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NEW PODCAST: Dealing with Gaming Nostalgia


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About mikesh

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  1. mikesh

    mikesh diary

    Day 17 From time to time there are thoughts about playing computer/video games again. I can handle it pretty good. I read a lot, made some puzzles which helped me to sort my thoughts and I'm able to think more in terms of "what can I give and what can I share" rather than "what can a game give me". I recognize a shift in my consuming behaviour. It is all slower and more peacfull. I'm doing some jogging and body exercises at home which helps me to get rid of some thoughts which always cause tension. Overall I feel that I'm doing pretty good. It helps me to tell me that it is normal that I sometimes think about playing again. My therapy also supports me a lot. I learned that it is ok that life sometimes doesn't feel like fun and pleasure. I can't just game all of these experiences away. I'm practicing to express what I feel. Even if it is a feeling that I think it isn't ok to be here. Seems that everything is ok how it is.
  2. mikesh

    mikesh diary

    18.3.2020 I´m feeling good right now. The weather is good and my feelings and emotions are also calm again. I had a lot of troubles over the weekend, it was confusing. I switched worlds in my head and sometimes didn´t know whats going on. I guess these were just emotions. I felt a lot of anger and had some fantasies to hurt people which blamed and hurt me in the past but I also felt that it is just a feeling and that I don´t want to do it. Maybe it´s just a reaction in my brain. As in other countries, we are facing some restrictions due to the pandemic. Sometimes there is the thought, now it doesn´t matter if I play. I mean, I can play as much is I want now. Our government just wrote yesterday, that we should stay at home. And if we want to meet with other people we could play games or meet online, we just have to stay at home if we don´t have to work or have to buy food. But then I thought, that this won´t be temporary. It won´t last a year or not even half a year I guess. And I won´t start playing games just because of that situation. I want to quit now. I´m not sure if this also counts as gaming: But I´m studying and playing chess again. But it´s like 30 minutes a day. I like the thinking and strategies behind of the game. I see the following thoughts showing up. - it´s ok when you play games. You will die anyway. Better do something that makes you happy. Live in the moment. It doesn´t matter. - gaming is just a hobby. It´s ok to have a hobby. You can play if you want. - there are also games that help you develop. You can play games in order to stay sharp and to learn something. and so on. But I had the exact same thoughts and feelings the last 10 times I tried to quit. Until now it was always the same mechanism. The thoughts were so convincing that I started to play again after some time. What I´m trying to do now is the following: I know that these thoughts will come. I know that I can´t control if they come or not. And I also know that I´m not completely free of the thoughts. And because of that I will be able to resist. I can resist. I´m not free of them and the longer I ignore it and I try to do something different the more pressure there is within me. So that means that these thoughts are pressuring me and they actually don´t give me freedom, they take it away. And they are always coming. They stop when I play again, but then I´m feeling shitty. But I recognised that several times and always started playing again. Lets just try to handle the pressure for 30minutes. When the pressure comes I will resist 30minutes. If I could resist, I will resist another 30minutes. When I do this the whole day, then I succeed a lot. I will see it as a challenge. And I imagine that it is hard for everyone and I know that some of you already did it. So it is possible. 30min per 30min.
  3. Thank you very much for your kind reply and your prayers. I started to climb and playing / study some chess again. I also switched back to learn more programming languages which supports me a lot. "But when we turn off the video game, our lives are still crappy, and all we have done is waste copious hours living in a virtual world and achieving tasks in the game which are meaningless." Sometimes I immediately turned on video games because of that. Sometimes it is hard to see reality and there were times I just played more so I could forget about it. "It is the most deceptive type of hobby because it makes you feel like you're gaining something, but you really are not." I sometimes had that feeling. Then I thougt that life is maybe just about developing and going on. And sometimes I thought that in some games I also develop and that it doesn´t matter if I do it ingame or not. But when I do it ingame I lose connection to the "real" world so I guess it does matter a lot. Thank you very much and all the best for you!
  4. Thank you very much for your words. It helped me a lot. Sometimes I struggle to take it step by step. I see that what you write here is totally true. All the best for you!
  5. mikesh

    mikesh diary

    Thank you very much. Yes I´m ready to add another chapter. All the best for you, keep it up!
  6. 14.3.2020 Worksheet 1: I play games because they give me control over the situation. While playing I’m not insecure and I don´t have to feel the other feelings. I want to quit playing games because I want to learn some healthier strategies how to cope with stress and my feelings. Worksheet 2: Right now I’m feeling insecure, angry, sad, hopeless and scared of what will come. I wrote some lines about my gaming history here. I´m feeling bad about that and that it´s not okey what I wrote there. I´m feeling guilty and insecure but I guess this is ok. I handled my alcohol problems. I handled my weed problems. I handled my cocaine problems. So I will also be able to handle my gaming problems and find new strategies. At the moment I sometimes watch streams or watch some youtube videos because I´m not gaming anymore. But now I will cook something and working on another module. I do this for myself. I only have one opportunity. This can be the first day of the rest of my life. I can´t decide what happens to me or what happens around me. I can´t decide and control the experiences in my life. But I will give the best in controlling the aspects of my life that I can control. And I´m doing my best in learning how to cope with life experiences that are hard to experience.
  7. Hey there My name is Michael and I´m 30 years old and I´m from Switzerland. My gaming experience started with the first gameboy. Back then I played a lot of Pokemon. Then Nintendo 64 which I played also a lot, then there was the first XBOX (Fable), then Playstation 3 (Black Ops 2), then PC (Gothic 1-3 + World of Warcraft + Battlefield), then XBOX One (Assassins Creed -> most dangerous game for me) and then again on a PC (Wow). I experienced some huge personal losses throughout my life. I played ice hockey from 2 years old until 19 years old where I had my 9th brain concussion and had to quit my career. The problem was, that ice hockey was my life. I commited everything to it. I was able to study in a sports school where the focus was to play as much ice hockey as I could. I loved the skills pratices early in the morning, the team practices in the evening, the time with my teammates, the traveling to the games, the games against other players, the competition and simply everything about the sport. But that all ended when I got hit from behind and almost destroyed my head and back in the boards. Rehabilitation was hard and tough but I still believed I could do it. Back then the "return to play protocols" weren´t that strict. I lied to the doctors, teammates and my family so they allowed me to play. I swallowed a lot of tablets and didn´t say anything. It happened the worst. 4 months after the accident and in fact still in rehabilitation I played again. I got an elbow hit to the head 2 minutes before the game ended and had another concussion. That was the end of my career. I went to some neurologists and sports doctors and they just told my that I was lucky that I´m still alive and that I must rest now. I just couldn´t handle the situation. I was totally shocked, as everyone was in my family. We didn´t speak about it and I isolated myself while playing World of Warcraft. The first thing I felt after two months (I didn´t go to therapy and did nothing, I was in a huge shock and just couldn´t handle it) was a lot of aggression. One evening I somehow realised the situation and collapsed. When I woke up again I was empty and angry and I thought my life is over. I grabbed my stuff and walked to the rails near a river. I waited for the train to end my life. It was my luck that the train didn´t immediately drove through that location. So I had like 10 to 15 minutes where my emotions could come out. I cried and collapsed again and then I felt a lot of fear about what I wanted to do. So I headed back home and the next day I started to work on the situation. In the next ten years I had a lot of trouble. It happened when I was 19 but I still sometimes have a lot of troubles, bad dreams and problems with my brain (concentration, fatigue, reaction time etc). I tried a lot of stuff and used alcohol, weed, cocaine, pornography and beside that massive gaming. World of Warcraft was my other world. A world where I had control, I world where I could compete and where I was healthy (well, if I didn´t have to travel back to my corpse). I guess the most important thing for me was and still is, that I have some control over the situation. And gaming helped me a lot with that. I´m in therapy since three years now. I had another concussion when I was 28 years old and since then my life somehow fell apart. I know that gaming fullfills my need of control but I also know that I want to quit and don´t like it. I don´t drink, don´t smoke and don´t do other drugs but I still need a lot of gaming to cope with my feelings. I tried to quit several times but then I always feel insecure, lonely and that I can´t handle my life. Gaming gives me some orientation and control. But beside that it also makes me angry and my frustration level raises. I can´t sleep long and I don´t feel rested because I always think about my other life, my gaming life. But I think that I can handle it somehow. I mean, I´m still here and there are a lot of people around me which give me a lot of love. Most of the time I just can´t feel it and I can´t express my feelings. Then I think about ending my life because of the guilt feelings and that I can´t live normal because of my physical borders in the brain. Sometimes I whish that I have to cope with a wheelchair or with no arms rather than brain injury and depression. These suicide thoughts and the level of insecurity is just absurd to handle. But I know that gaming definitely isn´t a help in coping with my feelings and symptoms. If that all sounds like dark and heavy then it could be because I´m feeling shitty right now. I still sometimes can´t accept the symptoms. I know I have to but this shit is fucking crazy. Therapy helps me and supports me a lot. But it won´t heal my symptoms I guess. I´m just trying to cope with it and that´s what I learn in therapy. I´m practicing how to cope with depression and how to cope with my symptoms because of the accidents. And I didn´t find a good strategy which can replace the gaming so far but I hope I will find some throughout the course. The stories of you all helped me a lot that, you also have to cope with cravings and bad situations and strong feelings. It´s all about strategies we use how to handle our needs and I´m ready to learn other strategies than gaming to fulfill my needs. Looking forward to it. Thanks for all of your information and the ability to join this community.
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