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Ashley K.

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Posts posted by Ashley K.

  1. For a long time I've always wanted to start my own graphic design company. I started to think about why I wanted to do it and my mind drew a blank. I didn't have a purpose to start the company or what the company would mean. So right now besides drawing, I'm also trying to figure out what kind of company I should try and start. Anyone else feel the same way?

  2. DAY 26:

    I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. 

    I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it. 

    You have a husband and a kid. You wanted to quit playing games and you quit for over a month now. You strike me as a very motivated person. 

    When are you expecting your second kid? 

    In November :)

  3. DAY 32:

    I sketched a bit on the tablet a couple of hours ago. It was a struggle since Im a beginner. I have a couple of reference sketches I did on Autodesk Sketchbook. I traced over the hands so I can get an idea of how to draw them in different poses. At one point I would turn off the layer with the hand reference so I could see if I could try and do it from memory. It almost came out accurate.

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  4. DAY 30:

    I can't believe it's been a month already since I quit. Its been a struggle for me since I've never really stuck with something for this long that wasn't gaming. 

    Im still struggling at the moment to do what I want to do. I feel like it has gotten easier to not be triggered by video games, but I can't seem to get myself to draw. I think its the work that I have to put into actually physically picking up a pencil and paper and just drawing whatever. I get discouraged by other people's artwork that I see. I would say to myself  "Why do it? I would love to make money off of what I love to do and enjoy it but, Why? There are already talented artists out there. What difference will I make?". So yes, I struggle with taking action. I'm sorry to anyone who is probably getting frustrated reading my posts and Im not trying to take action to do anything.

  5. DAY 26:

    I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. 

    I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it. 

  6. DAY 25:

    When I woke up this morning, I watched one of Cam's videos. The one I watched was "Go for it!. It reminded me of when I was in my junior or senior year of high school where I really really loved art and I wanted to major in it when I went to college. My mom was all for it and knew that it was something I loved and that you could go far in it because there are so many jobs that you can get with an art major. At the time I wanted to restore paintings that you see in art museums or be a curator. Since my grandmother lived with us also and I told her about it, she didn't like the idea because she felt that majoring in art was silly and that I was going to be a starving artist and I just needed to forget about it because she wasn't going to help me if I did and I needed to major in something else like business. She was extremely adamant about it to the point where my dream was crushed.

    Something else that had also happened recently. Well yesterday, I was talking to my husband about work and how he needed to get a job because the baby is coming and we needed the money. He brought up some valid points about times where I was capable of working but didn't bother to find a job. But one thing he mentioned was I could've worked at a fast food place. When he said that I told him you make little to no money after all your taxes are taken out. He said at least it was something. He said he takes jobs that he hates doing but does it because it's money. He said that I shouldn't be looking for jobs that pay a lot because there isn't even a guarantee of me getting it. This was something I didn't agree with because I felt like I was being told I couldn't do something. He probably thinks differently since its life and that's how it is. You take what you can get. I never agreed with anything like that. Taking what you can get. I feel like that mindset will never get me to where I want if I just take what I can get. When I know I can get more out of life that what it gives me.

  7. DAY 24:

    1:45AM. Reading replies from WorkInProgress, Thanks btw for replying ^_^. Made me realize that a big part of this detox for me and whoever else is the mental barriers we place on ourselves. I know most of your already know this but I never really bothered to think that I had any kind of mental barriers because all I would do is say "I can't do it, what's the point? I'm just going to give up". It really is hard to step outside of your comfort zone and do things you don't normally do or things you've always wanted to do, so when you start doing it and it doesn't work out, you immediately want to give up. Right at this moment, I'm trying to get rid of those mental barriers I've place on myself. It's not easy, But what is?

     

  8. DAY 22:

    I was super lazy today. Didn't draw, watch any tutorials, or even read a book. I just watched the rest of the 4th season of American Horror Story. 

    Awhile ago, I was complaining about drawing, how I wanted to draw really well, etc. My husband told me that all I do is practice twice a week. If I really want to draw and I love it I would be drawing every single day. I also complained that I wanted to use the tablet to draw but asking questions and reading around on forums and websites, people say that it's better to start drawing traditionally first. He said that I should just do what I feel is right for myself, not what someone says. Now I'm sitting here conflicted, feeling lazy, wondering what to do. This sucks.

  9. DAY 21:

    Lol, I missed 2 days of journal entry. I've been trying to keep myself busy. Well, today was okay. I'll just remember not to take my husband out anywhere next time. 

    He kind of made it unpleasant while went shopping today. As most of you know kids, especially 5 year olds are going to make all kinds of noise since they're well...kids!

    I didn't mind it much that he was talking a little loud or making noises, just don't wander away from me, let go of my hand or throw a tantrum. Other than that it's all good. He didn't really let him talk loud or make much noise because he kept constantly shushing him to the point where he was sucking the fun out of the day. Went to Trader Joe's (great store btw), a little crowded but its Saturday so why wouldn't it be? All he wanted to do was leave. My son was acting silly and my husband ended up taking him outside to wait which sucked because that's not what I wanted. So now I know that trying to go out anywhere with him may be a drag. It's been 21 days and I'm learning a lot more than I thought I would. I'm still stumbling here and there but it's going to happen during this transition. Another thing I can't seem to get through to my husband is that I quit playing video games. He talked about some brand new game that was free on the xbox and said he would download it for me. I told him that I quit playing and he just rolled his eyes at me. I don't know how many times I've said that to him. He just doesn't seem to get it. But there's not much I can do about that. Being that person on the outside looking in, the life of a gamer just seems really...dull, boring, lifeless, unfulfilling, time wasting. It's sad. What's going to happen when the baby comes? He still has no job. I'm struggling to get myself established, my priorities straight and I'm still debating on what to do besides graphic design. I've mentioned I wanted to do other things along with graphic design but I'm still thinking about what my interests are. I'll still draw, but I know I have some interests that I don't know about. This feels like I'm soul searching, lol.

     

  10. This may be a rant so just bear with me.

    For the past 2 days, my husband felt the need to wear my sunglasses while he's on the computer because he says that the monitor hurts his eyes. 

    I've been telling him over and over that he needs to go see an ophthalmologist. He said with what money? (he hasn't found a job in a year). I have issues sharing things that belong to  me.  Now I don't know if I'm being selfish or what. I just have issues with him using my things. Should I just let it go and let him use my things or be a little annoyed about it and tell him?

  11. DAY 18:

    My new laptop came today! I'm so excited to be using it to put in my journal entry . 

    I wrote out what I feel I should be doing during the week in my new weekly planner. I feel its productive since it's mostly researching and practicing drawing, using the new tablet, illustration, all that fun stuff :D 

    I'm going to go now and play around with the laptop for a little bit :D.

  12. DAY 17: 

    I missed a couple of days of posting in my journal. The reason why is because I've been busy :D.

    I've been studying graphic design/illustration/some concept art. When I was tired, I watched The Walking Dead for a little bit. 

    On Monday and Today I've been busy going shopping with my mom all day long. Went to my doctor's appointment today. I couldn't get an ultrasound picture of my son since he was facing my spine, lol. But I'm scheduled to have a c-section on November 10th. I finally got my Wacom Intuos tablet aaaand my new laptop will be coming tomorrow. So I'll be able to practice traditional and digital drawing/sketching. Making up some designs and eventually work on my portfolio. I hope no one thought I relapsed because I have been getting urges but I was able to fight them off by doing other things which worked our really really well. Well now I'm going to sketch a little bit even though I'm going to hate how it looks, lol and then I'm going to nap :P

  13. Day 14 (Sept. 10):

    Pregnancy is really kicking my ass, lol. Always sleepy 3, 4 hours after I wake up. I'm getting lazy with these journal entries. I didn't sleep very well since I had a lot on my mind. Mostly with my family (children and myself). I know I said I can't worry about my husband but I do...sometimes. Right now I feel like he's immature. But I can't be sure. What do you guys consider immature?

     

  14. DAY 13:

    Still didn't get much done today like I said I was going to yesterday. It's a little disappointing but that's okay. Just have to take one step at a time.

    I have to work on my time management. Still looking up tutorials on it along with graphic design/drawing. There's a lot more subjects that I'm interested in learning but at the moment I'm just learning what I can on graphic design/drawing. Sold some more of my old CDs/DVDs/cellphones/games. Progress is a process. Even though it's slow, I'm still moving forward.

    1d2fb026f01497f998b62a484cd105e4.jpg

  15. DAY 12:

    • Woke up at 7:30AM
    • Felt sluggish/sick (That's what I get for eating at 2AM, lol)
    • Made breakfast for my son and husband
    • Took a nap at 11AM, Woke up at 2PM
    • Ate a chicken breast/pepperoni/turkey ham calzone with mozorella (husband made it. Was delish)
    • Fell asleep again around 8PM
    • Woke up at 10:40PM
    • And now I'm here finishing up this list while I look up websites to sell my CDs/DVDs and the rest of my games

    I would say today just consisted with me mostly napping a lot and eating, lol. Tomorrow will be another day where I'll get shit done xD

  16. DAY 11:

    Today was another day of being a bit productive/nesting, lol.

    I ended up trading in almost all of my games since some others games I have I probably have to sell on amazon, which is fine. The games I did trade in I got for over $200. I really didnt feel like waiting to sell them on amazon, ebay, etc since I just wanted to get them off my hands as soon as possible. I'm not even complaining about the amount I got from the trade in because at least it's something and not nothing ^_^. My husband gave me some games that belonged to his friend and just decided to trade those also. But certain games that was "nostalgic" like Pokemon Red, Blue, etc. He didn't want me to sell because they were classics. I, on the other hand didn't give a shit. I just wanted to get them off my hands. I talked to him about what he thinks I should do, Sell or Trade-In, he told me his opinion and that was it but I still had a hard time deciding at the time. So when I tried talking to him about what he thinks I should do, he just snapped at me and told me that he already told me his opinion and doesn't understand why I kept looking at him and asking. Mind you think happened twice throughout the day. So, I just said fine whatever, just fuck it and chose what to do. 

    What bothers me the most is the fact that even though I've only quit for 11 days which he knows I have, he will constantly play video games, watch his streams, youtube videos, and read guides on certain games he plays, he will still talk to me about games which bothers me because he knows I've quit. It just feels like he has no consideration.

    What's worse is the fact that he's not looking for a job right now. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but it's how I feel while I go through this detox. It's just bullshit. Plus the dream of wanting and needing to move out of my parents' house is looking very distant. I honestly don't know when and if it's going to happen. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to have to do it on my own.

    (Sorry for the rant :/)

  17. DAY 10:

    Woke up, ate breakfast, relaxed for a little bit, then ended up drawing for literally 2 minutes until I decided to look up the KonMari method of organizing on Youtube, lol.

    Decided that the majority of the things I have in my room I needed to donate. Most of which were video games. I thought I only had a few here and there in some boxes, but I ended up finding them all over the house. I threw away old papers, items that I thought were sentimental but ended up being trash anyway. I'm still on a manhunt for more things to donate. Unfortunately, I don't have any boxes at the moment to store them in so that Goodwill can come and pick them up. While I'm typing this I'm thinking what else I n need to donate. Probably electronics. The wires I have, USB cords, HDMI cables, etc I have no idea what to do with those. If I can donate them I will. I feel more productive than I did this morning. But I have to take it easy and not over-exert myself. If anyone has any other places where I can either sell/donate anything just let me know :D

     

     

     

     

  18. Day 9:

    Even though it's been 9 days, I feel like I've made some progress.

    Really didn't get to do much today other than order a mechanical drawing pencil, lol.

    I'm still struggling with time management. When I try to think of things to do, it always consits of watching drawing/graphic design tutorials. I kept thinking about the times I watched tutorials on Call of Duty, Halo, League of Legends, city building games, The Sims, etc. and how I learned so much that I knew what to do and how to do it like it was second nature. Ever since I quit and I've been learning techniques on drawing/graphic design, It feels much harder than I thought it would. It's not going to make me give up since it's only a challege that I know and CAN accomplish. It's just going to take much longer than what I'm used to. But when I do, I'll reap the rewards, I'll cry knowing that for the first time I didn't give up because it was hard and I'm looking for an easy way out. Can't wait for what the oncoming days of my detox brings!

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  19. DAY 8:

    Today hasn't been a very productive day as much as I would like it to be.

    I noticed earlier today that my son who's 5 years old, plays NickJr or Nickelodeon games. He refused to use the bathroom just so that he can keep playing.

    When I saw the signs of gaming addiction happening as young as him, it upset me. Moreso than I thought it would, so what I did is I downloaded Cold Turkey which blocks programs, websites, etc. and I blocked those websites from him so now the only website he knows of that he can go on is an educational website called ABCmouse, Which he is subscribed to. I told him that we were going to start reading, drawing and doing all kinds of awesome activities together.

    I'm glad I caught it before it got any worse. This was my fault completely and I've acknowledged it. I tried to draw a little today and all I did was sketch some eyes and tried to sketch a mouth from a zombie (didn't work out so well). My eyes welled up when I noticed how bad it looked. I wanted to give up right then and there, but my accountability partner told me to embrace the pain/crying and that being an artist is tough and to suck it up, princess, lol. He said to kick ass, living is pain. Pain enhances the sense and adds value to life. So now, I'm pushing on and continue to draw, do my graphic design, and set up my blog with my work on it. 

    kenji-miyazawa-poet-we-must-embrace-pain

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