ElectroNugget

DAY 85: Only five days till I hit 90 days! How nuts is that? ? I'm super blasted right now, these past few days have been really stressful trying to arrange places in CPH, but in the end it seems my stress made me do my job TOO well, now I've got 6 places to see in the next two days, and I had to turn down quite a few others because I just had too many offers... So, I guess that's good? To be fair, I worked really hard on it and spent a lot of time on Monday and Tuesday on it. More than I usually would I think. So, I guess even though I did get all worked up, and it was really stressful and awful, I was still really productive, pushed through the pain and did what needed to be done. A good thing maybe? I just need to manage my fucking stress better. Today I meditated again for the first time in months and it felt really good, and then I went and made a full schedule for the rest of the week so I could lay out my tasks in a clear way, and that helped too... So yeah, I just need to make sure I do these things. And start doing them all the time, not just when I'm about to hit breaking point. So, off to Copenhagen tomorrow to look at these places! Hopefully one of them will stick, and then I'll basically be able to chill for the next month or so. Fingers crossed.

I went through severe anxiety and panic attacks a while back that put me in hospital at one point! They're awful! But eventually I learned how to deal with the anxiety in my own terms. I still feel anxious sometimes but it's a lot better. All I can say is: exercise! That's a great start for me at least. When you're super anxious you have all this excess energy and adrenaline flowing through you, and it has to go somewhere. Either you can roll into a little ball in bed and let it express itself by driving your heart and brain into a frenzy, or you can get up and do fucking jumping jacks and burpees at 2AM until you're so out of breath you want to puke. Who gives a shit if you look or feel ridiculous, it'll make you feel better by channeling some of that energy elsewhere and tiring you out so you can calm the fuck down. Otherwise, therapy definitely helps. Do you know the serenity prayer? That got me through some tough spots.

Welcome to the forums man! Good luck on your journey. It’s gonna be tough, but it will be very much worth it, trust me. ?

Anxiety is super tough to deal with man, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, so sorry to hear you have to battle with it. On the flip side, it sounds like you’re making progress in a lot of areas, so that’s great, keep it up and keep posting here. I find the accountability of the journal keeps me on track. Stay frosty.

Keep fighting dude! I’m trying to adopt this mindset as well, nice to see it elsewhere. Good luck with your battle man.

Boredom is part of the problem, but I think the real killer is that when we’re bored we tend to think, and thinking too much is never helpful. ? At least not in my case. I’ve realized that what I really miss about gaming, perhaps more than anything, is the ability to get into that flow state immediately and just forget who you are while playing. It’s learning to live with ourselves (and our thoughts) that’s so uncomfortable when we take that away. Don’t be afraid to draw in public! When I was at drawing school, we were encouraged to go out and draw from life as often as possible. Coffee shops are a great place to absorb a nice atmosphere, and you have loads of people you can draw in there. Naturally, some people will want to come over and see what you’re drawing, but that’s half the fun! And you’d be surprised how positive they’ll be about even very amateur work, most people are just really happy to see someone try to draw them. Now that I think about it, it’s really something I should do more.

Care to expand on this @Ikar? This interests me. Think in what way? DAY 82 - 84: Sorry for the absence again guys, I’ve had a weird couple of days tbh. ? After I beat my 40hr goal I had to take a first aid course for my driving lesson on Sunday, so I had to get up really early again to get to the lesson on time. Then when I got there it turned out there had been a scheduling error, and the lesson was cancelled. Very annoying. Luckily I went and spent the rest of the day playing dnd with some friends as they had a session going, but with all the activity the past week, I ended up completely exhausted by the time I got home on Sunday, and have kind of coasted into this week in the same state. This week I decided I really need to get moving finding an apartment in Copenhagen. My course at the university starts on the 22nd of August, and Copenhagen is a notoriously difficult city to find student housing in. So I’ve spent the last two days in a haze clicking through Facebook and various online roommate sites, etc, trying to find a pad. It’s been very stressful! Everything else has kind of fallen by the wayside and I’ve stopped doing my good habits, my brain turned to mush by the stress of it all. This is just another example that I’m not very good at managing my stress when it comes. Usually I’d game to unwind, now I just get uptight and stop brushing my teeth and tidying up, etc. Clearly I need to learn to handle it better. So I’ll try to remember this when this saga is over. I’ve lined up a few places to visit which I’ll see Thursday and Friday, and I’m hoping I can close the deal on one of them. Then I won’t have to worry about it until next month when I actually have to move in, and I can enjoy the rest of the summer and finish my portfolio with peace of mind. I’ve decided that the next thing that has to go definitely has to be YouTube, Netflix and Reddit. And hopefully with that, electronics from the bedroom. I get to thinking it’s amazing how much time I spend on these things, when just twenty years ago none of this existed. Humans have done without the distractions of electronics most of their history, hopefully I can learn to do the same.

Thanks for the feedback guys. @NannerZ Thanks man. It's good to know I'm not alone. I think you're right in that without gaming I don't have a way to deal with negative emotions properly. And I am also very lonely and isolated without a job. Guess it's natural to feel down at the moment. @fawn_xoxo Thanks fawn! Really good advice here. I'll look into getting my hands on some of those worksheets. @Ikar Thing is, I'm no longer sure I want to be an artist. Or at least, I would love to be an artist, but I don't feel like the stress, fear and pain is worth it. I also became an artist in order to work on videogames, so that's doubly weird now. My portfolio feels like my last gasp at being an artist tbh. That said, I love this: Sometimes you got to remember the hell you would be in if you had not decided to quit. Fuck man, I need to tattoo that somewhere, really important thing to remind myself of when I'm down. Thanks. DAY 81: I fucking did it, 40 hours of drawing this week! Truly a huge goal for me to smash, it feels really good to know that I have finally figured out how to be productive on my own while beholden to no one but myself. I've struggled with personal responsibility and productivity my whole life, and now I finally managed it. I can look back on this week and actually know that I accomplished a lot on my own for once. Hopefully, this is just the first of many such victories to come. So today I had more driving theory, and then I went to work even though it was a Saturday, and finished another piece. Fucking awesome. I've completed four this week, nearly five. The total amount I'm aiming for is 14, so that's huge, really much faster than I anticipated. Apparently I really can apply myself, I just needed to cut away distractions and come up with a good way of motivating myself. Without games, it's absolutely clear what I need to do with free time: learn and grow somehow. It's ironic that it comes at a time when I'm about to sorta give up on art. ? I've been thinking a lot about it this week, and it's really hard for me to see how I can continue to be an artist in the entertainment industry in good faith. Not only has the industry treated me poorly and been partly responsible for my depression and anxiety, but I don't know if I can work at a videogame company, making games, when I object to the whole idea of them now. It's like a former alcoholic working at a brewery.... But, the reason I became an artist in the first place was to work on games, to build worlds to get lost in. So that's weird. I'm still happy I'm finally making my portfolio happen, because it's a test of my discipline, and it's something I've been meaning to do for more than a year. Finishing it will be a milestone in my life if nothing else. But I'm going to have to think long and hard about what I really want to achieve as an artist with my life, or if it's time to close the book on it along with the chapter that contains video games. That said, if I can work 40hrs on art in a week, I guess I can apply that skill to whatever I decide to pick up next. Who knows, maybe I'll love programming?

Good luck with the job hunt dude! Fingers crossed! I hear Iceland is very beautiful. Is it worth a visit? I really need to finish reading 12 rules... never got past chapter two. You’ve put it back on the priority one list for me. Thanks. ? Two more days and you’re ten weeks clean! Huge achievement bud, make sure you celebrate it!

I’m afraid I have to agree with Fawn. Ask yourself: what can spending your time on video games rather than something else do for you? I had a lot of fun with video games, but by far my biggest regret in life (at my age) is how much time I burned on them. Imagine if you decided to go to the gym for 1hr three days a week instead of playing a video game, what that would do for you? How about learning a new language? Or picking up a sport where you can get exercise, competition and achievement while meeting new people? Aren’t those all better ways to spend your time, rather than sinking into a fake reality, where all the challenges have been designed for you to beat them, and where your time is ultimately wasted? We have a limited amount of hours to spend on this earth. You came to this site and made the decision to quit for a reason. Don’t lose sight of that.

Hey fawn, just catching up with your journal again, sorry I haven’t been more active on your side, I’ve thrown myself into my work lately. Its funny that you mention dreaming about games. I’ve had a few myself, I think it’s a sign that perhaps I’m getting better when waking up from a dream about gaming actually causes me to panic. As unpleasant as the experience is, I guess it means I’m fairly decided on the negative feelings about gaming even when I’m only half awake! Being a perfectionist is really hard, and the modern world is a miserable place when it’s so easy to compare yourself to others... I’ve had to try and put some distance between what other people present to me and what their lives actually look like... but it’s hard to be the thought police with yourself all the time. We only have so much energy to spare every day. Either way, keep fighting! I’ve really appreciated your messages on my journal, I hope you know that you’re valued here and you’re not alone in your struggle... or feeling like games fucked your life up. We’re all in this together. That’s some consolation, if nothing else.

Do what you need to do dude. If you need us again, don’t hesitate to PM me. Keep fighting the good fight!

DAY 81: Short entry today as it’s late and I’m really tired. Today involved more driving lessons, which were fun, and then more portfolio work. I only managed 4hrs on the portfolio today as I think I am perhaps hitting the bottom of my creative well. I think it may be why work has been a little slower the past two days. I’m really pushing myself to try and make the best stuff I can, but it’s very demanding work, and I haven’t put in hours like this in a long time. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about it, but it is a bit dispiriting. I have some complex thoughts about it which I’ll share in a post some other time. In only have 4hrs left to hit 40 this week though, I might do them tomorrow after driving theory. Really wanna hit that fucking goal. What I really want to express today is my negative attitude. This is an ongoing issue that I’ve mentioned before, and I think is one of the core problems I’ve had throughout my life. Despite the clear gains I’ve made in the past few weeks, I can’t seem to view myself or my situation in a more positive way. In fact, I feel like I am slipping into more negativity. I’m constantly shitting on myself, saying I wasted my life and that I’m completely screwed, theres no way to fix it. The only time I feel better is when I’m in the flow state while working, or intense socializing. But as soon as that’s over and I’ve ridden the high, the negative thoughts come back. In a sense, you could say work and socializing is just another form of escapism. I truly don’t know how to be comfortable with, or kind to, myself. I don’t really know how to stop thinking like this, or what to do about it. Forced positivity feels fake, and it takes energy I don’t necessarily have. Am I doomed to be an insufferable pessimist my whole life, living and dying unhappy while I push everyone away? I hope not... but I need to find a good way to turn this thought train around.

DAY 80: Wow! Only 10 days to go to 90 now. Feels strange. Not much to report today. I'm feeling generally better than I have the past few weeks, my portfolio coming along is a big part of that. I put another 7hrs in today, which sets me at 31hrs this week. I'm aiming for 40hrs of drawing total this week, as though I had a full-time job. I have a very busy weekend coming up, with driving lessons tomorrow morning, Saturday morning and then Sunday is a full day on First Aid... So that's annoying, but hopefully, between tomorrow and Saturday, I can do another 9hrs. I worked on a new piece today but I got really bogged down rendering it. I'm not really happy with the colours etc, so I didn't manage to finish it today. Nonetheless, the WIP is attached below. Not much else to say. Things are good, and I guess if I spend enough time in the next few years improving myself rather than wasting it on games and the internet, I'll eventually be able to build towards the life I want to be living... For now, I just gotta keep my head down and work despite the loneliness.

Don't worry guys! I have no plans on going back. I reckon I've spent enough time in my life on videogames. And I want to be able to apply myself properly when I get back to uni, really need to come out of that in a much better place and with real skills so I can get a job! The 90-day detox is just a milestone for me, at which point I'm going to shift my focus on detoxing from other things.

DAY 79: I finished another piece today! I think it takes me somewhere between 4-6 hours if I have thumbnails already prepared, which means in theory I can produce about 4-5 pieces a week. That's insane. That means I can finish my portfolio in three weeks! As long as I work hard of course. All my previous estimates were two to three months! Actually creating things and getting things done is slowly making me feel a lot better. My portfolio is starting to look like something now, and I'm proud of what I've made, and that it will most certainly be done by the time I go to Uni. A lot of these pieces are the best things I've ever made so far, so that's great too. I have loads of ideas for how I'd keep expanding this universe I'm slowly building. I even started doing some creative writing, putting together lore for this setting. I honestly have a lot to be proud of and it feels really good after all this struggle to actually be a creative force again. Even if I don't follow this as a career, I'm confident I can keep this as a hobby building my own worlds on the side, and I look forward to either result. I've put in 24hrs of work this week so far, including 9hrs of drawing today. That level of productivity is absolutely nuts for me. I can't remember the last time I worked this 'hard' as an artist. But the thing is I don't feel like I'm working hard or even particularly long. Yeah, it's difficult sometimes but the result is always worth it right now. I guess I'm finding my passion again. This sudden swing of feeling is quite a surprise to me. I guess I just feel like some things are starting to click into place as I near the end of my 90-day detox. I already have ideas for what I wanna detox from next, but we'll keep that for later. Here's today's work:

DAY 78: Work continues at an OK rate. I have all sorts of other problems in my life. My porn use has come back, I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not going to the gym, etc. etc. etc. But I'm getting the hours in on my portfolio. And I guess right now that's what matters. So I finished another piece today and started on the next one. I've realized I can make a piece probably every day if I've prepared the thumbnails beforehand. All in all, this means that if I keep up the current pace I'll be at the halfway mark sometime this week or next week, two to three weeks ahead of schedule. Turns out I can be really prolific if I try. To be honest, I still feel awful. I'm in constant doubt about my career, and if I'm just wasting my time on this. I'm hurting about my ex and Tiger. I'm pretty lonely, with little social interaction at 'work' and, although I love my parents even spending time with them at home doesn't really fill the tanks. I guess I'm just eager to get to university, have a social life again, some structure and challenges ahead of me and a clear route to follow. At least for a while. Honestly, I'm just so tired of feeling lost and in pain. I've been thinking a lot about games and my life, and I feel like I'm really starting to put some mental distance between them and myself. I resent them. While I did have fun, I burned a huge amount of my life so far on games, and the reason I became an artist was to work on them. Now I find myself in a personal and career dead end thanks to them. I look around, and see a life in shambles, while other people my age are climbing their career ladders, starting families, etc, I'm stuck at the bottom in the middle of a crisis... All thanks to videogames. When I think of it that way, it's really easy not to want to go back. Anyways, here's my next piece:

You can do this fawn! Life is a lot simpler when you just cut them out completely. Good luck.

I still haven't quit watching games online (really hard to stop watching esports for me), but it's totally something I need to do. Really inspiring to see you taking the leap! And by the way, congrats on three weeks clean! Make sure you celebrate that. Keep it up. ?

As always, thanks for all the thoughtful replies. @katsudo19 Thanks for the recommendations, I'll look into them. It's true that I need to learn to let go and love myself better. @Ikar Hmm, I think maybe I need to experiment with this monthly journal starting next month. @NannerZ Thanks dude. I'm doing a little better now. Hope you are too. DAY 75-77: So I spent the weekend on a few different endeavours. First I went to driving classes and was back in a car on the road for the first time in +/- 8 years. I was really nervous, but I love driving so it quickly came back to me. There are a lot more laws here in Denmark than in South Africa though, and cyclists seem to be a constant hazard. Still a lot of lessons to go, but I'm glad this is finally moving along. Sunday I spent visiting an old friend of mine. We watched movies, talked shit and went for walks in the warm weather. It really recharged my batteries. I was able to just get some real positive energy from a close friend and vent a little of my negativity to a fresh and understanding ear. It was really good. I felt much, much better after seeing him, which made me realize just how lonely I've been in these last few months living with my parents. My parents are great and all, but they're no substitute for friends and peers, and I can see now that without a job and real social hobbies I became completely isolated, which massively impacted my mental health and made everything much, much harder than it needed to be. I really need to prioritize finding a social hobby in the near future. Monday I got back to work on my portfolio, and put in a solid 7,5hrs of work while still dealing with other stuff. It was really rewarding! This is probably the most time I've put in in one day so far. I have a target amount of hours I've been trying to hit for the last three weeks, and although I haven't hit it yet, this is a very good start for this week. This is an area where I can see real progress. I am working much more than I used to, on my own volition, with a few tricks that I've finally figured out to motivate me and get things done. If only I'd figured this out last year! I'd have three portfolios by now. But it's all good. It's a true sign of progress and that I'm beginning to head in the right direction. I've attached my latest portfolio overview below, which you can see now has a lot more thumbnail and work in progress art than last time. Slowly, I'll get there.

Hey all, thanks for the messages as usual. ? @BooksandTrees You are so right about a lot of things. I think especially one thing that rings true and that's starting to frustrate me is that videogames are, as you said, a lifestyle. Without them I really have nothing left. Yes I can draw, and it's OK, but my social life is in complete shambles without it, and I don't feel like I really have a way to 'unwind' right now which might be contributing to all my frustration and negativity. @Ikar I have one ex in particular who I was with for five years who I somehow still carry a torch for, four years later. She's married now, and here I am, unemployed, depressed and alone. I don't know if it's her I really miss, or more just the validity, purpose and support she brought to my life. I don't know if I'll ever feel like that again. Anyways, what's the format of your monthly summary? @The radtech Thanks for the kind words. ? They were good years, hopefully when my grief passes I can focus on that. @katsudo19 Thanks man. I use photoshop and a wacom cintiq tablet, sometimes drawing directly on the display, other times using it as a regular tablet. As for starting, you can find pretty good cheap classes on Udemy.com, otherwise I'd look around on Youtube. Really the best way to begin is just to get a pencil and a sketchbook and go out and draw everything you see. Life drawing is the foundation of all good art. DAY 74: Today was another hard day. I am swimming around in negative emotions that come and go as they please. Sometimes I feel OK, then all of a sudden I get really sad, angry or frustrated. I am at constant war with myself. I went to see my therapist today and she said I had 'complicated grief', and outlined basically all the symptoms I'm experiencing. Overwhelming negative emotion, inability to tell where it's coming from, etc. She described it as being bowled over by a wave in the ocean, and only being able to come up momentarily for breath. That's a pretty good description of the past week imho. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, sometimes by themselves or all at once, my body is stiff with tension. I feel like I positively radiate negative emotions. When I came home tonight and talked to my parents about it my mom got really upset about it. I can tell being here so long and my long struggle with depression is starting to wear them down. Without games, I don't really know how to vent these feelings or deal with them in a positive way. Or even just, you know, unplug from everything for a while. I guess having an escape like games isn't a solution, but this constant stress isn't helping much either. I really end up doubting if I have 'what it takes' to be a successful adult. Somebody has to fill those suicide numbers after all. My therapist encouraged me to practice self-compassion, which is similar to what I was thinking yesterday: I need to get better at talking to myself and improving the way I look at myself and my prospects. I hope I can figure that out before it's too late.

Shit dude, I've read through the past few pages of your diary, it sounds rough, and like you have a lot to deal with on your family side, your mother in particular. What you've described is also classic depression and I know it well. I've been there, so I'm not going to offer you any platitudes. I'll just say this: shit fucking sucks. I know how it feels man. I hope, in time, you will feel better.

The gym is amazing for clearing your head. Sometimes when I'm in a rough spot I feel like the only time I'm truly sane is midway through a workout. Exercise just shuts the mind up. I really need to get back to the gym. It's good to see you're doing so well with it! You've also crossed the halfway mark to 100 days dude! Make sure you give yourself a clap on the back for that. Keep it up!

I can really understand that negative association with gaming. I think it comes from a place of finally realizing how problematic it was, and how huge a decision it was to get rid of it. Afterwards, when you start to see improvements in your life, you can begin to view gaming as a kind of root evil that made your life what it was before you quit. I feel tremendous guilt and go back and forth in my head when I have a powerful urge to play. Like you say, I worry that if I even play a little I will become a games 'junkie'. But it's normal to want things that make you feel good, especially when you're unhappy. So I've tried not to give myself a hard time about the urges. After all, I didn't create the urges. My subconscious did. And really, problematic gaming was a symptom of a wider problem you had in your life. An inability to face your emotions perhaps, or to cope with stress in a constructive way. You are already so much more self-aware now when you do game. Now at least, when you sit down and play, you perhaps have an inkling of why and can try to do something about it. Keep it up. Keep being honest and digging and writing to try and find the truth. In time, you'll get there.

Thanks again to everyone who's actually taking the time to read my huge posts and write such thoughtful responses. It's really appreciated. @Ikar I appreciate the advice. You are right, the future still awaits. I am just struggling to overcome my own negative bias. I will write more about that below. @fawn_xoxo, this is some great advice and I think it truly cut to the heart of my problem. Of course, it's OK to feel grief in a rough week, but perhaps I need to reflect on why and how my negative emotions overwhelm my ability to have any sense of perspective in my life. I can't afford to crash like this every time something bad happens to me in life. There will be more bad things ahead, but also good. I need to find a way to turn my normal way of looking at things around. DAY 73: I decided to take the day off today to get some rest. I desperately needed to get some extra sleep, as I've probably been deprived for a few weeks now since I was sick. There are pretty big bags under my eyes and I think my sleep deprivation wasn't helping with my ability to manage my feelings. So I slept in, and although today was still tough, it was a lot easier to keep things in check. Fawns comment got me thinking about why I crash so violently every time something bad happens to me. I think it's my mindset. I've always had low self-esteem, and probably been more negative than most. There's a lot of reasons for this in my childhood, but there's no point in going into it. The point is, I process the world with a negative frame of mind, and the only time I really feel good/neutral in general is when my life is giving me a lot of positive feedback - good working environments, financial security, good social life. Yada yada. The sad truth is I haven't had much of those things these past few years, and my struggles with depression and anxiety have only made my negative worldview worse. All that time spent locked up in my own head, ruminating on how fruitless life is, or living in constant fear of a heart attack or something, has laid an easy and quickly accessible path to very negative thoughts that I can travel at any time. No wonder I'm unhappy all the time. I really need to work on changing how I perceive the world, and even how I perceive negative events and feelings. And especially the past. Rather than worrying about my past relationships, I should be glad I had them, and happy if my former lovers are currently doing well. After all, if I truly care about them, is that not the most important thing? Wanting their happiness to be tied only to myself is a selfish desire. Likewise for former experiences good and bad. I should be happy for the good times, glad I got to experience them, rather than sad they're gone. And as for the bad times, I should look for lessons in them, and try to see the silver lining, rather than screeching about how unfair it is. It's not going to be easy. I have been a very negative person for a very long time. But if I want to actually enjoy the existence I've been handed, I need to start looking at it differently.