Alexanderle

I came to a positive realization again. Despite my recent failures, everything is fine. It is the same with learning a language: It makes sense that I am a fool at first and that I am failing in regard to social activities. So I just have to keep going and to make baby steps. Now the question that arises, is: How can I make baby steps towards my fear of sitting alone in a lecture? The first real thing is just continue to go there. This is the first big difference in comparison to basically my entire past. So that is fine to do. I also found the Mindshift App designed to tackle anxiety. Will maybe give that a try. I will also continue to sit more in the front of classes to actually pay attention and get shit done. Right now I am not only on track regarding my lecture, but actually in front of time and most of my peers. So that is alright. Once again, I will also try to focus on other people during the lecture to get out of my own head. Those are some starting points I would say. The rest I figure out later. Today I also started to work on my bachelor thesis. Right now it is about sorting out my materials and really understand, what is going on. Maybe tomorrow I find some time to start writing a bit of structure for the introduction etc. So overall, I am quite fine right now and focused. It is not perfect, but it is enough to keep me going. 🙂

I can totally relate to you. Even yesterday, I also was quite down, I wrote about it in my journal. But despite that, I will not give up. This is a process, a long way, and you should continue to follow this path. Don't give up! Here is the thing that could help you. You are afraid of outside. Afraid of the things, which are out there. They are outside of your comfort zone. I can relate to that. It is the same situation for me. But what I am doing is this. I don't just crash my comfort zone and reach the point, where it becomes scary. Those advices like: Go in a bar and approach ten strangers... They are bullshit. You should not do anything that is outside of your comfort zone. At least not, where things are scary. People think that it is like this. But that is not correct. Instead, there are several layers surrounding your comfort zone. You should not tackle those layers, which are basically trivial, like ordering a croissant instead of a baguette at the backery, nether should you go out and ask ten strangers for their telephone number. You should focus on this area in between, where things are exciting. Something you are juuuust capable to do. For me right now is to go to fitness classes on a regular basis. This is already a win, since I am outside. Basically, just leaving your appartment and having the goal of trying to smile here and then. Or trying to add one additional sentence to your usual routine. Whatever it is, how small it might me. Try to do it until it is not out of your comfort zone anymore. Now you can build upon that. Layer by layer. Overall, there is only one thing that you should be afraid of: Being in the same situation, where you are now in one year. Slowly expand your comfort zone. Just like I am trying. It is possible. I am a true beliver of that. 🙂 And I believe in you!

Hey, you really know, how to write. Great stuff. But let me tell you very shortly some things, that I already said several times in this forum to reduce the pressure a bit, which you are creating for yourself. Like @BooksandTrees already said it is ok to relapse. Actually, I encourage you to don't focus too much on your results and numbers, like the amount of days without gaming or streaks. I don't want to say that this is nothing of tremendous worth, but I encourage you to instead focus on the process itself. Like in Germany, we say that the way is the goal. What happens during this journey, matters way more. 10 days without gaming is great, if you relapse on day 11 (only hypothetically), so what? Just start again at day 12. Those streaks are quite amazing and a great measure for success, but they are not, what you should focus on. 30 days of not gaming is a success. 20 or 10, even 2 days of not gaming is a success. Just registering in this forum at starting at day 1 is an unbelievable success. Because every single time, you don't game, it is like looking outside of your comfort zone. You don't need to make a huge jump; just one step after another. Slowly expand your comfort zone to reach your new life. There is another reason, why the process is so important: You will become a different person during process. Your ultimate goal is not to avoid playing for 90 days, but to become a "non gamer". The 90 day detox is just a tool to measure your success on the way and to have something for yourself to encourage your even more that you are not a gamer anymore. Instead, you can now focus on what you actually want to become. How do you wan't your life to look in a year? What excites you? What gives you a good feeling? And like b+t said, removing triggers and replacing them is a good idea. Just don't become like a sugar addict, who now on a daily basis will tell himself ("I shall not eat sugar, I shall not eat sugar...). That is unlikely to work. Take care man. We can't wait to read your story!

@Amphibian220 I have like 3 to 5 really close friends, but most of them live a bit more far away. I am really close with one of them (only as friends) and she often offered me that I can always share anything, I want with her. I have this feeling though that I will embarrass myself and come of as weak. But I gues, this is a really good advice. Thank you!

For me, it was the other way around. I did certain things like changing my diet, engaging in productive routines, beating procrastination etc. Some stuff has happened almost a year before I even considered to quit gaming. Eventually quitting it was like the tip of the iceberg to become even better. I think, the motivation I gained from my successes from other areas help me to stay away from games. I just think that all of this is a lot more meaningful and gaming is no option any longer. I wasted enough time. This is enough reward for me to engage in other activities.

It has been a couple of days since my last post. And a lot of things have happened: First of all, I am quite productive and work very hard for university. This is absolutely going better than ever. My motivation is off the charts. I am unstoppable. I also finished this kind of one night stand relation with the woman, I had a date with. It is really better that way, since I don't want a relationship and this kind of state is really not my thing. So that is fine. I am using Tinder quite active again and are now writing with a woman, who is slightly taller than me. I don't like this that much, besides that, she seems very nice. I am also doing quite a lot of sports right now. I am getting stronger and stronger. However, the list of negative things is quite big right now. My diet is a little bit shaky. I am eating a lot of honey lately and I adore Yoghurt with Bananas and honey like crazy. I guess, it will pass eventually, but I have to take care of myself. I want to get back to my better habits. But I just let it happen for now. The by far biggest problem is my social life. I have lectures again with those students, who are studying the same thing like me. We all used to have a couple of different modules the last year, so I haven't seen many people in quite a while. The biggest problem is that I am not talking to any of them. I am avoiding them, I am not looking at them. I am sitting all by myself during the lecture. It kills me. There is something inside of me that makes it very hard for myself to just go to some people, I actually know and to just start talking. This is one of my most feared scenarios. I see all those people, meeting and hugging their friends after some time, just having fun etc. Why is it so hard for me to be just like that? Today was very tough for me and it almost broke me entirely. After that lecture I was working for two more hours in the library. This was very good. Amazing Job @myself for getting shit done. But when I wanted to go to the gym to attend another course, all the sudden, I just turned around and left. Completely on autopilot. This was very weird. It was like I was running away. What happenend at home? I was eating too much stuff. Well said Yoghurt and Bananas, three Eggs and a big pile of salad with tuna. Despite that it is too much and a bit off my usual routines, this is still healthier than what 90 % of the people would eat. So thats fine. But then I watched porn. Happened all the sudden. I know, it happened, because I was so dragged down. It feels like a tough loss. But I was not playing games or anything. I am not a gamer anymore, so that is completely dead inside. Even if everything imaginable in my life would go wrong, I would kill myself before I game again. No worries, wont gonna happen. So what can I learn out of that? I am not even close to where I want to be. I still have so much to improve. This year is the year, where I fix my social life and develop social skills. It is a process. Can't expect it to happen right away. I will need more time and I give myself that time. I don't care that much about the porn thing. Since I am not counting any streaks or days, it doesn't matter. I just continue the right path. Like I said to quite a lot of people in this forum: 60 days without a drug and 1 day with it is better then 61 days with the drug. Obviously! Streaks are not important. Results don't matter. The process matters. And I am in the middle of it. While writing it, there are some positive things to consider: I am actually sitting in the lecture. Normally, I would have run away. So, I guess that is already a bit better than what I used to do. Overall, I am also outside a bit more than before. Attending those sport classes, going sometimes to the sauna. All of that is already one step in the right direction. But I have to do even more. Eventually, I think I have to join an association at campus to force myself out even more. I will not give up. Today was like I was on the edge to completely loose it all, but I am not giving up. The thing with the whole process is that it is not linear. Ups and downs are part of the process. I will not continue, until I am done. Actually, in a certain way, this is some kind of suicidal ideation. Last year, I killed this sugar eating, fat son of a bitch, I hated to see in the mirror. I killed that lazy fuck, who never worked and chilled all the time. I killed the fucker, who never cleaned up his appartment. And my next victim is this weak social shit. People say that you have to love and accept yourself? I disagree. Self hate can be quite helpful. But in a positive way. Don't say to yourself that you are ugly or useless. It is more like a responsible, very angry parent, who wants his child to make the right decisions.

That is extremely disrespectful behavior from her 😕

The only sugar up to this point, I am consuming, is honey here and then. Besides, I don't really miss any sweet etc. And I think that this is the most common misconception that you will feel a lot worse without the added sugar, while in fact, you feel a lot better with a better diet. 🙂 So I really agree on this matter.

@ceponatia It can be very rewarding. It is also of course hard work here and then, but I really want to finally master it. And I think there is nothing wrong with drawing game characters etc. Well sometimes, habits and things get lost right? Regarding my plans for today. I woke up around 8, that is alright I would say. I got pretty much everything done despite going to a fitness class and my "bonus". But that is totally fine, since I first have to work on sunday again, so enough time to mix some music. And despite not joining a fitness class I was working out anyway at home. So quite the productive day despite some starting problems. Tomorrow I go to the university again, lets see how it goes. Same plan as today regarding a fitness class. Maybe after university is over. Also more reading for university. The rest I will see 🙂

Well I don't care that much about the internet and ads. Sometimes, people mean well and actually want to help, others are just scam. Sometimes it can be difficult to differentiate, what is right and what isn't. What I have to say: @Jordan2020 Congrats for playing in moderation and gaining control over gaiming. I am not so sure about gaming in moderation over the long term and really would suggest to go away from it whatsover, but a feeling of control can be valuable. The thing with self improvement: It is never really over. I improved in so many areas, but I see so many areas to still get better. And there is only one reason to make this self improvement. You improve yourself to fall in love with yourself. When I look back more than one year and looked in the mirror, I really hated that version of myself. This changed, I am starting to like my body. I like that my diet is better and that I have more self control overall. I just like myself a lot more. And this is what is it about. Making decisions I don't regret, working towards meaningful goals and having a feeling of control in my life. Things like a meaningful relationships are also goals of mine, but I never think about them too much. Eventually, I will achive that goal. 🙂 I don't think that your way of self improvement is over yet @Jordan2020 otherwise you would not call yourself ugly. Think about, what you are doing to yourself. You are one special individual. Treat yourself like this special precious thing. Unless you have three eyes and a weirdly shaped mouth, which can make your dating life a bit more complicated, I would not consider you ugly. Sure, there are people out there, who have it a lot harder, like serious appearance issues, which will make them less attractive. This is just a sad fact. If this is not the fact then you are blessed. But of course if you start looking, you will find flaws in yourself. I am not a very tall person, I have an eye disease called ptosis. Guess what, I dealed with the eye disease with a ton of training, it is almost not noticeable. And I am really not a big person, which also makes my dating life a bit harder. But guess what, I nailed chicks. 😄 What I am saying is this: If you have serious flaws, which will make you "ugly" what I doubt then you have to deal with that. Can't make myself taller I guess. If it is something like overweight or no muscles, hit the gym. Always a good idea anyway for your health. But the most likely reason that you are not having success, is because of your social behaviour and your attitude. And that is something that you can change. What is not changing anything is to decide that this is just, how it is supposed to be and to decide to become depressive because of it. Keep fighting bro!!!!

You are cleaning your room quite a lot 😄

Everything worked out accordingly. I was reading everything I wanted for university, I was drawing for quite some time today and I was really happy about it. I also was cooking and cleaning my aquarium. Well, I was cooking a meal and independently of that I was cleaning my aquarium. ^^ Just a moment ago I was working out and now I will probably do just a couple of minutes of learning dutch. This sums up an amazing day. Maybe later I will read a bit in the course of socialpro. I feel just a little bit of anxiety and nervousness, when thinking about the lectures next weak and the people I will meet there. So, time to address this I guess. On the flipside, today I was almost watching porn. I don't like that a lot, but of course, it is not just that big of the problem. Just need to be strict and attentive about it. I don't want this to be a part of my life again. Just writing a short to do for tomorrow: Waking up early (doesn't matter when) get into my morning routine again (my sickness last week was messing with it a bit) Read another chunk for university Draw Learn dutch (maybe longer than the 2 minute rule stuff) clean up appartment participate in a fitness course at university maybe look into the material for my bachelor thesis make an appointment with tutor regarding master program bonus: check out new music mix for sauna Let's see how much I get accomplished. It is a bit longer then usual. But in the end, it doesn't matter, how much I get done. That would be all.

What makes you think that you have in any way failed regarding detoxes? How is not gaming for 30 days or even 10 days a failure? It is a lot better than gaming for 30 or 10 days. It really isn't about the number of days you "reached" it is just about the process. And you are willing to start it. Fall in love with this process. You are not a failure, if in the middle of it you cave in. The result is really not important. It is the way towards it. This is, where you can define, who the new version of you is going to be. Who do you want to be? What new hobbies or inspiring things do you want to try out? This is not about giving up something, but finding something new and exciting. You already said that your life immediately gets better. That is a sign. You are only inches away of breaking through to your new you. It will be so great that you never will look back. I can't wait to see, who your new version will be. 🙂

@DaBest I like it a lot. I checked out the video and his approach is even more "quantitative" by drawing even more faces. Interesting idea to consider. The rest is quite comparable to what I am doing. Righit now I am scanning through his blog and are reading some articles. He has some interesting points. One that I am interested in particular is the idea that I should focus on one project rather than several at the same time. So right now I am trying to learn for university, practice painting and learn Dutch. I will do some more research, but I am considering to let learning Dutch fall fack behind a little bit. I will still use the 2 minute rule to do it daily in order to build up that "language learning habit". This makes sense, since sometimes, I still will find a bit of energy to work on it, and I am a lot more interested in art right now. Learning for university is a must do. No way to postbone that. Yesterday went pretty great. I was reading, what I wanted to read for university and I was painting quite a lot. Maybe today, I can find time to finally work out again and clean my aquarium. The rest should go similar to yesterday. That is all for now.

Hey man, welcome. Good for you to make these steps to change yourself for the better. Really like your goals and new habits. But be careful about those numbers. You will probably not learn 2 hours everyday or program for 30 minutes. But that is alright. Even just 5 minutes makes a difference. So keep going 🙂 Saying I love you to myself I have never really tried. Maybe, come time, I will install some gratitude in my life as well.

Right now, it is all about university and establishing my routines of drawing and learning dutch. I heavily rely on the two minute rule by James Clear. At least the basic idea. So, I just start with the habit, do it for at least two minutes and then stop. With the exception that I mostly do it quite a lot longer. But, when I feel that it turns out to be actual work, I just stop it. I will do this for a couple of weeks now. Over time, it will be an actual habit. Should be a lot easier for drawing, because this used to be a die hard hobby of mine. It served me well, when I was barely gaming many years ago. But this time, I don't just want to be ok. I want to be capable of drawing fairly accurate portraits. To practice that I have to strategies. I am switching between a quantitative and a qualitative method. I pick out one picture of a famous celebrity. Right now, it is a picture of Emma Watson. In the quantitative method. I just start mindlessly drawing her face on one paper, not measuring too long or being to nitpicky, producing mere sketches. After a couple of minutes, I check, how accurate this light version is. If I am not satisfied, I just put it aside and sketch a new version. Sometimes, I will draw up to ten of those. This can be a lot of fun. When I am satisfied with one, in the qualitative method, I now focus on accuracy. I try to draw very detailed and as accurate as possible. This is a lot harder then the other method, but also quite enjoayble. I am alternating between the two, sometimes only one in each session. Whatever I feel like. I do this, because I found out that I am not equally motivated for speed or accuracy every single day. So in order to still have an effective learning process, I alternative with my strategies. Let's see, how this will serve me the following weeks.

@Ikar She claims to have some stress with her ex husband. Right now, I just let it be as it is, but I have the feeling that I will not repeat it again. I am feeling ok so far. So why change this by getting intimate again and then feeling annoyed? 😕 Seems to be for the better. Thanks for asking. 🙂

Want to hear how often I had girls showing interest in me like you described, when I was in school? Zero. So I guess you are already able to do more then I was able back in your age. You can build on that. And you already able to ask girls out by yourself. I am still struggling with that. Mightly. So I advice you to just keep going. Ask out more girls if you feel comfortable, focus on getting more relaxed. The less needy and more self confident you appear the more it will attract nice ladies. Those who treat you bad (saying I love you and then break up) they can go fuck themselves. Not worth your time. Again, be patient. Your time will come.

What do you think, is the reason that you have no girlfriend? Try to answer that with objectivity. I saw on your picture, how you look like. You are not ugly. ^^ I mean right now it appears to me, as if you think that this is a one way street: You makek a couple of changes and then you are at your goal, where infinite happiness awaits you. That is not the case. We are designed not feel annoyed, because certain things, which we want. Once we have it, we are contained for like a couple of days then we want something else. Our desire for more, to improve and to get better is the reason, why we are on top of the food chain. And not elephants for instance. And let me tell you something about change: You should not change and improve yourself to get girls. You should do it for yourself. Take care of yourself, as if you were another person. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Last but not least regarding girls: If you are "needy" and have this attitude "I desperately want a girlfriend", then let me tell you: Girls notice that. Do you want a girlfriend that is clingly and needy and is not contained with herself and wants you to do it? And girls will not make you happy or reach the magic tree, where eternal happiness lies. After a couple of months, you are used to it and new problems appear. And once again: School is a horrible place. Once it is over, your life will drastically improve. It is like a magical formula. xD I promise.

Better use @ in the future otherwise I might miss is ^^ The questions now is, how much these anxieties are more than normal. I am also afraid of mistakes, sickness of beloved ones, social things or phobia related things. I think we all have it to some degree. To get my shit together, those are the two most important things: Becoming the best version of myself and trying to help others become their best version. Regarding myself, I already found ways to beat overweight, procrastination (even though right now being sick makes it a bit harder), and a couple of other things. Let me tell you something: We can't control everything. If we could, life would be boring. But there is one thing we can do: Slowly expanding our comfort zone. Everyday a little bit better. Right now I am just working on smiling more in public. When this is mastered, I make the next step. Social anxiety will be destroyed by me. I won't allow any anxieties to hold me down any longer. Life is too short. Like I like to say: If you are standing between my goals and me, I advise you to step aside. 😉 I want to make a difference, by pulling as many people with me as possible. Away from bullshit food, away from meaningless gaming, away from drugs and bad habits, away from porn and an anxiety driven life. I am studying psychology, so I think I am starting to get the required scientific background to do so. Those to things combined are so powerful that gaming is completely dead. I have no desire whatsover. I am not a gamer anymore. I can sense the same abilities in you as well, based on the way, how you write. It is not this classic stuff like "day 14, my desire is unbearable, I have strong straving to game..." whatever. It is more like "How can I turn this new energy into something meaningful". That is, how it is done. 🙂

@Tomas oh you are from the netherlands? Well that is a kind offer. Maybe I will come back to it. But right now I am still feeling quite like a beginner. 😄

Hey Shelly, good luck with your process. I am sure you will crush your addiction into pieces 🙂 What kind of anxiety are you trying to cope with? I like that you are already looking out for other meaningful things to do. That is the way to go 🙂 There is one line in there that I really liked especially: "I want to make a difference." In a certain way, I have the same desire right now. It can be quite powerful, so powerful that you at some point will have no desire to waste your time with meaningful gaming anymore.

Not a lot to say here. I am feeling a lot better by now. Not perfect but still. Today I was drawing a bit and finally learned some dutch. Right now I am still trying to read a bit for university, so most of my goals were met today. Besides that I am still resting to get better. A shame I have not a lot of social contacts right now to practice my skills. But this will come of course so I am not too much annoyed by it.

I am worried about you. Don't you talk about suicide man, I will not allow it 😮 What exactely is it that you are trying so hard to get a girlfriend? I mean what kind of strategies? Are you constantly asking girls out for dinner? Trying to work on your social skills to be charming and a gentlemen? And there is a pretty straight forward reason, why some people advice to improve yourself indepdentently of women: A relationship will not help you overcome negativity and bad feelings. Instead of making your happiness dependent on some future event (money, cars, girlfriend), you should start working on yourself now. It you are not happy and content with yourself, why should women want to be in a relationship with yourself? Btw. I did not have a relationship in my entire school time. It sucked ofc. For some people it just not happens in school I guess. I mean I was a bully victim and kind of a loner so that did not help regarding relationship stuff. ^^ I had a relationship during my university time. Did you think that I was happy with it? At first sure. For like half a year, but then some problems started. Long story short, I stuck to the relationship for 3 years. I wish I had finished it earlier. Too late now, so whatever. So all what I'm saying: You will have a relationship eventually. Be patient. The more you work on yourself, your behaviour and your skills and confidence, the sooner it will probably happen. Ps.: If you are having suicice thoughts, you can always talk to me if you want. I will talk it out of you! Or better, talk to someone you can trust, talk to public service hotlines there are many options. But don't let it grow in your stomack. You are not alone.

First of all welcome again. Good that you are ready to tackle it again. But let me tell you that I am worried about the way, how you are tackling it. I think, you create enourmous pressure to yourself my making this your last shot. I have never seen this work. Never! Why? Because, I think that you are now like a heavily overweight person that refuses to eat candy and talks to herself: NO CANDY NO CANDY NO CANDY... This is not working. Over time, it will create a lot of tension that will only become stronger and stronger. The only thing that will give you release, is gaming. So what is the alternative? The most important thing is the process. Instead of being a gamer desperately trying to not play, you have to become a non gamer. You have to change your identity. Not the number of days and results are important, but what happens right now. I know that almost everyone here is counting the number of days of not gaming, but I don't think that this is necessary. So what is it that a non gamer does? He is obviously not playing games. Maybe he goes out a lot or does some sport I don't know. You can do, whatever you want. Find new activities, with which you can fill the time, you now have, because you are not gaming. Whatever you like. Eventually, you should also delete steam, twitch, and basically everything gaming related. If you are a non gamer, you don't need it anymore. If you still refuse to do this than you are still a gamer. To become a non gamer, you need to prove it to yourself with your own behaviour. For me it worked to focused on studying like crazy. Also diet and sports have become so important for me that two weeks before I decided to quit gaming for good, I almost completely forgot to game at all, because I was to busy. So maybe make your studying a new passion. Turn into a hard worker, a die hard learner and focus on your career. Maybe start working out and get ripped. Become a work ethic beast. You will forget about gaming. It has no value in your life anymore. If you want to learn more about the idea of identity based habits, here is a good article I would say: https://lifehacker.com/stick-to-your-goals-this-year-by-using-identity-based-h-5973583 But please don't use this ultimatum, where you put this enourmous pressure on yourself. You will set yourself up for failure!