Perfect Tommy

I think I'm getting divorced. This woman is truly insane. I leave for the field for 3 weeks, and she loses her fucking mind. Anything will set her off. I forgot my charger in the hotel, so when we flew out to our destination, I didn't have a phone. Whatever, you can skype me or email me. No, no, no, she lost her fucking mind again. "Are you cheating on me?! You're cheating on me! Are you fucking your female coworkers?! ARghhh!!" She constantly, constantly thinks i'm cheating, she's so insecure about herself it's unbearable. Then she sent me 30 text messages at 12 in the morning, telling me I'm the cause to all her problems and she wants a divorce. Good, I want her the fuck out of my house. She's a giant bitch, and I don't like her at all. Ending this marriage is going to be a major challenge for me. Being alone again. Truly isolated this time, truly alone. This is going to be insanely difficult. I don't know if I can do it.

Thank you all for the kind words. I have to remember that I'm not alone, and others are going through exactly what I'm going through. I've decided to really take a hard look at my health. For so long I've forgot myself in video games, not focusing on what's important, and what will help me fulfill my dreams and goals. I've always locked myself in a room and gamed until I had to go to work the following Monday. Now, after about two months of not gaming, I'm really looking into other hobbies, interests, health concerns, etc. I've decided to pick up piano lessons and learn Spanish. These are easy things I can do in the meantime while I try and focus on my job, and more importantly my health. I recently found out I have a Traumatic Brain Injury, this has caused a hormonal imbalance which has greatly affected most of my life. I would have never understoodnd my problem unless I quit gaming, to allow me more focus into my problems. Now I can make appointments to get on TRT + HCG, or Clomid to fix my testosterone issues, and HBOT (Hyperbaric oxygen therapy) to fix my cognitive defects inherit from my TBI (Traumatic Brian Injury). I feel very optimistic now. I know exactly what is wrong with me, and why I decided to isolate and, forgot, life. Instead biding my time with an endless stream of video games. Now I can focus on fixing myself, and doing things that will help me in the future. A small business? That's in the works. Lose 30lbs of fat and get in shape? I'll be doing that as soon as I get on medication. Fix my brain, so I can actually think properly again? HBOT. Get that camper Van and fix it up to start traveling again? As soon as I get back from the field. I still am highly addicted to video games, but I've chosen to 'forgot' them, and put them far out of my mind. I still have many problems, but at least now I'm facing them.

I am a fool. I am truly a fool. As I sit here in this swank, luxury Hilton hotel room, paid for by my company, I just realize how far I'm fallen into this dark abyss of adolescence, irresponsibility, and, disbelief. I can't believe I even made it this far. To have this decent job, my brain only working half the time, as the other half seems locked away in a prison within my own mind. I could be so successful, I could make my dreams come true, if I can only snap back to reality. Mind you, the gaming is only a part of the problem. Sure, I have locked myself in a dark room most of my life, playing video games until the early morning hours, but even though I stopped gaming, the problem still persists. I suppose this is part of the process, realizing you have a problem, or in my case, a plethora of problems. Now I just realize, there is no running away from it anymore. There is no self satisfying escape in a virtual world, where you can escape your real life problems, now, you have to face them. For me, my health is now a major concern. I'm overweight, I have no testosterone coursing through my veins, my vitamin D is basically non-existent. The Clompihene Citrate has only raised my levels ever so slightly, from 161 to 364 total testosterone. This is not enough. I'm very hesitant to go on the TRT, because I still don't have children, and I've always dreamed of having a big family. Although, that is just a dream. But in order for me to succeed, to truly get out of this slump, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take care of my health. TRT + HCG should preserve my fertility when the time comes to start reproducing. The benefits at this point, greatly outweigh the negatives. Suicidal thoughts and constant depression are not suitable ways to live one's life. So I will start. I need to change. I need to change the way people look at me. I'm like a cooler. I walk into the room and it's like I'm a black hole, sucking everybody's positive emotions into myself, depriving everyone of their basic instinctual habit of harboring hope. I can't stand it. Hopefully taking care of my health, and the quitting of video games will give me the strength to finally get a life. A real one.

I stopped gaming. It's been a 2 weeks. The cold sweat pours from my bow as I sit here in my former game room, contemplating just what the hell I'm supposed to do now. Countless hours I've spent in this room, staring at an illuminated screen, wasting my life on something that won't even matter in the end. Now I'm left in this empty room, staring at my 13" xps laptop, trying to figure out just what else I can do. I've made lists, I've completed those lists. Home improvement? I've fully furnished my otherwise empty house, now my house is in pristine condition, and looks beautiful. What else? Guitar Lessons, Piano Lessons, learn a new foreign language? I now have dreams of travel. I want to make them real. I've made strides to starting my own business, and I'm actually starting my own business. It's incredible the amount of free time I actually have now. I've formed my LLC's, I'm compiling my list of suppliers and products, and I've secured my domains for the site. My boredom seems to be transmuting into something tangible now. Instead of slaying enemies in my favorite video games, I'm attempting to slay life. The pain still lingers though. The instant gratification of diving head first into my favorite video game, and being greeted with the ever so common familiarity; my haven of solace. Quitting something I've been doing everyday since I was born is incredibly hard. Trying to come to the realization that I can no longer escape into these more exciting worlds, instead, I have to accept the dull inescapable reality of the world. The world is what we make it. So clique, but so true. This will be a hard road, hopefully it leads somewhere.