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Mouxine
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Posts posted by Mouxine
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6 hours ago, Splitstep said:
In the Parable of the Wedding Banquet (Matthew 22-1:14) I was wondering who the man without wedding clothes is meant to portray, maybe a Pharisee??
From the Catena Aurea : according to St Greg.: What ought we to understand by the wedding garment, but charity? For this the Lord had upon Him, when He came to espouse the Church to Himself. He then enters in to the wedding feast, but without the wedding garment, who has faith in the Church, but not charity.
The Catena Aurea (Golden Chain) is a compilation of the most famous doctors of the church made by St Thomas Aquinas. He never gives his own opinion in this book so it's precious to have it to understand how the first christians were understanding the Scriptures. You can find it here : https://dhspriory.org/thomas/ in the biblical commentaries. When I don't understand a verse, it's super helpful, even if it's not easy to read.
You did the right choice not driving. Congrats !
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:
I have to stay strong with my healing and understand that sometimes my emotions can be strong, but they should remain in check and logical.
I totally agree.
Also from what you said, it's totally logical you have a crush on your coworker, it is indeed a "proximity crush" as you said, I don't mean it's bad, but it's just normal it turns out this way. I had one on a 30 years older than me... When I noticed, I stopped having lunch everyday with her and limited any non business talk, because I was already married so no imprudence. You don't control directly your emotions, but you can control what you do and often what awakes your feelings. And the funny part : that woman had married one of her coworker !
Anyway it's great seeing you choose to prioritize your healing. Strong-willed people earn respect.
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Indeed, you look sad and it's totally normal if you feel lonely.
From a book of wisdom : A woman's beauty delights the beholder, a man likes nothing better. If her tongue is kind and gentle, her husband is the happiest of men. The man who takes a (good) wife has the makings of a fortune, a helper to match himself, a pillar of support.
Men and women are made to match each other, so it's not easy staying single. Falling in love easely is natural for many (I'm the type too), but don't forget where you want to go. It's not what looks nice around the road which dictate how you drive, but it's where you want to go. Love is similar to driving in that case. What do you look for ? Just a date not to be lonely, or a date to marry ? If it's for marriage, keep up the savings for the house ! ? But be picky on the woman, if she's really virtuous and great, don't let her go ! I would lose my job to keep my wife, so maybe that coworker is worth it ? Or not ! But falling in love at work, happens very often... Even when you already have a great wife, so emotions doesn't do it all.
I used to dislike my career also, but don't make a hasty choice as I usually do, balance the pro and cons.
I'm really impressed how you can fill up your agenda like this. I'm totally incapable of doing this, I would do a burn-out in two weeks ! Especially doing many charities, I'm amazed !
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@BooksandTrees Thanks for the advice about the chemicals and giving the idea to make the children participate, it motivates me a bit more and makes it doable because getting up early is really hard. I get awaken 1, 2 or sometimes even 4 times in the night by cries... It's been 4 and a half years now I can't sleep quietly. Sleeping less is suicide.
Day 25
We had two more people with us from 9 AM to 10 PM. We talked a lot, played a board game and took a walk. I had to do 5 decade at 23 P.M to end my rosary to fulfill my confraternity commitement.
Day 26
Horrible night, 6 hours of sleep cut into 3 parts... I confessed my sins thursday, and boom I got angry like an horrible idiot on the little boy because of tireness. I understood something HUGE for myself : I must not pray before I go into the room of the boy, I must pray when I open the door because it's at that precise moment my reason falls to my anger. That way, there's much more chance I don't go mad. Seriously, the calm of Jesus during his Passion is probably the most divine but discrete sign he gave us : "I can call an army of angels to defend me" he says to Peter, and not even once he flinches into anger while he was in a terrible shape... That's just impossible to any man.
We went to the mass in the evening at the Cathedrale. We saw some friends there. The priest commented the summit of Catholic Church on child abuse and it was greatly done. (For the record, my own director was an abuser. resisted him because I'm hot headed and I denounced him to his superiors 1 year later, far too late. Now he's reduced to Laity state. So I'm concerned about this topic). The day was good even if I was tired.
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Day 24
I was still angry and disoriented by my spiritual counceling. I became less angry and tried to think obey the whole part : I looked for 3 hours what kind of hobby I could in my city. Well it's almost lost since I didn't find anything really appealing. However there's a good point, since I tried my best to obey despite my anger, light came back into my soul and peace with it. I remembred I was ordered to pray so that I find some activity which helps me to be more free. He insisted for something like sport, but the mandatory part was only to pray ! So I was angry for... a misunderstanding, by my fault... (Even with 4 years of philosophical studies and the considerable amount of theological books I read, I stay light-headed... It's very difficult for me to concentrate on many details : my brain gets full of knots). I also started to think, what does he mean by "more free" ? And since I was so disoriented by my search of hobbies I could do, I think God doesn't want me to find something else, but he wants me to concentrate on my duties. I have so many DIY to do at home, school to do with my children, play with them, and the chores to do, I seriously don't have that much time for a hobby, except when they are sleeping which is from 9 P.M to 8:30 A.M. During this time I have to : finish my daily prayers (mainly a 2/3 decate from the rosary), write my daily journal, go to sleep as early as I can... So I think I don't need to add something else, which will annoy me more than anything else. Writing my journal helps me so much, I think that is what I really need : take the time to write. It ease my heart even better than talking to my wife.
Now, I must hurry to sleep, before someone wakes up again in the middle of the night.
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Day 22
My mother, my father and a friend came to our house today, it was nervously exhausting. I'm starting to feel lazy to write my daily journal. It seems to me it will always turn around the same things.
Day 23
I went to see my new spiritual counselor. It was great at first then it felt bad. First I admited having a impulse to judge everything people with power do, "If I were them, I would do this. They do bas because this and that...". That was the great part because it's bad pride I see now. The other part I didn't like was the way he was pushing me to embrace a social hobby, mainly a sportly one. I just hate when priests says "you should do sport", because I dislike sport ! I'm certainly lazy, but I can"t motivate myself to do sport except with spiritual reasons (sacrificing myself, talking about God to other people). I would rather do the cleaning to someone else's house to help them. I have to do meaningful things, and sport, in my eyes, is totally vain if it's not for fun or for solving health problems. Jesus Christ didn't say "you should do sport to be healthy !", in addiction to this, St Paul said that olympical sportsmen are running for a crown which perish, will we christian are running for an eternal crown. I'm angry, I'm really angry about that, especially because I value obedience a lot, I don't like sport, and I'm almost sure my spiritual councelor will insist about it as I know him for some time now. I guess I have to do this sacrifice of my own will and obey to something I find useless, just to fix my prideful nature.
I'm suposed to find something social to do for Lent, so I suppose continuing to write my journal is something I should do !
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Day 19
3 hours of sleep then 3 hours of sleep again after being awaken by the youngest son. I was tired and in an horrible mood the whole day.
Day 20 & 21
My wife is better, the week is full of appointements. I feel something heavy in life now, games helped me to escape and dream. Now I don't dream that much, and life feels less enjoyable. It's really harder to resist it than basic cravings because it's not violent like a impulse to play, it's something sneaking in everything you do in the day making them even more tiring ! Despite that, I don't want to play again, it's just inbearable to think I can"t enjoy my life to the most without games ! I just want to crush that part of myself and have a deeper relation to God. Thanks to BooksandTrees again, I realized I wasn't angry enough at games, and that was the main reason I relapsed. I know that Cam says it's okay to be grateful to games for the past fun and just pass to something else, but I can't. It averted me so much times away from my main goal, I can't just be grateful or indifferent. They messed up with my brain without me knowing it, they are not getting away with a smile even if it was because of my weakness that I lost control.
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As a married guy for 5 years, I must just say this : a relationship gets better and better, and more enjoyable with time, unless you don't solve problems as they come. Stick with someone who will fight to keep her couple alive. Beauty and charm tends to fade with time and it's deceitful, if there no true love behind, it's hell on earth starting...
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19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Thanks for your story. I find it interesting that you hated porn and masturbation. I have started to hate gaming, gamers, and the gaming community and that has helped me never crave games. I think it's such a toxic environment full of ignorant people. I just don't want to use anger and hate to fix all of my problems. But maybe if I refocus that energy I could turn it into a non-anger backed method of quitting porn.
I'm starting to get disgusted with my reasons for watching porn and why I'm searching and what I'm craving. It's just humiliating to me and I am ready to move on. I felt terrible after watching today. Just terrible.
Well, thanks to you ! You just made me realize I relapsed so often into gaming because I'm not angry enough with games. That is not very logical, because I always felt much compassion for gamers, and why would I if I didn't know gaming is so mediocre.
You are right also, anger and hate doesn't fix all, but when it comes to resist something bad, dangerous or evil, it gives a surge to help.
It's totally normal feeling bad after watching. However there was a wise saying in the Antiquity : "it's the one who enters a house of prostitution who should be ashamed, not the one who exits it". You keep your will to quit, so be proud of yourself also, getting up everytime is quite an achievement.
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@Vera Sounds like at least one of your parents was a manipulator saying you're worthless, stupid and ungrateful... That's totally not true about you ! There's excellent books on non loving parents entitled Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it helps a lot when it comes to heal from a deep wound made by those who the most should love us.
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Okay, so I'm coming in the middle of everything, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit unphased with your story. But I agree with your vision on men and women asking for A+ grade and in fact are mostly C or D and don't want to get better ! And they want A+ grade for doing common things in the first place (sorry, I formulated in an other way, maybe I got this wrong). Maybe it's very pragmatic but I have only one advice : think what your ideal woman is and think where is the most probable way to meet her. My wife was maybe a grade C but with the will to become a Grade A+, and now she's a grade A. I wanted a woman with a very strong will to become virtuous, the first I found was the first I dated, and I married her ! I'm very happy with her now.
For porn addiction, I can only give you a few advice based on experience, because it was easier for me BY FAR to quit porn and stop masturbating (I'm 12 years free of it now) than quitting video games :
- First of all, try to learn all the horrible thing which happens with it : how it breaks healthy behavior in a couple, how women are treated in porn. The more you know it's ugly, the more it will disgust you.
- How would you feel if it was your sister or daughter or mother in the video ? Try to think about the feeling of the woman you see, because you will make an intellectual and moral effort, and the more your reason stays awake, the more it's easier to struggle against.
- Put a background motivating picture on your pc/laptop or a real picture just next to it. I know some christian friends put an image of the Virgin Mary with scotch on the corner of the screen, it was super efficient to their saying. Think about which one works for you (someone from your family ? Someone inspiring ?).
- Hate it, hate it, hate it. That's what worked the most for me, with praying. I hated masturbation so much after realizing it could wreck my future couple, I relapsed 1 time and then I struggled like a maniac for 3 month (not able to sleep because I was used to do it to sleep).
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I share out your feelings ! Once a quit gaming for some time, I feel some heaviness in my whole life. It passes yes, and sometimes it comes back. It will probably come back at first every week-end when you have spare time, I also have cravings mostly on Sundays. As you said, it gets much better when it goes.
You seem to me someone very introverted and sensitive, and that's not bad at all ! I'm super introverted too, and sensitive also. You need to make one or two good friends at school to help you. Once you can rely on someone and talk to when you feel bad, it will help you greatly. Maybe there's someone who has the same trials to work with others, you could backup each other.
Keep hope ! Life on Earth is not always happy, but in Heaven happiness never stops ! It's worth any sacrifice or trial. I'm praying for you.
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Day 18
Same kind of day as last one, except a bit gentler on my nerves overall. I got careless and didn't took time to pray 10 min peacefully when the children were in the garden (it was the only favorable moment) : huge mistake. I smashed my 4 year old daughter's hair brush (mainly used for her puppet) on the table because I stepped on it and I got overwhelmed by chores at diner time. The hair brush is broken, the table has the mark on it (of course !), and the children... they didn't cry of fear but they looked at me with an expression like "are you stupid or what ?!"... That surprised me a lot ! And my wife acted as a true angel, not even scolding me (she knows I'm already blaming myself innermost), reassuring the children and helping me out even if she didn't feel well. I apologized to everyone and got forgiven, they are so kind to me. We had a very cute family hug time and fun after diner.
I noticed or learned major things today :
1 - Before I get really mad, I usually have the sensation of "scortching eyes" like after been 2 hours in front of a screen. So I have a biological alarm I must trust, if my eyes hurts, it's time to sit down, close them and pray 5 minutes. Otherwise, I'm sure I'll do evil by going frenzy. That is also a serious reason to avoid spending too much time on the computer (just to give an idea, I use the program F.lux to avoid blue light from my screen and I put lightning very low because I'm very sensitive to light).
2 - When I truly don't have time to pray (that is super rare), God's offer graces to compensate for that (e.g in Day 17). If I do neglect to pray, even if there little time to do it, I fall into sin lamentably even if I do my best not to. It's logical, it's taught by serious catholic doctors (St Alphonsus Maria of Liguori), but now it's also proven by personal experience. I have no excuse, except from being naturally light-minded.
3 - I liked a huge post of BooksandTrees on TSL's journal. It made me realize that my tendency to do anything fun or resting compulsory comes also from my bad habit of gaming. I know I crave for too much leisure, I thought it was a common struggle for everyone not only for gamers, but it looks like my brain is really shaped in a bad way because of games. Now I'm angry at them !
General feeling during the day : a heavy feeling of austerity, because I didn't have much fun during the past two day.
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Thank to all who read my journal and also to the responding ones, it's encouraging feeling supported !
Day 17
An exhausting day : I drove my wife to the medic after dressing up all the children, bought some pastries, went to the park, retrieved my wife, made lunch, cleaned up everything, went to outside to retrieve some dishes, call a friend to see if he was interested in the job offer I declined (he is more suited for it than me), get back home and take care of everyone in the house while doing the chores which as been delayed... From 8 A.M to 10 P.M almost no time to breathe. I went to sleep without recreating, because I was broken. Not much anger, and no time for cravings !
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Day 15
No relapse but so much anger inside me because I pushed my limit yersterday. I didn't give myself a nap time and I played with my oldest daughter. I screamed way too much in the evening.
Day 16
I almost made the same mistake but I didn't, I rested a bit. I was angry and bored in the evening. My wife is sick so it's even more difficult than usual. I thought of gaming during the time I was bored, but even when I was foreseeing me playing, it didn't feel appealing...
I got a phone call for a job offer at 8 P.M mainly to sell religious books near the Cathedral of Chartres. I was so surprised to be on the top priority list, but it's too bad, I can"t accept it.
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In my case, I pass the whole day humming video games, without even thinking about it. So I have like 30 video games soundtrack in the head everyday and it triggers rarely cravings. Actually it helps me to stay motivated when I do chores ! (Yes, doing laundry is super epic when you are humming a last boss theme ?!)
In your case, you said yourself it triggers cravings at weakens your will to let video games go. Just don't listen to that music and find some music to replace this music (is it epic, sad...). There's just so much to listen to.
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So funny ! you sounded like a fresh convert, looks like my flair isn't bad.
It's not easy being a Christian, it's true, but it's much more easy to be one if you give up one thing : your own free will to decide what to do with your life. Do everything to please God, always, if you work, work for God, if you take rest, rest for God, if you have fun, have it for him, say him thank you. If you suffer, even injustice, suffer for him by offering your pain and rejoice in what you are suffering for others, and you fill up in your flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church (Collosians 1,24).
If you do that, so much light will fill up your soul, you won't regret anything, your life will be fueled by God's Love.
Being attached willingly to something that's not God slow us down so much, even if it's little. Let's be honest concerning our main subject in this forum : 1 hour gaming per day isn't catastrophic if you can moderate (most of us can't anyway) and keep calm (I can't too) but if you are too attached to it, even if you moderate, then it darkens your soul like petrol on water.
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Day 14
We went to my parent's farm, had lunch with them and my sister, did some disemcumberment in my mother's storage room, helped her feed her horses. We had diner early and came home to sleep. No cravings for video games, but for board games !
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Welcome here !
Your journal will help a lot : it will help you face your real life problems instead of escaping them via video games.
I wish you courage on your journey to more freedom !
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Day 13
Daily routine until midday when we had lunch with a woman whom we're charge by our priest to teach her christian doctrine. She stayed with us until 5 P.M.
I had much self control today, except between 6P.M. and 7P.M when I was scotched on my Kindle reading Lone Wolf while my wife was struggling with the children and responding to her mail. At least I didn't explose like I was doing before when I was on a video game. I'm wondering if my anger-explosion wasn't also due to a high level dopamine being lowered instantly by having to act quickly when a child does something foolish. If that's the case, and I think it is, then I have a true reason to hate video games, just like I hate drugs or anything that weakens our self control by nature, not only because of lack of good will.
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@Vera I'm kindly surprised ! I was actually thinking that my story was boring because I have a lot of daily routine and I'm mostly sharing my thoughts and emotions on so simple events of the day. I wonder what you do find interesting in my simple story. Also I have loads of colored paper for the children as you figured, I never tought of using them for me !
Day 12
A too short night to start. I was awoke from 3 A.M to 6 A.M. Staying 1h30m in bed I couldn't sleep. I started to read the first book of Lone Wolf. I didn't the hour and half pass ! At least there's something way better with paper or board games than video games : you can change the rules according to what you feel is funny very easely and that is great !
My wife cooked for a little charity group for lonely and poor people. I had to deliver the meal. We played a board game with my wife and my oldest child, she's finally grown enough to play with us ! I read to the same child a part of an adapted Bible for kids. I took a little nap, made 1,5 kg of pancakes, then we went to the mass at 6P.M. at the Cathedrale of Chartres, I could pray because the children were calm (thank God for the miracle ! during these 4 last years praying at the mass on Sundays is difficult because of the children moving, screaming, whining...). Then it was diner time and I was exhausted after. When I'm nervous and tired, my eyes hurt and usually I start getting angry, but this evening it's great, I didn't scream : it's because of a fruitful communion and gaming abstinence. I'm always enthusiastic about this, only someone who experiences it knows how you get better doing almost nothing except giving all your heart to the Christ during communion. What is really sad, it's when you read the memories of saints who had the grace to see the Christ after his resurrection (Saint Catherine of Siena, Saint Theresa of Avila, Saint Faustine Kowalska, Saint Padre Pio...), Our Lord is always saying His love is not taken seriously, especially during communion. I'm seriously thinking going to the mass on Wednesday also, I should already have taken this resolution long time before to get better.
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That's not a relapse ! If you set up a chess game and do not make a move, you didn't play it. You didn't relapse, you kept control. That's something, I would have surely relapse in your place. I'm being curious and it would be interesting for your detox : why did you open that game ?
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Day 10
Today I could enjoy playing a maze game with my 4 year old daughter at nap time. A peaceful day ! Searched a bit more for gamebooks, I found project Aon editing Lone Wolf for free, it seems interesting. I hadn't heard from it at all, I was already sticking my noze in video games when it had some success.
Other than that and routine, I fixed a trashed white board (90cm x 60 cm) and hung it in the dining room for class. I like fixing things, especially if I can recycle trash.
Day 11
I finally managed to make my Kindle work ! After 4 years... Anyway, it's the cheapest way the read Lone Wolf without been stuck at my laptop. I would have liked to print it but at 15€ per book I can buy them in French, and I'm not ready to do that yet.
I realized that since I can't go out of my house so often, my best way to relax is relying on imagination (it was my n°1 reason for gaming) and oration (it's like meditation but orienting our hearts toward God). I stared to ceiling during 5 minutes when I was nervous, it helped me calm down by a lot. I'm much more a creative man than I thought, I used to think I was a pure thinking type but I was wrong : I'm an idealist dreamer.
Gaming abstinence starts to be really fruitful : I control my anger better, I spend more quality time with my children, my prayers are deeper.
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Wow, you're organized ! Keep going !
Don't worry about being more impulsive, it's perfectly normal. Try finding something relaxing when you need to cool down.
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Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted
Funny how daydreaming is something very few find acceptable. It's probably because we focus a lot on productivity.
If your interested, look at the INFP MBTI profile, I'm one and it's very accurate in my case. Once I understood my tendency to dream and idealize things is a natural way for me to function, it's much easier to accept it and to harness it, just like fire can be destructive or a wonderful source of energy. Some people need to dream, I do idealize and it leads me very often to deception, but it's my fuel to get up in the morning. Hope is possible only because you can think about a better future that has a chance to occur. Excessive dreaming leads to inaction or insatisfaction, it's true, but that doesn't mean that daydreaming is a bad thing in itself : just give it a reasonnable amount time and don't dream about something undoable or bad. What happens in Porn is just impossible to do because no men and women react like that in reality, it's just marketing to keep you hooked and paying... So dreaming about it is something to avoid, and I'm not even mentioning the bad side.
Anyway, I'm saying this because maybe you are a natural dreamer too. In that case, focusing your dreams on your goals and on beautiful things can help you a lot improving your happiness.