GrainSiloEnthusiast

Today I downloaded Duolingo again because I want to be better at reading Hebrew. It would help me follow along in the Siddur (prayer book) at shul (temple/synagogue/"Jewish church") and actually learning what some of the words mean will help me process and remember prayers and blessings. I don't actually need that much help with this, I already follow along pretty well, and know nearly all the prayers by heart. It just makes sense to me to further my education on this lovely language. (I don't usually talk about being a religious nut on here, do I? I swear I've mentioned it before but I wonder how long it's been lol...) Even though Duolingo is very "gamified", it doesn't feel like a video game to me. Besides, it's genuinely real learning, and what you're "leveling up" is your actual real life skills. I'm happily surprised at how much I actually remember/know! I did duolingo Hebrew a while back, but it's been a LONG time. I had left my shul at the end of 2019 and didn't return until February this year, due to interpersonal conflict and personal issues. I had actually pretty much tried to stop being Jewish altogether but I wasn't successful lol, I just felt like a secular Jew rather than a religious one. Then I started to miss it all a lot, to the point it was painful, so I started going again. It's been nice. (For context, ~technically~ I'm not even Jewish yet. We have a pretty rigorous conversion process to weed out insincere people. Cause, ya know, lots of people want us dead. If I had already finished my conversion before I'd left then there'd be no going back whatsoever, even if I stopped practicing the religion forever, I'd still be considered Jewish. All that being said I personally identify as Jewish because at this point I know I'll finish converting or die trying lol. It's complicated.)

Yeah you're right that might be an option! Maybe I'll look into it. Right now I'm going to focus on Hebrew which is actually what I came to talk about...

I believe in you! Summer will be there before you know it, and if I could get through a whole year without gaming I think theoretically anyone can. I have a lot of factors in my life, such as being disabled, that really limit what I can participate in. So even with all that, I still managed! Yeah some of the signs for babies are simplified but they're based on the official ASL signs. ASL is such a fun and beautiful language, and I think it should be taught in schools, because so many Deaf/HOH people are so isolated! Millions of people would have better ability to communicate if learning ASL was the norm. It's even helpful for hearing people in situations like having to communicate across a room, say a library or something, quietly! I haven't made much progress, it's so hard for me to self-study. I am a classroom learner, and I can't really afford tuition fees 😞 Luckily having a toddler gives me a reason to keep using the signs I do know!

Excited to get through another winter without gaming. Oddly, many trees are changing early this year. It's got me thinking about how winter will be here again before we know it, and how last year I was so scared of winter! I had Never gotten through winter without gaming before. Now I actually miss winter and look forward to it. Autumn will always be my favorite season, but Winter may end up kicking Spring out of second place! And I used to HATE winter. Vehemently. It's funny how things can change... Part of why I love winter is because I love to be outside, but I actually tolerate cold much better than heat. Heat makes me extremely faint and I absolutely abhor sweating! This extremely hot summer we've been having has only strengthened my hatred of being hot. That being said though, I don't hate summer as a whole. If my love of winter continues to grow, I will be able to genuinely enjoy every season for one reason or another, something I've always wished I could do. If I was still gaming, unlocking this love for the once-dreaded winter might have never been possible!

https://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/ Well the thing is, we're never fully recovered. Because it is far too easy to slip back into addiction if you stop taking recovery seriously, no matter how long you've been clean. My personal suggestion about how to stop is to get a support circle, which is why I linked you to GA. You need people in your life who understand your problem and want to help you get through it. You need people who will hold you accountable and expect you to stay clean, but will also help you back on your feet if you mess up. You also need new hobbies, especially something that is creative and can keep your hands busy. Stay away from people, places, and things that trigger your urges to gamble. No Casinos, even if you're telling yourself it's just to socialize or they have great burgers. With all of my heart, from one addict to another, best of luck. 💜

I think there's definitely "healthy screentime" and "junk food screentime"! One of my favorite uses for my phone now is digital scrapbooking. Feels a whole lot healthier than some of the other crap I used to use it for!

I really want to learn more ASL (American Sign Language.) I took one semester in college and I still remember fingerspelling really well which definitely helps, but there's so much I've forgotten, and so much I never learned! My partner is hard of hearing, and only knows the signs our daughter knows ("baby sign") it would be incredibly helpful for us both to learn ASL so we can communicate more effectively.

A lot of my screentime lately has been digital scrapbooking. Much healthier use of screentime than stuff I could otherwise be doing! And because our internet is out, most of the time spent watching shows or movies is on discs together as a family. A bit of a blessing in disguise! Written on one of our WiFi-having city busses! Most of the long busses aka accordion busses have WiFi for some reason, but the rest don't (yet)

Welcome back, you're in the right place!

Ok I gotta get honest: after a couple days, NOW I am starting to be bothered. My partner has hotspot, and although the speeds are limited, it does help a lot. I guess I underestimated how much I use the internet for completely utilitarian things. Entertainment wise I'm fine without it, though there's some things I miss, but it's the little things like not being able to Google stuff that really bothers me! What a world we live in. What a spoiled generation I was born into. Thankfully nowadays free Wi-Fi in public is really easy to come by. I'm chilling outside a Starbucks leeching Wi-Fi at the moment lol.

Our internet is shut off! DIL can't pay the bill from Guam at the moment, the typhoon really messed the place up badly, there's lines around the block to get in the bank. (that's why he's there, helping his family recover from the typhoon.) The craziest part? I'M NOT LOSING MY MIND OVER IT! I have some data on my phone, I get 5 gigs per month. But I'm keeping it shut off most of the time to save that. I'm typing this on a notepad app the night before actually posting it, so I can wait to use free Wi-Fi somewhere. I usually only use data when I'm out of the house, to like WhatsApp my partner or look up a bus schedule. But there was a time when being cut off from the internet like this would have me extremely suicidal. Having internet access used to literally be one of my top priorities, and I'd have massive panic attacks whenever it was down for a few hours (or God forbid, days!) It's not like that today. Today I can live without the internet at home and be totally fine. I have better things to do! (Besides, If I really need or want to use Wi-Fi for an extended period of time, I can go to the library or somewhere else with free Wi-Fi. Our nearest library is technically walking distance!) Thanks to my recovery, I am okay today. We could go until Dad gets back in August without Wi-Fi and I wouldn't honestly care that much. What a miracle, what a blessing!!

There's so many English language finance blogs, I think it will be even more helpful if it's not in English! Thank you for the lovely comment ❤️

Something I've learned through my No Buy is that food is far too ephemeral to waste half my check on. I can easily spend anywhere from $5 to $30 at even cheap fast food places... Regardless of how much I spend it's gone in about the same amount of time. It's inevitable that I will eat out again in my life, but I'm not going to give into cravings and do it several times a week anymore, no matter how cheap each meal is. It adds up fast! Three $8 fast food meals (after tax... and that's still really cheap!!) Per week, multiplied by 4... Easily $96 a month down the drain. And it's not even healthy!! What am I even getting out of it, besides maybe a short lived dopamine rush??? So I take back what I said about not regretting it. It's like, I knew all of this logically... But I just didn't care. At the time I considered it worthwhile. But I've eaten out so many times this year there's times I don't even remember! When I do eat out, I want it to be special and memorable. I haven't lost any weight or anything yet, cause frankly my diet at home ain't that great either, and I was already putting in effort not to overeat. But I can tell you my cravings for fast food have practically disappeared now! I don't want to replace my fast food addiction with buying shit either, I want to save more money. Given my situation (on SSI) that can be complicated, but I know I can easily blow through a few hundred dollars if I actually did go over my asset limits. Plus I am eligible for an ABLE account, so I need to actually get one already. I want to save money primarily so we can travel and visit my partner's family at least once a year because otherwise we only get to see them over video call and I really want my daughter to have relationships with them. If you've been considering cutting down on or quitting eating out, this is your sign!

Yet another gaming dream, and this one was about my primary Game Of Choice... Animal Crossing. 🙄 Haven't been so triggered by a dream in a long time, but as usual I was relieved when I woke up to find it really was just a dream. It irritates me that I find a way to waste even my dreaming time on games! Better than a nightmare tho, I'll give it that.

I can understand that, I also have a hard time controlling how long I do something. Music naturally moderates itself for me at this point in my life though, I get irritated by too much now haha. I used to listen literally 24/7, can't do that anymore!

An actual *Journal* entry for once, wow! Here I will talk about my other goals and such that aren't directly related to not gaming but wouldn't be possible if I was still gaming. -- Not using Reddit has become such a normal thing for me now that I don't even need a daily goal tracker for it anymore. I marked in my calendar when a year will be, and deleted my tracker goal to make room for more! I still keep my website blocker up, in order to avoid accidents. There have been a few! The blocker is a life saver. July is going to be a ridiculously hard month financially. Thank god I quit gaming, such an expensive hobby. But I'm going to be doing a "No Buy July"... Mostly because I have no choice in the matter! Absolute necessities only. Everything else goes on a wish list. I've actually kind of already started, I've stopped eating out entirely. A LOT of our money has gone to eating out. I don't exactly regret any of it tbh but it's the first thing to go when money gets tight. Since we receive food stamps and have access to a food bank, my goal is to not spend any cash money on food whatsoever. I've been doing this for 9 days and have only failed twice, both purchases being very small and easy to validate. (The first was getting my wife some hot chicken strips from a grocery deli because we were having a horrible day and she was super hungry, she deserved it. The second was a Starbucks drink that was only $2 with a coupon, but I let myself get it because my birthday 2 days prior had been TERRIBLE. Total cash food spending since goal started: ~$7) Since my birthday was so terrible, (Long story don't want to get into it,) we stopped at a thrift store on the way home. My wife had offered to take me out for ice cream or something, and I decided if she was gonna spend money on me I'd rather it be something more functional. I really am an adult now... It really was a better use of $10 though! (My wife and I keep our finances separate, so my goal of not eating out is entirely on me. She is generally on board though.) Anyway I got 2 Zentangle-related books for my birthday thanks to her and I started tangling. I am not new to drawing or even abstract meditative doodling, my main thing was mandala for a long time, but I'd never followed the Official Zentangle Method™ before lol. It's great fun and I like that it gives some structure to an otherwise unstructured activity, which helps me to just get started. I get blank page paralysis a lot and generally I draw something from life in front of me to get started, but I get bored of that sometimes and just want to draw from imagination. This allows me to do that! Here's something kinda funny: I've taken on catching the flies in our house with a bug net, Animal Crossing style. This $1.25 dollar tree bug net is one of the best things I've ever bought, I've been able to eradicate the flies while hurting none of them in the process! So at least a little bit of those THOUSANDS of hours playing Animal Crossing was of some benefit to my real life lol, otherwise I probably never would have thought to do this! And the best part is that it's even funner to catch them in real life than in a video game, I actually get excited when I see flies now! How ironic! While writing this I've started going on an Animal Crossing nostalgia trip. It makes me really sad how that game was one of the best parts of my childhood. If I had to live my life over... I'm sad to say I'd probably do it all over again. Unless it was a new version of my life where my dad actually left like he should have... I have no doubt in my mind that being abused/neglected is a super common cause of video game addiction in children. Lacking control over my real life is absolutely what lead me to run away to a video game world. If I had to live through that hell again but I had video games as an option... Unfortunately that's the kind of reservation I still have. I think it's important for us to acknowledge our reservations. Like I still hold the reservation that if I end up completely bedbound there's a very good chance I'd go back to gaming. But if I'm not in that situation, I don't have any excuses. I'm not going to worry about crossing that bridge unless I actually come to it! Reservations are not something to run away from and pretend we don't have, they are something to be honest and up front about. Because sometimes that situation comes up, and we don't relapse! If we hide our reservations until we have to face them, the likelihood of relapse is much higher. There's also the potential for better damage control as well even when we do relapse. Well I better quit writing and actually get ready for the day, I have to go help my mom with her volunteer work at the food bank!

I've definitely cut back on how much music I listen to and how often... But I really can't imagine quitting cold turkey. What exactly is the thought process behind that?

I did, in fact, go to a GAA Zoom meeting tonight! Probably due to being location-specific, it was a small meeting, only 5 people +me. But I like small meetings, more time to share, more close-knit feeling too. I really loved it. The familiar 12 steps format helps a lot, and it was so cool to hear other recovering gaming addicts share their experience, strength, hope, and struggles! It was so cool to be able to share about getting a year without gaming, and to have people who really understand what that's like celebrate it with me. There was a guy there with over 3 years clean! What a miracle, what an inspiration! Just so cool to see the faces and hear the voices of other recovering gaming addicts! The forum is so amazing but it felt even more real to have such personal interaction, next best thing to in-person. I recommend it to anyone who thinks it might be for them!

I've been curious about Gaming Addicts Anonymous for a while now, I want to try one of their zoom meetings. Maybe today, we'll see. Getting a whole year feels like a really big deal, and while I do share this with my other recovery communities, they don't quite understand the way y'all do. I feel an obligation now to share my accomplishment with other gaming addicts, we need more role models in this community, I want to show people that it can be done.

Well first of all I would consider searching for new content you also enjoy, maybe on a different platform other than YouTube though. Pick up the use of a daily goal tracker. Don't just count days that you haven't watched lol content, pick up another goal as well, for example I have a goal to draw. You can learn a play an instrument, you can start going to the gym, or just walking around your neighborhood or something, It doesn't really matter what the goal is... It just needs to be a healthy habit that you want to incorporate into your life. What is it about lol that draws you to it? Is it the competition? Maybe you should start following, or even playing, sports. Is it the fantasy aspects? Start picking up some fantasy novels. Really pick this apart, dig deep into why you're still consuming this content. I'm also recovering pothead. I used to watch weed related content on YouTube. There is no way in hell I could watch that stuff now and not end up relapsing! So why are you setting yourself up for failure? You obviously know it's not healthy which is why you're here posting about it! You can't win against watching because you're an addict, none of us can control that. That's why we're here. Even if you manage to quit watching lol content, you're going to have to be careful in other aspects of your life! Addiction never limits itself to only one aspect of your life. You have to learn how to channel your obsessive impulses into more healthy habits, because those obsessive impulses will never go away.

You have something a lot of newcomers don't: experience having quit in the first place. How did you quit the first time around? Adopt the mantra: Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness. It might sound cheesy but I'm serious. You need to talk at length about this with your wife, or there is no chance of ever regaining her trust. And not just about gaming, everything. No more white lies about anything else either. Rigorous honesty. It can be hard to balance it with tact, but it's well worth it. If you had talked with her through your feelings before you relapsed, or came to us for help, etc, you wouldn't be in this position. I have a year free from games under my belt now, as well as experience recovering from other addictions. My inbox is open to you, and I have been checking in here more frequently recently. You can do this. You've done it before, you absolutely can do it again. You have to believe in yourself though, and you have to understand that you can't change the fact that you're an addict. Another thing I recommend is sharing your own advice and encouraging words to others on here, because addicts helping addicts is what gets and keeps us clean. You will be doing both yourself and the other person a service. Create a new identity as a person who recovers from gaming addiction one day at a time. You've seen what there is to lose otherwise, losing the title of "gamer" doesn't compare in the slightest!

Well it's been a week, how are you holding up?

Means a lot coming from you! 🥰

Still haven't tried building in The Sims, I'm too attached to my "clean time" to risk it turning into a relapse! I've realized recently that in our community, having a whole year without gaming makes me an "old timer". Old timers prove it can be done, we are living proof that a life after gaming is possible. As a substitute I got ahold of a isometric dot notebook so I can quickly and easily draft isometric room drawings! This has surprisingly actually worked well as a replacement so far.

As someone who's now gone over a year without gaming I can tell you: it will get infinitely better. And you won't be missing out on much at all. In fact right now you are missing out on so many other aspects of life. This too shall pass. It really sucks in the beginning, It really is a detox, but it is so unbelievably worth it. Many of us have gotten through it and you can too.