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Max

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  1. Max

    Time to move on

    Hey mate! It is pure detox, I didn't play any games yet. I set a goal to not play any games for 90 days just to make sure that other games aren't a problem. After 90 days I allowed myself to play other games, I just don't want to. Ideally I want to reach the same state Pochatok has, where he can play games, but decides to do other things instead. I think I'm closer to that state as never before. Also I'm kinda concerned that other games can bring memories of playing Overwatch and I will relapse thinking like "If I already play, why don't I play the game I really want". So I think that I will do at least 6 months or 1 year detox before actually considering playing something in my free time. But as I said, that's not the rule, I can play anytime if it isn't Overwatch, I'm not holding myself. I just don't feel like it's time to play yet. Well, I think YouTube was 70-80% of my internet usage. I don't do much else, I deleted Instagram in 2015 just because I didn't use it anyway. After a couple of years I got rid of other social media and never looked back. I don't read the news either. So I would say that my Internet usage now is 70% study related, 20% chatting with friends and 10% gamequitters. There's not much to get rid of. I can't completely quit the internet because studying and working in IT means using google half of your time for manuals/solutions/guides. But it'd like to try full internet detox let's say for a week in summer. Regarding YouTube, I think it's a very useful resource if you use it right. There are a lot of very smart people making awesome tutorials. I usually watched programming, math, physics, DYI, computer science. YouTube is not bad itself, it is bad if you use it such way. Right now I watch too much, every time I was eating I was watching a video, and it was hard to stop and concentrate on studying after that. I was also watching in bed while trying to fall asleep. And I was just spending too much time watching it. This is not healthy, so I quit for a while, but when I will have a desirable routine I will come back again and be more careful that time. I picked a few online courses and a few books, I will study on my own and then apply to software programming job. Right now I'm interested in AI, but my long term goals is embedded and digital design (making processors). I worked for almost 3 months this summer as an engineer (kinda), so I know my strong and weak sides now. I don't think that going into uni is necessary for me. Of course, having a degree is an advantage, but that's definitely not the most important aspect for getting in job in IT. Of course if you study medicine and want to be a doctor, you can't just apply to a clinic saying something like "I read how to be a doctor on the Internet lol". But in IT you actually can xD But if I fail I can always write some exams and go to school again, I'm just 20, nothing's really holding me, I'm open for adventures. Yeah, anonymous addicts community is really different. The most important aspect is their mentality. On GQ, people have different beliefs, we don't share any ideology and we are not really dependent on each other. GAA (Gaming Addicts Anonymous, their new name) follow 12 Steps and Traditions (they were originally created by Anonymous Alcoholics, but are common in most anonymous groups). The main idea is that they see themselves as powerless addicts who can't be recovered and become normal people. They find their purpose and savior in infinite healing process, but they will never fully heal. They work on making 12 steps into recovery, first is accepting yourself as powerless, that you are an addict and you will always be an addict, this is an illness and it can't be cured "We admitted that we were powerless over gaming addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable". The second step is accepting that only the higher power is capable of ending their suffering "We came to believe that power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". On 12 step they reach spiritual awakening "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to gaming addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs". And they do these 12 steps infinitely their whole life. The other important thing is that they are much stronger as a community, they are highly dependent on each other. When you come to them, you find a so called sponsor (an addict who quit some time ago, usually a year or more) who will guide you in those 12 steps. They have online meetings a few times a week, each lasts an hour, it starts by everyone saying that they are here because they are gaming addicts, then everyone has 5 minutes to speak about their experience. Once a week my local group has an offline meeting in a church in the center of Moscow, I think I will go soon. So, even though they seem weird, I can't call them dumb. I had a few conversations with them, and found some very smart people. One guy is 17 and he says very wise things. So I don't agree with their vision, but I respect them for sure. Ah, it's been a pleasure, I like to talk lol. I am sorry that you had to read so much haha.
  2. Max

    Time to move on

    Day 99 without games. I’m 20 now, happy birthday to me! Even though I caught a cold and not feeling well, I don’t even think about playing. I spend my time doing math and reading. Am I the person I imagined I’d be when turning 20? Hell no, I’m just a joke. But at least I don’t play, everything else will come with time. I spoke with some people from anonymous computer video gaming addicts community, and I think their program is not for me. The whole idea behind 12 steps is accepting yourself as powerless addict and pray to Higher Power that is able to save you. I don’t share these beliefs. I am not powerless, I quit because I decided to. It was MINE decision and MINE determination. Years of mistakes and failures that gave me priceless experience. I will still attend their meetings because I like their goals, and I still respect their beliefs even though I don’t agree. I feel like this will be my year. I feel self conscious. I am finally capable of changing things. Right now I’m worthless, but I can’t wait to see who I’m gonna become at 21.
  3. Max

    Time to move on

    Today was my first meeting with anonymous computer video gaming addicts. They were very nice and welcoming. I am very glad that I found like minded addicts in my area. I thought that my case was tough and oh boy I was wrong. Some people there have played much more, they were more depressed and suicidal than me. I’ve seen some sad stories here, but they’re on whole another level. I think I finally found a place where I belong. Soon enough I’ll start working on 12 steps. Really looking forward to it. On another note, I want to get rid of porn. Maybe it’s a bad timing, because I quit youtube just a few days ago and it may be too overwhelming, but I’m just so sick of it. When I picture myself I have nothing but disgust. I want to pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient. It’s time to stop being a dirty pervert. I’ve been making mistakes my whole life, it’s time to do something right.
  4. Max

    Time to move on

    Just as I thought I am severely addicted to youtube and the internet in general. I caught a cold a few days ago, so I’m not going outside. All I do is math and reading. And it fucking sucks. I am absolutely dead inside. I never really cared about social aspect of my life, but now it’s killing me. I’m so sick of being alone. People usually socialize in school and university, but I had a home school and failed university entrance exams. My whole social life was in online gaming, other time was spent on youtube. When I quit gaming for the first time in 2020 it made me severely depressed, in 2.5 years I managed to recover, but after quitting youtube the last pillar of my sanity has fallen. I always knew that my nonexistent social life is concerning, but gaming and internet were distracting me from those thoughts. But now I’m one on one with the reality. Without gaming and youtube, who am I? Almost 20 yo virgin with no friends or girlfriend. I don’t know what to do, and even if I did, I’m too scared to do anything.
  5. I had the same thoughts a few times while being here. Every single time I miserably failed. The addiction is inability to moderate. I’ve been reading journals here for a couple of years now, and I found out that most of successful quitters are saying the same things. And I think that the first and the most important one is something like “quit cold turkey, don’t try to moderate”. Matt had a long post somewhere, where he said that he never seen a single person on this forum, who successfully played in moderation for a long period of time. It could be a day, a week, a month or even two, but people are slipping back to binge gaming. To be fair, I’ve seen one successful case. It’s Pochatok. But I think that’s the special one, because he said he was playing for only 1-2 hours a day before coming here, and it was already concerning him. So my guess is that he’s more focused on general discipline/lifestyle/mindset thing, rather than getting rid of gaming. When I was playing, 1-2 hours was barely a warmup, so in my perspective I can’t call him a video gaming addict in the first place. But he’s done a couple of detoxes before he started playing, I think both of them were 180+ days. And even now he plays only a very limited range of indie games for like 10 minutes a day. There are weeks where he doesn’t play at all. And he has planned to slowly reintroduce gaming, it didn’t happen like “well, fuck it, I guess I’m just gonna play in moderation now”. What I’m trying to say is that there are certain patterns people fall for. Everyone knows them, but still fall for them. There are very few exceptions, that just confirm the rule. If you think you can neglect the rule, think twice.
  6. So a big chunk of my life has ended with my 90 day gaming detox. I managed to quit and lose any desire to play. But it doesn't mean that I'm satisfied with it. I am empty. I suffer from loneliness and lack of discipline, I have no purpose either. My goals are vague and I don't do much to accomplish them. Quitting games was just the first step, now I need to fill my life with something healthy and meaningful. During these 3 months I've done pretty good. I've made quite a few programming projects, including web application and a 2D video game (I don't count my own game made from scratch as gaming, I've never actually played it after development). I also read quite a bit and a started going outside every day. My most recent activity is learning math. So I'd say I'm doing pretty okay. But it's definitely not enough, I want more. I wanna make it clear about my relationship with gaming from now on: I will never play Overwatch ever again; when it comes to other games, I don't care. I might play if I want to, let's say in a company somewhere, but right now I have no desire to even try. But I won't treat playing other games as a relapse. What am I gonna do next? I want to do another detox! As it says in the title, I have to move on. My next biggest addiction is YouTube. I don't use any other social media, but YouTube is a real waste of time. I think I've been watching it almost daily since 2011 or 2012. To be honest I've learnt quite a lot from it, it's a good resource for guides and teaching, but I want to at least have a break from it, so I will delete it from all my devices. But I'll have one exception: if I encounter a problem and a relevant solution from google search is on YouTube, I'll watch. As a tech nerd I google a lot, so I need YouTube guides to make my life a bit easier. That's all for now. I feel like I want to return to dumb Nokia phone in the future to do a full dopamine detox, but I think it's too much to do everything at once. I have to take it slow. I also have to develop a studying routine, fitness routine and something for socializing, but I think it's too much for a single post and for a single day. I'm on a holiday for a week, I will try to study a bit, read a bit and maybe do something for fitness. I want to try things so I would be able to set adequate goals and make a schedule. In my last journal I said that I don't need this forum anymore and that I'm leaving. So why am I writing this here? Well I still have a lot of things to work on and I like the idea of a personal development journal to make my goals more concrete, also I like writing in English I guess. I don't think that I will write here daily, but I'm open to experiment. We'll see how it goes. When I just started my first journal here in 2020 I've been seeking for attention, treated this forum as a social media. I wanted likes and replies. Right now that's absolutely irrelevant, I'm doing my own thing mainly for myself, if it'll help someone who's just starting it's a plus, but ain't my motivation. When I was writing daily in my last journal this year, I noticed that no one has replied to me in a month, and I was pleasantly surprised because it was so unrelated to my goals, that I noticed it only after about 20 days of writing. I think it shows my maturity, that what I'm doing has a real value, not just a cheap show off. Other than that I'm still an idiot lol.
  7. I've joined this forum on August 11 2020. Today, on January 4 2023 I've done it. I think my first attempt to quit was around 2017. I started playing video games around 2009, so I think this is my longest period without games in 14 years. It's been hard. Very hard. I've lost almost everything during these years, to the point that I wanted to commit a suicide. No friends, no girlfriend, no education, no job. All this time I've been losing so much to gaming, the 90 day detox is my first victory.
  8. I don't need this forum anymore, I have no desire to ever play a game, I tend to just waste my time reading journals instead of doing something productive. Thank you for all these years, I'm done. P.S. Don't bother to reply, I won't read.
  9. it's is not due to my surgery, I have gastritis as well. Yes, I have to eat at least 3 times a day, of course with a break in between. Meals are medium sized, overeating is especially bad. Depends on the size, at least 3 or more, if more meals, than less portions. I've never had a day of 6 waking hours.
  10. Day 16. Absolutely useless day, I want to forget it and start from scratch tomorrow.
  11. Day 15. Today I finally went outside to the extreme park with my kick scooter. I can say that my endurance has gone to shit. Like after 40 minutes of riding I've got plugged ears. I've got one more month of my light fitness training which I do after surgery, and after that I will do some exercises like cardio and something body weight. My sleep schedule is my biggest issue. Today I woke up at 1 PM. It happens because I can't go early to bed, because if I eat, I can't lay for the next two or three hours. And I have to eat at least 3 times a day, so my dinner is like at 11 PM, so I can only go to sleep at 1-2 AM. All these rules is due to my medical condition. Learned Python for a few hours, less than usual, because I had to figure out other stuff related to my Linux machine (language servers and setting up a backup). Still absolutely no cravings to play. Overwatch 2 is disgusting. Btw yesterday I watched an Overwatch video on Game Quitters YouTube. First 1.5 minutes is literally the story of my addiction.
  12. No idea, I don't count. Usually more than 3 hours a day.
  13. Day 14. I'm making slow but solid progress in Python. Basically my whole usual day consists of 1) waking up 2) fitness routine 3) linux maintaining and configuration (not daily, but most of the time) 4) python. Since my dopamine detox my YouTube usage reduced a lot. I no longer watch stuff in bed. I only watch while eating and while doing fitness. I think it is totally acceptable at this point of my journey. I'm still struggling with spending time outside, I should make a habit to have a walk after I wake up or before sleep. Haven't started meditation yet as well. Overall I'm making some small progress, but very slowly. But I think I'm heading in the right direction, so I'll keep doing what I do and it will lead me somewhere.
  14. I've replied to your suggestion before: And no, I will never neglect sleep to do stuff. If I sleep less than 8 hours, my next day is completely ruined. My goal is to enjoy life and enjoy what I'm doing, not to torture myself. I'm doing at least 4 hours of programming daily just because I like it. On weekends sometimes I'm not at home all day, so I usually take a break. And I see no problems with it.
  15. Day 13. I've been semi-productive, studying for like 4 hours. It's been hard to focus, I'm constantly thinking of something else and it's annoying. Honestly I wish to do another dopamine detox, buy I know that it's not the time currently. I have to try meditation, maybe I will finally find some peace of mind. The weather is shit, so I haven't left the house in 2 days. This is not good, especially because I have almost no food left. I've been also neglecting doing the dishes, which is something I'm very ashamed of. My schedule is still a fucking mess. I have to get my shit together. I know I am able to.
  16. Been there, done that. The thing is, games give you instant gratification, immediate response, while when you do something in real life, it has a learning curve and little to no feedback when you start. For example with programming, learning language syntax is the most boring part. Mostly you just memorize stuff, while not having any space for creativity. Then you start learning algorithms and data structures, which is more fun. And when you start doing your own project programming really shines. You reap what you sow. In my case, I was a top 500 player in Europe, playing competitively both in ranked mode and tournaments with my team. I was in top <1% of playerbase. I was good at what I was doing, I had "friends" in game, a goal to get more ranking points, get even better. When I quit I lost everything. In real life I am no one, with no skills, no education, no work, no friends, sucking and failing at everything I try. During my second or third try to quit I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself. Every night I went to sleep with a hope to never wake up. It's been more than 2 years since I started actively trying to quit, I'm still dealing with all of this. But it gets better with time, you just have to suffer through. If you are an addict, there is no easy way out. Pochatok wrote a very good post about it in my old journal.
  17. Day 12. Short entry because nothing happened and I wanna sleep. Well I watched a part of 2.5 hour weekly news video on YouTube while doing my fitness routine and then eating. Then I started listening to music I like while walking in circles. I felt no motivation to do anything productive at all. But I later thought that if I won't do anything, I will be useless and miserable forever, I'm 20 soon and I lack so many skills and qualities. So I set and started learning Python. First 2 hours were difficult, I was constantly losing focus. Later I've got into it and couldn't stop until 1 AM. So today I've done like 5 hours of programming in total, which is not bad. I still think I need more discipline and consistent schedule. Currently both is just a mess. Nothing else to report, no cravings, blah blah blah. Bye.
  18. Hey, thanks. To be honest 99% of the time I read only technical/science literature, Atomic Habits was the only book I've read about behavior/human mind, not sure if I need anything else at this point.
  19. Day 11. So my 7 day dopamine detox is over. It wasn't perfect, I watched a couple of YouTube videos because I needed a guide to set up some software; I used Discord a lot; I used study with me Twitch stream once on the background; I listened to some music although it wasn't on purpose (in the taxi, supermarket etc); I masturbated daily even without porn (I have a medical condition related to my testicle surgery, so I'm afraid it can get bad if I stop); and today I ate a few candies just because I forgot I shouldn't eat junk food. This detox made me realize how lonely I truly am. I used to always have a YouTube on background when I'm doing chores to keep my mind occupied with something. But without it I'm just left alone. First few days have been especially tough, but later I kinda started coping with it a little bit. On day three or so I started talking with myself, and I realized, that actually cheers me up. My productivity and focus increased drastically, I also started to appreciate small things like the weather, a long walk outside, reading a book. It's been much easier to actually start doing productive stuff. My initial thought was to do this 7 day detox once to get a grasp of what low dopamine life feels like. But 2 days ago I was in a cheerful mood and decided to do 1 month detox almost right after this one. But I think it's not a good idea. I've decided now that I will go slowly, tackling one problem at a time. Dealing with everything at once would be too overwhelming. I've never completed 90 day gaming detox, so I should focus on it first. If I'd succeed, then I'd deal with next problems. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I've made these mistakes before. Talking about gaming, no cravings at all. Completely uninterested. Since Overwatch 1 is gone, my desire to play left me too.
  20. Congrats on 90 days! Big number for sure. You got it mate! Wish you luck with your next goals.
  21. Day 10. Pretty lazy Saturday, I overslept and decided to tinker with my Nokia 3310 instead of studying today. Disassembling it and fixing minor mechanical issues was very easy, I've also cleaned it properly with alcohol. But they hard part is software. The phone has a code for factory reset, by last owner forgot it, so now I have to figure out how to flash a chip with clean firmware. It's doable, but requires some weird things like serial port and Windows 95. Might take me a while to do this thing. Other than that the phone is perfectly usable, I had to buy a new SIM card because my carrier doesn't support 2G frequency anymore lol, and now it works properly. Tomorrow I'll go outside for the first time without my smartphone. Looking forward to starting new, distraction free life. My detox is going well, but I have to admit that I miss listening to music a lot. So random songs sometimes start to circle in my head for some time. When I'm at home sometimes I sing, which is kinda weird, maybe I start to lose my mind. Other than that no huge cravings for something. Yeah, I wish I'd watch youtube while eating, but it's not an issue and just start thinking about random stuff while I eat. Tomorrow is the last day of this 7 day dopamine detox, so I'll try to summarize my experience.
  22. Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, you might be right, I'll try to do at least 2 hours every day and see how it goes. On one side it's a great way to build a routine, but on the other I don't want programming to feel like a chore. I genuinely enjoy working with computers, sometimes I find it hard to stop and go to sleep when I'm trying to setup some piece of software. But idk, will try what you suggest for now, I think that it's actually a nice idea.
  23. I'd suggest you reading Atomic Habits by James Clear. Many people here find it helpful, myself included. There are some very good suggestions regarding quitting something and making new habits stick. One of the main takeaways is to make very small (atomic) changes daily, that will benefit you in the long run. Like you don't have to change everything in one day, rather start small, but never skip. For example with your idea to spend more time outside. You don't have to spend 12 hours outside on day 1, instead you might start with a small 5 minute walk around your house, next day 10, then 15 etc. You might even add 5 minutes only once a week. Don't take my words too seriously though, I'm not an expert, I'd suggest reading a full book instead and deciding on your own how to approach stuff with hobbies.
  24. Yeah and I absolutely agreed with it, perhaps I've chosen a bad wording. What I meant is that I wanted to come to this state by my own efforts, but since Overwatch 1 is unplayable, I've been forced to do something else. Atomic Habits states something like 'make undesired behavior difficult', and I've been trying to do that with uninstalling Windows, selling my GPU, giving away my gaming monitor. But in the end all of these measures failed, I still relapsed, and now my undesired behavior became 'difficult' by 3rd party decision. Like someone in the US has pulled the switch to remove the game, and that has made me 'quit'. The outcome is great of course, but it feels like cheating. Can't deny it, but you know, it's hard to beat 7 years of binge gaming. But I'm trying to.
  25. Day 9. I am making some steady progress in Python programming, usually I do 1 chapter of a book a day, which converts into 4-5 hours of reading/writing code. So I've spent most of the day on programming, and went outside for a walk in the evening. I went to buy a new phone, and my route was through the places I've never been before. It was really nice do discover So yeah, I've decided to buy a new phone. This detox has opened my eyes on how much time I waste on mindless scrolling on my smartphone. So my new phone is used Nokia 3310. Yay! As a kinda tech nerd I always wanted to get my hands on it, and the time has finally come. Overall my detox is going well, 2 days left until 7 days. And I've decided to give myself a 2 day break to watch some YouTube videos I've missed like weekly news, and I'm gonna do another one, this time 1 month detox. But I'll allow myself to listen to music and watch movies (I always wanted to watch Quentin Tarantino's films).
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