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Rick Boon

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Everything posted by Rick Boon

  1. If you do it for the 100th time, i do it for the 99th time. Good to see you are still going though. Maybe it feels like failing, but 10 years from now you'll remember each time you detoxed, each time you tried to change something. Lets start crossing everything off that list!
  2. I had an extremely satisfying day and i will report tomorrow some more, and start with my 2 'recovery' beliefs.
  3. I'll answer that today booksandtrees. Quick update from my phone, before this relapse I had 2 core believes that I referred to. Now I will come up with 2 believes that I want to grow in, and to familiarise myself with.
  4. I lost again. This weekend wasn't so good. Now i just don't want to game anymore. I'll repeat my quitting progress, have to. I know the drill. Unsubbing any gaming channels, deleting history, bookmarks and the anything related to gaming. Deleting my games itself. Only 1 this time, but my goodness what i poured into it these days again. A little bit of money, extreme hours and so much effort for making new characters.
  5. This is good advice, thank you. It seems though i find this very difficult, in general. How do you know when you have to follow your own intuition? what gives my opinion priority over others? because its my life? hm, that seems a good answer. This hard. I have to think more about this.
  6. I have a problem. I have some people in my life who are saying i can still game, i just have to stay in check. Its making me doubt. It's easier to either game or not. But now i'm doing both. On Day 1 i'm gaming, and day i'm quitting. I'm not sure what to do about this. I have been building on my hobbies though, and i'm all the better for it. So i will expand on that.
  7. My parents are bickering again. I don't like that. It hurts. It hurts the soul, deeply. It gave me memories about my youth, when someone was crying. My sister, because I wasn't listening to her. My mother, when I didn't do what she asked. I'm just feeling so emotional about such moments. I wish I could go back, and right after ask for forgiveness. I was also pondering about why I'm a little sensitive about this stuff. I still remember. I don't forget lightly. "loose ends" I call them. All the sorries I still have to say to people. Family, old friends. I feel like a little boy, still not wanting to engage in conflict and even the slight possibility to differ in opinion. Not to the people I love. I wonder if its normal or healthy. I have to stick up for myself, right? But if I hear my parents fighti want to do something to change that. Why is it still the same? It's been done over and over for a thousand times. Same words, same discussions. Meh, I don't want to be in the same room when they do. How do I cope?
  8. Hey fawn_xoxo, thanks for responding in my journal. For my own reasons i cannot answer you. You can read my journal back to see when i started this template and to understand a little why i have it set up like this. Last but not least, I don't think you are wrong. I think you say a lot of good stuff, and i am going to check out the "Mind over mood" book. Have a good day.
  9. Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). Today I related to this by: how conscious i was. Today we went to buy fireworks. It is something we do every year and this year was no different. My brother had invited one of his friends. I knew him, I liked him. But there is still some fear in me, whenever i meet someone i knew from the old kindergarten school days, friends of my family. It always goes very heartily, but on the inside i'm thinking so much about their judgement, their view of me. I'm now 25 and not that well accomplished. Havent had much achievements. Mostly its okay, but i was so anxious throughout the day. Don't want to. I'm now at a point where i can recognize when i do overthink, but like today, don't have the way to deal with it yet. I'm going to stop writing now, little bit tired. Tomorrow is the last day before new years eve, i'm going to enjoy them both. Cheers
  10. Today was a (Scottish accent) GREAT day. We prepared for new year's eve. We made deep fried dougnut balls (that's the translating google is giving), or "Oliebollen" the whole day. It was a lot of fun. I had some nice social contact, i really enjoyed us banding together, bantering together and being at each other's throat for sport. I also talked seriously about a friend of my dad's who joined us for the day. How i can let go and deal with my dad micromanaging sometimes, or using the same words and sentences i have heard for so many years. It's not always nice. Mostly just a manner of giving commands, shallow communication. But i told that friend that i don't want to react in this bitter, resentful state. I love my dad. However he is. I asked that friend for advice, and he gave some and i will remember that into the end of times. "Accept him for who he is. He will do so much for you if you do". That, together with practical examples was really something i didn't expect to take seriously, but i did. I will bend the way words can hurt me. I will love my father, and myself for who we are. There are always 2 in any social interaction. I can do my part. I want to. Alright. Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). Today I related to this by: When i was talking to that friend of my dad, i was still holding back a little. Like forming sentences in my head but not speaking them, and saying something more generic. I just wanted to say "I love my dad, i want to learn how i can love him more, because sometimes his words hurt". This holding back is not new to me, i have been doing that my whole life. Sometimes i feel really open and i will speak freely, but that's hard to achieve in a normal conversation. It isnt always the place and time for it either, but i would want to have it more. To let people see the real me, so i can give them a chance to do the same, and to either accept me or refuse me. It's fine. It really is. Now what to do? i can say "no more holding back!" but that is basically saying "lets stop being human and be one crazy person who is only converse on the deepest level ever". But i want to speak my mind more, not be afraid of the other person's judgement or maybe scare her. Lets do this. I will talk more about this tomorrow perhaps. Oh before i forget. I observed myself in need of emotional feelings. My thoughts started to go to porn, trying to image and i was baffled after a few seconds, because i was having a great time. For now i'm thinking moments like this (an emotional need) are things like hugging, cuddle or kiss that i miss. A girlfriend. But it can also be a good conversation with someone i love or like about anything serious really. Just after that moment we played a board game and i could pour it into that, into banter and such. Evaluating on 1 or 2 January: My sleeping pattern Nofap, and how i dealt with cravings thus far. Any need for me to double down on something? A new or already proven way? Did i set myself up for succes? Do i need to let go something? can i continue how i am doing now?
  11. It's Silencedmind. I changed it to something more recognizable.
  12. That went not well in my last relapse run. I did start with single player, ended up playing Team Fortress 2 and Lotro. There is no way around it, right now i'm not committing. I'm not going for a 100%, as long i have that game on my laptop i'm in danger. Sjoti gave me another look on it, couple of days ago. What has changed between now and then that will let you make a different decision? I'm going to sleep with that slogan.
  13. @Matt S read it. its exactly whats happening to me to. You gave it words. Alright. Today is a new day. Got up at 5:45. Went to bed early. I'm pretty happy about that because i went the last 3 evenings to bed whenever the rest of the family was going, but i was done with that. Just want normal sleeping hours again. I also found my filler in the morning. I'm not going for crazy standards again. I always had this notion that i had to have this really strict and tight morning schedule, like "waking up - exercising - eating eggs and 5 kilos of broccoli" etc. I am going to excercise eventually, but right now for example i'm away from home, don't have my clothes with me, things are more lose. I just want to get up early, thats the only thing really. I did read somewhere, where the writer explained that he tried to get up early but there was nothing there, because if you dont have something to do its a little bit void. Realizing that i found something that i already knew of, and already tried once and thats perfect, because now i'm more familiar with it. It's the Wim Hofman Method. Breathing, stretching and cold exposure at some point. It should be fun. I'm very interested in Wim Hofman anyway, and i think the low key exercise will fit perfectly in my morning. Okay, time to evaluate Sleep pattern, how well did i sleep? did i go to bed consistently, am i happy about the state of it or do desire to change it? This is going well. i have maintained this for a week (i think), then i went to my parents and i didn't maintain. Didnt saw the need for it because it was cozy and social every evening. Last night i went back however to going to bed when i'm tired, and that is most of the time around 9, 930. My use of discord. Right now its in a sweet spot where i hang out in the evening. However, if i'm restless and i start to use it to fill hours i want to change my use of it. This has not happened. In the past it became something that functioned to get self esteem from, from good conversations and responses. I'm not focus on that, and i'm always reading the chat but not participating. I like how it is now. nofap; specificely, how did i deal with cravings? do i need to remind myself of the small steps that are involved? do i need to reread the reddit answer? I have also a book on nofap. thats one of my small steps and i need to take it. I did deal well with cravings but that is mostly because i'm not at home now, and still have 4 days to go before i will. That makes it a lot easier, i'm afraid what will happen if i return to home, but i can help myself by reminding why i want to do this, and keep saying to myself that i am in control. Did i set myself up for failure at some point? did i let something go that i shouldnt have? did i commit edging? I did let something go, will answer that in the last question. I have deleted my steam account, i am taking action in other areas to so i think i did not set myself up for failure. Did i forgive myself, do i forgive myself now? I have forgiven myself this week, for a number of things. Do i need to delete my game from gog? I'm procrastinating this right now. It's a single player game. I'm hoping to finish it and thén start my new life.
  14. Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). Today I related to this by: I didnt, i think. I might have, but havent noticed yet. I had a very good day. We played plenty of boardgames, went for a walk in a nearby village, lots of fun. My insight today was this; whenever i'm gaming, my world is centered around that. in the bus, at family, work. All my braincells are focused unto the next moment of pleasure. When i'm not gaming, that pressure and such cravings aren't there, in that way. I feel like i'm investing, building and wanting so much to explore. It's a great feeling. Feeling of growth, i believe. I restarted my reddit day counter, had to. I'm going to continue that. I'm going to take some steps to make momentum count for something. For starters, i now have the "about to relapse?" page from the GQ website as my homepage on my mobile. It will be the first thing i see whenever i'm looking for porn on my mobile. I want to create more such barriers. Any tips welcome. I know there are addons and blockers? havent really gave it that much thought tho, i don't know why. I'm feeling tired, but that's good. Evidence of an active day. I will journal tomorrow, and this week, and this month. I like doing it suddenly. Never before had i this desire to write here then now. Merry christmas to all PS: i still have some stuff to evaluate, i'm going to do that the day after tomorrow. Lots of time and silence then.
  15. Today is a good day. I hope to journal this evening, but i'm at my parents house so there might be a board game or movie playing. As i predicted, i'm a bit numb. I'm making contact, enjoying myself but the feeling is for a silly reason. the temperature is way higher at my parents then in my own apartment. This makes me sluggish and languid. what a beautiful word actually. I feel this way to much after i have gamed or did porn. thats something i want to leave behind. I know this for a long time, but havent acted on it. Now that i'm starting again with taking charge of my life, i want to act on this. I don't know yet what to do on it yet. Yes, i know a walk can do you good, but i've never been much of a walker. once in a while i went to the meadow next to our terrain, it was fun to walk in there. But i'm not sure i want to do that, i want to have fun at it a little bit, otherwise its just a chore. thinking out loud. i can do a walk over the terrain, i dont mind that. small parts of forrest are nearby, but a tad to far to walk to. i imagine me walking for maybe an hour. that should be a good amount. if its dry, i can mountainbike perhaps. I have been waiting and waiting for this, but have only been with others, in a group. But i cant do that when its dark. I'm going to get back on this another time.
  16. Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). Today I related to this by: I havent been honest to myself. I relapsed in porn and gaming this weekend. i didn't think i would. I have to be honest to myself. I have no willpower, almost none. This is my life. I cant change it in one day. I have to start over and over and over again, until my dying breath. Okay that's a bit theatrical but isnt it right? I have always been observing other people. Very regular thoughts where "how do other people do stuff? decide stuff? make choices or make changes?". This is not strange to me. i can relate this to my autism. And it's good to think about this, i think. With that in mind, i recognize gaming has changed me into someone who is only standing on the sideline. i dont feel power to change something. Today i relate to belief 1 and 2 by understanding that i haven't been honest to myself, because i didnt think it was worth it. I wasnt' worth it. I sometimes think other people find me not worth it. Okay. Today i opted for deleting my steam account. its a good choice. the ticket has been send. @Matt S i've been reading your post now for 3 times in the last few days. thanks for that help and support. i forgive myself. right now. I forgive myself for not being honest to myself, for watching porn and for giving up on myself for a moment there. I don't want this to hold power over me. the past shouldn't hold that grip on you, on me. i forgive myself. i'm going to talk later this evening some more. right now i'm going to eat, be a little more with my family.
  17. I'm in a bad place. I relapsed with porn yesterday twice, today once. I got my laptop this evening back. One of the reasons it went so well this last week is because i didnt have my laptop in my room, but i had acces to it if i wanted. For journaling, etc. So when i got it back, i wasnt relapsing immediately. I didn't feel that rush, that high when i started anno1404 again. I finished the game and deinstalled. Have now mount and blade warband installed. I'm not sure what i want to do now.
  18. Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). Today I related to this by: I have been moody. At work for example, i didn't make contact. i hid myself for an hour. i don't know why i do that. I do know i'm having thoughts about "they see me coming" etc, very negative. i don't know how to break it. I might find a strategy. Maybe taking some smaller steps. I'm so focus on the end result i want to have, when i'm hiding. "i just want to quit" is it mostly. But there is of course a whole conversation between it. I think i relate to the above beliefs in this way today. Whenever i'm down, i am still beating myself for being in that state, and i am actively witholding myself of repair by talking (or doing anything really to work on it). I don't count. This is what i'll bend, maybe the next time and if not, i'll get the one after that. What is it you want to achieve? answer coming. Who do you want to become? Someone who is friendly, can place his emotions and communicate them well. Someone wo will make a fool of himself and who is unafraid of other people’s reactions. I crave that person. I want to be someone who can validate himself. Maybe that’s my intention. No more guilt without change, no more shame without apology. No more indifference, no more apathy, no more should haves.. Yes to intention Yes to Yes Yes to moving my body Yes to jumping out of the bed Yes to music, learning, abstaining Yes to ‘I will do..’ Yes to responsibility Yes to make choices, take charge What’s going to take place instead of gaming? I’ll sleep. Finally I will sleep. I will go to bed when I’m tired, between 9 and 10. Then I awake. And I’ll think about my day. I’ll do something in the morning before work. It will be either a walk, some exercise or some writing or reading. The morning/afternoon IF I’m free for whatever reason that day. I’ll read. I have a book series that i decided to read again. I’ll maybe write. But I sure will read. The afternoon after work and evenings. Evenings I have a standard time of journaling. After that there is a standard coffee break with my house. After that I’m preparing for bed. Doing a last round of putting stuff back, think about the next day, planning the next day. The afternoon I’m not sure. But I am not going to plan that, for now. (incomplete) Did I exercise today in the morning or another time? I’m waiting for my mat, to work out on. It will arrive on Friday.
  19. I have no journal this evening. I am finishing my template, and i am on a roll with writing it. Just in short: Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). I am not sure something happened today. I was thinking however, how is that possible? im foreseeing that this section will be more relevant in the future. I will probably never end asking this, including the rest of my upcoming template. I had fun on discord today. I already knew, but these last 3 days i can determine again that i am so much more outgoing and social when i'm tired. i knew this was a thing, as your social fences go down when your tired or drunk. I find this state pretty pleasant. I don't think it will last. I'm thinking about how i can get the same effect in normal days to (last 3 days i gathered i was tired because of the change for better to a normal sleeping pattern). Alright, Cheers
  20. I need to share. Today I woke up after a good night's sleep and I was going to observe what kind of morning I need or want. So I stayed in bed till 8 am, to see how that would influence my day. Notes : I feel a little testy. I was not happy with the weather. I also feel very outgoing. I'm very energetic but sometimes tired. I'm saying stuff I normally would not even contemplate to say. I don't know what this means. Is it because I started my morning very slow? Is it better to jump out of bed immediately? I do like the idea of a morning ritual. That way I don't forget to shave and it might wake me up faster. I will think more about this.
  21. As promised, answers that are going to help envision my future. What is it you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? Whats going to take place instead of gaming? These 3 questions im' going to put into my template, so i see them every journal. i like this idea. So many times you lose vision of the why, but with i keep myself grounded in anwers i believed in at the moment of writing. If need should raise, i can change it. Right now, i need to go however. I will make these answers tomorrow, either whole or partly. Today was a good day. I will write more about how i'm loathing already a little bit the upcoming month(s). Cheers.
  22. I wanted to really journal today. Here i am. Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). I think i'm actually free today. I have not made an observation about me feeling not worth it. I was throughout the day a bit tired, very early awake. I went to coffee. We played a board game. I cleaned. I ate. I had a very good day. I want to talk about some stuff. First off, we are going into the work week. with my commitment comes responsibility and i'm anxious about my feelings, whenever i need to own up to my stuff. I did some stupid things like not calling back, lying etcetera and now i have some hard conversations coming up. I know i will want to avoid and flee. I'm not going to do that. Okay, good to have that off my chest. I'm going to do respawn again, aswell. I can do some of the steps to bring back the influence of gaming. I mainly need to reread everything, and follow some left over steps. I have done youtube, i can still delete my steam account and i think i need to do it. umm.. i have still a game from gog installed. I feel resistance. this will do pain to give it up. I'm going to evaluate this later, putting it on the bottom. Evaluate items for 22/23 december: Sleep pattern, how well did i sleep? did i go to bed consistently, am i happy about the state of it or do desire to change it? My use of discord. Right now its in a sweet spot where i hang out in the evening. However, if i'm restless and i start to use it to fill hours i want to change my use of it. nofap; specificely, how did i deal with cravings? do i need to remind myself of the small steps that are involved? do i need to reread the reddit answer? Did i set myself up for failure at some point? did i let something go that i shoulnd thave? did i commit edging? last, and best; Did i forgive myself, do i forgive myself now? Do i need to delete my game from gog?
  23. It's night, I woke up. Might as well get some thoughts out. Yesterday I started to make an essay about the core beliefs article, and it hit me that even if I wanted to, I don't relate a 100% to the I'm worthless and void etc. I don't have bipolar personality disorder. And that made me doubt if this is even the right approach. But I also know those thoughts. They don't end in anything. They just are. And I'm going to leave that for now. Because I relapsed in porn. And that was something I didn't foresee, but I also choose to not ask help. Because I was over thinking, "why would they help me", "thats not their problem". Those thoughts lead me back to "I'm not worth it". And there you go. That's how I relate today to my core belief. That's how I'm going to do it. Observe, notice, think and choose new thoughts and approaches to my problems. The old stuff has been tried, it doesn't work. I will not let it hold sway over me. I will change, slowly. I'm glad that's out there. Okay, I need to remember this. The third concept for my template is if I tried to be perfect again in the day. Its so sneaky how I'm making myself so this. Its okay but I want to notice if I do this because its limiting to the stuff I want to do. I think I did it with exercise these 2 days. I dont like the cold in the evening, so I'm thinking very frequently about "let's start tomorrow fresh in the morning". This way I get no exercise done, and although I truly plan to do it in the morning sleep has been a barricade. And I don't think that's how I build discipline. I should exercise and adjust accordingly to the day, but I should do it. Don't like the word should tho. So I'll just do it from now on. If im not exercising in the morning I will plan it another time that day before 9pm. Nice. That sounds nice.
  24. yep, will park this quote above my post so i can get to those questions. First i'm going to make my template. I'll start with my 2 core beliefs, and how i have related to them today. Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you). Shit. i need to go. I will make this journal tomorrow morning, and still follow my schedule of doing one in the evening.
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