TwoSidedLife

Day 10 Last Night's Dream #8: I was watching a video game stream on a TV at a school. I was really interested in it and wanted to play it. Before I did I watched to see what game it was. It was a racing game. There was a car and menu screen, the option to customise cars. (Idk cars well, but F1 style car). There was a commentator speaking about the gameplay of a 'pro'. It was a 'pre game' kind of speech about the player, all that was on the screen so far was just the car. A specific thing I remember hearing was "This is Billy(?), and he's been playing this game since he was only 10 years old! That must mean he really does believe in space!" (In a way that this is his passion and that he may believe in human expansion into space or aliens). The game was a racing game set in space. This was an interesting dream that got cut off / interrupted by someone knocking on the house door. Today's Progress Feels like time is flying! I'm not thinking about games or craving them. But I want to actively resist them still so I can improve myself. Been encouraged by someone to learn more things w free courses (Since I have a passion for learning) Feel more incontrol of my life and decisions. I get to choose my path for studying again. Researching schools. Will likely do a course online since open enrollment and self paced. Attempting to go to a real university (Yeaaah! This is a dream that could come true!!). It means a lot to me since gaming stopped me from really learning in school (Always skipping to game) and later on drugs alongside it made it worse. Otherwise I can get accepted as mature age next year. Im really happy right now about it :)

@BooksandTrees I've got a bunch. Definitely too much to focus on at once. I'm able to focus on two at a time as i've learnt. My layout for review and completion doesn't satisfy me though, so I end up redoing the layouts a lot. Two at one time is good for me and I usually phase them in one at a time after a week of staying to the habit. Layout has been my biggest downfall honestly. Not a lot of info out there on how (layout wise) to set the goals and where to write them exactly. Definitely overthinking it too much too. Could be simpler, but i'd love to get a sense of achievement from ticking off when I get to a milestone or finish a goal. So far I just write the date next to the milestone.

Day 9 Last Night's Dream #7: It was an end of the world scenario. I was in a shelter with some ppl I knew back in High School (Not my friends tho). It was like we had to get along to survive. I was sitting on a fence out the front of the sheltered cave thing and bullets were being shot at us. Everyone told me to get down, run inside ect. Inside there was some old guns. Someone said we need to take a gun and clear out the (zombies?) that're deeper in the shelter. The gun had to specifically be one that would 'fire twice' on two shots (Like burst fire in a video game). I don't know anything about guns, so I just took this old looking pistol thing. Very slim gun and was rusty. We all took an elevator mine shaft thing to go down a few levels. It was dark. In the elevator I asked how do I 'quick equip' my gun in the hud (LOL). The hud was blue. When we got off the level, things came at us from different directions and everyone went different ways. I struggled to pull the trigger twice on the gun (To make sure they're dead). I was chasing after one that was running really fast. I couldn't aim properly and I couldn't pull the trigger easily. Eventually, there was a surface in this world. It was like stepping out in a completely different reality/world where nobody was trustworthy. I ran out of a basement carpark from a big looking mall. There was traffic and cars on the otherside. Today's Progress I've tried writing down my goals in steps in my bullet journal. Sometimes i'm just not satisfied with how it works and it really annoys me. I might have to try again with writing it in a way I like it. This has been holding me back for months now!

Always gave really wise advice. Youve been an awesome motivator in these forums. Also wishing you the best of luck for where lifes gonna take you next. Im happy for you that youre seeking professional help to further better yourself! God bless!

Day 8 Last Night's Dream #6: I was sitting in my living room laying down and playing a game on my tablet. My family was around me doing usual stuff (Chores mostly, tv in the background). I was really intrigued by this 'simple' game. It was some kind of puzzle game with a skill level for children. I realised I was playing a game and still didn't want to stop. Something was just really interesting and strange about the game that kept me hooked. I also realised in that moment that the game I was playing was strange for my style/skill level, since it seemed too easy. One of the levels I was playing was some kind of pair matching game. (There's a very low level of logic in dreams). The symbols involved were like 'cell structures' that you'd see in a biology class. (I did very well at biology and genetics in school, its something i've not revisited since however). Today's Progress I really want to make a conscious effort to organise myself and my goals. Everytime i'm bored, I always want to do something that is towards my goals, but i'm too afraid to start without careful planning. I've still never been able to manage a precise goal system that works for me. I struggle mostly with WHERE to write it. I found I also prefer RPM method over SMART method. Technology lets me down as I don't check it often enough. Papers also tend to get lost. I'll probably attempt to write this in my bullet journal (But i've neglected any 'To-Do's' over the past few days. Instead i've been messing around on Social Media and drinking.

Day 7 Last Night's Dream #5: I was at somekind of school gathering. A lot of my old friends were there. A teacher calls out asking for my friend. I look around, find them and bring them along to them. The teacher starts this weird thing, where they gather the standing ppl to create a shape (a giant shape made of people). It was a giant U arching at the top. It was basically done. I asked where do I go? And the teacher says I don't belong and won't be apart of it. They quoted something from my past. They wouldn't let me join because of my past. It was as if they believed people don't change and never can change. We were on a tall cliff. I put my arm around the teacher and say, look at that board. The screen we looked at was a gaming leaderboard, across a canyon (ravine?). Although not IRL accurate, it had my gaming username from 6 years ago along w my mentors username above mine (A multiplayer game I use to play before quitting fully end of 2014). I was a hypocrite and started bragging to the teacher about it. They said it just wasn't good enough. In another part of the dream afterwards, I was shown 'my best moments' in gaming (It wasnt the exact same but had elements of it). I was amazed at what I did. At the same time I was pointing out my own flaws, strategising and thinking of ways I could improve the minor stuff. (Teachers and school is a very common dream theme for me. In the years I played this MP game, I started a lot of trouble at school and dealt with a lot of teachers). Today's Progress Today was very quiet. I've worked out a plan to continue studying. Not in a rigid class setting and more individual work. I realise my dream had deep aspects of perfectionism involved. Since i'm off for the rest of the week, I want to make the most of it by getting back on track and learning more personally useful things

I think it'd be helpful to challenge this statement "When i'm in a good place to be playing games again". Detoxing at it's core is about making the effort on your part to self improve aswell, since quitting/stopping won't change your life automatically. Some people here know full well they want to quit forever. Myself, I don't know if i'll go back and it's too much detail to analyse that fully. I just focus on the now, adjusting and living without gaming. I don't think about if, when, how ect. i'll go back to gaming. My multiplayer days are far outnumbered with this new generation stuff. I use to play TF2 and quit at the end of 2013 (With a few relapses in 2014, but none since). I switched to singleplayer only and was still just as addicted. That game to me always had the vibe of being alone. Rarely anyone would talk in the chat. I also was big on trading and even then nobody likes to talk or make friendships, it's more straight to business. I had a mentor that got into the top team in my country. We didn't have a meaningful friendship at all. It was just all serious gaming bs. Their team was also very toxic. The only interactions I saw them make outside the team was often shit-talk. I also never found myself a team but was easily one of the best (This was before the ranking systems also). This game was dying and the few online friends I had just left the last message encouraging me to change toanother multiplayer game (overwatch was one of them). A few years after I left, one of my online friends (who also quit around the same time) sent me a link about TF2. Basically they found many players were cheating and using hacks, including a few members in my mentors team. There was one player I wasn't able to beat 1:1 in my country and they turned out to be hacking (Aimbot and walls). Multiplayer isn't everything its cracked up to be. I'm sure a lot of people knew about me ('Rich' player always pubstomping). But they don't know I had no friends and no team. Irl, I was making trouble at school. Detention, suspension, teachers keeping a tight hold, phone calls home, grounded ect. the whole lot. More people would've known about that toxic team. But nobody knows that most of them are cheats. My opinion is that its all just an illusion when you see gamers w lots of friends, 'best' players ect. We don't know how it is for them on the otherside of the screen. I also believe most ppl play multiplayer for a sense of achievement specifically over other people. To directly prove they're better than others. It is mostly just playing alone. I don't think anything meaningful can come from online gamer friends. Trust is important in friendship. You should personally self reflect and re-evaluate WHY you want to 'make sure you engage with the people you're playing with'.

Day 6 Today's Progress Stopped drinking finally. This is getting easier I suppose Had a talk with the teachers and decided i'm not in the right course. Hoping to change courses tomorrow or at least explore my options more. Need more outlets for stress, better start planning that

Day 5 Today's Progress Been productive today, done more things I set out to do I've been feeling really bored. As if there's nothing that can possibly bring me happiness, fun ect. I know this'll pass and it gets much better when this goes. School's going to be a big challenge again. I'm considering weather i'm really up for it, weather I should drop out or not. At this point, I know I have to give a LOT of effort. Probably more than i've ever had to do. It's very tough learning how to collaborate and talk with others.

Day 4 Last Night's Dream #4: I was a manager of a business. I was able to 'assign' workers using a hud to specific activities. I was in the first person view of myself. I had to keep the buildings in working order, make them productive ect. The buildings were lettered from A-F. I had a list of employees I could control and it also showed who had 'died' on the job. I recall sending attractive workers to work near me (I usually did this in tycoon games, where i'd only hire attractive ppl as a theme). While I was sitting at my desk and the workers were coming towards my space, I realised I was gaming and I was breaking my streak. Instead of stopping the game I continued, saying 'oh well, i'll just reset the streak'. I 'contiuned to binge'. I sent a worker out to 'explore new resources'. They found an entirely new world beneath us with resources we could mine and make money off. I recall going down there and seeing it as a dusty desert. A main reason i've been logging dreams is for when I think I broke my streak. It's a very real feeling but often in the dream i'll say 'oh well, it's broken, may aswell keep going'. The only dream i've had where I resisted and stopped gaming, I woke up yelling no (lmao!). Today's Progress Been drinking again. But this time I got a lot done during the day! Recently i've been assigning days to to-do-list tasks (My system works okay right now, probably need to space them out more). Whilst i'm drunk, I almost relapsed. I wanted to play some (torrented, sorry!) games on my computer. I realise I didn't want to play them cause they're so boring and repetitive!! My sibling is holding my steam account right now and it's helped a lot. I went on to try find some flash games. They too looked unappealing. They also didn't run on my computer (Good thing idk how to get flash to work) and I gave up on it. Instead i'll just sleep, or watch some videos to further my understanding on goals, habits ect. I've always had a passion for learning new things and filling the gaps in my knowledge. I need to get back to that right now!! :)

I have no idea how long I stopped. I wasn't tracking it or aware of NoFap at the time. I realised it was a problem when I was in a relationship. About 2 years after the breakup, I made the choice to stop. Was around the same time I quit multiplayer games (Also didn't know abt StopGaming). I definitely went a good few months without it. I got to a point where I didn't think about it anymore (No more cravings) and I was more interested in dating. During those months was when school ended and everyone went to different schools afterwards. Thats where I met that attractive person and really want to date them. Basically from there I fell off the tracks and got more involved with drugs. Went back to it cause of the drugs, haven't tried again since (I should tho, I realise now that NoFap made my life a lot better). Lost the person cause of the drugs and that made me relapse heavier into it. Kept gaming cause of the drugs too (Tho I was successful in abstaining from Multiplayer Games, I got addicted to Singleplayer instead). I've pretty much quit and relapsed a lot of things over the years. Overall though with NoFap, I would just say don't think about the future. Just focus on the now. Lol, there's also a womens section on NoFap for women who're doing it. Idk how common it is with women, but it's a fact that most will never admit to it. We can be just as addicted however and we feel the same about it mentally and physically. It's a tricky discussion when it comes to 'how long' though.

@BooksandTrees Thankyou so much for the reality check! It's really time for me to start sticking to the things I set out to do and need to do. I've got goals, habits ect. I've had a psych for 5 years and know what and where my problems are. For some reason i'm just continuing to ignore it all and not actually doing anything to change. I've got all the answers I need right in front of me, but i'm not taking and learning from it like I should be. This truly gives me reasons chase certain goals. Like learning a language so I can talk to my family more (Large majority have English as their second language). Best of luck to you!

This is just my personal experience from a few years ago (As a woman), abstaining made me very motivated to approach and talk to new ppl. I didnt think twice about approaching someone, it was either have eye candy or nothing at all. I remember meeting and keeping a friendship w someone really attractive for a year. I approached them in the first 5 mins of seeing them. Doing that also helped distract from the feeling for a long time. I think this is one of the main purposes of doing nofap too. It makes you want to persue interactions wih others. I made mistakes on the way and learnt. If I kept on w nofap, no doubt I wouldve been in a relationship w them. I still regret it and I made the mistake of turning them down for no reason (I just blame the drugs lol). You'll manage and you'll get by. Get out there and meet some ppl!

There's only 1 game series with a sountrack I love (Deus Ex). I've gone as far as listening to remixes, covers on guitar, the original orchestra ect. It does feed nostalgia. Even tho I could say I use it for inspiration (Since I want to make music and I play guitar), I tend to avoid it. Music always has memories attached to it. I've also found that unrelated tracks that sound similar to it will trigger nostalgia for me. My advice is to explore and find a completely new genre you've never heard of but enjoy. I deleted almost 1000 tracks and never went back to those genres when I quit pot (Some kind of electro genre, hip-hop and really heavy metal). I found that the music was just making my cravings worse for it. Music is a part of the environment, so changing it completely will set you up and feel like you're turning to a new page in your life. I did find completely new genres that I really enjoy. There's a lot out there.

Hello Splitstep! Just wanted to say i'm REALLY encouraged by your devotion to God! I'm fairly new to Christianity. I believed when I had a massive realisation one day. I've also been the kind of person to need more than 7 hours of sleep (I need 12...10 just isnt enough!). It's super hard to study being like that tho. I thought it might be helpful if I put forth to you that you could have Sleep Apnea. I've had suspicions of it in myself but have yet to see a doc. So far i've noticed I have the symptoms that come along (Moodiness, headaches, decreased mental activity ect.). Still makes no sense to me how others can sleep for only 7 hours God Bless you! I wish you all the best for staying on track to get over 90 days! You're doing so well!

Day 3 Today's Progress Can't believe it's Day 3! I've been drinking a lot ? I've been feeling really nostalgic about someone I use to like a lot. I kind of blame myself and i'm still confused about the situation. Not sure how to resolve this feeling, been like this for 3 years I realise.

Day 2 Today's Progress I'm glad I made the choice to have my sibling make and keep a new password on my gaming account. Otherwise, i'd be relapsing again. I feel incredibly bored, which is always a phase in stopgaming. At least I get a good few days alone haha

Day 1 Today's Progress I've had a really good day. I managed to stay in class for the entire day, kept busy and learnt a lot of new things. Changes I made: Having real breakfast and doing some exercise before school. Really boosted my mood! I've got a lot of work to do over the next few weeks. I'm going to take my friday (off day) to get ahead and study more for school. Looking forward to the weekend, time off to finally revise my goals, steps and habits in full again. Thankyou all for the support!!

Wow! Yeah, it's pretty much the same w my dreams. I filled up an entire book when I was in hs, would take me hours to do but I didn't care about being late back then lol. I don't like re-running mine, so I guess you're move level headed then I am haha. --- Sounds like you almost had an astral projection! I've never tried it before on purpose, but I did it once when I was meditating. I just rolled over, sat up a bit and had my arm holding my weight on the corner of my desk. Then a few moments later I was thinking 'Wait, why am I half sitting up? I'm trying to sleep'. So I laid back down. Then I opened my eyes and realised I never moved. Was really strange, looked exactly like real life. :)

Day 0 RELAPSE I kept gaming yesterday and today. I found that i'm more drawn to games with social interaction now. Today i've made the choice to start day 1 tomorrow. I only played 30 mins (A new record!) until I got mindnumbingly bored. I would much rather play an instrument, find new music ect. than keep on gaming. Although my playtimes are much shorter now, I still want to quit gaming for 90 days. If I kept gaming, I would likely fall back into gaming for hours with no progress in life. I also don't want to rely on gaming to make me happy or be used as a 'reward'. I notice with any addiction I get - if I go just a few hours without it, I'll get mad and restless. Gaming is like a baby's pacifier.

@Mouxine Maybe I just rely on others too much. Maybe I overreact a lot, i'm not too sure. Surely I need a better way to calm down after a disagreement though.

Do you usually remember your dreams? I've been logging mine since I remember all of them vividly hahaha (Though I relapsed yesterday). This is really interesting to me though! Whenever I get far into a streak and dream about gaming, I don't stop gaming in the dream. Rather I start thinking 'damn, now I need to reset my streak'. Gets hard to tell sometimes if I really did game or not lol. Hope everything goes well for your leg, get well soon! You're doing great so far! Also hope you keep playing that guitar. When I first started out, I played relentlessly until I couldn't physically go on anymore hahaha. Was a really awesome experience though learning from the start and seeing my progress now :)

Day 8? Today's Progress I had a minor relapse and i'm not sure weather to count it. I opened a game, set up the settings, customisations and things. Then when I got in the game, I didn't even take a first move. I just quit because I want something meaningful to reflect real progress. Impulsivity. I'm mad that my parent ignored me and left without me to go somewhere. Need to rethink and take time away

Day 7 Today's Progress It's come to my attention that I shake when i'm anxious, it's something i've never noticed until someone else told me. I usually get nausious when i'm anxious. Sometimes i'm not mentally anxious, but i'm physically anxious. Quitting smoking is making me more impulsive. I can't afford to smoke anymore and i'm hoping for the best when it comes to stopgaming. Today I did a 'brain dump' and allocated tasks all the way up to March. I've got things to do everyday now.

@WuqingDi Thank you :) Hahaha i'd say it's a great thing not remembering honestly. Dreams can be very disturbing at times (Nightmares). Even if I can escape it, I don't forget about it since it's very vivid. The dreams related to gaming get more full-on further in, to a point where I believe I broke my streak and need to restart again. They're the dreams i'm mainly interested in, since I don't know whats causing it. Other times I might confuse my dreams for real life (vice versa also) and think that something was a irl memory when it was just a dream (and vice versa). Those to me specifically happen when i'm stressed though, which is when my Dissociative Disorder symptoms come out to play.