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Brian

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  1. Brian

    My journal

    @Eugene Welcome to the journals!
  2. @BooksandTrees Thank you for the support! I'll pay closer attention to HALT (plus thirsty... HALTT??) as it relates to PMO triggers and cravings. Going to the gym regularly has been super helpful in releasing pent-up stress and anxiety while also building confidence. I lapsed on that last weekend and noticed that I felt much more spastic. I'm heading to the gym in an hour and am greatly looking forward to it. Day 45 journal: Holy halfway, Batman!! I feel excited, proud, and a sense of awe thinking about having not gamed in 45 days. Despite this, thoughts about gaming have popped into consciousness more frequently this week. Thoughts like, "Will I ever play again?" are more persistent and are harder to dispel. Just for today. Just for today. I will not play today. I'm fairly certain that my consistent practice of mindfulness meditation is helping when these thoughts come up... I notice the thoughts, label them/name them as thoughts, then shift my awareness to sounds, sensations, or breathing. I think that the detox has also helped to decrease the intensity of these thoughts and associated cravings because I haven't acted on them. Peace.
  3. Great job changing your environment, shifting your mindset, and getting things done! Feeling miserable and self-loathing can quickly lead to relapses, large or small. I admire your grit, resilience, and perseverance! This reminds me of a quote from Mary Pickford: "Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down." Way to get back up.
  4. @Catherine17 Welcome to the forums! It sounds like you already have a few ideas to fill your time with. I applaud your efforts to better yourself and recognize the toxicity of that online friendship! If you post regularly in the daily journals section, that might help to create a sense of community and connect with others that are going through similar struggles. Best wishes!
  5. Funny is one way to put it! I find it scary too... the number of environmental reminders, prompts, triggers we can encounter when we're trying to change a behavior. Welcome back!
  6. @fawn_xoxo Thanks for the reply. I am fairly sure that she doesn't know about my struggles with PMO. I have been very secretive about it and have worked to insulate her from it. That's the biggest reason I am considering talking with her about it, as well as intimacy in general: I want to be transparent and not establish a rhythm of being secretive with the person I believe I should be sharing everything with. It's a big violation of my values. I'm really uncomfortable discussing sex and intimacy in general even though it's something I need. So that's one thing that is holding me back - my general discomfort with talking about it with her. Secondly, I mentioned a couple of days ago that we have been recovering from a natural disaster for several months. Things began to settle down at the beginning of December. The stress of that event took a toll on both of us, and intimacy was hard to come by. Video games and PMO were a way that I coped with the the stress of that time, in addition to being in 'survival mode' for several months. Now that we're more settled than we have been, it's time to have conversations with her about a lot of things that we've been putting off just to get by. PMO and intimacy is one of them. Day 40 journal: Yesterday was a busy day. My spouse and I talked about some insights we have been gaining in therapy and the meaning we are making in light of events that have occurred over the last several months. I feel so happy to be connecting with her in a more vulnerable way. Both of us have had to put on a strong face recently, and while we have supported each other when one of us has felt overwhelmed, it hasn't seemed like we have had time to breathe. Now we're breathing again and making sense of what has been happening. I spoke to my bosses boss yesterday about a raise I proposed in October. This one is a mixed bag of feelings for me. I love the work I do with this organization. It is perhaps the most meaningful and impactful work I have ever done. I also haven't received a raise in the 2.5 years I have been working here, despite increasing my capacity and job performance. The counter-offer I was proposed with was significantly less than what I asked for. I learned that my position is 'capped' at a certain rate which doesn't surprise me, but also sucks. However, the company is making efforts to help me create income in other ways which I appreciate. So it's a mixed bag. I could change to a different position with higher financial rewards but higher risk and performance demands. At this point, I am resolving to counter their proposal again and give this one year in order to assess how I feel in my overhauled position and find out if the salary becomes what I need. I went to therapy and talked out a number of issues, including the ones I'm writing about in this post. My therapist described our (my partner and I) situation with the natural disasters beautifully: he likened it to the wind blowing hard, us leaning into it just to move forward, the wind ceasing to blow as hard, and us needing to find our equilibrium again. That's what this period of time since the beginning of December has felt like - trying to find equilibrium again, trying to figure out how to relax again, and also preparing for the next wave of possible stressors. Gaming and PMO were big coping skills for me during this time, and have been coping skills for a long time. They have become 'maladaptive'... meaning that they are no longer adequate for my current situation. I spent several hours hanging out with my spouse and some friends last night! This was a lot of fun. We had some drinks, ate some food, walked downtown, and were generally silly. Thanks for reading! I hope y'all have a blessed day.
  7. Day 38 journal: I just returned from working away from home yesterday and MAAAAAAN, I feel proud of some things I did while I was away. The biggest success was in shifting my mindset by pausing throughout my day and expressing gratitude. I set reminders on my phone (using Habit Bull) for every two hours (during daylight hours) to pause and express gratitude. My thoughts were MUCH less negative overall. When expressing gratitude, I took some notes from Stoicism (I've been getting into this philosophy since beginning this detox) and engaged in 'flickering thoughts' of not having the things/people in my life that I love, or remembering that some day I will die and this moment might be my last on earth. I found that my gratitude was simpler (e.g. - appreciating gentle breezes moving tree branches in sunlight) and deeper (really feeling more) as a result. I'm excited to carry this practice onwards. I also found that I'm most at risk to game when I first return home from work. I work in a very intense fashion away from home for about 48 hours straight, then upon returning home I feel a strong compulsion to detach from life, to tune the fuck out. Gaming did that for me - it allowed me to detach/escape from reality temporarily. I'm proud to say that I rode through that compulsion and still haven't gamed in 38 days. Developing lists of alternative habits/behaviors helped me ride through that intense craving... Also mindfulness meditation continues to strengthen my ability to notice intense emotions, name them, and not give in to them. I struggled with wanting to engage in PMO tonight and fortunately my website blockers were in place. I didn't engage. I'm noticing how important physical intimacy and sex is in my life though... I'm married and sometimes my partner and I go a week or a month without being intimate with each other. That's hard. It has currently been a week since we were intimate with each other, and thoughts of PMO trickle in. For those of you who also struggle with PMO, I'd like to hear from you. I feel conflicted because after engaging I feel a sense of release, but it's dangerous because of the high addictive potential when just orgasming for the sake of achieving a feeling. I also feel uncomfortable with what I just wrote (old family stuff) and am open to feedback if this isn't appropriate for this forum. Thanks for reading! I'll check back in tomorrow.
  8. Funny timing indeed! I'm glad to hear that your sleep has been improving! It sucks to be tired and fatigued throughout the day because of less sleep than is needed. Great post. I love how you're diving deeply into the "why" underneath your cravings and urges. When you feel anxiety and anger come on, those sound like powerful emotions. Have you tried moving your body? That might help discharge some of the emotion. (E.g. - pushups, air squats, or just shaking your hands/wrists/arms for like 15 seconds.) I don't know how that would effect your heartburn, but it might be worth a try.
  9. Day 34 journal: Today I feel grateful for: My spouse, our transparency, and continually growing relationship. I have made more of an effort to be transparent with her as I've gone through this detox. Our relationship seemed like it was stagnating when I was gaming for hours each day. It was like we were two caged human-animals that were technically alive, but just passing time together. Our relationship seems to be becoming more alive as I 'wake up' from my gaming fog. Our newly-two-year-old dog! We have had him with us since he was 12 weeks old. I am grateful for his trust and companionship. I feel ashamed when I think about how many hours he ended up staying inside with me when I was gaming. I believe it's my responsibility to lead him, train him, and help him to live life. Is this what it's like to have kids?? Our home, reconstructed and improved. I was a long-time renter until April when my spouse and I bought a home. Not much changed, aside from paying a mortgage instead of rent. Then a natural disaster struck and our house became unliveable. We struggled for a long time and are finally living in it again. I appreciate the things we have much more than before the disaster. I actually feel grateful for it because I learned so many lessons through the struggle. The ability to shift my mindset, intentionally. It's tragic, but also hilarious how easily I can slip into a good mood or bad mood depending on my thinking. I am grateful that I was introduced to mindfulness meditation. My health and my body. I feel grateful for sore muscles and a stiff neck. They are signs that I'm alive. Rival Sons new album 'Feral Roots.' It's SO GOOD. Heading to work again tomorrow. Catch y'all in a few days.
  10. Love this!! Way to check your mindset and choose something other than self-criticism and self-directed anger. Has your sleep been improving?
  11. I feel you. My willpower started eroding over the last few days when I was checking streams on releases I was looking forward to. Fortunately I was intercepted before fully relapsing. "White knuckling it" is a hard, hard thing. GOOD JOB AT GETTING BACK HERE!! That's a difficult thing to do... not letting shame run away with behaviors. That belief that you deserve some criticism is partly some of that shame. Breathe. Relax into the fact that a relapse happened and that you're taking steps to recover from it. You also noticed that your routine was starting to become lax... THAT'S GOOD!! When you notice your routine dropping away in the future that's a warning sign for greater relapses to come. It's an opportunity to shore up your plan. I feel like an 'Atomic Habits' salesperson because I've written about it so much here, but I strongly recommend it. This isn't about having enough willpower to overcome video game addiction, it's about habits, psychology, routines, and the desire to change. James Clear has some great advice and insight related to dropping 'bad' habits and creating 'good' ones. @Cam Adair's 'Respawn' also works along very similar lines. Pick them both up if you haven't already and start establishing routines for success. Lastly, I strongly recommend that you continue trying mindfulness meditation. (Is that the form of meditation you were trying?) Mindfulness meditation will help increase your awareness of thoughts, emotions, and sensations... all of which is SUPER HELPFUL in preventing future relapses. It increases your distress tolerance too, which is helpful in not running to the thing that gives guaranteed relief from difficult emotions. (:cough: video games :cough:) I hope some of this is helpful! Keep at it, keep coming back, and keep at the self-love!
  12. Great work, getting ahead and taking care of yourself before the storm hits! Hopefully that will pay dividends when you need the stamina. Good luck!
  13. End of day 33 check in: Things I'm grateful for, and proud of, today: Squashing temptation with modifying my YouTube channel and installing a website blocker Romancing my partner through flirting, spending quality time, and performing acts of service Rx'ing another workout at the gym Reading over 100 pages in 'Fires of Heaven' Getting back on the horse by posting on this forum and reading/responding to other journals; staying engaged with the community Being patient and calm with my dog; spending time playing with him #CrushedIt
  14. Get it, dude!! I'm looking forward to following your journals!
  15. Brian

    Onlysoul

    Love this. Keep up those self-affirmations! They are POWERFUL. If you haven't seen this podcast/interview with Jocko Willink on Joe Rogan, I recommend that you check it out!
  16. Thanks for the birthday love and feedback, @katsudo19, @Gaming Zombie, @dirkj3! Day 33 journal: No one said this was going to be easy. While I still haven't played a video game in 33 days, I have been checking streams based on upcoming releases. I know, I know... Read on, y'all. Watching streams and checking updates has been slowly eroding my willpower to NOT play video games. Thoughts about re-installing Steam have crossed my mind multiple times per day and have created a lot of internal tension. There's the addict part of myself that says all of the classic things: minimizing, justifying, rationalizing, comparing. Then there's the part that is emerging and growing stronger as this detox goes on. I don't have a name for it yet... "Ideal self?" I'll have to play with that some more. It's the part that erodes and whose voice becomes softer when I check streams and consider relapsing. Needless to say, the last couple of days have been filled with a lot of internal tension, some small-scale relapses, and ambivalence. That brings me to last night and this morning. I had a great session with my therapist last night. He reminded me that this is an experiment, that the games will be there after 90 days if I choose to go back to them, and that a mindset that includes curiosity and inquiry creates space for self-compassion rather than internal tension and judgment. This morning, right before writing this, I cleared my recommended YouTube channels again (they are too damn good at enabling my addict brain) and installed a website blocker. Action. Sweet, sweet, action. I am not going to game today. I am not going to watch streams or check websites today. I'll check back in tonight. Be well, y'all.
  17. Day 26 journal: Phew, it's been a long time since I posted. A lot has happened this week! I have been maintaining a daily written journaling practice... I do want to post more frequently than once per week though. I'll re-commit to that. With my daily journaling practice, I have adopted four questions that I'm reflecting on morning and night: What are my responsibilities today? What is a skill that I want to work on today? How do I want to have fun today? How might I become 1% better today? The last question, becoming 1% better, is borrowed from James Clear's "Atomic Habits." This short practice alone has really helped me maintain my focus on a purpose-driven life. The past week has been full: I worked in the field (away from technology, in the wilderness) for three days. There are no video game temptations out there. I have come to appreciate the three days I get each week to leave civilization and just be out there. Granted, I'm working, so this isn't time to do whatever I want. I'm BUSY.... but just being outdoors helps reset my system. My dad came into town! He lives across the country and we haven't had this much one-on-one time... maybe ever. We have been discussing work, life, purpose, family issues, and connecting through activities. We went skiing yesterday and have plans to do more of that this weekend. Discussing family issues has been particularly rich. Our dinner last night turned into a 3 hour conversation about the shifts in our family, past family trauma and the rippling effects across more than two decades, and what we might do about that going forward. My takeaway is that my sister and I need to lead the family more than we have. We need to step fully into adulthood rather than follow the lead of our parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles 100%. I turned 34 yesterday! An old friend of mine introduced me to the concept of "God winks" - coincidences that are too perfect to be just coincidence. Several 'God winks' happened yesterday: We awoke to 8-10 inches of snow. My dad commented that when I was born, 8-10 inches of snow had fallen! I have considered my 33rd year to (humorously) be my "Jesus" year... and it seems all too fitting that on the first year after that there are similar weather conditions. It's like rebirth in some ways. It's also too coincidental that I'm also undertaking Respawn and am reevaluating my habits and life purpose. My mom's impeccable timing. When I meditate I use my phone as a timer. I set my phone to 'do not disturb' so that I'm not interrupted. When I opened my eyes after the timer had gone off, my mom was actively calling me. 20 seconds more and I would have missed her. The several spontaneous run-ins with friends yesterday. My dad and I went skiing yesterday and we parked directly adjacent to some work friends of mine! Later, we ran into other friends on the mountain more than once. After dinner, we ran into more friends as we were walking to the car! All of these were spontaneous and surprising! I haven't gamed in 26 days. I feel proud of that! I have been following updates on the Civ 6 expansion. I was watching a developer livestream a couple of days ago and surprisingly I wasn't as excited about it as I have been in the past. Thoughts have been popping in about the gaming from time to time, but it is getting easier to let these pass. Mindfulness meditation practice helps with this too. Until next time...
  18. @giblets: Yes, I would highly recommend it for what you are trying to do. The book is action-oriented and has supplementary exercises akin to Respawn. There are a lot of tricks to establishing new habits that you may have never thought of before, and some ways you have too.
  19. @Ben72, I have quit gaming for now. I'm re-evaluating my relationship with video games and am working on establishing new habits. This doesn't mean I'll never play again, but if I do I'll hopefully have more awareness about the needs/cravings I'm fulfilling through gaming.
  20. I recently downloaded the "easy" button from the old Staples commercials (in the US, not sure if you saw those down in AUS). I LOVE pushing it after completing something hard. I smirk every time. ? It's a fun way to add a little video-game psychology to my every-day achievements. And I like how you framed up achievements in your post - this can probably be transferred to 'leveling up' too.
  21. Hey @fawn_xoxo, I really enjoyed reading through your journal! The changes you have already made are inspiring! Just offering a couple of suggestions here... You might be on to something when it comes to changing your environment and getting out of your house for work or the gym. If the weather isn't conducive to outdoor activities, are there coffee shops/a library/a recreation center/a co-working space nearby that you can look into? I think James Clear talks about this in Atomic Habits: regularly going to a coffee shop for 10-15 minutes with the intention to journal signals to your brain each time that this is your designated space for that activity. Doing it all at home might require you to have a designated spaces for various activities in order to create the changes you want to make.
  22. Day 18 journal: I'm visiting my in-laws this weekend and am away from home. I just realized how important my routines are: I need to engage in my habits in some manner because they are a bulwark against cravings and temptation. I just sat down for 20 minutes of meditation and feel much more centered and focused. I've been off-center for all of this morning... I engaged in PMO when I got a spare moment, which I feel guilty about. I'm going to download a website blocker and shut that down. I picked up James Clear's book 'Atomic Habits' at the airport yesterday and am moving through that quickly. I highly recommend it to anyone looking to make big changes in their lives. I'm going to dedicate any future spare time to reading Atomic Habits, journaling, and doing my best to maintain my healthy routines despite being away from home. Still haven't played video games in 18 days! That's a victory. I have checked forums and updates on the new Civ expansion but this has been drastically reduced in time. As I mentioned, I had my first relapse in PMO today. Onwards.
  23. @fawn_xoxo: I really appreciate your compassionate perspective. Thank you. I'm my own best/worst critic and I can be harsh with myself. I think a big side-effect of this 90 day journey is getting in touch with an inner voice that approaches problems with curiosity and compassion versus guilt, shame, etc. I will definitely pick up that book. One of the difficulties I've had with such recommendations in the past is that I have consistently jumped to "oh, this would be a good resource for my clients." Everything became about becoming better at my job, accruing resources... I'm glad to say that that mindset is starting to turn around. Being an example of my ethics, values, and beliefs is exactly why I decided to do this thing in the first place. I want to re-evaluate my relationship with video games, to have more objectivity, and to get started with alternative habits. Day 13 journal: Today was a chill, indoor day. 4 inches of new snow meant that I missed the gym but got out and did a lot of playing in the powder. I spent a lot of time reading the fifth book in the Wheel of Time series, proving that a good fantasy novel can engage me just as much as a good game. I felt bored at times today, and am pleased to report that I felt a drastic reduction in cravings to play video games, watch streams, or check forums. Getting outside and changing my space/environment was essential to success I think. Having developed a list of resources from the Respawn modules was also clutch! I'm heading out of town/off the grid for work for a couple of days. My next check in will be Wednesday.
  24. Day 12 journal: Yesterday, I reflected on making a big behavioral change like giving up video games and PMO for 90 days. I don't think that I have ever attempted something like this by choice. Previous big changes have happened because of a geographical change (move), job change, relationship change, etc. This time, I'm doing this because I want to find out if I can do it. I want to re-evaluate my relationship with gaming and intimacy. Approaching this with the mindset of it being an 'experiment' helps me ease back on the anxiety. There's less pressure because sometimes experiments fail or the results turn out differently than the hypothesis. If I relapse it's an opportunity to check out my plan: what went wrong, what was I feeling, what didn't I account for, etc. I told the therapist I'm seeing about PMO yesterday. That was FUCKING SCARY. I felt overwhelmingly anxious and disgusted. It's a dark secret that I hold very close because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of it. Writing about it here is easier than telling another human being. Thankfully, he received it compassionately and helped me explore it a bit. One of my goals through this detox process is to begin owning these parts of myself, gaming and PMO, rather than them owning me and feeling the compulsion to hide them and be secretive. We tested one-rep maxes for front squats yesterday! I pushed my max from 175 to 200, which I feel proud and accomplished of! Hitting the gym regularly is fulfilling a lot of needs: social connection, measurable growth and progress, and challenge. The mental game is exciting too. I get to be my own cheerleader and coach, and also practice some self-compassion too. I picked up the fifth book in the Wheel of Time series, The Fires of Heaven, from the library yesterday too. Gaming got in the way of continuing to plug through these books and now seems like the perfect time to pick them back up. Getting out of the house, changing the space, was great too. I did a lot of journaling and reflecting on the New Year. I've been reading more poetry too and I found some excellent new poems from David Whyte that really resonated. Until tomorrow....
  25. Hey @Phoenixking, thanks for being so real with your posts. Like you, I struggle with PMO and intimacy. It sounds like your romantic side is being engaged with Elien and that's helping to stave off porn. Romance is a whole-body/sensory experience, so that makes sense. It's literally more engaging. Porn reduces intimacy to an orgasm and that's it. That's probably why it's so addictive - dopamine and orgasm, dopamine and orgasm, repeat. 'The call' sounds like a sweet opportunity! I'm excited to read about how that develops. Maybe consider approaching the problem of defining your worth as a writer differently: what are your basic expenses that you need to cover, how much time do you estimate investing in the project, what seems like a reasonable rate given how much the project will make monetarily... If you want to go more concrete, look at the numbers.
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