink a little). I'm struggling with your idea because I think there's some wisdom there, but... but... Not yet, I guess? I think part of it is that I'm building a caseload so things are kind of chaotic, time-wise. And my relationship is all over the place so things are kind of chaotic, emotionally. I'm convinced with a regular schedule and stable relationship I can keep up all my habits. Maybe I will be a little more lenient (i.e. less judgmental) with myself, though. Building habits takes time and energy (physical and emotional), and I'm trying to build 11 new habits (even though 2 are "don't"s). If I struggle with 3 of them, that's still 8 new habits I'm building, which is quite the accomplishment. The other 3 can solidify when they are ready.

I minored in CS and taught myself the rest, so I'm afraid I'm not much use in terms of how to learn. Honestly though... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HluANRwPyNo (the video is 30 seconds so you should watch it—it's worth the laugh—but the gist is that you can learn 80% of what you need to know from Stack Overflow) (Edit: the other 20% is mostly generalizable stuff like how to write efficient, modular code; organize your variables across objects; loop structures, etc.) I've had a lot of fun tooling around in Google Scripts, you can do stuff like organize Google Drive and auto-send e-mails and such. I've actually made a chunk of change "consulting" for a company that wanted to automate a bunch of their processes in Gsuite. FWIW supposedly men are at their most attractive when the have a 5 o'clock shadow. But you gotta think you look good too, of course. Happy for you, starting your own therapy. You deserve to put you first.

🤣 🤣 🤣 I was never any good at chemistry. It just seems illogical and like a bunch of memorization. Coding, on the other hand... coding is the MOST logical. Even more logical than math, because math has imaginary numbers and non-Euclidian planes of geometry. I love that stuff but I wouldn't want to do it for a living. But I would never even think of doing chemistry again. Unless it was like fun kitchen stuff. I don't know how fast your beard grows but I only shave like twice a week which saves some time. I also only shower maybe three times a week unless I exercise, in which case I just rinse off (~5 minutes) afterward. Kudos for doing all that though. Daily AM meditation is one of my goals. Also getting a dog, and then daily AM walks.

It is pretty funny in retrospect. Yesterday was super busy so I didn't have time to make a post. I thought about writing another 2-line poem but just didn't feel it was worth it. So, yesterday, I woke up at 4 and could not get back to sleep, so instead I made a handout for the parents of one of my clients to help them parent in a productive way for this client. That took like 4 hours between doing the research, making the handout, making it pretty, proofreading, etc. Then made breakfast, did some errands, and a friend from out of town stopped by about noon. We spent maybe four hours walking around town (didn't want to get in her car together or go to a crowded restuarant) and went to one of those axe-throwing places (they have all the doors and windows open and there were like 4 people there). Turns out I am pretty good at throwing axes. Not something I would normally do but it was hella fun. She left, so I rode to Trader Joe's to get a special trail mix my S.O. likes that I had mistaken for my own on Friday and eaten all of, then I made dinner, we watched Biden's address, some political commentary, and I went to bed around 9:30. Didn't practice uke or do mindfulness. Those habits are definitely slipping. Today, woke up at 7, got out of bed about 8, breakfast, errands, laundry... it's been productive so far, but I still have so much more to do. At least two clients' worth of intro paperwork, ideally three... honestly if I could finish all that I would be happy. And during the breaks maybe I'll do my habits. Also, got a decent paycheck the other day. A bunch of my clients' payments were waiting on the insurance company but they finally paid. So I'm losing slightly less money than I lost last month... Onward.

I will miss reading your updates, but of course, what you post is up to you. Keep going. 💪

Relapse is a normal part of recovery. For alcohol addiction somewhere between 40-60% of users relapse. You have no reason to be ashamed. I can understand why it might feel like failure or that your recovery has gone backwards, why things might seem hopeless. Take your time in honoring those feelings. When you're ready, you can learn from this, and do it better next time.

Well, not a single hour of Kerbal Space Program was a waste for me. 😂 The others... probably mostly a waste. Avoiding feelings, as BornAgain cited.