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Reza
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Posts posted by Reza
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Day 51 and 52 :
- i didn't delete league of legends yet but i haven't played since then . i don't know why but i don't want to delete it although i am haven't played for 2 days .
- Day 51 was really really good . i did all of my tasks , went out couple of times and overall a calm day
- but today i have a huge massive argue with my mom and my sisters , i was literally shaking because how i talked loud , an argue really fucks my day i just gave myself a rest . it's 11 PM and we are still arguing over what happened in the morning . and it's not even my fault . they assume they can force me to do whatever they want but that shit just doesn't work
-i admit i got a bit distance from my goals although i am doing almost good . but it's impossible to get along with people in this house . i really feel lost here . i need something like a recovery or vent but there is nothing i can do . i guess this is one of the reasons i overused league of legends again that day .
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seems you had a calm day ! i am also learning cube , learned 3*3 and i am learning 4*4 now ! it's so much fun
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Day 49 and 50 :
- first of all , moderation is turning into addiction again . i found myself playing 5 hours and raging all day after idk how long . before it's getting to late i delete that game again . moderation does not work at all , at least for me
- i have several tasks to do at day : English - Norwegian - programming - reading . need to divide my time for each . so far i guess i am doing good . i do them all daily for a reasonable amount , but i got to remember i have a goal that takes more work than this
- because i have migraine i need to control my time using laptop and tablet since i have to spend a huge time for programming anyway
- my sleep routine is at an edge . i sleep around 2 and wake up around 9 . not perfect but totally better than my old routine ( 5am - 1 pm)
i guess that it for the last two days !
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From Saturday until today Thursday / Day 48 :
a summery of what i did in this 4 days :
- first of all most of my days now almost have the same routine so at maximum i can write 4-5 line in my journal . so sometimes i combine couple of days and write them all .
- i almost fixed my sleeping schedule .i still sleep kinda let ( around 2 pm) but i wake up at 6 or max 8 and i take 1-2 hour nap during the day . wake up early morning feels so good since i don't like nights i have more time in my hand and i can use it more efficient
- it's been a long time i want to study English in advanced level . i finally started it today and i am happy about it
- i make sure to spend a good amount of time on practice programming ( 1 hour educational video + couple of hours practice )and it's going so well so far . but i need to speed up it a little bit
- at this point i can say i have absolutely no interests in league of legends . it took me a while , from cold turkey then moderation and now , even tho i have it in my laptop i barely play it , maybe one game in 2 days . i am not sure if i have to quit it for ever .because the addiction is gone . do you think one normal game can causes addiction again? should i delete it completely ?
- i am noticing some changes in my own behavior witch i always wanted to make . i talk way less now and focus on my work more . when i made a decision i used to tell it to everyone . but now i just do my own thing in the silence 😄 .
- i started reading books again . once i started reading couple of months ago that really helped me so i started doing it again .
- and last one , i am starting learning new language too ( Norwegian) and i am excited . i love learning new languages
PS : when i look back at my journal it is ups and downs . it's nearly 2 months that i started my journal . beside my fails and gains i am happy to at least wrote it once in a while . at least writing it and being honest in my writings makes me want to do the right thing
Thanks for reading . peace!
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day 44 :
first update :
i woke up a bit late around 2 am . at the morning i woke at at 9 am . there were nothing to eat for breakfast so i started working right away . now it's 3 pm . i almost did nothing but working + chat with a friend at the same time .
second update :
my journal are always short because i don't do much in a day . just regular routine repeats everyday . pretty much i worked with my laptop all evening . nothing much .
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day 43 :
first update :
i had the perfect sleep schedule that i wanted . i slept at 12 night and woke up at 6:30 , ate a healthy breakfast and at 7 i started my work . i worked straight until 11 , at 11:20 i was exhausted , you know spending much time behind the lap top and righting constantly is exhausting , anyway i slept until no , 1:30 pm . i would probably wait to eat lunch and if not , then i again , same routine , lap top , vs code and video of courses . xD
second update :
i met an amazing person , we were speaking almost all day about literally everything . took me whole evening , but it was well worth it .
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day 42 :
first update :
last night i could not sleep at all . i was in bed trying to sleep until 3 am then i took a shower and worked on my java script for almost 2 hours . at 5 i slept but i set alarm because i didn't want to sleep until evening . so i woke at 9:30 it was really hard but i did it . then i went and bought something for breakfast and started working right away . its actually really hard . one thing happened that my parents actually tried to speak with me to convince me go to normal university . unlike last times that i lied to them to keep them pleased of me and avoid argue i actually insisted on my decision and i told them hey , that is my way and that's what i chose , you cannot force me to do thing i don't want to . they are not really happy about it but i am sure even they will be happy of the outcome . not it's 1:30 i am waiting to eat that delicious BBQ 😁 then rest a little bit , start reading my new book and start working again . somewhat between normal/good morning so far . no complain 😄
2nd update :
i ate lunch and relaxed for almost an hour . by that time i think it was 3 pm . so again i started working . later on i got a huge migraine and still have it . i slept at 5 until 7 . i really want to see a doctor but unfortunately i can't go out because of the pandemic . i just wait for it to gets better then start working again
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i was thinking and i came with a plan i try to write it down here . i compared what i want to be with what i am now and i got some results
1. fixing sleep schedule : since i should spend much time on programming i need to fix my sleep . i try to wake up earlier in order to be more tired at night to sleep sooner . i repeat this cycle until at a point that my sleep routine is fixed
2. learn continuously : since i am learning programming i need to be update and learn everyday . consistency is key . and it get 2x important now while everybody is disagree with my choice and this is basically what i am going to to in the rest of life so i must be expert in what i am learning
3. habit of reading books : book are treasure . i started to read couple of months ago but i stopped . books teach us many things . full of experiences . i make sure to spend a reasonable amount of time on reading books
4.improve mental health : i hate to admit it but i am a little weak mentally . i can easily lose my mind in situations , get frustrated . my mind sometimes gets busy on stupid stuff for hours . this also works with my will . if i work on this i also get a stronger will .
5.be independent : since i got an ultimatum from family i need to learn how to stand on own feet , considering i am 21 and i should've done it long time ago . but still its a thing i should learn . also i should move couple of months later when i landed a job i need to move . good thing is this one i started it couple of days ago . i am investing in stocks to make some more money out of it that can support me for couple of months when i move
6. develop my social skills : its been couple of years i got distance from public and social . when this pandemic got better or who knows maybe a cure found i want to join social groups and just be more in the crowd
it is going to be a long journey . i don't just think of end of it . i want to enjoy the process and the feeling of getting better every day !
peace !
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really well said @BooksandTrees !
and also by my opinion if you keep moving on the right path in your journal ( like you are now) things start to become better because you are doing better . also don't regret what you have done or haven't in the past , just focus on yourself getting better and better every day .
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Day 41 :
- it has been a few days i am trying to fix my sleeping schedule , i fixed a huge part of it but there is a problem. my family is Muslim but i am not ( they don't know) so every morning at 5 am i have to wake up and pretend to read salat ( Muslims pray) and then sleep . this makes me 10x tired i need to find a way for it . maybe sleep earlier to wake up at that time or prepare good healthy breakfast from the night before to eat after i wake up , i figure it out
- i woke up at 11 morning , pretty late since i should practice more for programming . after waking up i ate breakfast and started to working on laptop ( laptop is my sister's i borrowed it for a while) .there is a problem in windows called blue screen of death , if you don't know it's basically an error appears on a blue screen causes the system to restart to prevent data loss .
- after that i tired to fix it because this problem is bothering me for a while. i tried windows reset witch took a while , after system reset i guess problem solved but it took almost 2 hours .
- my dad told me that he needs the laptop ( my sister's laptop , witch i was using) for his work because it has larger screen and it's more comfortable for him to carry it with him. instead he gave me his laptop for myself . its a good laptop but it's strong and heavy laptop but i like it . at least i own a laptop now .
- anyway after that i installed every app i need and stuff , i guess it takes a while to get used to this new laptop . this laptop does what i need for me so it's all fine i guess .
- good news about myself : after trying to quit league of legends i still used to play once in a while , that turned into installing again , but i was using in a complete moderation (not more than 3 games in day) . but i quit that too and basically i don't have any games now .
- one of my goals is to create a good routine and develop good habits in me . i still don't have exact plan to what should i do first , second and etc i am trying to find a good way to force myself some habits but yet have some freedom in my schedule.
Peace !
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Day 39 and 40 :
Ok Finally i told the truth to my family witch turned into a massive argue witch i would say it was well worth it that they finally know what is in my mind and what is my choice . i mean i am 21 it's my right to decide what ever the fuck i want to do with my future , yes i understand they are my parents and they are worried but i can assure you i am not worried less about myself than they are for me . when we were eating lunch i told them that i don't want to go university and i want to start my career as a programmer soon and i have made huge progress and etc . they are traditional family and of course they won't accept it but i 100% believe in my way and i will make it work . beside that i started to do something for my future now i am on by myself now . i went and started investing in stocks , got new credit card etc . actually i am so excited that finally told what has been in my mind for days now , although i heard stuff like " you wont be able you find a job ever , you will be poor for rest of your life , now it's a day that we cut our hopes on you " but all it matters is me and my future in front of me .
i mentioned i got 10 goals for the rest of the year (8 months to the new year here) i work on each everyday , i am currently doing it but in regular and ordered way
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Congratulation! you are doing a great job ! well done !
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Day 38 and 39 :
i have pretty much the same routine everyday . i wake up around 10 i spend almost all my day learning and programming. although i am doing good but i need a solid plan to know what im gonna do untill end of the year( we have different calendar here ) . so my tasks/goals are :
1. learn programming at least to the point that i am employable
2.keep learning new programming languages / overall just keep making progress
3. learn English completely with all books and sources i have
4. get in shape ( first i should go to the doctor , my arm started hurting so bad plus i feel my left eye is weak )
5. good diet - healthy eating
6. improve my mentality
7. grow some good beard😂
8. be more regular .
9. working on my will
10. and the last one . keep writing my journal .
i try to figure it out how to arrange them to achieve one and every single one of them untill end of the year
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Day 37 :
Today i woke at at 10:00 . buying and preparing breakfast and eating it took me an hour. from 11 to 1:30 pm i worked programming a little bit plus little study my books . i rested for half on hour and i worked non stop from 2 pm to 6 pm . right away i grabbed my book at studied for 2 hours . after that i chilled for about 2 hours . then i worked one more half an hour untill now . a bit later TV series is going to start soon , i watch it and i'll probably going to sleep . i am exhausted to day . i worked alot.
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an update from day 21 to day 36 :
so i got a disease it slowly got worst and worst into the point that i literally wasn't able do anything . but during this time i came up with some new stuff and those will be my new goals .
it's been a while i got into programming stuff and i really loved it . i decided to study some major and study programming from self-teaching way. after i got into it i found out that actualy needs much more work to much more effort to put in ( already finished html css , and learning js now ) . in iran programming has a weird place among all the jobs . it has many many good and wellpaid job , yet lack of good programmers makes this one of the highest unemployed rates over the country (as far i know) , so basically it's a high skilled demand job and if you don't put work on it you can't land a job . i actualy have been doing so good in it . i at least tried to work an hour learning and practicing and i really love doing it . after long huge argues with my familly they agreed to help me with it and let me decide to future for myself . but i should study some major only for sake of the degree of it. i probably study economics or whatever only to go to tehran , beacuse obviously its capital and situation is way more better and easier to land a job there . also i met a professional programmer who owns a company . he is actually helping me during this process .
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Hey guys !
in my journal i mentioned i felt sick for couple of days . well it got so worst and it was so hard . i tested for covid-19 couple of times . it was literally one of the hardest sicknesses i had in my entire life . i quarantined my self for a week and waited for test result , thankfully it was negative . but i don't know what the fuck that was . it nearly killed me . still after 2-3 weeks my throat hurts and i can't sleep well at nights . but over all i feel way better . just wanted to say i dint leave my journal it was because of my sickness . i start writing my journal again , it is in day 36 now i guess and i work toward my goals again .
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Day 21 :
1.no gaming✔
2. no fap ✖
3. keeping positive atitude✔
4. good sleeping routine ✖
5. always do my prioruties ✖
Check in progress goals :
1. control my expenses ✔
2. Sugar ✖
how was my day :
i woke up at 6 while i was shaking . I felt exteremly sick i really could not get out of bed. So i slept till 10 . Unfortunetely i got sick , its probably a cold . My whole body hurts . And i have headache . I just rested today trying to get better . For the last couple of days i keep having bad luck ...
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Day 20 ( wow made it 20 ✌😆) :
no gaming✔ i lost like 80% of my intrests in games . I love it
2. no fap ✖ meh , i need it sometimes 😆
3. keeping positive atitude✔
4. good sleeping routine✔ i did a pretty good job here i slept at 3 but i woke up af 7
5. always do my prioruties ✔ and ✖
Check in progress goals :
1. control my expenses : i have no idea how my money just disaperard . Im gonna write them down
2. Sugar : ah thats a tough one
how was my day ?
Woke up at 7 although i slept pretty late . I started study right away . Morning i started my workouts really really light it was good . Evening i watched a movie then i went for help to carry new stuff . My wrists got fucked . Then studied a bit and now , as always chillin
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When i started writing my journal ( day 19 curently) i didnt have specific goal , i just wanted to get better and get out of the dakness . I had bad days and good days but overall this journal gave me and is giving me many things . So i actualy know what i want . I want to study nutrition science meamwhile learn programmming . And do my best start my career as a programmer . This is what i want to be . Also theres another goal of who i want to be . People used to tell me "the old guy" becayse of how simple i used to dress . But recently i got intrested in style and good suits i want to be handsome and buy lots of suits 🤣 luckily i have good body shape and above the average height . I want to overcome some of my problems like fear of public and start eat any kind of food ( i have bad food habits ) , i want to get in shape , although i have driving lisence but im bad at driving manual cars i want to be a good driver and ... .i want to expirieence .everything . Also one of the biggest is to become strong mentaly , i dont have a stable mood often , i meam it got so much better recently but its far from the ideal .
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Quick update : i have really bad eating habits . My mom usualy cooks seperate food for me , today she asked me what do u want for lunch i said you know what , i eat everything you eat today . Food made of onion witch i hate the most . I said fuck it and fulled each spoon with onion 🤣 that was so hard but made me happy . This shoud have been done long time ago . I slowly start eating everything i hate
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Day 19 :
this is embaresing me to tell i fucked up today again and its not even my fault. Only people with migraine know what pain ive been thru . Migrain headaches usually last between 4 - 72 hours . Mine just got better like 2 3 hours ago i had it since yesterday . I had a massive fukin argure with my mom and made my day even worst . I am a bit better now i try to study if i could . I had a really amazing routine i think i fucked it up
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Day 18 :
had a pretty fucked up night . Morning was crazy too . Having headache all day . Just didnt do much . Migraine headaches are the worst . I ll make it up tommorow
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some of you may know that i started writing my journal its day 18 and so far i think im doing really good . Lots of good changes , learning self control and etc . I know for sure i did them because i want my life to be better , i want to be better . But i dont know what do i really want to be and who i want to be . I feel like i am in a road that slpits to some dark roads but i only know the "posibility" of what this road ends , idk if u get what i mean . Part of me just want to get to the end of the road no matter witch way because its far better than where i am right now . Part of me wants to chose an specific way to reach . My mood is constantly changing . Again , so far im doing really good but my mind is frustrated . I write a sommery of the ways i see(might be ambitoius tho) :
road number 1 :after passing university entrace exam i study nutritios science meanwhile learn programming . After bschelors i apply to study aboard ( canada ) and move on with my life . Kinda embarresed to say it but one of my goals in life is to create a familly of my own , its too important to me . I want to first have a gf then take it to next lvl . Here its not posible to have a gr , date or move together before msrriage . Its s gamble .
road mumber 2 : study medical science , tooks 7 years here . Then i apply abroad and prossess i wrote above .
defference between road 1 and 2 is in road 1 it takes less and i love it more but being a doctor seems have a more stable job but takes more . Besides in road 1 i can learn programming witch i love too .
road number 3 : stay here . Study in medical school . And just move on here while im sure i will not be happy here .
i just want to find my passion and what i want to achieve . Because with how i study and act now i can set my goals for somewhere ik im going to get makes me feel comfortable
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reza's journal
in Daily Journals
Posted · Edited by Reza
day 53 - 58 :
- i am here after 5-6 days . i made some good progresses
- first , i got rid of league of legends again and i will not ever install this game again . moderation does not work for me at all so it's for the best if i just leave it for ever .
- i used multiple social media platforms i got rid of most of them and deleted and blocked people who had negative impact on me . and i only stayed in touch with one friend who actually motivates me to move on
- i made some bad and wrong decisions because i was angry , mad or sad . one day thought alot and chose another path for myself . i registered for private school and i am reading for state school , if i get in well that's great and if i don't i enter private so i guess it's kinda win win but i try my best for state .
- although i love programming but that does not work for me . i made a good progress but because of my migraine situation i can't spend that much time on laptop . my eyes got a little week and i had constant headaches .i am trying to make my way into state university and be more with books than laptop .