[Dear Diary...]

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was a better day.  I had fun being with friends after work and living a bit.  Sometimes I get so anxious at work because I feel like if I'm not working incredibly hard then everyone will stare at me and think I'm a piece of shit or a failure.  The funny thing is nobody cares.  So many people slack off and aren't productive.  It's impossible to be productive all of the time.  I think the difficulty of this week has lead to me being exhausted, drained, and anxious.  I'm trying to be easier on myself.

I also wanted to ask if anyone here has used CBD oil for anxiety and depression?  I don't want to try medication for anxiety although it was recommended.  I have been researching CBD oil and the proponents who support it laud its results.  Most people say their anxiety goes from a 10 to a 4.  It's a hemp based oil from the Marijuana plant, but has no THC in it so you can't get high.  It does not alter your body that way.  It's becoming the number one holistic method of treating anxiety and depression.

If I could have a solid 30 minutes without gut wrenching anxiety I'd be happy.  Anxiety and worry is making me sick.  My heartburn is gone for the most part, but when i get it I don't get burning.  I get severe pain in my throat, chest, and jaw.  It's like a heart attack almost.  My digestion can get out of whack, my depression is caused by it as well.  My doctor said I have pretty severe anxiety where I can't stop worrying.  I worry all day long about people's feelings, their emotions, how my actions might impact them, how other's actions impact others.  I try to control everything and I don't want bad things to happen.  Whenever I panic or worry I just feel my midsection writhe with pain and distortion.

I really have trouble not worrying.  It's going to kill me one day if I can't get a grip on it.  I'm trying deep breathing, but it's difficult to deep breathe every 30 minutes or so.  It's also embarrassing. When I try to calm my mind it just exhausts me.  I want to sleep all of the time when this happens.  

This is another reason why I miss video games.  Instead of worrying I'd just play the game and not think.  The catch 22 there is that I get severe heartburn gaming.  This means that subconsciously I was worrying and panicking about being the best, controlling the game, and making sure I won each game.  This is the effect of competitive gaming and being a professional gamer.  I guess now that I'm not lost in a game I'm more aware of the stress I put on my body.  I think the CBD oil might be a good starting point for me.

 

I know what you feel. I get that feeling every day before school. It’s the feeling I used to get as a little kid when I knew I was about to get chewed out. Now I can’t get away from it. I go home and start throwing stuff. I get stressed about the most random stuff that’s not worth it in the long run. My family doesn’t understand what I’m going through so they are no help. I don’t know if you are religious but something I do is pray to god to help me get through this. I also lay on the floor and list each thing I am grateful for in this world. As long as we are living brother we can get through this. Stay strong.

[I feel like a failure.]

Thank you for all the kind reply’s! I’m gonna do it, today will be my first day of quitting again. I’m headed to school so I’m going to tell all my gaming buddies my plan to quit. Hopefully all will go well, I will keep you guys updated!

[I feel like a failure.]

Last year I realized I had a problem. I was gaming 5-10 hours a day, lying to my family about how much I was playing and I decided to change when summer started. It was so hard at first because my friends would always text about how much fun they had and how they miss me. I ignored it and it became the best summer I ever had. I found new friends who wanted to go to hiking and running and I loved it. I had not touched any game for a whole 100 days. Then my sophomore year started. My friends convinced me to come back and play in moderation. I regret this so much now. I now am getting horrible grades, I got kicked off the football team, my life isn’t where I want it to be, and I get bullied at school because I’m not confident. I now game 5-10 hours a day and I feel horrible. I found this community last year and I’m now coming back to it for support because I’m trying to quit but it’s so difficult to stop because I use it to not be depressed.