BooksandTrees

Things are going good now. My wife and I implemented a new schedule to get us longer stretches of sleep. I feel like a new person lol. I'm very grateful for our communication strength and creativity. Thanks for your support and reading these. I've also lost 10 lbs. It feels nice.

Thank you!

Being a parent is so tough. Sometimes he doesn't stop crying and there's just this extreme cocktail of helplessness, self doubt, failure, and feeling unprepared. I love him so much and I feel so wonderful being a dad. But at night, his digestion is developing and he struggles with it. He cries for a long time. It's not colic but it's infant dyschezia. Very similar though but crying stops after he has a bowel movement. I think when I can't get him to stop crying I sit here and just wonder if I'm failing him. Am I a moron for thinking I was ready to be a dad? Was I ignorant? I don't think so. I just think I'm sleep deprived on top of suffering from what happened when he was born. That paired with my major depression is rough to deal with. I feel hopeless a lot of the time, but then he smiles at me or cuddles with me and I feel like the king of the world and my heart melts for him. It's a crazy swing of emotions. I think I've got this. I hope I do at least. My father bailed on my mom and me when I was this young. I seek to be there for my son every step of the way.

It's ok. Be kind to yourself and look back at your journey for strength.

I didn't realize it's been a month. My baby is home after 2 months in the hospital. He's ok and healthy. I'm very grateful and I love him more than anything in the world. My wife is ok I think. I'm struggling. That's all I have time to write at the moment. I just haven't healed fully from what happened, the trauma of being in the hospital for 2 months, and then everyone wanting to see him at home and not realizing he was very sick. His feeding is emotionally difficult now because he's cluster feeding and screams when hungry. Unfortunately, his screams forever remind me of some of the screams he made in the hospital when he was sick. I can't help but remember those difficult times. I've never felt so helpless. It's not all bad though. He's cute, warm, loving, funny, smart, loves napping on me, loves when we sing, makes funny noises, and just fills my heart with a love I didn't know I had. I'd give him the world if I could. Lots of emotional Ups and downs I'm learning. I'm always worried my wife is ok. She's finally seeing a therapist this week. I'm so glad. It's hard not to forget that she almost died as well. And when she cries at home, I remember her cries during the 2 months at the hospital. And there's just some days I can't help. Another wave of helplessness. But she's strong and persevering. I love her very much.

Thank you! I'll check yours soon once I have more time. I hope you're well.

Over the past few years I have found that I will treat gaming as a relapse, but not porn. I used to watch porn 5 times a day every day for years. Now I watch maybe a few times a month. I think this is acceptable for now. I have found porn way more difficult to quit than video games. I think if you aren't depending on it to get through stressful times then it's not as bad as gaming only because it's more of a natural function and is less time overall than 8 to 24 hour gaming sessions. Also, if watching porn leads to gaming again then definitely avoid. I just haven't had that correlation for me. Everyone is different though. Just remember you're aware of this and taking it seriously. Some people just watch 5 hours of porn every day and game maybe 1 hour. It's different for all. I think it's important to monitor how porn impacts your average day. Are you losing sleep? Are you skipping work and avoiding bills? Are you not socializing or cleaning your house or taking care of your hygiene etc?

Thank you for the kind words of support you guys. It's been very difficult to deal with this but I'm taking it day to day. Sometimes the nurses here are very confusing and rude to deal with and other times they're friendly, nice, and caring. I think it just depends on the nurse we get. Our son is progressing very well so far but we're always on the lookout for any set back that may occur. It's not always a straight shot to recovery from the hospital so we try to stay even keeled. I haven't really been able to write at all, but my wife and I developed a schedule to follow each day and we're making sure to do either important tasks or mental and physical health boosts. I've been doing lots of yoga each day and really feeling the benefits. I feel like I'm doing something for my body to appreciate it. I used to just go through the motions but now that I'm more stressed and providing for a child, I've found yoga to be more intentional than I did before when I lived alone. I think it's because I know it's helping preserve my health as I care for others. I did not value myself before and therfore did not care. I hope you're all doing well and sorry for not checking your journals lately. Internet in the hospital is not great and we're taking care of our kid most of the time there.

That's fantastic! Best of luck on this next step for you. Be patient. The newfound time without school is off-putting at first. Don't ruminate on it.

I haven't had any time to write recently. My wife had an emergency and almost died. I rushed her to the hospital. She gave birth brilliantly only 5 minutes after getting to the hospital. I apparently saved both their lives. They're both doing great now. She's healthy and dealing with the emotional trauma of what happened but she's so brave and doing great. My baby is doing great but will be in the hospital for a few weeks. But that's OK! We're both off of work for 4 months and spending each day at the hospital with him. I'm so happy they're ok. It's been very difficult going through all of these emotions. Some days are difficult and others are good. I'm so glad I've prepared my mind through therapy and quitting games. I feel like I'm very prepared to handle this adversity and come out with a good outlook. I'm very grateful that everyone is OK and for the care we're receiving at the hospital as well as from family. Time goes by very fast at the hospital. We do his cares and spend bonding time with him. We're trying to fit in little bits of time to read books or do small hobbies and they've helped restore us a bit. He should be home in 4 to 6 weeks. I might write less for a while just because of this but I promise I'll update you and share any successes I've found with dealing with stress and not relapsing. I think for me, the keys to success are sleep, nutrition, communicating My emotions and telling people how they can better help me, and finding joy in spending this time with my wife and child. If I eat poorly I lose any energy I had. If I don't communicate my pain or stress then I fester and get sick. My method for HALTED is getting me through this.

I just became a dad today!

Congratulations!! So you're done abs can get your degree now or is this for the semester?

I wrote the rest of my chapter today. I also realized I have vertigo caused by screen time and the angle at which I tilt my head and eyes at the screen. Cleaned a bit more today and talked to family too.

This week was really exhausting but not as bad as last week. I feel like I'm handling new work stress better and I didn't leave work brutally tired. So that was good. I also wrote a thousand words this week, spaced out over a few sessions. I ate better and exercised a little more. I had some good conversations with my wife about how I'm understood by her family as well. They like me, but I don't think they understand my past well enough to know the hardships I've been through. So we're working on that.

It's all about trusting yourself. If you have a craving and you can trust yourself to understand why you're having it, then you might be able to find a solution at that moment. Each moment is different though.

Today was exhausting but I got a lot done. Cleaned the house, visited family, wrote 1000 words, got my medicine, prepared for the storm, and read my book.

I also felt ashamed of feeling tired. I woke up earlier today and did some exercise. This got me productive the rest of the day.

This week's been so much better than last. I've written almost 2000 words, built the last of the furniture in my house that needed to be built, cleaned the whole house, read 60 pages of my new book, spent quality time with my wife, practiced good hygiene, meal prepped a ton, went shopping for essential things I'd been putting off, solved 3 big puzzles, and watched less TV overall. Work went well and I finished a few projects that had been lingering. I also exercised more in general. I'm glad I was able to turn things around after feeling down last weekend and earlier in the week. I needed that. Something that helped me is setting very small goals on activities and if I want to continue, I will.

I really love these photos. Great eye and perspective. Thanks for sharing.

I get frustrated that I sometimes crave video games and porn still after all of these years. It goes to show that this stuff never leaves your system. I've had to rely on my halted technique a lot over the past few weeks. My triggers were boredom and mood swings from all of the sugar I'd eaten from holiday candy. Like I crave sugar now. I had a mini meltdown tonight because I wanted to drive to the store to get huge cookies. I had to do the halted technique and calm down, have a snack, drink water, and get in a better state of mind. This road is a difficult one but we're stronger for trying. I also feel like I haven't written about cravings much in the past few years and maybe that makes me seem less relatable to anyone here in recovery. I've been away from gaming for over half a decade and I still get cravings. It's frustrating. But it's ok. It happens to all of us.

I felt ashamed of my hygiene this week so I made sure to shower and clean today. It can be embarrassing.

I had a really great week at work. Very busy but rewarding. This weekend has been great as well. We organized a few rooms to make them more functional. It just feels better now. I finished reading a book. Going to find a new one now. I also drew a sketch.

You're welcome. I understand. I got made fun of in high school for playing video games and my heritage. I went to a school where most of the students were white and never experienced diversity. College was better because there were more people of culture and they had similar experiences that I had. Try to realize that people will be more kind and empathetic in college. They come from other parts of the world and there's some vulnerability on their end too. You don't have to tell them about being bullied. Just be who you want to be. This is your time to reinvent yourself. No shame in being bullied. That's the bullys problem, not yours. Fuck them. Also, good job deleting discord.

I'm still dealing with shame regarding my weight. I went shopping today and got more protein dense foods for longer lasting meals.

Great job quitting discord. Embrace this discomfort. Most clubs are looking to recruit new members so they're going to be as nice as possible to you. Keep that in mind. When I was in college I joined a board game club that was nice but I also joined a professional society for engineering and started doing homework with my classmates. It improved my GPA and I made friends.