Jacked

I'm really self-conscious about how I look, and it really effects my ability to live a good life. I'm trying everything I can now to address certain issues so that I'm more comfortable and confident in social situations. I wish I could be less self-conscious but looks are so important to me, and society too. At least I'm starting to develop "healthy addictions" like reading, exercising, dieting, skincare. I do have a problem with over-planning and under-executing though. I guess I'm too used to being passive. But I have way more drive and motivation now than I used to. And I think it will get even easier as time goes on and I stay clean from gaming, as my dopamine receptors adjust and all that. Most things to me in real life seem kind of "meh". I'm not sure if its the meds I'm on, or withdrawal from porn and videogames...

I'm following a food and workout plan fairly strictly. To be honest, a lot of the time I'm just procrastinating and I'm not sure what to do. I sometimes pick up the guitar or do some drawing. I want to read and study more but I feel quite tired and brain-fogged especially after a workout and eating. I should shift those to later in the day.. Schedule optimization is ongoing. Hopefully I can stop feeling drowsy in the mornings so I can get some good work done then. I'm currently taking part in a social anxiety group, It would be good to make more effort in that area. I'm attempting to do more "In vivo" practice or exposure therapy. For example, today I went to write in a coffee shop and then to a new restaurant by myself. I feel really tense and uncomfortable in a lot of situations, no doubt influenced by all the years I spent avoiding doing anything, and instead I was immersed in the virtual world. But I've made good progress. I realize it's going to take a lot of time and effort to build up genuine confidence "out there" in the world, given my life experience so far. My first class went OK socially. Was able to make some conversation. I'm pretty awful with first impressions, introducing myself and making conversations continue though. I'm hoping to join a club or two and make some friends and practice social skills. I haven't had a social life in a long time. Actually for most of my life I haven't at all ... I guess screen-time took away the need for that.

DAY TWO Had a little urge last night to play same games. Only because I was bored and couldn't sleep. Would have been a disaster if I succumbed to that urge. Uni starts today. I need my sleep. A bit anxious about going to my new classes. There will be people I don't know, and I don't really know how to make a favorable first impression. I'm just going to chill, I'm going there to learn. Just don't be weird. Starting my new exercise and diet program today too. It's going to get tough. Just have to remind myself how badly I want the end goal.

DAY ONE No desire whatsoever to play any games. I've become addicted to reading, and I love it. Self-improvement in these areas are my main focus right now: Mental, Physical and Social. I'm going to build the best body I can. Strong, functional. I'm also going to fix my psychology. Be confident, positive. I will also start building essential social skills to operate properly in the world. I'm becoming a new person one day at a time, building a foundation for my future. Without games in my life I have so much freedom. Without being chained to a screen I have hours to work on what I really enjoy.

DAY ZERO I'm leaving it ALL behind. I played a little game today. All it does is frustrate me. No more. I have better things to do. Goals to achieve. Books to read. Retraining myself to override 10+ years of this habit won't be easy. It's going to be painful. I accept that. Willpower alone won't work. I know that. It's going to require mindfulness instead of acting on brain-dead autopilot zombie mode all the time. The progress I can make throughout a 90 day detox is pretty huge. I'm excited.

At first it was just fun. Then it was fun with problems. Now it's just problems. The escapism isn't working like it used to. I know I want more than this. Sometimes I see myself from a different perspective: hunched over in my parents garage, staring into a screen throughout all hours of the night. How did I let myself get to this point.. a 22 year old man-child. No job, no experience, no car, no friends, no relationship ... Games have no place in my life anymore. It's about time I moved on. I'll do anything to feel like I'm alive again.