Ikar

I feel the same. I wasn't happy with the quarantine measures the government took (I wouldn't care less if this was 2 years ago deep in my addiction), though it struck me they waived them quite quickly compared to how drastic they were at first. I'm happy to go out and socialize again, but it felt a bit strange. I remember my first time (that I did it well, so it was like the fifth time total 😄 ). Words can't suffice. I felt one with the whole universe. If having sex is like driving a car, then masturbating is like riding a tricycle in comparison. I think there are a few rare examples (like myself) who came on here and are clean since, although I had some attempts at combating my addiction before I came on here. Some people bounce back, some don't. It's a fact of life that it takes a few times to change bad / instill good behavior. Masturbation is a good example in me personally. P. S. I noticed you confuse where/were at times, leaving a stain on your otherwise eloquent style!

Day 446: I worked on the GIS project, did Forex, worked out, visited my grandma, had an English class and went to an English event in the evening. Day 447: I had an English class, took a nap, worked on the GIS project, planned my next week, did Duolingo and visited the shooting range to get the gun license. --- Today I shot a gun after two years. It was great. I made my weekly % on Forex on Wednesday, so I decided to take a break for the rest of the week. The last week I made it by Wednesday as well, but I got greedy and lost my profit by Friday. I learnt my lesson. I find I have more time recently, so I can pick up more projects and start meditating. Most noticeably I went ham on masturbating, so I need more things to work on to weed it out again. Gratitude: I'm grateful for women. You make the world even more interesting than it already is.

I couldn't do anything other than sleep for 8 hours straight to save my life, except for sleep. Even when I worked in the warehouse, the tasks at least changed from time to time. The time I can fully immerse in something by myself is about 3 hours at maximum, then I need to relax/eat/drink or otherwise divert myself.

I'm in Forex for the past few months and I have to say one of the advantages of it is that I get to set how much I want to make and indirectly how much time do I want to spend on it. Sometimes it's ironic that I can make more the more time I am away. I'm still trying to grip the idea that it's my decision how much I want to make and how much time I want to spend on it. Compounding is a beast as well. I made my weekly % the last week on Wednesday, just to lose it by Friday. This week I made it by Wednesday as well, but I am smarter and I will stay off the charts until Monday. The second business idea I currently put on hold focuses on building a firm for passive income over the span of several years. I want to do well in Forex (and perhaps have a few apprentices I could teach myself) first before I head into this though. I sometimes think of this as well. I feel that most people could have it better if they tried at least remotely, but it seems that most of them just want to crash with their head into the same wall again and again. Then I become arrogant in my thoughts, which scares me as I know that feeling of superiority all too well from when I was gaming. Regardless of that, I think I am a positive, forgiving and stable presence to others in real life and I take out that contradiction on myself in my spare time. Even though it sounds paradoxical that I think do better in life than most (whatever I mean by that), this is the solution for me as well. I feel I let my emotions crash me from wall to wall too much lately and neither too much positive or negative emotion is good for self control. It's substituting the feeling of serene peace I used to experience more regularly before. I don't think so, because you can have several such activities and you can juggle them through different days. Besides, there are only 24 hours a day even if you don't go to work 8 hours a day.

Day 444: I mapped out my thoughts, did Forex, worked on the GIS project, did the laundry, hopped around with basketball, did groceries, visited a seminar on creative writing, hanged out with an acquaintance and attended frisbee night. Day 445: I slept in a bit, cleaned my room, did Forex, sorted out my photos, hopped around with basketball, worked out, worked on the GIS project, worked on a task in the business idea Mk 2, went for a walk, read and went for a dinner with a friend. --- The creative writing seminar was fun. I randomly created a futuristic sci-fi story intro with orbital stations, newts and Earth in disarray. I saw and talked to "Girl A" three days in a row. Gratitude: I'm grateful for the experience of older people than I am, as I will be old one day as well.

I'm with you especially on those goals I bolded out, I want to get started on them as well. All of them sound great!

It's interesting, but it works that way. I can see that visibly in every article that I wrote on my blog. I guess the biggest question then is what determines which channels of information you decide to consume, though I don't believe that it's a rational choice. I thought of a point once that quitting gaming was actually the irrational choice for me - that I was giving up something I was good at, that it was fun and that I've been doing it for a long time. Good luck with the woman!

I worked out in my room as well, but it wasn't as fun, so I am happy that the gym is open for quite a while now. That said, I didn't work out properly in three days, as yesterday I got a diarrhea after my first set, so I decided to create some stretching exercises as well, as I don't normally do them.

I get it. I was curious whether I guessed the reason right. You feel as if she lied to you about herself out of insecurity about her body, even though you didn't know at the beginning events would unfold the way they did. I'm in support of you trying to force the video earlier the next time. Nothing beats meeting/dating in person, though I understand that might be particularly risky in the US nowadays.

Day 443: I did a couple of minor things, took a nap, went for a walk, read, stretched in the gym, worked on the GIS project, wrote here and went for a walk with "Girl A".

Did the girl turn out to look different than you thought? It's your call, but if you enjoyed your time with her before (which you did according to your entries) and still think she has potential as a person, you could give it a second chance and perhaps meet her in person, to gauge her energy. You already gave this issue enough energy to derail your whole next day and made yourself think that your life is shit, whereas this option I am thinking of seems at least remotely constructive.

I mostly plan only activities that I do with others (including exams and business), so while I hit the gym only "when I feel like it", I usually hit it every other day 🙂 Good for you! I did drink, but it just reminded me of how annoying the effects of it are afterwards. The girls on my party were overall in a weird/depressed mood for whatever reason, with small stretches where they would party harder than guys. It was interesting to observe that 😄

Welcome back. I wouldn't worry about the "immediate" fallout that hits every gaming addict after they quit. I think the biggest "events" that happened two weeks after I quit gaming were that my X stopped communicating with me completely and that I got fired from my post-office job, because I wanted an irregular schedule/work hours. Take ownership of your problems and solve them, but don't get worked up over the fact you created them in the first place, because you were different a year or two ago and had different priorities.

Day 440: I had an English class in the morning, wrote, watched a Peterson video (it seems he's recovering from his health issues), drummed with the band, went for a dinner in the evening and took a walk afterwards. Day 441: I watched a Zoom recording about the business idea, planned my next week, finished the big report and drove over by car to "Girl A" 's cottage with a few other people. Day 442: We returned, I wrote here, did the laundry and went out for a walk. --- The party was nice. It wasn't too crazy nor too boring. I expected it to be a bit bigger; in the end, some 15 people arrived. I also drove for two and a half hours in both days, so it was exhausting as well. I succeeded in not ejaculating for 10 days as I wanted to. I plan to spend the whole day today relaxing and focusing on myself.

Thanks! They are all obviously great bands, though the guys already had some concepts/incomplete songs even before I came and they were curious how'd they sound with drums. The real issues are whether I am musically curious enough (to research and come up with something, which would require actively listening to songs) and how seriously do I want to take this (I'm up for playing at concerts and improving my style, but I do not plan to become a music star) and whether that meets their expectations or not. It's strange that even sometimes doing nothing is the right choice and better than doing something. It turns out creative boredom is a thing. I read somewhere (maybe even here on the forum) that real "forces of nature" such as sex are appealing for us to have control over them completely, but I believe they are meant to be partly uncontrollable. Dealing with the animal inside us is always difficult, but we'd be gods otherwise. I'm happy about the fact that I am progressing. I remember telling my X I'd quit masturbating completely, because I'd have sex with her, although I don't think we met often enough/regularly enough to make that work. I did 13 days "clean" before. I suppose I could push it to two weeks nowadays, especially if I set up some mechanisms with my future GF that I'd call her/contact her/do something nice for her every time I feel horny and then enjoy the fact I managed to hold out. I think it'd be rewarding for both of us. I'll check out the app, thanks for that 🙂

7 X 7 X 7 - differences It's been over 21 months since I quit the army, over 14 months since I quit gaming and nearly 7 months since I started living at the dormitory. It's time for another big update. I went through my previous monthly reports and picked out the areas of my life I focus/focused on. --- Exercise/movement: I started going to the dormitory gym on 31st December. I started out small, doing 15 grip "over" and 15 grip "under" pull-ups and 100 sit-ups. For comparison, nowadays I regularly do 35 pull-ups of both kind, 150 crunches/sit-ups, 150 Russian twists and 50 push-ups. I cycle more often (approximately 20km a week now), sometimes hop around with the basketball and take walks to the park when I read. I am happy with my current physique, I think it's actually the best it's ever been. I know there are ways to be more efficient, so I'll look into diet and exercises with someone more competent, as well as some exercises for my legs. I want to pick up a martial art as well. Reading: I read 8 books during this time of various topics - dating, psychology, philosophy or finance. I think reading is the habit that goes out of the window first whenever I feel I need to prioritize something else. Regardless, I want to start taking notes when I read. Family: I get to see all of my family (mom, dad, brother, grandma) every week. I think mom and dad handled the transition caused by my departure well. They argue sometimes, but it seems to be that healthy kind of arguing that keeps the relationship alive and that solves problems rather than causing them. My brother seems happy with his girlfriend and my grandma is happy the family sticks together and that she sees us regularly. I think my family respects me more overall and understands when/how I need to assert myself. University: This semester, I passed all but one exam during the exam term, so now there's just that and one nearly-finished project to be completed. I did a good job catching up onto home-works during the semester. I think the preparation during the exam term could've been better, however it was challenging to set the priorities straight to satisfy all the areas of my life. I'm happy with how I did overall. I want to keep the habit of spending one morning a week during the semester on uni stuff. Drumming: Last month, I went drumming a couple of times with my two band-members. I feel as if I already got better at playing the drums than I was before couple of years ago. The only issue here might be the genre, as I think we sometimes play too many doomy-gloomy, melancholic and unhappy songs. I want to push for something more positive and/or more energetic. Forex: I started three months ago, half of the time I spent on demo and now I am on real. On real, I was anywhere between 90%-130% of my initial investment the past 6 weeks and right now I'm sitting at 100%. Honestly, Forex is a great emotional health check. I'm employing a longer-term strategy, where I check the charts each hour (though I obviously sleep for 7-8 hours and I don't have mobile Internet) and if the conditions are met, I enter a trade that might potentially last a few days. Sometimes I lose even though I am disciplined, but it's a better loss than if I was stressing out the whole time and broke the rules I want to play by. I think it actually fits my life philosophy nicely, so I think I have a good shot at being good at it. It's not the money I make, it's the money I keep. At a job, I also waited for a paycheck for a month, so the same logic applies here. English teaching: I had a lot of classes in November/December. I couldn't find anything that fit my criteria afterwards, so I got the trade license, got the website up and CV struck afterwards. I am currently running one class for volunteers charitably and I have another one I get paid for well. I like teaching English, though I feel I have accepted it can't be a great focus of mine currently, because I can't control how many classes I get (or not) and because I can't control how much an employer is willing to pay me. I already handed out quite a few business cards to interesting people I met at the class. I accept that I have to keep it small scale for the time being. Writing/GQ forum: I write here (reports like these), I started writing a blog on 31st December (5 articles thus far), wrote my business website and I wrote a bit of Self-authoring. I didn't write anything in the past two months besides a report or two. To clarify, I mean this in the context of writing just for writing itself or "active" writing. I mostly do "reactive" writing - I react on somebody else's post/topic/message. I am going to shift the balance, meaning I will post less and not sub to any more new threads, but I'll keep checking/posting in the ones I already posted in and post more on my blog. I think "active" writing is more rewarding, as it forces me to think actively, whereas "reactive" writing means merely stating my current opinion and there's no novelty involved. If I discuss something with someone, it's better to do it in person anyway. I'll be more than happy to exchange PMs though, especially if they'll be as eloquent as the ones @gargamel sent me recently, so you know what to do if you want to provoke me 😄 Being social: I talk to people more nowadays and I often face the choice of forgoing one event for another. Before that, everyone I could realistically get in contact more often than once a week were my parents. I knew I had to start my social life from the scratch when I quit games. It took me a while, but I got the vibe I couldn't do that without moving from my parents in the suburbs, as all there is is just one pub. Another small shift I noticed recently was that I actively started to get invited to events, although I am aware it's still necessary to break the ice sometimes and try something new. Minor areas (currently): Gun license: I'm setting this up. Got the papers in and I should start in two weeks. I want to get back into it because I loved the activity when I was in the army and I kept on talking about doing it after I left it. The time has come. Spending a day on the shooting range a month sounds great. Russian: I am on Duolingo with a streak of 280, but while I enjoy the randomness of doing it just because I can, I'm also unsure what exactly am I going to do with it and I've been like that for a while. I'm going to quit it on 5th August, unless I find a purpose for it. Business idea Mk 2: This has the potential to make great money (read: give me a lot of time to do whatever I like in the more distant future, because money rules in democracy) just like Forex. I want to start working on this again once I can make this a priority again. --- Related thoughts: Men and women: I don't write about my friendships with men a lot, but I think it'll do them some justice if I spend a paragraph regarding these here. Part of the reason why is because they are stable and I can count on them if needed, even if I see guy X "only" once a month or so. They have this stabilization effect for me, even if they bring in something novel every now and then. I can reach this state even with women I am not interested in romantically, though it's generally too much hassle to reach that state because of the sex difference and blurry lines. I have a whole different system of relating to women I am interested in romantically. The most interesting thing is that if a man and a woman would objectively behave the same way/did the same thing, what I would consider a weakness in a man could be a a desirable trait for me in a woman and vice versa. Masturbation: It's been a strugglebus, but I think I made some progress in at least cutting the number of times I masturbate. I'm holding strong on ejaculation though. I think it'll be like with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Meditation: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. Gratitude: I noticed I became more grateful in some areas, though I get cocky at times, but mostly when I am alone. I plan to mark down a thing or two in each entry that I am grateful for, preferably something original and non-repetitive. --- Closing thoughts: The overall analysis I gather from the bold text (goals/action plans) is that I need to be comfortable spending more time on my own without any distractions. I'd rather be bored than to do something I don't find useful and have no real justification for doing it. Another interesting point is that I notice more things are naturally coming to me rather than me having to chase them all the time (hunter X fisher mentality).

I guess the bosses don't know themselves yet. I think it's good she was proactive and at contacted them at the very least. Good luck! I wouldn't worry about it. New things wouldn't get old if some attrition didn't happen to them. My car is low-sitting and I sometimes manage to skirt pavements when I am parking, but at least my mechanic has something to do when I visit him every couple of months 🙂

Day 438: I finalized moving to the new room, watched a Forex stream, worked out, wrote my friends and went to an English speaking event. I joined a group of 16-18 years olds playing board-games and they were all quite energetic and curious, so we had a good time. Day 439: I worked on Duolingo, figured out how to do reverse tethering from PC cable internet to my phone, watched a Forex stream, chatted with "Girl A" about the event during the weekend, took a nap (it's scorching here and my body doesn't take that well, so I assume I got sick from too much sun), visited my grandma, taught an English class and worked out.

Day 437: I worked on Duolingo, then on my big report, spent some time on Forex, wrote my friends, worked out, went for a walk and read. In the evening, I moved most of my things from my current room to another, as there's some reorganization going on, but I should spend the next year in the same (currently new) room.

Thanks! I have actually another one coming in the next few days 🙂 I wrote all those statements a couple of months ago and I keep re-posting them each time in the monthly report, as I found out they are good to remember. Though it sounds paradoxical, I need to keep working on just being in the present moment. I think just a few years ago, I'd scoff at anything that would be written in the same ethereal undertone you use on a regular basis (or that I used in those few sentences), but nowadays I can't help but feel they are damn wonderful and delicate. Thank you for being here.

Day 436: I finished my monthly report, did some paperwork regarding the gun license, wrote to my friends, worked on the big report, cooked and attended the philosophy seminar. I cycled about 20 kilometers today as well.

Have you thought of doing plain old push-ups? I'm not a fan of lifting weights, as long as I can exercise well enough with my own body.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 6/6/20 - 28/6/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. --- Books: L: Finish reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" and start reading "On the Genealogy of Morality". T: I finished "Rich Dad Poor Dad". Another great book that explains how money works in a simple yet effective manner. I started reading "On the Genealogy of Morality". N: Finish reading "On the Genealogy of Morality". Start a notebook where I write the main points from the books I read. English - Personal + Business: L: The classes should run up until June. I'll see what I can come up with my friend. T: I am still teaching the two classes. They should be running through the summer as well. I also went went to the English outdoor. N: My volunteer class is growing. I don't expect to get/create any more classes during the summer. I am going to be sending out CVs in the beginning/mid August to check what's available in the city, as most courses start in September/October. Family: L: - T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week. N: - University: L: Nail those exams. That includes the GIS project, though it's the last thing to do. T: I have to retake one exam in late July, but it's all good! The GIS project is likely the next thing to be done in the next 2 weeks. N: Win. Being social: L: - T: There's very few restrictions still in place, most of them got canceled. That said, I seldom go out just to go out. I like when meetings have an agenda, like speaking in English or philosophy, rather than a random get-together of people. N: - Exercise/movement: L: I want to bench 50 kg the next month, I am currently on 30 kg. Getting to do pull-ups in series of 7 or 8 would be nice as well. T: I get to the gym at least three times a week and sometimes I take the basketball for a spin instead. I started doing push-ups instead of lifting weights at the bench. I did 7 or 8 pull-up series a couple of times too. N: I want to become more consistent with push-ups. I didn't like the exercise historically. I also want to come up with a good leg workout, as the only exercises I know are lunges and squats. Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (278 days streak). Forex: L: I stick with the same FX streamer/educator for over a month now and I actually made a couple of % on my real account. I've been quite aggressive employing the strategy this week, as I grew more confident. Keep doing what I'm doing. If I keep making these small % over a couple of months or even a year (and keep getting better), it's the way to go. T: The raw data is that in these 6 weeks I've been anywhere between 90% and 130% of my investment, while I am currently sitting a bit over 100% (breaking even). I think I can make this work for me. N: The most important thing is to keep it together and not get stressed by other events in my life, keep on being disciplined and let emotions get into the equation as least as possible. Business idea: L: I got involved in one business idea outside of Forex. I'll see how this goes. T: I decided to stop this endeavor for the time being, at least until I've dealt with exams and became a bit better at handling Forex, both mentally and time-wise. N: I'm still interested in this, although more for the skill-set involved rather than the financial side of things. Women/dating: L: The paragraphs below are about "Girl A": The story is in fact pretty simple. I got talking to her about a month ago, she liked my blog and we went for a walk a few times. We share some of our past, hobbies, opinions etc. I became increasingly attracted to her thanks to that. We also share some general guidelines on how to behave in the future. The "issue" here is that she dates one Erasmus guy and it's something I've known since I met her. I have a lot of thoughts, speculations and hypotheses, but regardless I think the best idea for me is to detach and become comfortable with the situation I've never been in. Relax. Do everything I normally do. It is what brought my attention to her and her attention to mine after all. Experience is what counts. I'm in control and everything is fine 🙂 I am still writing with "Girl A" every now and then, even though we didn't manage to meet for a few weeks. I think she's apprehensive towards meeting me alone or attending events where I would be the only one she knows initially, because she has a boyfriend after all. I understand the behavior and I wouldn't want any of us to do anything stupid, as long as everybody involved is relatively happy. She invited me to a few events herself, but I wasn't able to attend as they were fairly last-minute and I had plans already. I also started writing with "Girl T" the past week. I remember meeting her back on one of the English-speaking sessions back in January/February/March and we chatted for a while, although I would assume she was not interested in me from the interaction. So when her friend requested landed the last week, I initially didn't know who she was, so I asked her that and I had to reminisce for half an hour before I figured it out. We got chatting afterwards. Life's strange. T: "Girl A" and I met up once and she returned me the book about relationships I lent her. She is very introspective about her relationship patterns and keeps the conversation logical and impersonal. She doesn't whine. I'm arriving to some conclusions myself now that I know her, some of her thoughts and my relationship with my X. It's intriguing and terrifying at the same time. "Girl T" didn't reply for three weeks now, so that thread is dead. N: I want to talk to "Girl A" again to share my conclusions. I'm going to do that this weekend. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: none Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: gun license --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 434: I planned the next week, wrote the exam, hopped around with basketball, took a nap (I didn't feel well after spending some time outside in the heat), I started writing my longer report and I played with the band in the evening. Day 435: I worked on my longer report, visited my family, did some shopping and worked out.

This made me think. I'm sure I'd have sex to strengthen the existing bond between me and the woman and to officially "kick off" the monogamous relationship. As for masturbating + ejaculating on my own, I think I need the discipline to not go overboard with it, but not to completely lock it out either. It's the same with any biological need like eating or drinking. I think I am doing very well as far as masturbation goes for the past three weeks and I can't think of an instance where I ejaculated more than three times a week.