codepants

Feel. This. I moved from my bed to the couch this morning and was like, "YouTube time!" but caught myself and just sat there until I was ready to go into the kitchen and make breakfast. It took a monumental effort to not do anything but sit there until I was motivated enough to go make breakfast.

"Day off" today. I usually do in-person sessions on Tuesdays but I can't do any until I get tested. Even though I feel fine... well, not perfect, it feels as if something is amiss. Dry throat, stomach isn't 100% content. But that's not exactly new. Been trying to be productive. Did the dishes, practiced uke, took the trash out. Just feels like it felt two months ago. Maybe I'll try and quit video games again today. But it feels as if nothing has changed... not the way I feel, not how motivated I am. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Lol. Halfway through reading that I was going to recommend Under Armor. But yea, women's clothing has some shit figured out a lot better than men's.

Haha, fair enough, I appreciate that observation. I hope you'll let me know if you ever feel like it's too much and/or you need something else from me. Yessssssssss proud of you mate. Good luck and keep us posted.

Still here, was sick yesterday. I'm 95% sure it was girlfriend's humidifier which only after my asking she disclosed she has never cleaned. PSA: you can get really, really sick from a dirty humidifier. My girlfriend did not know this. Fever of 101, chills, headache (not new, just worse), muscle aches. Woke up this morning with only a splitting headache, probably from dehydration, but no symptoms otherwise. COVID test tomorrow to be sure. Possibly more later.

Today has been pretty productive. I haven't gamed yet, not sure I will. Needing a pick-me-up in the morning is a sign of addiction, so I'm trying not to game first thing in the morning. Partly inspired by Lampshade, and partly by... not being enthused about checking off all my boxes for the day, I've removed a few things: no dishes in the sink, brush, floss, < 2 hours of TV. I will hopefully keep doing them anyway, but honestly, I forget to check those boxes even when I do do them. I also added studying for my licensing exam, because I have the stuff I need to do that—right on my desk—I just keep forgetting. And maybe I'll keep the app open, or set a reminder or something. I'm leaving "eat leafy greens" on there even though it's the one I forget to check off the most, because it seems especially important. I also still want to figure out a way to eat liver. I tried capsules but the air inside makes it feel like there's something stuck in my throat and I have to burp for ages (burping is really hard for me and rarely happens on its own, it requires conscious effort and I suck at it so I have to do it 5-10x to get all the air out). I'd like pill-sized bits I can swallow whole, because I don't want to keep it in my mouth for any length of time, but they only make those for dogs. Would it be weird to eat those?

You know, if you really want to reset your sleep schedule, you could stay up for 36 hours. I bet you'd fall asleep before midnight then.

Lady friend and I talked a bit today. She said she's been feeling insecure, as if I've been avoiding her, which is fair. I don't think I've been avoiding her, but I have been turning down her invites to do things, and asking her less often to do things, and when we do things doing then for not as long. I think of avoiding as like, changing one's schedule to not be around when the other person is around, which I haven't been doing. But her feelings are valid. Anyway, I told her I don't feel like I can be myself around her, and she said that must be lonely, and I was like... yea. So at least she's trying. But when the shit hits the fan it's the same old thing: her feelings come first, and I get shut down. Anyway, we agreed to talk to our couples' therapist about it next week. I don't know what will happen, and I'm okay with that. I have actually drafted a letter to my ex telling her I regret having broken up with her. She did create space for me, and I could be myself around her. I just wasn't ready for that yet. I didn't know that's what I needed. Current lady friend and I are poly, so I would be within my rights to send it, but sending it doesn't feel fair to anyone involved. So, I'm holding on to it for now.

My feelings about this slide perfectly into what you wrote in that paragraph... if the need for progress is compulsive, what are you avoiding? Why is it so difficult to acceptable yourself for who you are today? Why is progress necessary? Of course, you already answered: Good news is, you've also got the solution: I think 3 might be something like: feel the shitty, horrible feelings that you have been avoiding all your life. Allow yourself to feel them, because you are safe now. You don't have to avoid them, like you did back then, when it wasn't safe to do so. And once your body has released everything it's been holding on to, then, yes... profit. :)

This reminded me of that age-old question (or at least there are versions that are ages old): would you rather work endless hours at a job you hate but have boatloads of money, or work reasonable hours at a job you love and make only enough to buy what you need? In this case, I guess, swap "job" for "habits," and "money" for... I don't know, what is it that you get from checking all those boxes? (I intend this to be curious and non-judgmental; I apologize if it presents as critical)

That's fair. I keep thinking there's nothing I really want to do, but maybe if my brain can settle from the dopamine rush of video games, other things will seem more interesting. At the least, I understand one reason why people choose to have kids... there's nothing better to do 😆 (no offense intended to anyone with kids! There are other, better reasons). I did have a somewhat breakthrough-ish session with my therapist. It was a direction we went in. So maybe there is some unopened door. But I research also shows there are "depressive personalities," that depression is genetic, and that anyone who gets it before 21 is at greater risk throughout life. I don't know if that means they have more unopened doors to open, or if you really can explore everything and still feel there is no point to life. I'm thinking about that study they did on dogs... basically (trigger warning: animal trauma) they traumatized some dogs (exposed them to danger without escape) and then exposed them to danger with escape, and they did not try to escape, even when it was obvious how. They had to be physically forced to escape 2, sometimes 3 times, before they would do it on their own. AKA "learned helplessness." Maybe that's what it's like when depression is resolved. You can be "depress-less" and still not know what to do or how to do it. Maybe someone has to show you, 2, or even 3 times, before you figure out what it is you're supposed to do, once you're free. Just an idea.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHmlieesUxw It's really frustrating to be told that, akin to: "Have you tried... not being depressed?" It's easier said than done, but those people are haters, and haters are to be ignored. - - - I know you've talked about coffee before so apologies if this is a repeat, but it sounds like you might want to detox. The first few days, sometimes the first few weeks suck, but if you can get up at whatever time you get up, and make it to 10 PM without coffee or a nap, I find sleep comes much easier.

Mostly want to say: I love this and thank you. I'm pondering the bit about gaming being a "default state." Part me is saying, "No, you're lucky, you can step away from it," and in some ways I can't—it hasn't directly affected my work, education, or relationships. I've never been late to work; not done my homework; or had a friend or other chastise, judge, or treat me differently because I game. But what I can't make a claim to is that there's been no indirect effect. I would bet I've spent at least 3,000 hours of my life gaming, and that's probably conservative. What else would I have done with that time? What skills would I have and how would they have compounded in the other areas of my life? That, I don't know. And I think not knowing makes it all that much easier to deny. To say, "What's the matter if I game? I have it under control." Because even though I strongly believe I do have it "under control," I don't know who I would be without it. Well said, and thank you. Problem is, I have been in therapy on and off for the past 18 years or so. With my current therapist (never found one I liked in my previous city—not one without a session limit, anyway), we're at the point where it's like... he knows everything about me. We've taken every road to the end of where it goes. I have felt all the things I know how to feel. Tell me how to get under the bed, and I will love the ever-loving fuck out of those scared and lonely monsters (sorry, I don't believe in slaying, really). I don't know how to uncover anything else, though I don't deny there might be things I don't know need uncovering. I don't feel stuck, I just feel... ironically, like I'm at the end of a really great, expansive game. I've done all the quests. Talked to all the NPCs. Upgraded all the upgrades. ...now what?

FWIW this is why I defined "quitting gaming" (for myself) as not gaming except with friends, with a time limit. So I can't spend Friday night through Monday morning gaming because it's "with friends," but if I friend and I play for a few hours to catch up, I don't count that as a relapse. Something to consider. It sounds like you then went home and played alone which of course would count as a relapse. Could you and this friend maybe play board games instead? I don't think this is real. I strongly suspect that in the same way people "see that and think that [you] have [your] shit under control," you see them without those things and think they have their shit under control, when under the surface they have just as much stuff going on as you. That's been my experience anyway. Except for people who are devoutly religious. Not to dig on religion, to each their own, but it's been my experience and there is also substantive evidence to indicate that being religious makes people happier. (you? and) I get depressed, and have to maintain habits to keep (ourselves?) myself sane. Religious people go to church, pray, and read the bible.

Wtf is December international relapse month me too 😆😞

@Jason70 thanks for the reply! I'm not using Tinder too seriously, if I were hell bent on finder another other I'd probably use Hinge, that's how lady friend and I met. I agree it's generally better to meet people in person, but because of COVID that's kinda hard right now. Honestly if anything, Tinder has given me validation that there are plenty of other people my age out there who are available. I'm sure there are fewer out there than when I was younger, but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one (mostly due to coworkers and, last year, classmates, all being othered). Doctor did try and prescribe a medication for the sleep thing but I'm not going to take it because it has a reputation for making one of my pre-existing conditions worse. There's another med that's supposed to work really well but he won't prescribe it because he's never prescribed it before, so that's dumb. He did refer me to a sleep study place so maybe they can recommend something. And with luck I should have a psychiatry appointment in the near future so maybe they can help too. I really think my sleep concerns are tied to stress, and probably the lack of exercise I've been doing. Because exercising during COVID is haaaaaard. - - - Wow, it's been a beat. Maybe daily journaling isn't for me. I don't know. Maybe when I stop journaling that's a sign I'm going to relapse. I did relapse. 33 days this time. Last time it was around there, too. Must be my sweet spot. I can't decide if I want to fully quit this time or just try and cut back. I started playing again because I was feeling really freaking depressed, and playing sounded better than just stewing in my depression. Strange as it sounds, I think relapsing might have been the right choice? I still want to climb out of my depression, and doing so will probably involve quitting completely, but if cutting back keeps me from hitting rock bottom for a while then... I think I'm okay with that. I still have feelings about my relationship, but they aren't too different from what I've shared already.

One thing I did a while ago was make my own Google Form that I would submit every night instead of using a habit tracker. You could have "Yes/No" for the habits and scales for how you're feeling. You could even put the habits under a checkbox multiple-select since that might be a bit faster. Google Forms has a lot of flexibility. Downsides: - Have to submit a form so "unsubmitting" would require going into the spreadsheet of results and manually editing the result. On Loop you just uncheck a box. - Would probably require some finagling in R or Google Sheets (which the results can be auto-exported to) but I'm sure you or I or someone here can figure it out. We're all tech-inclined, right? - - - Relapses happen. You'll come back stronger. 👊

Still coming up a little. 31 day streak on not gaming which I think is where I flubbed last time. So as long as I don't game for the next 3.7 hours I'll have a record 32 days. Uked and mindfulled today so that's a two-day streak for those. Still cannot bring myself to read, don't know why. Still feeling iffy about my relationship, but figure I may as well stick it out through mid Jan. I did download Tinder so we'll see if anything comes of that (recall that lady friend and I are poly). Probably I'll just remember how much I hate online dating. Grateful for my clients. Some really good sessions today. Some really good sessions most of this week, actually. Doctor's appointment tomorrow to talk about the sleep things. Not hopeful because, what can they do. But figured it's worth a shot. Better than doing nothing. Sure would be nice to get enough sleep for once.

Excitement about new habits reminds me about thrill seeking which is a common facet of ADHD. It's not something you can get rid of but you can tell yourself that's your biology and you can overcome it. You cannot be stronger than it, but you can be smarter than it. Sorry about the kerfuffle with your sleep schedule. I really think enough quality sleep sets a foundation for everything else. It's something my partner and I have been struggling with too ever since I started moving around a lot more in my sleep (which terrifies me that I might have REM behavior disorder which is a precursor to Parkinson's, but that's not here or now). Could you wear earplugs? Get a white noise machine? Or sleep in separate rooms (sleeping in the same bed is a cultural norm that IMO is overrated. Fine for banging but shit for getting quality sleep. There are many countries in Europe where separate beds are the norm and it means nothing about the quality of your relationship)?

You're a therapist, right? You really believe feelings can be incorrect? That's coming from somewhere... though of course, "I can moderate gaming" is a hypothesis, not a feeling. What's the underlying feeling? Hope? Optimism?

Woof. Did not realize I hadn't posted in that long. Things have been crazy though. Anyway, meditated and played uke today, and journaled too. Not going to jinx it by saying maybe I'm getting back on the train, just taking it one day at a time. Grateful for this pet gate we got that lets us lock loud cat in the kitchen overnight. Still waking up multiple times a night but due to dreams, not meowing!

Twelve things! Nice. Could you do coffee after meditation? Shower coffee maybe? Or if you're working from home, have coffee with work? I'm not sure how you make coffee but maybe it could steep while you shave? I think, too, about the amount of time some of my habits take. I have noticed (like you in a previous post I believe) that I am more likely to do things if I do them first thing in the morning. But now my work schedule is normalizing, I have less and less time in the AM... so do I get up earlier or what? I guess video games used to take 2 hours a day, so without video games, it's the same amount of time...

Thank you. I hope I'm not complaining too much. Grateful for Warm weather! Or, "warm." It's 40 degrees. Etc. Walked 2 miles to a Christmas tree place today (neither lady friend nor I own a car). Strapped it to a bike and walked back. It was a good way to get exercise I guess. And now we have a tree! Landlord has signs up saying live trees aren't allowed, but lady friend is a lawyer and is convinced it's B.S. So... the apartment smells like pine now. Feeling slightly less like crap after that walk and taking a nap. Maybe I can ride it. I did pick up the uke today too. The rest of this weekend will be documentation and Tabletop Simulator. I'd rather there was less documentation but... such is life sometimes.

Yea, I wish someone had told me the tinnitus could be permanent. I never would have consented. If I went deaf I couldn't do my job, and my $40,000 master's degree would have been a waste. Like seriously, they don't think to mention that? Quit cold turkey starting Monday PM. Yesterday was rough and I thought it may have been withdrawal so I popped one. The internet says it takes 4 days for 99.9% of it to leave my system, but I don't know what that means for when withdrawal ends. I still have tinnitus. Today I've been feeling a little anxious too. I'm just having trouble being grateful for anything right now. Maybe that means I'm depressed again. 😅 I do have to get to bike into work today so maybe I should be grateful for a lifestyle that forces me to exercise. But yea, I've been slouching on all my habits. Haven't done many of them in a week or more. Haven't been journaling every day. Been thinking about picking up games again (haven't). Wanting to sleep all day. Just... things are hard right now. This is rather vulnerable but I have noticed that when lady friend rejects me for sex I get pretty grumpy for a while. It doesn't feel good to me that I react that way; as I said in a previous post, it's her right to decline... it also feels patriarchal and immature. Maybe it's because other things about the relationship are not going well so I'm unintentionally leaning on sex to make up for it. Like, at least that is a way I can get some enjoyment out of spending time with her. Ugh, that makes me sound like such a bad person...

Yea. I heard Dan Savage say, "men get turned on, then start touching; women start touching, then get turned on." It seems a little unfair. Grateful My ears? See below. Etc. So I'm about a month into Wellbutrin and today at about 4:30 PM today my ears started ringing and have not stopped since. They had been ringing on and off for the past two weeks or so but for most people the symptoms get worse and then they get better, so I figured, it will pass... well, fuck tinnitus. I started doing research and apparently Wellbutrin causing permanent tinnitus is a thing. Even if you stop taking the med. If I had know that I never would have taken it. So I'm stopping and hoping it's not permanent. I don't care how I felt without the med or what withdrawal is like, this is so. not. worth. it. fml. If you've never had tinnitus before and are curious what it's like, just put this on in the background while you go about your day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tmiHyH2fyA). So yea, I'm grateful that I'm not deaf, because apparently that is also a possible side effect, though apparently only 1% of people get it. Yes, only 1% of people go deaf from this medication... Today also sucked because I had supervision. I've talked about this before so I won't get too far into it, but my supervisor gives me a trauma response. I had a nightmare last night and then was like oh... that makes sense. There is a good part, which is that I gave him feedback about it and though he blatantly ignored it (like he always does) somebody else in the group e-mailed me after and was like... thank you. So at least I'm not alone.