Manhotelle

The biggest problem for me is that i can't stop gaming for more than 3 days. My schedule keeps me busy all day long until late evening where i am supposed to be doing my studies on my laptop. That's when i usually give up. Whenever i just think of studying for a moment, i start getting hard cravings, convincing myself that "it's fine and i can play a little". Now i am afraid, even terrified, to study, to be alone with my pc. What should i do?

Day 1 I couldn't stay out of games without journal. I've been gaming a lot in past 3 months, despite my previous progress. I lost hope that i will ever be able to drop games again. I guess, i'll have another try.

Day 1 I relapsed hard. I dropped my journal for 10 days, watched gaming stuff all that time and even played games for 2 days straight. But i don't feel ashamed or guilty. I am sure now that games is not what i want. When i relapsed, i let myself fully enjoy myself and have fun. And in the proccess i realised: i had enough fun here. I want to explore new options. I do not trying to drop games anymore - i am learning new ways of having fun. P.S. i started attending volleyball training and it was a lot of fun! I want to contunue improving there:)

Thanks man, never thought of giving up. Even when i sound desparate and pessimistic, it is only of my strict approach to self-analysis. I decided to allow myself to take an honest look at my actions and find the most obvious reason why certain things keep happening. I do get sad of bad results of course, but i am learning to learn from them :)

Day 19 I am finally home! In last days on my work i was quite busy so i skipped a lot of daily notes here, but i still tried to keep up with my plan. I do not miss my workout (which got harder a lot in the last 10 days) and morning meditation! I read 10 pages of a book almost every book (skipped only twice in the last 2 weeks) and doing more of my homework now. Doing pretty great!

Day 15 Goals: 2/4 Bonus: -/2 It was wrong approach. I think i dropped hardest goals before they happen to become habits. I'll figure it out.

Day 14 Goals: 2/4 Bonus: -/2 Definitely need to fix my sleep schedule fast.

Day 13 Goals: 2/4 Bonus:-/2 I want to sleep.............

Day 12 2 goals completed, bonus goals remained untouched. I still struggle. Struggle to convince myself that i'm doing right thing. That giving up some "fun" won't make my life worse, but better instead. That i will feel better doing anything, except gaming. I did not forget how painful were all of those days to me. I played and cried inside. I pretended to be happy. I absolutely sure of it. But i still afraid of changing my life forever, even though it would mean to fulfil my dreams. I don't want to lose my paper world despite knowing it is fake. Who will i be without it? When i decided to give up on games i didn't see any other option, but to follow somebody's advice and push through. I will do everything in my power to be free from my addiction. But i did lie to myself and i want to stop doing that. I gave up on myself when i stopped playing games. I finally admitted i was wrong and my whole personality with my bad habits and attitudes are wrong partly or totally. Somehow it was the hardest thing to admit: i was wrong. My way of life was wrong. I couldn't wholeheartadly do things i need to do to be more happy. Instead i feel guilt for being myself. I don't know what to do with it. It does not dissapear. It remains. I am doing good things everyday, i am applying Slight Edge principles, i become better day by day, it is noticable already, especially in my physical condition. But i still confused and i can't ignore it, like in past 3 weeks. I wrote all of that and now i feel like i don't know anything about my true self. I am not even sure if i do really feel this way or is it just moment of weakness. Probably i was honest with myself. I want to spend more time being honest with myself, but i probably need to learn how to do that.

Day 11 Goals: 2/4 Bonus missions: 0/2 I have not enough faith in myself. I do know logically i can complete my goals, but i don't believe that. Working on it.

I did use BetterHelp site at first, but my chaotic life with bad internet and a lot of traveling offered me no chance to make a proper conversation with my therapist. He was kind, but his advices were basic unfortunately. He was talking a lot about discipline in general, but didn't offer any precise plan or anything to stood on for a few days atleast. And then i found GameQuitters's site and Cam's book "Respawn". Well, getting advice from former hardcore gamer turned out to be exact thing i needed. His points and methods were excellent and i understood a lot about myself. If you still struggling with gaminf, perhaps " Respawn" can help you. Wish you luck, mate.

Day 10 Here i am again. 10 days! Goals achieved: 3/4 Bonus missions: -/2 I found myself struggling with my sleep schedule lately. I found new friends out here and spent a bit too much time with them after job. I like having fun with tgem, but it showed my weakness i have to cover quickly. I am lonely and i have no idea how to deal with it. What bothering me the mist is that I might relapse because of this again. I have a lot of "friends" in cs go. They don't have any connection with me and i did build the thickest wall between us i could, but... I have no computer out there with stable internet connection. Real challenge will start when i will get back to home and spend a lot of time alone with notebook and internet in my hands. What should i do to feel less lonely? Does anyone have any idea? I know i can get out of home if i feel about to relapse, but that is not a solution. I need to feel myself comfortable at home again.

Day 9 Goals: 2/4 Bonus missions: 1/2 Nothing special happened.

Day 8 I had not enough sleep, so i meditate. It. Was. A blast. I haven't been so effective for months. I have been so good, i finished almost all of my goals in 4 hours, despite all work stuff i was doing. Without a single minute of procrastination. It felt like i was a machine, i just did the best i could without hesitation. Everything was working like a clock until 13:00. At that moment i started to feel sleep deprivation and it was fast. Despite that i finished all my goals at the end of the day and even spent some time on my bonus mission! The most effective day by far! P.S. i noticed that my urge to finish things quickly didn't disappear. I but transformed into strong desire to get things done, because... I wanted to get those things off my list and do what i want to do. And i quickly imagine what i wanted. And there were no games in that imaginable list: freelance, an excellent english, good programming skills, finished exams and volleyball. I also think my disconnection from internet helped a lot. I didn't check my e-mails, nor i did read reddit.

Had no internet so missed my daily note ? Day 7 Nothing special: 2 goals achieved (did workout and read a book). Nothing comes in my mind what i had done useful on that day, despite 1 thing: i had an urge to finish my unfinished business right now. I had a feeling i need to do everything right now and use maximum effort, but... i resisted that feeling on purpose. Instead of rushing recklessly, i observed what were the obstacles that day that gave me enough trouble to finish up my daily plan. I came with obvious results: lack of sleep and messy thinking, because of it. And i gave myself a promise: if i know that i might not get enough sleep, i will get up 10 minutes earlier and meditate. And with that thought i ended my day.