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Arthur

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Posts posted by Arthur

  1. Hope you liked the series, I had lectures and read books about the romantic period and Isaiah Berlin covers it in a really detailed and interesting way.

    I get your struggles with Girl A. I wish you good luck. But, what you said about your "seeming lack of options with women"... I think it is not true. First, you always have the option to be alone, which means you need to set your own standards for women even if it means being alone for a while. Second, I think a smart guy like you, if you work on yourself, will have a lot of options eventually. We men tend to mature only by late 20s, especially intelligent men. So, be patient and believe in yourself and your own worth. 

    • Like 2
  2. @Erik2.0 Thank you for everything. I agree my brain is reset when it comes to games. I am not pulled in into them when I accidentally encounter some gaming content. 

    I decided I'll start my second 90 days cycle. No, I haven't gamed in a meantime, I would just like to start fresh with my entry and day count. I like a blank slate, it lets me leave mistakes and past wins behind me and focus on the present. So, even though this will be my 92nd day clean of games, tomorrow will be my 1st day of the 2nd 90days period.

    Entry 0: Sketch of my plans for the 2nd quarter

    This new 3-month period will be exciting for me. First half of it will be a continuation of my efforts regarding my university, fitness and spirituality. I also decided I'll go for a month of nofap. Getting rid of porn and limiting my masturbation was beneficial for my motivation and energy levels. It's not placebo. Now I want to test pure nofap. Also, 3 days from now I'll be going to seaside for 10 days. My entries will likely become poetic and philosophical while I'm there lol, hope you have nothing against it. I'll be completely off of my laptop, internet and TV, except for writing my entries.

    Second half is still hard to predict. My mood, daily obligations and aspirations will depend on whether or not I manage to pass all the needed exams to finish my 4th year. But one thing is certain - in that period I'll focus on socialization, and go on dates. Hopefully, COVID situation won't stop me from that, because if that happens, honestly - I'll start to suffer from isolation, I've been living in a solitary way for a while now. But I'll deal with whatever is thrown my way, it is what it is. 

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful for all the new challenges that will allow me to prove myself. 

     

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  3. Entry 50 (days 88-90)

    90 days passed after I quit gaming. This was an incredibly beneficial life decision. I am afraid to think about where would have I been if I continued to game. 90 days is enough to disconnect from unhealthy habits and from gaming community. Hopefully I never come back to gaming, because gaming stilts my life progress, and it makes me a worse person in almost every way.

    I read a lot, I made progress in my university, found new hobby in cooking, helped my family in a lot of little practical ways, deepened my spirituality and understanding of God and finally managed to meditate daily. I've made some improvements in my character. Slowly maturing into a person I want to be one day.

    Last few days where pretty good. I've read, helped my grandparents with furniture, cooked 2 new dinners, also @Icandothis, I made pancakes - butter, sugar and lemon is exeptional. I think this will be my primary way I'll eat my pancakes ❤️ also, went with Leo to a cafe and discussed politics and philosophy in a really well structured way. All in all, 3 decent days.

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful 3 of my grandparents are still alive.

     

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  4. Gonna write an entry tomorrow morning. Just came here to express my mini disappointment in myself regarding sticking to my word. I started making promises to myself more liberally again, I don't take them serious enough. I said I'll write journal entries every day only a few days ago and I already broke it. I mean... its not a big deal... but its silly. 

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  5. I am glad you still stay clear from games, hope you stay clear of other destructive things as well. I totally agree with you about therapists. Not every therapists knows how to help, and also some people just don't jell well together. I understand your position, I was just wanting to push you into finding some type of help because you are obviously suffering really bad.

    I've read what you've written about God. I am deeply religious but I am not offended because I don't see your words coming from a place that wants to offend. You are expressing your genuine thoughts and feelings, and that is completely legitimate. Hinduism has it's own outlook on why we suffer which is more similar to Buddhism than to abrahamist religions, and we also believe that God is absolutely benevolent, omnipotent, omnipresent, source and sustainer of everything. If you want I can (either here or in private massages), tell you about it in detail.
    My only healthy "coping mechanisms" are meditation and prayer. They are so helpful that they do not even feel like coping mechanisms, I feel like they healed me a lot. All other ways I tried to fix myself or help me cope - be it company of others, alcohol, cigarettes, ego trip, art, women... all those things helped me forget one thing and usually created a new problem. I went from problem A to problem B to C do D back to A to E to B to C back to B...

    Anyways... I am sincerely glad to see you here again. This forum has a really positive community, stick with it! Sending you love.

    • Like 1
  6. On 7/23/2020 at 9:32 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

    how do mentally healthy people cope with despair? i am not mentally healthy, my mind immediately wants to run away, kill myself, use drugs, spend excessively, ANYTHING to escape. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

    Hey @GrainSiloEnthusiast, it's sad to see you suffer. I don't feel competent to answer your question. Are you talking with a professional about it? 

    • Like 1
  7. Hi @Dpesuti :) Don't apologize about the "short novel" :) It's important to speak your mind. Welcome to the community! I highly suggest you to start writing your daily journal here, it has helped me immensely (I'm 87 days totally free of gaming now)

    I just wanted to say - 90 days are a decent amount of time in which you are released from the grips of impulsive and frequent cravings. But many of people (even from this forum) started to play again years after they quit. You will always remember the enjoyable parts of gaming, so you will from time to time have to remind yourself of the decision you made. 

  8. @Icandothis I am glad to see you here! I might make pancakes in the next few days again, so I'll try your lemon topping. I always put butter, its really good :)
    @Erik2.0 Yeah, getting close to my 90th day free of video games. I am at that point where nostalgia starts being the biggest issue, where you start forgetting about the negatives and remember gaming only in its positive light - being fun, exploratory, thought and imagination provoking. Gladly, I'll always have other art for that, and there is a lot of things I always wanted to do but didn't because I was spending time gaming, for example - writing (I might talk a bit about writing later)
    @Ikar My social life isn't perfect, mostly because I am going through a period of personal transformation so I also question what people are beneficial to it and what aren't. I am also reconsidering my priorities when it comes to friendship, which you remember I already talked about - my decision not to hang out with Steven in any deep or regular way, for example. About the girls... There are multiple girls that have expressed pretty (or totally) direct sexual interest in me in the last year, so I know if I contacted them they would find time to hang out in my place. None of them interest me as potential girlfriends though, mostly because all of them live chaotic lives and are - surprise, surprise - kind of slutty. When I think about it, they have a lot in common with my ex, with whom I ended up having a good relationship, but I ended it, for reasons that would veeeery likely apply to those girls as well, so I am not going to repeat that mistake. I got "disciplined" with it because I was in a 5 year relationship. I was approached by women in that period (a lot, at least before I got depressed and secluded myself, but even in that period), mostly girls from my uni, so I had to learn how to say no to their advances. 

    Entry 49 (day 87) 

    I'll keep it short again. I read a decent amount again, I went to the library to get my uni material, sent an e-mail to a professor, he responded and it seeeeems as if he will accept my proposition? He gave me instructions on what to improve upon and said we will hear each other in September. 


    I rode my bike to the beautiful park I mentioned a while ago. I set at a secluded place by the little lake and meditated a short period surrounded by chillin ducks (around 8 of them were only couple of meters away, standing almost unflinchingly bellow a tree, some were slowly circling around the place). I reminded myself about the importance of finding beautiful things in this world to get a healthy motivation for my aspirations. Later, my brother asked my how I'm doing so I entered into a half an hour monologue about all the things that have been occupying my attention. This also helped me.

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful for those little ducks. They reminded me that my ex had a phobia of them (ducks specifically, yep, haha) and it made me laugh. I always found it extremely funny and cute, although I also was disappointed in myself that I didn't manage to help her surpass that fear.

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  9. @Erik2.0 I think it will go just fine :) Thanks for giving me a push

    Entry 48 (day 86): 

    I'm writing this entry only because I told myself I won't skip a day in the next 2 weeks. Yesterday was another positive step to getting completely back on track. I felt encouraged. The only negative feelings where elements of melancholy. I've read a lot, and I thought a lot.

    Now that I mentioned thinking, I should mention that I have been processing a looot of information lately. I've read around 18 books over the course of 40-ish days, as well as listened to a hours and hours of educational material, and the post-processing was very fruitful. I feel like I could write a serious book in a span of 3 weeks. But I have to focus on my official education first. Later today I'll be writing an essay for my uni. Hopefully my professor accepts it.

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful I know exactly what path I chose for myself. Finding motivation and right attitude to execute it is becoming more natural to me.

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  10. 19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

    I'm almost worried about having sex once or twice a week in the future relationship

    Don't be, I was regularly having sex more than twice a week with my ex and I never felt sedated as I do if I masturbate. We sometimes had sex 3 times in a span of 2 hours and it was always energizing. 

    19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

    "threat" or "treat"

    hahahha, omg. this one is even more obvious. thank you. It's treat, of course.

    19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

    on day 6-7. I think then it drops off again

    Around the 7th day we have a spike in male sexual hormones, and after it it drops of, that's the reason :)
     

    19 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

    Have you thought about just permanently doing nofap? It might be easier than two weeks on and off.

    To be honest, I am kind of scared of it. I think I would end up having "casual" sex if I went nofap. But I am considering it.

    Edit: You know what! I'll go a month of pure nofap. Let's see what results will it bring. 

    • Like 2
  11. @Ikar Respect for other person's time and schedule is important always, but especially with friends. Often times, sadly, people treat their close ones and family worse than they treat people they don't know. 
    @Erik2.0 When I was a kid I lost stuff all the time - umbrellas, keys, books, money, you name it! I hope you find your running belt at least 🙂

    Entry 47 (day 85):

    Short one. I fried calamari for the first time and it was more difficult than I expected. Later I made american pancakes again and it seems like I finally got good with it. Even managed to make a decent caramel as a topping for it. Other than cooking, I have read the kindle book (finished it today), rode my bike for short of an hour for my cardio workout, meditated (finally as dedicated as before), washed the dishes and hanged out with my brother a bit.

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful for air conditioning. 

    P.S. @Ikar, you might like this lecture series I am listening to. Also, check out that youtube channel, it's filled with top quality academic material on philosophy.

    Edit: I forgot to mention I masturbated a couple of times. I want to get back to my 2 weeks breaks from masturbation, so I'll make a serious vow later today. 

    • Like 3
  12. @Erik2.0 Reading is much more active. TV usually makes me sleepy and unfocused, while reading stimulates my thinking even when the material isn't directly intellectual.
    @BooksandTrees Yeah, I bet lots of people struggle with similar moments in life. The good thing for me is that I get tired of binge watching pretty quickly. I can maybe sustain that lifestyle for a week before every part of me wants to quit. On the other hand, I could spend a month of playing computer games all day before I start considering should I quit. 

    Entry 46 (day 84): back on track

    Good day. I have cleaned a lot, I have read a decent amount and my mental fog is gone. i went to my mother for dinner, she showed me how to make pizza (simple Italian dressings - olive oil, tomato sauce, mozzarella, oregano and fresh basil leafs). I bought a (kindle) book on amazon that I wanted to read for a while, so I am excited to read through it today.

    In the evening, I should have went to a bar with a friend (Veronika's best friend), but she cancelled on me again. I am not sure why is she doing it so often... She is almost always first to contact me, asks me to hang out and then postpones it a couple of times before we actually meet. Weird pattern of behaviour, especially considering that it only started happening in 2020.. I am a type of a person that "never" cancels appointments and dates, unless something totally urgent comes up. So I feel disrespected when someone does it to me to a point it becomes a pattern. I think I will be vocal about it. 27 years of my life were enough to prove to me without any doubt that people will find time for you if they want to find time for you*, the only exception being - if they are in depression or some other difficult struggle, but this is not the case with her.

    * Believe me when i say this. Some younger people might think otherwise - but please believe, (its common sense): If someone is cancelling on you often, you are obviously pretty damn low on their (social) priority list, no matter if they say that "you are really important to them" in any way. It is said that "actions speak louder than words", well I totally agree... I think that words without actions only serve to muddle the situation.

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful for my room. I feel completely myself when I am in it.

    • Like 3
  13. @Erik2.0 Yes. Russel did a fantastic job. As did J. Pheonix. I love the movie. I would give it a 10 out of 10 if the story was just slightly more complex and that chemistry between Maximus and Lucilla was stronger. But still, fantastic! I love movies that uplift your spirits and teach good values, and Maximus is a great role model.

    Entry 45 (79-83): A lot of time wasted. Laziness got the best of me. Typical for my summer.

    What I was doing: Last 5 days blend into each other. I cannot easily differentiate between them because they were uneventful.

    1. I maintained the house 
    2. I cooked and baked a bit
    3. I worked out a bit
    4. Read for uni a bit
    5. I meditated (not that diligently)
    6. I binge watched a season of Masterchef and 2 seasons of a TV series

    As you might imagine, 6. took most of my waking time. I think I spent around 8 hours a day watching TV. Masterchef interests me because it fuels my love of cooking, and the TV series I got into was captivating enough that I decided I will binge watch it just so I can "be done with it asap" and not think about it. I'm done with both of them so now I have an opportunity to funnel my energy back into those constructive and necessary things that need to be done.

    How I felt: Because of my bingewatch I experienced mild anxiety again. Also, sitting in your couch for that amount of time will certainly make you slothful and low energy. I experienced a lot of mental fog in the afternoons as well. All in all, not great. 

    What I'll do about it: I decided yesterday that I will be back to my pre-summer schedule. I took a vow to begin every morning in my next 2 weeks with meditation and writing a journal entry. I'm also putting my study for exams back into focus. I feel really optimistic about it because I sense my will is strong and the last period is obviously an inferior way of life, both in terms of my values, my reason, as well as my feelings, life satisfaction, et cetera. Basically, nothing in me except laziness and lethargy wants to continue with this bad trend I got myself on. After I finish with this entry, I am going to organize the rest of the day. 

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful for this forum. Writing a diary proved really useful.

    @Ikar when i saw you liked my post, I checked and fixed one "where into were", hahahhah

    • Like 3
  14. @Ikar I wouldn't say me and my ex have "a relationship". Last time we had a proper conversation was over a year ago. But the way I broke up with her was such that I think neither side should ultimately have any sort of bad blood after 2 years, and I think we don't. We haven't talked in a long time because I sensed she was still trying to win me over and I didn't want to feed her hopes. I think I'll ask her for a cup of coffee in the next few months, I want to catch up with her and hear how she's been doing. The only negative thing I might expect was that she will trash talk Veronika, they dislike each other a lot because of me. 

    In the next 10 years, i will have ample opportunity to find a wife. Even now I can think of a couple of girls that, if I pursued them, we might have ended up in a serious and healthy relationship that I would want to elevate to marriage. If I end up not marrying, it will be because I always prioritized something else, always pushing it into the future and thinking something else needs to be done first. At the moment, I am in the process of becoming a man I want to be. Before I get situated, I will be a bit reluctant to find a girl. I first want to find my freedom and then let someone enter my world, not try to find freedom in another's world (as was happening with me and Scarlet, as well as 8 months ago with me and one TV journalist girl I haven't even mentioned until now). 

    Entry 44 (day 78) - short summary of the past week

    I got comfortable in the last 7 days. I wanted to be more productive than I ended up being. I haven't been working out almost at all, and I wasn't pushing myself half as hard as I would want to in getting my university stuff done, and I didn't research Judo/Jujitsu places. This week I'll try to do things a bit differently. I'll focus on one day at the time.

    The only thing I can be proud of in the last week is that I cooked some new food, spent some time researching new ingredients and stuff like that. But even that had a bad consequence - I think I ended up gaining at least 1 if not 2 kg back. But I think I know exactly what I need to do to reverse this trend, so wish me luck.


    Daily gratitude: I am grateful for yesterdays lasting peace after my meditation. 

    • Like 2
  15. 1 hour ago, Ikar said:

    I met with my friend from the "business idea mk 2" and I am still sort of dumbfounded by his attitude. He's the same age, makes good money/is involved in an interesting business and his vision of what he wants to accomplish in life seems crystal clear compared to mine.

    I think this is actually caused by the fact I was never taught to dream (and plan) in a constructive manner, to the level where I got emotionally attached to the goal that I defined for myself and would do whatever it took to accomplish it.

    All I was taught was to grind and grind, which I think I perfected to some extent, even though nobody cared enough (not even myself) to point me towards the "right things" and that would produce opportunities that I would like to take in my puberty/early adolescence. I'm aware of this now, though it's a long way to go.

    Regarding this friend you met - I am quite sure he didn't spend a lot of time thinking theoretically/philosophically about the world, which you are doing a lot lately. However important that is, theoretical thinking also separates us from our private life, because we occupy our mind with issues that relate to impersonal or all-encompassing phenomena. 

    Also, it is difficult to plan out your life while you are philosophically questioning. Because you are often questioning value structures, you are questioning what is worth pursing in life. Some people need longer than others to settle. And that's totally fine. 

    Besides... you are still really young. A lot of people are apprentices until their mid 30s and only then start their own business, nothing wrong with that at all.

    • Like 2
  16. Entry 43 (days 76-77):

    I spent most of the time being in my head, considering where I am going. Trying to outline the way i want to live my life. I kept my house in order, and I felt relatively good. First day I went to my mother for dinner, and we talked a bit. I also invited her to the house, she need to take some of the old clothes she left here 5 years ago, so that's gonna be an another opportunity for us to spend some time together. I have been neglecting my relationship with her for a while, so this is important.

    I watched The Gladiator. Movie was beautiful, 9.5/10 in my book. I personally think we are going to witness some very difficult times in the decades to come, so movies like that resonate with me.

    Yesterday was also birthday of my ex. I wished her happy birthday and a fortunate year, and she replied with a restrained "thank you :)" It seems like she has a steady boyfriend for a while now, but she is never loud about such things on social media so I am not 100% sure. I hope she is happy. I sometimes feel like I am not meant to get married and have a family, even though I really want to. But I guess speculations about such things are meaningless. Life will happen one way or the other. 

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful for all beautiful things in the world.

    • Like 2
  17. @Erik2.0 Tao Te Ching is filled with such quotes. It is a really wise ancient book. I like to sleep without dreams as well, but I feel like I need my dreams at least once a week, because without dreams I feel more disconnected emotionally. Maybe I write in too much significance to them, but it just the way I always was.

    Entry 43 (day 75):

    One of those "not too much to say" days. It was average and relatively non-eventful. I cooked again, made pasta with 5 different cheeses. In the evening my sister, my brother and I went to a bar to hang around a bit. I ordered green tea, lol, couldn't make myself drink beer with them. They talked a lot about our parents and their flaws, I also commented when I felt they are misrepresenting them, but at one point I noticed I don't want to be a guy that seeks faults in others anymore, and I asked them to switch topics. Both my sister and my brother are doing better then they were a couple of years back, so I am really happy for that.

    I am beginning to really feel like hanging around and just "relaxing" with people in bars is overrated. I mean, I can only speak for myself, but I personally prefer reading or meditating at the moment. I guess my focus on inner transformation made me temporarily lose interest in others and their problems. Motto "be the change you want to see in the world" really makes you want to shut up for a couple of years until you become the best version of yourself and only then consider helping out others. 

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful that I seem to have found my patience. This patience about my life allows me to be more present and tackle problems one day at the time. Day has only 24 hours, some things need continuous effort. I am starting to "relax into" this obvious truth. 

    • Like 1
  18. Quick update:
    Today is the first day I broke my 2 week nofap resolution/vow. I masturbated a couple of times. I guess I was playing with fire when I started considering this restraint "easy". Oh well, I ain't going to look at this like it's the end of the world, but I need to compose myself and be back on my track. I just reminded myself of a this quote from Tao Te Ching:

    "One who makes promises lightly must deserve little trust
    One who sees many easy tasks must encounter much difficulty
    Therefore, sages regard things as difficult
    So they never encounter difficulties all through life"

    • Like 1
  19. @Erik2.0 Bad mood, check, physically exhausted, check, not cleaning or cooking, check! I love your black hole metaphor, I think I was the same. About dreams... yeah, we dream for variety of different reasons. But being a person that remembers most of his dreams, they mostly (in my case) stem out of my own emotional judgments, fears and hopes I have about myself, people I care about, et cetera. Particular "theme" of my dream is often highly influenced by what I am doing recently (for example, when I played WoW I dreamed of being a paladin in real life), but the psychological content of the dream is usually connected with some deeper connection I have with others or myself (in particular, that dream about being a paladin was about my connection with my brother)

    Entry 42 (day 74)

    One of those "perfect" days again. I have:

    1. washed the dishes
    2. written my journal while drinking coffee (I'm doing the same right now)
    3. did laundry
    4. read for 3-4 hours a book about political philosophy my colleges are publishing soon, they asked me to critique/review it, I am making detailed notes*
    5. meditated (in early afternoon, but I'm fine with it)
    6. went grocery shopping, ended up buying a lot of unique cheeses
    7. prepared dinner for me and my brother (first time I tasted portobello mushrooms as a side dish, they are amazing sauteed in garlic and butter)
    8. after dinner hanged around with him for an hour, we listened to some music
    9. read Kant for around 3 hours
    10. went to bed

    I had very little "downtime", except after dinner. This is a sort of day that I imagined I should be able to have for years. But I couldn't because I would always be drained of my energy and attention with some useless youtube content, video games, porn and wasteful hanging around with people, drinking beer and arguing. 

    * Their book is putting my in an awkward position. They contacted me because they respect me, and I respect them, but the book is quite flawed. I don't want to end up harshly critiquing their book without having also some quite positive things to say. I think I'll skip talking about some certain issues. Their methodology is eclectic, I fear in quite the bad sense of the word, and their historical framing of certain philosophies is simplistic and anachronistic, especially Machiavelli's, whom they read through modernist goggles even though he is a renaissance figure (and I sense they will not do justice to Hegel). When I think about it, I think their mentor is likely to blame (he recently wrote a book about Machiavelli, maybe I should read it) - its our university professor whom I respect, yet I think his reading of certain thinkers is highly limited (this became evident when I attended his Nietzsche lectures). So, if I critique some aspects, I could likely end up arguing with the professor, and I want to avoid such things until I am writing my doctoral paper.

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful of my motivation to make these sort of days my norm. Hopefully this summer will be filled with them.

    • Like 2
  20. 1 minute ago, Ikar said:

    That's quite the battery of instant gratification stimuli. It's good to have such a day from time to time to remind ourselves what we left behind, compare it to days we have now and be grateful for both of those periods.

    It made me appreciate my new ways of spending time and energy, for sure. Satisfaction from a job well done trumps any type of sensory satisfaction.

    • Like 2
  21. @mks I progressed a lot. Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back. I am happy with the pace.
    @Erik2.0 I'm a reasonably well-natured guy. So my dabbling in negativity and darkness mostly just drained myself. I cannot say I did any serious direct harm to anybody else but myself. Although, of course, my close ones suffered because I had suffered. My ex girlfriend had to deal with my depression and my weakness, which surely hurt her a lot.

    Entry 41 (days 72-73) 

    Not much to say about day 72. It was a good day, except I didn't study for 3 hours. I have contacted some of my friends and colleges and this weekend I'm going to hang out with one of them.

    Yesterday was... interesting? I would say that I dabbled with all of the draining things I've left behind two months ago, and by the end of it I was back on the right track.

    1. I woke up from a disgusting sexual dream.* 
    2. I meditated for an hour
    3. I felt a bit lazy and I started mindlessly watching youtube
    4. I got really horny while watching a hot yoga girl (I mean, this woman is incredibly sexy and seductive if you ask me) and masturbated (without orgasm) for at least 20 minutes.
    5. I helped my father and grandma to pack. They went for a vacation.
    6. After they left, I realized I am going to have this whole house for myself (I don't count my brother as a interference in any way). Almost instantly I thought of a couple of girls that I could bring home in the next 2 weeks for sex. Hopefully I don't end up calling one of them over.**
    7. Later my brother came and connected his PC with our big (new) TV set. He wants to play Tekken 7 and Dark Souls with his buddies
    8. We ended up spending 2 hours troubleshooting, trying to fix the refresh rate of the TV from 29 hz to 60 hz as it should be.
    9. After we fixed it I spend about half an hour watching him play Tekken 7
    10. Then we watched a few gaming-related videos. He showed me something from The Last of us 2, I showed him something from the Hollow Knight 
    11. Then we started talking about the coronavirus and we watched a few videos about it
    12. I went to my room, and for some reason i wanted to see what type of new pop music there is. Dua lipa, ariana grande, and some rappers.
    13. I got repulsed by the music (or, more precisely, by lyrics and videos). Almost all of it is about intoxication, "losing your mind", sex and superficial ego.
    14. I got repulsed by the way I spent my day. decided I indulged more than enough in this unhealthy world.
    15. So I read some holy texts and went to sleep with a peace of mind.

    * I decided I'll skip talking about it extensively as I do with some other dreams. But in short:

    Spoiler

    It was an orgy with a couple of girls from my uni, it ended when I noticed a girl I was fucking was leaking some sort of sickly, stinky fluid from her vagina. Disgusting

    ** You may ask me why would that be a problem? Well, I am actually seriously repulsed by casual sex (which is evident even by the above-mentioned dream). And the girls that would come to my place aren't the type of girls I would actually want to develop a relationship with. I would maaybe tolerate casual sex with girls that I know for certain are exclusively having sex with me, but even that would eventually repulse me because of the lack of emotional connection and long lasting goal. 

    Anyways, to wrap the whole story up. Yesterday was the day I got reminded of what I left behind. Indulgence, laziness, mindless fun, negativity and superficiality. Good things to leave behind.

    Daily gratitude: I am grateful I have a large family.

    P.S. I stumbled upon a video that summarizes hindu approach to controlling your mind. Incremental progress, acceptance, positivity, humility, patience. How this teacher said - "being a friend to your mind." Maybe you will find it instructional.

    • Like 2
  22. On 5/28/2020 at 8:39 PM, Fagus said:

    Maybe gaming the way I intend to, is not possible for you, because you would be sucked in again by the competitive element. On the other hand, this competitive attitude could be used to pull you into some activity in the real world.

    I like the goal of enabling yourself to feel proud and enjoy your life. Feeling pride in what one does is an important aspect of a fulfilled life. I think I will adopt this goal for my own journey. It is not about forcing things but enabling them to come when they are due.

    I was like this. Every time I started playing something, thinking I'll dabble a bit in it casually, I would start tryharding a few days in, obsessively learning about the game, theorycrafting all the time.

    2  years ago I decided I'll play a casual game of HOMM3... I learned theoretically "all" there is to learn about heroes of might and magic 3 in a span of the next 3 weeks. I ended up memorizing every unit, spellbook, mana cost, damage and resistances formulas, map layouts, different buildings and randomness behind spawn size, formula for awards, et cetera. I won against hardest AI, played around with various builds, and even started playing casual matches online. Those 3 weeks I even ended up smoking a lot less because I was so preoccupied with the game that I didn't want to pause it for a smoke break.

    When I think about it, I notice that I loved to lose myself in a game because the sense of accomplishment and mastery is easily obtained in a relatively short time and indisputable. While, for example, studying in my field (philosophy) requires much more time, and often it is not even clear that you are progressing in any way. But, unlike games, it actually relates to real life and is a worthwhile lifelong goal for me, while games are just a distraction. I am so glad I quit gaming!

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