Rick Boon

What are those hobbies Sirduk?

Misery is fine and all but not for anything longer then neccesary. i just need a challenge i think. I find life so boring. Its comfortable, but boring. Safe but boring, even socializing which i'm always a bit anxious about is boring. There is no thrill. I finished my simple sheet of replacing actions, but i do not have anything for this need. Maybe i ought to go camping a few times a week, or in the weekends. Might try that. Need to find a good spot.

Pointers: energy level. time management. activities to better myself, activities outside of self-improvement. emotions, cause and effect. And how to reverse the effect. ---------- I don't know what to write. It's all pointless. fuck i want to game so badly. i can't think of anything else. I made myself fake buy a gaming laptop, see how far i would go. didn't really resolve anything. want to give in. why should i care about a life without gaming. it's what i'm good at so f*ck off. I feel angry, why should i not game? doesnt make sense anymore.

Get insight how your day looks like. I had the same thing, i quit very strongly for 3 months straight, then i relapsed. The next time i tried to quit it was sloppy and lazy, i didnt change much, almost nothing actually. Write down the stuff you do, or the small things that make you game again. Find a course or a new hobby, or start running. Maybe find an accountability partner or stop right now with gaming, tell everyone on your family you are quitting. Give someone 500 dollars in preservation, tell 'em to send it to any charity of their choice if you game again. Commit to your commitment again. You know it, you know how it feels if it goes well. I'd like to end with a quote "if you’re used to be happy, and now you’re not, then you should go back the way it was when you were happy"

These are some pretty big general questions you're asking so lets break it down a bit. you're saying its 'better to know the truth', is this the truth? do you accept the tests conclusion? this is not clear to me. I point this out because when i started to look for tests and analyses such as these, it always felt and looked like they where true, and they where pointing out a shortcoming. A little example; I used to find in most tests and descriptions that i lack initiative. I learned to accept myself, and now i can see, with clearity that i just like to do things with people i like. I'm not going to the beach with my neighbour for that exact reason. Self-development is always cutting 2 edges (is that a correct saying?) if there is a 100% perfect image, there also has to be a lower standard, conclusion then that. So what i'll encourage you to do, is identify on which fronts you want to change. Not necessarily improvements. Say "I want more social interaction" is something so different to "i suck at socalizing or conversation". They might both be true, but that's not always the case. If you live in the sahara dessert you can say the same, and nobody will say it's your fault. Okay i hope i'm making sense. Now i want to comfort you a little. I currently live in a building with 15 other's, all have autism or something else. We all pretty much suck at starting a conversation, and making deeper conversations then "the cow's where really loudly last night", but that's okay. What is your threshold? what do you want more? otherwise, accept yourself man, it's the shortest way to a little bit of happiness. To depict what i mean: - i'm a pretty social guy, although i have some weird contradiction in my personality. Despite this, i always wondered why my fellow housemembers where not talking and why that was. Where they okay with it? did they needed help starting or a different reason. So sometimes i ask someone if they like to talk, or why they are a bit silenced. I never got the feeling, idea or even the slightest reason i would think they where lying. She was totally okay with not talking for 30 minutes for example, and i was always thinking in a bit of arrogant way that she had difficulty talking, while that wasn't the case at all. That's my question, right there: be okay with how you are. And if you're not change it. Bit by bit. Stay true to yourself. Btw, did you know gaming will like crush your emotions, and mute basic feelings? I wonder now, did you make the test while quitting just after? if yes, it's normal to feel that way or get that conclusion. I would seriously do it over a few months again. Maybe the outcome is totally different. (resuming later on due to some stuff)

Its' been a week. I have had time to think and read, and got many conclusions, but the one that sticks out now is that - i can't just change 1 thing. It will not be enough, i have to create alternatives for my extra time, and be Conscious about my mindset and the messed up paths in my head. I've got an accountibility partner now to, and it is a gamechanger i feel. I can talk whenever i want, just to have said it and expressed myself. Otherwise these plans and thoughts would fester and rot or dissappear in a cave of tons of information. Today, and yesterday i went through such a strange train of emotions, from feeling depressed, to lonely to very very calm. And then the next morning i didn't know what to do and felt powerless, unable to change what i need to. But i'm calming myself by talking, and reading respawn again. Those first 3 lessons did wonders, i remembered the words but it came to me in a new and profound way. I guess i did make process in the last months, although it didn't feel like it. Otherwise i wouldnt have this anticipation on respawn, knowing what doesnt work for me anymore and finding a new way to apply the terms. I will change. I will change. I will change.

Rick, Signing in. I'm not where i wanna be, and gaming is the cause of that, or me gaming. Yesterday i started respawn again, going through it over and over and really trying to find myself again. I also found a accountability partner in like 5 seconds via discord, and i'm pretty stoked about that. I want to write here more again, and i want to trust the process. I want to leave this burden of failures and feeling shit. I want to engage in everything, with energy and creativity, determination and willpower. I need to be in control myself, not my craving for gaming. Together with no-gaming i'm doing no-fap also, i can only acknowledge it ties into gaming so much, its entwined at a disturbing level. I expect to feel bored, lost and down over the next weeks, but i'm fine with that. My biggest trap will be that i don't double down but i will find excuses to reward myself with gaming because i'm going good, and i dont know how i can keep that in check, i'll guess i keep talking to my buddy, and keep naming that. Regards

I feel so the same. I know everything, i have the steps, the logic behind it. It's so fucking hard to push yourself into that action-stepping-baricade-crushing flow that i have been experienced, but only now and then and mostly after relapses.

The utter emotions of feeling so shit that I wanna flush myself down the toilet is hard. I hit rockbottom, again. And again. And probably again in the future. It hurts to know that I’ll won’t be able to maintain my streak. I can’t even trust myself. I just don’t know how I will be next week. Why is it always going up and down? I’m drowning in my thoughts and emotions. Something is not right but I cannot fix it. I can’t keep steady. How do I get over this? It started with an unsure gut feeling that I can’t describe that good. And then I just installed 1 game. After that another, and the train started to ride the trail, unstoppable by any force. I think I made 16 hours, and after that 18. I’m not good at moderation. At least on anything media related, I know that. But this was just a bull breaking down my momentum and defenses, raging and destroying anything that I build up. Why is it so strong? I don’t understand it. From a distanced perspective I understand everything that happened, I can describe it. I do when I’m with my mental coach. But I cannot make all those good decisions I’m so enthusiastically about against him when I’m in that moment that I need to make them. The circle is complete. Now I’m calm, and clear in my head. But it won’t stay that way. Storm is coming. It never ends.. It never stops.. Rick

Thanks Ben! This monday is a bit soggy, like the rest of past week. It's so hot and warm here and i'm plowing through every afternoon. Getting things on track feels good. I have had a lot of thoughts and insights this week. Writing it all down is a good way to get rid of all the unnessecary stuff. I i have progressed with my REWIRE collage. I will make a photo off it when i'm done, and i have to hurry because this week ill start more new stuff, implent a few things like an evening routine (to get my ass in bed at 10PM) and the habbit to walk, write and express myself always (because i tend to lock every thought in my mindvault). The why questions in my head are never gone tho. Sometimes i get in a dreary mood and i can't counter it very well yet. The question is always "why would i do this?" and/or "for who or what would i do it?". Sometimes i can grasp the life and sometimes i feel it pour through my fingers. oh, i remember the 1 insight that has me thinking very, very well. It's this: i'm constantly evaluating myself. That came clear as water to me last week. And it feels really vulrenable and painful to think about it. I stumbled upon this quora question: https://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-and-how-can-I-stop-myself-from-continuously-evaluating-myself-compare-myself-with-others-and-envy-others-success That's what i will be busy with this week. Enjoy your week to.

It's monday today, starting day of the week. It's hot here, so very hot. It' cooler in my room then outside hehe. I've been good this week, not hard for me to fall back into old routines (i mean it has not been hard to avoid those things) but then again i started to rewire my brain from the 12th and with that to abstain from my laptop for 3 months (except monday's). And after the 90day mark i will get 1 day more each 2 months, so over 13 months i will be good to go, being able to handle the desire and responsibility. I'm reading a lot these days, mostly Mark Manson articles and GQ videos. It is helping me in a way i couldnt imagine before. Normally i drown myself into every article that is about self develepment and any other that leans towards that. I'm picky now, thinking how i could apply it or i just forget it immediately. I think i can claim i'm past the point of only making plans. It's 50/50 now. I'm really glad about that.

That's epic advice @Hitaru. I will use that. What i want to add is that at the end of the day you find yourself remembering truly only everything that you are interested in. I read a lot, about various topics. I read about parenting, psychology (i'm crazy about that), journalism, politics etc. But i can still not say that i know a lot about those things, and i think that's mainly due to experience. You have to experience most topics to actively remember it. I do think your brain stores more then you think but it will only come up when you really need it. So maybe you don't feel like you know much, or have even any interesting thoughts about something but that is simply not true. I read about politics but i still don't know how all systems and mechanics work, all protocolls etc. Do you know what i do remember? how politicians discuss and debate. How they try to pursuade someone else. That's 1 example. You see, i'm interested in the whole topic but at the end of the day the memory will be of very specific about some certain things. Hope this makes sense to you

A friendly aquaintance came over today. I was just so surprised, he asked me how i was and i couldnt form any answer that would satisfy him. And he looked right through me and came to the conclusion i'm not so well. It made me a bit depressed so i watched porn. And then i was angry at myself, but to go down like this is beneath me. So i won't fall into the pit, i'll just stand at the edge for now. Tomorrow i make my way back to the beach.

I'm reading through the journals and i see i'm not the only one who is jojo-ing. I can observe 2 reasons for myself; i'm trying to do perfect, and i can maintain that streak for a period of time but if i don't maintain it's right into hell again (so to speak). and 2, im maybe not giving a 100%. And when i say that i can say that my intention is to go the whole way but i am not changing everything. I'm not applying everything. This last week has been very interesting because i do have made progress. I'm not in this whole "everything has to be perfect" mindset but i can say that i hit rockbottom again. How to not restart, but continue? I don't know exactly but i have a sheet of paper where i will write stuff down to make me consciously. I will hang this paper above my laptop. I'll write things on it like "REWIRE YOUR BRAIN" etc. I have thought about this. And i just finished a project that i have been procrastinating on for freaking 3 years now. And i wann add: it took me a total of like 3 or 4 hours to do it. So i'm just laughing here in myself, wth have i been doing for 3 years?! ^^. So ye. Maybe it isn't all that bad, and maybe i am not starting again from zero. Maybe i'm halfway and i actually have something to lose now. And i can't grasp that yet. Time will teach me..

non-existant. A trail lesson at the nearest mma school is coming up and i'm going to swim together with a friend once a week, we havent started that yet because the outdoors pool is not open until the end of may. EDIT: i occasionally play soccer and we have sports activities with the group every week, wednesday EDIT: Lol i'm youtubing, the next vid https://youtu.be/oyGB-qcm-fg shows up in my recommended feed and around the first mark i hear exactly what is happened to me right now.

What triggered you to play again? Can't deny myself the pleasure of playing anymore. I had a 7 weeks score of detox but i never felt happy. Either gloomy or flat. En these last 2 weeks have been a blast in peaks of cheerfulness. Although it has broke my ability to function. I may have screwed my work (not paid, but more then just voluntary) and 2 people around me say they experienced me better in my detox then now. I had a long talk with my mentalh coach yesterday. I said it took so long to see result of anything, in the detox i felt so very frequently tired and had to take a nap. And.. i'm just comparing now.. but deep down i know i have to abstain again, make the right decision because i can't live like this either. but i don't know.

I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.

Mhyrion you have an excellent way of posting. Keep going, write everything down and use it to jumpstart your next activity. Did you go to church this easter weekend?

Your going really well Kevin. Not returning to the forum for a while is normal. I had the same urges and didn't understand. I saw so many people post every day but it shows that you deal with this in another manner then journaling. Keep using this as a check is my tip however!

I intend to follow you. Your journal is very, very interesting to me and i definitely can learn from you. Keep up the journaling!

No update this week. I'm thinking about a way to be more informative. I want to add to the community but my ego is also claiming space, i'm comparing to others and that's not a good sign so i'll think on that for a week. Any suggestions how i can keep close to myself but also be (sarcasm incoming) the inspiring demon defeating example of a perfect knight. It's just stupid. I've got this vision of myself in the (near) future, i learn for that future now and i'm happy with that. But i see other people shine and i want to be them sometimes. Why is that? i'm doing pretty well myself. Any advice welcome. Greetz, Rick

I'm going into the fourth week. The last 7 days where an average of an average week. Lot's of empty time in almost every day. I realize a bit more what 'Doubling down' means, or what Cam meant with it in that particular video. Where i first used every habit and structure, every plan and idea to get out of my funk, my messed up brain related to gaming i now have to see those things as a means to build, to find out what i want. otherwise i'll just end up at square 1. I do have some exciting stuff planned like applying as a volunteer for the red cross. That means i get a basic first aid training. Something i want for a while now. I also finished respawn except the last lesson and it's like i'm reading it all for the first time and i get the reasoning behind every step and action so much better now. I'm in a hurry so i can't tell much more, but i do want to do a big update next week, so i can fall back on that in times of need. And i have done 4 weeks of abstaining then so it's time to reflect. I am convinced however i need a bit more time before i completely go back to acces to my laptop all days. I'm thinking about stretching the 1 day to 2 days and so forth. Much better to do it step by step then from 1 extreme to the other. I'll catch you over next week. Rick

Sometimes the good old solution of napping is all that's needed to charge yourself mentally again in the afternoon (not after 15:00, 20 minutes tops)

Another week. Yet again no peaks in mood or behaviour. I'm feeling at my best. I'm actually a little bit confused that i don't have any frustration or irritation. I'm not angry, or sad. In every other detox (yet none like this one, abstaining completely from my laptop) i had those phases of sadness, then anger, then frustration, then resignation or i relapsed. I might do something right this time. Some lessons i learned along the way i have been here on the forum and following Cam's yt videos is to live and plan with intention. And while i reflect i can say that is truly what i do now. Something i also recognize is that i have each day a moment of insight about something. It's really fun and interesting, i had a whole conversation about it with my mental coach. Let's wrap up; i started with respawn (again like i said). I'm now halfway. I realized i have almost no social activities and i need 1 or 2 good ones for when i'm bored and then i'm all set to replace the empty hours my passivity left behind.each day i'm thinking about follow-ups to ideas and things i really wanna do. It takes time for most of those but eventually i'll get there.That's it. See ya next week. Rick

A week has gone by. The results are extreme. In that they are not. I don't feel very different but the outcome of my actions is drastically improved. I used to sink away in passive behavior when i felt tired, and i end up gaming or watching youtube. Now i work on my puzzle, i'll walk or i read.I wasnt happy at the end of the day because i always felt and sometimes still do that i could have done more. I'm slowly leaving that mindset behind.I can actually follow up my ideas and word/promises. It's great to know that people trust you and i can improve this even more by becoming a beast with time. I really do this for myself because it takes so much mind space otherwise, always running after each appointment and assignment. These last 2 days i also felt empty. I realized i havent going on much that i really care about. I want to meet more people because friday and saturday evenings are just plain lonely. On that i'm taking action. Upcoming week i'll probably will feel worse. But that's okay. Rick