BrassWolf

Today I was thinking about some of my students and how they will return to us in a few weeks from their summer break. Some of them will say "I played 11 hours of Fortnite" and they are elementary aged students. I am wondering, as an educator, what I can do about this. I feel that I want to collaborate with my counselor on this and maybe even our parent liasion. Just a curiosity on what to do.

Days Without Games: Five Days Without Internet Addiction of Any Kind: Five Morning This morning after completing my breakfast routine and posting last night's journal here, I went on my 2nd or 3 weekly bike rides and adjusted my workout schedule/routine to fit cycling into the mix without taxing my body too much by doing that and then coming home to do a cardio workout or even a strength one on the same day. During this ride I reflected hard on the day's stoic wisdom of not sweating the small things. I read this interview and felt inspired about how we are all on similar journeys (Hell, the same one) but go about those journeys differently. I made a huge realization that while not sweating the small stuff I needed to sweat the big stuff, and mentally made the realization about how my addiction applied to other areas of my life and just how it impacted my relationship. Without beating around the bush too much, I watched the Great Porn Experiment TED Talk and realized just how deep the internet and gaming addiction was. I didn't realize the reasons why I was looking for more and more "dark" stuff in terms of porn, or tried to challenge myself more and more in games by playing them competitively rather than as a hobby/for pleasure in entertainment. I made a commitment to myself to talk to my husband and just say "I feel this is why I struggle to connect. Now that I am on the path to quit these addictions, I think it will get better but this is how addiction works and why it got so bad and weird in the first place" Mind. Fucking. Blown. Afternoon I decided to have lunch with my mother-in-law and that was really pleasant. It was nice to be more present in the moment while conversing with her, rather than worrying about catching up on discord or waiting for the next game's race so not really paying attention. Listening and caring about what I was hearing. That was nice! Two of my students spotted me and the little one looked like she was seeing the most famous person in the world. "OH MY GOSH! MOMMY! LOOK! IT'S MY MUSIC TEACHER! IT'S HIM!!!" I may or may not have blushed because of her absolute excitement to see me. It was a beautiful reminder of how impactful you can be when you are there for people AND actually give a damn about them! After some self-improvement activities I taught my lessons for a few hours. Those were really rewarding! I definitely noticed I've been less awkward talking with the relatives some of my clients want to introduce me to. That lack of awkwardness is quite nice! Evening After making dinner with the husband we sat and worked on his motorcycle some more. I have still yet to have the conversation with him but will let you all know how that goes in the morning. Good - What did you do that was good today? Today I saw an advertisement for a fan game I was absolutely excited about. I nearly clicked on it to look up more and see if there was a release date for it, but I stopped and used my craving strategy (which I also used so I didn't buy a Rockstar) and let it be acknowledged and move along. Better - What can I improve? It's been hard to take on this detox AND take it on for VARIOUS things. Most research says you start small with habit breaking and choose one thing, but I am trying it the Cam way and I'm glad I'm doing it that way. Rip off the band-aid! I feel that I can improve what I am doing to pass the time each day. Hell, I just said "pass the time" like I'm giving myself busy work. While I enjoy what it is I am doing, I also need to fit in my other goals like seeing the world. I'm not just talking about figuring a savings plan to go to another country or state but researching and scheduling excursions for myself AND both of us. I need to make sure I'm exploring my whole self and not just focusing on some parts. Best - What do I need to do to be the best version of myself To be the best version of myself I need to live with virtue. I did some things because of my addictions that I am absolutely not proud of and made the realization today that the best version of me would put all of the cards on the table even if it means losing something. I'm not sure how the conversation will go, but if stoicism has taught me anything it's that I can be prepared for every possible outcome I can conceive. Will I still feel the hard emotion? Fuck yes. But, I know I am capable of living through that emotion. Thanks for listening!  Kris 

Days Without Games: Four Days Without Internet Addiction of Any Kind: Four Morning This morning I continued developing the routine of reflecting on daily stoic wisdom. Today's wisdom was about the practice of premeditatio malorum, essentially playing the "what if" game but then planning on contigencies. I applied that immediately to the bike ride I was going on. "What if my tire goes flat?" Then I will do X. "What if it is very hot?" Then I will pack extra water and stop more frequently (Which I did!) This really helps you remember what is and is not in your control, because I cannot control if I get hit by a car but I can control what I do to prevent that from happening by being aware of my surroundings and adapting. I repaired my tube, learned a trick to remove and replace the tight tire, and I did a speed ride meaning I had 6 bursts ranging from 30 seconds to 2 minutes where I'd go fast, then pause for double that time. I began the first steps towards training for a century ride (100 miles). When I returned I continued learning Spanish, reading, and playing piano (Learning this Bach Fugue - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FSFqwdPiwE Afternoon After eating some lunch and watching TED Talks, I moved on to more cleaning. I listened to Nightwish while getting that done and before I knew it it was time to head over to my music lesson to teach one of my piano students. With this time I've gifted myself I was able to walk in there more prepared than usual and introduced the student to Bach and Chopin, which he really appreciated. Evening I noticed my husband was running late so had already prepared a Plan-B in case he said we couldn't make it to the range, so when he told me that we didn't have time I said "That's a bummer but I already figured that out. Let's do this instead" and we had a good night watching some Netflix (finished up The Ranch) and doing some maintenance on the motorcycle then we ended the day with a good talk about some politics. Good - What did you do that was good today? Today I persisted with the goal to experience this detox to the fullest. The equipment is still set up and in my space, and on my computer, but I do not touch them. I'll even look at them just to say "I don't need to touch you today, game console!" I had a few cravings today and my brain was already rationalizing that it knows I can make it so I don't get addicted again but that gives permission to skip the next 86 days. I said "Yeah, you are probably right, but this is what we are doing and we are sticking to the detox plan!" Better - What can I improve? I can continue improving the food I eat. While I am eating more mindfully lately, I need to continue to explore what does and does not leave my stomach upset. Best - What do I need to do to be the best version of myself In order to be the best version of myself I need to realize that plenty of videos, songs, and people have inspired me up until this point in my life. It is not my turn to be the inspiration for other people, to be the giver if you will. Completely relying on giving requires a strong mental fortitude and I will accept that "Thank Yous" may not come at all, but that is okay because I'd rather be inspiring the people I make contact with. Thanks for listening!  Kris

Glad I could help you along your own journey! When it comes to making fitness goals, I've found assessing yourself at six month intervals is best for me, rather than weekly/daily. We're all here for you! You got this!

I can sense some feelings of being overwhelmed from your post. What is the most challenging thing for you?

Days Without Games: Three (3) Days Without Internet Addiction of Any Kind: Three (3) Morning This morning I woke up and made myself some breakfast (Eggs with Peppers) and Tea (Earl Grey. Hot.). After this I created my morning journal to remind myself that there will be challenges, obstacles, difficult people, etc, but that I am strong and have the mental fortitude to make it through these challenges. I literally copy-pasted this from yesterday's journal because it is true. Today's Daily Stoic advice was about being okay with enjoying life and I felt that was a big thing to reflect on A) because it is a reflection on what this group is about and B) While discipline is important, taking a moment to enjoy things is totally great! In the end we will all be a skeleton... no bones about it! Being an educator I get time off for the summer, so today was the first day I was home alone with no social obligations or obligations with my husband, so that created an interesting scheduling challenge. While I spent time creating my agenda the previous night, now I had the opportunity to test it out and see what it feels like. In the morning I worked out (Week 15 of Consistently Working Out 5x/Week) and mowed the lawn. Then I packaged some games and consoles I had sold to my still supportive gamer friends (these two guys were completely supportive of my detox!) and got those sent to them. On the way home I got equipment for my bicycle so I can actually commit to riding a century (100 miles in one go) in two months! I've said "this is the year I will do the century" for the past 3 summers, but this time I need to commit to it. If it's hot, instead of making an excuse about it I need to schedule the ride in such a way that I won't have to deal with it as much! Afternoon After eating some lunch and watching TED Talks, I moved on to more cleaning. Then I fired up Duolingo and rekindled my desire to learn Spanish (which will be great in so many ways) and practiced my defensive skills. After this I took Cam's advice to find an alternate space and went to the library and sat outside, enjoying the view and the quiet as I read and researched things to do to start up a side hustle. Evening We spent a few hours making dinner and then going shopping. I'm spending my last few hours here reflecting and will play piano after this to end the night on a good note (pun intended!) Good - What did you do that was good today? Today I persisted with the goal to experience this detox to the fullest. The equipment is still set up and in my space, and on my computer, but I do not touch them. I'll even look at them just to say "I don't need to touch you today, game console!" Better - What can I improve? When my husband comes home and is feeling tired from the day, I'm still expecting this version of him that is as fired up as I am about things. I need to continue to remember that just because he is feeling that is nothing to do about me AND I know I have been there too. I don't need to come up with advice or feel like i know things just because I'm discovering a new self. Best - What do I need to do to be the best version of myself I feel that it is important to smile and laugh a little, and there is some of that. In order to be the best version of myself I need to allow other people to experience emotion in their own ways. Negative emotions are just as okay as positive emotions AND while I can be empathetic about other people's thoughts and feelings, especially those close to me, I can still remain uplifted and encouraging for the people around me. Thanks for listening!  Kris

Reading a few of your posts from beginning, middle, and end made me think of this post I agree with you. The emotions you are feeling are real, true, and right! The challenge is how do we manage these emotions or let them flow through us? What's another way that we can express these emotions? It's great that you are learning strategies and, to be honest with you, remember that having strategies in the first place is absolutely okay too. You are strong and you can do this!

Days Without Games: Two (2) Days Without Internet Addiction of Any Kind: Two (2) Morning This morning I woke up and made myself some breakfast (Eggs with Peppers) and Tea (Earl Grey. Hot.). After this I created my morning journal to remind myself that there will be challenges, obstacles, difficult people, etc, but that I am strong and have the mental fortitude to make it through these challenges. Afternoon After eating some lunch we watched some of Fluffy's netflix show "Mr. Iglesias" which I do like because A) It makes me laugh and B) the episodes connect with me as an educator because I notice so many of these issues happening around me and am always striving to be the one that believes in all of the students. We did some chores together, went for a walk and dinner as well today. Evening I spent some more time re-connecting with the piano, reading more Respawn and creating an agenda (with rough time windows) for tomorrow and worked out (I have been doing AthleanX's Xero program which requires no equipment). I am spending the last hour here reflecting on the day and preparing for bed. Good - What did you do that was good today? Today I stayed present and in the moment with my husband and didn't allow technology or other things to distract me from that as I have in the past. If there was a break in the conversation, I didn't reach for my phone to fill the time or search for a new topic, but let that pass naturally and without judgement. Better - What can I improve? I feel that I can improve being okay with the "what" we do sometimes. Sometimes we won't be able to be going on a grand hiking adventure or something similar, but meaning and fulfillment can be found even in the simple things. Best - What do I need to do to be the best version of myself I feel that it is important to smile and laugh. I still feel that while I am approaching that Stoic calmness, it would be great to allow myself to smile, laugh, and not take things so seriously! Thanks for listening! Kris

I chose "Memento Mori" for the title of my journal because it reflects on something that, 10 years ago, absolutely scared and depressed me - mortality. The fact that one day *snap* this life ends, and being 21 at the time that thought was scary. Needless to say, 8 years later and I can at least talk about it in a way that inspires me to create a better life for myself. Hey! My name is Kris and I am a teacher in Colorado. This will be my public journal which will contain things that I am okay with sending out to the public internet space. I keep a more private journal that is literally written just for me to put myself and the day on trial for no audience but myself because I feel that is important as well! Everyone around me says "things are okay" I know enough now to know that things are not okay. Pushing for competition in video games for the last 3 years has really heightened my touchiness/anger and my knack to follow the Myth Buster's motto of "If it's worth doing, it's worth over-doing!" on everything really did not do me any favors when it came to that kind of gaming. Add streamers and streaming into the mix and my last year was a huge mess, but I am coming out of those challenges a stronger person. The last year I legitimately considered escaping the challenges of teaching and considering a career as a professional smash player, a game that I never played seriously until it came out last year. I looked at how much money I could potentially make doing it, tried to get feedback, and be serious about improving and everything. This went right in line with me trying to improve my times in speedruns in order to submit runs to events and get to play in front of a big audience. A part of me thought that was cool, but as time grew on this year (and some time in therapy this year as well), I realized that my priorities were way out of alignment. I realized, more and more, that the whole gaming and online scene was not my life and the reason I felt like I didn't fit in was because I myself always fought to consider whether what I was doing was of value or not (and to me, ultimately, it was not!) After feeling a huge sense of guilt over pushing for another personal best in a video game this last Saturday, July 13, I went to lunch with my husband and declared PROUDLY that I was going for the 90 day detox to re-evaluate my priorities. In the end, I want to be the best person I can be but also be there for my husband and the people that are important in my life. No more training wheels! It's time to be the crescendo and aim for a journey that gets stronger and stronger every day! Memento Mori is about accepting that we could blip out and to not worry about it because the time for that is absolutely out of our control. What is in control is how we show we value our life and our time and find the beauty in the world around us! I will be experimenting with a few formats before landing on one that I like, but I hope that these journals connect with some of you and offer you inspiration. We are all brave for taking a step to make a positive change in our life. Together, we are strong and can do this! The time to make a true mark on the world starts!

Thanks for the message, James! AS part of my philosophical dig I have been looking deep into the beliefs of stoicism and today's thoughts are in honor of memento mori, the practice of realizing our mortality and finding the inspiration in all parts of life, living life as full as possible. I'll be starting my journaling in private to be honest, but may start a thread at some point to share as well. -Kris

Thanks for the reply, Neil! Really appreciate the details and inspiration! During this last year especially I've honestly slowly taken the time away from games, but as an educator, once that summer clicks I went into full on game mode. I am so grateful my students challenged me in a way that I was able to gain emotional awareness for the first time in 29 years. Over the year I have put a lot of time into researching mental health and gaining strategies and tools to process and acknowledge emotions, instead of burying them as I always had (because I didn't know that is what I was doing!) I'm processing how exactly I want to journal but I definitely will be doing that. Be well and I'm sure I will see you around! -Kris

Hey; My name is Kris and I'm from Colorado and my favorite color is blue. Now you have enough information about me to write your own hip hop classic! Gaming has been a part of my life for a long time and, especially during and after college, I got swept up by the internet. While this was great because I did meet my eventual life partner, there are a lot of flaws too, and these flaws have come to a head. 4 years ago my gaming got "serious" with Counter Strike and I tried to become super good at it (this was when I launched my teaching career and, that was a tough year). After that obsession I moved on to speedrunning games and Smash Bros., once again taking the games out of their natural context and obsessively perfecting the execution of them to become among the best. For a while that even mattered to me. My journey this year has been of rebirth in many aspects, and this week I reached a point where I began to look hard at my technological involvement and after reading up on Stoicism and the ideas of doing things that matter for the greatest good possible, I found this place and I took it as a sign that it was time. Today I performed my last stream and did my last speedrun. After that, and allowing the guilt and disgust to flow, I began the 90 day detox. I firmly commit to it right now! I want to reconnect with what makes me happy, like taking care of our house and relationship, reading books to improve myself, playing instruments again (yeah, I was the music teacher that practiced video games! While it may earn brownie points with kids, it definitely doesn't help when you try to improvise piano in front of them!!!) That about sums up as much as I want to share in a public space like this! Thanks for giving the space to talk here! Kris