Silverlining

Day #100: 1/28/2019 Monday We were moving for the past weekend. Now we live in a bigger apt with a better view. Yay! I had known that my weekend would be occupied, so I finished my weekly study materials on Friday. It felt so nice on Saturday morning, when I woke up and felt than I could focus on and enjoy moving without worrying about my deadline! That being said, the moving was very tiring. My feet are still sore. And we still have some unopened cases lying around. And emotional. It will take me some time to get used to this new place. And I had a stressful dream last night. In the dream, I joined a race where I felt that I would definitely win. But I failed. I cried very hard and ran away from the crowd. It felt so real that when I woke up, I could feel the weariness from crying. I don't know how to read it. I'm not in any competition in real life.

It's not just the money. A TA experience is valued in many cases. It shows that you have excelled in academics, and that you have great communication skills and patience. It may also help you land a recommendation letter from the faculty who supervises you, if you need it. On the other hand, it's time-demanding, since you need to prepare for each lab session and may need to grade lab reports and host office hours. Usually you need to devote at least 10 hrs/wk to it. Given your schedule, you might have to give up something for it. So the question is, what are you willing to give up? And please don't say "sleep", because you are going to need it.

That's a good line. I'm gonna write it down and stick it to my desktop monitor.

That's probably true. I have been thinking about this a lot recently, and I should write about it later when I think it through.

Thank you! This is exactly what I need to hear!

Day #93: 1/21/2019 Monday First of all, I completed my last week's plan at 10:07 pm yesterday. Yay! It may seem too close to the deadline, but I'm actually quite happy about it. Because we did so many things last weekend. We are transferring to a bigger apt in our building this weekend. And I see this as an opportunity to tidy up. I've been a well organized person, except when I was binge playing games. And this time, I have decided to take it to the next level by watching an episode of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and following her instructions. We filled three 13-gallon bags with unwanted clothes. And we still need to go through miscellaneous items this week. We should have done this sooner. I have a down jacket that I will probably never wear again, while someone could have been wearing it in this snow storm if I had donated it. It also makes me think about my shopping choices. I deleted most of the items in my Amazon shop cart -- I planned to buy them after we move, but now it seems to me that I don't need most of them. Now that I think about it, I probably have problems with shopping. When I graduated and started to earn a salary, I used to spend many of the evenings wandering in the malls. Even when I became addicted to MMORPGs and had no time for shopping in real life, I would spend a lot of time and money shopping around and buying virtual stuff in the games. Now that I quit gaming, it seems that my desire to buy unnecessary things is getting stronger. I hope Marie Kondo's philosophy can be helpful to my problems.

First of all, you MUST try to acknowledge and celebrate your achievements. It's not the icing on the cake, but something essential to a happy life. You have come a long way. Seriously, quitting games and sugar at the same time? Few people can do that. You are killing it! You have worked so hard to improve your life, and you have really turned things around. Reward yourself, draw some smiley faces ?, do a little victory dance! In my opinion, exercise is probably still the easiest thing to do to make you happier. And healthier, obviously. And you don't have to go to the gym. There is a gym in my building so it's very convenient to me. But if the idea of going to the gym feels like a big deal to you, then it might not be the best place to start with. I understand that winter can be tough. But there are plenty of exercises that you can get at home. Search for yoga, pilates, aerobics or HIIT on Youtube. One of my favorites is FigureRobics with Jung Da Yeon. You can start and stop any time you like. Exercise increase dopamine, endorphins and serotonin levels which are all chemicals that make you happier. Also I would say that enjoying solitude and wanting to go out don't have to be contradictory. You spend so much time at home working with a computer, it's natural that you might want to get out of the house or at least stay away from your computer from time to time, even if you don't really want to socialize. Maybe sometimes you would enjoy sitting in a quiet cafe and drinking a coffee alone. Just try different things, follow your heart.

You should sleep better without games anyway. Delete all the mobile games and social apps or anything that attracts you that aren't necessary from you phone. You may reinstall them. That's fine. Delete them again whenever you realize it. Go to the gym in the afternoons and evenings. Do not eat a meal within 3 hours before bedtime. Read a book if you feel bored before bedtime. Get up as early as possible in the morning and keep your day as busy as possible. It takes some time but when you have a healthy sleep-wake cycle, your life will be so much easier.

You see, when I think about all my past relapses, I realized that they were not in vain. I learned something every time. This journey has been full of ups and downs, but the trend is upwards. Even if I relapse some day (which hopefully never happens), I believe that I can recover very soon. And thank you! You have been a good friend through this journey ? Hey! The party has just started! I plan to stay here for a long time, like you ? And thank you for your comments on my marriage. I agree with you. Back in the days when I was single, or dating the wrong guy, I had always wanted a future husband who was a lover, a friend, a teammate and a comrade-in-arms (metaphorically). I'm lucky enough to find my husband. And more importantly, I am lucky enough to be sober and to work together with him towards a dream life. If I stayed attached to games, I would most certainly ruin my marriage some day. Thank you! I have noticed that you have been active on this forum, and that's a good sign -- according to my secret observation, being active here is highly correlated with staying game-free. Good luck with your detox!

Day #90: 1/18/2019 Friday Yay! Day 90! I'm so excited! I'm going to keep counting. Let's see how long it will last ? I guess I have been in an easy mode of detox. I'm older than many of you, which probably means that I should have better self-control. I'm happily married, and my husband has been extremely understanding and supportive. I have a full-time job for years, so I have been used to go to bed on time and wake up early every morning, even in my worst days. And I have done this before. Tons of times. In graduate school, I had been game free for almost two years. There had also been quite a few attempts afterwards, each lasted from a few days to a few months. So a 90-day detox is nothing new for me. But it's different this time. Now I'm confident that I'll keep going. This time, I picked up old and new hobbies, and I exercise frequently. I have set up long-term and short-term goals, and I have become used to keep up with weekly deadlines, thanks to Coursera. I keep a diary, which is too dull to post here, but simply counting the days has a magical effect on me. Most importantly, I have this wonderful community where I feel accepted. Thank you, Everyone! I could have stayed away from games on my own for a short while, but with this community, I can see from a new perspective and now I finally accept that gaming and I are over. There is no future for us. Never was, never will be.

That explains all the struggles that you have been through while growing a new hobby. Your game experience was too excited. I guess we were both addicted to MMORPG, so I can totally relate to your feelings. But this detox could be much harder on you.

I respect the way how you analyze your feelings. Love is rare for many people. There are plenty of attractive, smart, funny people out there staying single and searching for love (including your future girlfriend). Just be yourself. It will happen when it happens. Also if a girl tells you these things, you are in her friend zone. And more likely "not-a-potential-boyfriend-material" zone. If you still have feelings for that girl, stay away from that zone.

OMG I love this video (and need it). Thank you so much for sharing it!

I see. You were probably very good at gaming and received a lot of attention back then. I miss my old gaming community, too. I guess it's kind of like after breaking up, you are still not over your ex, but you know that the best thing to do is move on.

That's OK. I'm gonna say subjectively that you don't really want to play games. You want to have fun by challenging yourself, or to relax. Sometimes when I have been working hard and living a healthy life, I get this feeling that I "deserve" to waste something ? So I would "waste" some time watching TV shows (in small amounts). Or I would "waste" some money to buy unnecessary things (also in small amounts). Then I would feel a little bit guilty, which is enough to motivate myself to continue studying or working, and yet not too much so that I would feel depressed. I'm not saying that you should follow my example. Just that there are plenty of challenging or relaxing activities which are not disastrous to your life. We chose to quit gaming for a reason. Keep that reason in mind.

Day #85: 1/13/2019 Sunday At 10:45 Sunday night, my weekly study plan was finally finished. I'm both tired and excited now. My husband has also been studying and working last night and tonight. It feels great to have a study buddy. I mean, I used to study together with friends when I was in school, but the inability to stay focused made me feel like an outlier.

Not getting enough sunshine can result in a drop in your serotonin level, which may lead to depression. The good new is, you are right about gym. Aerobics and yoga will increase your serotonin level, which can be considered as a compensation. As for food craving, I might have some tips. Try healthy snacks. e.g. boiled eggs, if you are not allergic. Eating eggs makes you feel full and crave less, and needless to say how healthy it is. And pecans, walnuts, etc., raw, or roasted. And chewing gums to fight boredom. You are cutting down on sugar and your body has not adapted to this change yet. It's natural that you might feel even stronger cravings now and then -- our ancestors had to eat as much as possible whenever there was sufficient food. The good news is, dieting consistently can shrink our appetite. Just like quitting games, it will become easier as time goes by. Replacing a bad habit with a good one is much easier than getting rid of the bad habit alone. I have deleted anything "fun" on my phone, but I still can't resist the temptation to pick up some digital device before bedtime. So I have replaced it with a kindle, and now I read for a little while before going to sleep. ?

Day #82: 1/10/2019 Thursday Today I finally completed the Machine Learning course that I had expected to finish last week. Well, it's better now than later. I still have a lot to study to meet my weekly target.

Day #79: 1/7/2019 Monday A little upset. Just a little. I have had occasional migraines for years. It started again last Saturday, and lasted through Sunday morning. It was so bad that I couldn't ride a car, so we had to walk to a nearest grocery store (which is not our favorite) to buy some food. It would be relieved by a certain pain reliever (apparently not all kinds of pills work for me), which I can't take right now, because I don't know if I'm pregnant or not. It's still too early to know and all my home tests are negative, but I just can't take that risk. Sadly, during the week I was procrastinating because I felt that I would have plenty of time to study on the weekend. I found myself mindlessly browsing again. The BlockSite extension has lost its power since it takes one click to turn off. Well, the migraine took away most of my productivity at the weekend. Consequently, I didn't reach my weekly goal. I'm 70% through my materials, so this week I have to study twice as hard to catch up. High price of procrastination. The good news is that I may have found a new way to stay away from mindlessly surfing the internet while studying, which is covering my keyboard with a few pieces of paper. At least it worked last night.

That's a tricky one. I used to go to the cinema alone and watch a movie. Now I would prefer coloring books like Secret Garden.

That's good to know! I have realized that many of us have gained the same ability since we quit gaming -- we still face all kinds of problems and we get depressed from time to time, but we all have learnt to be resilient by analyzing ourselves, meditating, asking for help and helping each other. I'm so proud of you guys ?

Watching videos from your phone is not a way to relax in any sense. If you are physically tired, meditation, yoga or simply sleep are much better. If you are mentally drained, working out, walking outside or even doing chores are good ways to relax.

Day #74: 1/2/2019 Wednesday The first diary in the new year! The holiday is officially over and everything is back to normal ? I have just finished my 2nd course on Coursera since sobriety (still waiting for the grade from a peer graded assignment). And finishing my 3rd one in the next 2 days. Going forward I need to focus on my big exam in May. And I have made a plan. I like that on Coursera there are weekly deadlines, which keep me on track. It works so well that I decide to set up weekly deadlines in my exam plan too.

Happy new year everyone!

I fear that the biggest challenge for me is that after the holidays, it becomes more difficult for me to regain self-control. The more "fun" I have, the longer it lasts, the more likely it will take away some good habits that I have built up. Thank you! That's very useful advice. Now I try to stand up as much as possible and do some yoga whenever possible. It makes me feel less guilty even if I don't have the time to go to the gym on that day. I managed to meet the deadline for my assignment on Coursera. And I'm going to the gym right now. I guess I was worrying a little bit too much. It's just too depressing to think about the possibility for me to relapse.