GrainSiloEnthusiast

It's definitely the stagnation. We were a lot more compatible when we first met, a suicidal drug addict (me) and a suicidal extreme depressive hermit (her.) I have grown and changed SO much in the last 6 years (our anniversary is on the 25th of this month...) But she is more or less the same person I got together with. She's had better times and we've had hard times, this probably isn't even the hardest time we've had, I'm just EXHAUSTED. I am literally her only friend, besides our daughter. It's exhausting to be her lover, friend, therapist, mommy, maid... etc blah blah blah all at the same time. She's actually a really good mom though. That's part of why I left my daughter with her for the weekend, I can at least trust her to take care of our child. But she almost feels like my teenage child. She feels like my Responsibility, even though she's not supposed to be. But the way our daughter cried for me when I left, the way she desperately banged on the door... I'm not ready to rip our daughter's life in half...

My partner and I are having a like... separation? or something. I don't know if it'll last only a few days, a week, weeks, indefinitely... It's too exhausting to retell everything that happened but to put it in a metaphor like... she always has a cloud over her head... sometimes it's just cloudy other times it's a thunderstorm. I'm tired of being wet all the time and afraid of when the lightning strikes I'm just so tired. I have made myself sick with stress lately too. It's hard to eat even 1000 calories because I have no appetite. Fasting on Yom Kippur had come as a relief, no obligation to eat food I don't even want to eat. I'm currently staying with my mom across town, and I left my daughter with my partner for the weekend. I'll collect her from school on Monday. I miss my daughter a lot. The way she cried when I left made me feel like "oh okay I'm stuck here forever then."

I have to admit I waffled over the idea of playing Minecraft for the sake of connection with my partner. In the end though, after thinking and praying on it, I decided against it. Despite the fact that it may be possible for me now to have a balanced relationship to gaming, especially if I'm limiting myself to only one game, the risks are just so immense it doesn't feel worth it.

That is so awesome!! And yeah I know right the collectors out there are crazy hahaha

I've been really triggered lately. I lament not being able to have a healthy relationship to gaming, because of the few good things. For example, Minecraft is truly an art medium. But even with that in mind, I'm afraid to ruin my life, so I abstain. I had a short relapse dream last night, that's what brought this to mind. There were many dreams after that which distracted me from that throughout the rest of the night, but I guess that one really impacted me. Yom Kippur was beautiful and meaningful. I'm so glad I have this in my life again. I truly felt like part of my community, which was a huge relief. I was even able to actually fast this year, which shows a vast improvement to my health! I brought snacks, I knew where the water was, but at no point did I feel so weak or terrible that I needed to actually eat or drink. I played it by ear and it ended up working out that way! I feel so much gratitude for my body, I never thought fasting would ever be an option for me. It was on Yom Kippur 4 years ago that I started to feel the urge to run away, and during Hanukkah I actually left. I had felt so overwhelmingly lonely, I'd believed nobody wanted me there. I was so wrong. People I didn't even realize liked me were glad to see me again when I returned in March, and I've since made new friends and strengthened old relationships too. Take away this: your anxiety may be lying to you. If you just assume how other people feel about you, you may never find out the truth!

Went to the local art museum with my partner today, and the main attraction at the moment is the Minecraft exhibit. It's an incredible exhibit! I am very impressed! They built a bunch of Minecraft things to real life scale and it's very immersive. At the same time though, to no surprise, this is all very triggering for me. I feel a lot of conflicting emotions. I probably wouldn't have come to this exhibit if it was just me, but I came because my partner wanted both of us to go... Minecraft used to be a really big and important part of our relationship. I have more Lego Duplo coming in the mail soon though, my daughter has been getting an absolute kick out of the set I bought a couple days ago. I love having something her and I can do together and we both genuinely enjoy it. Her imagination is already enormous! The things she comes up with on her own are adorable and incredible.

I have been under so much stress lately. The High Holidays have definitely added to that stress load, but the services have been nice and it's been good to get out of the house and be around people. Especially Jewish people honestly, since I'm the only person in my house who practices. (I will be raising our daughter Jewish but she's too young to participate in most things! Or have intellectual discussions with... Etc!) To make everything just that much more "lovely" our elderly cat took a fat piss on our living room carpet this morning. That made me angry and confused, and then my partner yelled at me for being angry, and now I'm being told by my mom she probably is having age-related health issues. So I get to expect more of this, and her impending death as well. Great, just awesome.

I'm pretty privileged to even be able to go to urgent care over something so small, it's only because I'm on Medicaid that I even have that option. Ironic to be privileged in such a way since this medical insurance is only available to me for being severely impoverished.

It's way too much fun! Very easy to spend a lot of money too, I'll have to be careful hahaha. Luckily we checked out the pre-owned Legos store yesterday, and they have a massive bulk bin where you can get a lot for super cheap. That's probably gonna be my main source for my bricks! It's so fun to hunt through it. That store is so awesome I can't wait to go back! And it seems like my toe, thankfully, isn't broken! They didn't see anything on the X-ray, but the doctor told me that doesn't rule out small fractures necessarily. But today it is feeling a whole lot better, so I think it really was just a nasty bruise. It was still worth the trip to urgent care, they taught me how to buddy wrap it nicely.

I did end up buying some Legos, we've only played with them once and not for very long so far, we were busy yesterday, but it was fun! We might go to this shop in town that's all about buying and selling used Legos today... But also I might have broken my pinky toe. If not broken probably sprained. Either way it really hurts. I slammed my foot against a door frame at full force by accident. This was yesterday morning, and I walked on it all day yesterday, which wasn't super pleasant. This morning though it's still hurting just as bad and I'm really having to rely on my cane. So I'm currently in urgent care, already triaged but waiting for the doctor and an X-ray. 🙄

I added Español into the mix, which got my partner into Duolingo as well. This is the closest we've come to "gaming" together since I quit! She's gotten really into it. She took Spanish in high school so it's something she's already familiar with. It's been a good distraction for her from her depression. I look forward to exchanging some phrases en Español!! Perhaps we can even get our daughter to catch the polyglot bug as well haha. Honestly the thought of Minecraft has been tempting lately... So I think I might buy a set of Legos. I made some extra money babysitting (which is so fun and fulfilling, probably the best work I can possibly do... If I was capable of working full-time I'd work in childcare!) so I think that's a good thing to spend it on. It's something me and my partner can do together. She really misses playing Minecraft with me and it's about the closest analog equivalent there is! Our relationship has been kinda sucky lately so I'm looking for ways to reconnect. Even if romantically it doesn't work out in the end I want to be able to remain friends and be good co-parents. My parents divorce has really got me thinking about the future of this relationship... And a lot of the time it feels inevitable that we will split up some day. But I want to make the most of the time we spend together at the very least. If we could truly rekindle our flame that would be awesome!

So glad to have you back on the wagon with us!!

Yes, I have dealt with this before. Too much of any good thing becomes bad. At night I recommend trading podcasts for white noise, and during the day I recommend only listening to those podcasts you're truly invested in. Set a specific time when you're allowed to listen, such as when doing work, it's not about time duration but about a specific activity. Whatever activity you can think of where podcasts distract you the least, that's a good time for it. For me I listen to things when I'm drawing or cleaning my house. Otherwise I generally prefer silence actually, but that's because I have sensory issues. I tend to listen to music in the car or on the bus, which is also an acceptable time for me to listen to a podcast. A time it's not acceptable is when I'm interacting with others, especially my partner and/or daughter. Connections to other people triumph all things. So unless I'm listening with that person and that's the specific activity we're doing, that's a time I absolutely do not listen to podcasts. It's good that you're working through this with a therapist! And since you've found you can't find any resources online about this issue, I encourage you to be the first 😉

When I get cravings I take it out on Duolingo. Since it's so gamified it satisfies the urges but it's also objectively helping me learn something. I find myself remembering relevant phrases as I go about my day and thinking them or saying them aloud to myself! Currently I'm actually tackling 3 courses: Hebrew, which is my main focus and my non-negotiable language to study at least a few minutes every day. Japanese, which I took in high school so it's my strongest 2nd language, it's helpful for refreshing what I know and injecting some new vocab. And German, which my brother took in high school, so I have a very basic foundation of that language to go on. He had taught me everything he learned so we had fun with that, and now the language feels really easy to re-learn. The irony of those 3 languages being what they are doesn't escape me. (If you know what I mean, then you know what I mean lol.)

Thank all of you so much for the support 💕 it really means a lot to me. From a phone call with my mom today, it sounds like she is gaining the strength and perseverance she needs to get through this without falling back into my dad's BS. I had linked her an article about Narcissism and trauma bonding and it sounds like she really took it to heart, which is really reassuring for me. My dad isn't taking any of this seriously enough, he's arrogantly assuming they're just taking a break and things will go back to normal soon enough. Thankfully he's still working towards moving into the other house even though he has this attitude about it. She even told him "once we're separated, even though it won't be on paper yet, consider us divorced." I think if there's even the slightest chance of my father ever being a decent person, it's through losing my mom. He needs to face REAL, permanent consequences to his actions! Unfortunately most Narcissists do not recover due to the nature of the disorder, they can't see themselves as having done anything wrong, they will even completely disassociate themselves from any mistakes they make. He might just blame her for everything in the end. Not currently having any cravings, that comes as a huge relief.

Mad cravings for Animal Crossing lately. It's almost as if I feel out of control of my life and want to run away to an easy happy fantasy life? Hahaha...

There's something I really need to get off my chest... and normally I get things off my chest at my Narcotics Anonymous meetings but this time I can't. Both of my parents are recovering addicts, many people in my NA circles know my parents, I can't discuss this without breaking their anonymity. But on here, nobody knows me or my family irl, so I'm gonna vent to y'all. My parents are separating... That is, at least I hope they are. It's so unbelievably complicated. Long story coming up... My dad has a history of emotionally cheating on my mom. We do not know if he has ever physically cheated on her, as in full-blown adultery, but he claims he hasn't. I have my doubts but no evidence to back that up. We really genuinely have no idea. He is currently pursuing a member of his rock band, a woman whom I originally thought was lovely. She happens to also be blind, which we think has something to do with his interest in her. Unfortunately she has also self-admitted interest in him. She told my mom she wanted to "share" him... My mom is extremely traditional about relationships and is very very jealous. My dad is also a Narcissist. I don't say that flippantly, I genuinely believe my father has NPD as a result of the severe trauma he endured growing up and exacerbated by the trauma of being homeless for a decade as a young adult. He exhibits all of the symptoms. He is like a poster child for NPD. Either way though he is very, diagnosably, mentally ill and frankly straight up abusive. He abused me growing up and continues to abuse my mom. Physical abuse was frequent for me, infrequent but present towards my mom. Constant mental and emotional abuse towards both of us. My mom has Stockholm syndrome, that's the best way I can put it. She never had a good model of a healthy relationship and every single relationship she's ever been in has been toxic. Some of it is even her fault. She is extremely possessive and literally goes through my dad's computer and phone which is why we even know he's cheating. I don't support snooping in a healthy relationship but given her suspicions constantly being correct I can't really blame her either... When my mom is separated from my dad is when she is at her mental healthiest, such as when either of them travels without the other. I would say my mom is generally a pretty good person, but the people she chooses to date bring out the worst in her. Unfortunately she has been with my father for nearly 30 years now, and they only got into a long term relationship because she fell pregnant with me about a month into their fling. The only reason they're even in the process of separating right now is because my dad really blew it, and in front of several people too. My mom was sharing at her AA meeting at the recovery hall they both run together. She was talking about resentments in a way where she was talking about my dad but without saying or inferring it was about him. He spoke next and said "This marriage is over, I want a divorce." He's already backtracking and trying not to lose her completely, because he needs his mommy slash punching bag, but she's taking it very seriously. Unfortunately I can tell from the way she talks about it that she doesn't expect this separation to last forever. He's moving into a room at said recovery club (the building is actually a house) but that's only down the street from their house. My mom is calling it a "trial separation" and says it will last at least a few months. She wants him to come to his own conclusions about the future of their relationship without her influence. Unfortunately my father has said that if he had to choose between the woman he's flirting with now and my mom, he'd choose my mom. I hate that. I am so sick of him using and abusing her. My mom is actually aware that he is abusive and a narcissist, and she is asking everyone she tells about this stuff to pray that she is strong enough to resist him when he turns up the charm. I can tell though from the way she talks about these things that she doesn't believe she is strong enough. She has never known anything but the cycle of abuse, as f----d as it is that's what's familiar and "comfortable" for her. I am stressed sick about the idea of this all being for nothing, just another case of me getting my hopes up only to be hopelessly disappointed. My mom always talks about "when your dad finally drops dead" and shit like that, and it's obvious from the way he treats her he isn't happy either, literally BOTH of them are better off without each other. I don't think my dad ever wanted to be with my mom and only stayed to help raise me, and I was worse off for it lmao. Best case of them not divorcing is they continue to live separately, not just separate bedrooms but separate dwellings, even if they rekindle a romantic relationship. Best case overall would be if they divorced and he moved away completely though. The thing I hate most about this actually is how it's making me realize how unsustainable the relationship I am in is. And it's nowhere near as toxic as my parents' relationship... It's mostly because I can't deal with how severe and chronic my partner's depression is. If things don't change drastically I know we are destined to divorce. I am holding onto a tiny thread of hope and the fact that my daughter truly is better off with both of us under the same roof. (My partner would be devastated if she read this so I pray she never does...)

I really enjoy shutting my phone off on Shabbat. I don't avoid all technology like frum Jews do but it's still way more restful when I don't have this thing glued to my hand lol!!

Well I finally hit a paywall on Rosetta Stone and it was worse than I expected 😞 Pretty much locked me out of most things after that. I've been combining Duolingo with physical flashcards and that's been pretty good for what I need! I don't actually care about learning conversational Hebrew, I just want to better understand what I'm saying when I pray in Hebrew lol.

Yes there is a free component and it's really good actually! There's no popup ads or anything either which is really nice. I think it just limits how far you can progress each day which is fine by me I'm busy AF lol! I haven't actually hit any paywalls yet idk what premium even gives you!

I've been trying Rosetta Stone, and so far I like it! It uses the immersion method too, but there's more of a focus on realistic sentences and grammar than with Duolingo. I think I will actually use both together, because I like the Duolingo aleph-bet lessons. I will only pay for one or the other though, if I decide to pay for either of them.

As embarrassing as it is, I think it's important to admit when we know we're wrong. ...Tonight at shul I was able to read Hebrew as well as I used to before I left. (I had taken an in-person intro to Hebrew class before as part of my conversion classes.) So clearly I DID learn SOMETHING from Duolingo. If all else fails I'll download it again. I'd still prefer to find something less "gamey" (with a good free version would be great! Lol) but for the sake of my education I'll just take whatever works. It feels so liberating when those symbols turn into letters in my brain! Just like every time I continue to be pleased by my ability to read/understand some Japanese, I got a huge thrill from actually being able to read along on the Hebrew side of the page instead of the transliteration!! I feel so silly about this whole thing. Maybe the amount of relapse dreams I'm having is just making me extra paranoid about falling into anything I consider bad.

I didn't even realize the source of that article was in competition with Duolingo! Sometimes I miss things like that, even if it's obvious, because I'm too focused on one thing. Bias is definitely an important thing to recognize. Still, it made me feel like the criticisms I had were valid ones. It really is too "game-y" for me. If it really came down to it though, something might still be better than nothing... I've been trying out a few other apps here and there, when I settle on something (or give up entirely... Lol) I'll give an update on my situation. Had another gaming dream last night, and I found myself rationalizing "moderation" in that dream as well. As if that has ever worked for me! Relieved as hell that wasn't real!

I take back the positive things I said about Duolingo. Over the past several days of studying I have felt like it isn't really teaching me anything that's going to stick in my head long-term. Especially because upon returning I remembered a lot of words from before and that kinda rubbed me the wrong way. If I could remember them in this context, why not outside of it? So I decided to investigate this... and yeah it's pretty much useless. So I'm going to quit it and try to find something else. Thankfully I didn't give them any of my money this time around. So basically I just wasted good chunks of my time the last few days GAMING. Infuriating! But I'm not really going to hold that against myself because it's not like I really meant to, I was trying to study a language ffs.

Oh, here's another victory to celebrate, I can't believe I haven't mentioned this yet!: Since quitting gaming, my "N24 sleep disorder" symptoms have VANISHED! For my entire life I have always struggled with sleep, but little did I realize there is a direct correlation between my gaming habits and sleep habits. Even after having a baby, (babies thrive on consistent routines,) I still managed to struggle with my sleep schedule rotating around the clock. Every 2 weeks or so I'd flip back and forth between nocturnal and diurnal, my body seemed to run on a 25 hour clock no matter what I tried. School was HELL for me because of this. But when my daughter was 10 months old I quit, and slowly but surely my sleep schedule has fallen in line with hers. My father also has this messed up sleep pattern... But my father has also been a gaming addict my entire life. Even back when the internet and games were far less addictive! It's in his blood though, he's also a recovering junkie. It's sad and ironic he can recognize the problem he had with drugs, he's been sober over 25 years, but he can't recognize the problem he continues to have with gaming. So this thing I assumed to be genetic and incurable... Turned out to be a misdiagnosis, at least I assume so. I think people with real N24 would not be cured by quitting any addictions including screen-based ones. And listen... I still "abuse" caffeine and sometimes it keeps me up longer than I'd like. I still have a toddler that wakes me up to breastfeed in the middle of the night. I still have an overactive bladder that gets me up 1-3 times a night. I still have anxiety and PTSD that keeps my brain racing before I eventually fall asleep. I STILL stay on my PHONE in bed (albeit with a blue light filter, etc) until I finally get so exhausted I can't read anymore! I still struggle to go to bed at precisely the same time every night. And I still struggle to wake up in the morning. BUT with all of that said! MY SLEEP NO LONGER CYCLES AROUND THE CLOCK. I NO LONGER FEEL LIKE MY BODY HAS A 25 HOUR CLOCK!!! I fall asleep between 10pm and midnight 90% of the time. I haven't fallen asleep later than 2am in AGES, and the last time that happened I was talking my wife through one of her really suicidal episodes. I wake up between 5:30am and 8am pretty much every single day. My toddler doesn't give me a lot of choice in the matter to be fair, but I don't often just go right back to sleep for 4+ hours after she's somebody else's problem, either. The latest I have slept in in the last year has been 10:30am. I seldom nap. I generally feel adequately rested, at least as much as a mom of a crazy breastfeeding toddler can feel!!! Quitting gaming has improved EVERY aspect of my life. And I still have struggles, I still have other addictions I'm working through, I'm not anywhere near perfect. But good God, the changes not gaming have made in my life rivals the changes not using drugs have made! Today I am incredibly grateful to be game-free, sober, and always trying to be better.