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Lea
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Posts posted by Lea
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Days 0 (May 16-17th, 2020)
How Are You Feeling?
Yesterday, I didn't not feel particularly and strongly good or bad other than the time I accidentally ate my cousin's food. Today was not that bad until in the evening when I became somewhat of an emotional wreck, first after making a mistake of eating my cousin's food (again) and second after the emotional call with my mother and sister (explained below).
What Did I Do Today?
For yesterday, I did not do much apart from cleaning my desk space and bookshelves and vacuuming and mopping the floor. After that, I watched some more YouTube videos, and after dinner, my cousin wanted to play Minecraft (the "oh no" moment) with me and my sister. At first, I was like "no, you are doing your 90-day detox and you just can't give up like that," but after a few thoughts, I gave in. So I played with them until it was bedtime. (P.S. - I actually browsed first before sleeping.)
I woke up very late today (it was almost 10). After having my breakfast, I listened to the sermon about Holy Spirit via YouTube. After that, I played MInecraft again with my cousin and sister. Some time later, I took a shower and then ate my lunch. That was also when I "accidentally" ate my cousin's food, as my aunt pointed out when it was too late. Frustrated at making the same mistake, I returned to my room and cried over it, thinking over what I should have done. About half an hour later, I called my mom and told her about my mistake. My sister came in, each of us not having a clue that our mother was about to get angry over something. Long story short, I carried on the call to the bathroom so that my sister could calm herself down. After that, I went outside, watching the Simpsons with my cousin and later having chicken satay for dinner. With all that done, my sister and I talked about our mother said to both of us and what she was mad about.
Habit Tracker
Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (1).
Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (0), Reading Erotica (10).
I'm Grateful for...
The fact that God is bigger than my fears and weaknesses.
Replies
@chiliflavor Good, I'm hoping for the best luck for you. 1 week is already great. 😃
@Erik2.0 People did say that my drawings are good, but I also had drawing lessons when I was young. For now, I taught myself to draw certain drawings, mostly from the Internet.
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14 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:
As well as for when I finish a 10 minute drawing tutorial. Drawing has really been a struggle lately. I even wonder about continuing it or not. But it's kind of a nice hobby and I've been doing it for a while now so maybe I'll be able to keep on going with it.
Ah, you draw too? Sorry, I haven't really read your journal from the beginning, but this sounds awesome. What kind of drawings do you draw? I usually draw people, especially cartoon/anime girls.
14 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:I'm trying to stick to watching comedies. I feel like they have a much lower chance of making me depressed or upset. I think they might be what's best for me. Anime comedies are great I'll look for more of them.
True, comedies are gold. Even though they are not my most favorite kind of shows, they are fun to watch. What kind of animes do you watch?
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Day 7 (May 15th, 2020)
How Are You Feeling?
Apart from the few bouts of anxiety when someone knocked on the door and the times I realized that I made my mistakes, I feel definitely better today than the days prior.
What Did I Do Today?
I woke up at 8 in the morning and left the bedroom right away because my sister was using it for studying (she didn't want any distraction) with my phone, headphones, and water bottle. After eating breakfast and turning on the dishwasher, I went to my cousin's play room when my aunt asked me why am I in my room. I told to her the reason, which I thought was awkward at the best and causing misunderstanding at the worst. I went out due to embarrassment and an hour later, I returned to my cousin's play room to have my counselling appointment via Zoom.
After it was over, I took out the clean plates from the dishwasher and had my lunch. I spent the next hour looking at my phone, eating some fruit from the days before, before editing and peer reviewing my sister's assignment. I took my shower, made myself a banana smoothie, browsed some more, texted mom, and watching my cousin's YouTube on Apple TV with him. Then dinner comes and I asked my aunt for toothpaste in a rather awkward and nervous manner. Afterwards, I had a Zoom meet-up with my church friends. We talked about the Holy Spirit and why, as believers, it is very important to have that. Recently, I had a chat with my sister before she went to bed after that and texted mom more about my day (actually my mistakes).
Habit Tracker
Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (1), Calling/Talking with People (2).
Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (7), Reading Erotica (8).
I'm Grateful for...
The opportunities that God has given to grow close in this quarantine, even though I take it for granted too many times.
Replies
@chiliflavor Hello Chili, it's nice to see you! How are you? Is this your first day? The numbers mean days that I've done/not done them, depending on the habit.
@Erik2.0 I only watch some drawing and art YouTube videos, like Draw with Jazza and Fun2Draw. (P.S. - One of my hobbies is drawing.)
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Day 5-6 (May 13-14th, 2020)
How Are You Feeling?
Yesterday, it was rough and very hectic. It is also my first time having to stop my contract with my mobile provider, and that could be why. Today, however, I didn't feel too bad compared to yesterday.
What Did I Do Today?
Yesterday, I was having my day when my sister told me about my bank account and why I kept on wasting money on both mobile providers. Scared because of that reminder, I went to the shopping mall to visit the mobile provider branch. After many consultations, live chats, and calls, I finally ended my contract with my old mobile provider. I didn't eat breakfast and lunch and only ate by the evening due to what I dealt with.
Today, I attended two Zoom sessions discussing about a new topic about "Relationships," particularly in the childcare context. After taking a shower, I did my two assignments, turned them in, and then watched "Harry Potter Behind the Scenes" and more history videos on YouTube. An hour later, I ate dinner with my family and went back to my room. I listened shortly to a live-streamed event before talking with my sister. I looked at some more Royal history news and articles before logging in here.
Habit Tracker
Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (1).
Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (6), Reading Erotica (7).
I'm Grateful for...
God's protection, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Replies
@Erik2.0 I am thinking of board games or drawing contests/challenges. Thank you Erik.
@Ikar Great to hear you. Yes, there will always be struggle, but I'm sure you can come out strong.
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Day 4 (May 12th, 2020)
How Are You Feeling?
Although there are times I feel unsure about myself and has bouts of negative thoughts, this day isn't too bad.
What Did I Do Today?
I woke up at almost 9 in the morning, and after I got ready, I had online schooling, which is not really a class in a traditional sense and is more like Study Hall (it's called Assessment Support in my TAFE). After 11:30, I had my lunch and watched YouTube videos (mainly about history cause I love history). When it was almost 1, I opened up my Zoom to attend the afternoon session, which is about culture (in particular Australian Indigenous Culture) and promoting cultural safety in ECE (Early Childhood Education) services. The class ended unexpectedly early and the remaining 20 to 30 minutes were used to ask questions for my upcoming assignments. After that, I took a shower and watched more YouTube videos. I ate dinner at around 6:15 and again watched more YouTube videos. I then browse stories about British royals, especially the ones from the Victorian era.
Habit Tracker
Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (1), Calling/Talking with People (0).
Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (4), Reading Erotica (5).
I'm Grateful for...
Being God's daughter and the fact that He loves and validates me first, despite of what my family and friends may think of me and how I think they may feel about me.
Replies
@Ikar It's good to see you! 😃 How's have your journey been?
@Erik2.0 Interesting idea, I could actually do a mock fashion show. The problem is that no one is interested to play this game. As for quarantine, I've been doing good, but I should find better activities than just browsing and watching YouTube videos. Lol. 😆
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Day 2-3 (May 10th and 11th, 2020)
How Are You Feeling?
Yesterday, I didn't feel to bad, and today's as well until today's night when I forgot to wipe the bathroom sink.
What Did I Do Today?
Yesterday, I made poached eggs with toast and avocado banana smoothie. It was also Mother's Day, so I said (and texted) to all of my female relatives "Happy Mother's Day." After doing some washing, I read more stories about game addicts. An hour later, I streamed yesterday's sermon (via YouTube), but it was cut short when my sister and I went to the nearby shopping center to buy some McDonald's, snacks, and soap. I also met with my church friends in Zoom, playing "2 Truths and 1 Lie" and "Kahoot," and did my home work before eating dinner. Then I spend the rest of my night calling my mom and watch YouTube videos.
Today, I woke up at around 8:45, and after looking at my phone, I started my online schooling at 9:30 until 11:30. During the break, I also cooked some boiled eggs and ate with fried rice for lunch. After that, I attended the afternoon session from 1 to 3, which I then took a shower and watched YouTube videos afterwards until around 6:30, when I had my dinner. I then watched more YouTube videos when I realized that I forgot to wipe the bathroom sink.
Habit Tracker
Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (4).
Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (3), Reading Erotica (4).
I'm Grateful for...
I still have a family that does care for me, even though I don't talk that much to them.
Replies
@BooksandTrees Impressive! 81 weeks must have been a long time. Keep up with your workout and animating projects. 😊
@Marek Thank you, you too. 😃
@Erik2.0 I do consider speaking with an online counselor, but that is still in question. I'm not really into games like GTA because I'm more into creative, life simulation, and dress-up games (like Minecraft, Harry Potter Mystery, etc.), but I could definitely feel your pain watching that. 😢
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Day 1 (May 9th, 2020)
How Are You Feeling?
I didn't feel anything good or bad from this morning until afternoon. It was when someone told me that I forgot to turn off the lights that I got a sudden burst of negative thoughts, worries, and fears reeling inside my mind. It caused me to cry a little, thinking that I'm all useless for my family and the wider community.
Not long however, out of the blue, God sent me an image of a neon yellow smiley, calming me down. Furthermore, when I asked him twice if I was truly saved, He responded twice to me with a "YES." It was silent comfort in there.
What Did I Do Today?
I woke up at nine in the morning and read several teachings from the Bible for about an hour before eating fried rice for breakfast. Afterwards, I went to watch and accompany my younger cousin playing GTA. About an hour has passed and after turning off the lights that I had forgotten, I went back to bed to give myself a good cry as I mentioned above.
After taking a warm shower and feeling better, I read about dealing with gaming addiction and maladaptive daydreaming (which is not listed as an official mental disorder, but I do believe it is). Within that time, I also talked to my sister about my negative thoughts for a while, called Mom (more like Mom called me first), texted my friend from church, ate a chocolate donut, vacuumed my shared bedroom and bathroom (my sister and I shared the rooms together).
After an hour or two of reading, I went outside to spend time with my younger cousin, but it went pretty awkward since I didn't bring myself up to talk with him. I had dinner on my own, took out the trash, and I did one of my homework for my Early Childhood Education course*. I then read on the Internet again and not long, Mom called me again and later called my sister too.
Habit Tracker
Good: Reading Bible (2), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (1), Calling/Talking with People (2).
Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (1), Reading Erotica (2).
I'm Grateful for...
The fact that I'm still living and God reassuring me that He indeed has saved me.
Bonus
* I actually change not only my course in Psychology, but I actually moved to a TAFE institute to take a course in Early Childhood Education and Care due to the current financial situation of my family.
Replies
@Sankirk42 True, the similar happens to me too. I'm hoping the best for you and you can do this too. 😄
@Erik2.0 Thank you Erik. It is much appreciated, and God bless you.
@BooksandTrees Hi, it's good to be back! How's life for you now?
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If you guys have known me from Ninety Days Worth the Pain, it's Lea here again. It's been eight months since I posted here and almost a year since I started gaming again. Since then, my awareness towards my surroundings went duller as I delved deeper in the world of my fantasies and imagination, wanting to escape from reality. In other words, I have been living the lie that I'm not aware of until now. It is made even worse with writing stories, drawing, and playing games, like pouring gasoline to the open fire of trouble.
Long story short, the more my family scolds me for not getting myself right, deciding things for myself, and lying about what I'm doing, the more averse I am to their scolding, which results in me being more delusional, numb, and defensive. I already know that my family is right all along, but today is enough for me for I have been feelings very anxious and afraid because I found out that I don't even the heart to change to begin with.
It is also today that I prayed to God, and God told me in my heart that he wants me to be back here. God had been telling me to lessen my time with my phone, but I kept on ignoring it and tried to please my family when really I lied to them so that I got more validation while having more time with my phone and my imagination. I don't know if the next 90 days of not gaming will change me and it's not a guarantee, but this could be a start. And it starts with one truth as said below:
Your heart determines your actions, and if you truly feel it in your heart, you'll do it no matter what.
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1 hour ago, Tzen1 said:
Days 78 - 81 (writing on day 82)
9 days left to go! You can do this. ?
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Hey @TwoSidedLife ! It's been a while since I've seen you in this forum.
On 6/3/2019 at 7:13 PM, TwoSidedLife said:I'm currently in a relapse stage. But I finally managed to go 1 day after over a month in relapse. I'm unsure when i'll be back to posting here. I still have a strong desire to quit.
Hopefully my journal teaches you something new. I look forward to and learning from the community here and the experience of quitting. :)
That's great. As for now, I am trying playing games in moderation (I relapsed after my exams are finished in May). It is okay in some days, but in other days, I struggle to keep my playtime from going overboard. I hope that you are doing well with the detox, and I am looking forward for more of your posts. ?
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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I think I'm in denial about my hobbies and interests. I keep telling people I'm interested in writing books, cartoons, and animating along with website stuff. But I don't attempt to work on them at all and all I want to do is socialize with friends after work, play board games, rock climb, watch TV, and relax. When I have a weekend coming up I just like to do outdoorsy things and enjoy life.
This was similar to what I have felt when I was in my gaming detox. Like you, I also like to write stories (and poems) and drawing. However, because of my business, fear of writing poorly, and laziness, I just didn't do it and further honed my writing skills. I also agree with @30_yrs_of_gaming about overthinking and about being content.
I hope that your date will go smoothly. ?
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10 hours ago, Sarma said:
Me and this girl had a great time.
We both like each other, someone just had to break the ice.
Eventually I gathered enough courage to say that I like her, and she likes me too.
Shit was sooo much easier after that.
It turns out that it's good that I'm taking it slow. She says men are usually attacking(fast) on her. She really liked that I was taking it slow.
She said she doesn't want to fuck up this like her previous relationship. So we're going slow. And honestly I feel more at ease that way.
She's coming over in the morning to watch a movie. Can't wait.
I feel amazing.
I'd write everything I like about her, but that would probably be too much, haha. Overall I'm crazy about her.
Ooh, congrats to you! ?? I am happy that you and her finally confess your feelings and that it went well. Just take things slow and the following will happen at the right time.
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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
The date I went on with the other girl on Monday was a lot better. She was much more laid back and easy to get along with. We ended up talking for 3 hours and had fun.
Oh, great for you! You must have a fun time with her. Just make sure that you don't rush for a relationship with her.
3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:I still just feel overwhelmed right now by life in a few ways. I think I'm still doing too much with my time. I took today off from work to have an easy day of focusing on myself. The past year has really bogged me down and it's rare that I have a good weekend to myself. I never actually plan anything for myself either. Something I noticed is that I get so busy during the week that I don't plan my weekends and then the weekend comes and I have nothing to do. The discrepancy between stress levels causes depression on both ends. Overwhelming activity for 5 days causes me to just want peace and to relax. The underwhelming loneliness on weekends causes sorrow and isolation. Both cause depression in different ways and feed off of each other. I have actually achieved unhealthy balance here - which is very interesting if you think about it.
It is interesting to me as well since I rarely heard about this. I don't know if the following advice I am going to give is going to be helpful, but I suggest that maybe you can set a time range during the weekdays to relax and a few demanding activities and friend/family hangouts on the weekend. If you feel like boxing is too much for you, I agree with you that it is a good idea to cut it out. After all, each of us, as humans, has our own equilibrium to be maintained.
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6 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:
I still take my phone to bed and struggle with porn. In general, my relationship with electronics overall needs to evolve if I'm actually going to change into the person I want to be.
I also brought my phone to bed every night, and I often use it the first thing in the morning. This is definitely not the best idea for starting the day. To be honest, electronics can enhance your life, but they can also destroy yours if you use them in an unhealthy manner. Old habits die hard, but they do (and can) die with a proper plan and a sense of purpose.
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Hey @Deku ! It' been long since I saw you.
On 9/10/2019 at 10:08 AM, Deku said:Whenever I disappear like this it's safe to say that I relapsed, and this is exactly what happened to me this time, yet again. I've made all kinds of excuses about why this happened and why I've been gaming on and off for the past three weeks, but the truth is that I guess I'm just not as mentally strong as I thought.
I also relapsed as well since my exams (in May) were over. I am currently playing games in moderation, but sometimes, my playtime can go overboard. In some days, it is not a struggle, but in others, it is.
On 9/10/2019 at 10:08 AM, Deku said:This relapse has really shown me that I need to find some kind of creative outlet in my life to allow me to relax on a somewhat regular basis. I guess that will be a priority for me to think about in the next few days.
I agree with this. Even until now, I feel like I want to get creative and doing activities like writing, drawing, and dancing. However, gaming can be one of the causes of why I don't do those hobbies that often, describing them as "writer's block" or "artist's block." I don't know if you actually like doing the activities I mentioned before, but if you don't know where to start, this can be a great starting place. You can add your own hobbies (other than gaming) from this.
I hope that you succeed in overcoming your addiction. ?
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Hey @Phoenixking ! It's been long since I read you journal.
On 9/10/2019 at 5:25 PM, Phoenixking said:I've broken my record of being porn-free for 45 days. We're at 50 now! Games aren't really an issue. I sometimes miss it a little bit because it was a handy way to let off some steam. I'll be happy to return to Krav Maga soon. But my shoulder needs to heal first. I broke down a while back when I was totally bedridden and played a few mobile games. I took it seriously, though and confessed to my girl. I secretly kept playing them a few days longer. But after I healed, I returned to my busy and healthier lifestyle. Quitting porn was a good move. But I can often still feel my brain nagging me for a fix. It's véry difficult to resist. If anybody has a good NSFW-image blocker for my phone, I'd appreciate it. Right now, I'm trying to focus on getting my life into the next gear so an image or two every so often, is something I'm allowing. For now. I've learned that I should not be lenient towards little things like that. But I've also learned that you can't push yourself too hard because kicking a habit can be taxing in many ways. And I'm at a critical time in my life and I don't want to amp up the pressure.
That's great! There will be temptations, but man, you are squashing them! ? A NSFW-image blocker is actually a fantastic idea, as it could be a helpful tool to combat pornography and mitigating its effects, especially mentally and psychologically. Keep it up with your record.
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On 9/10/2019 at 6:29 AM, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:
One day at a time. Keep moving.
C'mon. You can do this! ??
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On 8/26/2019 at 3:04 AM, Sarma said:
Habits are tough to change.
This reminds me of a saying that "old habits die hard."
On 8/28/2019 at 3:19 AM, Sarma said:Finally accepting that I'm an introvert.
I'll face it.
I hate small talk and I hate talking to bland personalities. Those two things bring no benefit to me.
I must say that I can relate to this. I would prefer if the person with whom I am talking talks about a topic that we both have mutual interest on.
On 9/7/2019 at 4:14 AM, Sarma said:Thank you all for reading. It means a lot to me. Special thanks to @Lea, read like 6 of my posts in a row, hope you're enjoying them Lea.
Your journal have some simple, yet eye-catching insights. I am looking forward for your future posts.
On 9/10/2019 at 5:04 AM, Sarma said:But, I was so stupid. I was so nervous that I was gonna see her, that I took some anxiety medication. And I didn't stop there. I drank like 2 or 3 beers and was like a fucking zombie the rest of the night. It didn't help either that I was sleepless from work. So instead of having a nice evening with this girl, I was like a fucking zombie and couldn't even speak to her correctly.
I couldn't make a move. The anxiety medication made me too relaxed. So, we spend this whole fucking night hanging out both waiting on something to happen. It was some of the most awkward shit I've done/experienced in life.
You know what's the worst part?
After everyone left she stayed there ALONE WITH ME. FUCK ME. I'M SO RETARDED.
You are not alone in this. I also felt the same thing when I was with my crush at a house party. As a girl struggling with being confident of herself, I was so nervous about the things that he and I should talk about. I might be just a normal girl on the outside, but a wreck that have been hurled from the emotional roller coaster of feelings in the inside. This got so intense that I had to go to the bathroom. My crush was outside the bathroom, talking with his (then) girlfriend. Long story short, I cried for at least half an hour.
I know it can be very hard to deal with anxiety towards interactions with the opposite sex, but I want to tell you that no anxiety can define your worth and value as a human being. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but from what I believe, God has loved us through the thick and thin. There is nothing, not even a bad deed, that can separate us from His love.
Wrapping up, just remember this whenever anxiety gets the best of you: "No matter how big fear can be, there is always something that is bigger than fear itself."
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22 hours ago, karabas said:
Hey! Yeah it's been a while ? Things are good, how about you?
It's great so far, though there are ups and downs. As for now, I take a semester off, so I would not not be in uni until next year February/March.
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I heard that you need some advice to fill up your time other than studying and gaming. Maybe have a walk outside for 10 to 20 minutes (it does not have to be everyday, but 3-4 times a week is good), hang out (and study if all of you want to) with friends once a week or fortnight, or have a lunch / dinner with your family once in a while. I know I could have think of something more, but these are all that comes up in mind when you said your mother claims that you have an addictive personality.
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On 9/5/2019 at 9:45 AM, RB1 said:
This is the first time I've neglected a responsibility this important, but I've done similar things numerous times in the past. Pushing off important things till the last second, saying i'd do it later so I can game. So done with myself.
So unbelievable sick of my own bullshit, my childishness, my irresponsibility, and most of all, my utter weakness. So I'm back. I have to do this. Every time I go back to gaming my life goes to total shit.
You are not alone this. Honestly, I struggle with being responsible and being myself, even feeling worthless sometimes. It's great that you are back and have a fresh start in life by setting games aside. I am impressed by your motivation behind your decision to quit, for negative emotions can be a great source of desire to take an action. Remember, don't be too hard on yourself and even if you do fail, you are NOT someone worthless. Keep up with the detox. ?
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On 9/7/2019 at 2:23 AM, Ikar said:
For example, if you go daily through the pain/problem of staying fit, you will not have to face a bigger pain/problem later in the future, like getting obese and having your let cut off because of diabetes. I believe that to be the case, so doing your homework daily pays off, once you have identified it, which proves to be quite difficult.
This is interesting and true, as there is a saying that "what you sow is what you reap."
I hope that you are adjusting back to home life well. ?
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On 9/7/2019 at 10:14 PM, TiredOfCompromises said:
I'm taking it easy, though. I do not want to put too much pressure on myself. I am happy that I didn't play any games and I'm happy I'm taking my first steps toward stabilizing my life.
Good for you. ? Don't push yourself too far and you will succeed in your detox. Happy detoxing! ?
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On 8/9/2019 at 10:24 PM, Adminiculum said:
What I want to get rid of is my YouTube/Surfing consumption.
I struggled with this as well. I guess we are on the same boat on this matter...
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It Starts with One Truth (Sequel to Ninety Days Worth the Pain)
in Daily Journals
Posted
Day 1 (May 18th, 2020)
How Are You Feeling?
I didn't have strong feelings for the earlier parts of the day, but I felt not just bad at dinner. I felt guilt, shame, sadness (for both myself and my aunt), and anger (for myself) for repeating the same mistakes and not using common sense.
What Did I Do Today?
Other than attending my two Zoom sessions as usual, it was not an eventful day. I also drew "Ice Scream Man" for my cousin and helped my sister with her cover letter. However, when dinner time came, my aunt called both me and my sister to talk about our mistakes and how she was not happy with it. Don't get me wrong with this, but I have some persisting bad habits that she loathes (like spending too much time on my phone and not being aware of my surroundings). Long story short, she scolded me for being spoiled and not changing (in a positive way). Hours later, I tried to help with my sister, but I was too sleepy for that. So I called my mother and talked about why my aunt scolded me and the things I could do to fix my habits and then I helped with my sister a bit before sleeping.
Habit Tracker
Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (2).
Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (1), Reading Erotica (0).
I'm Grateful for...
The people, like my aunt, who scold me and still stay with me because they care. Not going to lie, it hurts, but there are bad habits I need to prune, much like trees needed to be pruned from their bad fruits.
Replies
@chiliflavor The music is nice, thank you. 😊
@Erik2.0 True, thank you for your kind words. 😄 Mom is actually not really mad at me, but just emotional.