dhitts

Days # 12-13 Made it to 2 weeks! Feeling grateful for that. Same strengths and same problems keep cropping up over and over. I seem to be able to ride out the cravings through replacement strategies. I've worked out how to relax (Bath), how to be intellectually stimulated (Reading, guitar) and how to be interpersonally connected (daughter, reconnecting to old friends) - but when I need to do catch-up work or repetative work I get anxious quickly and my urges to game swoop in. I can fight it off, but I keep resorting to escapist solutions. My goal at this point is to try and move away from that pattern. I am hoping, like Cam says in his detox video, that as I get a little further from gaming that it will be easier in some ways - but I know I also need to just take the plunge. @giblets thanks for the feeback re: the work approach. I am trying it - it's a real adjustment in thinking. I'm not technically bad at it - I just find it frustrating and not rewarding. That said - by avoiding it I am, in a sense, technically doing it badly. I definitely love the other side of my job so if I can overcome my resistance to the paperwork side I will be much happier. I'll keep you posted. Gratitude journal 2 weeks! Grateful to have held on till now. One amazing thing that happened/I did today (Happened over the weekend) Baby rolled over... pretty cool. Workout/run - Ran on saturday - considering upping my weightlifting to 3x per week. Weekly Goal(s) Meditate 5+x (3x last week, trying to build on it) Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings (DONE!); re-start meditating (STARTED!) 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Did more of the respawn worksheets over the weekend - it was helpful to focus me on next steps. What I could have done to make my day better: Use pomodoro's to focus on my goals. What I will do differently tomorrow: Do minimum 2 pomodoros.

Days # 8-11 Been awhile since I've done a journal - happy to say it's not due to a relapse but instead due to a long-standing trouble journaling. This was the first week where I was getting up super early to go to the gym and it really ate up a time period where I would sleep at night or sleep in the morning. Threw me off my journaling game for sure. Trying to get back on it. Also trying to get on top of my meditation plan so I took advantage of an offer from Amex to get a free year of the calm app. Hoping that will help me out. One thing that's definitely been helpful over the week is that I have been taking baths at night which has been helping with my anxiety. A bath is a nice thing. Gratitude journal Staying game free for almost 2 weeks now. Been surprised by the ups and downs of it all. In some ways this week has been harder as the urges are a little more intense. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Bath! Workout/run - Went to the gym at 6:15 am twice this week to lift weights. Pretty cool. Weekly Goal(s) Meditate 3x Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings; re-start meditating 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Endured anxiety without fleeing into games. What I could have done to make my day better: Do some more paperwork. What I will do differently tomorrow: Engage with my paperwork.

Day # 7 Back to work! Monday comes every week. Had a bit of those sunday scaries before it started - powered through. I am working on my pattern of really engaging with the part of my work that I like (the interpersonal part) and disengaging from the parts I dont (paperwork) - which is easier to do remotely than it used to be. This is my long term goal and I am trying to be gentle on myself about it during this first week of being game free. That's still going strong - which is pretty amazing! Made it through a whole week. Went for a run at night, took a bath (which I am finding to be very helpful) and laid in bed with my wife - which she really likes. We are probably shifting the baby's bedtime back in the night since she refuses to stay asleep early on, but I need to make a plan around this new idea as that will mean a block of time that is off limits to ppwk. Something to think about. Gratitude journal My job. It provides for my family, it has good benefits. I really like a large portion of it. I want to hang onto it. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Improved on my run! that was pretty cool. Workout/run - Did another run/walk. Made it 3.5 miles in 40 mins. Weekly Goal(s) Don't re-download old games or new games. (Day 1-7 successful!) New goal: Meditate 3x Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings; re-start meditating 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Woke up earlier. Endured anxiety without fleeing into games. What I could have done to make my day better: Do some more paperwork. What I will do differently tomorrow: Engage with my paperwork. Follow up with some appointments I need to schedule.

Day # 5 & 6 Weekend combo journal. It was a holiday and I got to spend it with my in-laws. That always makes me feel a bit more normal and farther from my temptations. The daughter is always a hit with the extended family which feels good. I continued to feel pretty anxious throughout the weekend - partially due to my paperwork worries and partly due to the political stuff I pointed to in my last journal. I think that combo is going to be with me for a while yet. I didn't succumb to temptation and game - but I did watch a ton of netflix on "daddy-daughter day" which is sunday (I watch the baby all day while my wife works). I dont feel too bad about it because she's only 4 months and I can't really do much else while she takes her mini-naps. I just want to get on more of a positive cycle of working in little bursts - it's a goal for the week. Gratitude journal Gratitude for family yet again. It was a nice and relaxing holiday. One amazing thing that happened/I did today My daughter rolled over for the first time! I felt happy to have been there and seen it. Workout/run - No major workout on the weekends - just walked my dog. I did do 1 10 minute meditation. Weekly Goal(s) Don't re-download old games or new games. (Day 1-7 successful!) New goal: Meditate 3x Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings; re-start meditating 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Woke up earlier. Endured anxiety without fleeing into games. What I could have done to make my day better: Do some more paperwork. What I will do differently tomorrow: Engage with my paperwork. Follow up with some appointments I need to schedule.

Day # 4 First time I am writing my journal the day after. I think it's ok this time. Last night was a wild ride. I was already feeling anxious at the end of the day (pretty sure it's because I felt like I should have done/been doing paperwork but was avoiding doing so) when the news came through about Justice Ginsburg dying. I'm a news junkie in general, I have strong (progressive for what it's worth) political views, and this was extremely impactful for me. I have a action figure of Justice Ginsburg and have been an admirer of hers for years. I stayed glued to the TV/my phone following the story for hours. It made me really anxious. I'm still anxious about it this morning. I feel proud of myself that in my anxiety I have resisted the pulls of videogaming. Normally, like a week ago, I would have jumped onto my computer/phone and submerged myself in the void of gaming to manage my emotions. It wasn't pleasant sitting with the anxiety - but, ultimately, I think it's better. For those of you who might also be from the US and impacted by this situation - I hope you are doing ok today. @giblets Thanks for the pointers - I am gonna try it out this morning as I want to get some notes done. I think I will break it down into bite size chunks and see how far I can get. I also appreciate the guidance around family time - I will definitely keep that in mind. Gratitude journal I felt grateful for my family of origin today. As the news came out we commiserated with each other and shared baby photos to work through the anxiety/despair. I feel very lucky to have come from a nuclear family (+spouses) with whom I can really connect and whom I truly love. It's very much a blessing. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Endured my anxiety and didn't relapse. Looking forward into this process the anxiety spiral was one of my big concerns for relapse, happy to have survived the first big one. Workout/run - No major workout today - just walked my dog. Weekly Goal(s) Don't re-download old games or new games. (Day 4 success) Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings; re-start meditating 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Woke up earlier. Endured anxiety without fleeing into games. What I could have done to make my day better: Do some more paperwork. Try meditating to cope with mood. What I will do differently tomorrow: This is today since I am writing this in the morning: Do 30+ minutes of ppwk, do a 10 minute meditation

Day # 3 Pluses and minuses today. Another day without gaming: Plus. Still really freaking avoidant/escapist: minus. I had a block of time at the very end of my workday where I could have turned to paperwork, but played with my daughter and read about childraising instead. While I feel happy to have done these things rather than gaming - I remain concerned about my escapism when it comes to work I don't like. I know this relates to my adhd, and anxiety about starting. @BooksandTrees You are totally right - when I've fallen behind in the past and caught up I feel so much better. Nonetheless, I struggle to get started. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day when it comes to that. At this time it'll take several days of investment to catch up - I figure I am between 20 and 30 hours behind. But, I'll only feel better when I do it. Tomorrow is another chance - going to shoot for at least 30 minutes of catch up notes which feels like a reachable goal. I watched Cam's Escapism video and found it helpful. I definitely need to do a better job of figuring out what is emotionally driving my need to escape and address that more directly. It can be stress, boredom, frustration, lots of things. And, it's likely I need different strategies for different problems. Don't know yet - but there's time to figure it out. I was able to read some journals/posts by other people but just didn't feel that I had something strong to contribute yet. I know this is a thing for me where I can feel alternatively like I have nothing to say, or that if I do have something to say that I come across wrong. I want to get more involved though, so I am gonna push through. Gratitude journal The fall is here. It's my favorite season. It reminds me of playing soccer as a kid; the start of school; new beginnings. I pushed myself to go for a run this morning at 7:15. The cool air was refreshing and I felt like my day had a good start. I'm glad I'm getting my body back to a state that feels more comfortable and happy that fall is here. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Read a series of articles through an app that talk about baby development. It helped me to feel like my wife and I are doing a pretty decent job with our daughter so far. Plus, it was interesting! Workout/run - 40 minutes of run/walk (16 minutes running, 24 minutes walking) Weekly Goal(s) Don't re-download old games or new games. (Day 3 success) Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings; re-start meditating 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Woke up earlier, went for a run in the morning. What I could have done to make my day better: Send overdue emails. Use free time during work day to catch up on paperwork. What I will do differently tomorrow: Wake up to my alarm; Be a more active community member (read other journals, leave a comment here or there); do at least 30 minutes catch up paperwork

@BooksandTrees here's the link to my journal. The TLDR; I had a baby in May, it didn't "naturally" stop me from gaming. Working at home during COVID has led to me gaming during the work day and I am getting so behind I'm worried I will get fired. Time to quit! Thanks for taking an interest.

Day # 2 I knew today would be a harder day and it was. On Wednesdays my wife and daughter go to her parents for the day and I am left on my own to work from home. I tend to get up before them and then they leave at 9 and I work until 5. Normally, I would game for hours - even, at times, while working. I would tell myself that the games I was playing were "not that mentally engaging" and that my quality of work was the same. Clearly this wasn't true - but, that's what I would tell myself. So, today I resolved to not do that. I'll admit it - I had urges. Urges to escape (time to watch Cam's video on escapism!) - urges to just play a little. But, happily, I held out. Instead I did some projects that needed doing. Washed some sweaters by hand for the fall. Fixed something in the baby's room. Returned an online purchase. Honestly, those things aren't exactly fun - but I did feel rewarded by getting them off my list. Then, I got to brag to my partner, and that felt good. Here, at the end of the day, I feel better than I would have had I just gamed all day. Less ashamed. More ready to go to sleep. It was a tough day but a rewarding one. Day 3 (hopefully) tomorrow. Gratitude journal I feel grateful for this community. I honestly didn't think that it would make that much of a difference to be a part of group who've been dealing with similar struggles - but getting replies from @giblets @royal panda and the like from @BooksandTrees really have made it easier to move forward on this journey. I found myself checking my own posts after I posted my introduction and am pretty convinced that getting a reply was the driving force that led me to actually erase my games. While I wanted the outcome of stopping, I am not sure I could have made it to a place of readiness to initiate the process of stopping without that little push from @giblets - THANK YOU. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Made it through a day alone without gaming. I have a history of gaming in secret. Today would have been a very easy day to do so - but I held off. Workout/run - 45 minutes of strength training. Weekly Goal(s) Don't re-download old games or new games. (Day 2 success) Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings; re-start meditating 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Didn't fall into an old pattern of secretly gaming. Did some chores. What I could have done to make my day better: Wake up to my alarm. Sent overdue emails. What I will do differently tomorrow: Wake up to my alarm; Be a more active community member (read other journals, leave a comment here or there)

I did start my journal! Yesterday was the first entry since it was the first game free day. Day 2 happened today. It was a bit harder as I was alone in the house all day - and would normally have gamed a bunch. But I am proud to say I held back. Thanks for checking!

Day # 1 (I started the process 2 days ago, but today is my first full day game free) Gratitude journal I feel grateful for my wife who is supporting me in this effort and my baby daughter (17 weeks yesterday) who is my major source of motivation. One amazing thing that happened/I did today My first full day game free. I erased all my computer games and my phone games. Can't believe I really did it. Workout/run - did an alternating walk run: 40 min total, 16 min running, 24 min walking Weekly Goal(s) Don't redownload old games or new games. Monthly Goal Shift my wake up time to work out in the mornings; re-start meditating 3 Month Goal Get to a place where I can complete my paperwork at my job daily so I can focus my emotional energy on my family and myself. What went well today: Stayed game free! Erased my game library. What I could have done to make my day better: Done some paperwork. Wake up to my alarm What I will do differently tomorrow: Wake up to my alarm, use some free time to do paperwork

Thanks Giblets. I really appreciate the response, it's good to know that others resonate and have made it to the other side of this thing. Yesterday was an improvement, but definitely not the cold turkey day I'd hoped for. Today I start the journaling process. I've been up for an hour and no games yet (I'd usually have put at least 20-30 minutes in by now...)

So, here's my introduction... I'm pretty old. Just turned 40. Been gaming since I was around 8. I took to it like a fish to water - my parents claim they had trouble getting me to stop even back then. I've never really stopped for any extended period of time since I started... part of me can't believe that I will really stop now. I think the big thing for me has always been escape. I definitely get anxious, I definitely get down, I have ADHD. Games have been a whole other world for me where those things weren't as true. It wasn't as bad when I was young because I was always doing other things that required attendance (school, sports, etc.) - but it was always an issue. Once I got to college, that's where the real problems began. I almost failed out twice - the only thing that kept me in and graduated me were these marathon work binges at the end of semesters. Sometimes I would be up for days catching up on a semester of work. When I graduated I fell behind my peers, moved home, and gamed for 12+ hours daily. It was Warcraft 3 then, Starcraft before that. It led to the end of my college relationship. I kinda pulled back for a bit, focused on moving forward and started grad school. This is not to stay I stopped (I was regularly putting in hours a day on games like Civ 3/4 and Age of Wonders 2) I just shifted away from the online games that were like crack to me. After I got into a master's program and got a real job things seemed to be getting better. Then I downloaded WoW with the Frozen throne update and things got real bad. 8+ hours a day again. Raid leader, community presence, on the forums while at work. Somehow I held it together despite the investment of time, but my then GF was definitely upset. When I got into my next grad school I put it down for a bit. That was a good thing - but boy did my anxiety go up. I had to deal with the negative feelings of wasted time, plus the unexpected negative feelings around actually trying things. Plus I was single for the first time in a long time after choosing to end a long relationship that I realized (In my increased free time) wasn't leading to a permanent thing. I was able to return to a "harm reduction" approach", quit WoW, and stuck to console and single player games. Some binges, but largely functioning in life. Fast forward 2 years and I found league of legends. It got bad again. I was pulling all nighters to game, I was pulling away from my friendships. Struggling to complete my own work for school again. It definitely extended the time it took me to complete my degree and while I kept it from most people, the ones closest to me could tell things had gone wrong. In keeping with my pattern, enough parts of my life went well that I could convince myself I wasn't too bad - wasn't too addicted. I got married, I graduated. I got a job. Maybe I was ok? Fast forward to now. I just had a baby. It's COVID times. I thought having the baby would push me to finally quit. I love her. She's amazing. But, habits just don't stop like that. And, working from home has made the compulsions so much worse. I've fallen so far behind at work that I am actually worried I could be fired. My wife is freaked, I'm freaked. It's time. Today is supposed to be the first day. I've been sneaking a few minutes of gaming in here and there while my wife naps. I haven't erased things yet and haven't changed my passwords. But that's the next step. Honestly, I'm scared to quit. But it's time. It's definitely time. Here I go.