Phoenixking

Reading this is really filling me with joy. I'm happy for you!

I've been watching your stuff for a while ^^ I don't always respond; sometimes I feel like I don't have anything to add. I'm happy to see my presence is helpful to you in some way 🙂 Also, that toe thing you mentioned? I had that a while back. It suddenly hurt like crazy and I couldn't put pressure on that toe. I had to get a pedicure to take a look at it and they pulled out a huge fragment of my toenail. I was so confused. Like, why didn't it start hurting sooner? It was half an inch in size! Now that same toe sometimes hurts and I have to dig in with some special tools I bought and some scissors or clippers. Maybe go see a pedicure or something? I'm a dude and I love mani-pedis. People look at me funny, but I'm in fucking heaven when I get my nails done. 10/10 would recommend. Also, it sucks that you have that kid fucking around with you. I hope you can get rid of him. You're clearly aware of where your lines in the sand lie, if he crosses those or you feel it's a negative thing, ditch it. Your mental health is more important than almost anything in life. Sure, you're supposed to be able to take a few punches here and there, you can even develop a chin for that. But there are limits. And from the sound of it, that kid is a real piece of work...

Day 59. "Cleanup." Spent the better part of the day in our cluttered room. I set up two closets. Closets whose parts were scattered across said cluttered room; a room that was kind of too cluttered to have enough space to build said closets... I struggled, but came out victorious in the end. I sat down for about an hour to eat tacos and watch a boxing match (Mayweather vs McGregor). I also discovered there's a thing called Chess Boxing. I would love to one day be able to pull off a win in that sport, it seems hilarious. Then I applied for an acting gig and now it's 11 pm and I still have D&D to prep. It was an extremely productive day, sadly not the type of productivity I aimed for. I was hoping to work a bit more on my business stuff. Oh well... Recent highlight: Feeling like a manly man, drinking a beer and building furniture. Budget status: Happy we saved up some money to take a trip. We'll be able to safely pay for a day or three of lovely activities! My one goal for the next 24h: Get up at 7 or 8 and go for my first run in a long time. What did I read today: Again, nothing. I'm lagging behind all of a sudden, goddammit... My chore of the day: Built closets and de-cluttered the room a bit. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Didn't really spend 2 hours properly. But I did edit an important scene from an award-winning short film I starred in, then I used that snippet to apply for an acting gig. What did I post on social media: Nothing. Anonymity editing of my diary: 2/31 Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Done. Some are coming back from the dead. Remarkable how resilient living things are... -Prep food - SO did it. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - n/a -Drink enough water - About halfway of what I was supposed to drink, but it's fine. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Didn't do the second brush last night, was too tired/lazy. Did just clean my teeth though. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing yesterday.

Day 58. "Dawn." Business is looking up, finances too. The D&D-project will officially start next weekend. In that same week I'll be able to post my behind-the-scenes-content on my socials. We'll even start the week with a brainstorm for the website. And I got a message confirming my new gig as a coach; I start next month. A steady flow of clients is a crazy luxury. I'm even thinking ahead a bit. Getting a degree in speaking and a second one in coaching seems doable. I'm excited for the future! I'm so happy I started my own business! I got boxing tonight. It'll be the last time I get winded, I hope. We're going through a heatwave, so I'll have to be patient, but I got permission from my physical therapist to work in my cardio. I only get to run in 5 or 10 minute increments. I have to be careful and mindful. My trainer wants me to run about 10 miles a week on average, to establish a basic fitness. I told him I want him to prep me for doing actual matches and that's what I'll have to do to meet the basic requirements. It's going to be tough, but I knew that. I can now hold my own a bit better at boxing, with a bit more cardio under my belt that would improve even more. I talked to my SO about my therapy session yesterday. I went there to go looking for ways to be less intense. Because we had a fight about how anal I was. After the session he showed me that I don't feel like I have any issues with how structured I like my p's and q's to be. Quite the opposite, it fuels me. The issues that bug me are conflicts and differences with my SO. She's chaotic. A lot. Her clothes and stuff are often all over the place and she's not prone to take initiative. Like she needs driving lessons and practice for her license, but I'm often the one to prompt her to pick some dates. I arrange all of the stuff for our finances, the car, insurances, ... I feel like I run this place and she gets to coast. And I feel like I have to do them, because she's procrastinate and get us both in trouble. There's trust issues. I don't trust her to pick up any slack. She says she's trying and will list off a few examples of her growth as a person, but I prefer deeds over words. It turned into a bit of a discussion/fight. There wasn't really any point or compromise we could have reached. Trust gets built up slowly. Recent highlight: Learning I'll have a steady flow of clients next month. Budget status: All systems nominal. My one goal for the next 24h: Get the font of my slogan selected. What did I read today: Nothing, sadly. The day lost a lot of momentum because of our attempts to book a holiday thing. My chore of the day: Try to clear out the shower drain How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: What did I post on social media: Nothing. Anonymity editing of my diary: 2/31 Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Damn. Should do it tomorrow... -Prep food - SO did it. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - n/a -Drink enough water - It's going well. I'm sure I'll drink way more during boxing practice and afterwards. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Forgot about it last night; -Less daydrinking at home alone - Didn't drink yesterday.

Wow. Talk about a mindfuck! I'm often so infuriated whenever I get an outbreak. I wage war on the lip-fuckers with anti-virals, disinfectant, ... I'd be such poetic irony if it'd save me one day from a bigger evil.

Day 57. "The calm after the storm." The shoot was a success. We were constantly ahead of schedule and so we filled up that time with extra shots, extra pictures... The videographer seemed to be on top of her game, looking for the right angles and shots and already seeming to edit stuff in her head. The photographer was constantly looking at original pics to take in certain rooms. They took command of the day. I was able to preview some of the shots and I'm extremely proud. A day well spent. The day after I did nothing. A rare day off. No cleaning, no phone, no diary, nada! I watched boxing, a cool war movie and some Westworld. I even spent some time in nature. I was fully and properly relaxed. I did make a list of the gajillion things I'd need to do in the next few days. That way my mind was at ease. I enjoyed it. I deserved a day truly off. Today I'm seeing my new therapist, in about an hour to be precise. I did just about everything I set out to do today, save for some cleaning and this diary entry. Business-wise, things are looking up. There's some exciting opportunities on the horizon. I also was able to pay off the first of my two debts. I am a happy man! Recent highlight: 2 highlights. Watching a taping of the Mayweather vs Pacquiao match. Holy shit did that Mayweather dodge! Such an inspiration! And watching Tom Hanks' "Greyhound". A masterpiece of suspense and tension. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. Wow. Budget status: Was able to pay off one of my 2 debts. Very happy about that. My one goal for the next 24h: Keep on doing productive shit! I'm nailing it! What did I read today: I probably won't read today, just before I go to sleep. My DND-book is nearing it's end. So exciting! I just ordered the next trilogy! There's like 40 books of them or something! My chore of the day: Cleaned up the place and did the laundry. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Emails securing my coaching gig come next month; a message or two about my D&D-project, which is coming together nicely, and some bills, paperwork and so on... What did I post on social media: Nothing. I wanted to put up some behind-the-scenes, but none of them were adequate in my eyes. Anonymity editing of my diary: 2/31 Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Done. -Prep food - Didn't really cook, will just have some fruit and greek yoghurt. Suits me fine. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - On it. -Drink enough water - No problems. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it last night; just about done with cleaning. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Yesterday was a day off so I don't really think it counts. Today was without issues though.

Holy shit, dude. I'm hoping she's one of those ones that recover quickly and get nothing scary like scar tissue in the lungs and all that. Did you see her recently? Ugh. I get those too. So fucking annoying... I don't allow anybody near me when I have one, I'm so afraid to afflict somebody with it or cause an outbreak if they already have it. You never lose the fucking virus for your whole life; it just stays dormant in your nerve clusters. How diabolical is that? I hope they find some miracle anti-viral someday to flush the fuckers out. Take care of yourself man. My cold sores pop up when I'm pushing myself too much, when I crossed my limits too hard or when my immunity has taken a beating. If you're like me and it's the latter, be careful in these times. Hope and your friend stay strong and positive 🙂 wishing you the best health!

Day 54. "The calm before the storm." It's so weird. Tomorrow is a huge day and I'm so chilled out. Normally I'd be nervous as fuck. I guess this is due to all of the prep-work we'd been doing and outsourcing a lot of the work to my freelancers. I'm really putting some money in this, making it all the more exciting and important. I'm happy to feel that my preparation and taking this seriously is paying off. Apart from gathering props and doing some light groceries shopping for the catering, almost everything's done at this point. I'm a bit scared to go shopping due to the virus, though. All around me cases are on the rise and more often than not, people just don't take it seriously. We're in the middle of a second wave that's big enough to force a curfew, police checking if people are self-isolating, some crazy shit. And still people think it's not that bad? Really? Do you live under a rock? I know people who lost their grandparents to this and were not allowed to be at the funeral. It's mayhem... But to be fair, if that's something I'm more worried about than the results of tomorrow, then we'll probably be fine at the shoot. I should maybe prep my lines a bit too, though. I can ad-lib a lot since I wrote it myself and it's all rather short and split in separate shots. But I'd still like to appear as professional as possible on my own set, hahaha. Recent highlight: Not done. Budget status: Not done. My one goal for the next 24h: Prep for tomorrow. What did I read today: Not done. My chore of the day: Not done. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Prepping for tomorrow, mainly. What did I post on social media: A pic of me and my SO Anonymity editing of my diary: 1/31 Maintained habits: -Water the plants - It rained so we're good. -Prep food - Finished the home-made pizzas my SO started on. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - N/A. -Drink enough water - Done. All of it. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it last night; About to go do it. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing yesterday, went out for dinner but had mocktails.

Day 53. "...tomorrow." Today we're revamping our one messy room. It's filled almost to the brim with boxes and random stuff. I cleared it out a bit so we can use it as a laundry room. But now my SO has gone and gotten a huge closet set from her parents. So a big part of today's workout will be building the closet and filling it with the junk we've now stored in boxes. After that, we're going out for dinner. We had a huge talk about how she feels. Turns out she's convinced she's got some sort of Netflix-addiction. The thought of quitting her account made her cringe and panic. Her therapist is also an addiction counselor so she lucked out. I think that realization was a big breakthrough. She's tired of lying around 5+ hours a day binging series like a compulsion. A lot of what she summed up reminded me of this forum. I advised she read the book. I'm prepping for the shoot and holy fuck and I pumped. I'm really putting my best foot forward. I've acquired some great freelancers, my suit feels amazing because thanks to the boxing, it still fits perfectly. After learning more about fashion, I've learned what kind of shirt and tie and knot to use with the suit, and so on... It's like Tuesday will be a culmination of what I've been working for so long. I'm not scared or nervous. I'm excited and happy. Also edited page 1/31 from my diary to amp up the anonymity. Damn. I've come a long way since then. Recent highlight: Talking to my SO about her possible Netflix-addiction. Budget status: Nothing to report. My one goal for the next 24h: Get the closet-project up and running What did I read today: Another bit about suits from 'Gentleman'. My chore of the day: I think the closet stuff counts, right? How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: An audio test with my new gear; prep Tuesday by getting my stuff together, clothes, accessories, ... What did I post on social media: Nothing. Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Done. -Prep food - Going out for dinner tonight. SO's treat. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done! -Make the bed - N/A. -Drink enough water - Filled up my bottle but haven't had anything just yet. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it last night; Did the first part today. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Had nothing yesterday.

Haggis sounds cool. How do you play it. Do you feel like things are improving with your wife?

I've talked to her again and we agreed to keep things online as is. I was planning on re-reading my entire journey, to gain some perspective and to see where I crawled my way up from. It'd be a perfect opportunity to adjust some thing. Remove almost anything that might hint at my true identity and such. The odds are near 0 that this might leak. But we'd both feel better with me putting in some effort to doubly make sure it's perfectly anonymous.

I've always had a lot of respect for therapist and other types of professions who help other that have been through the mill themselves. There's no substitute for trying to understanding an addict like having been an addict yourself. My addiction counselor was able to perfectly empathize with my cravings. It really struck a chord knowing that he'd gone through mayhem too but was living proof you can both overcome that and then learn how to thrive and be a positive change in the world yourself. Keep it up, man! It's hard. And everything that's worth something is hard. It's supposed to be. Because for those willing to fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know.

Day 52. "On the edge of..." I'm so down and beat. The world is shitty. Global leaders, aristocrats and rich industrials use their power to do whatever they want and they just pay or wave their big power-stick to get away with it. Disease is surging and too many people are too stupid to take it seriously. I'm losing faith in humanity, in the future, in the world... A small part of me just wishes we'd get 2020 over with and just massively commit suicide. It'd be a quicker, cleaner death with a bit of dignity; instead of this slow, messy burn. My SO and I had some words this morning; about the household and such. But I'm a bit too hollowed out now to really get into it. I feel like I've been beaten numb a bit. Like there's too much shit going on to take into account so I just have to block out some stuff to just function. We were talking about nagging and household stuff and how intense I am. How I always use 1000 words where 100 would be enough. Then she wanted to talk about taking a trip. I hadn't had breakfast and it turned into a search of an hour, but afterwards, nothing concrete came of it. I could predict that. She wants to talk about doing stuff, not actually doing stuff. It's tiring sometimes. I asked a friend of mine to help me take care of my website. He'd do it for free, which is insane. But he didn't want money in return, but a favor. He wants to be allowed to be an active part of my company. Back office, website, all of the stuff I'm not good at. Sounds too good to be true... But he's a stand up dude. A bit gullible or too kind for his own good even. Not the conniving type. I told him I'd need to think about it. We're scheduling a meeting soon. I guess this is just one of those days where you feel like you're losing your mind. I'm trying to not think about all of the messy stuff above and just try to get on with my day and make the most of a crappy mood. Recent highlight: Hearing my boxing trainer tell me I'd be okay to start training for competitions. The head trainer would need to approve, but if he does, they'll focus a bit more on me, on making sure I don't fuck up my learning of the techniques and they'll push me a bit harder. I felt like my hard work was appreciated. Budget status: Household budget was break even, so that's good. And though there's some stuff looming over my head right now, I survived the month. My one goal for the next 24h: Try to stave off the emotional jazz for now and get as much shit as possible done. What did I read today: 'Gentleman': The second half of the chapter on neckties. And started on the huge chapter on suits. Applicable, since I'll be testing some of the outfits today for the shoot on Tuesday. Armed with knowledge! My chore of the day: Did a bit of ironing. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Ironing my clothes, testing my outfit and some more writing, collecting all the knowledge I can muster to base my coaching, exercises and workshops on. I gotta start somewhere, right? What did I post on social media: A pic of me a year ago. With a man bun. Ha. Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Done. I wonder if we could save some of them of if they're long gone by now... -Prep food - Still got some of yesterday's pasta. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done! -Make the bed - N/A. -Drink enough water - First bottle filled up. It's fucking hot out. I made my goal yesterday, sure I'll make it again today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Forgot about the latter part last night; First part done today. Hope I don't forget the second part today again. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Had nothing; too hot again.

Day 51. "Heat." Holy calamafuck is it warm today. About 34 Celsius. WTF? I'm not mentally all there. I don't function very well in a hot environment. My SO read my journal a while back. Major breach of trust. We had a long talk about it and even still it lingered over the next few days. It was less about not trusting me and more about being so insecure about herself that she needed to know what I was writing about her online. After the talk, she agreed to start seeing a therapist again. So now we'll both be in therapy (I'm starting somewhere next week, after the big photoshoot). Afterwards, she kept pressing on how dangerous this diary is. It took some days for it to dawn on me, but she's right. This is a public thing. I keep my name and such anonymous. But there's so much super personal info on here. Really life-devastating stuff at some points. Anonymous or not, read my journal in detail and you could figure out who I am. A clever person wouldn't need much... So I've been contemplating copying it somewhere safe, on a hard disk or something, and deleting the lot. And then I'll start anew and all that jazz. But with a more keen eye on privacy and personal details. Recent highlight: Finishing the video list for the shoot Tuesday. And seeing my account full of money again. THANK FUCK. Budget status: Finally got some money in the bank again. Thank fuck. Was touch and go there for a while. I think I'll be out of the woods in a few months. Hopefully the business takes off and that'll be that... My one goal for the next 24h: Survive boxing practice. And not push myself too hard while we're at it. It's so hot out... What did I read today: Can't really seem to focus much today, probably because of the heat. I read the first half of the chapter on neckties. My chore of the day: Was hoping to do the dishes when the machine's done. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Finished some mails to my freelancers, finished a more concrete list of the videos I want from my videographer, contacted the website designer about what I'm thinking of and invited him to a brainstorm about the website. Spent the remainder of the time writing on public speaking. I'm bundling every single thing I know to try and use that base to create workshops, lectures, seminars and coaching exercises. What did I post on social media: A shout out to some colleagues. Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Done. -Prep food - We're ordering out. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Not necessary. -Drink enough water - Almost there, and that's without going to praccy. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Succes yesterday. Woke up with a fresher mouthfeel. Flossed today already too. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing today, I'm not an animal. It's too hot out!

Yeah. It's insane. I've been telling her that her bosses, the whole company is whack as fuck and that she should gtfo as soon as she can. The whole thing reeks of incompetence and corruption. It speaks volumes that she expressly forbid me to talk to the press. It means she knows it's wrong, but hasn't mustered the courage to do something about it. I'd been playing with the idea of leaking some info to bring the fuckers down. Not that it might do anything, I just feel like I need to do something to exact justice. Yeah, it totally sucked. But it's the government. They need to maintain the tram rails, obviously, and it'd be a bigger hassle for the city to not use those lines for a few days than it is to keep us awake all night. We got a letter last month notifying us, but it still sucks ass. It's sweet of you to express your kindness. But we're kind of doing okay. Not great. But not terrible either.

Day 50. "Security." My SO's bosses are fucking around with her again. They're making all of these corporate changes and the entire new structure should be a budget-neutral operation. It has a side-effect that lots of people get re-arranged or have to, at worst, get competition for a job they've been doing for ages and thus might lose it to somebody else who's either cheaper, younger or better equipped. And in the meanwhile management keeps eating lobster bisque in their separate company restaurant. Typical old while men in power. Disgusting. They've been mistreating her from the get go. She got 2 temp contracts and after that they're legally obliged to give her a permanent one. This last temp one ends in December. It wasn't sure what would happen to her for a while but now it seems she'd be keeping the job she has. Only, the contracts thing is an issue. Technically they've got no budget to add 1 person with a permanent contract. But technically, she's already been assigned her current job in the new structure. So they'd just make an exception, right? Well... I told her not to underestimate their incompetence. She's been asking superiors of several lower and higher levels for answer and everybody just talks around it or defers to the next manager. It's sending a bad vibe. I told her to go see her union rep, but they seem equally incompetent... *sigh* It's times like these I'm overjoyed I took the leap to start my own business. Last night they were working on the tram rails across the street. 11pm to 5 am. Huge angle grinders, big trucks... I stayed up as long as I could, thinking I'd sleep in. But I couldn't get to sleep and if I did, I woke up because of how hot I was. We'd closed to windows because of the noise. Purgatory... Hoping I'd catch up on some work today, I forgot about my SO's parents coming over. That's nice and all, but I need to prep for my photo shoot... I now have 4 freelancers on my payroll for that day and I'm eager to do things different. I was often sent briefings and updates and whatnot last minute as an actor and speaker. I'll not do that shit. I work cleanly and clearly and all prep will be done well in advance. µ Be the difference in the world you wish to see! Recent highlight: Rediscovering my love for Westworld. Discovering newfound love for fresh fruit with greek yoghurt. Great breakfast, lots of protein. Budget status: Got my first money from my business!! 77 bucks! I mean, it's expenses I paid for myself and am now getting back from Starterslab. But still cool! My one goal for the next 24h: Prep the videos I'd like to shoot come Tuesday. What did I read today: Not done. My chore of the day: Nothing much. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Emails, contract issues and HR paperwork for hiring my freelancers, getting my D&D project off the ground (FINALLY!), and checking out my concrete plans for content and a shotlist for the shoot on Tuesday. Busy fucking day. But my SO's parents are here. So I'm doing the minimal stuff I could right now and I'll work late. Last night I couldn't sleep anyways, might as well tire myself our properly in case there are roadworks again... What did I post on social media: A shoutout to the bunny daycare. Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Not done. -Prep food - Going out for dinner with SO's parents. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done and had a wiiiild chess game. -Make the bed - Not applicable. -Drink enough water - Almost had all I needed today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done. I forgot the latter part last night though. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Went drinking. But in company.

Yeah, efficient is the right word. A friend of mine joked that it was a lot of screaming and kicking people in the balls. He wasn't far from the truth. Though comical, it's amazing how quickly you can hit somebody where it hurts and run off and 'win' the encounter with not a scratch on you. Maybe try not to focus on you the quitting. You were struggling with waaaay bigger things at the time than trying to attend a gym. You were wrestling the monkey on your back and at that point in time, the monkey was winning. There's no shame in that because we all have our demons. I guarantee you that the person who did the paperwork for your signing up, the trainer who maybe saw you walking in that one day and that giant buff dude who's there pumping iron 5 hours a day all have their own major demons. The paperwork lady might have an eating disorder because one of her first boyfriends emotionally abused her, the trainer once got mugged at gunpoint and became obsessed with become strong and big but still feels scared in the dark and the pumping iron dude might be a virgin because he lacks social skills but due to his body and age he feels obligated to lie about that. We all have demons. Even if you've defeated the one that was weighing you down at that point in time, they still win if you allow them to plant seeds of despair after their demise. Oh cool! That sounds fascinating! I once read that etiquette became so complicated because the aristocracy felt the rich farmers and merchants creeping closer to them. Their blue blood gave them status, but there's no stopping people with money. So when the money people tried to climb up more and become aristocracy, the fancypants people at the time tried to make it more complicated for them to keep up. The old guard therefor concocted crazy eating, speaking and dressing habits (some are absolutely preposterous) to make sure that their social circles would get harder and harder to mosey yourself into. What a bunch of assholes.

Day 49. "I AM BUTTMAN." A productive day today and I had physical therapy. I kicked ass. It seems like boxing is such a high level thing for my cardio, like the trainers are really pushing me to the brim each time, that suddenly everything else seems trivial. I voluntarily picked up some weights to hold onto for a full hour while I did my exercises. The physical therapist is enthused about my boxing and gave me extra exercises that allowed me to train my new techniques and work my cardio while she checks if I'm moving right or now. I had some pain last week after a practice and I mentioned it might be because I'm not using my legs the right way when I'm training. My brain can't keep up with both learning new stuff at practice and also consciously moving my legs in the correct way. After today, I swore I'd become BUTTMAN. Basically I learned how to use the muscles in my upper legs and butt more to level out the body weight and pressure I put on my knees when I use my legs the wrong way. As long as I focus on being BUTTMAN while doing training, I should be okay I think. I also secretly think it's hilarious. Recent highlight: At physical therapy there was a dude who refused to wear a mask. I don't like it either, especially while sportsing around, but it's mandatory. I asked him to wear a mask, he didn't want to and I decided I wouldn't take that shit. I have a photo shoot next week that is super important and the photographer can't be replaced. And she's immuno-compromised. So I can't work out next to a buffoon-like boomer if he's not wearing a mask. I went to ask my therapist in the adjacent room about a replacement exercise and explained why. She kindly explained the dude that the rules are the rules (seriously, what self-respecting adult has to act like that?) and he just huffed and puffed and mentioned 'he's quitting physical therapy'. I thought it was hilarious but also really sad... It's people like that that are causing the second wave to hit us right now. Honestly, who are these people?! Budget status: I cut all non-essential spending. We were going to go on holiday too, but I might postpone. We have a separate savings account, but it doesn't feel right... My one goal for the next 24h: Keep going as I'm going. Finishing my daily goals, keeping up the grind and enjoying all of my newfound love for sportsing. What did I read today: I started the day pretty late so I didn't read today, sadly. My chore of the day: Took the trash out. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: What did I post on social media: A pic of some strawberries I picked up on the way back home from physical therapy. A treat for my SO Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Not done. -Prep food - Sliced and diced the zucchinis and made pasta. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Still not applicable -Drink enough water - Nailed it. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - First one done, second time will be when I go to bed. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing yesterday or today.

Hey man! Yeah, I'm really starting to notice the (not just gaps but actual) chasms between sports like some martial arts and a real fight. Krav Maga is way better in that respect. That'll teach you what you need to know to actually fight and save your ass. I was trained to get out of knife fights, gunpoint threats, bar brawls, ... They even taught me how to escape a choke hold from somebody like an angry black belt dude. They did not fuck around. It's a scary thing to learn. How to gauge eyes, hit people in the balls or other weak spots, how to scream, attract attention to yourself and state that people need to stay away from you. It's a very defensive martial art, but it's super goddamn effective. Now that I'm boxing, it's crystal clear they're training you for a sport and not a fight. Sure, you'll equip you with a fighting attitude, great cardio, and so on... Stuff that might come in handy in a real fight. But it's not the same. No mugger is going to care about your uppercut technique. It's all about if you are wise enough to hand over the 50 bucks in your wallet (or just simply run, they can't stab or mug you if you're 100 feet away from them, that's a great way to win a confrontation like that) to avoid having to put your life on the line for that low amount. Oh yeah, the book is great fun. It's very much all about ye olde English gentlemen. They even have entries on what to wear when hunting geese, riding horses or what robes to wear for your at home leisure. But they stuff they teach about fabrics, patterns, colors, how to tie ties, how to match them with shirts, and so on... It's truly a treasure trove or knowledge.

Yessssss!!!!! Congrats!!!

Day 48. "Legwork." Boxing was fun yesterday. When I stick to my own pace, I can now do about 75% of the reps they ask of you. Last week I only made it to half. At this rate I'll be up to par by the end of the month by going my own pace. From there on out it's all about matching the pace the trainers set. I've been working on my technique a lot. Yesterday was about dodging, pivoting and dancing. Boxing is a lot like dancing. You flutter around a lot, mind your opponent, dodge, bob and weave and strike when you see opportunities. I truly look forward to being able to one day spar with somebody. I can't wait to feel the results of months and months of training. I did hurt my leg though. It's hard to apply the focus I bring to physical therapy to my boxing. I'm supposed to use my legs in certain ways to not fuck up my knees. And that requires re-learning how to walk and move. I'm like a young fowl sometimes. To focus on that and at the same time my techniques, my opponent, ... It's a lot on a human brain. I can only do so much. I think that's why my leg hurts. Normally I'd hurt because I trained, but this time it feels like it hurts because I made mistakes. Luckily, there's physical therapy tomorrow to re-align some things. Recent highlight: Learning new boxing techniques. Budget status: I feel like I'm circling the drain. I've cut off any non-essential spending. No going out, ordering food, nada. Only purely crucial stuff will I spend money on. My one goal for the next 24h: Focus up a bit and have a productive 24h. There's writing to be done, prepping my fotoshoot next week, and the (possibly to be cancelled) wedding gig this weekend. What did I read today: A big chapter on shirts out of 'Gentleman'. I learned I've been ironing my fancy shirts the wrong way. My chore of the day: Took care of the black mold. It annoyed my mouth and lungs and nose a bit. Tough stuff, that fungal cleaner. Toxic. Thank god I got gloves and a mask... How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: What did I post on social media: Bunny pics. Maintained habits: -Water the plants - Some thrive, some die it seems... I bought a few to keep the bugs away; but with a bunny nearby, they've become a liability. This is slowly fading into the background. -Prep food - Nothing special to report. Had leftovers yesterday. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done! -Make the bed - Not really applicable with the current situation. -Drink enough water - First bottle down and slowly building up. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do it. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Had a beer last night while watching UFC.

You ever see the first of the new Spiderman movies? There's this cool techno suit he gets with tonnes of upgrades. But it gets taken away from hit at some point and told: "If you're nothing without the suit, you shouldn't have it." Maybe you sometimes put having a girlfriend too high on a pedestal. I understand you look forward to having such a connection and a person to pour your love and time into and experience reciprocity. But sometimes I feel like you put so much weight on trying to 'achieve that goal' that you become blind to what such a deep connection truly means. You're still facing a number of personal demons. Maybe try to let go of the relationship stuff a bit, or at least put less pressure on yourself. I feel like you look at getting a girlfriend as some sort of a solution to a problem, rather than a person's life running parallel with yours. Having a great SO should be an extra, some great gravy on the side. In first place, you should always put yourself, your self-care, your mental and physical health and figuring your shit out. The SO will come, in due time. Just take your foot off the gas a bit from time to time.

Day 47. "Dad." My grandpa celebrated his 91st birthday this weekend so we went out to dinner with him to his favorite eel restaurant (don't ask). We'd encountered our dad months before this and had agreed to see him again sometime. My sister really wanted to get herself a bit better by getting to know him some more. I had had way more contact with him and his new family years ago, but learned that they're pretty dysfunctional and toxic so I went no-contact. So my sis is more curious about him, whereas I strongly feel he's a burning train wreck of a man, infecting everything he touches with his glib false promises. Initially it seemed as if grandpa invited him without asking us, a fact that angered me greatly since he, even despite his old age making him a bit less lucid, knows that there's been terrible infighting. After the dinner my sister admitted to having asked grandpa to invite him. I guess her daughterly feelings got the best of her. I kept mentioning throughout the days before the dinner that it's a bad idea, will invite trouble and pain and is not worth the potential dismay or disillusionment. Little did I know I'd be disappointed in her afterwards instead of him. I felt like I should just not do it. I felt like my grandfather had no right of springing him up on us like that. A public restaurant and an occasion where we celebrate his 91st is not exactly the appropriate setting to converse with our long lost dad. He abandoned us, started a new family we're not allowed to be a part of, he doesn't seek us out or even during a 2-3 hour conversation ask us what we do, who we've become or what we like. He stole the life savings our family members pooled for us over the course of our childhood and teenage years, he neglected to pay alimony to my mom when she was a single mother trying to raise the two spawns from hell we'd become and had the audacity to only allow 1 child at a time in his new home and the moment we slighted somebody at the least were kicked out to allow the other in. Stuff like that fucks you up. It ingrains the idea that you're not a good person, not good enough of a son or daughter and subtly manipulated fierce emotional competition between her and me. To this day we're still trying to repair that. How dare he show up like that. It felt like he was being allowed to reap the benefits of getting to know us now that the troublesome parts of having to raise us to adults are behind us, without having to have had dealt with all of our teenage angst, trauma, depressions, addictions, therapy sessions, money issues, suicide attempts, eating disorders, sleeping disorders and auto-mutilation sessions. We've grown up and conquered crazy difficult and complex emotions. We've built lasting and warm relationships and built ourselves a little castle filled with lights and lovely people. How dare he expect he'd get to knock on the castle doors and be let in like that before spending time wading through the thick moat? My sister claimed she 'needed this'. She needed to find some peace and wanted to ask him about his childhood, his current relationship and his new daughter, the now 15-year old half-sister we never truly got to connect with. I ended up telling her I'd prefer to let my love for her take the reigns rather than my hatred for him. I agreed to meet. I was eager to cancel though. But a promise is a promise. I gritted my teeth and bared through the bullshit. I didn't share anything about my life, I didn't want to give him any ammunition. He doesn't deserve to know what an amazing person I've become. I'd like to think my sister got out of it what she wanted. But I'm afraid this is going to hurt her in the long run. If it's a mistake, I should let her make it and learn from it.Two sad things came out of it all. I feel a bit betrayed by her. We'd agreed to always stand firm together against him. But the entire thing started with her lying to me about asking grandpa to invite him. And the second this is that we've always wondered about our long lost half-sister. I was in her life for about a year. I took her to ballet practice, picked her up from school. I miss her and feel guilty for having to leave her behind with world's most toxic Statler and Waldorf. My sister and I'd always hoped that she'd escape their crazy claws one day when her teenage hormones would lead her to rebel against her parents. But after my Sis asked about her, I kind of lost that naivete. She's grown up to be a loner. She does ballet, knows piano and fences. She plays a lot of video games, doesn't like company and will just not talk for hours. She like going to school but not socializing because she feels like everybody else is dumber than she is and she doesn't like dealing with them. She seems to grow up in a household where merit, skill and results are more important that values, identity and emotional growth. My dad's relationship is more like a social contract. His SO is a nurse and works nights, whereas he wakes up at 3 am to start working and will be home around noon. So whenever 1 is awake, the other is always sleeping. He mentioned that sometimes can weeks go by before they run into each other. It doesn't like she's getting to grow up to be a mentally healthy, happy person. I know it's not my responsibility, I'm not her guardian or her dad. But I can't help but feel bad for her. I just wish I could someday be someone positive to her. I sent a long text message to my sister about how I understand why she did what she did, but it still feels like betrayal. I hope we'll call and talk tonight or tomorrow. Recent highlight: My SO being a rock. My family loves her, my mom texted her in private what a great influence she is on me and how she loves her as a part of the family. Budget status: Not looking good... I'm headed towards major issues if my photo shoot doesn't pan out. My one goal for the next 24h: Clobber the bag at boxing practice in a few hours. The encounter with my dad and my sister's lie, combined with more dire corona-measure have got me down in the dumps. But I'll feel better after boxing, I'm sure. What did I read today: A chapter on underwear from 'Gentleman'. The next one is a huge chapter on shirts, collar types and how to maintain and take care of them. I oddly look forward to it. The more I learn about clothes and couture, the more I'm into it. Same goes for boxing too. I like exploring new avenues of stuff I turn out to really enjoy! My chore of the day: Did the dishes. How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Got my full crew for my photo shoot and started negotiating prices, checked if the wedding event is still on, nothing further atm. I didn't want to start prepping in case the effort would be lost due to the possibility of a cancellation. What did I post on social media: Nothing really. Maintained habits: -Water the plants - SO did it. -Prep food - Cleaned the veggies and started cooking, SO finished it. -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Not done. Since our foster-bunny peed on the comforter, we've been using only covers. Each of us has their own set. It's too hot for a comforter anyways. So often, we leave them in the bed. It's impossible to make the bed with 2 loose comforter covers. -Drink enough water - Down a bottle or two already, but I have boxing in a few hours so I'm sure I'll make it anyways. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Once done, I'll brush the second time before I go to bed. -Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing for two days. I'm majorly toning down my alcohol use

I recently heard a great quote from Tom Hanks in an interview where he was asked to impart some wisdom on his younger self. He said 'This too shall pass.' If you have a shitty day, week or month; made a big mistake and are paying for it dearly; or if you're down in the dumps and don't see a way out: this too shall pass. But if you're doing great, everything is going your way and you feel on top of it all; beware: this too shall pass. I love seeing how you're ahead of your school stuff and are doing well and appreciating your growth. Enjoy the truck man, it sounds really fun to drive!

More people should realize and do this. It's like if you're working out. You need to do 100 reps of something. You can try to burst through and do them all in 1 super fast go. But odds are you'll get winded, hurt yourself or exceed your limits. It's important to notice while you're doing something how much you can take. You get get to 100 reps safely and healthily, but only if you do it on your own pace.