Rick Boon

Big update. I'm back to journaling once a week to maintain what i have going now. I cleared up a lot of chaos lately. I organised my week, my every day. I have written down all my ideas, projects and courses i want to take in 1 easy list. The thing that brought me back here is this: throughout this winter i had several resets, relapses, depressions and difficulty with managing my time. Basically: how i want to live my life, and have my focus and time at the right area's. There is still something left in me that makes me hunger for a game. So i decided that although i don't mind struggling, what i experienced this winter is just not what i want and how i want it the rest of my life. An idea was send to me from somewhere and it became clear to me i need to have some time off of my laptop. I remembered how well i did after a detox years ago. i hadnt gamed for 8 weeks and i was just so clear in my mind when i came home. Of course i hadn't changed my environment back then so i got off track. But now i have done so much more and i really evolved if i compare then to now. I sat down my basically my 1 only very good friend and i asked him only 1 thing: can i store my laptop with you for 4 weeks? he of course said yes, he was quite surprised and happy that i asked him for help. We came up with a plan, that i would have my laptop for 1 day. For all the important stuff that i can pile up through the week. I am so thrilled because this is entirely my decision and i believe so strongly that it's going to work out well. Mostly because i have such big ambitions for myself, and now i can really focus on them. Spend all my time and energy on it while still having balance with relaxing etc. I have planned out the 4 weeks how i probably will be going to feel, and that will strengthen me, because i am in control. What will be different after 4 weeks? I will have completed respawn one more time. And now really serious. The first time i did it i did not took everything seriously. Maybe 50%. Also i will have spend time at for example writing. I will be exercising. I will have planned how often i'm going to take initiative to meet family, friends. My sleep will rock. I cook every 2 days 1 meal for 2 days (already do, will only be better). And the more serious mentally effects i expect (because i once had them before after another detox) is that i can speak my mind. Not holding back, be sensitive. Communicate in an awesome manner. So yeah.. that's my agenda Every monday you'll see my journal update. Greetz, Rick PS: Rock on

Hi Myhyrion. I read your journal and your latest post. I have 2 pieces of advice for you. 1# pick 1 person and promise to call him/her when you feel really, really bad. Depressed or hurting yourself. Trust him or her with handling how shitty you feel. and 2# The goal can never be stable on its own. Take 3 things, or less, or more that you want to do right. Maybe journal here should be 1 of them. Doing these things right is being stable. It never is about feeling great, or awesome, or feeling stabilized the whole day. Greetz, Rick PS: your mood swings. The extremity of it, the conscious decisions to go deeper in the the dark. It will shatter. Probably not today, but maybe tomorrow. Maybe you see what good you did yesterday, and you know you can do it again.

I've been thinking (not to much) lately and come up with some explanations with my use of the forum. It has been more of a on/off relation then 1 steady road and i find myself feeling guilty why i'm not able to maintain it consistently. It's actually a good thing tho. I am not a pc guy, a typical nerd if you like. I have a problem with gaming, and that draws me to my laptop but that's pretty much it. I love movies to but besides that i can't see it more then just a tool. To summarize; i see people journal daily, add and talk very often about their process etc. I can't do that because i do most of this in my head. I get my satisfaction from people around me, playing boardgames, having a good structured day etc. Not that special but my laptop is not in it except the movies, where my laptop is a tool to see them. Last week i had a pretty down moment and i felt self pity, but also a refreshing perspective about myself; I am a perfect example of an average man who is struggling with the same problems every year. That thought hold me for a while. It was never my intention to be where i am now. That's neither good or bad, it just is. How do i tackle this? I don't trust myself anymore with goals. Today i try something new tho. I should be trying something new everyday, but i don't. Today is different. One of the lasts video's of Cam about the 'second thought' is still lingering in my mind, i write it down on my whiteboard. It should change my life.

I can't sleep. My whole damn life i'm giving other people power over my mood, if i dare to say something, if i speak my mind. And i feel so mixed. I'm always in the same corner of trying and explaining people why i didnt keep my promise. I. Am. So. Tired. Of. It. Even now, i feel a little guilty because it's always 'me, me me'. I don't want it to be about me. I want it to be about what i do, about life, special life moments, about what i can do, not what i should do. I'm not here on this earth to miss things, to leave life empty, to skip the precious connections. And look at me now.. Now i'm actually truly wishing and wanting something, sitting in my room. I'm not satisfied, not in my progress nor in my skill development. Listen to me. I'm leaving it behind. I think i could have done so much more, with the right tools and mind set. Doesn't matter now. i set the quote on my wall. That was the starting line (yesterday). I will not fall behind. No wait, i mean i will not slow down. I'm running this alone. I just thought about that. Everyone is alone, no one can look in your head and be part of you, If i say your name, will there be 2 answers? Are you 2 person's? no, i'm running this alone.

flow of thoughts.. i have build momentum... I feel distance between me and my gaming past. But i'm also a little bit lost in a sea of ideas and actions i don't have to forget to take. I need to get organized. Despite the momentum i had a little bit passive last week. Just hanging on my couch watching a movie or browsing the internet. Just to much to my liking. I've progressed with my 1 year plan, but now i reached a point from where i'm a little lost. Funny because that is the idea of the plan, to give me a standard how to handle almost every situation. What i intend to start from this week is to say out loud what i'm going to do. I think it's a good way to be active in my thinking, how i don't let things happen to me, but i will happen to things. Does that make sense? haha. I wrote a quote on my whiteboard to get me going for this new habit. There is something else on my mind however, for the last few days. I cannot oversee it in my head, so i'll rant here for a bit. I saw the BEYOND video. Overlooked the introduction page, the questions. I thought "is this maybe something for me?". "would this give me a firm boost in the right direction?". But what if it doesnt fit me? what if i fail? and havent i already, because i would let my progress be dependent of a program, why shouldnt i be able to do this myself? Besides that i'm brutally triggered by the message of BEYOND. I can't type anymore, i'm full, or empty, or whatever you call it. I retreat, chill out for 30 minutes and then go to sleep. I will come back to this topic another time. Rick

The one you called is the only one i knew ;). I think however that we have a thread somewhere around with such things.

You definitely got this.

This is spot on for me, going through the same thing now with intervals (usually around 2 weeks or so). First i think your solutions are quite well. End question should be: Are you satisfied with how you dealt with it/them? if not i suggest you try something else, like saying different answers, or gain perspective with different thoughts maybe? To answer more specifically: I answer directly saying i don't like their way/manner. Or i distance myself (literally or in head) and talk to them later about the incident.Yes, if i dare and if i use the previous latter solutionThis i do in 50% of all, or maybe even 60 or 70% of all incidents.I'm also really curious about other people's solutions. 1 small (bit unrelated) tip if you have difficulty talking to people is to start with something small. I use "can i talk to you for a second?" and it's really powerful because you create a moment first. That way you break it in small pieces. Oh btw, let me list my irritations, to see what we all find annoying (it's quite serious tho hehe) people who don't trust me with keeping appointments, who keep reminding you the time, the date etc. Only close friends and family have more space about this. Score: 9People who knock on my door really, REALLY hard. The sound is unbearable, and this happend a few times a week (now not anymore luckily). Score 9Myself, if i'm going to late to bed, start to late with preparing to go to an appointment/friend and eventually shows up to late. Score 8 That's it!

Couple of things. I had a strange week. I'm doing good but i had some nights where i totally lost control and just did a tablet game for 6 straight hours. This influenced my mornings of course and i'm not happy about that. So i will focus on that for a month. Other things: - i start this week with a schedule of a 100 day plan to learn a skill/habit or otherwise. I got this tip from a dutch writer, and i was inspired because i can manage such a thing on my whiteboard, i got enough space for it. - I start reading again this week. Bought 2 books and i'm exited to build up my evenings from such activities. And now i think about it, my days are overall fine, but in the evening i tend to passivity again. I feel like i have the right to be rewarded, so thats also a thought i will be more aware of, and counter it.

Great post, smashing results and i'm just. .wow, it is a great recap how one's progress goes and how life can be changed!

Another week. I'm more and more involved with other activities outside my room. I feel good now, but i remember feeling bad this week because i was thinking i could have done more. Things that i'm glad i did: - went to belgium to get a trunk full of fireworks - went to my family after not having visited for atleast 3 months - i followed through with obligations. I didnt had the best week, but i did what i had to do. Also i am having so much ideas like an on-going train for the last 2 weeks, ideas for thing i want to experience or learn. I'm writing everything down to include in my 'life-plan'. That's it! enjoy your days guys, i know i will (most of it)

A small update from me, - haven't finished my big plan yet, but i'm still working on it, write down subjects, make up categories etc. - the last 2 weeks have been an absolute blast. I can make contact with people so good, like i'm just so amazed by the fact i can actually socialize and i like it! nofap is going great, not gaming a lot harder, i reinstalled one time and then deleted again, but it is still in my blood and i think everyday that this is just something i need to get through to rewire my system. I have some new things going on and that helps a lot to stay focused on what i actually want from life. Don't know when i post again, have a great week guys

The fact that you speak japanese is already so awesome to me.

amazing day. Yesterday i started to work on something i had long in mind. Earlier i was making a 1 year plan, when i thought "why not going big?". Someone said in his journal (i dont remember who) "wouldnt it be easier if there was just 1 book with everything written in, every solution to every problem". This made me think. I have had such thoughts since i was born, just because it's pretty hard for me to see the 'frame' or setting rules in certain situations like social events, or taking space in relation to my neighbours for example. They are very friendly, but i'm never certain if i can just walk in their house (i know they don't mind, they said it some times, but if there is already something slightly different from the previous situation i think it might not apply). I thought big. I'm making some sort of omnipotent map or description for a set of categories i made up. It will contain my motivation, my future plans, the present focus (not more then 1 or 2 specific goals i will work on), routines and systems i use everyday (like in the morning or evening), the needs i want to fulfill, triggers etc, dont wanna share to much about it, maybe when i'm done . I'm making it at a huge plate of wood with paper on it, so i have a clear oversight hehe. I plan to finish it this week, am hugely motivated for it. I'm sleeping well to, making amends with people and just being a grown up (don't feel that way that much, but that's okay) hehe. Have a nice week!

huh! if you explain it that way it sounds actually pretty good. i've been looking for such a replacement myself to (not school as that isnt an option right now) but i couldn't find it just yet. I hope this goes well for you (i can certainly see the potential of the whole plan :). I will keep following your journal.

Hi Simon, Why do you want to replace gaming with only 1 activity? it is quite hard to find such an including hobby/acitivity that covers the same needs gaming does to that level. Will school be enough?

Hey Rui, good to have you, have you looked at the respawn program yet?

a much younger voice! how old are you again?

haha your voice was so different then i imagined

You have a very strong way of telling what your going through Fagus, it's great to read it, it encourages myself to to make changes, thanks for that.

update: i'm watching GQ youtube videos and looking for a very challenging hobby (googeling it right now), i finish my 1 year plan this evening, but after that i want to think more about what person i want to become, and how i can apply that to my daily routine, i do that tomorrow.

I don't know what to do. I'm silenced inside since monday, i feel like an empty well. I do not see any point in doing anything, except that i know i don't wanna do things that give instant gratification, like porn or game. I want to rewire, redesign myself but i have build up some bad reputations in certain area's within 2 years. I feel very little, i'm writing here because this is my last grasp on my own life's control. What do i do?

I feel like shit. Yesterday i finally submitted a photo of my ID to steam support. It was the last step to do for the termination of my account. Today i had a talk with 2 workers of the office (mental health coaches), asking about why i lost vision of my goals over the last 6 months. I said what i had done, i said i wanted to apply for a pre-study of 2 years to get already some experience and certificates for the next study, which is the police education. 1 of the workers reminded me that i probably can't handle the job because of my autism and such. He is the fifth guy in 3 weeks time that is saying i need to think really hard if i will be able to do this. Now i'm just rethinking everything, and i'm thinking about what i did accomplish over the last years, which is not very much, and that hurts. I mean, i'm writing this down while i'm taking a dump, i dont even care now anymore for manners! @AlexTheGrape thx for your comment, i'm actually in the progress of writing a 5 year plan, and i plan to use the method you described, like keeping it really small and simple, i definitely think it will help! Alright, that's it for today, i log in to discord for an hour and then i go to bed.

I can relate to this, i went a week to france this summer and after i returned home gaming was all i could think about. Do you want some advice?

Welcome! your the first gamedev (i think) we have in here. Did you start already with respawn? I think you can greatly benefit from our community, and we from your knowledge how the other side of a game looks like (creators and stuff), no pressure tho!