BooksandTrees

Today's been so productive. My wife and I have been pretty burnt out so last night I had us do an arts and crafts night where we create a handmade card to each other and write something kind in it. We spent like 2 hours making the cards and gave them to each other. It really lifted our mood. Today started with a warmth and happiness that we needed. I think it was from those cards. We ate breakfast, watched a show, then did a ton of house projects that we'd been putting off for months. After that we ate lunch and played street hockey for an hour to get some exercise. I feel so much better overall. Refreshed. Funny thing is, after all that there's still 8 hours before bed lol. I think we're gonna order a fun dinner, watch the hockey game, and relax a bit.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I ended up getting a lot of support and I had a good virtual presentation. I feel very relieved. I think this also shows that even though I don't work at my old company that I still fear what my old boss would say or do. Just another example of how long abuse stays with someone, no matter how minor or major we think the abuse was.

I was supposed to drive to the city tomorrow and give a presentation. But I asked my boss if I could give it from home and remote in. I get severe anxiety and panic attacks going to the city. I used to work there for years and had a lot of bad things happen to me along with bad health issues from the 4 hours of commuting. My bosses were supportive and said I could work from home. I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I can't do the drives. It's just so stressful. I had several panic attacks this weekend and this morning over it. I had to sleep for hours since it was so exhausting. I'm better now but still feel like a loser. I'm trying to forgive myself and accept that nobody is upset with me.

I think it's what you mentioned in my diary. You're tired. This doesn't mean give up on willpower and start gaming. It just means you're allowed to write a small journal entry or none for a week. You're probably needing rest.

I think you need to make this a priority to fix. After reading your diary and seeing the format you use, you clearly crave a structured environment with fluid communication. So you're not overthinking it. I think if it doesn't get better, you should look for another job if that's possible.

I hear you. I think I drink 1 beer a month at this rate lol. I'm glad I don't have that issue on top of the gaming and porn and stuff.

I stopped eating food within 3 hours of bed recently. Maybe my stomach is mad and I'm picking up the anger in my dreams lol.

I've had violent dreams every night this week. It's very odd. I normally don't have those. I won't describe them since they bother me, but I'm just unsure where it's coming from since I don't feel upset during the day and my relationships with friends and family keep improving and improving.

It's really important. I was frustrated for not wanting to do anything but I think there's a reason for everything in life. If you don't want to do anything at all you could just be tired.

You might also be among people who can moderate gaming. Not many can do this, but you'll have to keep tabs on it because it still seems like this is your main coping mechanism for stress and loneliness.

Nice job at the tournament. Make any new friends there or know anyone?

I'm starting to recover mentally from all of the overtime I've been working. Last night I read for a while, played a boardgame, and drew some meaningless sketches. Tonight I left work early and get to relax. I'm gonna use the time to shop for food and do some meal planning. I'm excited for this. If anyone has hobbies but struggles to do them some nights, just remember that you might be tired and need to do something restorative. Be patient with yourself even if it's hard.

I had a triggering event for the first time in years. I got an email about my old runescape account getting banned and logged into the website to see what happened. Someone hacked my account, botted, and got my account banned. I haven't played it since 2018 but I still disputed the offense and the company who runs the game, jagex, said it was indisputable and my account is permanently banned. Although I haven't played in 5 years, it still represents a lot of time invested and the account was max level. I was triggered because it made me want to keep visiting the website to check the account and that brought back memories. I didn't relapse though. I realize I don't want to spend 5 years maximizing another account and I'm too busy to play now with my new life. Most importantly, who would make the decision to commit to a game where it's player safety and management are so uneducated and poor at communication. I'm sure they just gave me automated responses. I'm frustrated by their incompetence, but I'm not tempted to play games. I think it goes to show that it's more rewarding long term to put that effort into your own life and have real accomplishments. Not fake ones that can be lost due to people who don't care about you and never did.

Thanks! I'm gonna try to get chapter 11 done this week.

I agree with this. I find that I can hang out with quiet people and doing activities with them and I'm fine. If I hang out with someone new and it's just talking, I need a nap after it.

I did so much overtime the past few weeks. I'm so tired lol. I took today off and I'm going to rest on this long weekend. I'm enjoying the work at least so that's nice. I think I'm getting a promotion soon and I'm really proud of that. I'm hoping to eventually be a project manager in a few years. I got some cool things on Amazon prime day for relaxation and a couple new books. I've also lost 5 lbs. I'm pretty excited about that. I'm hoping to lose about 15 more in the next few months, but slowly is fine. I rushed it before and gained it back. Doing a healthier method now. Hockey season started so I'm watching a lot of hockey again and that's taking pressure off of feeling the need to be productive at night. I'm almost on chapter 11 of the book I'm writing.

There's always a place for you in this century. Sometimes it just takes patience and an evolving outlook. Plus, previous centuries didn't have bathrooms. I couldn't do it lol.

Yeah I'm gonna make it a fun journey where he builds as a person and understands how to be a friend and what love is. I enjoy those growth stories. Lol don't get abducted by aliens down there.

Definitely. I ended up writing 600 words for my book, drawing, and doing yoga after that. I felt better.

Lol she'll have that computer for 20 years. My book is about an engineer working on a space station. He doesn't like his job and has no friends in space. He plans to return to earth but has no friends there either. Through a crazy turn of events he gets abducted by aliens and becomes life long friends with them through a series of adventures. It's gonna be a bad book but I am enjoying writing at least lol.

It will pass. Prioritize your education. You got this. It's only temporary right now, but lasts forever after with your degree.

Welcome back. I hope you're doing well. I hear you with making friends. It's tough on this forum because people come and go and although we want to talk to others, it's super important to work on yourself too. I took a break from here for about a year or two and have been posting more. It happens. I saw @MuMuMeloncame back as well. People fluctuate. It happens. No right or wrong. I ended up getting rid of my gaming computer and accessories. I had saved it for my animation goals but now I just write my book on a tablet. It was taking up space and kept serving as a reminder of my past. I don't need that anymore.

It was @amchowwho built with brick link studios.

I just started doing this, 3 years later. Thank you very much. If you ever read this, thank you lol.

This week was exhausting. I had to work a ton and didn't have time for hobbies. I relaxed with my wife for a while today and then we did some errands and went out for dinner. I'm starting to feel refreshed. This leads to the issue of me wanting to catch up on lost hobby time, so the moment I feel better, I want to be productive and write or do something. But that's not realistic or fair to myself. I'm going to let myself know that I acknowledge the initiative and interest in being productive, but it's counterintuitive to do it right now. I'll just doodle on my note pad, read, and relax more tonight. I think I can write for 30 to 60 minutes tomorrow and move on. I also downloaded brick link studio to design lego sets. Someone on this forum used to do it a lot and I forget who it was.