BooksandTrees

I think today was laundry day for many people. I was considering buying dumbbells. I don't see myself going to the gym for a while.

I'm a little anxious tonight. Sometimes I feel like I'm only comfortable when I have something I'm fighting for and on a mission for something. When I relax and I'm comfortable in life I feel like I could die and I'm very afraid of dying. People tell me to relax and have fun. Sometimes I just can't. I work so hard at work and then try to make incredible progress with hobbies and then self improvement. I sometimes think that self improvement is just another form of escapism for me. Like I'll never be content. Being content almost feels like I've accepted my fate or something. It's almost like I want a girlfriend, house, hobbies and more so my mind is occupied. I don't know. This virus is so isolating. I feel so lonely. I feel like I've betrayed myself by not practicing my hobbies or anything. My dad sees his girlfriend who sees her kids. I haven't seen my mom or dad in months. It's tough because I feel like I made so much progress with rock climbing and socializing and other hobbies. All of it is gone now. 2 years we're going to be in quarantine. Don't be stupid and think otherwise. We're fortunate that this doesn't have a greater death rate. There won't be a cure until September 2021 at the earliest. I feel like I'm watching myself descend into a state of mind and a world we can't ever dream of. I know it won't last. Look at life she all the plagues or 1918 flu. After a couple years life went back to normal for a century or so. This is why I'm not sure if I'm ever fighting for the right thing in life. Why would I want love or a girlfriend? Do I want her just to escape into a relationship and hide from my anxiety? What happens when I'm comfortable with her, a family, my hobbies, my career, what next? I always run from things I dislike because direction gives me control and power. I'm powerless against fear of death. It's like avoiding nightfall by flying around the earth backwards so it's perpetually daylight forever. But then I never experience life if I'm always running. That's something many addicts share. We are always running from our fears. Then we grow tired of addictions and face our fears and move on. That's when we feel regret and shame for not living life all that time. Then we find new addictions or relapse to avoid shame because shame is stronger than fear. Maybe my worries are meaningless. All I can do is work, make money, survive, and hope and pray. I'm grateful for my job, my food, my health, my life, my family, my friends, myself, and people working on vaccines, essential workers, and more.

Can you get a second opinion about your vocal chord issue from another ENT?

I've been lethargic as well. I haven't really wanted to post recently. I feel down and just not really motivated. My posts are not interesting. Maybe we're all experiencing something. I noticed a lot of the regulars have been posting less over the past 2 weeks.Are you doing 10 or 30 mins of meditation?

Today I'm 82 weeks free from gaming. I saw my friend at work today and talked to her for an hour or so. It was nice to finally see someone in person and talk a bit. I then had a video chat with my friend and talked to my dad for an hour. I did some stuff around the house and didn't really do much more. I'm getting kind of annoyed with Hunter x Hunter. It went from an exciting hunter environment, to just a tournament, to a fighting scene, and now something similar to yu gi oh. It has almost no structure at all to be honest and I don't like it. The characters are compelling so I kind of enjoy the journey, but I thought it was going to be more about hunting monsters, etc. I'm also considering joining the reddit r4r subreddit. I want to meet some women and talk to them for a bit. But I'm wondering if that's going to just open to door towards an online relationship that won't see the light of day. I just want to message a woman a few times per day, flirt, etc. I don't really know anymore. The quarantine is getting more difficult for me to handle during the month of May. I'm hoping for something this month. I just want to flirt, have someone interesting and interested in me. I would like more experience as well. Any kind of connection. I don't even know anymore. I feel kind of exhausted in general. I didn't want to 3d model today. Maybe tomorrow. I did happen to find a recipe for cooking cookies in the microwave in only 1 minute and it tastes excellent. It's more cakey than cookie, but I don't care. I make 1 at a time and it satisfies any craving I get for a sweet. Today I'm grateful for my friends, my family, myself, my food, and my apartment.

It's ok. This is such a difficult time. Just know tomorrow is a new day. Brain fog goes away. Day 50 feels the same as day 564. You got this.

Today was kind of frustrating. My work day was unproductive because I was just switching over stuff to my new computer and getting help from the IT department. It took 5 hours so I only really did 3 hours of work, but 2 of them were for meetings. So I really only did 1 hour of work. It was very boring. I'm going to try and finish my 3d model tomorrow morning. I didn't really want to work on it after work this week. It was kind of exhausting me and I had a very unmotivated week before Thursday. I'm going to try and learn my lesson as well. I'm only going to 3d model for 3 hours or so each day. I don't want to pull an 8 hour session and not be mentally relaxed before the week starts. I kind of think that burned me out. I'm thinking of starting the anime Gintama soon. It's on hulu and it looks like hunter x hunter is running out soon. I'm also going to meal prep a bit tomorrow. I found a potato recipe I want to try as well as a ground chicken recipe with beans and rice. I believe I have about 3 or 4 weeks left of food so hopefully that holds up. I don't really want to shop and it would be cool to make it 8 weeks between shopping trips. I showed my family some of the pictures I took yesterday and got lots of compliments. I think I found 2-4 photos out of the 300 to take. @Erik2.0 I was watching a tutorial where the guy said he takes 500 photos to find 2-5 photos for a profile. Apparently it takes a long time to show it correctly. I thought I was so ugly until I changed a few poses, studied how I was smiling, and modified my facial positions and posture. It made world of difference. Today I'm grateful for connecting with old friends, making amends with someone who used to be an enemy of mine and moving on, getting a new computer, having an in depth conversation with someone, myself for being brave during a tornado warning, and the week coming to an end.

It seemed arrogant by the name, but maybe I should. Lol

How's it going?

Sometimes you will just feel down. I think it's impossible to chase happiness every day. I thought gaming would make me happy every day and it didn't. Then porn, then social media, then YouTube, etc. Happiness is such a small portion of the day. I kind of just appreciate existing now and when I am happy I appreciate it more and put less pressure on sustaining it out of fear.

Today I had my most productive work day in about 2 weeks. It's also the first day in about 2 weeks I've slept longer than 4 or 5 hours. I didn't want to nap today either. I spent about 3 hours taking photos of myself for a future dating profile. I realize I won't be living at this current apartment for too much longer so I wanted to take advantage of the scenery. I took a ton of interesting photos at the bar, on the deck, by the lake, playing board games, doing yoga, playing hockey, cooking, etc. in different shirts and everything. I have a tripod as well so I just set it up. I didn't use my high tech camera because I didn't want to. I just used my phone. I took about 300 photos. The stupid thing is I'm going to try and nail that down to 4 photos lol. My other photos were not sexy, authentic, funny, fun, or anything. They were just bland smiles. I think it's so important to advertise yourself properly. I want women to know I'm funny, good looking, cute, sexy, flirty, and more. You can tell so much about someone from their eyes and expressions. I want to express that properly. There's a reason I'm getting so much attention from women in person and then nothing on apps. I'll try editing them later on the weekend. No need to do what I used to and force myself to complete projects immediately. I do wonder if I should ask my friend to take some photos of me, but we'll see. Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, my food, myself for doing better, sleeping, the weather, water, and the community.

Thanks. I'm glad we are both on the site as well as most others. It's a good community.

Hmm that's what I was afraid of. I sometimes don't enjoy when certain shows are too familiar. I might give it a shot. Mike judge was good at separating the two as was genndy tartakovsky. Thanks.

Welcome to the forums. I also saw the solar opposites preview on hulu, but I didn't watch it. Is it too similar to Rick and Morty? I was worried it would be the same as how American dad reminds me of family guy.

I haven't slept well recently. I've had a lot of stomach pains from stress and IBS. I have been drinking lots of water and I feel better today. Work has been better this week. I'm not doing that stressful project at the moment because I have a few other deadlines so I'm more relaxed now. I'm facing some big anxiety tonight and I think it's because I'm close to exhaustion due to no sleep. I also made another online dating account yesterday, but deleted it today. For some reason I grew very lonely and figured I'd try to at least flirt with some women, but then I remembered how much I hate reading their profile and seeing their pictures. So many generic, fake, and cliche components. I deleted the app right away and feel better. I just want some love and companionship is all. But this isn't a safe time to be dating I don't think. I just gotta be strong. I think the sleep is getting to me. I thought maybe I could find a nerdy woman similar to me, but I am not so certain a trendy dating app will provide me with her unless it's a more complex app that you are required to pay for to use. Today I'm grateful for water, my family, my friends, my job, myself for being brave and resilient, my TV show, and my candles.

Glad you found new shows. Some anime has lots of fan service so be careful watching. Tons of porn triggers. That's great you got ther coloring books. I might want to do that. I remember coloring dragonball z books with custom battle armor and loved it. I hope you enjoy meditation again.

Thank you. I'm doing better, but not sleeping well at all. I've been getting like 4 hours of sleep and not doing as well there. Don't be too quick with the relationship thoughts. I think you'll find friends soon. I believe in you and am happy for you. You're making big strides.

I do the same things sometimes. I think in my case I am lonely and have ideas of how I'd treat friends and prove my worth and not many others will give it back. The other thing is nobody understands what you've been through with an ex or me with bad friends. Imagine if you and I met at the gym and I just kept trying to have in depth conversations with you and you're just going to the gym and see me for only the second. It's uncomfortable, but also not real. In some ways the way you met your ex and how I met my bad friends was instant gratification and speed up. Other friendships just take longer through consistency and convenience. Not saying you do any of these. Just my thoughts.

I'm terrible at drawing and painting, but for some reason I can create things in 3d exactly as I want. Took over a year to find out the hobby so stay patient!

How long does your doctor think you need to wait before your body can get less sleep?

Lol blender 2.8. It's a free 3d and 2d modeling software that you can animate with. My cravings are more with porn than games, but thank you. It's tough being single and isolating alone during the quarantine sometimes.

Today was better. I worked and got some stuff done, ate my meals, took a nap, went to therapy, talked to my dad, read some articles and just relaxed. I am trying to be more relaxed and it's been very nice. I'm less stressed out. I played street hockey in my basement and listened to music. I took a picture of a bird in my yard as well. It was really cool. I am tired of making hobbies my whole life and just doing things for myself because I enjoy them at the moment. I'm dealing with cravings and staying calm. Today I'm grateful for my job, myself, my food, my house, my family, music, and my neighbors.

I think it's tough because we want to be very successful, well balanced, good at things, have energy, not be addicted to gaming, socialize, date, have a family, do sports, exercise, etc. etc. It takes so long to build this balance and I can't stress to you enough to be patient. It took me over a year to find 3d modeling as a hobby and I only like doing it 2-3 days per week. I can't do my exercises or sports like I used to so it's hard. It's just feeling comfortable and recognizing joy from other activities. You could tell your friend and brother that you don't want to game as much or you can tell them you're excited to try something new. This could lead you to finding a new activity with them. Be creative, be patient, and be yourself. Just don't beat yourself up. I did that too much and I've felt the repercussions of it big time the past month. Not worth it.

I didn't work today. I wasn't feeling well. I kind of just relaxed today. Spoke with my parents, friends, ate food, watched tv, practiced moderation. I didn't 3d model because I was doing it too much over the weekend. I needed a break. I'm sorry I haven't talked much on here recently. I'm just exhausted and kind of in the dumps a bit. Today I'm grateful for my friends, mints, myself, my family, and food.

Thanks, I won't. I'm just gonna keep it simple and finish this week.